Chosing Sides

I talked to Dad this morning. I had hoped to talk to him alone, but Mom was there ‘talking’ in the background. Judging just by what he said, he’s gone back to buying into Mom’s hypochondria. Her current complaint is that she has allergies, especially to wheat & yeast. Dad was telling me about how she didn’t feel well, and Mom was going on in the background something like ‘Tell him what’s really wrong, I need to see the grandkids. Tell him what’s really wrong, why don’t you tell him’. Dad was going to call back to talk to the kids this evening.

The agreed upon time came, and about fifteen minutes later Mom called. I answered. She was crying ‘I need to see *my daughter*. I’m really sick and I need *my daughter*’. Which is really troubling, because that is serious role reversal. Children cry for adults when things are wrong, not the other way around. Mom hung up after sobbing for a minute. I called back immediately, but got their answering machine.

A little while later I called Dad’s cell, which he answered. He wanted to know if we were planning on coming down at all this summer (no), and why couldn’t Mom talk to the kids. I told him that the kids have heard some of the messages that Mom has left and don’t want to talk to her. He didn’t believe it, and didn’t think that kids at their age would be capable of making that kind of decision (my kids are 13, 11, and 10). I asked him if he knew what messages Mom has left (he doesn’t because Mom doesn’t do it when he is within earshot) I told him that the kids had heard parts of messages where Mom called all of them fat, and threatened to have our vehicles repossessed and our house foreclosed, and we’d have to live in a trailer until she came and rescued the kids.

A few minutes after we were done (yeah, right) Mom called back to complain – and remind me how much fun the kids had when they would visit the beach. I reminded her that on more than one occasion we had cut short our visit and left with the kids in the car crying and her standing in the street screaming at us as we drove off.

I’m going to have to write a letter and cut a CD to send them just to jog their memory…

We had a talk with the kids again. They understand pretty well. My daughter wants Mom to ‘shut up and go away’, both boys are scared/angry. Apparently the kids have been making my wife drive slowly past our street to see if Mom’s car is there, and drive around store parking lots before they go in, just to make sure…. They had some questions, like doesn’t Dad see it (no, for various reasons), will she ever get better (probably not – it seems to be getting worse with age and Mom is not likely to get treatment, not that I think it would improve much), will they take us to court (probably not – the laws here are very clear about parents rights), will they take the cars or house (no – can’t do it), what will make her stop (restraining order – which we are starting the first steps toward getting).

They aren’t really happy that Dad doesn’t want to see them just because Mom can’t. That’s gotta hurt. If relations ever improve Dad will have a bit of explaining to do to them.

I did get one more call from Mom, berating me about how lousy a son I am, and do I want to hurt Dad over this, etc. I really think that she will kill him over this – not actively do him in, but just wear him out.

~ by namegoeshere on June 29, 2007.

3 Responses to “Chosing Sides”

  1. This is so very sad. Nothing will ever make her well, but to manipulate so much. I’m sure it must be hard to deal with dear old dad, I would feel quite betrayed were I you.

  2. The whole manipulation thing has me riled. It reminds me so much of my mother. If something doesn’t go her way, she says or does things to try to make me do whatever she wants.

    It wasn’t till I set up some boundaries …….and it was painful……that she finally realized that she couldn’t control me anymore.

  3. Family dynamics are so difficult and mixed up in it all is our love for them. You are in a difficult position and to be honest you were thrust there in childhood but you do have an opportunity to get out but only you can make that choice and it won’t be easy.

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