Letter: Received

I checked last night online, and the letter and accompanying CD was delivered at noon. I’m really surprised that we didn’t hear anything until this morning – 21 hours after it was signed for.

Now that the waiting is over, back to ‘normal’ – checking to see who is calling, keeping the answering machine turned down, etc. I only got three on my cell phone – the house machine was full again. None on my work, either. My wife changed her cell number the other day, so she won’t be getting any there. Not that Mom has tried, I expect I would have heard something suggesting it was cut off because we didn’t pay the bill. Pity anyone that gets that number before Mom figures out it is no longer hers.

I’m not sure what this means, but there were two separate times that Mom ran out of words to describe how vile my wife or I were – she just kept stammering “you’re a, you’re a, you’re a”. Mom NEVER runs out of words. There were a few other amusing things there, and I’m sure many more to come. I’ll put them up when I feel like listening to them.

Other than that, the messages were the normal ‘I DEMAND to see the children’ to how worthless my wife is, and how I must be completely controlled by her. For the record, Mom has to blame my wife for anything that I do against her – truly loving and respectful children just put up with Mommy dearest’s crap forever. They also included threats to take us to court for 1) access to the children 2) money & stuff we supposedly owe them 3) reporting us to social services 4) divorcing us to remove the last name. There may be more. If so, I just filtered it to dialtone. All woven together into a malevolent tapestry of delusion and hate. (I didn’t make the last line up, a coworker with a similar mother did)

These threats really concern my wife. I have tried to put her at ease as best I can. We have taken a few proactive steps like contacting social services to let them know what is going on, in case they get an ‘anonymous’ tip. She (and a few of you) have asked about other steps, or why haven’t I done xxxx. I hope that I can adequately explain my reasons.

We will NOT be taken to court.

Mom has a fear of authority. She doesn’t know it, but she practices it. She will never put herself in the position to have someone with authority over her (judge, counselor, preacher, etc) tell her that she is wrong.

Mom would be hard pressed to find a lawyer that would take her on. The law where we live is very clear on parent’s rights. If both natural parents agree, there MUST be a finding of abuse before the government may interfere. In a nutshell, If my wife and I agree, the kids don’t see anyone we don’t want them to see. (not to mention that the one lady at social services said that allowing Mom to see them could be considered abuse) The other cases that Mom threatens are so far out that they are laughable. Suffice it to say that she is DEMANDING that we REPAY everything ever given to us as a gift. A good example is my daughter’s braces. Dad (not Mom and Dad, but Dad by himself) offered to pay part of my daughter’s orthodontist bill. I told him it wasn’t necessary. He said that he WANTED to, for my daughter. He gave me a check for about half of the first two orthodontist appointments, and told me to remind him in two months. About 6 months later, he remembered again (I did NOT remind him because I know how Mom warps this kind of thing) and gave me another check. I again told him that he didn’t need to do that, but he insisted that he WANTED to. That is the kind of thing that Mom is planning on suing us to get back, apparently we haven’t been grateful enough to deserve having gotten it in the first place. If by some miracle a suit does go to court, we would just file a countersuit for harassment (I think I can prove that to a deaf & blind juror) lost wages from work, legal fees, counseling for the kids, etc. I am not against playing NASTY, I’m just not going to be the one to start it.

We have NOT changed our phone number

Our phone service doesn’t have the capability to block numbers that are outside of our local area (welcome to the 70’s). Changing our phone would just give Mom an excuse to show up at our house. I’d much prefer that she fill our answering machine than throw some kind of hissy fit in our front yard. Since Mom is primarily verbal, ‘allowing’ her continued use of our answering machine should prevent her from showing up. If we end up getting a restraining order, I still plan on leaving the phone number the same. It gives Mom a chance to violate it without showing up at our house.

We have NOT YET gotten a restraining order on Mom

While a restraining order may be necessary, it would require a court appearance with both my wife and I and my parents. The letter that I sent serves as the prerequisite for getting a no-contact order. I really don’t want to be the one to bring this to court – even though we could easily get one. I’d rather give Mom and Dad the opportunity to get help (or leave us alone – yeah, right) without involving the courts. IF we do get served, or notified that we’ve been turned in to social services, then we’ll get one that day. Or if Mom’s messages appear to be leaning toward violent. Or if she shows up at my house at all.


~ by namegoeshere on July 7, 2007.

8 Responses to “Letter: Received”

  1. Well I was wondering about the delayed fireworks 😉 At least now I know what caused them.

    I’m glad to hear that you have planned on future steps to take if it becomes necessary. It’s always good to know what you will do down the road.

  2. Hugs to you.

    I pray that the reaction to the letter is a calm one. We can pray, right?

  3. Its nice to read that you have plans in place. I am sincerely hoping that the CD and letter will cause change.

    It seems kind of hopeless but I’m praying it isn’t.

  4. chocolatechic: I don’t think it would be accurate to describe Mom’s reaction to the letter as ‘calm’. I can easily ignore anything she says as just the rantings of a mad woman who isn’t in her right mind.

  5. All of a sudden my daughter has decided that I am a controlling figure and am controllng my wife [her mother]. She doesn’t realize that the Dr. does not want my wife to drive, nor does she pay any of the Dr’s bills, medical or hospital, but she acts like she has the answer to everything.

    Secondly, in a telephone call with my daughter today, I called to ask my daughter how she is doing and we chatted about her health [she is hypoglacemic] and is going through PMS [so she tells me], but all of a sudden she starts telling me that her Bi-polar mother needs to be able to get out on her own?

    My response? Daughter, I said, who told you the latter? My daughters says that this is her own thought? [Besides, in a venture on her own, the wife has had two terrible car accidents and she doesn’t remember either.]

    So, I informed my daughter that her idea of my being controlling is only something that she has materialized herself, and she doesn’t seem to realize that I know how to deal with my wife [her mother] much better than she does.

    At this point in time, my daughter has hung the phone up on me and thinks that only her phylosophy is correct??? I am very disappointed, and I cannot see my wife going to town with someone just to get out of the house and especially so without my knowledge. My daughter says that her mother needs to get a life of her own. Sounds like my daughter thinks that a divorce is in order? How dumb? The wife and I get out all the time in the RV and other places, and we work on things together.

    Every day, the wife tells me that she doesn’t feel well and that either her stomach hurts, or her legs ache or her feet swell. We go to the Dr. very often and these latter disorders are brought to the attention to the medical Doctor and a diagnosis is made and appropritely addressed.

    Sometimes, my wife gets into her higher level of Bi-polar depression and she only wants to argue with me and sometimes with others and sometimes I have to tell her to simply “shut up” and stop the arguing. No, you can’t be nice, or she’ll roll right over you or anyone for that fact! So disillusioned, [I’m sure], the wife calls her daughter and of course the daughter thinks that she is the answer to everything and she suddenly comes down on me and then hangs up the telephone when she finds out that I am more learnered than she especially on this subject of Bi-polar disorder.

    My wife has called the police on me dozens of times and for no reason at all, only to have herself incarcerated each and every time or taken to the hospital and kept for up to 10 to 15 days and my daughter has never taken the latter into account? No, she simply blames me!

    The wife and I have been married for over 51 years and I am very confident that our differences will eventually work out [as they always have] as soon as my wife is able to understand what it going on, that is, she is taking a multiple of medications and lately [or recently] her newly assigned MD psychiatrist has doubled up one of her medications [Lametal] and I am very concerned about such an abrupt change. As I’ve stated the new Dr.is totally new to prescribing medications for my wife. In other words, she is totally new to the case and I have kindly written the Dr. [Psychiatrist] an explanatory letter, especially regarding the abrupt change in medication. Perhaps the Psychiatrist will call me back, but in the mean-time, I have a daughter that thinks that she knows all or that all of a sudden she is a Psychiatrist and if I do not agree with her diagnostics, then she is correct to hang up on me?


  6. Bob:
    It is common for people with bipolar disorder, and their family members, to hide the problem from others – and sometimes even themselves. It sounds like that is what your daughter is doing – denying that there is a problem, and that your wife needs to be ‘managed’.
    It also sounds like you are a compassionate husband in a VERY difficult situation. I’m in awe that you have been able to keep a positive outlook on it. You seem to be able to handle your wife’s moodswings and behavior better than most, and haven’t become bitter or resentful (or just plain worn down).
    Your daughter might understand better if you explain it in terms of her meddling with a relationship that has obviously lasted. Would she tolerate you or anyone else intruding on her relationships (you didn’t mention a son-in-law) the same way she is trying to intrude on yours?
    Good luck with the new MD, and hopefully they will consult with the PDoc on treatment.

  7. should i be worried about my future my mom is bipolar and does that mean that i am at risk of being bipolar?

  8. Ashton’s question is answered on the Questions page.

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