Happy New Year?

Dad’s neighbor called again. He’s been talking to Mom quite a bit, she calls him every few days. He said that the last time they talked Mom had told him that she was taking her meds again, but that she had difficulty with the pills. He suggested cutting them in half so that she could manage. He thinks that she has turned a corner and is ready for help now. He said that Mom sounded much better, and that we really need to forgive her. That evening after his call, Mom left another message on my cell, which didn’t differ in any significant way from any of the others over the past months. I’ve known him since I was little, and he means well, but he just doesn’t understand. He also doesn’t understand just how much Mom’s been lying to him either. The meds that she had were the ‘dissolve in your mouth’ kind, and couldn’t have caused the problems that she told him about.

I also heard from my cousin, who had talked to Dad last week as well. Apparently he was much more open with her, and told her that he has finally ‘seen the light’, and that he and Mom will never live together again – unless she gets help, which she won’t. He was embarrassed at having been sucked back into her cycle again. He also told her that he’d like to see the kids but couldn’t because Mom wasn’t invited. He also told her that he was afraid of what would happen if he did see the kids and Mom found out. He has also been having nightmares about Mom coming home and him waking up with her over him in the bed. Apparently he thinks that it is a real possibility.

Dad’s neighbor may need a better picture of exactly WHY Mom is being kept from the kids. I’m not sure when or how to do it, as he is old, was just through a nasty divorce last year, and really does mean well. I’ve tried explaining, but he just doesn’t seem to grasp it. If he did, he may be less inclined to be one of Mom’s ‘spies’.

Yes, Mom has spies who keep track of Dad & the goings-on at the house. They don’t even know that they are doing it. She frequently calls the neighbor mentioned above, as well as the neighbors across the street and next door. All of them are more than happy to let her know if Dad is there, what he’s been doing, and if he had any company. Mom is manipulative, and can easily get that kind of information out of them in a casual conversation. THEN Dad hears about it – repeatedly and loudly. Another of their friends stopped by to see Dad a few weeks ago, and were driving a van. Mom talked to all three neighbors and found out that it wasn’t ours, and was able to figure out whose it was. She called Dad later and asked him how his visit with them went – so it is not surprising that Dad is somewhat paranoid about what Mom finds out.

This time last year, I would have been sure that Mom wasn’t capable of physical violence. Now I’m not so sure. She has attributed physical violence to Dad, in the same breath that she has projected her behavior onto him. And my Aunt and Uncle both witnessed her being abusive physically as well. Dad may be justified in fearing for his safety when she’s around. She has suggested that my wife might kill or maim me in my sleep – doesn’t that suggest that she would be capable of that?

So, in a nutshell, Dad is again aware of what Mom’s problem is. Hopefully he can keep from getting pulled back into her delusions again. He is definitely a battered spouse, and is just trying to keep his head above water. He feels really helpless because he has made attempts to get Mom treatment – against her will, obviously – but they have failed miserably because it can only be legally administered under very narrow circumstances. That, coupled with 50 years of dealing with her, have taught him that he really is helpless. Every time that he has tried to escape, she has always eventually sought him out and continued her abuse.

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~ by namegoeshere on January 5, 2008.

3 Responses to “Happy New Year?”

  1. Hello! I found you via Michielle’s blog and have read here a few times over the past half year or so. 🙂 My name is Robin. Just a word of encouragement about the meds. You said “He suggested cutting them in half so that she could manage.” Some of thoes meds for bipolar can cause severe stomach problems if cut in half. I just don’t want her to have tummy problems.

    Have a super weekend, Robin

  2. Mom’s meds are the ‘dissolve on the tongue’ type – her telling the neighbor that she couldn’t take them was merely an excuse. I also don’t think that she has any left either. She threw away her supply quite a while ago, and hasn’t been to a shrink in over 6 months.

  3. I’m sorry for your dad, I have no delusions about your mother and there is a good possibility that she would/will hurt him. She is just not sane.

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