Lots Of Nothing – And Then Something – Or Maybe Not

Since my last post, not a whole lot has happened.  Even though it’s been ten months, I’ve heard practically nothing from Mom.

At some point, she must have figured out that the only time I answer the phone is when Dad calls on his cell.  Sly person that she is, she ‘borrowed’ Dad’s cell.  She called four or five times in quick succession, and didn’t leave a message.  When I checked the call log, I called Dad back immediately.  Mom answered, then handed the phone to Dad.  He had no idea that his phone had been used.  We talked about goings-on (specifically NOT about us, but local things) and that was it.

Over the next several weeks, Mom called from Dad’s cell phone a few times – until I stopped answering it.

I got a seven word abruptly cut-off birthday message.

A few weeks after that, I got a certified, insured, return-reciept letter in the mail from Dad.  He spent 20 times the normal amount to send a half page letter that basically said ‘Time heals, don’t you think it’s been long enough”.

I procrastinated over the return letter, until about a week later I got a message from Dad on my voicemail at work.  He was at the cabin, and did not have his cell.  I tried returning his call at lunch, but got the answering machine.  I tried calling after I got home from work, but there was no answer and no answering machine.  The next day, I got a call from Dad.  I assumed he had left the cabin since the answering machine hadn’t picked up, but he had unplugged it (no reason given, but I can make an educated guess).  We talked about other stuff, and finally got around to Mom and the kids.  He didn’t remember the condition I had set for Mom seeing the kids.  I explained to him again that only once Mom was being treated for bipolar and following the instructions of the doctor, including meds, would I even consider it.  I also made very clear that it did not apply to him, and that he could visit with them whenever he liked.

That was a month ago, and I haven’t heard from them since.

One other thing that I didn’t pick up on but my wife pointed out was that Dad had taken the old farm truck to the cabin.  It’s still in good shape, but would not be the first (or second) choice of vehicle for that trip.  It sounds like Mom had either taken the keys, or had prevented him from taking another vehicle and the only one he could escape in was ‘Ol Blue’.  It really makes me curious.  Not curious enough to call and ask though.

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~ by namegoeshere on October 1, 2010.

12 Responses to “Lots Of Nothing – And Then Something – Or Maybe Not”

  1. Oh…does this sound familiar? I have added you to my blog list. My mom does the same, except she emails me from other people’s accounts because she knows that I will not answer her emails. I quit answering her calls a loooong time ago. Even though I set conditions and boundaries of when she can visit and what will transpire, she still circumvents it all and does whatever she wants to do anyway. So, I just never allow them to visit. I hate it for my dad…but he is one of those “time heals everything” types that was never home with her during the day growing up.

    Thanks for your blog!
    Andrea W.

  2. Thank you so much for your blog. I appreciate the update. I had been wondering how you were doing. Bipolar disease has a hold on our family through my stepson and his mother. Threats have been made on our family, but no apologies have been made. Please keep updating your site. I need to know that you are living with the decisions you have made.

  3. Oh gosh; I just stumbled upon your blog as I experienced the saddest, most painful day of my life because of my bipolar mother. The hatefulness I endured from her early this morning caused me to miss a day of work and agonizingly reflect on the painful lifelong journey I’ve traveled because of her disease process. My most vivid recollection as a young child was her telling me she hated me and subjecting me to public outbursts secondary to her unstable moods. Through out my life, it seems as though the kinder and more loving I am to her, the more uglier she is to me when that “other” personality emerges. I’m getting ready to take my beloved daughter to gymnastics, but I am so grateful that I can read this blog and perhaps, find some relief from your personal journey.

  4. My Mom and I have had a very intense relationship all of our years together. I am 4th out of 5 kids. I believe that one of my brothers and I are the only ones with any sanity. I think that bi-polar and the schizophrenia symptoms are much the same as reasoning with either is nearly impossible. It is an unreasonable state, now I tell my Mom we can’t talk when she is ‘under it’. She is very moody and denies any illness, even though she has been on meds including lithium for many decades, she is 75. To the daughters of the Mothers with this, keep healthy yourself and realize that your Mom doesn’t suffer as much as the ones around her do. To the Mothers with this disease, don’t expect to be taken care of by family, you need expert help, it takes hard work to deal with this, so work hard to get a grip on this. Family shouldn’t feel guilty about taking care of themselves. We as family are not an expert at any of this, she needs professional help and meds. It would be like trying to do open heart surgery on a heart patient. This is a head-attack and neither you or any one else on this forum can deal effectively with it. I have given my recommendations for her care and it is up to the rest of the kids to do what they seem fit. If it was up to me, I would have her hospitalized to check hormones, diet, meds and also her environment for molds. I have control now and peace because I see her behavior as a disease, even though she doesn’t. She cannot upset me anymore and this drives her into a fit like everything does. Know that you can control yourself, it is your choice, know that she is sick and you cannot fix her. If she doesn’t fit into your life and is making you miserable, move. It may be your only option to have a happy fulfilled life, and that is your right as a human being. It sounds cruel, but you don’t have to live in her mind and live her illness. Be the best person you can be and let go if you can slowly and let experts, docs and hospitals do what they do best. She is sick, but you are not, take care of yourself first before you help anyone else. This is the way it is, if you are healthy your life will be healthy, you will attract healthy people and healthy habits. Don’t feel guilty, if you think you are going crazy that is a good sign that you are not, crazy people don’t know they are crazy. Not that all bi-polar are nuts, but when mixed with schizophrenia or misdiagnosed as bi-polar only, it is probably a reason to take matters in your own hands and get her some professional help against her will. Denial is a deadly thing. Be strong and be hopeful, but most of all live your life, not hers.

    • I am 51 years old and have dealt with a bipolar mother my entire life. From the time I was a child till 2 months ago, I’ve been in such deep pain every time she goes into the ugly side of her disease process. I’ve tried every angle at coping; agreeing with her, arguing with her, remaining neutral, being around her alot, avoiding her, loving her, hating her. The best weapon has always been to agree with her; to ride the wave she’s on. But that becomes emotionally burdensome. Soemtimes I go thru phases where I can do it to keep the peace. Other times I want to cry out like a little child and tell her it’s not fair, it’s painful, she’s crazy, the words sting, the hatefullness kills me inside.
      In September, I thought I had reached my life maximum. Her behavior had become painful to the point I was so deeply depressed, I looked unhealthy at work. Once again, I’ve gathered the strength to “agree with her, appease her, etc. The good news is that I realize I’m not giving in to her…just to the disease process. Things are normal again; but I don’t know for how long.I just know that at her advanced age, any encounter could be the last one. And if our final encounter was one when she’s in her horrible, hateful phase, it would torment me the rest of my life. At least when I “give in”, she’s normal and loving. But it’s a price to pay.
      Don’t know if I’m making any sense but this is a tiny, tiny part of my story.

  5. I’ve also grown up with a bi-polar mother and a father who is emotionally withdrawn and all around distant. I’ve read several of your blogs and it seems your mother’s illness has taken a deeply emotional tole on your father. I think your father’s behavior, such as not calling or visiting for week and/or months at a time, sounds a lot like a mixture of depression, anger, and not wanting to stir up your mother. It’s got to be very emotional for him; it seems like the way he handles it is by avoidance – going to the beach or the cabin alone for weeks at a time. I would not take his behavior so personally as a lot of it stems from having to live with (and survive under) your mother’s illness. I totaly identify with him acting like a politician – both of my parents did that; but again, consider everything he’s having to deal with – he can’t escape your mother like you can. It seems like regardless of everything that is going on in his life, your father still continues to see you even if it’s irradic and infrequent. Don’t give up on him as he hasn’t given up on you, and, for what it’s worth, don’t give up on your mother either no matter how depressed, crazy, mean, or manic she is. I’m not saying go visit her or even call her, but have some empathy for her condition. I can sense your anger when reading your blogs, and I hope you’re sorting it out. It look me years (along with therapy) to accept that my mother was not going to change… and that she simply cannot help it. And that inspite of her illness, she does love me.

  6. Quick question – I haven’t read all of your blog, but am wondering – has your mother been diagnosed with bi-polar depression?

  7. My husbands mother is “evil” combined with bi-polar. My husband and I have agreed that his mother is not allowed to see our kids unless she meets the same requirements your family has set. It’s been over a year since she has seen our daughter (who is only 2years old by the way) and she has never seen our son. My only issue is that I feel that my husband wouldn’t have these boundries with her if I hadn’t been so insistant upon it. He’s so used to going through this irratic, abusive, manipulative behavior with her that he let’s her use this medical name for her condition as her excuse. It’s always “oh she didn’t mean to do/say that she says she’s sorry and it’s not her fault it’s because she is “bi-polar” and she can’t contol it! Well excuse me but that’s B.S.!!!!!!!!!! I think it sucks that I can’t have a mother in law, and my kids can’t have a grandmother. It’s hard on me because my husband is so forgiving that he sometimes comments about how he doen’t understand why I won’t let her see them even if just for a few min under our supervision but the fact is that that would NEVER work because she would obviously not just sit there with them and be silent. She is always lying, saying terrible things about other family members, and playing the victim in some circumstance so why would I want my kids to listen to that kind of talk??? Anyhow, your posts are so very similar to the issues I have with her. If it was my mother although I would be deeply saddened I would have cut her off the day I turned 18. It hard for me cause she has had this manipulative hold on my husband his whole life and it’s difficult for me to convince him that she has no place in our lives with her being like this.

    • While it really isn’t her fault when she says & does things, it IS her fault because she refuses to get treatment. Your husband might do well to understand that she is selfishly putting her desire to remain untreated ahead of everyone else’s need for sanity.

      If it had been your mother, you would be in the same boat that a lot of the rest of us are, trying to keep peace and maintain sanity after having been raised that way isn’t easy. You learn to build a thick skin and VERY selective hearing. But that’s OK. If your husband is excessively forgiving and tolerant toward his mother, he’ll probably be the same toward you.

  8. My mom is bipolar she lovesssss embarising us in public. And when we are home there is never a min of silence. Even though I’m 14 i never understand y she is the way she is. There is so many stories to say but most are personal. But it’s like this: I’m home with my brother. And sister and dad( he is the opposite of my mom and I love him dearly) and were are chilling door opens my mom comes in and starts yelling at us cause we r on the couch and we are “dirty” .she calls the cops all the time until finally the cops are like we r going to take u in if u call for no reason. She goes and tells all our friends and church saying that we are whores and sleep around with people and my sister( just turn 16) that she’s sleeping wit a 4O year old. All my older siblings moved out when there sixteen and move to a different states so I never see them only on summers. This doesnt happen once a month this happens every day. It’s so mess up. But I guess I’m use to it now. This is my first time letting the world know part of my life well good night God bless you guys and I’ll keep you all in my prayers.

    • I love her dearly shes off and on but war can u say she’s bipolar well good night God bless you!!!!!

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