Day 7

We changed our home phone number. If anyone is interested it is:

UNLISTED. Do you really think I’d put it on the internet?

 

It was changed the day after our anniversary. The messages that we have gotten have basically all blamed my wife for causing all the problems that Mom now is having – for turning the kids against them, being ‘trashy’, etc. She has also said some really hateful things about my son ‘ruining their couch’ because of his bedwetting (which he grew out of a few months ago), and that he’s not welcome at their house until he ‘fixes his problem’. Mom is still fixated on my daughter, and hasn’t really gotten (too) nasty about her yet – basically Mom limits stuff about her to ‘I know you still love me even though your bitch mother has turned your brothers against us’. For about the past month, they have been ‘meeting with their lawyer’ every afternoon that Mom has called. I take this to mean that it never happens, and that Mom once again is proving that she is just making threats. Mom’s emotional level has been to the extremes as well. One message will be screaming and hysterically angry, the next a ‘cold hatred’. Her ‘in between’ levels are usually at the high end. She also sometimes will have this gloating tone – especially when she thinks she has come up with some new way to try to hurt us. Recently, she has taken to telling us how their lawyer is eliminating the college fund that they set up for the kids – except for my daughter, it’s not her fault she has us as parents.

From a few of those messages – and what I already knew – I have made, or had reinforced, the following observations:

  • Mom doesn’t claim to be offended that I’m hurting her – it’s always ‘US’ or ‘Your Father’
  • Mom projects everything on my wife – I can’t be the cause of any of her problems, my wife MUST be controlling me
  • Mom also can’t attribute anything negative to my daughter – see above
  • She’s EXTREMELY materialistic. I knew this before, but never quite realized it was to this level
  • She’s getting worse – just based on the expansion of her vocabulary into profanity
  • She will say what she thinks will have an impact – and if it doesn’t, she’ll try another approach
  • Ignoring her won’t make her go away – she’s insane and fixated. 20 years from now, I’ll still be getting messages (and not answering her calls)

Our oldest son had some doubts a few days ago about the severity of the messages – after a conversation with him, it turns out that he really didn’t remember what was said, only that he didn’t like it. The next day, after making sure that he still wanted to, I played some of the messages that he had heard for him. He only got through four of the seven before he was nearly in tears and didn’t need to hear any more. I explained that he may not remember ‘what’ was said, but as long as he remembered that he didn’t like it, that should be good enough. I also told him that if it was bothering him and he ever decided that he really needed to hear those messages again, that I would play them for him – just to jog his memory.I stopped answering Mom’s calls about three weeks ago – I’m not going to answer solely to be abused, thank you. Since they got my letter, we have gotten messages at the following times:

July 6

  • 9:10am she called our house
  • 9:12am she called our house
  • 9:26am she called our house
  • 9:28am she called our house
  • 9:36am she called my cell
  • 9:43am she called our house
  • 9:45am she called our house
  • 10:43am she called my cell
  • 2:03pm she called my cell
  • 2:11pm she called our house
  • 2:14pm she called our house
  • 2:16pm she called our house
  • 2:20pm she called our house
  • 2:33pm she called our house
  • 3:32pm she called our house
  • 3:43pm she called our house
  • 3:48pm she called our house

July 7

  • 1:10am she called my cell
  • 1:10am she called our house

July 8

  • 4:31pm she called our house
  • 5:45pm she called our house
  • 5:47pm she called our house
  • 5:49pm she called our house
  • 5:50pm she called our house
  • 5:53pm she called our house
  • 5:55pm she called our house
  • 5:57pm she called our house
  • 5:58pm she called our house
  • 6:01pm she called our house
  • 6:03pm she called our house

July 9

  • 7:58am she called our house
  • 8:52am she called our house
  • 9:06am she called my cell

July 10

  • 10:42am she called our house
  • 3:40pm she called our house
  • 3:41pm she called our house
  • 3:43pm she called our house
  • 3:45pm she called our house
  • 4:50pm she called our house
  • 4:52pm she called our house
  • 5:30pm she called our house

July 12

  • 6:18am she called my cell
  • 2:44pm she called my cell
  • 2:52pm she called my cell
  • 3:00pm she called my cell
  • 3:57pm she called my cell
  • 4:17pm she called my cell
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~ by namegoeshere on July 13, 2007.

6 Responses to “Day 7”

  1. No response from your father about your letter yet? I would have thought he’d have something to say.

    I believe you are handling this as a husband and a father, in the very best possible ways. Whatever happens, don’t doubt yourself. Once you start doubting you lose strength.

    Praying for you all.

  2. Ditto Barbchan. Hugs to the kids. And I’m glad your number is changed.

    Loved the funny at the top 😉

  3. You are an awesome father and husband. I gather that from reading your blog and seeing as how you can stand up for you children and wife. I to wonder why you haven’t heard from your father.

  4. OK, it’s a bad situation, but why are you making it worse for your family (e.g. your oldest son) by rubbing their face in it? I really think you need to face the fact that you don’t know how to cope with a mentally ill person in the house and that your method is making life harder for all who are involved. You are obsessed and perhaps need to check in for a little therapy yourself.

  5. barbchan & APuritanLady: I can only guess why I haven’t heard from Dad – that it is less difficult for him to not call. Either he doesn’t want what Mom would do if she found out that he did, or he has bought into what she is telling him.

    Joel: I re-read my posting again, and found that I was not clear. I should really know better than to click publish when I’m tired and have a headache. Allow me to clarify a little. I did not play messages until my son started crying, but played them one at a time and discussed them with him after each one. He had asked why we couldn’t just turn the phone back on, or the answering machine up, so it was initiated by him. I attempted to discourage him from listening to them, but he was bothered by not being able to remember them. The kids understand that Mom has an illness, and we are treating it as such. I am insulating them from everything as much as possible in the hope that a ‘normal’ grandparent relationship could be restored if Mom ever gets the help she needs.

  6. Why is it that when we want to protect our families from what we have grown up with, we’re the bad people? My mother is bipolar. She didn’t even raise me, but I’m the one toting most of the obligations out of my 2 other half-siblings. Things got so bad at one point, I had to have the police remove her from my home. But I’m the bad person, b/c she’s mentally ill and my mother. (She does have her own home, but nothing but water now due to nonpayment. ) I love her, but she thinks I owe her something b/c she just gave birth to me. Again, she didn’t even raise me, her mother did. I have put myself into debt trying to take care of her. My DH doesn’t understand, nor do I sometimes, why I still have anything else to do with her, much less help her, when she never shows any type of gratitude and anything I do for her is returned with suicide threats b/c I don’t do enough. Believe it or not, my mother has been under a doctor’s care for almost 2 yrs for her BPD including therapy and 2 hospital stays.

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