Mom’s Access to the Kids
A few people have expressed concern about how and when Mom should have access to the kids. Please feel free to express your concerns and opinions here. As a reminder, I DO allow anonymous comments. You can review my brief posting guidelines on the ‘about‘ page.
I truly feel that you have your children’s best interests at heart but I have a few things that may not have crossed your mind as of yet. First, I have had to deal with a bi polar son and a mother and ex husband with borderline personality disorder so I do unfortunately have experience in this area. I know that you want your mom to take her meds and that if using your children as a motivator works then you feel that is ok. I do have to point out though that it will take months to even get her moderately stable, and that it may not happen at all if ever. Having said that do you want to put your children through that? We as parents have the job of raising our children with our beliefs, but nowhere does it give us the right to not listen to our children’s wishes. We have so much power over our children’s lives, where they live, eat, play, how they are educated, who we let them have as friends, what they are allowed to see, hear or wear. We also have another job, that of teaching our children to make the right decisions, this happens by being an authoritative parent~ one who has rules and expectations for their children. But also gives their children plenty of choices within the realm of what is acceptable to us as parents. We also should not be arbitrary with our children, we need to talk to them, explain the situation fully to them and then ask what they feel and what they want. We always have the right as parents to override them. But your children are at an age where that shouldn’t be done just because you are their father. Your daughter especially is at an age where she is thinking and making her own moral judgments and if she understands the situation fully then that should be respected and permissible. i don’t think I would unintentionally alienate my children by forcing them to see my mother when my mother is very unstable and may not ever get better. Are you willing to plant a mustard seed of unhappiness within your children’s hearts for a woman who is mentally ill? Or can you possibly remember what it is like to have opinions and want your parents to respect them and let you make some choices in your life. Children learn to make good choices by having parents that explain situations to them and then allowing the child to make the choice. Look, we all want our children to make good decisions in life but without the chance to make them with us as parents holding a safety net how can they learn that? Making the right choices is something that is learned not something waiting for us to flip a switch and turn it on. I also feel that as children age they become more vulnerable to the things they are exposed to. They will always remember what your mother says to them now, if they were still young I might not have the hesitations of them seeing her. Remember that once words and images are seen and heard they can’t be erased. God didn’t install a rewind button within us although I certainly wish he had.
Ultimately, it is your decision, I just wanted to give you something to think about. I do not let my mother in my life at this time. I will always love her but my first responsibility is to the children God gave me. I will not allow her to destroy my relationship with them or their relationship with their father or each other just so she can see them. I do not feel that her undermining my authority with my children is what God wants form me. I’m told to love her and I do, but nowhere does it say to risk my children’s well being or my marriage over her.
Good Luck.
Only knowing the bits that I do, and that is from your wife, and what you have written here in your blog, my concerns are these…{knowing that I don’t know everything}
1. Your mom will say something that can not be taken back. The damage will be done, regardless of whether or not you are there, or your wife is there, or if they are alone. You can prevent her from physically harming them, but not from verbal abuse. Knowing what your daughter has already gone through when she was much younger, because of your mom…..it does not make sense to put them through that sort of thing again.
2. If it were not your mom, if it were an acquaintance, would you allow someone that unstable to be around your children? I seriously doubt it. Being related…….being allowed visitation, phone calls, etc…..is a privilege not a right.
3. By your daughter’s own admission, and your sons inadvertent admission,~~they want to hide if they see her~~ they don’t want to see your mom. That should be screaming loudly at you, that using your children as a pawn…..a carrot….a bribe for your mother to take her meds…….it is WRONG……JUST WRONG!!!
4. You as the father and head of the house have a very strong responsibility~~and I know that you take it seriously~~to your wife and children. I know that you are torn, I know that your heart is aching for what has been lost, however………your wife and children’s welfare should be your highest priority. Their mental, emotional and physical wellbeing ultimately is up to you, and it seems like you are putting your mother, and her wellbeing first. That is your dad’s job, not yours.
I have typed this with utmost concern for your entire family……please read it as intended…..with concern, love, and friendship.
Hugs and prayers…..for you all……
It has become a moot point, as Mom has gone off her meds.
Prior to that, my thinking was along the lines of ‘as long as she is getting treatment, and showing improvement’, etc.
Please continue posting comments here, as I hope Mom will eventually get the help she needs.
I to have a mother in law that is Bipolar and very much unmedicated! She made my husband hate her and choose not to have any contact with her. We do not have children yet. We are very fortunate that they live in Belize! Thank God for the distance because I would be a crazy person hding in our house with curtains closed and doors locked. I love my husband and will stand behind whatever choices he makes as long as when we have kids that will not have to be apart of his parents madness!!