I Already Have A Bipolar Mother

There are very few instances where I’ve denied or deleted comments.  Normally I just let them through without question, or occasional edits for profanity.  But this was directed at me and struck a nerve.  I’ve had this comment sitting in the moderation que for a week now, and it bugs me. I might be overly sensitive or conditioned to this kind of thing, but it bugs me none the less.

Some background from other comments she’s left:

  • It appears that this woman has bipolar, but *may* be getting treatment.
  • Two of her three children have cut off contact with her.
  • She recognized that her behavior has hurt her children.
  • She claims not to like the conflict caused between her and her daughters, and wishes to have their relationship restored.

Here’s the comment that I found troubling:

I was wondering if you would be willing to help me and in the process maybe I can help you in return? I love my children and ache when I read your blog. I would like to offer you a “mom” you can tell your feeligs to and have them validated and I would love a child I can share my empathy, love and compssion with. Maybe if we can make it work there is hope. Two out of my three children are not in communication with me at this time. I am hoping we can help each other understand the sane and the insane you began your blog with. My email is: <redacted>
May you find peace in your life.

Notice that there is no hope without my successful participation, and that I need her help (after I’ve helped her).  I’ve seen this kind of burden before.  It’s a guilt trip, and it’s toxic.

So, this woman who has chased off two of her own kids offers to make me an honorary ‘child’ she can share her ’empathy, love and compassion’ with.  Who wouldn’t find that appealing?

I think I’ve made it quite clear that I don’t need my feelings validated by anyone.  I understand well enough the ‘sane and insane’, and have no desire to get sucked into an emotional vortex with someone on the internet.

I already have a bipolar mother, I really don’t think I need another one.

Am I being harsh?

p.s. If this is you, and you wish to remain anonymous, don’t post in this thread.

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~ by namegoeshere on June 15, 2011.

42 Responses to “I Already Have A Bipolar Mother”

  1. I think I would react the same as you. Sounds like a recipe for disaster. If I were her daughters I would feel very hurt that she would bestow upon you the high honor of her “help” while they apparently bore the brunt of her manic behavior. Not to mention, I would prefer to turn to my husband (and I am sure you to your wife) rather than turn to someone of the opposite sex, from the interent, who is unstable. Sounds like a very scary relationship.

  2. Yes I have bipolar and I am in treatment and I wonder when does the statute of limitations run out? Yes I asked for your help. I can see how it bugged you. My words were clumsy. I don’t want to be your “mom” nor you my “child”. I was asking for help so I could try and understand my kids perspective. That was the “child” part. Yes I hurt my children as many parents do. I am flawed and will make mistakes. I never intentionally set out to hurt them. Not everything has to do with my mental illness.
    I was trying to offer to answer any questions or listen to what you had to say. Maybe you wanted to know how it feels to be a parent with bipolar? This was the “mom” part.
    I certainly don’t want to place any burdens on you. You always had the power to say no and to tell me how you feel or felt about my request. Yes, your post felt harsh.
    I wish you all the best and hope someday you will have some kind of resolution with this issue. I hope you have peace. I will not post again and I realize I am revealing my identity.

    • My own mother, in her illness, is also known for never saying exactly what she meant, not meaning exactly what she said. (Unless she gets the outcome she wanted, in which case she claims she spoke clearly. But she seldom gets what she sets out for, and there is a definite pattern of people ‘misunderstanding’ her by taking her words at face value, rather than somehow sensing hidden meanings.)

      For me, this became absolutely impossible to live with after a while.

      The other side of this hidden-communications thing, was this: my mother always felt (and as far as I know, still feels) that a. anyone who speaks their mind plainly, is a mean person ; and b. other people are communicating in hidden ways, of course.

      Due to point b, my mother recently told my youngest son that she feels his older brother doesn’t “really love her”, because he says ‘I love ya’ instead of ‘I love YOU’.

      It’s sad that this illness causes this kind of convoluted, nonsensical thinking. But the good news is, there are medications and therapy (both one-on-one and in groups with other recovering bipolar patients), that can really help.

      • Your comment makes so much sense to me, I’m 14, almost 15, and my 47-year old mother has bipolar. I love her so much, but dealing with her bipolar can be very frustrating. I wish I could help her, but it seems like it’s harder to talk to her, she’s just very NOT open to others ideas.

    • cleodoggie8:
      The Statute of Limitations runs out when you are cured.

      Your words weren’t clumsy, nor were they misinterpreted. You said exactly what
      you meant. You want to replace a relationship with your children with one with
      me, hoping that it might go better. Unfortunately children aren’t like xxxxxx,
      you don’t get to discard one that you’ve broken and replace it with something
      shiny and new.

      And honestly, if you are as overflowing with empathy and compassion as you
      claim, I doubt your children would have abandoned you.

      Not ‘intentionally’ hurting your children is good, the alternative is
      criminal. The problem is that I doubt you ever apologized without saying ‘but’
      afterward. Making excuses with qualifiers like that is worse than not
      apologizing at all. It means you recognize what you did was wrong, but have
      some justification for it that excuses you from any responsibility.

      As to parenting while bipolar, there are other support groups and forums for
      that. You are more likely to find camaraderie and validation there. I tried to
      understand my Mom’s feelings and motivations, but her mind works differently.
      Don’t try to get inside the head of a crazy person.

      Now, ignoring all that and assuming your motivations are pure. If you want to
      have any hope of getting a relationship with your children back, you will have
      to:

      1. Take ownership of everything you did. It wasn’t the bipolar that made you,
        etc. It was all you, all the time.
      2. Seek & follow the instructions of a shrink. Medication is no substitute for
        therapy. Both will be required.
      3. Let some time pass. Your children know that you aren’t cured overnight.
      4. Apologize. Sincerely. In writing – and let someone else read it first to
        make sure you haven’t weaseled out of responsibility.
      5. Don’t expect ‘normal’. Ever. Your children have a very long history with
        you, and have reason to be suspicious.
      6. Ask them what it would take to have a relationship with them, then do it.
      7. If they do allow a relationship, be honest. You will have good and bad days. Don’t call them on bad days, give them permission to hang up on you if you do. If you do, the next call should start with an apology.
      8. Don’t try to fill the emotional hole that your children’s relationship left. Stare into that void and use it as motivation to follow these suggestions.

      I’m sure that there are more, and others might have more suggestions as well.

      If you chose that path, and not many do, then God bless you.

      • I am sorry my post triggered and hurt you and posters on your blog. You are right I did not think it through or try to put myself in your shoes, I did not see how it would be seen and heard by you. It was neither intentional nor nonintentual, it was un thoughtful. I am truly sorry for what I caused. I feel like I poured salt in your and other’s wounds and every new person who might read it. I am truly sorry, Cleodoggie

      • AWESOME logical response. You have helped me in my dealings with a non apologetic bipolar mom.

  3. No, no, no, you’re not being harsh!
    Good heavens.
    I’m guessing you’re possibly triggered…this post triggered me, and I was just a bystander!
    This woman sounds like my mother, so taking a guess she might sound like yours also.
    This behavior is exactly something my mother would do, and in fact has done, in her illness. (With me right there, I had *not* yet cut off contact!)
    It’s a very sick line of (il)logic: my children are leaving me (or dissatisfying me), because of an illness that people say I have. But I don’t think I’ve got any problem whatsoever, therefore I will just replace whatever child I’m unhappy with; carry on exactly as I have been; and then the next time I find myself abandoned and/or dissatisfied, I’ll wonder why this keeps happening to me!
    Think I’ve also heard this called taking hostages, rather than having relationships.

    My opinion – ? Defending oneself is not being harsh. If enough people respond to this woman as you did, maybe at some point she’ll have that moment of clarity and realize she truly has a problem.

    Hope you and your family are well.

    • Can anyone please, please help me? My story is the same as that of everyone here. I have to make my mother stop harrassing me at work. She has told me that she will get me fired from my job because I didn’t speak with her for a week and a half. In her mind it was months. I can no longer have her in my life, however; she figuratively has a gun to my head. She has called the superintendent’s office of the school system where I work and several secretaries crying and crying saying I won’t speak to her, she is devastated etc. I have told everyone she has Alzheimer’s Disease in order to avoid the embarassment her behavior has caused. Everytime she calls my school department my blood pressure goes dangerously sky high. Please help me figure out how to get a no contact order against an 82 year old woman who has pushed all of her 6 children to “let her go”. Some have moved away to other states, we have all changed our phone numbers, and one died from an overdose of drugs and alcohol. Unfortunately, she has obtained my work number and I am truly afraid that the stress of the situation will cause me to have a heart attack. I, along with everyone in my family, have been diagnosed with depression and/or anxiety. I need to make her stop calling work but if I don’t call and say, “I love you” or send her cards she will call everyone in the school system to get sympathy and my attention as she knows I will call to try to make her stop but she just won’t. Please point me in a direction where I can get help.
      stacey said this on Your comment is awaiting moderation. September 1, 2014 at 12:33 pm

  4. Forestchild said it best.

  5. WHEW. Color me triggered as well.

  6. Thank you so much for writing this blog. I’m just at the stage where I’ve talked to my own doctor about my mother’s bizarre behaviour. While he naturally said he couldn’t diagnose her through just my observations, he said his best guess would be bipolar II disorder.

    I haven’t read all of your entries yet, but your blog just “screams” my mother. I also have kids who are 7 and 4, and I’m running into the same issues that you have written about.

    And my Dad… so in denial… The last time we talked I tried to communicate as gently as I could how worried I was about Mom’s mental health and how I wished she would talk to her doctor. Somehow my plea for her to get help was the worst thing a daughter could ever do to her mother, and indicated how much “I needed help.” He hung up the phone on me.

    I don’t know where this journey is going to take me with my parents who are in their early 70s. I’m in my early 40s and we don’t even live in the same province. Right now we’re not communicating, but that is preferable to the manipulation and guilt trips and anger.

    Knowing that other people have the same “crazy” experiences makes you not feel so bewildered. It also helps you to recognize them for what they are – the product of a disturbed mind. I’m getting used to the fact that I can’t improve the situation; I can only try to minimize the impact on myself and my immediate family. Thank god I have best husband in the world.

    Please keep writing! It’s definitely helpfull for me, and judging by the hits on your blog, for many others, too.

  7. TO: Namegoeshere

    You were not being harsh at all to cleodoggie. She is clueless…….clueless to the years of emotional devastation bipolar parents have created for their children. I thought it very selfish for her not even begin to think of what you may feel when you got her post. Maybe (just maybe) her intent was not selfish…..but it came across that way.

    So, for me, when I read her initial blog, it just brought up all the memories of my mom lashing out in pure hate at me one minute and then sending me a “oh let’s talk and spend time together” or “I didn’t say that” text.

    And this actually is for Cleodoggie: Sometimes it really sucks when you sit back and realize the hurt and pain you have caused. You want to do something to make it better….to not feel that pain. Well, the pain is something you need to feel. This is not meant in a mean way. It is just the consequences we must face. You reap what you sow. You need to work and focus on you and not other people. That will always create a diversion off of you. Get medication. Go to therapy. Get your relationship right with God. I hope things work out for you. God bless

  8. I have a mentally ill mother and i has been progressing for 15 years. When my dad was still working, the family thought I was a bad kid until I went to college and my dad retired. My mom is like Jeckle and Hyde and she can be an actress when she wants to be. I also uninvited my mom from my wedding last year because she had an arugment with my dad about something dumb, so to prove she is right she called 911 and told them my dad was trying to kill her. My dad called me and i was able to speak with the police and that is when my dad moved out for a few weeks. To get him back she called home depot and ordered 15K worth of new windows and he had to manage the construction crews that she hired. Today, when my dad goes to the grocery store she calls me and asks what I did with her husband. She basically accuses me of having an affair with my dad. She calls me at my home or my cell while I am at work and then when i see her she has many expense gifts for me of things she thinks that I “need”, which she ordered from HSN or QVC. I am so fed up with the whole thing that I am getting ready to call a crisis center and have the mobile team come and take away my mom for treatment. She is 65, angry, bipolar, she cannot follow a conversation and has become a hoarder. Please pray for her wellbeing. This tears me up inside. Love, her loving daughter who wants her mom back. – N

    • Anon, your comment floored me! Here’s the line that did it – “Today, when my dad goes to the grocery store she calls me and asks what I did with her husband. She basically accuses me of having an affair with my dad.”

      My bipolar mother has done this exact thing to me and, until this moment, I thought no one else in the world had ever experienced that. Thank you for sharing your experience. I feel a little less alone (and crazy) today.

  9. Wow. All of them are cookie cutters of each other. Give her the heave-ho, and don’t turn back.

  10. It’s just so typical of a bipolar parent to meander her way to this website, only to then play the victim and it make it about herself…I know that sounds harsh, too, but in the grand scheme of help resources out there, this is one of the very few for children of bipolar parents, compared to the many more resources for the mentally ill. We are the silent victims that often get hidden behind the veil of a bipolar parent’s egocentricity and manipulation. We need this site more than the bipolar moms do. Sorry.

    • You just used the PERFECT words to describe that mom, my mom, and all of them

    • YEP exactly. victimising themselves. all the time. my mum does it to her sisters while treating us like crap, and after my dad died. so not only do we have to deal with losing my lovely father, but also have the family thinking we are ‘bad children’ for not supporting her and her new parter right after my dad died.

      *edited for profanity

  11. My mom has bipolar
    She left me and my sisters when I was 12. She said she left cause we were bad kids. She is dying with cancer and is still starting trouble. I can no longer take her in my life. She loves to see that I feel bad for her. Considering she lied for years when I was a kid saying she was dying with a illness she made up I feel numb. She is dying and still trying to use me for money and emotional blackmail

  12. I’m 26 and my mom has biboler and everything else. My older sister has bipoler too. My mom is dying and my sister is her money bags so she has backstabbed every one else

    I cut them out of my life

  13. my mother has bipolar disorder also and my dad has too big a heart to leave her ( again) my sister quit talking to her when she was 16 and I was 10 and left to watch the littler 3 siblings because my dad would work overtime and my mom was always shopping or…. who knows and then at night they would stay out for hours when my parents split I was 11 and now I had the responsibility to watch out for mother who was starting to let some teenage habits(coke, ecstasy, alcohol, I guess whatever was available) come back and I would stay up allnight and then miss school either because I fellasleep without settin the alarm because I easygoing to make sure she made it home Safe or because she just still wasn’t home and I was getting wworried the longest she ever stayed gone without answering her phone was 5 days but to an 11 yr old that has to watch out for 3 younger siblings and doesn’t know where there mom is it can be terrifying then my parents got back together when i was 14and it was like a major switch she didnt want my dad knowing how much I took care of her or the reason I never went to his house when they were separated ( my mom had told me how much he hated me and how he really wanted me to be a boy and that’s why he liked my brothers so much more and I found out later was a total lie) then I stuck up fir my mom against the extended family against my friends and my boyfriends and my siblings and even my dad but she was always the first to throw me under the bus telling me I was fat until I developed anorexia then she said I was so skinny I looked nasty nothing could ever please the woman I was grounded for things I thought she would like( I scrubbed my carpet floor on one occasion but didn’t instantly bring the cleaner back down so she said I was huffin it and I difnt even know what that meant) she found out I was a cutter and threw my stash of razor blades at me one by one and told everyone what I had been doing she kicked me out when I was 18 because I was going to see my sister and my nephew who she never got to meet and I haven’t talked to her since there’s things I miss about having a family but I don’t miss her I loved her until I just couldn’t anymore there’s just so much a child can take until they realize hey I’m an adult and I will say when enough is enough just because your someones mom doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want to them and they will still love you in the end because this bitch has had 5 kids and I know shell be dying alone in the end

  14. I just came across your blog. I am the child of a bipolar mother too. The letter you received sounds like it could have been written by her (other than that mine has four daughters, not three) and other commenters have summed up many of my feelings precisely. Thank you for sharing your story with others – I plan to read more.

  15. Really everyone, those who know what the rules are or should be (and are thus able to make concise judgements), AND those who identify themselves as victims regardless of who is bipolar and who is the non bp family member. There are a few simple time (and science proven things to consider, whether you are talking bp I or bp II
    There is no cure, only treatment, and most can be treated successfully.
    A really not nice or destructive person can be bp
    A otherwise really nice person and constructive person who is bp can do not nice tor destructive things when the are not being treated successfully.
    Successful treatment keeps the bp mostly, but not completely at bay.
    Patience Compliance difficulties can be monitored by family members, and when there is no compliance, don’t get into a he said, she said, do what you can to redirect them to compliance again.
    Love them if you love them anyway, and show your support, and take care of yourself
    If you don’t love them anyway, try to do no harm, and take good care of yourself.

    • I agree with all of your comments, but I think the complicating issue for people participating in this blog is that we are talking about our mothers. That’s a relationship that we want out of instinct, but also because of social expectations. It’s not a bond that you can throw away easily. People who suffer from bi-polar disorder tend to do things that hurt the people who care about them the most. At some point we have to decide if there is hope for that person to behave in a caring, loving manner, or whether there is no longer any hope. If there is no hope, it is a huge decision to determine whether to continue the relationship. Everyone on this blog is working through that question and the hurt that surrounds the decision, making our thoughts and feelings not so simple.

  16. My bipolar mom passed away from breast cancer. I was so angry with her her last days cause she was a trouble maker, a user, a gossiped and started stuff with my own young step kids. When I saw her laying their helpless in the hospital for once I understood. It’s not her fault and now she is in heaven, a place that took away her earthly issues. I miss her now that she’s gone but feel a sense of peace knowing she’s fixed now. I know she didn’t mean to use or hurt me. I know she regrets abandoning me when I was 12. Anyhow I hope you all the best of luck with your mothers or whoever and just know it is a disease.

  17. i battle bp1 and its certainly no cakewalk. fortunately my family and i can actually chuckle lightly when looking back at my enraged mlddle of the night calls not so unlike your mothers. bottom line is i had to succumb to my disorder and a handful of meds, and my family had to forgive and educate themselves just enough to understand “the nature of the beast”…….im not saying its been easy. b.p is a b$#ch but surely you have thought about your children someday possibly showing bp traits? life is short and unprdictable. keep an open mind. im routing for you!

  18. Yeah that’s a typical bipolar response. So f*d up. Instead of her actually contacting her kids and being nice to them, she’s employing you to be hr ‘new nice kid fill-in’. Ha! Wouldn’t last long anyway before you hated her too.

    That message reminded me of when I bought my boyfriend home, my (bipolar- MENTAL) mum decided she LOVED him and he was AMAZING, was complementing him a LOT then showered him with gifts like cologne etc. My boyfriend, confused, said, ‘Why don;t you give it to your son?’ (i.e. my brother). Exactly.

    To strangers, she’ll either go on about how wonderful her kids are etc but talk to us like crap, or tell others we are crap and be nice to us/be crappy again. So weird. I’ve had enough of my bipolar mother and I need to move out. There’s only so much I can sympathise with her.

    The worst part for me is when extended family genuinely believe we are evil to her and are rude to us, because they are not aware of her illness. It’s not nice to think people hate you when your bipolar mother already does.

    *edited for profanity

  19. Also the use of over-emotional language about how much she loves her daughters but how she can’t turn to them bugged me too. Reminds me of my own ridiculous mother and how she goes on about how she loves us and victimises herself when she isolates us with her freak moods.

  20. I am a bipolar ii. I have a unbelieveably incredibly son that is 4 years old. My poor husband has given and tried everything to make our marriage work, but there is only so much one can take. We have been noticing that my son is becoming more suseptible to my moods. Then, it seems as though he feels the need to take care of me. I have ignored, pretended everything was ok, manipulated, lied, and cheated when I was manic. It has now come to the point that my husband thinks that we should separate and that I will be able to see my son when I am in a good mood. I have thought of every of every outcome that woud benefit me. I told my husband last night that I would agree that he needs to move with his life and take wonderful care of son, which he has since he was born. I wish that I had read about this disorder sooner. It more than rips my heart out that I won’t have them in my life, but it the right thing to do. Thank you for the post.

  21. The crazy speech is always welcome to me. It is a sort of aversion therapy, exposing survivors to manageable levels of anonymous classic crazy, which often trigger us, building up our resistance, and it is also like a crazy vaccine–a little of the bad agent builds immunity to the crazy in your own life–every bit ups my odds of not getting sucked in during the next cyclone.

    As far as the content of the crazy speech, just your (practically) universal narcissistic personality disorder in full flower. Sure, they prefer that their narcissistic supply be of a family vintage, but if that is unavailable or fractious, they’ll unapologetically take whatever supply they can get. They are nothing if not practical. They are programmed to feed off others’ attention (they wither without an audience) and emotional distress–so by turns, they complain about absurd, petty overblown injustices they suffered for sympathy, our out of a sense of self-righteousness, and they create “surprise!” emotionally explosive situations for the control and attention it affords them.

    Their self-centeredness is pathetic–many are help-resisting complainers who are not interested in solving the problems they complain about. Their “achievement” of family crisis usually has some “for your own good” component, as well as some significant reference point that is ancient history and irrelevant. The ancient history references are revealing, though. The remind us that the crazy view us as frozen in a particular time period–my mentals never see me beyond about a 17 year old level. I’m almost 50, top level in my profession–I get paid for my analysis and opinions. To my mentals, any view I have that conflicts with theirs is not worth consideration, even if it is a personal decision about my own family.

    Even losing their own children doesn’t change the primal need for narcissistic supply. Chilling how well they fit in many cultures, how many misguided defenders they have, how well they can feign sanity when they have to. But sometimes, like in the above post, they go a little too aberrant and they tip their hand. Emotional arsonists. Soul suckers. Righteous tyrants. Irrational anchors retarding our very lives, indifferent to the damage in their wake. Shameless about seeking victims until the day they die. And the sooner the better so we can start our truly free life and clear away the space in our hearts devoted to the useless desire that somehow, someway, someday, it will get better, when we know it will not.

    • I just finally had a chance to read this whole post. That’s my world completely. Beautifully written! Thanks for sharing.

  22. My mom was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was a kid around 10. Symptons were always there, but our family did not know how to cope. It was only after a few psychotic episodes and suicide attempts did she go see a psychiatrist and get diagnosed.
    My family is pretty wealthy, we have a million dollar house and my Father makes six-figures at a Pharmaceutical company. A lot of his income goes into treatment and medical bills when they arise, so we are fortunate. However, this frugalness and crazy spending by my Mom has left me bitter.
    I graduated college, but find myself unemployed, often wondering if my childhood trauma has anything to do with my ability to find a stable job.
    Living with a bipolar parent often leaves you wondering why certain things happen like why is Mom acting this way. When your other parent tells you they don’t know why, it is often not enough frankly. There have been times when my Mom would scream and yell, without any arguments.
    Being a child is extremely difficult on your own, but forced to live in a house you wish to get out forever. Eventually, this led me to disconnect from all friends and family for a while, and then try to get my life back together. It also leaves you wanting to have a normal family and have real relationships with your parents. That is not possible, for I have had to weave in and out to play my parents and get what I want. This is just a front to keep my parents happy, but deep down I would jump at the opportunity to support myself, however my income is not enough.
    Flip to the past in college, my Mom would call me to see if I was behaving properly. This isn’t bad besides the fact we never had a good relationship because we had nothing to talk about. I soon had to talk to my Father about these strange calls, and to assure her I can take care of myself. I only feel that if I could open up to her without judgement we would have a great relationship.
    I tried to open up to her after graduating because even after all the trauma, I felt as if the only thing missing in life a strong mother. I was in for a surprise as this seemed to rip apart the seams to which my Father tried to keep our family functioning. In the end, his best advice was to ignore her all together. I took that advice, and now I’m here. Sometimes I cry over the silly abuse my family puts me through, I am sensitive to small things, but try to see the best in life. I know that if I stay true to myself and strong, I will come out as a better person in the end. I do have the dream that one day I can start my own family devoid of my childhood traumas and raise kids that have a happy home.
    My only fear is that the craziness and anger my parents bring with them, and I hope to be able to include them in some way in my life. I have trouble with close relationships and stay away from intimacy because of fears that my family will take them away from me. My friends constantly tell me that they are or feel sorry for the way my parents treat me. This has been happening all my life, and that’s why I isolate myself from my friends at times. The only strong figure in my life is my Father, and I love him. He has been a major support system for me, and at times sources of great stress.

  23. This has been so incredibly helpful to me understanding why I had a confusing and painful childhood; bipolar mother. Still very difficult to be part of her life. I have young children that I want them to have a ‘grandmother’, but geeze..I can’t continue to explain her bizarre behaviors to my kids all the time! It Is Exhausting….

  24. This is a very enlightening site and I am so glad to have found it. My mom was bipolar although she would never admit it. she said she was depressed. She wouldn’t get treatment and then when she did get treatment wouldn’t stay on the meds etc… She was mean and hateful and narcissistic and manipulative. While growing up she would make fun of me and tell my friends I was a “self centered bitch”. Most people thought she was so nice and caring and she would lead them to believe I was a mean ungrateful daughter. I am an only child and my parents split up when I was 18. It was so weird always knowing there was something not right about my mom. I knew I was more of the mother than she was. I was very responsible and went to college and graduated and got a good job and helped her with money etc. But it was never enough so I quit giving her money. She did so many crazy things! If she found out I didn’t like someone, for any reason, she would become friends with them and try to create situations where I was forced to be around that person. I wouldn’t let it happen. As soon as I realized what was happening I would leave. When I was 18 and a freshman in college my dad and her split up and she started calling me at my dorm (3 hours away) to tell me “I love you and I just wanted to tell you that you mean the world to me and I am going to kill myself now”. I went straight to counseling as it was free for students. I was advised to tell her that she was wrong to act that way and I wouldn’t listen to it and hang up. Nothing I accomplished was good enough and she was always so worried about what everyone would think except me. I learned to deal with her craziness. It was difficult. I have stayed in counseling since I was 18 and I learned a lot of skills to “get through” holidays etc. I even quit speaking to her for over a year after one of her suicide attempts. I just was tired of the craziness! 18 years after that first phone call she finally succeeded and ended her own life. She took a lot of pills and then shot herself and arranged it so that I would find her. It was a horrible experience. Most people didn’t know or didn’t want to know how crazy she really was. It was odd to me that others were so surprised by her suicide. I was somewhat relieved. Of course, I felt guilty for feeling relieved! Ugh! I do hope she found peace in death. One thing I have discovered since she died is that other people that are bipolar seek me out and want to be my friend. My mom had what I call “crazy eyes”. It was as if I could see the crazy in her eyes. Now I can spot “crazy eyes” in others and I stay as far away as possible! I never had children as I felt like I had a child to take care of and I had a demanding career and yes, I married a self centered, narcissistic man that I didn’t even want to have children with anyway (problem solved)! I divorced him right before she died. I do thank God that my grandparents were so wonderful (my dad’s parents). They and my dad were my rock. However, I don’t think they even knew how crazy she really was. While I was in college she began an “affair” with a boy that grew up right down the street from us! He was a few years older than me and a drug addict and alcoholic. I never told my dad and I don’t think he knew about it as they were already divorced by then but how sick is that?!?! I was embarrassed by that along with some other really crazy things she did and never told anyone except my counselor and a few of my friends and my husband. In this way I feel that I “covered” for her when I should not have. But, she would have somehow turned it around and made it my fault so I just learned to pick may battles. Having a crazy mom did make me a strong person. I have persevered through some rough times. The good news is I have found some peace in her death. I have also found the love of my life. We actually grew up together and have known each other since we were 12 years old. We have always been friends and had always stayed in touch. We both ended up divorced and neither of us had children. As it turns out his dad is bipolar and he was always the “responsible” one in his crazy family. Because we both had a parent that was bipolar we understand each other’s “quirks”. After my mother died he was the one that went to her house and hauled away the bed and cut out the carpet so I wouldn’t have to see it again. It must suck to be bipolar. But it really sucks to be the only child of a bipolar mom that won’t even admit she is bipolar and sets up her suicide so I find her. She was a crappy mom. If I had children I would not have allowed her to be alone with them, ever. After all, she professed to love me more than anything or anyone on earth and yet treated me terribly!

  25. Run away! Run away!
    You are not being harsh- this is simply another attention-ravenous “Bipolarbeast” who, after wearing out her own kids, is looking to lure in someone else to feed her endless appetite for attention.

  26. Btw- my mother is bipolar, a low-cycling, narcissistic, manipulative, sly piece of malice who has only recently revealed herself to the rest of the dolt after a stroke made her less able to hide her true nature to everyone else (she portrayed ME- her least favorite but oddly most faithful child as the source of her financial woes and problems for years while verbally abusing me in secret.) Now the rest of the world is slowly discovering what I’ve know for over 20 years, and it’s both vindicating and sad.
    My partner’s sister is bipolar too- happily she seeks treatment, but she has rules his family with her tantrums and tears since she was 12. She is also exasperatingly self-righteous, grandiose and financially irresponsible, and considers herself, yes, more exquisitely insightful, brilliant, and gifted than the rest of the world, in her words, “A gift to the WORLD!”. Bipolar is her identity, soapbox, specialty and advocacy. She and other Bipolars are misused, misunderstood and unfairly prejudiced against. Her hubris is to the point where, when she was in charge of a summer camp troop of two year olds for her work, and she “was having a rough time” during which she was SHOWING UP 45 MINUTES LATE EVERYDAY, she was hurt and stunned to be fired, because she honestly though that just telling her boss “I’m bipolar” meant she should have a magical free pass for leaving a passel of toddlers unattended every morning because she couldn’t bother to get out of bed.
    This would be easier to deal with if the first 5 years of my marriage hadn’t been spent with my husband taking out his sibling-abuse PTSD on ME for all the crap SHE pulled on him through his childhood. I took it in the teeth for her crap for YEARS, even enduring his refusing therapy, because when her parents sent HER to talk therapy she just learned all the jargon and used it to pull mind-f***y on her little brother. He finally went (a new form of therapy called Network Spinal Analysis- it’s amazing for PTSD) and it’s change sour lives. But I just blocked her on Facebook for staging a tantrum on my page, and I’m afraid I may end up blocking her in more ways. I already have cut my mother and sister (who my mother poisoned against me for years) out of my life, and my only brother actually moved to Europe to get away from us all. Now I’m going to have to work out more ways of delicately citing out an avoiding SIL if I want to love the rest of my life happy and sane.

    * edited for profanity

  27. My brother just crashed from a 7 month severe manic episode triggered by ingestion of paxil prescribed for anxiety. I always thought he was narcissistic, lacked empathy and refused to take criticism but now we know this was mental illness lurking. He cut all ties with his partner and the immediate family and spiralled out of control. The worst of it is that we sold our family cottage in the fall to help him out with a floundering business and then trusted him to manage the money so my mother would get the lion’s share which is the only thing my father left for her. Well, he blew through that $182,000 and ran up more debt to boot. My mother is heartbroken and living on a small fixed income. We were so happy she would have some financial wiggle room when the cottage was sold. He has reconciled with his partner who is managing his recovery but has had no contact with us. How do we ever forgive this? How can I manage my anger and despair for my mom’s shitty situation? How do I ever look at him again without malice? We tried all avenues to get him help as this was happening but were rendered helpless. No help from the healthcare system, the police or the legal system. Our family has been destroyed.

    • I need advice. My Moma, we have been trying to get help putting her in a mental hospital. First of all look my family we are all screwed up. I though have been doing great for years. Mom is bi polar denies it of course. I have a brother and sister. Did not know dad. She married my sisters ad. Mom got on drugs. Mom had my brother in an affair. Mom was drinking and doing drugs. Another affair. Mom and step dad divorced. He took my sis. My brother and I stuck with her. She moved in boyfriend drinking more drugs. I was 8 I moved out and in with my grandparents her parents. My brother stayed with her. He was abusedin so many ways. New boyfriend was making sexual comments about me. Mom said I couldn’t stay no more. Grandma grandpa adopted me when I was 11. Life was better. Mom was bad on drugs. In out of rehab. Boyfriends came and went. I got older spent a night or two with mom when I was 13. She letme drink. Second time I drank to blackout the next week and that weekend mom had let me go to a friends her dad let us drink anyway. I was raped. I never told anyone but my friend and my mom. Mom covered it up. Said would be bad for me if it came out. So I went to my grannys never told. I began drinking every other day skipping school. I asked to live with moma she had remarried my sisters dad. The family was together. They let me go. I ran wild syarted to do drugs quit school. Got prego got married I skipped all the rehabs. My husband was a criminal but he sure was cute. I chased afyer him in the streets. My baby spent a lot of time with my mom. She said she did no drugs or drink. She took my bro and sis out of school. Homeschooled. What a joke neither have diplomas. My husband and I moved away. Did real well. I got prego again. We moved back.he went to jail I had my baby. I was scared I was dumb. I moved back in with grandparents. I started dating. Mom and my mother in law got their heads together to get my kids. Moma told me one weekend go go out have a good time. I will watch them both. She said take the whole weekend. So I left them both with her. Never had I ever let anyone watch my newborn. Well she said “what do I tell you mom in law” I said “lie, say u don’t know where I am who I am with or when I will be back” so I left for a weekend. Called the whole time. No answer. Mom never answered her phone so I wasn’t to worried. Third day came into town. Stopped at a friends called again. My sis answered. She said cps took my daughter gave her to my mom in law and mom had my son and that I couldn’t have them back. Said “abandonment” 72 hours. It was moms idea. Bit I told her to lie. But Jesus Christ not to child welfare. When asked she said well u told me to lie….sorry don’t believe it. Needless to say I was so screwed up in my heady heart. I was young.I was ignorant. I beleived everything mom said. She ended up telling me I had lost all parental rights. I went on a five year drug binge. Was heart broken. Used the loss of my kids and husband as an excuse to stay inibreated. I got sober in 2005 when my brother by law because of adoption (also my moms brother) adoption of course makes mom my sis. (So screwed up) anyway when he killed himself after drug use and mental problems. I quit drugs. I decided to go get a job. I finally accepted I lost my kids have no rights. I will work and buy them things see them as often as they let me. I did. I worked on the road. The better I did the more weird my.mom and ex mom in law got about letting me see them. I was very sucsessfull at my job. Same job for 4 years advanced to supervisor. Made good money. I showered the kids with money and giftsbecause that’s all I could do. Anyway. I met the love of my life on the job. We decided to settle down quit traveling. I took a good job managing. He went to college and to work. He now has a degree and a nice desk job at the same job he was working just moved up. He has been there for about 5 yrs. I got sick took chemo. Quit my job…to sick. Got better worked part time. I got my GED years ago. So I then decided to go to college. Second year I had to drop…because I broke my back was disabled. I am 36 young. But I am hoping surgery soon. Started buying our first house last november. Two cars paid for. Mom adopted my so in 2009. I thought I had no choice. Well I began researching the ability to regain parental rights after termination. I hired ATC and attorney connection both were scams but during tht time found out my rights were NEVER terminated….I was outraged. I hired an attorney. But I live in another state. Hired him this year earlier. Paid in full after six months he had done zero work. He lost law license called going to rehab spent my mo.ey. I filed with the bar. Hired another attorney another 3500 finally have court day. I told you all of this because it is my belief my mom is in her current mental state. I caught them in a lot of lies. She won’t admit I never pushed. My son turned 18 yesterday soooo I wasn’t trying to take him I am trying to get my 14 year old daughter back cause that family is just as messed up. My mom apparently has tottaly lost it. Like I say I am in another state. I knew or thought this was causing her probs but she denied. She has been hospitalized 3 times in the last 2 to 3 months for not eating only drinking water. Potassium and sodium bottomed out. Last time she she had a sezuire went in ambulance. They told her don’t do it again. Can cause brain damage….ok. she said she wouldn’t do it again. She quit going to shrink she stopped bi polar meds. She was taking pain pills and xanex that was for my dad stealing my papas pain pills. All of a sudden after I told her I was taking a hair folicle test and forcing the other side to do the same for court. She quit taking everything. I don’t know if thays why. My granny called me about a week ago. She said mom was having an episode. But didn’t make a big deal. I called mom. She sounded a lil irritated said she was fine. Friday morning my aunt called.. she said ” I have bad news…sit down its your Mom” oh God I thought she had killed hetself. That is almost the exact words they said when they told me about my brother. (My moms brother). Anyway my aunt said no no she’s okay but she is in jail. WHATTTT!!!!??? No way what did she do? She attacked my grandparents…her parents. Pushed or hit my papa he
      lew backward twisted around caught himself barely missed the wood stove with his head. He has no hide on his shoulder a 4×4 spot bruised all the way up and down his fingure has a big gash. My cousin was here pregnant BIG PREGO lost to babies already almost ready to pop this time she tried to help papa. My mom pushed her. Then my granny came close said look what u have done. Mom said its his own fault for getting in my face. Granny said GET OUT she grabbed my gran hard. You can see marks fingerprints still. Moma tried to hit her. My nan slapped her. My moma went for her and my son he is a big boy. He forced her outside he came back in said call the police. Well she had been beating my step dad to. My dad and son would take turns watching her because she don’t sleep. At all. They have been hiding this. My grandparents called police pressed charges. Mom weaseled her way out of jail conned my step dad into bailing her out. I had to come here where they all are for court next week but decided when he got her out and I talked to her on phone and she denied any wrong doing. Said my granparents lied. She is talking in ryme in riddles and makes absolutely no sense. She loves her mom and dad my grandparents I know she has lost it totaly to hurt them. Worried about my son. So anyway I high tailed it here. I tried to talk to her. She makes no sense at all. With her jack and jill ryming talking about not trusting people. People trying to hurt her. Saying she has to protect who she loves etc etc. Everyone is so so tired and scared. She needs to be comitted for awhile until she levels out. She is dangerous. I can’t seem to get any help from institutions. I feel this is my fault and that it has to do with all I have told you somehow. I feel this is her guilt that originally set her off. Please please help!!!! Sorry about run on sentences and mis spelled words. Punctuation etc. I am on a phone. All I have here at my grans house.I have until Wednesday to help her. I need to go home but can’t leave all my family in this mess. I fear my mother will hurt or kill herself or someone else I love. I don’t know how to approach her either….please help

      • OMG! My post sounds almost as bad as mother! We are all so very tired and need relief.

  28. I lurk on the DWIL boards at Baby Center. DWIL = Dealing with In laws (And Families of Origin). It’s not just for people with babies – there are people of all ages there – many of them victims of abusive parents, or married to people with abusive parents. It’s a great place for support and advice on dealing with abusive parents and in laws. Read the sticky – this board isn’t for the faint of heart!

  29. Hi, I have read some of your posts.
    I think I have a bipolar mother too. I don’t know, we all are too scared to even ask her to come to a psychiatrist.
    She has been acting like one since I was still 5. Everything I and my siblings do will never please her.
    She always talks bad about her sons and daughters or any family problems to everyone she meets including our drivers or workers like she has no dignity to protect family’s personal matters.
    My siblings are all married. They have their own problems only to be burdened by her drama.
    My oldest brother used to visit us on Sundays. He brought cookies and meatballs for my mom’s lunch, but as soon as he left the house, my mom would insult him behind his back, saying that the cookies and the meatballs were not delicious.
    When he visited us again not bringing anything that time, she would say “What a shame he didn’t bring anything for us today.”
    and when my brother stopped visiting us, she cried and asked what she did wrong, and when we answered her question, she never accepted our opinion of her as our mom.
    She blames everyone even though she is wrong.
    When my siblings started avoiding her (even though it was because of her behavior), she blamed them for doing so.
    One minute she is nice and caring, then the next thing you know, she will be moody and start talking bad about people, mainly her sons and daughters.
    Today she was mad like crazy at me for pointing out her mistake! I was feeling irritated that time because she kept telling bad things about us (me and my siblings) even in front of me, saying that her sons and daughters would probably be happy if she died! I always pray for her health and safety every night and this is how she thinks of me?
    One minute she was talking about food (when her mood was still good), the next minute she went back to ‘that conversation’.
    That’s why I pointed out her mistakes with a hint of sarcasm. It turned out she didn’t accept it and she went all ‘cold’ with me.
    If there was something I could do to get my mom treated, I would do it immediately, but knowing her, she would never want everyone to think she is crazy. We all know if that happens, she will plan a suicide attempt.
    So tiring 😦

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