Your Relationship With Your Mother

The ‘Art of Manliness‘ had an interesting post on adult men still being ‘mommas boys’, and how to change the relationship to an adult one.  While not directly applicable, it does have some insight into relationships with mothers that might be of interest.  I notices some similarities with what I went through in ‘Blow Up Your Relationship With Your Mother‘ , just not to the same extreme.  It’s interesting to see a different take on adjusting relationships, and as in the article, I feel MUCH more in control of every aspect of my life without Mom hanging like a dark cloud over everything.

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~ by namegoeshere on January 28, 2011.

8 Responses to “Your Relationship With Your Mother”

  1. that also works for adult daughters to!!!

  2. thank you so much for writing this. I also have a bipolar mother who does many of the same things and has the “malice” like your mother. When you said that about her giving your wife the granny panties, I know exactly where you are coming from. Its so hard since so few people understand what it is like to live with this, and seem to think you can make the realionship better by being understanding and reasonable and that somehow I should learn to get along with her. It is a relief to know I am not alone in this experience.

  3. I’M SO GLAD I CAME ACROSS YOUR WEB SITE.I’M A MOTHER OF A BI-POLAR DAUGHTER WITH FOUR BOYS AGES 18,14,9,7. I BELIEVE MY DAUGHTHER HAS BEEN THIS WAY SINCE AGE 7 NOW SHE’S 33 JUST NEVER KNEW WHAT IT WAS. THIS IS A SCARY AND DRAINING DESEASE .HER HUSBAND IS IN THE MILITARY SHE DOESNT UNDERSTAND WHY HE CAN’T BE HOME WITH HER ,SHE HAS MOVED MY GRANDCHILDREN FROM STATE TO STATE .LEAVING TRAFFIC TICKETS AND WARRANTS EVERYWHERE.IT’S SO HARD ,SHE FINALLY SHOWED HER TRUE SELF TO THE REST OF THE FAMILY NO ONE WHATS TO BE BOTHERED WITH HER BUT WORRY ABOUT THE CHILDREN.NOW THE DCFS IS INVOLVED . I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF THAT WILL HELP THEY HAVE BEEN CALLED ON HER TWICE BEFORE BUT THEY COULD NEVER CATCH THE DRUGS IN HER SYSTEM. I’M STILL TRYING HARD TO LET GO AND LET GOD BUT MY HEART GETS IN THE WAY FOR MY GRANDCHILDREN.

  4. I have a deeply disturbed bipolar mother who was undiagnosed when I was born, and thus did not receive any help from her family or doctor. My life as her child was hell; and from what I have now pieced together from my own memory combined with information from family members who played dumb at the time, is that my first three years were hell. She abused me. She frightened me to death and now today, I am forty and trying to undo her damage so I can be the mother that I dreamed of for my own children. I am so weary of undoing the emotions that became a complicated ball of yarn when I was little. I just want to feel like myself, but I don’t know who that is under the anxiety that began in my first few years as a child. I had to disassociate from her abuse in order to survive. She blamed me for her mental problems and I have been called mean and nasty my whole life. In fact last month she was explaining to my aunt that I am still mean an nasty. The worst part of it is that my family still can’t accept what she did to me, and their own guilt at not stopping her then is preventing me from having relationships with them today. I’m angry. When my memories started to be released last summer and I began to ask questions, all of these stories started spilling out of these people who should have been my protectors, and yet they preferred to turn a blind eye. I feel like I was sacrificed in order for the “family” to continue. Thus I was labelled the black sheep, the problem child, b/c that’s how she explained me to them and it was easier for them to believe her. What really hurts is that my father died not knowing the truth about her or me. Luckily my brother has now realized how crazy she is b/c my mother turned on his wife for no reason and shocked them both. I didn’t even blink and eye b/c I receive crazy cards calling me that I’m problem in her life all the time, and so to learn they had received one was almost a relief. It made my story more credible, finally. I’m struggling with undoing emotions and thus the anxiety that covered them almost my whole life. I’ve been in a state of shock that my family wasn’t what I thought it was. My world turned upside down and it’s been a year of absolute craziness

    I’ve learned that I trigger my mother’s psychosis and this connects to her guilt over her abuse of me. Once I learned her triggers with my therapist’s help it made things a bit easier, but it still hurts to think that I hurt my mother just simply by existing. It’s not my fault, but it still hurts, too.

    Sigh … anxiety is so hard to undo and if anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated.

  5. Hi Jaime,

    Unfortunately, I cannot offer you any advice but I can completely empathize with your situation. My Mother was also undiagnosed when I was born. As long as I can remember I would say that she was bipolar; she was finally diagnosed last yr after she had tried to receive some help for substance abuse issues. She still has not received any real help for her bipolar disorder; she was put on Lithium as if it was some be all end all cure. She had me when she was 16 and has chosen to hold this over my head for the rest of my life. I stole her childhood, I stole her teenage yrs. All I have ever done is punish her and make her suffer. I grew up always hearing how she never should have had me, that I was a mistake. Although she did not physically abuse me, she did emotionally/psychologically abuse me and allowed my Stepdad to physically abuse me. My childhood was far from a walk-in-the-park and sadly I have very few pleasant memories of my Mom growing up. I was also labelled the bad kid, when it was her that needed the help. One of my Uncle’s and his wife tried to adopt me when I was born, but my Mom wouldn’t let them. The story goes that because she was so young they wanted to help , but I think they knew that there was much more to it. You can never really believe what my Mom says, it’s all stories, spun to suite her interests at that particular moment. I understand what you are going through, trying to ‘fix’ yourself and address the trauma while at the same time you are scared as hell to do it. I am a very distant person now, it causes me problems even in my personal relationships. It’s not that I don’t care, quite to the contrary, I just don’t know how to show that I care and am too scared to let people in. I have received some therapy before and actually had a counselor tell me that I should consider not having my Mom in my life. That was several yrs ago and I am now almost 30, and have not spoken to my Mom for several months. She sends me harrassing emails and gets my Sisters to try to get information from me, which is ruining the relationship between my Sisters and I. She used my Sisters facebook account to send me a harrassing email last night following the same old pattern. I took her life (because apparently I asked her to be born), I make her suffer and punish her, no one will ever love me unconditionally but her. That’s the gist of the guilt trip and put-downs. I am in University so I cannot afford therapy, so I go to a counselor at school. That seems to get me no-where, I keep re-telling the same stories over and over again. I am at the point in my life when I am seriously considering having children, and I am scared to death. I don’t want to be like my Mother. I don’t want my children to have to go through want I’ve gone through, I have asked my fiance to commit me (seriously) if I start demonstrating those kind of behaviours, I couldn’t put our children though the kind of childhood that I had. And I do realize that there is a genetic component, which scares the hell out of me even more.

  6. Hi guys,
    I was wondering if you can help me identify is my mother bipolar.I had a pretty good childhood only she would occasionaly hit my sister in the face with her shoe when she didn’t know the math.It mainly all started when my sisters and I reached teen age.At first she started with the sleezy comments about my oldest sister’s appearance and soon moved on to me and my other sister.As time was passing she started with verbal abuse,(always targeting on one of us )soon we stopped taking crap from her, so it
    became our “daily routine” that she insults us
    and tries to pick the fight. The weird thing is
    that she’s not like that the whole time for instance just now she got pissed at me when wanted to help her walk the dogs and made scene, calling me a dumb bitch, saying I don’t respect her, that I wanna make her look retarded….while I just sat in silence trying not to listen, and half an hour later she’s all “kind” asking me some questions about the show that
    was on TV.She’s mostly depressed but some
    rare times she has mood swings of extreme
    happines whe she dances…Plus she often blames us for her failures and tries to accomplish her dreams trough us.

    I know it’s quite a long text but if there’s someone who has been trough this or has something to say I would be very gratefull.

    Thx

  7. i have a bipolar mother father and brother and yes it can be hard but you just do whatyou can and love them with all your heaart you can only do what is possible for you to do and it means alot to your parents and siblings even if you or them dont relize it at the time

  8. “…Mom hanging like a dark cloud over everything.” I certainly relate to that. Just now figuring out how to extricate, but this phrase is very descriptive of what the experience has been like for years.

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