How I Keep From Telling Mom To Die In A Fire

How do I do it?

Quite honestly by not answering the phone. And I NEVER call her back.

On some days it’s harder than others. Occasionally I really just want to call her back and explain in ten words or less just what I think of the evil, bitter, narcissistic person that she has become and express my heartfelt desire for her immediate future. I don’t, but I really want to.
So, why don’t I?

I don’t like conflict. I never have. Probably because of how I grew up.

It wouldn’t do any good anyway. I’ve seen Mom argue, and it’s not something that you can follow. Mostly I’ve seen her argue with Dad, and she dredges up stuff from 50 years ago to throw at him. She never loses an argument, mainly because she just never stops.

The stories she tells of me are already pretty bad. And with the way she twists things, I can only imagine what it would become.

I feel sorry for her, and don’t want to hurt her (most of the time, anyway). It really must be hell living inside her head. Assuming that she believes everything that she says, then the entire world wants to turn that ‘vibrant, competent, intelligent’ person into a drooling vegetable. (If those are the only choices, then drooling vegetable sounds good.) I figure that the least harm I can cause, while also exposing myself and my family to the least harm, is to have no contact with her at all.

Then there are other days….

Days where she’ll leave a message for me, trying to find my big red buttons with a sledge hammer. When it’s about me, I can laugh it off. When she attacks my Wife or Kids, as is more common, I hope that she’ll work herself up to the point that she blows a gasket. I sometimes feel guilty for thinking that, but not always. Not even often any more. Running that hot for that long has got to be causing physical damage. Sadly, that is a comforting thought to me.

The worst are when she’s not in a high-energy state, but says the same things. Those cause me to seriously wonder how much of her hatred is caused by bipolar, and how much is just her. When she’s hot, it’s easy to blame bipolar. When she’s cold and hateful…. not so much.  Those are the days where I could tell my own mother to ‘die in a fire’ and mean it sincerely.

~ by namegoeshere on May 31, 2008.

6 Responses to “How I Keep From Telling Mom To Die In A Fire”

  1. Welcome to the world of bi polar/personality disorders anonymous. I often feel that way about my mother, and two ex husbands as well as currently a once close friend. I’m not being hateful, just have gotten to the point where I realize that they are so sick that nothing on this earth will heal them and sadly God is choosing not to for the moment. * probably because they don’t ask in their reality of knowing all*.

  2. I always struggle with the same question- how much of my mother’s actions are caused by the bipolar, and how much is just her? Even though she has spurts where she is high functioning/not so manic, I always blame her personality on her sickness. It’s how she gets away with her horrible actions-such a crutch and I’m sick of it.

  3. Ali:
    A realization that I came to a while back is that ALL of her actions are caused by her. By choosing to not get or continue with treatment, she has chosen to be the way that she is. She’s not an innocent victim, but more of a willing participant. In the letter and CD that I sent, she had no choice but to confront it. In my opinion, she chose poorly. Obviously she doesn’t see it that way. For quite a long time, a lot of people were trying to help her and all she had to do was passively allow it. Now that she has driven those people away (some farther than others), she’s going to have to actively seek help. Even then, it will take quite a bit of convincing to move us to action.

  4. Can’t tell you how much I like these posts. I finally feel like it’s not “just me”.
    22 years and I no longer have the energy or naïveté to try to explain how the world really works to this crazy person, who I am starting to realize will never run out of steam where as I, like you, have little desire to spend my time so unpreductively. I actually laughed at some of the things you expressed because I get it, in that sick, half amused, half empethetic way.

  5. I know what you mean about your mom being so hot and cold because my bipolar mom is the same. i am the youngest of three girls and I wonder if anyone else battles with their siblings as hard as we do? My Mom could intervene at any time and say something wise or truthful, and put a stop to all the insanity but she won’t. I feel so rejected at times because i feel like the only sane one in my family. My sisters and my mom all seem to get along just fine without me too and it’s very hurtful. They all tell me what they really think of each other but then when it comes down to being honest, they all just turn on me instead. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t go out of my way to bring anybody down or just go for the jugular in an argument. But there are times when they will say the most absolute heinous things to me and when I fight back they all just call me a bitch, my sisters reject me and my mom just doesn’t say anything and it tears me up inside! Both of my sisters have kids now and we are all in our thirties. My mom doesn’t make much of an effort at all with me because my husband and I don’t have a child yet. I hate to voice my rage but I go back and forth between believing in the good and just hating every single one of them. My parents divorced when I was two, and there is barely an age difference between me and my sisters but somehow because I was the last kid, I just got left in the dust. And it’t been that way ever since. It’s like I was never there and no one cares that I’m not around. My mother has these insane beliefs that she is some kind of nobel prize winning, musical genius, royalty etc etc… and I just wish she would realise that I don’t need any of that. i just need her. and to feel her love. How do any of you cope?

  6. OMG! I can’t believe that you describe my mother to a “T”. However, my mom has not been “officially” diagnosed with bipolar disorder. A few years ago she started going to a holistic medicine doctor in Houston for weight loss and menopause issues…after several tests, they discovered she has a “chemical imbalance” in her brain, so they gave her the natural forms of all the neurotransmitters that were depleted in her brain, as well as a ton of vitamins. She takes at least 30 pills at once! When my mom was still unable to lose weight and was experiencing symptoms like foggy thinking and joint pain, they did more tests and discovered she had toxic yeast in her body. So she struggled for a couple years with ridding her body of the yeast. But she still was having difficulty losing weight and was experiencing the above symptoms and more. Last year, in 2009, she was diagnosed with heavy metal toxicity and has been going through countless chelation treatments since then. I, as well as my dad who lives with her, have had a difficult time understanding what she has been going through. She blames her “illness” on so many things, like others have mentioned.
    I could keep talking about this for hours (and frankly I need to eat lunch now ;O) )…I just wanted to say that her emails to me lately seem rather manic, and I’ve been wondering if she has bipolar disoredr. I dread talking to her on the phone for fear of the criticisms and negativity. I have been seeing a counselor to learn how to deal with/react to her behavior and set boundaries with her. Does anyone else have any ideas that help? Thanks for your time.

Comments are closed.