Back To ‘Normal’, I Guess

I drove by Dad’s on my way to work Friday morning, and his truck was there.  A few hours later, Mom called my cell and left me a voicemail - two, actually.  Just to let me know that they, meaning she and Dad, will be taking me to court.  For real this time, because she’s had enough fooling around.  Really.  One of her friends will help her with it, too.  Really.  She’s serious this time.  And she means it.  If I don’t act like a man and tell my wife that the kids need their grandparents then she’s going to court to get custody of them.  Really.

She did remember that it was my anniversary last week, and that she didn’t call because she doesn’t want to celebrate it or even acknowledge that it exists at all.  She also reminded me that I missed her birthday too, but that it obviously wasn’t important to me any more.

She left me another voicemail on Saturday.  Apparently one of her spies (read neighbors) reported back to her that I had driven down their street Friday morning.  On Sunday she called but hung up without leaving a message.

Now….

Just so it’s clear, Mom will NOT be taking us to court.  I’d like nothing better than to get her under oath in front of a judge, and confront her with the messages that she’s left directly for the kids.  Just listening to those messages would take probably two days in court, let alone the ‘good’ ones she’s left for me.  Dad knows what would happen, and somewhere deep she does too, so she won’t ever do anything more than threaten.  The same way she threatened to go on Oprah or Dr Phil.

Also, Mom is no longer manic.  She’s at an emotional level that would easily be called normal.  Not any happier, kinder, or more sane, just no longer manic.

And one of the recurring themes from the last several messages, starting in the spring I think, is that Dad really doesn’t want to see the kids either.  They’re cold when talking with him, and he has to pump them for information when they visit.  I’m going to ask him about that the next time I see him.  I also have to remember to ask him why he thought he needed to ask me if the kids could talk to Mom.  If I had to guess, he probably thinks Mom is improving just because she’s not running perpetually hot now.  I need to make him understand that Mom can’t see the kids because she’s manic, but because she’s evil.  (Yes, evil.  I put half a dozen different words there, only to erase them.  Evil is the only one that encompasses the entirety of her behavior.  I’m going to have to find a different word or set of words when I talk to Dad, though.)

I Hate The Wait

It’s been nearly two weeks since I’ve heard from Mom or Dad. Which is really unusual, considering that my anniversary and Mom’s birthday were last week. Both are usually the cause of ’several’ phone calls. I waited all day, both days, but nothing. I’m not sure what that means. I know that Dad was going to be at the beach with Mom on her birthday, maybe he kept her occupied enough.

The not knowing grates after a while. Like walking through cloudy water and feeling something brush against you. You can’t see anything, but you know there’s something there, and you have no idea where or when it will appear again. I guess I need a network of spies that will call with weekly reports of her goings-on. That, or some kind of GPS system that will tell me exactly where she is. A bell for the cat so to speak.

I expect that Dad will be back soon, if he’s not back already. Two weeks would be a really long time for him to stick it out - even though Mom doesn’t appear to be manic any longer. I’ll drive by his house to see if he’s there tomorrow.

Mom Called & Dad Just Doesn’t Get It

I got a voicemail from Mom on Thursday (3 July) at my desk at work. I was there, but chose not to answer it (I never do). She’s no longer manic, judging by the speed of her speech initially, and then accelerates on some type of upward parabolic curve. The first few seconds are fine, and then she starts in again. My Wife is garbage and manipulates me, she’s driven off all my friends, blah blah blah. It appears that she has a letter that my Wife wrote to me before we were married, which she claims that she will use in court. Oh, and she claims that she’s gotten a lawyer again and Dad is helping her with it (yeah right). And (according to her) the shrink she’s been going to says that she wasn’t treated properly while on holiday, as do her other doctors, and they’ll help her out in court. If it were only true. I’d like nothing better than to have Mom in a courtroom, especially on the witness stand. I wonder if they video/audio tape it?

A few hours after that, Dad called. He enjoyed the visit with the kids, and was going to go to the cabin for the 4th. He also asked that since Mom was doing much better, and under the care of a shrink, if I thought it would be possible for her to see the kids or talk to them on the phone. He referenced the letter that I sent them last year, and I’m not sure if the timing is because of that, or because Mom’s birthday is next week.

I said no.

I told him that Mom’s agitation level might be different, but what she says is still so vile and full of malice that I really didn’t see any change in her at all, other than that she isn’t running quite so hot any more. She’s still just as manipulative as ever, and that she’s not really getting effective treatment.

He and I are overdue for a serious conversation about just what my expectations are. I am concerned about it, however, because the less manic Mom is, the more control she has over her displays. If (read when) he tells Mom what I tell him I’m looking for, she will probably be able to produce it for brief periods of time. Not that it would convince me to resume any kind of contact at all. I’ve gotten off that merry-go-round and I’m NEVER being sucked back into it. Ever. I guess I just don’t want to be accused of ‘moving the goalposts‘. I’m also going to have to discuss with him my (and his, whether he knows it or not) greatest fear, that Mom’s unacceptable behavior may only be amplified by the bipolar, not caused by it. And there may not be any way to remove the evil from her short of treppanning with a claw hammer.

Visit With Dad and a Box of Malice

I got a call from Dad on Tuesday evening.  He’s back in town, alone.  His eye surgery went well, and he can drive without glasses.  We chatted for a while and got caught up with things that have been going on.  I already knew about the problems with Mom’s car, but Dad’s truck is now under a recall and will need to be in the shop for a few hours to have a part replaced.

Mom’s car also is back in the shop, this time it was her car that was hit while parked on the street.  The damage sounded minor, but they are going to replace the entire drivers door.  She’s in a loaner for the next week or so while the work is done.  Dad told me that they were initially having some problems dealing with the insurance company of the driver that hit her, but that Mom got angry and called them.  Eventually she got what she wanted, including the loaner.

I made arrangements to take the kids over for a visit with Dad on Wednesday, and called him on my way home from work to confirm. Our visit went well, and the kids and I sat and talked with Dad for about two hours.

When we were leaving, Dad gave us a box and several bags of stuff that Mom had designated for us while she was cleaning.  My wife and I went through it when we got home.

It included some high school and college yearbooks of mine and a few other books, as well as a random collection of other garbage, which is typical for anything sent from Mom.  It even included a few packets of instant hot chocolate and a box of off-brand pop-tarts with two packets left in it, one of which had been opened.  There were the normal malevolent writings on cards and pictures, saying how much She missed seeing the kids, how cruel my Wife and I were being, and that God would get even with us some day.

Also included in the box were pictures of me when I was little - from 2 1/2 on up.  And pictures of Mom & Dad with my boys.  The distinct impression that my Wife and I got was that Mom included those pictures as a cruel reminder of the relationship they used to have with the kids, and that she was symbolically getting rid of us.  Not that she is actually doing that, as it would take a steamer trunk or three for just the photos.  But she wants me to think that is what she is doing, thinking that I would somehow be hurt by it.

Also, just to give you an idea of the level of malice involved, she also included a ‘gift’ for my wife.  I’m sure that she actually went out of her way to locate and purchased is especially for her.  It’s a pair of ‘granny panties’ in pink nylon that are large enough to fit over my truck’s tire.

Thanks, Mom.  Thanks a lot.

I’ve refrained from getting her a birthday present again this year.  I really don’t think she’d like the stuff from Despair anyway.

Mom’s Power is Gone

My wife and I went out for an hour or so, while the kids stayed home. I had forgotten my cell, and didn’t check it until later that evening. When I did, I saw that Mom had called. I asked the kids about it, and found that my Daughter had answered it (insert gasp here).
My youngest Son - 11, heard it ring, looked at it, and saw ‘Mom - cell’. He handed it to my Daughter to answer, which she did. Mom apparently thought she was my wife, and asked to talk to me. My daughter hung up. Nobody answered 30 seconds later when she called back.
I’ve since changed Mom’s contact information on my phone to read ‘xxxMom’ for her various numbers, so that the kids won’t get confused again. I’m not sure why they didn’t notice the sinister ringtone that’s reserved exclusively for Mom, it’s ‘toccata and fugue’.
The really surprising part was that nobody mentioned it until I asked, hours after we had gotten home. A year ago, an accidentally answered call from Mom wouldn’t have been easily forgotten. I take it as a sign that Mom’s power over them is waning.
Mom and Dad are at the beach, and Dad had his cataract removed yesterday, as far as I know. I’m not sure how long it will last this time. I’m guessing 10 days or less. I still have the support group info for Dad that I never got to drop off.

Day After Father’s Day

I had driven past Dad’s house a few times in the last week.  Once, Mom’s car was there by itself and the lights were off, then both cars were there.  On Sunday evening, Dad’s truck was there by itself.  I also got a call from Mom Sunday, reminding me how it was Father’s day, and I hadn’t done anything for Dad, but I never did anyway, blah blah blah…  It was the first call I’d gotten from her in two weeks, and knowing Mom’s pattern of not calling me when anyone (read Dad) is around, I figured it meant that she had left.

I called Dad on Monday to wish him a happy belated Father’s day, but Mom answered his cell.  After a stunned second of silence, I said something like ‘I’m sorry, I was trying to get a hold of Dad.’  She said that he was outside, and would take the phone to him.  Somewhere along the way she closed his phone, which hung it up.  I was still holding the phone next to my ear when it rang.   Dad and I talked for a few minutes about the kids, and a science exhibit they had seen with a large Van de Graff generator that they enjoyed playing with.

I was trying to figure out just what it meant that Mom could answer Dad’s phone and be civil (cold, but civil).  I guessed that if she and Dad had been in close proximity for the last two weeks, then she had probably come down, at least a bit.

Five minutes after I hung up with Dad, I got a call from Mom’s cell.  For the first time in almost a year, I answered it.  I’m not sure exactly what I was expecting.  I think I was hoping for civil, at least once more.  Nope, just like before, and on the messages.  She starts at a normal level and tone, but you can tell she’s just warming up.  She only got in two complaints (missing their anniversary this year, and Mother’s day) before she abruptly hung up.  I surmise that she was hiding her call from Dad, but really don’t know.

They did tell me a bit of their schedule for the week, both of them are going to the beach.  Later this week, Dad is going to have his cataract surgery.   I guess Mom hasn’t threatened to  ‘scratch his eyes out‘ lately.

Dad also told me that they were going to see the shrink while they were down, and that the shrink thinks that Mom’s doing ‘extremely well’.  I’m not sure what ‘extremely well’ means, but from what Mom has said, this shrink has an aversion to using meds.  I’m not holding my breath for any significant change.  And I’m back to wondering just what Dad is expecting to result from these visits.

Chance Encounter at the Pool

Some friends of ours had a birthday party for their daughter the other day, and it was a pool party. We all went, and had a good time. While I was sitting (read dozing) by the pool, the boyfriend of the girl sitting next to us came over.   They ware arguing quietly, he wanted to talk, and she said it was over.  He left and came back, then she left and came back, then he left… it continued for about 20 minutes.  Eventually, she collected her kid (not his) and left for good.  A little while later, my friends came over to see just how much of an earful I had gotten.  They know him, and he came over a little while later to apologize.  He does something that is a horrible offense to her about weekly, and she has nothing to do with him for several days.  About the time he thinks that it is really over, she calls him back like nothing is wrong, and the cycle starts over again.  His boss has even noticed that his work is starting to suffer, and suggested that he may want to take corrective action.  He explained that she really is a nice girl, but she’s had some pretty bad things happen to her, which didn’t help because she was bipolar and wouldn’t stay on her meds.

Four pairs of eyes got wide and just stared at him for a second.  ‘Did you say bipolar’ my wife asked?.

He said yes, then he got a few different versions of what I expressed as ‘Run away.  Run far.  Run fast, and don’t look back.  Ever.  Did I say run away?’

He wasn’t sure if he was going to or not.  He’s really frustrated.  He’s also had the cops called on him a few times because she didn’t get her way.  He said that he would probably have to move to make a breakup permanent (they live in the same apartment complex).

Looking back on it, I should have sent him over to my 12 year old son.  When I asked him about it later that evening, his only response to what he would have said was ‘good luck’.

Also,

We had been out of town for a few days, but I did drive by Dad’s house a few times.  Dad’s car was there (I think alone) on Wednesday,  both Mom & Dad’s cars were there on Friday, and Mom’s car was there alone on Saturday.  I know that Mom has something to do at the beach on Monday or Tuesday, and it wouldn’t surprise me if Dad had gone down to straighten things up (read shovel out) before the vacation season starts.

I’ve also uploaded two more messages to youtube, which I got while the kids and I were out to eat with Dad.  Which is really funny, because Mom is yelling about how I need to go see Dad, and the first message I got was AFTER I had already picked him up.

Mom Approaching From The SouthWest

While running some errands yesterday, I stopped by the hospital and picked up some information about local support groups for loved ones of people with bipolar. There are two that are relatively convenient to where we are, one from NAMI, and one from DBSA. I stopped at Dad’s on my way home to drop them off.

When Dad came to the door, he told me that he just got off the phone with Mom, and that she was about 45 minutes away. I offered to move my car so that he could make a quick exit, but he said that he would probably stick around - for a few days, anyway.

I told him why I had come, and he was interested. I also told him that I would take the info with me so that Mom wouldn’t see it, and get it to him when she left.

He told me that Mom had taken a reservation that they would be unable to fulfill, and that he would probably have to go down to the beach to clean up some stuff.

We also talked a bit about just how much stress he was under - similar to the troops in a battle zone. Even if nothing happens for 3 or 4 days, the stress of anticipating it constantly still takes a toll. He said that he was surprised that he didn’t have an ulcer from it all

We talked briefly about stuff, and I left. I estimate that I had ten minutes to spare.

Second Video Uploaded

I’ve uploaded my second movie clip.  The audio quality is pretty bad - a function of both Mom yelling into her phone, and the gear that I use to record it.  I cleaned it up as best I could.

I put the transcript of what Mom is saying on the video, so it should be easier to understand.

The second video is up at youtube.

All (read both) are at http://www.youtube.com/mybipolarmother.

They are not difficult to create, but they are very time-consuming - especially including the transcript of the message.  So I probably won’t be putting a whole lot of them up.

Message Uploaded

Well, after a little trial and error, I have finally compiled a video.  Two, actually.  You can see them, and any future ones that I put up at http://www.youtube.com/mybipolarmother.

The image is of a red rose, with dew drops clinging to it’s soft petals.  Words gently fade on and off the screen.

It’s a very sedate, relaxing video to watch - IF you have the sound turned off.  The audio is of the messages that Mom has left for me.

My first two videos were made from messages that Mom left the day after my ‘Pizza, The Postmaster, and The Mechanic‘ post.

It’s a non-trivial process to edit the names out, then create the video.  I doubt that I will be doing a lot of these.

Listen if you like, I won’t be offended if you don’t.

How I Keep From Telling Mom To Die In A Fire

How do I do it?

Quite honestly by not answering the phone. And I NEVER call her back.

On some days it’s harder than others. Occasionally I really just want to call her back and explain in ten words or less just what I think of the evil, bitter, narcissistic person that she has become and express my heartfelt desire for her immediate future. I don’t, but I really want to.
So, why don’t I?

I don’t like conflict. I never have. Probably because of how I grew up.

It wouldn’t do any good anyway. I’ve seen Mom argue, and it’s not something that you can follow. Mostly I’ve seen her argue with Dad, and she dredges up stuff from 50 years ago to throw at him. She never loses an argument, mainly because she just never stops.

The stories she tells of me are already pretty bad. And with the way she twists things, I can only imagine what it would become.

I feel sorry for her, and don’t want to hurt her (most of the time, anyway). It really must be hell living inside her head. Assuming that she believes everything that she says, then the entire world wants to turn that ‘vibrant, competent, intelligent’ person into a drooling vegetable. (If those are the only choices, then drooling vegetable sounds good.) I figure that the least harm I can cause, while also exposing myself and my family to the least harm, is to have no contact with her at all.

Then there are other days….

Days where she’ll leave a message for me, trying to find my big red buttons with a sledge hammer. When it’s about me, I can laugh it off. When she attacks my Wife or Kids, as is more common, I hope that she’ll work herself up to the point that she blows a gasket. I sometimes feel guilty for thinking that, but not always. Not even often any more. Running that hot for that long has got to be causing physical damage. Sadly, that is a comforting thought to me.

The worst are when she’s not in a high-energy state, but says the same things. Those cause me to seriously wonder how much of her hatred is caused by bipolar, and how much is just her. When she’s hot, it’s easy to blame bipolar. When she’s cold and hateful…. not so much.  Those are the days where I could tell my own mother to ‘die in a fire’ and mean it sincerely.

Two Dinners With Dad

On our way to the store, my Wife and I drove over yesterday afternoon to talk to Dad’s neighbor again, and Dad was home.  He had just gotten back from the cabin about an hour before we arrived.  We talked for a little while and then I offered to bring the kids over to help him with some yardwork that he was doing.  We returned half an hour later and dropped the kids off, then proceeded to the store.  When we were done, I called Dad after we were finished unloading.  At my wife’s suggestion, I asked if he wanted to go out to dinner with the kids and I.  I was planning on pizza, but when everyone was loaded, Dad suggested a Mexican place that the kids also like but he had never been to.  An unusual thing for Dad.

We had a nice dinner, and he enjoyed himself.  He had never had fried icecream before, and shared some of the kids.  We made arrangements for him to come by and see the results of a project that I’d been working on at the house.  He was going to a Memorial Day ceremony tomorrow morning, so i was to call him afterward.

I had to be up early, so I tried him well before the he would have left, to see if he’d be interested in taking the kids along.  His phone was still turned off, so I called back early this afternoon.  He didn’t answer the first several times that I called, but a few hours later I was able to get in touch.  Since our expected guests had canceled, I invited Dad over to dinner.  The last time that Dad was over ( with the exception of seeing him on the street) was more than a year ago. He accepted, and we had a nice visit and dinner.  We even sent some leftovers home with him.

What my Wife and I noticed was that Dad has changed a lot in the last year.  I noticed at the restaurant last night that his arms had gotten somewhat thin.  Dad has always been built like a marathon runner, but he seems to have lost muscle as well as weight.  He doesn’t look frail, at least not yet.  Dinner conversation was much more subdued from the last time he was over.  He would typically tell the kids stories from his life, which really don’t need embellishment to be very entertaining.  That spark was still there, but only really showed itself two or three times this evening.  His demeanor was very subdued.  It wasn’t like he was intentionally holding back, but that it was just not there.

It seemed like he has just gotten weary of dealing with everything.    Resigned to events and no longer willing to struggle against them.  This from a man who survived a form of cancer that kills the vast majority of people that get it - with an optimistic attitude and drive.  If I had to guess, I think he may have come to the realization that Mom will probably never be any better than she is now, and  that she is going to get worse.

Not pleasant thoughts, especially since Dad has virtually no support to speak of.

Fallen Branch and Dad’s Neighbor

Mom left me two messages on Friday, which I ignored until Saturday afternoon. The ‘informational’ part of Mom’s messages was that a branch had fallen from Dad’s neighbor’s tree into his driveway, Dad’s cell phone was turned off, and she was concerned since someone was trying to contact him. The ‘non-informative’ part of those messages was that Dad had abandoned her, he’s hiding from her on his birthday, and she doesn’t want him back anyway because he is just a worn out old man.

Oh, and I’m still a ‘disgusting disgrace’. My Evil-Alter-Ego(tm) wants to send her a thesaurus with some words highlighted.

So, on my way to the hardware store for gear for my weekend projects, my Wife and I stopped to see about the branch. Dad wasn’t home, and there was no branch to be seen. Dad’s neighbor was outside, so we went over to say hello. An hour and a half later, we were finally on our way again.

Dad’s neighbor is a nice old man, and very well intentioned. He just doesn’t have a clue as to what Mom is really like. She lies to him (knowingly or otherwise) and he believes it. Some of the stuff that we talked about was:

• Dad has always been controlling, and she’s helpless since he abandoned her. When I tell Dad about it, he’ll laugh pretty hard. I did. Dad has given Mom everything she has ever asked for. Partially because he loves her, and I’m sure partially to appease or placate her.
• Mom had told him that she had canceled the boys college funds. He wasn’t happy about that and told her that she needed to treat the kids equally. He was not happy when we gave him a few other examples of how Mom only values my Daughter. He was really not happy when we told him about my Son’s birthday present, which was just a card - and a gift for my Daughter. He couldn’t believe that there wasn’t even money in it.
• He seems to think that if we all got together we could come to some kind of agreement and smooth things over. I told him that you don’t negotiate with a rattlesnake.
• He said that we just need to forgive her. I tried (I’m not sure how successfully) to explain that it wasn’t that we hadn’t forgiven her, but that it was more a matter of protecting the kids from a very damaging influence.
• Words, anger, and bitterness really only hurt the person that is angry, and can’t do damage. Which is true (to some extent) but that the tongue is sharper than a two-edged sword. Especially with the kids, things that are said can have a significant and long-term impact.
• He asked what it would take to convince me that Mom was really trying. In a nutshell, nothing. Unless she is willing to own up to what she has been doing, then I have nothing to say to her.
• He told me about Mom going to the counselor, and how Dad had been going but quit. I explained the normal sequence of Mom and counselors. When they realize that she has a problem and mention it to her, she finds something new to blame.
• He had apparently gotten an earful about my Wife. He was shocked when he found out that the same stuff was said to the kids ‘because they need to know’.
• Mom just needs love, prayers, and understanding. I wanted to, but didn’t compare Mom to Old Yeller.

He also told us that he talks to Mom sometimes three or four times a day. He will also trade off with the other neighbor (from the mechanic) sometimes.

I’ve gotten a few other messages that I haven’t blogged yet, and they’re good (in the sense of interesting for blogging purposes).

I’m in the process of learning how to convert the MP3s that I have of Mom to video so that any who are interested can hear just what I’m talking about. Unless you’ve been there, you have NO idea what they’re like.

My Wife’s Blog

My Wife has a blog as a companion to this one at mybipolarmotherinlaw.wordpress.com (creative, isn’t it?). She is planning on writing from her perspective about the issues concerning my Mother, as well as issues that we have had in our marriage that are the result of my being raised by a bipolar mother.

This should get interesting quickly

Addition To My Blogroll - Depression Introspection

I’ve been added to the blogroll of ‘Depression Introspection‘, who highly recommended my blog.

She is a young, married, Christian woman living with bipolar disorder in Philadelphia PA. She posts nearly every day, so if there isn’t anything new here, there probably will be there. But don’t take my word for it, hers is the number one depression blog at Psych Central. (Her blog badge humbly says ‘Top Ten’).

Pizza, The Postmaster, and The Mechanic

I tried calling Dad on Saturday morning on my way to the hardware store, but his phone was turned off. I stopped by, and he was at home.

We visited for a little while, and he didn’t need anything, so I went alone. I did tell him that I’d call tomorrow (Sunday) after the kids got home.

My wife and kids got in about 11:00 Saturday evening, and nobody was in bed before 2:00am. When I got up on Sunday (not morning, btw) I had a message from Dad asking when I thought we would be over, or call.

My wife and boys were out at a rescue squad demonstration (which included a helicopter), and wouldn’t be back for a while. I called Dad to let him know. Shortly after, my Wife got home, and I called Dad back to see if he wanted to go out for pizza, since his birthday is approaching, and my Son’s had just passed.

We went out, and had a good time. The kids had done some interesting things since they had seen him last, so they had a lot to talk about. On the way home, he suggested that we stop at an icecream stand.

Today, I got a call from Dad, reminding me that there was a package that Mom had sent to my Daughter and Son, who had just had a birthday, and would I mind picking it up. That had also been the subject of a few of Mom’s messages as well. He also told me that he had a good time with the kids, and that they were ‘bubbly’, and a joy to be around.

I got quite a few messages from Mom yesterday, starting just after I picked Dad up and we were heading out to pizza. When I listened to them, it was really funny to hear just how furious Mom was about me having ’stood Dad up’, and how ‘devastated’ he was when he didn’t hear from me.

My Wife picked up the package today, and got an earful from the postmaster. Apparently Mom has been calling and harassing his employees about the package to the point that none of them will answer the phone when she calls.

My wife also had to go to the mechanic to get the state inspection done, and the owner of the station told her about one of Dad’s neighbors. The lady had dropped her car off for maintenance, and when the owner drove her home she said that they would have to leave a message because she wasn’t answering the phone any more today. Mom had already called her four times (10:00 am) and she just couldn’t take it any more.

I got one call from Mom this morning, thanking me (sarcastically of course) for finally getting around to letting the kids see Dad and taking him out to eat. She just couldn’t understand why I would be so irresponsible as to let Dad sit at home and wait for hours without calling him or anything. After all of her enraged calls yesterday, her voice was really bad today.

Oh, and the package didn’t really include any malevolent notes this time. My Son got a birthday card, and my Daughter got a purse (which she refused). For those that don’t know, my Daughter’s birthday is 6 months away, but she has always been the favorite, and always gets gifts. My boys are just afterthoughts.

Dad’s Back Again

Dad called this afternoon and had a question about his cell. Apparently Mom changed the pin# and he can’t check his messages. He’s going to have to go back to the store to get it reset this time.

He came back from the beach and the next day went up to the cabin. He got back this afternoon. He told me a little about what had gone on, and that Mom is extremely inconsistent. He didn’t get a chance to see the shrink while he was down, but Mom has still been going. I wonder how long that will last.

He also told me that Mom doesn’t want him to leave the house even for errands (or to get a break, I’m sure). She’ll block the door to keep him there, and even put her car behind his truck to keep him from getting out. He misjudged the clearance that he had and actually bumped the drivers side fender. He said that he was distracted because Mom was walking next to the truck and he didn’t want to hit her. What that probably means is that she was yelling at him about something and banging on his window. When he left to come back here, he did it while Mom was at the counselors. He did leave her a note. And in addition to all the nasty voicemail messages that she left for him, she sent him flowers today.

My wife suggested that since she and the kids are at her sisters tonight that I should take Dad out to diner. When I called him back, he didn’t answer. I’m not really surprised at that, because shortly after I talked to Dad, I got a voicemail from Mom. She still didn’t know where Dad is, and I probably didn’t care anyway, and wouldn’t even come to his funeral if he were dead.

I’ve gotten two more messages since then, but haven’t listened to them.

I’m working on a project on the house this weekend, and need to go to the hardware store tomorrow for parts. I’m going to call and see if Dad wants to go along.

Another Depressing Search Term

This one appeared today, and this blog is on the first page of google results. The search was ‘Why does mommy have bi-polar?’. My mental image this time is of a 9 year old using the hunt-and-peck method of typing.

In short, there is no single answer to why people have bipolar disorder. There appears to be a genetic component, but identical twin studies (where the genetic code is identical) both twins don’t always have it, which proves that that there is much more to it than just genes.

I suspect (and my suspicion has little research to back it up) that there are actually multiple causes for bipolar disorder. There are some people that are bipolar because they are predisposed genetically to be that way with a small environmental input at a critical time that seals it. There are probably other people that have few or none of the genes for bipolar that develop it entirely because of their environment.

If I had to guess, I would say that the people most helped by medication are the ones that are genetically bipolar, wile the ones that are environmentally bipolar show no or less improvement from the meds. Correspondingly, counseling alone might help someone who is not genetically bipolar, but would have little benefit alone for someone with those genes.

Current information on bipolar disorder and its causes can be found at NIH and Psych Central.

Funeral for a Stranger

One of the things that my Cousin told me about that I forgot to mention was that Mom has been going to funerals. Not just of family and close friends, but of people that she really didn’t know. My Aunt asked her about it, and Mom told her that she wanted to be around sad people because she didn’t want to be happy.

I interpret that to mean that Mom is ‘up’ pretty much constantly now, and is seeking some way to come down. It must be hard to live when the only emotions you have remaining are terror, rage, and elation. The rage is the one that I normally get a glimpse of, but last week, Mom was terrified. After Dad had ‘fallen’ down the front steps, when he left it was storming. The message that Mom left was a blending of terror for Dad’s safety while driving back, and rage at me for not caring that he was going to kill himself.

For what it’s worth, my Grandmother got to the point where she realized that something was wrong as well. Unfortunately it came way too late for anything meaningful to be done about it. It sounds like Mom is approaching that same point.

Depressing Search Terms

Scanning the search terms that people use to find this blog is usually interesting, sometimes amusing, and occasionally like today, depressing.

The search was ‘What can a kid do when their mom is bipolar?‘. The mental picture that I got from that was of a early teen kid sitting alone trying desperately to figure out if there is any way he can make things better. While seeing those words would bring back painful memories for some, they really don’t for me. My past has already happened, and I very intentionally live in the present-future. The only use that the past has is if something can be learned from it that will improve the present or future. So looking at it that way, what have I learned that could be helpful to this kid with a bipolar mother?

Don’t allow yourself to be abused.

Abuse comes in many forms, and everyone has a different tolerance level for it. There is NO reason to permit someone to physically assault you. The verbal & emotional abuse are harder to see or prove. Your best choice there may be to inoculate yourself against it by recognizing that it isn’t good, right, or normal.

Choose a constructive rather than destructive escape.

For many it is drugs or alcohol. For me and others it was books. If I’m reading, virtually anything can happen and I don’t notice it. I recommend Sci-Fi.

Find someone you can confide in.

Preferably an adult. Someone that you can tell your experiences to who can affirm that it isn’t normal. A teacher, someone from your church, a coach, anything. A counselor at school may be able to help too. If your mom is in a support group, there are often corresponding support groups for family members.

Write it out.

Writing helps you sort your thoughts and put things in perspective. I suggest that you write your experiences. Record the date & time that things happened, and then record how you feel about them. If your mother goes through your stuff, don’t keep the record on paper. Computer files are easy to encrypt, and blogs can be made anonymous.

Don’t base your self-worth on what anyone says about you.

Even people that aren’t mentally ill will say or do things that are hurtful. And frequently the most hurtful things are the ones that are true or partially true. If there is painful truth in something that someone says, the only thing you need to do is to work on changing that aspect of it. Forgetting to pick up your clothes doesn’t make you an inconsiderate slob who can’t remember anything or do anything right.

Don’t allow yourself to become infected with it.

While most research has focused on the hereditary or biological basis for bipolar disorder, it appears that there is a significant environmental component as well. If you recognize that the behavior is wrong, and work hard at not adopting similar behavior, then you can keep yourself from being infected with it.

Don’t accept responsibility for the problem.

You aren’t the one with bipolar. Your mother will experience extreme mood swings, and they are not your fault. Nothing you have done has caused any of this. Just try not to make it worse intentionally.

You can’t force it to be better.

The choice to get treatment or not, and how well the treatment works is beyond your control. The only thing you can do is to be supportive. A lot of the behavior that you don’t like can easily be blamed on the mental illness. Even if some of the bad stuff isn’t caused by it, you can still blame it anyway. If your mother has already received a diagnosis and is getting treatment, then you need to be as kind, compassionate, and understanding as possible. This isn’t something that anyone chooses to have (at least not initially) and it is a difficult diagnosis to take. If your mom isn’t getting treatment, then there is very little that you can do to push her in that direction. Your father may be able to encourage it, but you are pretty much powerless to force any action.

Don’t give up.

And by that I mean don’t let yourself think that her bizarre behavior is normal or appropriate. If you do, then you’re likely to do the same thing. Don’t allow yourself to be goaded into responding in kind. If your mom is depressed and doesn’t have then energy to get out of bed, don’t let that drain your energy level too. Force yourself to remain normal, even if it is hard. If your mom is screaming at you, don’t scream back. Never argue with a crazy person, it is hard for people to tell the difference.

You are NOT alone.

I’ve been amazed at how many people are affected by family members with bipolar disorder. Many have had similar experiences to mine and survived with varying degrees of success. If you need help, there are places to get it. If you think I can be of any help, let me know. Comments can be left anonymously.