Questions
This static page is set up for my visitors to ask questions about events described here, bipolar disorder or mental problems in general. Anonymous comments ARE allowed per the posting rules on my About page.
My Bipolar Mother
and her continuing quest to evade sanity
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Hi there,
My ex’s new partner is bypolar. She has said that she stopped her meds a few weeks ago, as the Dr. has told her she doesn’t need them anymore (not likely). I have children (one very young, one old enough to understand). I am wondering what can be expected if she is no longer taking meds, and how long do they generaly stay in a persons system. I want to know what to look out for, and prepare my older child. My husband doesn’t see it as a problem, and so I am concerned for my little ones. I do not have a great deal of contact with this women, but from comments from her co-workers, and my child I would say that she is in the early stages of mania. Any advice would be great.
Thank you, keep up the great work, it’s great to be able to read about other peoples stories so that we too can learn.
Please do not post my email address.
I have known several people who are bipolar, although I am obviously most familiar with my mother. It seems that this condition does not change ‘who’ the person is, as much as it changes the speed of their thoughts and distractability. Untreated, or at more severe stages, it can either cause or mimic all sorts of other psychological conditions such as paranoia, schizophrenia, and personality disorders.
Many people with bipolar have a difficult time staying on their meds. The reasons vary – some don’t think they need it any more, others complain about it making their thought process ’slow’. The end result is the same – without the meds they are likely to experience more episodes.
The bipolar label includes a lot of different things. The most mild is ‘hypo-mania’, which is a form of mania but not to the same level that full mania would be. Many especially creative people do their best work in this state – Robin Williams comes to mind.
Rather than making a blanket assumption about her suitability to be around your kids only on the basis of the ‘bipolar’ diagnosis, it would be better if you could somehow observe her with them. Not all bipolar people are scary, but if she shows any signs of being unkind or inappropriate while ‘normal’, I would expect that those aspects would be very amplified if she goes into a manic state.
Hi,
I am a 42 year old mother of 3 children. After reading some of your entries on your mother I thought I might give a little insight on what I know. I was physically and sexually abused as a child but do not remember most of it. Some of the things you say about your mom sound just like my mom and also just like me. After my youngest daughter was born in ‘97 I was diagnosed as being bipolar. I went through the med treatment even had to go in the lock down at the pysch ward a couple of times. This went on for several years and everyone thought I was doing better and then out of nowhere I hang myself in my closet on Sept. 18, 2001. A week to the day after 9-11. I don’t even remember choking. It was like I turned into a robot or something. I was hanging for about 5 mins. I should have died but I didn’t. To make a long story shorter I will get to my point a little faster. I had been misdiagonsed. Turned out I was actually ADHD and I also had SLE Lupus which caused phycosis.
Not being on the correct meds for Lupus is what caused my attempted suicide and all my irational thinking and hyper-activity is a result of adult ADHD. I can have 15 projects going at one time and not get any of them finished before the day is over. Thankfully I have a wonderful caring husband who has stayed with me through all my craziness and has vowed to grow old with me no matter what. I take 60 mg of adderall a day which has made such a difference in my life. I still have crazy days but a least I don’t go and spend $2000.00 in one day or gamble over the internet anymore. I hope this helps some. Maybe not but maybe so.
Karen,
Psychology is not a science, regardless of what they say. Mom has had both severely depressed episodes, as well as severely manic episodes. When she was at the highest of one of her manic episodes, she has thought she could fly and jumped off a porch. Some of her behavior – especially the hypochondria – could be attributed to attention seeking. Unfortunately, I think she is being failed by the medical community, as she will see a specialist (currently an allergist) and they will eventually run out of things to test, and ‘diagnose’ her with an exotic ailment in their field. I really believe that is she took her meds, and got counseling, that the VAST majority of her symptoms would go away.
I was looking up info. on my own mother, I believe her to be bipolar and my therapist has also mentioned it as a possibility. I found your post and it was like reading the history of one of my aunts. She is so much like your mom, we all remember the visits where we were loaded into the car with her screaming on the porch. She beat her ex-husbands and children.
I also have a brother-in-law that is a sociopath and he has admitted to raping people in a retirement home, some years back. can only imagine what he has done that we dont know about. I havent had to see him for years and now that we are living back in our home state he wants to be the #1 uncle/person in our kids lives. I am disgusted and terrified of him. His parents have harrassed us about not associating with him and my husband was starting to give in. With my current pregnancy and the fact that this guy is dangerous I had a bit of a break down. The constant pressure and tears and anger from the in-laws has been putting stress on me, and the fact that I have currently been receiving prank phone calls of a sexual nature was too much. My husband was shocked by my response to his intent to invite Brother to a gathering and he realized that he was putting his parents and brother before me and the kids. He has had some guilt over not realizing and that I have been pregnant and fighting the whole family and feeling very betrayed. I read your admittance to putting your mom before wife and I wanted to commend you for putting your wife first and seeing how damaging it is to a whole family when the mother is put in such an awful situation. I was fighting for sanity and control of my emotions and really needed to be supported and protected. I was trying to protect myself and the kids and felt no one really saw how important it was. I know the situation is different but it your post helped me to see more of my hubands view point. I know it is hard to go against your mom but it is the right thing to do. This could have destroyed our marriage if he continued to try to appease his mom and dad and not put us first. I wish you luck.
should i be worried about my future my mom is bipolar and does that mean that i am at risk of being bipolar?
Statistics show that you are at a higher risk. If one of your parents has it, you have a 15-30% chance of having it. If both your parents have it, that risk rises to 50-75%.
Statistics provided by http://www.bipolarhelpcenter.com/
Just because you are at risk doesn’t mean you actually have it. There appears to be a link between traumatic events and bipolar as well.
The onset age varies also, with some people having their first episode with puberty, while others may be in their 20s-30s.
There isn’t a test that can be performed, but expressing those concerns to your doctor (not shrink) may be in order. They will be able to give you some advice that may be helpful on what to look for, etc.
Please hear this liveuniverse27.blogspot.com to help with your opinions on how I can cope with this? I am having trouble coping with this liveuniverse27.blogspot.com and it’s so sad how a mother can speak to a daughter like that and never forgive and really doesn’t realize that what mother is yellng at are things that daughter did years ago that mother still thinks about and won’t let go so she rants about it and I call it mothers phone message so help me cope with advice so I can live my life better!
politicsreign:
I listened to the message that you have up, and I’m not really sure that I fully understand the situation. Your mother mentioned that you blamed her for your father’s death, and that you said because she had enabled him. The text of your comment mentions that this occurred years ago. So, with nothing more to go on than that, here goes…
If you told your mother that she caused your father’s death, you should apologize to her. Sincerely. Let her know that it was an emotional time for you as well, and could she forgive you.
If you already have, and she has just gotten into this rut of calling and yelling at you, even after you have tried to make things right, then you need to remove yourself from the situation entirely. Change your phone number, or just don’t answer it and erase the messages without listening to them.
You also need to forgive her. This isn’t optional. Judging from your message, and the conversation you were having with your answering machine, you are angry. That’s understandable, but there is nothing you can do to change the situation, and remaining angry will make you become bitter.
Bitterness is a wonderful thing, but it consumes you. It’s becomes a secret that you have, in a nice glass case that you take out occasionally and admire. Get rid of it as quickly as you can – don’t wait for your mother to change, she may not. You don’t want to end up like her do you?
Wow, thanks for a great reply above about me and my mother and the ranting messages she left at liveuniverse27.blogspot.com and I will take heed to it. By the way BiPolar runs in my family. I am not BiPolar and neither is anyone in my family like brothers and sister, but it runs in our family through my dad’s line! My cousin has it bad. My brother isn’t normal, and either is my second oldest bro. My sister has had substance abuse problems and panic attacks… as for me, I sustained 2 head injuries before the age of 4 years old so that must have had an effect on me, although I am not ADHD, I am more hyper-focused if anything else, and a bit manic, but certainly not Bipolar! But thanks for answering and listening to my mother and I ranting and angry at liveuniverse27.blogspot.com!
Dear MBPM,
I found your blog as part of my anxious (and possibly obsessive) quest to understand my fiance’s mother and his troubling relationship with her. Thank you for sharing your story, which is helping me to understand this mother-son dynamic a little bit better.
The short version is that about 4-6 years ago, my partner’s mother was supposedly diagnosed BP after what would seem, based on several people’s stories as well as her own, to be a lifetime of escalating bipolar and narcissistic/histrionic behavior. I have been living with my partner for just over three years. At the beginning of that time, I witnessed numerous lengthy and abusive/manipulative phone calls each week. After about a year of this distant deterioration and a few threats of suicide, we visited her and found her basically shut-in with piles of hoarded junk collapsing on her. Needless to say, we moved her across the country to an apartment a few blocks from our home (now also filthy and filled with junk). Though she seems much happier here, I wish we hadn’t. The manipulations and intrusions are off the charts. We’re not sure if she is truthfully following through with her local treatment providers; we’re not even sure what medications she is on, though he takes her to pick them up. She is on government assistance and is not necessarily receiving the best care. She has not worked since he was very little. Together with his more fragile older brother (who helps to support her financially but lives far away), my partner has been her main emotional support for decades. He has time (sort of) but not money to give her–and she’d take anything she could get.
Your stories about your mother resonate with what I have witnessed in this family. She can be charming and engaging for awhile, though–it’s not all shrieking and threatening. It’s usually a combination of attention-mongering and guilt-fest. She really thinks she’s a creative, amazing mother of creative, amazing sons (they are)–yet I have heard stories of neglect and emotional abuse that are told in all innocence. She acts and dresses less than half her age and seems to have no sense of her true appearance. Her eyes are generally flat and unresponsive. It seems like she does not like to be touched. She talks about herself, her (likely imagined) ailments, and her other daily minutia–and she interrupts others–endlessly. She gives us bags of junk and half-eaten food as “gifts.” Her inappropriate social behavior is usually so abominable that I have all but washed my hands of the situation. I don’t visit with her or entertain her in my home if I can help it. My easygoing family spent one holiday with her and refused to have another. My partner claims to see the situation for what it is, but consistently caves in to her demands on his time and attention, believes her to be essentially well-intentioned, and remains in denial about her future and the continued impacts on our relationship.
I suppose I am writing for any thoughts you or your wife might have on how (or whether!) I can get a handle on the situation. I’d like to be helpful and supportive to him without compromising important boundaries–for the sake of our relationship and our future children. I have attended private counseling and that has helped me see that I’m not evil for distancing myself from her and being deeply concerned about the level of dysfunction going on here. At the same time, I have to admit that I have a hard time accepting the fact that she IS his mother, and he DOES love her–any thoughts from your wife on coming to terms with that? I probably push him too much, but I also feel protective and frustrated and unwilling to tolerate her games anymore. I am terrified about being able to protect my someday children from her bizarre behaviors, and about the possibility of her moving in with us someday soon, though he swears this would never happen.
Is there hope for finding a middle ground? Will he ever see how toxic she is allowed to be? I have asked him to obtain medical power of attorney, become more involved with her treatment team, and to go to counseling as a couple to work on some mutually agreeable strategies and family boundaries–he agrees but more or less puts it off. He is essentially on-call as far as she is concerned. We have backed off of our original (now past) wedding date and have not set another, and these issues are at the heart of that. We are an older couple and the time to safely start a family is increasingly limited. We love each other too much to call it a day, but we can’t seem to find our way with this.
Please don’t publish my email, and thanks for reading this. I appreciate your time and any thoughts you may be willing to share–especailly any that might help me rebuild a little compassion!
Hello,
I am hoping that you might be able to lead me in the right direction as far as help for my mother goes. I am not sure if my mother is bipolar or not, however after reading most of the info here, I feel as though she may very well be. Let me give you a little background. She has the extreme highs and lows as all bipolar information sites discuss. In the past month everything has gone completely down hill. She has left my Dad after 16 years of marriage. She seems to never be content with her life. When I got married 8 years ago, she could not talk to me without mentioning her desire for grandchildren. My husband and I now have a 6 year old son and a 2 year old daughter, both of which she never wants to spend time with. She likes to see them for about 20 minutes and then she is done. There is no “quality” time ever spend with them. As far as my relationship with her is concerned, it is pretty much non-existent. She flies off the handle at any given minute for really no reason. For example, about 2 months ago she called me in a really good mood (high) on my way to Lowe’s and wanted me to drop the kids off to stay a while while my husband and I picked up some hardware for the house. We were in a hurry since we had a birthday party to be to that after noon, not to mention the kids were planned to stay the night with her and my father. I very delicately told her that we were in a rush and that it would be faster for us to just run our errand and drop the kids off around 5 or so. She immediately dropped into a terrible low and began to cry and hung up the phone. I tried to call her back and she did not answer. So we decided to go check on her at her house. When we arrived, she was devastated, crying and telling my Dad that I had told her they could not see the kids. He was so confused about what was going on, we had to go and talk privately so he could understand the conversation. We went ahead and let the kids stay for a few hours while we went to the store. When we returned, my Dad was there playing with the kids and my mother was gone out shopping with a friend. We took the kids to the party and then brought them back to my parents to stay the night. My mother was there how ever in a effort to try and keep the peace I did not make eye contact and attempted to leave abruptly. As I was walking to my car, she called to me and asked id I was even going to talk to her. I was so frustrated at that point I just told her “no” and continued on the the car. She then started her ranting and raving profanity and screaming. I then got into the car and locked the door in an attempted to leave. She tried to open tha door and since it was locked she tried to break out the glass, beating it with her hands and kicking the door. All of this right in front of my kids, for the that is the worst part. I had go grow up the this type of behavior my whole life and I do not want that for my kids. I do not know what to do or even where to start. My father has told me that she is seeing a therapist and that he ckecks in every couple of weeks or so to see how things are going. I really hope that someone out there will know what is wrong with her. I want to get her some help, but how do I implement that into someone that refuses to get real help?
Where is my mother:
It sounds like you have a common misunderstanding of bipolar. High doesn’t mean (necessarily) happy, and low doesn’t mean sad. The manic phase of bipolar is more like an energy level or accelerated state of consciousness. People can be manic and angry, or manic and happy, or manic and creative. Sad as normal people understand it, isn’t possible for a manic person. They would be in more of a high-energy despair. In Mom’s case (and others that I’ve heard of) it usually quickly turns to rage.
The low state is more predictable as sadness or depression. I think that’s because there are very few low-energy emotions that aren’t close to sadness of some form.
Typically a person with bipolar won’t be immediately triggered to change state by external events. The state is more physiological than emotional.
I’m not sure that there is an appropriate label for what I think your mother has. It sounds like her emotions just don’t have the normal range that most people do. Something that would cause minor disappointment to a normal person causes her to despair. Something that would normally be viewed as pleasant makes her euphoric.
Now for the hard part, which you probably won’t want to hear…
You say you don’t want your kids to grow up around that type of behavior, yet you abandoned them there while she was ranting, raving, screaming, kicking your car and trying to break out your window.
Put yourself in your kids shoes. There’s a mad woman there and you were more concerned with escaping from her than of protecting your kids.
You know what you need to do, just do it. If you don’t then think about what you are teaching your kids.
There is a lot more to the story than I informed you about. My father was there at the time. I did confront him and told him that I was not comfortable with letting them stay the night. He begged me to let them stay and told me that he would not let her act in such a manner around them. I replied by telling him that if she began to behave unnessasarily, he would call me and remove them from the situation. She is so delicate right now. I feel as though when she wants to see the kids, it would be good for her, as it makes her want to be more involved and seems to make her happy. I was not trying to escape the situation.
The reason for my abrupt departure, is that there seems to be something about me that sets my mother off. There always have been for my entire life. She is now trying to end her second marriage the the most wonderful man I have ever met. She seems to be set off by almost anyone these days. Except for my brother, he has never done wrong by her. She is in therapy now, but I fear that she will find help far to late. I have been researching bipolar disorder for a while now. The symptoms that are discussed almost fit her to a T.
She goes on shopping sprees that I am pretty sure she can’t afford. Extreme highs and lows. She got started on selling Mary Kay for some odd reason and invested $6,000 on merchandise and quit 3 months later. She always starts things and never finishes them. She keeps all kinds of liqour at he house. Though she says she never drinks. She sleeps all the time, however she gets up to go to Wal-mart at 4-5 in the morning sometimes.
An episode that I did not metion in my first posting, last Saturday. She lives about 30 miles away from the town I live. My sons last t-ball game was Saturday morning. My Dad had called me earlier in the week and asked me what time hid game started. I had invited my mother to the last 3 however she said she already had other plans. I did not bother to call my mother and invite her since she had not attended the past few games. Anyway, about 20 minutes before the end of the game she called my cell. I was did not want to answer bacause I knew it would end up in an argument. She called back a second time and I still did not answer, trying to avoid a argument. Five minutes later she showed up at the game. I saw her and motioned her to come a sit with us to finish watching the game. She motioned me over to her car, so I walked over with my daughter. She began yelling and carrying on and I asked her to not make a scene at the ball field. I told her that we could discuss this at my home after the game. Still she did not stop trying to agrue with me. I calmly told her that I was gling to finish watching my sons game and that we would talk about this later. She told me that I should not go back to the game or I would be sorry. I shut the door the the car and started back to my seat. She immediatly started honking her horn to embarras me. I then turned around and asked her to leave. And as you probably already know, she didn’t. The game was then finishing up and we could leave. So my husband and I rounded up our kids left. After I got home my father called me and told me that she was mad at him and that she told him it was his fault that she was not at the game.
I asked where she was and he said that she was headed back to her apartment. I asked where he was going and he told me he was not sure. He did not want to go home, afraid that she might be there. However, he wanted to check and see if she was there without her seeing him. He told me he was afraid she would tear up the house.
I have not spoken to my mother since that day at the ball field. However it was just a week ago. I have spoken to my Dad. I asked him how her therapy was going. He said OK. I talked to him yesterday and told him that I think we really need to seriously get her more help immediately. He said he was going to call her therapist and see if we could try to get her more help. I am afraid that she is going to get so depressed one of these days she may try to her herself. He seemed concerned also. Donlt get me wrong, my mother is a christian woman at heart. It is just her head that seems to be the problem.
On mother’s day, I wanted to do something fun for her and me. So I planned and picknic at the zoo and then we all went fishing at a park with the kids. I was not going to invite my father and then she asked to too so I did. So here we all go. Everthing went fine and she seemed to be having a great day. While we were fishing, she decided to leave to go do laundry. We all said our goodbyes and she tanked me for the great day. All seemed well. My Dad stayed and fished with us. We played at the park for a few more hours and then we all decided to go eat. Apparently she called my Dad on the way over there and he invited her, which was fine with me. She did not get there till we were done eating. She walked in angry with us bacause we did not answer our phones. Mine was in my purse and my Dad left his in the car. we sat for a while and then decided to go on home. We said goodbye again and left.
I later spoke with my dad that week and he said that he went o her apartment after we ate. They had gotten into an argument and she told him that he did not love her the way he should and that he was not in love with her anymore. He said that she was just a mess.
I wish that you and I could talk. It is hard for me to put this all down on paper. It is so complex anymore. I am starting to think that I need a therpist to keep myself from going nuts.
Where is my Mother:
The rest of the story definitely sounds like bipolar. The irregular sleep, grandiose thoughts, spending sprees, and substance abuse (possibly) are all classic symptoms of the manic phase of bipolar.
Initially, I thought that my wife and I were a catalyst for Mom’s behavior, and that she was much better behaved when the kids were there and we weren’t. We were wrong, and you probably are too. Her volume was lower when we weren’t there, but WHAT she said didn’t change.
Your kids, depending on their ages, have developed different coping skills to handle being around her. Our kids just wouldn’t remember bad things that were done while they were there. My Daughter actually said that she didn’t want to tell us about them because it would hurt our feelings. That has a serious potential to cause severe problems later, as they will burden themselves with things to make other people ‘happy’. They’re kids, and it is NEVER the kids job to make an adult happy. Left untreated, their entire lives will be focused on making others happy to their own detriment.
Believe me, we were there a few years ago.
What you will need to do to undo the damage (as much as possible) is:
1 – Explain to your kids that your mother is sick, and that is why she says things.
2 – Until she is better, you won’t be seeing her. Don’t let her trick you. Get proof that she’s getting treatment, and that it is being effective.
3 – Get a therapist, for both you and your kids. A counselor from church would be good too. Your kids have been plunged into an adult world, and need to be brought back to the point that they are kids again.
4 – Recognize that she is toxic – to you, but especially to your kids. They are developing and need to be protected from that behavior. That’s your responsibility. Anything short of that is negligent.
Thank you for your reply. I will probably look into getting some type of therapy. When you were talking about my kids turning into people that like thier lives trying to make people happy. It was like looking in the mirror. I have been like that my entire life. In the past year or two, I have come to accept that for my own sanity, childrens’ well being and my marriage, I can no longer do that. My bilogical father treats me worse than my mother, however I really have no relationship with him. My kids do not know him.
I have made a promise to myself and children that this crazyness that I seemed to be surronded with ends with myself, and that I will not allow it to be passed on to my children. I will do my best to make sure that they are given the chance to have a normal childhood.
I appreciate your steps to undo tha damage. They really do not spend much time with my mother. they are never alone with her. I do understand that there my be some questions they have about her behavior. My kids are 6 and 2. Do you think that a 6 year old would be able to understand about her being sick? He has been asking about her several times a day now. I do not know what to tell him. My 2 year old has no clue about what is going on. We also go to my Dad’s and since she is never there, it is really hard to explain to them that she is just busy. And I cannot stand to lie to my kids.
I am not sure what to tell them in a way they will understand.
My wife sent you an email. If you need someone….she is really great to talk to and would probably be able to help you. Yes, a six year old can understand that it is an illness. Our children were younger when we started telling them it was an illness.
You simply tell them that there is something in your mom’s brain that doesn’t function properly. The brain produces all sorts of chemicals that are medicine to our body. When those chemicals are off then many times people have to be put on medication to help balance those chemicals. Many times the people who have that chemical imbalance don’t want to accept that they need counseling and medicine.
Children understand a lot more than we give them credit for, I am sure you will do the right thing. My wife and I are available if you need us.
I have a question as well. My story is with my sister, rather than my mother. My mom and dad were so occupied with my autistic brother, that I think there were times I substituted my sister in the place of parent, however. She has been diagnosed as bp type one, with rapid cycling. She has always been verbally and emotionally abusive, but I’ve never been physically abused by her. She lives alone, less than a mile from me. We were doing okay in our relationship, for awhile. However, when my daughter was born, she became controlling, always finding fault, and making snide comments on how I had to be in control. I put up with this, until the day I left my 4 month old in her care, to go on a short walk. When I got back, she handed me a piece of ice wrapped in a paper towel. I held my temper, but wrote her an email later explaining that, while I appreciated her caring for my daughter, I was requesting that she ask me before making decisions like this again (she had given my child this ice in a paper towel, for teething). She went ballistic, and punished me for 5 months by not speaking to me. I later learned that, during this time, she manipulated my demented mother into changing her will. My uncle is still trying to sort this out, and I thank God for him. Since finding out that she did this (of course, she denies it – but I feel certain that she was involved – for many reasons – other lies we caught her in, etc.) Since then, she has been playing games, telling others horrible stories about me, not informing me of critical situations involving my nother, stirring up trouble, etc. Most of my extended family considers this to be something between us – like not being able to get along. It’s so frustrating, because I feel like I have tried everything, short of apologizing, as I always did in the past. With the birth of my first child, I did begin to finally set up boundaries. Any, I know I’ve rambled. Here’s my dilemma. I am having my second child, by csection tomrrow. My husband and I had told her that he would call her when it was okay to visit. Then, this past saturday, she came to my daughter’s birthday party. She brought a friend, who does not know her well, to the restaurant. They talked about me and rolled their eyes at a comment I made to my best friend’s mother. The comment could have been seen as a dig by my sister, and likely was. I stated that my bf and I got along so well, because we were different but she respects me. My sister and her friend talked about me, and got up and left – without saying goodbye. Now, we’re back to not speaking. I would prefer not to invite my sister to meet her new nephew at this time, but I feel guilty about this. There are no threats or physical abuse, just constant disrespect and emtional abuse, in the form of with holding affection and stirring up problems. Am I wrong to keep my distance now? Please do not pulish my name or email address.
Anon:
I am only beginning to mentally solidify what and how much destructive behavior I should allow myself to be in contact with. What I have figured out so far is that if it affects me internally, then it is too much. That applies for everyone, not just people with mental problems.
Since we are dealing with family, there is an additional obligation that raises the tolerance level by a bit – but does NOT eliminate it entirely.
Mom doesn’t have the power over me any more to make me feel anything but pity for her. Her dealings with my kids and Wife are a completely different story. They don’t have the same callouses that I do, and I’d like to prevent them from getting them.
You are really only responsible for your own life, not that of your sister. If you don’t want her somewhere, don’t invite her. How much of your family’s life you ALLOW her to be involved in is entirely up to you. If she causes problems with you, I’d expect that it wouldn’t be much. Recognize that she is attempting to control you to some extent, and that allowing it will only encourage more of the same. Set boundaries, and don’t violate them, or permit them to be violated. It really doesn’t mater how harsh other people think those boundaries are, they aren’t in your shoes. And it is always easier to relax a restriction than to tighten it back up.
My husband’s mother is bipolar and narcissistic. He knows this, but his brother and sister are as well. His father is an alcoholic because that is how he has dealt with all of this. My husband dealt with it by laying low his entire life, hiding in closets during the explosions….just flying under the radar. However, he stills feels absloutely compelled to be involved with all of them; to somehow be there for them; to love them; to save them; to be the stabilizing force in their lives. And although he knows the issues they have, he falls for their manipulations every time. His mother pits all the children and spouses against one another, and he will fall for it everytime, hoping that she *loves* him now. His brother and sister do the same thing, using him the hilt.
Seeing as you were on the receiving end of this treatment with your mother, and your father seems to keep asking you back into it and you have found a way to no. I am wondering how you found that strength. I feel my husband has been so traumatized by living in that environment growing up, that he almost feels *safer* being in it, that finding his way out of it. And he only feels truly loved, if he is somehow being manipulated by them and hoping they will love him each time.
I write this all because it is anonymous and I am truly desperate to help him break free of them. They use him mercilessly–whether they understand or not, who has any idea what truly goes on in their minds.
Louise:
I was less on the receiving end of it since my daughter was born. About the time that I got married, Mom’s ire was directed at my Wife. On several occasions, it got so bad that we just cut off contact with her all together, only to resume it when she was ‘better’.
There are a few reasons that I handled it the way I did. The first is that I learned early that I did not need external approval. Mom couldn’t be made happy, so I never really tried.
Also, as a Christian, I couldn’t do what I REALLY WANTED to do, which was to permanently cut contact with Mom. Because she is my mother, I have an obligation to her. It took a few meetings with my pastor to understand that my Wife & kids were my top priority, and that Mom wasn’t. It wasn’t until last year that I realized just how upside-down my obligations had gotten. I was sacrificing my Wife & Children’s happiness to temporarily appease her. ( see the entry titled ‘Epiphany’ )
It will probably take a significant event to get your husband to see what is happening. With me, it was my kids. You didn’t mention children, so I assume that there aren’t any.
One thing that may help is if you can get your husband to journal his dealings with them. You should journal also, and then compare notes. If he can see what part of the interaction he isn’t noticing, it may help him tune in to it the next time.
I am glad you had your epiphany for your wife and children. We do have a son, and he has many medical issues, which have resulted in medical trauma for him. This takes a lot of my emotional energy for him. It is very painful that my husband cannot set boundaries so that his mother, brother, and sister do not keep coming into our lives and manipulating him and saying horrible things about me and my son. i.e. My son’s problems are my fault, I have a bad diet; I have bad blood; I am on a lower intellectual plane then their family; I’m a whore, etc. My husband always excuses their behavior because they have problems, and I need to understand that because we are rational. I have done everything to show him they are damaging me and our son. He tells me that I am forcing him to choose who to love and that is wrong of me, that he should be allowed to love his family. He feels he is responsible for their well being since he is stable. They will not even admit their illness or go on medication, and they use him mercilessly.
He has admitted he will see a therapist but at the same time, he says he does not think it will do any good.
I wonder if you have this problem with your wife: If I get remotely emotional or ask anything of him, he sees his mother. He thinks I am “yelling” “manipulating him” “berating” “demeaning” “calling him stupid.” I often have to write out what I think, but even then, he feels berated. That is how his has always and does treat him. But he cannot differentiate me from her. He needs me to constantly just tell him I love him.
I guess I’m wondering if you felt this way and if you needed therapy. If it took one Epiphany or more than one. He seems to have then, but then someone calls and he feels this pull to “help.” And he just has to believe that this time, things will be different; they will love him, and we will be a family.
Louise:
One of the most difficult things about dealing with someone with bipolar is to maintain your own sanity. After a while you begin to wonder just how far off they are, and if your expectations are unreasonable.
If your husband sees a therapist, you should probably talk to them also, just so you are both working to fix the same problem. Therapy without a goal and plan to reach it is worthless.
My wife and I dated for a few years before we were married. At that point, my primary mode of dealing with Mom was to tune her out completely. I never saw any behavior resembling my mother in my Wife, and would have pointed it out if I had. Mom’s method of ‘encouraging’ people to do things is guilt, and it just doesn’t work on me.
I have never had any therapy in regards to Mom and my relationship with her. Not saying that I didn’t need it, just didn’t do it. It did come up a few times while talking with a counselor after my brother’s accident, but that was it.
How I got to where I am emotionally was a life-long process. Part of it was accomplished when I was very young. My grandmother and mother both were never satisfied with anything, so I learned to require no external validation. I also learned that since Mom wasn’t going to be happy with anything I did, to take no account of her desires for anything.
From what I understand, that is quite unusual. Most people develop self-esteem issues, codependency, etc. I’m not sure what made me different, but as I said it was very early – probably around 11-12.
When my brother was in the accident, it hit Mom and Dad really hard. Neither was able to be any support for me at all, so once again I had to rely entirely on myself. I am not angry or bitter about being ignored then, they were overwhelmed. It is just one more factor that adds up to who I am now.
Your husband probably knows deep down that he is being used again and again, but he wants each time to be different. It won’t be, but that’s what he really wants. Maybe that aspect is what you should see if he can focus on in counseling.
Half a year ago I made the very hard decision to cut ties with a very dear loved one. She was diagnosed bipolar 10 years ago & responded wonderfully to therapy & medication. Five years ago she has refused both, and gradually turned into a monster. I had to cut ties for my own mental & emotional health.
You have no idea how cathartic it has been to read your posts. You have erased all doubts that I had concerning my decision. I was feeling guilty for abandoning her & especially her beleaguered husband (who now takes the brunt of her illness by himself, & still consistently tries to convince me to ‘bury the hatchet’). Now I know I did the right thing.
As I read your experiences, I was astounded at the similarities between your mother and her.
I knew the rages, the manic stages, the paranoia, the selective amnesia, projecting of emotions/actions, nothing is *ever* her fault, everyone is perceived to be ‘taking sides,’ etc– were all due to bipolar.
But there are so many exact similarities with things that I contributed to her individual personality quirks:
-obsessive collecting
-hypochondria
-susceptible to aggressive TV sales (like QVC or infomercials)
-invading other people’s privacy–going through purses, aggressively accessing her husband’s (and other’s) mail/voice messages/emails, etc
-’putter-cleaning’ (which isn’t cleaning at all, & just makes more work for those around her)
It’s just too precisely alike to be coincidental.
Something else that surprised me was the similarities in both husbands (yours and my loved one’s). Particularly:
-How they won’t consider that their wives’ outrageous tales aren’t true until they investigate ‘both sides of the story’ (If I had a nickle every time I told him “No, I never said that—no, I was there, it happened THIS way…”)
-Blaming others for “setting her off” instead of the disease (“She wouldn’t have been so unreasonably angry if you didn’t do this/say that.”)
-Expecting the rest of the world to go along with & support their enabling, acting like you betrayed them personally if you refuse
-Their odd insistence on full disclosure to their wives–telling their bi-polar wives every detail of something their wives don’t really need to know, knowing full well that their wives will have a full rage-on over it.
There are many studies & papers on people suffering from bi-polar & refusing treatment. Have there been any studies on their enablers? These similarities are striking. Do the bi-polar personalities mold & make their own enablers, or is there a kind of person pre-disposed to be so wholehearted an enabler?
Thank you very much for sharing your experiences.
You are very brave, and a hero to your wife & children.
I read this site with deep interest. I live in North America, but come from Europe. My mom’s bp and depression destroyed my life (almost), my brother try to kill himself, father was drinking, and other brother has problem with marriage, it is all because of her (ou mom). I do love her because she is the only mother we have, but I can not help her. When I ask her that we go to the doctor together, she said I need help not her. Yet, every possible scene you guys described in your lives, we had with her. These episodes are 3 months all nice and dandy, 2 months sleep and hell. Always pocking if not one person then another in the family. She turns us all against each other. You can not even describe.
anon:
I think that the enabler, my Dad in my case, tends to follow a pattern that would be an interesting subject of research. Here’s what I think about it:
‘Investigating both sides’ – With Mom, it is quite common for her version of events to only gradually diverge from reality. The more manic she is, the farther off they are. Dad has dealt with Mom for half a century. It’s obvious that he wants to believe her, or can’t believe that she is as bad off as she really is. In addition, Mom has the ability to badger into submission anyone who doesn’t agree with her. Combine the two, and it doesn’t seem all that unreasonable a coping skill.
‘Blaming others for setting her off’ – Normal people see effects and look for causes, because all effects have causes. The emotional explosion must have had a cause, so it must be this. The flaw in that is that someone who is manic is going to go off, with or without a catalyst. Even a pleasant ‘good morning’ is often provocation enough.
‘Expecting everyone else to go along’ – Everyone sees themselves as rational, and expects others to agree with them. In a nutshell, I think that enablers have lived so close to it for so long that it has become normal for them.
‘Full disclosure’ – That’s an easy one. When Mom is manic, she can go for 23 hours a day without slowing down – for weeks on end. And her interrogation methods, while only verbal, would violate the Geneva convention for duration alone. Eventually, everyone will break. It’s easier just to give up early, and hope that it will be directed elsewhere when there’s no information left to be gained.
In short, yes. Bipolar, as well as other mentally ill or addicted people, groom their enablers. The analogy works well if you think Renfield’s relationship with Dracula.
Anonymous:
People who haven’t seen it for themselves have NO CLUE as to what we’re talking about. That’s part of the reason I have this blog. And unfortunately, living with someone like that can cause all sorts of difficulties with relationships to others. That being said, however, everyone is responsible for their own life and how they live it. Your brother can no more blame his marriage problems on your mother than I can. We each need to realize what was wrong in our past and work to overcome it, so that it no longer controls us.
I’m 21 years old with a 15 year old brother. My father is in his late fourties as is my mother.
My mother is bipolar and has been diagnosed as for about three years. But it all started when I was 13. When I was 13, we saw signs of depression. She would barricade herself in the bedroom, I’d come home to her lying on the floor in the middle of the house. We moved to a different state and it got worse. She’d lay in bed all day. Then she’d be up and about for two weeks. It was a cycle. She became very against my extended family that we’ve known all our lives. She started calling my aunt and uncle and screaming obscenities. She then tried to commit suicide. I was 17.
We then moved to another state. There were no more suicide attempts, thank God. But it didn’t necessarily become better. I started to attend college and was able to live two lives: one at my university, and one at home. I was thriving at my college, but deteriorating at home. She started driving during the wee hours of the night. We wouldn’t know where she was going. At one point she took my brother 8 hours away. He was so scared. Another time, she was driving 100+ mph down a highway in virginia. Thats how she came home, the police caught her. Another time she was parked on the side of the highway in georgia, and she was caught again by the police. That time they said she was lucky to be alive. She would also drive around in new york city. Once I looked at the car after one of her joyrides and there was a bullet hole in the back.
She also is completely against my father. She claims that he has four wives. She names all my friends names and claims they are my fathers illegitimate children. She accuses my father of cheating on her with his secretary. She also accuses the neighbors of pedophilia in regards to my brother. She then started accusing my father of pedophilia in regards to my brother.
My fathers never laid a hand on us.
She won’t take her meds because she thinks that there is absolutely nothing wrong with her. I’ve tried telling her that she has a problem and she clenches her teeth ready to raise a hand on me. In our culture, having a problem isn’t in the cards. Its something to look down upon. And i HATE that. Theres NOTHING wrong with being bipolar. And when I try to just be there for her, listening to her swear about my dad, curse him to hell, I just tell her that i’ll be there for her to talk to (even when i’m steaming mad inside).
I’ve tried being there for her, I’ve tried telling her how I feel, I’ve tried telling her she has a problem. I even told her that maybe she doesnt and maybe she should try the medicine and see what happens. She started telling me that she has cataracts because of the medicine. My dad can’t even talk to her now because every time they do… she throws something at him or calls him names.
she’ll always be like this won’t she? I’ll always hate going home, I miss her so much. I’ll never have my mother back will I? She was the most amazing mother, she was beautiful, popular, kind, level headed. And then something snapped.
is there any hope? is there anything that we can do? the doctors never help. They discharge her too early all the time. When she is in forced therapy with them, she acts so mannerful (she knows how toact in front of the doctors), they see her as behaving and let her off the hook. No one can make her take the medicine? There is no forced therapy that will make her realize that she has a problem and that it is ruining her life as well as the lives of her family.
i feel so hopeless
Recently, my thirteen year old son was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. He has gone through over 40 rounds of chemotherapy and radiation. His type of Leukemia was rarer than the typical leukemia in children. Thankfully, he has finished his treatment and has been in remission for the past 28 months. Each day is more beautiful, and it has truly made us more thankful people. But it wasn’t easy, and sometimes down right ugly. We were truly amazed by some family and friends that were so supportive, and that is all we had time to focus on.
My parents were not only toxic during out family’s battle with cancer, but they were downright cruel and continue to be today. My relationship with my mother had always been strained, so I learned to be a passive player in most of her antics. I am now at a crossroads with this relationship. I don’t understand her need to be so cruel, manipulative, and plainly lie about me. Only six months into my son’s treatment she told me she had a friend whose co-worker was a psychiatrist counseling families with life threatening cancers. The hospital was over an hour away but I was interested in any help being offered to us – so I took down the number of her friend. We left messages for each other with some delay due to the fact that her sister’s husband was dying of cancer. Hooking up was clearly hard, most people don’t understand what treatment entails, especially when trying to maintain three children, husband, jobs, home, bills etc. Most weeks meant spending every day taking your child to receive some kind of treatment from 9-5 and praying for no fevers during the night. He spent 75 nights at Yale Hospital, while friends that lived close helped me with our other two children until my husband made it home from work. My parents never helped with their grandchildren as they were too busy taking cruises. They offered once, but then rescinded their offer.
I found out about a year later that my mother said,“ that I refused the psychiatric help, that I so desperately needed.” My brother, unknowingly mentioned this in conversation, not knowing there was any significance. There really wouldn’t have been, but it was a lie. I was left to analyze why she would have made this statement, and the conclusion is- I can only surmise, that she wanted nothing to do to help, because she along with my father would have to give something of themselves, like so many of our friends did. She wanted people to believe that I was a person with mental problems, so not supporting us was really all my fault. She has lied about such silly things before, … I found out months after my family had visited her and my father in Sarasota that she claimed I stole aspirin from an unopened bottle. I knew that my personal luggage had been noticeably picked through and I was very upset. My husband didn’t want me to confront the issue because we were leaving for Disney World early the next morning. At the time I didn’t understand why she went through my things, so as my husband wished, I played a passive role in the matter. As I stated, it was several months later that my father said, you stole things from your mother. I was so upset and distraught that I begged him to tell me what I stole, and that is when I found out it was aspirin. The truth is I didn’t borrow, take, or even touch aspirin from their home. This was about eight years ago, from that point on I have never slept in their home again. We, my husband and I, never addressed the matter again, we just decided we would not visit overnight, but stay in a hotel. The kids, have visited and slept at their home. Just this past August, our three kids visited them in their LI home. My son, now 15, was in his last four months of chemotherapy treatment. I am proud to say he is a “first honors” student at Notre Dame HS in Ct, and is a kind, self-confident young man. My parents accused him of stealing four dollars after not giving them the money back when he didn’t spend it. He said he just forgot. I was not there to witness what actually happened, or if he wasn’t forthright about returning their four dollars immediately when returning to their home after spending time with a friend who lives close to my parents home. It is so silly, but they made him feel as if he had no integrity. I lived through that feeling consistently throughout my entire relationship with my parents. The sad thing is, I’ve witnessed my mother creating this type of Bull sh–, and my father backing her up. So, I asked my father what this was all about, and he naturally got defensive, extremely defensive and said he wasn’t going to take any more of my bull sh–. End of call. That was Sept. 08. My son has finished he chemo, is still dealing with some effects of his treatment, but for the most part is coming around, and we as a family are healing also. We have not spoken to my parents since that last phone call, and they as usual have not even concerned themselves with my son to see how he is doing. This past Christmas, I decided right or wrong, I was going to send the small package they sent to the three children back “Refused”. My husband and I made a very bold decision. I have never stood up for myself, and now I found myself unable to stand up for my children. During my son’s battle with cancer, my husband had to bury his brother, (who died after a very short battle of pancreatic cancer at only 38) On Our Son’s Birthday…March 20, it has almost been a year.- My parents never even sent a card. It has been 6 months, 4 months before Christmas without them even trying to call their grandchildren. Our family has faced so many challenges, and we have done our very best, I just need to try to figure out for myself how to move on and away from toxic cruel unsupportive people.
For years I would have liked to end my toxic relationship with these people that call themselves my parents, but I didn’t because I wanted my children to have a relationship with grandparents. I do have a sister, younger, and a brother, older, each one of us have a very different relationship with our parents. My mother wants us to be at odds with our siblings, and she is getting her way right now, as she has convinced my sister that I have a problem. My brother, well that’s a book in itself. He’s an alcoholic who was divorced 4 years ago and refuses to work or pay child support. My sister and I were very close during my son’s illness and treatment, she was extremely supportive often taking my daughter and youngest son in, during our long hospital stays. I know cancer has changed us, but not for the worse, we are better stronger more solid people. While my sister’s husband doesn’t agree with his wife’s, my sister’s, new stance with my mother it has just been awful to see my sister become more and more like her mother. I now need to figure out how to move one. We, our little family unit have been lucky and fortunate in this battle against cancer. We can start living again. Ask any one who has battled cancer, life seems to stand still, it robs so much. I have endured change, I know through time I will endure losing parents who always tried to sabotage my life. I just can’t stand by, and watch them treat my child, my son, a cancer survivor, have to endure their grandparents abusive ways. He’ll be sixteen soon and cares about so much more than what his grandparents, who haven’t played a role in his life, but as for my other children, my daughter is 12, very shy and quiet, and my youngest son is 7 I don’t know how to tell them that I think there life would be better without these people in it.
Just wanted to drop a quick message of thanks to the blog and all the contributions on the site. I have a mother who is bi-polar and gone through the tribulations described above. As the only child, and without father I took the brunt of the abuse and have the mental scars to prove it, but I just cant seem to walk away even though I have threatened it on many occasion. My mother, I have to say is religious in her medicine taking and on the whole is quite functioning, except from the 3 or 4 times a year when something puts her off her sleeping pattern and the manic/low episodes return. And I, as the only relative have to pick up the pieces….which after doing so for all my life, I admit am very resentful about.(for which i have no feelings of guilt about anymore) Im so glad for my wife, (who is an occupational therapist) she is an absolute rock for me when I come home from a visit to my mother and she knows that I will likely feel down as a result from it. I hope someday I might find a better coping strategy or just cut ties completely, but until then reading experiences like these and knowing im not alone with these problems gives me some solace………..
wuldiba: If your mother is actually taking her meds the way she is supposed to, you should consider yourself very lucky. Sure, there will be times that she is difficult to be around, but she recognizes the problem and is doing what she can to correct (or minimize) it. Compassion, tolerance, and understanding are what you need. There are many people who have shared their stories here that would gladly trade places with you.
Wow! I wish I would have read something like this 20 years ago. It doesn’t give me much in the way of answers, but at least it helps me to not feel like I’m the one who’s crazy. At least it helps me to feel that I’m not a horrible daughter because I can’t stand to be around my mother.
All the examples of bipolar disorder were there for so many years, and my mother wasn’t diagnosed until about 8 years ago. She even had a nervous breakdown 16 years ago, and it wasn’t diagnosed then. Well, they called what she had “atypical mood disorder with brief reactive psychosis,” and according to her the psychiatrist specifically said that she was not bipolar. The only thing I can figure is that she is not Bipolar I, so maybe that’s why he said that. She is definitely Bipolar II. The obsessive collecting, hypochondria (now she has had cancer 7 times, in the last eight years, so there is some truth to that now), putter-cleaning (OMG this is the perfect term, I had no idea that was part of the BP), sleeping all day (in the down cycle) controlling, finding faults, expecting perfection,snide comments, arguing, attention-mongering/guilt-fests, numerous lengthy and abusive/manipulative phone calls, raging, threatening me with either violence or no contact or shutting me out of her life (I probably should have taken her up on that.)
I’m an only child, and Dad just enabled her. He was so sweet and loving, and he truly loved her. I know it’s an illness, but she is SO mean, and she won’t admit that anything is her fault, nothing. Then she starts saying, “Well, you’re bipolar; you see it, don’t you. And your husband is bipolar. And your friend so-and-so is bipolar…” She won’t take her meds at all because she can think more clearly. “And you (meaning me) just don’t like it because I won’t take your sh__ when I’m high.” My Dad just died, and I never realized how much he buffered my relationship with my Mom. I left home at 18, married the first guy who asked me so that I could get away from her. I became a Christian in 1993, and I wanted to try to have a better relationship with my Mom. I thought I was doing pretty good, but I think I was just able to stay away during the really bad manic times. Now I have no choice because Dad isn’t there to take care of her, and there is no one else. It drives my husband crazy, but he doesn’t know what the answer is either. Sadly, to me it just seems like the only answer is going to be when she dies, which I know I’m going to go into some serious guilt at that point. But it’s a Catch 22: if I don’t try to stay away from her some now, I’m going to go crazy, lose my job, and possibly my husband; and if I do that, then I will deal with all that guilt when she dies because I wasn’t there enough for her.
Man, I wish there were some answers. But I don’t see any.
Does any of this ring a bell? My mother-in-law is bipolar and wrote this to us awhile back after she had been “victimized” by the way we have treated her unfairly…
we are glad that her parents meet your rules. don’t worry about us anymore, you can continue with your trips to their house. it seems that both of you have decided that is what you feel comfortable with her parent and extended family. her mom and dad are nice people and we have no bad words towards them at all . we do not plan on any trips to your house to see you or keep the children. if you don’t trust us here then what difference does your house make. please do not call or send any more degrading emails to us. we have done our best to try and be a part of your life, but we are not taking anymore abuse from you. we know son that you wrote and signed this letter, but many of the ideas are from *wife*. we know you are trying to make things better by taking the blame yourself. *wife* might not have lied, but she is still selfish and this has been going on for 2 years about the trips of her to her parents and not including us. she knows what she has done and she will have to live with our being hurt and keeping us out of the picture. we feel our feelings really don’t matter to her at, she only cares because she know you love us. nothing has been solved as far as her trips to her parents with *granddaughter* in the past 2 years and not sharing.
we don’t need to discuss it anymore. *son* please don’t have an anxiety attack over our decision to bow out. we are at peace with God about how you and *wife* feel and only you can change the hurt we feel and have felt over 2 years. there has been enough hurt between us and we can not continue any longer, so we hope that *granddaughter* and *grandson* will have a wonderful relationship with *wife’s* parents and family. we hope you never have to help *wife* write a letter to her parents like this one you did to us. we only guess if you had been the woman in the family this could have happened. we will always love you, *granddaughter* and *grandson*. we decided to write instead of calling. dad gets too upset on verbal conversations as well as me and most other people. we know you had to make a decision. we still love you whatever happens and we are always there for you. we are sorry it has to end this way, but we will live through it.
our love,
mom and dad
Hi, just wondering if anyone might have some advice for me.
I believe that my sister is either undiagnosed bi-polar or some other emotional disorder. She is divorced twice with three children, two boys from the first marriage and one girl from the second marriage. I am concerned about her children who I am very close with.
My nephews are now 15 and 16. I have been a big part of their lives because they grew up without any other stable male figure and I have always taken the approach of not speaking poorly of their parents while making myself available to them if they needed someone to talk to.
My sister’s condition has recently taken a turn for the worse (there could be many causes for this based on the things she is involved with in her life, the main suspects being a cult-like organization called The Landmark Forum and a new boyfriend who appears to be the kind of guy who hunts for un-balanced women so that he can take advantage of the situation). She has developed severe paranoia and I believe that she may even be delusional. She has alienated herself from my entire family, my parents, my two other sisters and myself so none of us really know what’s going on with her. Now, reports are filtering back from the boys that she has been telling them stories about our family that are fabrications and telling them not to talk about her to us. I know this is something that is coming from the paranoia but the result is that she is trying to disrupt any help we might be able to give to my nephews in coping with this unhealthy situation. They both love their mother very much and would not want to hurt her. As far as I can tell, she is holding them emotionally hostage.
The advice I am looking for has to do with how to handle the situation. It must be terribly confusing and heart-breaking for the boys to be dealing with this stuff.
I know that not having a loving relationship with a mother is something that a child might never get over, so I would never want to do something to damage the relationship they have with their mother, or what’s left of it (this relationship has become strained recently over issues she has with their father and what I mentioned about the position she has taken toward her own family), but, at the same time, I can see the damage her condition is causing them.
I am inclined to just continue with what I am already doing by simply making myself available to them if they need me but I also feel that I might have to reach out to them a little more because of the feelings of betrayal they will feel now if they think about coming to me for help.
Also, I could really use some insider perspective on whether it would be helpful for them to know at this age that their mother might have a disorder and it’s not just the way some people are. I worry that they will grow up with the idea that this is what love looks like.
Does anyone have any advice for me?