Uninvited Guest

Chronologically, the story starts like this (I found this out later when I called Dad):

  • Dad left the beach and came back – some time between Wednesday and Friday.
  • Mom decided that she was going to go to a Sjogren’s symposium, and started packing
  • A friend of theirs, who happens to be a state cop, drove by and saw mom packing. He didn’t think she should be going anywhere, so he decided to drive her home to Dad – they arrived about 2am today(Saturday)
  • Mom wasn’t in a good mood, and the friend needed to get back, so Dad left around 11 this morning to take him back (he had driven Mom’s car)
  • Mom, on the way to a hair appointment, decided to drop by my house.

My wife was taking some things out to the car, and opened the door to find Mom standing there, with her hand raised, just about to knock. Mom asked if the kids had gotten the gifts that she sent, my wife said ‘yes, just a minute’ and closed the door. I was summoned, and talked to/at Mom in the front yard for probably about 10 minutes – maybe less, but it seemed like quite a long time.

She wanted to see the kids (obviously), and I told her no. She asked if they had gotten the gifts that she sent, and I told her that they had, and also the notes that she included in them. She wouldn’t leave when I asked, but did step out into the ‘public street’ so that we could ‘talk’. Eventually she was done insulting my Wife and I, and left for her hair appointment. The details of the conversation are not of any great importance. Everything was stuff that she has already said repeatedly. It did appear that she was at one of those points where she can control herself a little. She appeared to enjoy escalating the conversation to the point where I yelled, and then she’d point out in the most saccharine and calm voice ‘now look who’s yelling now’.

She either doesn’t remember, or doesn’t find anything wrong with the things that she has said or the notes that she included in the packages for the kids, because she still thinks that my wife and I have ‘poisoned them against her’. She also still thinks that Dad is in really bad shape, which also is entirely my doing.

After she left, I called Dad. He was less than half way to the beach. While I was talking to him, Mom was on the phone to their friend. He gave me the details that I listed above, and told me that Mom hadn’t been doing well that morning either. He had been trying to show her how to turn the hot water heater off, and she had blown up. At some point, she had also thrown a glass of water on him. Around then, he decided that he would take their friend back, and they left. Mom is expecting to stay in the area for a few days – I’m not sure exactly how long.

While I was on the phone with Dad, I did tell him that I would have appreciated a warning that Mom was in the area – especially by herself. He apologized, and asked if I would let him know when Mom heads back there. Mom has been causing him some other problems as well. She has refused to sign the income tax forms, as well as the paperwork for the bank that they are trying to get a loan from to cover the rest of the remodel of their house. This has him very frustrated. I did tell him that if he needed to get some kind of conservatorship or something, that I have enough recorded messages as well as a journal covering her history.

My Wife and kids loaded up and went to the friend’s that they were preparing for when Mom arrived. They will be there overnight, leaving me here to wonder if/when Mom will show back up (with better looking hair)

A few observations from today…

  • Mom isn’t any better. Occasionally better controlled, but not better.
  • She still doesn’t remember/understand what she has done and why she isn’t loved and adored.
  • She’s started doing things (passive-aggressive three year old behavior) that are impacting Dad’s life in ways HE won’t tolerate (taxes, mortgage, etc). Hopefully this will provide a push in the right direction to finally get some action from him – which will probably mean having her declared incompetent.

On a lighter note, my previous prediction about how long Dad would be able to stay turned out to be fairly accurate.

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~ by namegoeshere on February 9, 2008.

2 Responses to “Uninvited Guest”

  1. There is a psychological disorder that seems to describe my mothers personality the most. It might possibly describe yours too. It’s called DNP or Destructive Narcissistic Pattern. Below is a link to look it up. http://www.wmeades.com/id211.htm The article is a summary of the material in the following two books: Children of the Self-Absorbed (Brown, 2001) and The Destructive Narcissistic Pattern (Brown, 1998). I did not know if you were familiar with this or not. If you know anything about it, or have any further thoughts, let us know. Thanks!

  2. Since psychology is such an inexact field, many different disorders can have aspects of each other that overlap. In many cases, a disorder will bring out aspects of another disorder. Which is the primary disorder and which is comorbid is often difficult to determine. In Mom’s case, because of the manic episodes, I feel that bipolar fits as well as anything else. Yes, she does have narcissistic aspects of her personality that are amplified when she is ‘up’, but she also has indulgence-collector aspects as well. I have no doubt that I could wander through the DSM and come up with a dozen more that would ‘fit’ Mom. I don’t think that it would do any good, as they all seem to be brought on by her manic phases.

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