Another Bipolar Mother

The hits here have spiked recently, coinciding with the news that Newt Gingrich’s mother has bipolar. For anyone looking for that story, it appeared in ‘The Daily Beast’ at http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2011/12/22/newt-gingrich-s-bipolar-mother-kit-gingrich-and-his-difficult-childhood.html.

According to the article, not only was his mother bipolar, but his mother divorced his father when he was less than a year old.  He found out about his natural father when he was 15, and confronted him in a traumatic fashion.  His adopted father was tyrannical, distant, and cold.

There are questions about whether Newt Gingrich inherited bipolar from his mother.  He certainly seems to have some signs that might point in that direction – affairs (plural), excessive energy & motivation, grandiose thoughts, risk taking.  But those could also be the result of the environment he was brought up in.

Mail Call

I got a letter from Dad in last week’s post.  It read;

<Me>,

I will be brief & to the point!  I am appalled that so much time has gone by and you have refused to seek out Mom to reconcile!  In fact, Mom has tried & was rebuffed (<wife> slammed the door in her face & you rushed out and ordered her off your property)

The referenced incident occurred THREE AND A HALF YEARS AGO.

I have come by (after calling you) to see the children on several occasions in the past, only to be met outside & never asked in your home!  I am insulted!

Dad’s last visits were in February of this year (2011), and November 2009.

We have always tried to help you in the past – you asked for the loan to get you into your new home – we gave (loaned) you the money – your Buick blew an engine – we gave you <list of other stuff>!

I mention the above as it seems the more help we gave the more it was resented!

Well, the helping hands have now been withdrawn for everything & forever!

Mom’s cell phone # is <cell> if you care to call & attempt to reconcile, if not there will be no more contact between us.

Dad

I will expect the money by 1 Sept 11 or $200 a month  starting 1 Sep 11. Mail it to <street>

Well, it *looks* like Dad’s handwriting, but it is sometimes hard to tell the difference.  Some of the phrasing is definitely Mom, and some of it is definitely Dad.  Mom has always used guilt to try to get her way, and I see some of that here.  But it’s not done with Mom’s ‘flair’, so I assume it’s Dad.

My first reaction to the ‘call & attempt to reconcile or there will be no more contact’ was that the terms were acceptable. This makes more sense if you picture the alien from ‘Men in Black’ saying it when he takes the shotgun from the farmer’s ‘cold dead hands’.

As is usual for me, I procrastinated for a while, trying to decide if and how to respond.  The process has led me to an uncomfortable realization.  My desire is no longer for Mom to get treatment and restore some kind of relationship, but just for them both to go away and stay away.  I wouldn’t mind Dad, and the kids would get a lot out of him, but since they come as a group package, the cost is just too high.

I can no longer claim the moral high ground of ‘just wanting Mom to get help’.  I no longer care – as long as the people she drags into her spiral of insanity don’t include my family or I.

I Already Have A Bipolar Mother

There are very few instances where I’ve denied or deleted comments.  Normally I just let them through without question, or occasional edits for profanity.  But this was directed at me and struck a nerve.  I’ve had this comment sitting in the moderation que for a week now, and it bugs me. I might be overly sensitive or conditioned to this kind of thing, but it bugs me none the less.

Some background from other comments she’s left:

• It appears that this woman has bipolar, but *may* be getting treatment.
• Two of her three children have cut off contact with her.
• She recognized that her behavior has hurt her children.
• She claims not to like the conflict caused between her and her daughters, and wishes to have their relationship restored.

Here’s the comment that I found troubling:

I was wondering if you would be willing to help me and in the process maybe I can help you in return? I love my children and ache when I read your blog. I would like to offer you a “mom” you can tell your feeligs to and have them validated and I would love a child I can share my empathy, love and compssion with. Maybe if we can make it work there is hope. Two out of my three children are not in communication with me at this time. I am hoping we can help each other understand the sane and the insane you began your blog with. My email is: <redacted>
May you find peace in your life.

Notice that there is no hope without my successful participation, and that I need her help (after I’ve helped her).  I’ve seen this kind of burden before.  It’s a guilt trip, and it’s toxic.

So, this woman who has chased off two of her own kids offers to make me an honorary ‘child’ she can share her ‘empathy, love and compassion’ with.  Who wouldn’t find that appealing?

I think I’ve made it quite clear that I don’t need my feelings validated by anyone.  I understand well enough the ‘sane and insane’, and have no desire to get sucked into an emotional vortex with someone on the internet.

I already have a bipolar mother, I really don’t think I need another one.

Am I being harsh?

p.s. If this is you, and you wish to remain anonymous, don’t post in this thread.

Reminder From Mom & Report From Neighbors

I got a call at work Friday morning from Mom.  She called to remind me that Dad’s birthday was this weekend, and he was home, while she was at the beach.  She said that since she wouldn’t be there, I should take the kids over and at least tell him happy birthday.  She also said something like ‘didn’t you have a birthday  a while ago’.  Yes, I did – last summer.

She also had burned her hand on the stove, and it was bandaged in the ER, but it still hurt.  She has an appointment for dental surgery some time in the next week or so.  Just so that I know.

And that was it.  Total conversation time under three minutes.

First, her mood.  She was sarcastic, and probably in a tightly controlled hypomanic state, judging by the speed and tone of her speech.

My first (guilt induced) thought was, maybe it would be a good idea to take the kids over to see Dad.  We’ve got a present that we found a while ago that he would really like.  Then a few minutes later it struck me that I was being manipulated.  I know that I should have known it from the minute she called, but the guilt conditioning runs deep.  Then I thought that Mom must have incredible intestinal fortitude to call and ask that I remember Dad’s birthday, when the only birthday they remember is my Daughter’s.  And both my Sons’ birthday were completely ignored by them this year.

So, I told my Wife about it when I got home, and she thought it was funny because ‘guess who she ran into at the store today’.  Dad’s neighbor & his formerly estranged wife – apparently they are now back together.  According to them, Mom is doing really well, normal even.  Dad on the other hand, has health problems, has been getting very forgetful, and was ‘lying in the ditch’.  The ditch thing seems to be a recurring theme for him – probably because his driveway is a little different than Dad’s.  Dad’s driveway has a concrete pipe under it that lets water get through.  Unfortunately it frequently clogs up with twigs and leaves, causing water to run around and undercut the mailbox.  About twice a year, it needs to be cleaned out to keep it from happening.  Usually, this means lying down in the ditch, using a shovel to remove the debris.  Because of the width of the driveway, you have to do it from both sides, and there is still an area in the middle you can’t reach.

My Wife asked me if I was considering seeing Dad, and I told her no.  Dad has told me every time I see him, that he will call or stop by ‘the next time he’s in town’, but he doesn’t.  I answer when he calls, and fit whatever he asks into the schedule.  If he doesn’t want to see us, I’m not going to force it.  His choice, and his loss.

*UPDATE*

I missed two calls from Mom’s cell on Saturday.  I was changing the window motor in my truck, and didn’t have the cell around – not that I probably would have answered anyway.   I finally got around to listening to them this morning.  Mom was calling just letting me know that Dad was home and eating lunch, so now would be a good time to go over, if I wanted to go over, which I probably didn’t, or my Wife wouldn’t let me.  And it was such a shame that I was depriving her grandchildren of benefiting from a relationship with my father, and I would really be sorry since he is getting old and won’t be around much longer.  And my kids would probably blame me for that, and treat me exactly the same way.’

Nothing new, and as usual Mom left all the contact numbers again, as if the reason I don’t call is that I don’t have the number or something.  And it’s funny, because this is the first time I’ve noticed, but Mom leaving those numbers sounds a lot like the computer generated voice that reads off numbers on some voicemail systems.

Done with that for a while, probably.  The next event where I *might* hear from Mom would be in early July.  That’s her birthday, but it is close to our wedding anniversary as well.  She hasn’t ‘reminded’ me of either in a year or so.

The Yearly Visit?

My phone wasn’t charged, so I missed a call on Saturday from Dad’s cell.  After I charged it I was surprised to find that the message was actually from Dad.  He & Mom are in the area, and he would like to stop by and see the kids.

I called him back – about an hour after he left the message, and found out that Mom was at the hairdresser and he only had a little over an hour before they had to leave for a function.

He came over and He and the kids and I talked in the front yard for the entire hour.  Not about anything major, just normal stuff.

He wasn’t surprised that the kids had grown, but it had been over a year since he saw them last.  He also hadn’t seen either of our puppies, the 18 month old male that we got last January, or the 5 month old female we got last month.  They’re the same breed that I had when I was little, and he got to tell some of the stories about them.

A pleasant hour later, he had to go.  He mentioned that they would probably be in the area more often, at least until the summer, and that he would be back over to see the kids again.

Welcome BabyCenter.com community

I checked the stats today, and WOW.  Over 11,000 hits today and counting.  Prior, my busiest day was a little over 800, during my trip driving Mom and Dad back after mom was released.

Some things you might be interested in:

On the right, the static page ‘Experiences‘ has quite a few comments from people with similar situations, and is occasionally used as a forum for a few frequent visitors.

The entire story (or at least the interesting parts that I remember) can be easily accessed from the ‘In the proper order‘ page, which has all the history sorted chronologically, and skips interludes & other non-event type posts.

The ‘Mom’s access to the kids‘ page is there for historical reasons, but is no longer in use because the question has been answered.

The ‘Questions‘ page used to be used, but has fallen out of use for some time.  It is still open and available.

Poke around and feel free to comment or ask questions if the mood strikes, and thanks for stopping by.

And can someone please explain what a ‘Llama Feast’ is?

Your Relationship With Your Mother

The ‘Art of Manliness‘ had an interesting post on adult men still being ‘mommas boys’, and how to change the relationship to an adult one.  While not directly applicable, it does have some insight into relationships with mothers that might be of interest.  I notices some similarities with what I went through in ‘Blow Up Your Relationship With Your Mother‘ , just not to the same extreme.  It’s interesting to see a different take on adjusting relationships, and as in the article, I feel MUCH more in control of every aspect of my life without Mom hanging like a dark cloud over everything.

Stuff on the Wall

I hadn’t heard anything from Mom or Dad through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years.  So I was surprised when I got a call from Dad’s cell just as I was going into the HVAC store to pick up a contactor for my heat pump.

It was from Dad’s cell, but it was Mom.  She seemed ‘cold normal’, and just wanted to let me know that she had been cleaning.  There were some of my old things at the house, and if I wanted them they would be sitting on the wall by the stairs out front.  I said OK, and she hung up.  That was it.  Now, don’t think there wasn’t a tone and inflection in her voice that blamed me for *whatever*, and that she was being more gracious than I deserved by not just throwing stuff away, because it was there, just more muted than I’ve become accustomed to.

I was busy all afternoon and it was around 8:00 when I finally went over.

Sure enough, there was a pile of stuff sitting on the wall.  All the lights in the house were on, and only Mom’s car was there.  I collected most of it, leaving obvious trash and random things like a blanket and canary cage, and left.

On the drive home, I considered what all this meant.  Mom was there alone, and Dad was elsewhere.  Mom had taken Dad’s cell phone when she left, possibly to get me to answer or maybe just so he wouldn’t have it.  As controlled as she was on the phone, I don’t think that is her current state.  She has a tendency to ‘putter/clean’, where everything gets taken out and stacked on any/all horizontal surfaces.  The stuff that she had left out for me was from several different areas of the house.  Either those items were specifically selected to have some emotionally damaging impact on me, or she is ‘cleaning’ everywhere.  Both are possible, and equally likely.

When I got home, we sorted through the stuff.  Quite a few old shirts of mine, none of which fit since I was 15, a 2010 calendar for my boys that she ‘had been saving all year’ (according to the note written on it), some books, a few random pictures from Dad’s retirement, a helicopter music box that I bought in 8th grade, and a dart board cabinet I made in wood shop.

I haven’t heard from her today.  Honestly, I think I was expecting a call to let me know the importance of the things that I didn’t take.

To give you an idea of just how well we are doing without her, the holidays were a pleasant family time.  Very low stress and enjoyed by all.  ‘Family’ doesn’t seem to include Mom any more.

Lots Of Nothing – And Then Something – Or Maybe Not

Since my last post, not a whole lot has happened.  Even though it’s been ten months, I’ve heard practically nothing from Mom.

At some point, she must have figured out that the only time I answer the phone is when Dad calls on his cell.  Sly person that she is, she ‘borrowed’ Dad’s cell.  She called four or five times in quick succession, and didn’t leave a message.  When I checked the call log, I called Dad back immediately.  Mom answered, then handed the phone to Dad.  He had no idea that his phone had been used.  We talked about goings-on (specifically NOT about us, but local things) and that was it.

Over the next several weeks, Mom called from Dad’s cell phone a few times – until I stopped answering it.

I got a seven word abruptly cut-off birthday message.

A few weeks after that, I got a certified, insured, return-reciept letter in the mail from Dad.  He spent 20 times the normal amount to send a half page letter that basically said ‘Time heals, don’t you think it’s been long enough”.

I procrastinated over the return letter, until about a week later I got a message from Dad on my voicemail at work.  He was at the cabin, and did not have his cell.  I tried returning his call at lunch, but got the answering machine.  I tried calling after I got home from work, but there was no answer and no answering machine.  The next day, I got a call from Dad.  I assumed he had left the cabin since the answering machine hadn’t picked up, but he had unplugged it (no reason given, but I can make an educated guess).  We talked about other stuff, and finally got around to Mom and the kids.  He didn’t remember the condition I had set for Mom seeing the kids.  I explained to him again that only once Mom was being treated for bipolar and following the instructions of the doctor, including meds, would I even consider it.  I also made very clear that it did not apply to him, and that he could visit with them whenever he liked.

That was a month ago, and I haven’t heard from them since.

One other thing that I didn’t pick up on but my wife pointed out was that Dad had taken the old farm truck to the cabin.  It’s still in good shape, but would not be the first (or second) choice of vehicle for that trip.  It sounds like Mom had either taken the keys, or had prevented him from taking another vehicle and the only one he could escape in was ‘Ol Blue’.  It really makes me curious.  Not curious enough to call and ask though.

Visit from Dad

The Saturday after Thanksgiving, I was up fairly early (especially for me on a Saturday).  I checked my phone while I was fixing breakfast, and Dad had tried calling.   The call was from his cell phone, and I was debating whether to call him back or not when he called again.  So I answered it.

It was Dad, and he wanted to see the kids!

After verifying that Mom would not be with him, we set up a time.

The kids and I sat on the back of the truck and talked with him for over an hour.  The boys showed him their ‘new’ (read Last Christmas) casterboards, which he hadn’t seen before.  He had some amusing stories about the black bears breaking into the screen porch for a cup of birdseed, and how the bears and deer vanish the day before hunting season starts.  Dad also had stuff to drop off for my Daughter.  It looked like one of Mom’s ‘Boxes of junk’(tm) that had been filtered.  It contained a birthday card that had been signed, but had no other writing in it (unheard of for Mom).  The strangest thing was a DVD of ‘High-school musical 3′, which was threaded on a coat hanger.  The only malicious thing left was an unopened pack of underwear about 5 sizes too big.

He seemed to be his gregarious self again, and he looked healthy.

Mom has taken up residence at the cabin, and Dad hasn’t settled in one place.  He did say that he would call when he got back into town.

I’m not holding my breath that he will, but it would be nice.

2nd Long Overdue Update

A few months back (Yes, I know.  I haven’t been posting much) I got a call from Dad.  He needed another copy of the Dr. report from when they were on holiday.  I made him a copy and stopped by on the way home from work the next day to drop it off.  He had a visitor, one of the ‘kids’ (read early 20′s) from the beach, who was stationed at the nearby military base.  We chatted for a little while, and he said that he was going to the cabin for a few days, but would be back early the next week.  I asked him to give me a call when he returned, so that he could see the kids.  A week went by, and I drove past his house.  His truck was there, but he didn’t call.  Just reinforces what I said earlier.

I’ve also had VERY few messages from Mom.  Less than one a month in the first half of the year, and less than one every other month recently.

Our lives have settled into a ‘new normal’, which is quite calm and completely lacking the drama that Mom brings.  Nobody seems to miss it at all.

My two older kids have birthdays before Thanksgiving, and then Christmas.  All of them have triggered Mom in the past, so we are all a little anxious around them.  Just keeping my fingers crossed that she doesn’t attempt contact aside from the mail and phone.

It sounds strange to say it, but we’re much happier without Mom in our lives.

1st 2009 Update – Long Overdue

It has been a REALLY long time since I’ve posted anything, so I’ll start with the ‘catching up’ part….

I stopped by with the kids and visited with Dad for a while – this would have been mid September.  Dad was leaving town, but he was only going to be gone for a week or so.  He was also going to have a load of mulch delivered, and the boys were going to come over to help him spread it around.  As an aside, the load of mulch that Dad gets is typically a medium sized dump truck load, about five yards.  That works out to 135 cubic feet.  The oak trees in his back yard don’t allow much to grow under them, so he mulches much of his back yard.

I periodically drove past his house, and he came back about two weeks later.  No phone call.  He had been there about a week, when the car-sized pile of mulch appeared in his driveway.  Still no phone call.  Over the next weeks, the pile of mulch shrunk as he distributed it.  Still no phone call.  His car left, replaced with Mom’s car.  His car came back, and Mom’s stayed.  Still no phone call.  Thanksgiving came and went, still no call.  Christmas came and went, also with no phone call.  Now it’s getting close to four months since I’ve heard from him, and I’m not really expecting to.  Probably not ever.

Which, honestly, is fine with me.  My Wife doesn’t understand that, she thinks that I need to keep up contact with him until he tells me to stop.  Unfortunately, knowing how Dad is, I think that’s just what he’s told me.  If I show up, he’s nice and courteous and kind to the kids, but that’s the way he is.  He’s quite like a politician in some respects.  He’s pleasant and can carry on a conversation with anyone.  Even people he doesn’t like would never know it.  The difference between people that he likes and people that he doesn’t is quite simply if he chooses to be around them or not.  I think that Dad has chosen NOT to be around me.  As painful as that sounds, I think that I’ve known it for quite some time.  It just took a while to sink in.

That shrinking pile of mulch is what did it.  It brought to mind a similar thing quite a few years ago.  We were moving, which happened quite a lot.  Several friends offered to help pack and load.  The ones whose help was accepted were ones that Dad liked.  He even called one to remind them of their offer.  The ones that Dad didn’t like (and I don’t remember the reason) were never called, even though their physical help would have been much more valuable, as they had two teenage boys who played football.  Not that the situation is unusual, people make decisions about who they willingly associate with all the time.  The difference is that all of them had recently been to a farewell picnic, and Dad had been in animated conversations with them.  They had joked around, and an observer would have never known that there was any preference between them.  That showed up when Dad could exercise some choice, and then his choices were quite clear, if unspoken.  Everything just came into focus with that dwindling mulch pile.  He’d rather do all the work himself that have me or my kids around.  Oh well, his loss…

In another vein, the kids and I got Christmas cards from Mom.  The boys got a card (combined, btw) that was innocuous.  The card that she sent me was also quite bland.  She told me that she was still at the beach with bronchitis, and that my childhood couldn’t have been all that bad, since I didn’t run away.  I had high hopes that it would make interesting blogging fodder.  My Daughter’s card was accompanied by one of Mom’s infamous ‘boxes of junk’(tm) that she’s famous for.  It included an opened bag of restaurant crackers, a sheet of ‘high school musical’ stickers, and some Disney princess napkins.  My Daughter didn’t want any of it.  The card (which she also didn’t want) read in part ‘Someday you’ll be old enough to come see us without your parents permission – I just hope we don’t die or lose our memories first.  Maybe Daddy can take you to see (grandfather), so he doesn’t spend all day at Uncle (brother)’s grave crying – poor (grandfather). ‘ and ‘Isn’t it a shame when parents destroy the dreams of their children?’

I’ve gotten several messages from Mom, but haven’t bothered to get them off my voicemail yet.  I just haven’t been in the mood.  Obviously, if there is anything interesting there, I’ll post it.

Dad’s back & Painting

About mid-week last week, I drove by Dad’s house, and noticed that his truck was there.  I didn’t stop then, because it was quite late.  Last weekend we got some fairly heavy rain, and I drove by again to see if he was still there, or if I needed to make sure that he hadn’t flooded.  His truck was still there, and it was late, so I didn’t stop again.  I did go over the next day to check.

I went over to see him Sunday afternoon.

He was in the shower, so I ended up knocking, ringing the doorbell, and knocking on the back door before he finally came down.  He had hired a local handy-man to patch some cracks in the drywall, and had painted nearly half the house, including the ceilings.  We talked a bit about a wide variety of things.  Those relating to Mom were:

• He asked if I thought if Mom would get to see the kids.  I told him that I had noticed a change in the level Mom’s agitation, but not in the content of what she was saying.  Without a fundamental change, no, it’s not going to happen.
• Mom has been constantly messing with Dad’s cell phone, changing the PIN, and changed the menu to Spanish (again).  Dad got tired of it, and took it up to the store to have it reset.  After waiting for the Spanish-speaking clerk to return from lunch, they did get it fixed.  Dad had them put a lock on it so that the PIN and menu options can’t be changed unless HE goes to the store and asks for it in writing.
• Dad leaves both his cell and the house phone off.  Always.  He never checks his cell phone voicemail, and only checks the house answering machine when it fills up.  He communicates with Mom primarily by leaving her voicemail.
• Mom was at the cabin (which she mentioned in a voicemail to me), and that after Mom was there for 4 or 5 days, it would take Dad a full day to clean it up.
• He told me that he had to get a 2nd shed to store all the stuff that Mom collected, so that the house could be rented.  He worked for two full 19 hour days cleaning it up, and finished with less than an hour to spare before the renters arrived.
• When he gets to the beach, Mom has the sink and stove both piled with dishes.  It takes him a full day to clean up just them, mostly because Mom is concerned that he might be doing something ‘wrong’.
• Their bedroom in their house at the beach is piled so high with clothes that they have to sleep in the other bedroom.
• Mom had spent a few days up here while Dad was at the cabin.  When he got back, she had removed everything from their kitchen cabinets and pantry closet, and stacked it on the dining room floor.  She was ‘straightening it up’, but she never got around to putting anything back before she started ‘straightening up’ another room.
• She has lots of other ‘problems’, including allergies, sjogren’s, digestive problems, etc.  None of which Dad believes.  She is confused about how she is supposed to take some of her meds – one can be taken ‘up to four times a day, as needed’, and she takes it exactly four times a day every day, if she is having a problem or not.
• Any kind of odor can cause an ‘allergic reaction’, and Mom is frequently taking benadryl.  I’d be worried about adverse effects & addiction, but Mom can only take the ‘childrens dye-free’ stuff, and then only in very small doses. (1/2 teaspoon or so)
• One of the times that he and Mom went to see a shrink, the shrink told Mom that she probably just needed to ‘get it out’.  During Dad’s private time with him, he let him know in no uncertain terms that that was the absolute WRONG thing to tell her, because now she’ll never stop.
• He thinks that she has gotten worse, maybe.  She definitely hasn’t gotten better, even though the mania is gone.

My Wife wasn’t entirely happy that I didn’t ask Dad the ‘pressing questions’ – Is Mom going to actually take us to court, why doesn’t he call when he comes back, etc

I’m going to stop by again this Sunday with the kids (boys, at least), they’ve got some interesting things to tell him about.  I may get a chance to find out a bit more then.

Another biological ’cause’ for Bipolar?

Researchers have analyzed Sweedish biographical data, which is quite comprehensive, and determined that fathers over 55 have a much higher chance of having a bipolar child.

Not that the research isn’t important, but remember that correlation does not equal causality.  There were NO controls to determine if the environment had any impact at all.  For example, children who are born to fathers in their mid fifties can expect to have their fathers die while they are in their 20′s.  Traumatic live events around critical stages can really mess people up.

No, Mom’s Not Dead

If any of you saw the obit in the Vallejo Times-Herald or got an email about it, Mom is NOT the person mentioned in it.

If you didn’t, you can read it at snopes.

It does give some food for thought, and it’s refreshing to see honesty where everything is usually whitewashed.

Chemical Imbalance – Not according to research

Apparently I’ve been as conditioned as most to ascribe depression & bipolar to a chemical imbalance.  God knows that the pharmaceutical companies certainly push that.  Apparently it was disproved a while ago.

The current trend is towards ascribing them to brain cell death & shrinkage.  I found an analysis of one article at PsychCentral by Dr Grohl.  The full article is about how the advent of Prozac caused brain science to reach some incorrect conclusions about why prozac was working.  The full article is at the Boston Globe.

I can’t believe just how far out of the mainstream this information has been kept, and that I hadn’t seen it before.  And I’m not exactly the least informed person out there.

I think that the FDA should require the same kind of warning on those drugs as the ones that you find on herbal supplements and quackery like ‘head on’.

I’ve got a LOT of research to do now.

On Again, Off Again

Last weeks ago, I got a call from Dad. He was in town, but planning to go back to the beach, and wondered if the kids and I could go out for icecream.

After dinner we went over, and talked for more than half an hour in the driveway before heading out. After we had eaten, we sat at the icecream stand for another hour talking (and admiring the three classic cars that people had brought). I drove Dad home, and we visited for another half hour at Dad’s house.

Because of the kids, I didn’t get the opportunity to ask Dad any of the questions that I need to ask, but everyone seemed to have a good time.

He’s going to the beach, and doesn’t think he’ll be back until mid September. I give him two weeks.

Back To ‘Normal’, I Guess

I drove by Dad’s on my way to work Friday morning, and his truck was there.  A few hours later, Mom called my cell and left me a voicemail – two, actually.  Just to let me know that they, meaning she and Dad, will be taking me to court.  For real this time, because she’s had enough fooling around.  Really.  One of her friends will help her with it, too.  Really.  She’s serious this time.  And she means it.  If I don’t act like a man and tell my wife that the kids need their grandparents then she’s going to court to get custody of them.  Really.

She did remember that it was my anniversary last week, and that she didn’t call because she doesn’t want to celebrate it or even acknowledge that it exists at all.  She also reminded me that I missed her birthday too, but that it obviously wasn’t important to me any more.

She left me another voicemail on Saturday.  Apparently one of her spies (read neighbors) reported back to her that I had driven down their street Friday morning.  On Sunday she called but hung up without leaving a message.

Now….

Just so it’s clear, Mom will NOT be taking us to court.  I’d like nothing better than to get her under oath in front of a judge, and confront her with the messages that she’s left directly for the kids.  Just listening to those messages would take probably two days in court, let alone the ‘good’ ones she’s left for me.  Dad knows what would happen, and somewhere deep she does too, so she won’t ever do anything more than threaten.  The same way she threatened to go on Oprah or Dr Phil.

Also, Mom is no longer manic.  She’s at an emotional level that would easily be called normal.  Not any happier, kinder, or more sane, just no longer manic.

And one of the recurring themes from the last several messages, starting in the spring I think, is that Dad really doesn’t want to see the kids either.  They’re cold when talking with him, and he has to pump them for information when they visit.  I’m going to ask him about that the next time I see him.  I also have to remember to ask him why he thought he needed to ask me if the kids could talk to Mom.  If I had to guess, he probably thinks Mom is improving just because she’s not running perpetually hot now.  I need to make him understand that Mom can’t see the kids because she’s manic, but because she’s evil.  (Yes, evil.  I put half a dozen different words there, only to erase them.  Evil is the only one that encompasses the entirety of her behavior.  I’m going to have to find a different word or set of words when I talk to Dad, though.)

I Hate The Wait

It’s been nearly two weeks since I’ve heard from Mom or Dad. Which is really unusual, considering that my anniversary and Mom’s birthday were last week. Both are usually the cause of ‘several’ phone calls. I waited all day, both days, but nothing. I’m not sure what that means. I know that Dad was going to be at the beach with Mom on her birthday, maybe he kept her occupied enough.

The not knowing grates after a while. Like walking through cloudy water and feeling something brush against you. You can’t see anything, but you know there’s something there, and you have no idea where or when it will appear again. I guess I need a network of spies that will call with weekly reports of her goings-on. That, or some kind of GPS system that will tell me exactly where she is. A bell for the cat so to speak.

I expect that Dad will be back soon, if he’s not back already. Two weeks would be a really long time for him to stick it out – even though Mom doesn’t appear to be manic any longer. I’ll drive by his house to see if he’s there tomorrow.

Mom Called & Dad Just Doesn’t Get It

I got a voicemail from Mom on Thursday (3 July) at my desk at work. I was there, but chose not to answer it (I never do). She’s no longer manic, judging by the speed of her speech initially, and then accelerates on some type of upward parabolic curve. The first few seconds are fine, and then she starts in again. My Wife is garbage and manipulates me, she’s driven off all my friends, blah blah blah. It appears that she has a letter that my Wife wrote to me before we were married, which she claims that she will use in court. Oh, and she claims that she’s gotten a lawyer again and Dad is helping her with it (yeah right). And (according to her) the shrink she’s been going to says that she wasn’t treated properly while on holiday, as do her other doctors, and they’ll help her out in court. If it were only true. I’d like nothing better than to have Mom in a courtroom, especially on the witness stand. I wonder if they video/audio tape it?

A few hours after that, Dad called. He enjoyed the visit with the kids, and was going to go to the cabin for the 4th. He also asked that since Mom was doing much better, and under the care of a shrink, if I thought it would be possible for her to see the kids or talk to them on the phone. He referenced the letter that I sent them last year, and I’m not sure if the timing is because of that, or because Mom’s birthday is next week.

I said no.

I told him that Mom’s agitation level might be different, but what she says is still so vile and full of malice that I really didn’t see any change in her at all, other than that she isn’t running quite so hot any more. She’s still just as manipulative as ever, and that she’s not really getting effective treatment.

He and I are overdue for a serious conversation about just what my expectations are. I am concerned about it, however, because the less manic Mom is, the more control she has over her displays. If (read when) he tells Mom what I tell him I’m looking for, she will probably be able to produce it for brief periods of time. Not that it would convince me to resume any kind of contact at all. I’ve gotten off that merry-go-round and I’m NEVER being sucked back into it. Ever. I guess I just don’t want to be accused of ‘moving the goalposts‘. I’m also going to have to discuss with him my (and his, whether he knows it or not) greatest fear, that Mom’s unacceptable behavior may only be amplified by the bipolar, not caused by it. And there may not be any way to remove the evil from her short of treppanning with a claw hammer.