Experiences
This static page is set up for my visitors to tell their own stories of their encounters with bipolar disorder. Anonymous comments ARE allowed per the posting rules on my About page. Even if you don’t want to be identified, your experience can still be shared.
My Bipolar Mother 
Hello, It was great to come upon your blog. I am an adult child of a bipolar mother. I am married with two small children. My mother lives in a retirement facility where she is medicated and monitored. She currently is in a cycle where she needs to be hospitalized every two years to have her medication adjusted. She tried to commit suicide two years ago.
I am coming to terms with the fact that for my own sanity and mental health and the general well-being of my children that I have to cut-off my mother from our lives. She called at 5:00 am a couple of months ago accusing my husband of something he did not do, threatening police action. (this is after the first one hour visit we had with her in three years) Granted she is delusional but the threat from her regarding my family’s safety was the final straw. I can not take her drama any longer. She is manipulative with her illness using it as an excuse when it suits her or remains in a state of complete denial at other times. Her selfishness with her behavior and her illness robbed me of a childhood. I grew up trying to make sense of her irrational behavior while my father withdrew into his own world leaving the house with me to deal with my mother.
It sounds as if your family is coming to terms with your mothers illness late in her life. The best thing you can do is have her committed when she needs it and explain to your kids what’s going on. I know it is completly maddening and frustrating but your mother will probably always remain in denial of her illness. There just comes a time when you need to take a step back to restore the peace in your own family and regain a peace of mind for yourself. When I was involved in helping my mother get treatment, she thrived on the drama it caused our family and the guilt that it entailed. I would advise that you just take a step back from interacting with your mother and give your own family a breathe of air. Try it for six months to a year for the mental well-being of everyone.
I’ve had a tough time locating info or books regarding adult children of bipolar parents. Please feel free to forward any info you have come across.
Thank you & Good Luck!
Not all mom’s stay in denial. It is harsh to read your words and hear your feelings.Many of the words you used, my daughter has also used. My heart is broken that I broke my daughter’s heart and my behaviors caused such pai. I certainly don’t revel in the drama and I would give anything to have our time as mom and daughter back. Your anger is palpable through your words. I hope you can have peace in your life and begin to heal your wounds. I hope you can find compassion for your mom as you find compassion for yourself. I love my children more than I can say.
it sounds to me as if you just want something from your daughter it breaks your heart that the one person that should love you can’t because you never had any love to give her I bet you just used her for sympathy and then used her to take your anger out on and prolly used her to do the stuff you were to lazy to do in the first place the truth is your mad she doesn’t feel sorry for you all the time and now she can focus on the people who make her happy I cut off ties with my mom 3 years ago since then she has tried to replace me with several of the other teenage kids friends even letting them move in my room but none of them can tolerate living in that environment for 3 months because she is so crazy and I’m pretty sure y’all would be best friends or worst enemies
My heart is broken reading these sites. I am a mother who was diagnosed with bipolar last year at the age of 53 and I have an adult son and daughter. I get the impression they are both closing me out of their lives more and more…and what about future grandchildren? If they have a child with bipolar are they going to turn their back on their child too? I am sure I caused my children some suffering but my childhood was no picnic either. And while raising our children my husband and I went without constantly so they would have a good life. I think a lot of people are just spoiled and I think it is very selfish to turn ones back on ones sick parent. Would you turn your back on a parent with cancer? What’s the difference? God forbid you should one day have to struggle with this terrible illness. Like my Mom used to say “there but by the grace of God go I”
Yvonne:
53 is atypical for the onset of bipolar. My guess is that you had symptoms that went undiagnosed before that.
Your problems in childhood do not excuse or negate any suffering you caused your own children. It is the parents DUTY to go without to meet the needs (not wants, but needs) of their children.
The difference between cancer and bipolar should be obvious, even to you. Cancer (rare brain tumors excepted) can’t turn someone into a manic, paranoid sociopath.
And wishing your affliction on others (which is exactly what you did) is really evil.
Bipolar folks responding to this post – please do NOT gaslight the poster! As an adult child of someone with bipolar, she is fully valid in her feelings and experiences, which many of us have also experienced. It’s emotional blackmail to accuse her of being hateful/angry/unfair/etc. She is not being any of those things – she is being honest about ways in which her mother did in fact do significant damage! If you’re hurt by that, that’s your own guilt to sort through, not her problem to mitigate by withholding the truth.
I am sorry you feel I gaslighted posters. I feel what you went and are going through is enraging and extremely hurtful more so because it is your parent. You must do first what you need to do to heal and live your life in peace. I hope you don’t feel guilty for the choice s you need to make and actions take. Your anger is palpable to me it is so strong I feel you must be so hurt. I cannot know what you are going through, I can only tell you how I feel it. I realize you felt I was criticizing you. I want to validate your feelings not challenge them. I am sorry. I will try to be mor careful with my words.
thank you for sharing. your post helps me.
Thank you Nick, I hope whoever you need it from has empathy and compassion for you. I hope the person ( people ) hear your feelings, validate them and you can heal. I hope you and any other that needs to break ties with a BP parent does not feel guilty. You are doing what needs to be done to be happy and at peace. I do not know if you are a parent or child but having your feelings and experiences validated is so important. I think if you need to set boundaries with the person with Bipolar it could possible lead to the beginning of their path to treatment. I am in treatment.
I am 27 years old iv had bipolar disorder all my life, but was diagnosed 4 years ago. All my life i wondered why is life so difficult for me but seems like being so easy for other people. My dad grandmother and uncle has bipolar disorder so guess where i got it from! The thing is all the petty people on this site saying bad things, we do not want to be this way and just remember that. My mother doesn’t like me saying that I’m bipolar because of people treating us differently. Once a guy was chatting to me and made a really rude joke about bipolar people… Well when i said to him I’m bipolar he disappeared very quickly. My whole one side of my family has it and yes it gets on your nervers when they go through those moods but if you did the effort to get to know them for who they are then you will love them no matter what and will be able to know how to handel them in their different moods. And all of you blaming your mother or father being bipolar and how they distroy your lives remember that your children may have it aswell and most only get triggered from the age of around 20 so get your act together cause if you cant handel it now you going to have a very hard time ahead of you when your child gets diagnosed. And you know what really makes me angry is you people who point a finger and say rude stuff and criticise and have no respect! I will give you a week in my shoes and deal with all this shit in my head and see how you like it you will be a broken person at the end of the day! Do you think we wish to feel like this or act out the way we do? Would you like the feeling of knowing you aren’t in control of your own body when you do or say something and afterwards when you get a grip on yourself you think “but who am i know im not that person!” Medication helps but it doesn’t take everything away. You think its bad how you have it! Shame i feel sorry for your mother because sounds like all she needs is love and support from her family she is a broken woman and just needs her loved ones and now she acts out now you want nothing to do with her. The thing bipolar people need more then anything and you taking it away from her (love and family) im just glad i have a amazing supportive family that i have. Just remember that people with bipolar disorder feel emotions 10 times more then the normal person! Now if you love your child multiply that with 10 and thats how much your mother loves you. Now you push her away so she gets sad and depressed multiply that with 10 and it comes to thoughts like i cant live without them it hurts so much just make it stop so why not end it with a hand full of pills! I haven’t acted out because of my amazing doctor and the best family in the world. And my to be husband, i always say sorry if i have a episode and not once will he raise his voice at me and his answer when i say sorry is i love you and wont change a thing i love you and we can handle the difficult parts together.
I hope that you have less and less difficult parts.
I wish that all of us could stop labeling each other as “all the petty people” or ” hateful”. Actions may be petty and hateful and hurtful. I know it is easy to judge one another . On this site it is important that every persons’s feelings are valid especially when there is so much hurt where there should be love. Empathy and compassion are so important , however that does not mean anyone accepts any kind of abuse, neglect of any kind. You can accept another’s feelings and still need to distance yourself or accept a child needs to cut of all contact .
I believe I try to accept my daughters feelings and I want them to do what they need to do to be happy. I have written them that I accept they do not want to have a relationship with me. I will not contact them. I am heartbroken but understand they have good reason to need to cut off all ties. I told them not to feel guilty about their decision. I love them always and my door is always open if they ever want to walk through it.
I wish my mother felt this way. Congrats and god bless you for wanting to change.
I’m sorry you did not get what you needed from your mom. I know it’s very hurtful. Thank you for your kind words. I hope someday you will find peace, your mom listens, validates and hears what you need to say and need her to do and does them with love. Xo
I understand you honey.
Not all mothers with mental illness sdd it this way. But you need to realize that being manipulative hurts everyone. My mother is a bipolar/border line personality disorder violent alcoholic. I’m an adult and stay in home to care for my brother with cerebral palsy. I’m in fear daily while I’m at work that she will hurt him. So I have friends visiting and calling often go make sure he is cares for.
I love your words of wisdom and agree.
Wow totally understand. I have a small child and also have made the choice to cut off ties. But my mother won’t get help and I can’t recall a good memory of her in my life.
Sometimes your so sick of being a punching bag. The words that could come from their mouth is appalling. I got hurt too often and for far too long from my bipolar mother and sister. It comes a time in your life when you realize you can’t help them any longer. I needed a break, and although I felt some guilt, I had to cut them out of my life. I know they don’t want to be like this but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier to be around them. Although they can’t cure their disease they can help themselves control it. I want to surround myself with positive, respectful people>.
I hope that anyone who knows they are bipolar or have a history of it will simply stop having children. It seems like a horrible affliction why put someone else through it, that’s what I call selfish.
I’m not sure of what to do… I’ve been for 5 years and working most of my life because my mother would tell strangers that she worked- even though we knew that she didn’t… She just yells “You hate me!” Every time she sees me now and I think she’s nuts because I let her see my kid one week ago. And she showed up at my job yelling at me. Should I just cut her off???? I’m a private person and I don’t appreciate her immature behavior.
I’m a 34yr old, married, mother of two and my mother was recently diagnosed with bipolar (although I’ve known since childhood and NO ONE believed me until her wrath was finally directed toward them). My mother to, thrives off of drama and often enjoys hurting others (while in her manic stage). Shes also EXTREMLY loving and kind when shes “well” which made my childhood AND my decision to completely cut her off, VERY confusing. I was often verbally and physically abused as a child an was lead to believe I “deserved” it because I was fresh. Family members would say, “well, you’ve MUST’VE done SOMETHING,” and yeah, I WAS FRESH, but it took me a LONG time to realize, JUST cause was fresh, DOES NOT, give you the right, to bite, chock, kick, punch, call me stupid, or a whore.
Anyway, this year it all came to a head when I had to have her hospitalized numerous times because of EXTREME mania. Even with her looking like a strung out crack head, I STILL received absolutely NO support from my ANYONE in my family. As a matter of fact, they acted as if I WAS THE BAD GUY!!
I finally had enough and threw up my hands. Let THEM deal with my “NON” bipolar mother themselves. Isn’t it enough that I stuck around all these years and for the most of it, I was a piece of crap who didn’t deserve ANY happiness (according to how my “mother” acts)?? Well, now according to them, I’ve abandoned my mother! Ha! So, I SHOULD ALLOW her to continue to treat me like I’m the scum on the bottom of her shoe……….because…………she gave birth to me?????
One family member said that if my mom is bipolar it means that I could be and she hopes that my children don’t end up abandoning me. Well, ya know what? If I’m abusive to my kids………then BY ALLLLLL MEANS!!! Run!!! Run like HELL girls! Cause NO CHILD deserves to be abused, EVER. BY ANYONE. Under ANY circumstances.
Sounds logical. Feels logical. I KNOW im right. But it STILL HURTS LIKE HELL to have NO ONE in your corner.
I am bi-polar, since i was 19, 43 now, have 2 kids and 3 grandkids, not only am i so called nuts but ive been molested, raped, had abortions, lost both my parents trajically, been robbed, any negative thing that can happen to a person has happened to me, and in spite of it all, i have my wits about me, am a good mother, and take care of everybodys problems while no-one takes care of mine and i have become incresingly more bitter with every passing day cuz cuz i ge3t no credit for what i do just bitched at for not doin enough, when i want to do something for me then its all about me and i dont carfe bout nobody, my husband can treat me like s*** and if i dont lay there and take it its cuz im not on my meds. bi-polar people have more wit in thier pinkies then most people have their whole lifes, if a bi-polar person is mad at you its most likely cuz ur not understanding or even care to understandthe underlying cause of the drama and its not to hard to c when someone doesnt really care or want to deal with you which causes the rage, both of my children r spoiled rotten and dont know what abuse is and ive grown to not be able to stand them, ill be the one disowning them until they get a clue!
Hi,
I understand 100% what you are saying. I made the decision last year to leave my family. My mother can be labelled as a narcacist, bipolar, codependent or quite simply, totally screwed up!
She lives in a fantasy world of self denial and lies. She lives a life of Jeckel & Hyde. She is unable to communicate with me without trying to hurt me. So I’ve walked away – it’s the only solution. Mothers of this nature chose not to see the damage they gave inflicted and never will, she almost ruined my life, she will NEVER get close to me again. As for my dad, he lives in sweet denial.
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! Dealing with a bipolar mother is devastating enough, let alone having family always blaming you for her behaviour!!!!
I’m starting to think the same thing, maybe I should move out and leave her to her miserable life, and leave her family to see the real her, since they ‘love’ her so much.
I’m in your corner! You may never read this response & I may never be back here again, but I KNOW what you went through & how it feels to be alone in your knowledge of the TRUTH! I endured more than 20 yrs w/ my husband/my one & only love who had undiagnosed bi-polar. I searched for yrs trying to figure out the cause of his behavior- was it a sugar imbalance??? When I finally saw “maniac depression/bi-polar” for the 1st time in a library research manual I couldn’t believe my eyes! It sounded as if they were speaking directly about him- every detail! I tried to get him help but he insisted I was the one who was crazy…you know the routine. So it went for several more yrs- he had a “spell” about every 6 months. Finally, 10 yrs ago I realized if I din’t get out he would kill me; not because he really wanted to but because he was violent with uncontrolled anger. My then 15 yr old daughter sd she was leaving, with or without me. Me & my 2 kids left that p.m. with the clothes on our back. Very long story- stressful, scarey,… but he is still alive & called me last weekend just wanting to talk (which I don’t want to do at this point). But now, my daughter, is the one who lashes out in anger, refuses help, doesn’t work, won’t clean up after herself & the important part- the reason I came here today- is she is the mother of a precious 2 yr old daughter who is now stuck on the hip of a cazed lunatic & there is nothing I can do! She’s been living with me up until 2 wks ago when she flew off, cussing me, snatching the baby off my lap & disappearing. I am so beside myself- praying over that baby & my daughter too, but prayers didn’t help me in the past.
My mother got bi-polar, shes exactly the same. She was diagnosed about 3 years ago. I am 18 years old and for the first 14 years of my life I had no idea she had it, she was the best mother anyone could EVER ask for, I love her to bits I really do, which is the thing that makes it the hardest. At 16 it started to get back, she would have episodes about once a month and they would last maybe 2 days, mostly brought on by alcohol but she would wake up feeling depressed and deeply sorry after knowing what she had done wrong, so although it was horrible at the time it was copeable. Now I am 18 and she has been an alcoholic for 2 years. Her episodes got a lot more frequent, maybe once every 2 weeks. She has now recently in the last 2 months had a complete breakdown and her episodes are about once every 3 days and now shes starting to believe the lies she has twisted and forgetting the horrible and destroying names she has called me. She is another country at the moment, trying to get help, but all I get is calls telling me how shes hates me, how I’m a dis loyal c***, even though all I’ve ever done is care about her more than anyone and want to help her. She was meant to come home but hasn’t and she wont tell anyone what shes doing, shes just abusing us down the phone but I feel I have to stay on because I don’t want her to harm herself or do anything stupid in that way. It is really really getting to me at the moment, I have my exams but every day I am getting repeat phone calls of her getting HARSH abuse, which now she can barely even remember the next day and isn’t even sorry. For the past 10 days all I’ve had is abuse, complete abuse and not even one apology, I’m sure shes starting to belief now that I’m the bad person. It is absolutely draining me and hurting me inside but she doesn’t realise, she thinks I couldn’t give a s*** because every time I tell her how much she means to me, what I can do to help her, what she needs to do, shes talking about something else from the past thats wound her up, I can not get one ounce of sense out of her or one normal conversation anymore. I am SO SO SO distraught and broken hearted, I just want my old mum back, the amazing mum I had but she doenst even seem to want help, she seems to be enjoying the fact she can abuse me when she likes and loves getting in arguments. She doesn’t realise how much shes hurting me. Theres nothing I can do, she won’t listen to anything I say or won’t answer any of my questions. what do I do, its really really getting me down now.
*edited for profanity
Hello. Oh reading your blog makes me swell with pain. My mum is bi polar but the guilt eats me as I cut myself off. I give her money. She could be living in a shelter but the pain to go back to her lies is un bearable. Thanks for this sitrm I am not alone
Amen
Hi i feel so much the same as you im 20 years old and still having to live at home i feel guilty at the thought of going away and leaving them in a down hill spiral but i always am the bad guy even wen im tryin to help or just eat and no one in my family will help and have her take some of it out on them they would rather stand well away. My brother once refered to it as she bullies me and i suppose its because i shout back i no i get told not too but the things she says i struggle to keep quiet. How did you cope when you were young. Does it ever scare you the thought that wen people say you could have bipola that it culd b true, mum says it soo much i might end up believing it
I’ve got to deal with my mother who try’s to turn all my family against me when all I do is try to help, every time I go home I get shouted at and told to leave the house, then get told I am abandoning her by others in the family and herself, so frustrating it hurts guys and you all know what I’m going through, a million words can’t describe the feeling of the affects of bipolar on the sufferers child
It does hurt like hell! I feel your pain, as your story reminds me of my childhood, BUT now I’m the one making life miserable for my teen and it disgusts me! My goal in life was to break the chain. Through twenty years of Montessori, Autism and BD training and a life long empathetic persona I was positive, kind, available, compassionate, giving and just to hundreds of children and parents. I knew I struggled with something all my life but didn’t know what . Sadly, it wasn’t until my beautiful daughter was born that my bipolar monster exploded. I have sickened myself AS the words are coming out of my mouth, usually intending quite the opposite, yet some bizarre defense mechanism wins out and continues a flow of hurtful, untrue words that cannot be taken back. It still hurts, whether it was meant or not, like an electric punch to your heart — I remember ( my siblings have either returned beatings and then disowned my mother or are in as much denial as she is and NO support) I am not physically abusive. However, I have vomited appalling things not deserved. I fear she replays this, internalizes it, loses self-esteem, feels trapped, confused, scared and alone — at least I did. Being on both sides causes pity parties now and again and I unintentionally use my teen as a sounding board causing her to be the adult just as I hated as a child. I am aware, and fully admit the pain my severe disorder has caused. I am disgusted and frustrated. I swirl in guilt, shame and fear. I love my daughter more than anything in the world and I will never give up, but words are not actions… sorry only helps once and still doesn’t erase the pain. –guilt causes resentment causes selfish- self pity causes shame causes fear causes pain and the vicious cycle continues :-0
I am now actively seeking therapy and medication, yet still sometimes falter. I don’t want to lose my daughter but manic episodes may push her away if I can’t manage my illness better. I feel for all of us that grew up in chaotic fear, and apologize for allowing my bipolar disorder to cause depression and pain for family and friends.
A bit unorganized as I’m fighting mania, but heartfelt none the less.
Happy, healthy wishes
They are just guilt tripping you so they don’t have to take care of her. My family tried this on me when my mom was committed. My older sibling (by 8 years) tried to get me to get my mom out and move her in with me. No thank you!
My obese super messy best friend Martha, 30F, and I, 35M, are Bipolar. She divorced an angry alcoholic batterer who spits on her while she swaps the 5 yo autistic boy with him. [[ We share rent and have a lot of space luckily. I make software, smoke weed, lift weights and run because it makes me really feel great and if you are bipolar you should try it sometime! ]]
She is never mean to her son to my knowing, but her is sure a jerk to her. She also hate and/or is terrified of everyone behind their backs — especially her own family who support her financially. Nothing is good enough for her: food, town services, products she constantly buys with dad’s money.
OPINION: The problem is her. She needs to fight the illness, as their is no other hope for Bipolar — either you decide you want to live and you want to aid your children, or you decide you want to die and maybe take your children with you.
This sound eerily familiar! As a child growing up my Mother went job to job and drank excessively, partying whenever. She would come home literally three days later or so after a partying binge. My grandmother would take of care of me and my sister during these times. This happened all through my childhood and teenage years, watching my mother go from a manic phase to a depression during the course of a year. Granted my mom had severe issues of sexual abuse from her dad as a youngster ; and she tried to report it, but nobody believed her during the 1950’s era. She would get a break from this when her dad was killed in a hunting accident in Alaska. However I’m just speculating that all this abuse has fractured her mind for life and manifested it into this bipolar being. Well I went through my own physical torture emotional abuse growing up as a child from this woman. She has absolutely no feelings what so ever and a hatred towards men in general. It took years to put the pieces together of what’s going on with my mother, it just does not stop either. This woman is extremely intelligent and highly manipulative when in her manic phase and folks lookout! Usually high stress long term situations can bring this out of dormant.
Well it does not stop here! Two and a half years ago one my of niece was tragically murdered in June 22nd 2012, by a man, stranger, and a nobody. This has singled me out for her punching bag for this crime. I suppose cause I’m a male and an easy target. My mom has always been in the heat of the drama, stirring the pot so to speak when in her manic phase. Here’s where her manipulation of people and believe ability factor comes in. My Mother does have friends that know friends that are retired police and an FBI agent. Well Well she has convinced her friends that I’m some type of genius terrorist, and when in conversations with her has mentioned NSA will be watching you like they did Black Panthers. She brings up in conversation with her, she new exactly how much I’ve got in my bank account, to my last transaction on my debit card. Currently I have a cop that will wait outside my residence a few times a week. When I get in my car and go to work in the morning the cop follows me for no reason. When I talk to my mother on the phone she sarcastically says what a genius I am. I didn’t get it at first, but she’s got me in a government sting! My co-workers at work have being bringing up terrorist attack incidents during conversations with them. Big brother is watching. Oh well! I’m really at the stage of suing my Mother civilly into the dirt period! I need to cut all ties from this woman! Monster! She has no conscious! She feeds her own manic drama drive. Completely f’d in America!
* edited for profanity
Describes my life to a T!!! My grandmother constantly “smooths” things out for my extremely manic dad who ten years ago after taking a very strong medication for his bipolar was “misdiagnosed”. Yeah… He sure was says everyone but me & my mother (finally got guts to leave after yrs of his threats/intimidation) who is no longer with me after a freak car accident 5 yrs ago. I had to handle the death BY myself at 20 yrs old thankfully I had my mother in law to help me with the lawsuit or my other side would’ve took everything. My father didn’t show to my sons birth still treated me at 23 like I should be ashamed!! He hasn’t been present to a single bday/ holiday. He doesn’t have a clue who he is… But when I do talk to him I get a lecture about respecting my family, listen to lies about my mother downing her (infuriates me!! She was amazing & would’ve been here for my baby every second), or hearing from other members how he wants a relationship. Really?!!!! It’s too late!!
Your story is.exactly.like mine.i.want to.cry reading this i.know.how.much pain and suffering this causes on.a person my bipolar mother.is also abusive to me physically verbally and mentally she.is mean to me because.the term fresh fits perfectly By the way i dont think.i could have said it better she is discusted in my beauty and also calls me whore.a devil spawn.has said she cant stand her parents love me no matter what so told family lies to Make them not want to be aroumd me she also has tried.to keep me.away from my none.year old daughter has.told her i dont lovw her.that im.sick in the head i am.scary.and told.her.to.be afraid.of me.my.daughter.and i have.always.lived at home.to.keep my mother.as sane as.posSible She had kicked me from the home spent all my money amd has stopped.at nothing to ruin.everything.good.in my life she.cant stand to even.look.at me.everyone pretends shes.right.so they dont.have to.hear.or.deal with her they believe her manipulative acts im so.xonfused
I am a bipolar mother. I do not abuse my children. I do not drink nor do illegal substances or abuse prescription drugs.Not all of us are evil. Some of us get blood tested frequently to make sure our medz is working. However it hard to be a disabled person and try to be good citizen when people abuse their kids or say I poured bleach down my kids throat or harm there kids that is not bipolar that is evil. If anything most of us over try to be normal. We really want a quiet life with little drama. Not all of us belong in a home. Give some of us a break.
This sounds like my story. I may not know you, but I fully understand you, and if no else supports your decision, I DO! I’ve made the same decision recently. Dealing with a person like this, is like being on a non stop rollercoaster with no specific pattern of travel, just back & forth mental & physical torture. Take care of yourself and your children. They don’t need the exposure of her unstable behavior. My mother just recently slit her wrists while my 14 yr old was in the next room sleep, so this just showed me that there’s no limit to what a bi-polar person will do, especially if they’re not taking their meds, or they’re thriving for that attention, or drama fulfillment. Protect those babies by any means, find your joy. All children of a bi-polar parent deserves to live, instead of being made to feel guilty & believe we’re wrong for walking off from the dysfunctionalism. Take care!
I am 48 yrs old bipolar woman I try so hard to be there for my daughters needs & her dad my husband. She takes me & him for granted it is hurtfull she wants me to babysit her & boyfriends kids every day & when they go out
Helps herself to my things without asking. Yes i identity so much how people abandon you for how I am but are to selfish to sit talk with me show they care . it hurts a lot cause I’ve given up a lot for her been there through her teen pregnancy 2nd pregnancy ect I don’t want her to mother me
Even though I never had what she’s had with me . I just need an understanding loving caring female friend don’t feel this exists . my husband is so wonderful amazing man with me I know my manic moods are hard on people but if they could just understand kindness & willingness of genuine time talking listening & respect would help me so much. I just feel alone . people I feel like are becoming more distant in these times were living in Doesent leave much room for healing & compassion
without asking but Doesent want to give me the time of day all I would love is her concern friendship without everything always on her minipulitive control so it benefits her. I’m disabled now & also in menipause she is distancing from me slowly unless its to benifit her. I also have a mother that is so mean & cruel a year ago for the second time had to stop all contact I love her but she’s also very mean minipulitive with my hubby & kids
I’m 27 and almost at a point of cutting off all ties with my mother. This is exactly everything I’ve been through to a T. No one believes you and everyone makes you feel like you are crazy until they have to deal with it. How nice they are when they aren’t manic does get very confusing. I currently live with my mother so my situation is a bit more complex but having to quit your job because you mother’s verbal abuse has you emotionally drained
don’t feel bad about the decision to cut your mom out of your life. No one else knows, understands, or sees what she has done to you or how she has treated you in the past. I have also cut my mom out of my life and it has been very freeing. I no longer feel stress about having to see or talk to her. She still trys to make contact with letters and cards that are dripping in guilt for not talking to her, but I know that is another one of her manipulation tricks. her family has finally seen what she has done to my sister and I for years now that we are no longer talking to her she directs her rage at them. They are also distancing themselves from her. I truly feel the only thing that will get to seek help will be to really hit rock bottom. I know that she is alone but she has put herself in this position after 20 years of abusing, lying to, and manipulating everyone close to her.
Hi there
I read your post and and know its been a while but that is just exacty what I am going thru now. This weekend I was once again attacked by my mother and she she actualy went for my throat like a dog. My arms broken and I’m all banged up. I’m 29 now and this has been my life. Up untill two days ago I continued to support my mother with my fathers death and her ilness but no more. And the rest of the family still sees me as the bad sheep because I’m gay as well. I feel broken but I have to turn my back on her befor I don’t have the strengh to.
This sounds exactly like my life! Stay strong!
Thank you thank you thank you. I am the black sheep of the family for not accepting my mothers madness and just this week she told me I have imagined the abuse she put me through as a child. They seriously do use us and then wonder why as adults we struggle to have any type of relationship. After 25 years of this, NOW my mother apologizes, but her words are empty.
Hearing your circumstances reminds me of the way my mother used to take advantage of my weaknesses to make me feel isolated and helpless. I remember her saying, ” Who do you think they will believe?Me or a 13 year old druggie?” and ” what do you think your dad will say if he finds out you failed math?” These things may sound silly now that i’m an adult, but, they were very effective in making me look the other way when her behavior got crazy. What kind of parent wants to make their child feel isolated and helpless?
I am in your court! I totally hear your pain and hurt. My prayers this morning will be for you. Hang tough. Jesus Christ is the prime example of having no one is HIS court and was crucified for healing others. How’s that for pain both physically and emotionally and soulfully?! But how did Christ handle the pain…HE forgave all. And called them “ignorant”…”they know not what they do”. xo
You are not alone.
I’m in your corner, I feel you I’m dealing with a bipolar mom, she does messed up shit all the time and blames every body else,when it goes wrong or not her way. Always plays victim. Always says just cause your grown im still your mother. Just lost her car do to her just not wanti g to pay the bill so she can buy dumn shit and instead of saving the money that she would of paid on her car to put down on a cheap one so she would have somthing,she just blew it all ,cause she think brother and I should buy here one cause she’s the mother and 60 &can’t do it all on her own which I crap,she just want everything handed to her so she can spend her money on what she wants and screw what we are going through.she say after all I’ve done for you,caring for changing your diaper carrying you for 9 months, etc. And always acts like I owe her.and if I don’t have it I don’t have.I didn’t ask for shit when I was younger or as a adult,she always say sorry to hear that wish I could help you,but when it’s reversed , she says I’ll be. There way more going on I’m just saving you the drama.and she’s tried to commit suicide a few times then ant a positive reaction, and cry and be well I almost died.well no shit you tried to kill yourself,but if she wanted to really it would happen it just for attention and every one has gotten over it. Now the leer she gets the harder it is to be around her,always negative,always well what about me,and it like walk I g on eggshells. And she kind of jealous how close me and my fiance are.like I’m pose to be in some kind of relationship with her, I don’t no sorry to keep rambling I really have no one to vent any more cause my fiance is beside himself with it all and it put to g a strain on us. Please don’t think I’m a awfull person ,I just feel well I don’t know how I really feel😩.Thanks for letting me vent on your story. Denise
Im totally in your corner, mine is still on deepend & left nasty letter at my house cause she wont understand no tresspassing unless shes arrested i guess. She wants everyone to be miserable like she is.
I’m in your corner. Fight for your right to survive.
As an adult daughter of a bipolar mother – I wholeheartedly agree.
Hello,
I have just come across this blog. I dont know how active it is, so Im not sure I will get any feedback or not. I do hope so.
My mother is bipolar. I have known this for years. I believe she has received an official diagnosis, although she will not admit to it. She tells people she has PTSD because everyone from her own mother, father, siblings, husband and her own children have physically and emotionally abused her. However, I do not think that statement is true. She has accused me of terrible things over the years, and I know they are not true. So it is difficult for me to believe her when she tells me someone else did the outlandish things she tells me.
My earliest memories of my mother include days of sleeping other days of going out of her way to make our time fun and exciting. Never knowing when or what would make her explode with anger. The way she would spend hours yelling, saying very hurtful things to me and my siblings. Telling us that if it wasnt for us, she would kill herself. It was some times a very scary childhood. But usually these times were infrequent and I mostly had a safe happy childhood, but I do know I tried very hard to please my mother.
In the last 15 years, she had really bad episodes. she and my father moved across the country, he thought that would help her, by having some distance. She would call me (and my brothers) out of the blue and scream over the phone, loud enough that that my children hear her screams and are fearful of her. She rarely comes to visit, but when she does, they keep their distance.
Eight years ago she divorced my father (stating he abused her, i never witnessed such behavior, but whatever), and is very angry that we still have contact with him. Sometimes she is fine, will come for a visit, and be ok, other times, calling and screaming demanding I have no contact with him.
I try to reason with her, tell her its ok if she wants him out of her life, but he has never been abusive to me, so therefore I choose to still have a father and my children a grandfather. My father visits often. He encourages us to have contact with our mother, tells us not to be upset about her episodes, that she loves us, that it is just an illness.
Just today, she called after not answering my phone calls for over 3 months. I knew she was in a bad state. She was so angry that my father came to visit, angry that i dont “believe” her that he abused her, (today she claimed he was trying to hire someone to kill her, I dont want to use the word crazy, but i guess I will just stick with outlandish). Told me that she I stole things of hers, that I dont love her, I never call….all untruths. But I know she believes them…and I so sad she believes these things, even if it just for this time, that when this depressive lifts she will no longer believe, if she even remembers. This is certainly not the first time she accuses me of things, I guess she forgets, because in a few months she will call. Her voice will be happy, and she will talk as if nothing happened and it has only been a few days since we talked.
If I did not love my mother I would just let her go. But I love her. I want her, however she will come to me. I still want her.
Over the years I think I come to the point when I balance, I can take what she can give, accept it. But not today, today Im hurt.
Should I try counseling? Should I just let go (as one as my brother has) and cut off contact?
Sorry for rambling.
I know exactly how you feel. My mother is bi-polar as well and I tried to take the love when she could give and absorb the abuse when that cycle came around. Two years ago that changed. She had an episode the week of my wedding and just went off the rails. Drinking, mixing up her meds which led to her drunk and slobbering over my new family and insulting my new husband enough he cried on our wedding night. That night I decided enough is enough and I broke off all contact.
My husband and I moved across the country and I started therapy. I really struggled about what to do, to call or to just close the door for good. My therapist was a really amazing lady very straight forward and we started going through bi-polar and borderline personality disorder and what it is and how it affects people. Understanding the illness really helped me start the process of coming to grips with how crazy my childhood really was.
After a while I started to understand that what I thought was normal and everything I thought was true was not. I wanted a parent so badly that any time my mom was remotely normal I kept a hold of that and told myself that she did love me. Now that I have had time to look back and be more objective I realized she is just not capable of love. Not the kind of love kids want from their parents. I wanted to believe that was the case and I did everything from buy her a house, car, computer to try and make her life better. All she was doing was manipulating me in to getting the things that she wanted.
Long story short, counseling helped me a lot but I think my therapist was very much on the side of the children of mentally ill parents. I found other groups try very hard to make you feel guilty and try to get you to take care of mentally ill family members. Sometimes this can work but sometimes cutting off contact is the best option. My therapist worked with me to help me figure out what is best for me and my well being. I came to the conclusion that cutting off all contact for good was the best thing for me. She was destroying my life, my new family and my sanity. A bit dramatic I know but all the drama from her life took a huge tole on me and how I was able to live my life. I think counseling is a great idea but just make sure the person or group you go to talk to is a good fit for you.
I just came across this site after having a huge blowout with my bi polar mother…she basically carried on how much of a terrible person i am i am 27 and have dealt with her highs and lows since i was 14 one minutes she loves me with all her heart and 4 hours later she cant believe i am her child because of how selfish and mean i am i know that she does not mean it but it does not hurt any less she has attempted sucide at least 10 times and im the one who calls 911 and runs to the hospital i would think i would be used to this by now but im not each time she has an episode she finds something more hurtful to say i would love to be able to walk away but fear this would be the episode that puts her over the edge of no return and i would not want that guilt on my shoulders for life its nice to know other people know how i feel and im not alone
At Ashley and all the children that have bipolar mothers. I have been having a terrible time with my abusive mother. The worst part is that I’m adopted and took my parents in with me and my husband and children when my father was diagnosed with lung cancer. He passed away right before hurricane sandy. I’m having a terrible time with her now. She is terrible and I almost feel like I hate her. She is still here with me and she was also terrible to my father in his last dying days. I am in therapy and would welcome a connection with someone who would like to share some dialog and even chat about this. I am ready to have her move out. I can no longer look after her as whatever I do is never enough. I’m the terrible daughter.
I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate reading your post about your mom sometimes I feel like I’m the only one going through this a lot of the same.. things you talk about with your mom I have also went through I have really had a hard time dealing with this please feel free to email me if you would like to talk
I have a very similar story, except that my stepdad wanted a divorce and my younger sister stayed behind with him while my bipolar mom moved to New Mexico so that they wouldn’t take the car away from her. My ex stepdad was a jerk too. More of an idiot. Not the brightest guy. But my sister was the product of a seriously messed up house hold. Our mother is abusive verbally, delusional, unfair, etc. Everything a bipolar person is. Some of the bipolar people who vented on this blog sound like my mother. So, when my mom left, not only did she blame my stepdad for wanted to divorce her but she also blamed my sister. She said my sister sided with her dad and that it meant she was a “little bitch who manipulated her dad so she could be the woman of the house.” I see that she was a messed up girl from the neglect of her dad and the abuse from our mother. I have no idea sometimes if it’s the illness or if my mom is just a selfish jerk. She wanted me to cut my sister off. Was furious that we were still in touch. Said she wouldn’t come To my wedding and also threatened to cut me off. I told her that if she threatened me, I’D cut her off. I just had a baby. He’s five months old and she has no date set to visit. She keeps saying how she’s homeless and has no money…she chose to live in a homeless shelter even though she has a place to stay. She chose to go to school full time instead of get a job. She gets disability money, although it’s not much. It would cost her 200 dollars to visit. That’s it. She has known the baby was coming for over a year and made no arrangements. I am hurt by her but I also sort of don’t like her. I have some good memories with her (when she’s well, she has a great sense of humor). I am filled with anxiety and she is often at the root of it. I have had years of therapy for my childhood trauma. The ONLY thing that has worked at all is limiting my contact with her. I start to feel guilty if I don’t try and keep her in my life. I also get anxious the more we are in contact. I should mention, I live in CA. She lives in NM. My advice, if you can do it, limit her presence…if you can find the strength, cut her off. I keep thinking that I’d be more sad and distraught if I cut her off completely…but I wouldn’t be disappointed and upset anymore. I don’t know what’s worse. I’m thinking of joining a support group for family members of people with bipolar disorder. It’s good to talk to people who are going through it.
I just came across this website and almost cried while reading your story because it could just as easily have been written by me. It makes me feel better knowing that there are other people out there who know what I have been going through. I love my bipolar mother very much (obviously, she’s my mom), but I have been dealing with her ups and downs for almost 20 years now. She can be so fun to be around when she takes her medication, but like so many bipolar people, she goes off of it as soon as she starts to feel better, and then the cycle starts all over again. This last time has been the worst. Last May she told me she was going to go off her meds (after we had been getting along really well with her back on them) because they made her gain 5 lbs (she also battles anorexia). I begged her to stay on the medication and even said, “You drive me crazy when you go off your meds and crash.” and she said to me, “I would rather drive everyone around me crazy than get fat.” I realized by that statement that she had already gone off the meds. The next month, the bad time started up again. She kept asking me if she could go with me and my husband on our vacation for our wedding anniversary on the 4th of July. After the 3rd time of telling her that she can’t go with me on a romantic vacation with my husband, she went off the deep end. She called me a bad mother because I was taking my kids to my dad and his new wife’s house to watch the kids while I went out of town. My dad happened to live in the state my husband and I were vacationing in, and my kids only get to see their grandpa about twice a year. My mom insists that my dad beat her when they were married, but I never witnessed any of that. My mother gets these ideas in her head, and then the more she thinks about them, the more they become real to her. Some of the things she says to me are so hurtful. She recently told me that she is ashamed of me and she feels sorry for me, while quoting scripture to me at the same time, because I had the nerve to tell her that she needs to go back on her medication. I don’t understand why they don’t stay on the medication that makes them feel better? She’s really digging in her heels this time about refusing to take her medication. It’s been 6 months since she’s been off of them and she’s getting worse. I think I have to cut ties with her and it’s breaking my heart. I can’t imagine what my stepfather goes through with her on a daily basis. He is absolutely the most patient man I’ve ever met. I feel so guilty, I feel like I’m turning my back on my mother, but I’m so sick, physically sick, from being treated so meanly by her. I can’t understand what would bring a mother to say such mean things to her own daughter. I could go on and on here but I’ll stop now. I just want to say that I’m also terrified that my daughter might one day feel about me the way I feel about my own mother. I think I need to break away from my mother so that I can feel better and maybe my husband and kids can finally have a calm and drama-free life (to the point that that’s possible in any home). It’s not good for my kids to see me upset like this. A friend of mine told me that I need to get better so I can take care of my family, the way you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first in an airplane before you put it on your kids. If anyone reads this and has any insight or advice, I would welcome it very much.
I am a bipolar mother of two, and it is very hurtful to read your story. My kids r my world, and yes its very hard at times, I have a wonderful husband that understands and I hope my kids will to. But to have your mother locked up every to years is just crazy, u need to be there for your mom. This is a condition that most people can’t control and I think your the one that needs to be a little education about being bipolar.
Thank You..Anonymous. The value of education, is understated tremendously. There, are so many factors, triggers, and life woes that attribute to a diagnosis. Bipolar Disorder, is no exception. My Mother, was a wonderful person before diagnosis and she is a wonderful person, over fifteenpersonhope, your children will understand
You’re kidding me, right? She’s wrong for feeling the way she feels about her mom? Bi-polar mothers blow me away thinking EVERYTHING is about them. Yeah, you have the disorder but guess what? Us kids suffer through it right along with you. Try to have some compassion for the unbelievable we experience. Unbelievable!
You are the one who has no compassion. I chose not to have children because i don’t want them to go through the absolute HELL i went through with a rageful hateful person who took her rage out on 3 innocent children their entire lives. Children who go through that deserve peace and finding it is hard enough without people like you telling them they need to take care of their parent who delivered a hellish life onto them. Many of us will never find that peace, but we need to do whatever we can to attain just a little part of it. Not that you care. lol.
I agree I have been bipolar for years and a mom of 3 grown children.
I know my illness affected my kids but
it sure didn’t bother them enough that they could pretend to love me
I was the one they turned to when they needed money or a place to live for free.
I do not regret helping them but they would get angry and blame everything on my bipolar mood swings . my husband if 20 yrs knew about my illness. Before we married .he seemed fine but now has cut me off emotionally and physically.he told me he can treat me how he wants and I never thought that a bipolar person could be abused and it is ok no one believes them !i consider bipolar a curse.i am under a dr scare and stable yet I am nothing more than a doormat for my husband and I’m. Just ignored and screamed at no matter what I say or do! my whole family has cut ties with me and I begged them to educate themselves on bipolar disorder but no one bothered I am sick I’m not a monster I am human and I have real feelings I bleed just like everyone else.i don’t feel sorry for myself but I do feel sorry for the shallow ppl in my life that bailed on me. I am a survivor and I will be fine but to turn your back on a family member is just wrong and I hope the day never comes that them or their children are diagnosed with this curse.
I am a true believer in karma what comes around goes around
And btw I am 2 classes away from an associates degree in criminal justice with a 3.9 gpa!
bipolar but intelligent
I feel for anyone witth BPD!
So selfish of you to say that.
And the Bi-Polar mothers replying in this blog are exhibiting the VERY behaviour that drives their loved ones away people come to this blog to support each other in dealing with their bi-polar family members and in typical bipolar fashion the bipolar affected person stalks these blogs and forums to abuse anyone that shares their experiences with this disorder and to try and blame others to justify THEIR BEHAVIOUR PROBLEMS …….. and they wonder why we shut them out ????? BI-POLAR affected people will sometimes NEVER accept that THEIR behaviour is the problem!!!! they suffer from POOR ME syndrome also and will use any excuse to EXCUSE THEIR behaviour medicated or un-medicated SAD SAD SAD disorder I QUESTION the excuses made for the S&*T you put your families through and NOW complete strangers on blogs???? GET AWAY with ya!!! GET HELP!!! I now no longer take any crap from my bipolar mother in-law because she feeds off the drama LOVES IT because she is so ridden with guilt and rage and self-pity for HER BEHAVIOUR that she tries to draw you into her false reality…….. just shut them off only way to get rid of the BULL and i don’t apologise for having this approach YOUR HEALTH and YOUR CHILDRENS health depend on it don’t waste your time let them know i no longer wish to be in contact with you until you sort out your mental health problems we love you but WE ARE IMPORTANT TOO!!! LIFE is too short GET ON with your life let the bi-polar affected person wallow in their self-loathing and get shot of them SIMPLE !!! maybe one day they may be recovered enough to be a part of your life again maybe not i know my MIL won’t because she is in denial and un-medicated you cannot help someone who won’t help themselves 🙂
Just to be clear, I don’t discourage bipolar people from commenting here.
Those getting treatment and seeking support for it will find advice here on how their illness affects others.
Those wishing to complain about their treatment elsewhere who voluntarily post here usually serve as an example of typical behavior for those not familiar with bipolar.
Thank you , nobody has mentioned how hard they have worked to educate , assist with meds or recognize triggers. I bet if it was cancer be on the internet everyday studying .no it’s not easy but with education and support by understanding the disease , and not making it a selfish character issue, it makes it easier , or at least
In my case . Otherwise , just
Put us all down
I am a bipolar mother (diagnosed 5 years ago). I take my medications, go to therapy on a regular basis, and see a psychiatrist monthly. The anger part of being bipolar represents as anxiety with me. I grew up in constant conflict, so I, by all means, avoid it and I can not stand drama. Dear God, I have only read a few of your comments and they are horrible. Both of my parents were bipolar and I took care of them. They brought me into this world. I didn’t allow them to abuse me (when I got older), but I sure didn’t abandon them. What a selfish lot of you. May your kids abandon you when you need them. This page is horrible and so are all of you that treat your parents this way.
Karen,
I agree with Megan that you should be proud that you recognize you have the disease and you are taking steps to address it with medication and seeing a psychiatrist regularly. However, your comment that we are all selfish for “abandoning” our mothers shows that you are not able to understand the hurt and pain that your disease can cause others. A lack of empathy is a clear symptom of the disease, and if you aren’t able to develop this, you are at risk of damaging your children. You simply won’t be able to understand when you are crossing the line into a world of hurt for others.
I hope you don’t take offense to this reply as I’m afraid you will. Why don’t you talk over your reaction with your psychiatrist? Your children’s well-being is at stake, so I hope that provides motivation for you.
And for everyone else, I hope Karen’s comments provide context for the guilt our bipolar mothers often place on us. It’s always “our fault” in their eyes. It’s so important to remember that it’s not.
Oh my what would you do if you saw your children locked in a room with a hateful rageful person for 18 years. The fact that you would call them selfish for doing whatever they could to save their sanity after that shows what kind of mother you really are. I feel for your kids.
I’m 1000 percent with you Karen. God help all of you that abandon your parents with this terrible disease, or any disease. Oh and may you all be reminded that it is capable of jumping generations. What a selfish generation this is. I gave my son everything, and he turned on me in my time of need. But God help him, maybe his children will do the same to him. Funny how life works out. We all think the grass is greener on the other side. Nobody is perfect, and we all have faults. I’m sure your mother did the best she could. You are lucky you even had a mom. There are girls/boys out there that would give anything to have their moms again, even if they were bipolar. Yes, i am aware of what bipolar is. Remember you reap
what you sow, and forgiveness is hard, but, I’m sure your mom would forgive you. I’m sure she did whatever she could for you, but I’m sure you forgot about that. I’m not writing this to anger you, and I’m sure you carry anger that is deserving, but not enough for you to actually hate her. This generation is so sad. Nobody is perfect. Remember your child might just find faults in you one day, and decide to leave you in heartbreak. What comes around goes around. Your mom did not ask for that disease, it picked her.
I so agree with you!
I first remember my mum having an episode when I was ten. She divorced my dad and I have lived with and supported her ever since. I have been truly shocked by the way some of the people here feel. However I understand that living with a bipolar parent can be like living with an alcoholic or drug addict, I am lucky enough to say that I have never been physically abused. Although everybodys situation is different, and if I’m honest of course iv thought abouthow my life wwould be so much more simple if I just disappeared abd started fresh but fundamentally I share a huge bond with my mum and am very close to the person that she is when not in the grips of her illness. I find mania almost easier to deal with than depression. The illness is almost tangible with mania. But seeing what my wonderful mother has been reduced to when the depression comes breaks my heart and I can’t bear to leave her. She has been through so much in her life I can’t let her give up now. I feel desperately trapped as I basically live the life of a bipolar sufferers but through the eyes of sanity. There’s so much I want to do withmy life but i can’t. But I can’t live with the guilt of knowing I didn’t help when I could.
How dare you make me feel selfish for abandoning my mother..
My mom has been bipolar all her life and I’m he third son. He oldest son is 6 years older than me and SHE abandoned him in Denmark and went to Sweden. She has not been seeking contact with him at all for the latest fifteen years. Even not to say cheers on his birthdays.
I got beaten up with sticks as a kid, but thought this was normal. I went to school as a ten year old and took a knife to scare a girl with, since I grew up seeing my mom do dad to my father.
As a 20 year old I moved about a 6 our drive away for studies. I then cancelled my studies after a year and came back to work up some money before studying again.
As a 21 year old I thought about taking my own life every day for at least 6 months. My eyes started squinting from the depression and then one night I woke up in an ambulance. It seems that I got epileptic seizures due to my anxiety… And this happened twice.
She lit fire under cars outside my window and I was the one having to run there to let the fire out, afraid of it exploding.
The police got to come and get her one day when she was screaming at my dad’s employees and threw thing to crash the window of a car. The feeling of holding your own mom around the neck until a police comes to get her is quite destroying to you as a person.
The crash of them later saying that there’s no problem with her or her doctor who’s saying that she isn’t manic and the problem is me and my dad, not her illness. The feeling of hearing my mom screaming at me that it’s a shame that I did not dare to kill myself, when I told her how depressed I was…
It all made me move to another country. I wanted to be too far away to be able to help her and my depressed father. Still I’m feeling guilt.. not for her much more, but for my father who can’t find the strength to do the same as me and my brother has done. My father who came me when he tried to kill himself. My father who none of his five children has the strength too keep in touch with because of his screwed up life dragging us down into a young life of misery.
He does not want to take help and thereby change.
But thanks, for making me feel guilt for leaving my mother as she left her son. Thanks. I should have stayed there until my depression made me stick that knife thorough my stomach like I tried not to for six months.
Good. advice very true and helpful. thanks for the sincerity. in time i look forward to posting a better more fufilled educated me. wishing you only the best. unknown dough
I’ve had this illness for 15+ years , I was in denial though and said it was wrong they ad made a mistake . I was put on lithium and I still couldn’t think they got it wrong . I started to self medicate with illegal heavy drugs made the worst choices of my life’ when ever I put the drugs down I noticed it was back the madness I’d be manic doing the maddest but normal to me ‘ cut along story short ‘ I didn’t realize it was worse than ever ‘ I thought I was in a good place , I got back with an ex from 15ye ago he was brill with me when I was on the units , and when I finally came home. Xmas time he was horrible to me ( cruel infact ) he would kick me out of the house bringing up all my past. I thought and felt it was ok and brill to be bk with him , no one else thought So he as changed I said . That was the first thing is done to know it wasn’t what I do . I believed him . I’ve managed it well for years an it at it’s worse now , I’m living with my daughter at present . I do get on her nerves , he wants me to go bk , I feel alone lost hopeless . Help
I speak from experience telling you that your daughter will probably do anything to help you be healthy, normal, and balanced. Physically , mentally , and emotionally. Leave men alone, and get yourself together. Stop distracting yourself with bull drama, and care about what and who are important . You and your daughter . Be the kind of mom that she can go shopping with . Be the kind of mom she can lean on when she had a bad day, not the other way around. You can do it. A step at a time. Stay focused and you can truly begin living life. Trust in God. He WILL help you.
I am the adult daughter of a Bipolar mother. Mostly I feel motherless. Some of the memories from my childhood are emotionally and mentally horrific although thank goodness I was never physically abused. I think as a young child I suffered in lonely silence because I was terrified and confused and needed a mother and had to not only raise myself starting at a young age, but be the person for my mother to lean on. I left home at 18 for college which I paid for myself and I never returned. The pain and scars are deep and if you haven’t experienced it, it is difficult to understand. I have 4 young children and I keep a long distance between them and my mother. I try to be everything to them that I never had.
I feel we had the same childhood had some physical abuse mostly when I became a teen… .. Lack of both a mother and father …. It’s amazing how strong and resilient we can be… I’m proud of you….. We must break the cycle… Be better mothers… For our children… And never forget for yourself
I know exactly how u feel, i’m 45, and my mother has been bipolar since as far back as i can remember about 3 i was, i have always felt motherless, and all that goes with it, so much to say, would take a lifetime. pauline 29th august 14
Hello there friend, I am 19 and have a bipolar mother is well. It was not until recently that i fully understood the gravity of this and how it weighed in on my experience with her. My mother only contacts me over text message, occasionally, and most always because she is drunk. I recently had a fallout with my mother over text messaging in which she told me that i was not her son anymore and never to contact her again. During this fallout I told her that i wanted to have a rational conversation in which we communicated our respective understanding of our relationship and through that, achieved some mutual understanding. The entire time she just attacked my character, my father’s character, and in no way contributed anything constructive to the problem at hand. I explained to her that i felt a mother should love her child unconditionally and regard from her should reflect that, and that i did not feel we had that kind of relationship. She completely ignored what i said and continued to have some petty argument with me while i was continued to think critically in order to find some wholesome concordance. I do not think that that concordance exists.
Yeah, it just happened with me… again… i hate having these nonsense conversations, its useless, she just can’t understand my point of view, it seems like she even hear ou read what I say, she build a wall aroud her with her way to see the world and people around her. She aways says that I want her to be a perfect mother or says that I’m judging her lifestyle, things like that… but I never sayd that, actually I aways hear her trying to understand what’s going on… but it’s a one way road and I really wanted to be heard too 😦
@michelle Yeah, same thing is happpening with me. I got into a fight w my mom about something stupid ( the usual) where she had to have a complete tantrum and yell at me for. I stupidly defended myself and yelled back only making the fight worse instead of just giving her the point. My dad says to let her win because bpd is a mental illness but its not as easy as it seems to tell her shes right when she just keeps hurting me verbally. She changed the complete topic of the fight and just started saying how I always compare her with other moms and how I make her feel like an embaressment and that I hate who she is. It made me sortav laugh the way she manipulated me. Firstly, shes the one who constantly is comparing me to everyone and yelling at me all day never really listening to what I have to say. When I tried to tell her that all I want from her is to stop yelling at me, she just said “IM NOT YELLING!” and kept on going with her criticism. Honestly, sometimes I do compare her w other moms ( i dont tell her though).. how could i not? I start to feel jealous of my friends who have such a close blond w their moms and can tell them anything. My mom probobly can tell that i feel this way and for that reason she makes me feel bad about it. I know this is something my mom cant control, and I do love her, but I just dont know what to do anymore.
I have posted on here before, but I still keep up with it and read all the comments and such because it is a continuing help to know that there are always others out there going through the same thing.
A week ago, my mom was apparently trying to kill herself again. She was having issues with her boyfriend (knowing her and him, I’m sure that they were issues that she made up in her own head). She went to our neighbors (we live right by each other) and stayed there and talked to her. She brought a bunch of her stuff and my neighbor had to wrestle many sharp objects away from her. I’m sure she was up for days and majorly screwed up. As usual. I had to hear this from my neighbor. My mother didn’t contact me at all, and hasn’t since. I made the decision not to contact her, because I highly doubted I wanted to be a part of the situation, and she didn’t seem to want me to be either.
I just never know what to do with her. She won’t accept any of her problems. She is always self-medicating. All she can ever think about is herself.
I’m about to graduate a college program I’ve worked my ass off on, and I don’t even know if I want to invite her. She could make it all about her. She could yell or start a fight or ANYTHING. I never know what she is capable of at any particular moment. I’m always fighting with myself about what is right and wrong when it comes to her. I love her so much, and she will always be my mother. But I can’t let her ruin all the good I’ve done in my life.
I followed in her footsteps for a long time. I did drugs, I screwed up, I got in trouble with the law.
Now I’m completely sober, going to school, and doing great.
I can’t let her mess this up. But I want her to get help, not try and kill herself every chance she gets. I never know what to do with her.
One day she is either going to finally commit suicide or die of a drug overdose. And I want her to get the help she needs before then.
But she’s too busy pointing the finger at anyone and everyone else to ever look in the mirror and realize that SHE is the problem, not anyone else.
*edited for profanity
I’m 24 years old and I have a 4 year old son. We live at home with mother, who is mentally ill. I couldn’t help but reach out to you for advice or guidance on what to do. Besides the suicidal act; everything else that you described how your mother is, that’s how my mother. I don’t know what to do. The drama, false accusations, the denial, the manipulation, the threatening. I can keep going. I’ve tried helping my mother so much financially and emotionally, I’ve tried making sense to her irrational behaviors like you had said, but I can’t. I know she needs help and have accepted that I can’t help her, help herself. This has taken a tole on me and my son, he’s so young, innocent, happy and I feel so helpless and lost. I know that I need to move out and that’s what I’m trying to do. I’m seeking all the correct ways; I don’t know what steps I need to take that doesn’t involve me loosing my son. I have a bit of money saved up but it’s not enough to make it on my own. Tonight, we argued and she told me ever since I came into her life I’ve messed it up and she wants me out. I don’t take her words to heart, I’m numb to it. I’m more so worried about my son and just feel the pressure building up and afraid that my mothers actions are just going to escalate.
I’ve been trying to describe what it is I’m dealing with for about a year and you are the first person that has said and described everything I’m going through so simple and understanding. Thank you so much. I hope to hear from you.
Hi there, your my PST is some time ago but I wanted to reply,
I am a Mother if a now adult Daughter with BPD, I also have a Son, when she was a Teenager the whole family suffered with her horrific lies and constant trouble to the door, As an adult
Now with 3 children from 6-18 yrs she has made their upbringing hell, my eldest G.Daughter self harms, it’s heartbreaking, those of us who suffer from a family member with BPD live a life of hell from massive accusations and it eventually drags You down to not not coping, we are the ones who suffer from all their me, me, me drama and they feel NO empathy for the life they throw you,
Khayla , don’t feel bad for protecting your family…I’ve done the same.. It’s not easy…
My mother was diagnosed as bipolar when I was 17… She was a single mother I will never deny all she went thru to give me a financially stable childhood.. But children need more than money… My mother never understood that.. I would have given anything just to have her nurturing side.. Like other mothers.. One who listens.. Gives Advice… Who shares joy.. Someone I could trust… Not my mother .. .my sister and I were removed by child services… She is incredibly smart and uses it to manipulate without care… It has taken much to grow part the emotional aspect of growing up with her… I wished many times I would have been removed sooner… She made me feel a if it was me always lying… Mood swings… In school I was an emotional wreck… I grew…. I still deal with anxiety… Migraines..yet found now 30 and have found thru creative releases .. Living a peaceful life…on my own.
My sister from a distance(she was smart to distance her self) I can see she has grown healthy.. Happy and stable.. With her new family… I’m glad she didn’t endure what our mother put me thru
My mother abandoned my grandmother.. (her mother) when she became a widow and left her at my home when I was 19 I proudly.. And with much strife took and continue to care for her…I owe My grandmother my life… I am sane because of her influence her affection throughout my childhood.. Iwas sent to her when my mother had enough… And back and forth all my life… New schools every year… No father at home… No real family… No culture.. No one to trust
I now have a family of my own.. And have tried to have mother in my life… Especially after finding out she has cancer… In remission now… It has been…. I have no words to describe… Trying to be there for someone.. Who always wants more… Who yells.. Insults.. Threats… … But like you . I got used to it I managed to ignore or walk away.. . She has no care for the damage she causes…
When she threatened to call the police… During a stay at my home… When she acted up in front of my son… When I had to leave my home to finish his homework.. It was the last straw..
I couldn’t just ask her to leave… Although I did… She never listened… I had to pack her bags and send her on her way…. In the past I had… Placed her in a hote… Rent her a car.. If needed…I’m not rich… But I couldn’t just leave her….
But this time… I just had to walk away… It has been a year now….
I think if her often… I hear she still has hatred in her heart… I don’t believe in possession but it is like she is taken over… Full of envy… She is jelous of my grandmother… Says I should take care of her… How could I do it all….
I’m glad to have found this blog and this summarized version of my life with a bipolar mother… Has many gaps… But you are not alone… I feel strong… I feel I have to be …. We can only do what we can and if she finds a way to try to ruin your life… Walking away will allow you to heal… I will always love her and if she finds humility…. I will be here with open arms… Until that day…. I will protect my family.. From her influence… Even though she is my mother….
I read this last night and i got to the part of this and i dont who had sent. Uthis to me i have a few friends that have the thing. And first thing i ask is does she have a. Urinary. Infection? When my my turned into a monster. Right away that was the first thing. I had checked. If your Mom is bi- polar is she taking her meds? I went thru it bad and it was so sad when something takes over her. Brain.ill read it for my answer! K?
This is the first time I have ever replied to any blog, reading this I had to stop and think if I had wrote this. I constantly feel guilty because i can barely take a 5 minute call before we are screaming at each other. Thank you so much!
I have been dealing with a mother with bipola for 9 years and it has been the most draining time of my life, i am only 21 and i always feel like i am in the wrong. though i know shes over reacted or what she has said doesnt make sense i jsut dont know how to deal with her but i dont want to leave her because she does become so self inflictant and suicidle.
My mother is the same way and I don’t like it because one minute her actions towards me can be really nice and the next she can be mean and abusive and have a very nasty attitude towards my grandma who is 95 years old and towards me and i just turned 34 two weeks ago. and then when we are around other people she has a nerve to be nice and show the good side of her but when we are at home all hell breaks loose. and she accuses me for arguing cursing and fighting and i don’t do none of those ungodly things and ther was times that she threatened to call the police on me and i didn’t even do nothing to her. Her attitude towards me is causing my self esteem to just go down hill it has caused me to feel like as if i am worth nothing and there was times that it caused me have a lack of confidence and giving up in everything not only just school but other things too like babysitting my grandma just this past week my mother was acting very childish and immature and she really doesn’t love me and she never uses her inside voice when it comes to talking to me instead she yells and screams at me.
im 48 years old abd have bipolar depression now divorced w 3 children and i wouldnt wish this illness on any living person,It ruined my marriage kids and entire family.I think they should have a group or meetings for adults having this illness,I recently just learned the computer because of this illness…theres so much more to say so i wish someone can respond to me soon.
I am glad that you are on here. It is a shock for me to see such a post. A bipolar person admitting their wrongs. I’m sorry if this offends you. My mother is bipolar, and I believe sometiems she uses it as an excuse for everything she has ever done or said to me. I know sometimes she knows what she’s doing. My sister and I have watched her, as she speaks with one of us, she looks at the other, as if she wants them to be jealous that she’s giving them attention and not the other. She is so mean. I am 32 years old and have put up with this my entire life. I cannot take it anymore. I do not understand the whole bipolar thing, so please forgive me if I hurt your feelings. I am just trying to get all of this out of me, because I have held it in for all of my life. I never knew anyone else was going through this. I thought I was the only one being abuse, and mistreated. I thought I was such a bad child, and such a bad person. And I haven’t even done anything. So…..if you can keep from hurting your kids through your illness, please try to do so. And if you can’t, then tell them you are having a bad day and need to take some time for yourself or something. I understand that people who are bipolar are sick it is and illness. But I do not understand, how it is fair for the doctors and whoever to take up with the ill person, when there are two sides. What about the people that are hurting and being destroyed? What about there mentality. Doesn’t it mean anything to anyone? Aren’t they just as important as the ill person? I have so many questions. Thank you for reading, thank you for sharing, and again I apologize if I have hurt anyone’s feelings. 🙂 ❤
I just read your post and came into tears because I felt as if I were reading my own story. I did not know any other person with a mother like mine. I made a post toward the bottom of this page if you would like to read some of my story. I’m so sorry you have had to live this way. I have no children and my mom has not been committed anywhere. I have went a few times not talking to her. twice was a year each time. It bothered so much not to have her in my life, so as usual I would always go back to her. Taking all the blame for whatever had happened. I’ve always had to be the strong person for my entire family. I am 32 years old, and I feel as if I have had no life at all. My life has been totally surrounded by all the drama from my mother. She has done so many thing to me and said thing that I have never heard another mother say to her children, even as adults. I am so sick and tired of all of it. I have held this in all of my life. I feel as if there is something in me that just wants to come out. Because of my holding all this in for so long. I can’t even truly enjoy my marriage, because my mother makes our lives so miserable. She told me once that she went to see a psychiatrist and he told her, she could have me and my baby sister arrested for mentally abusing her. We have not done anything except try to stay away from her, for fear of what she might say or do. My niece and two nephews have experienced a few things from my mother, and they are only 9, 5, and 4. I told my sister, if that were me, our mother would not see my children. My husband already said if we ever have children that my mother would not be allowed to see them. I am terrified and petrified of my mother. And the worst part is, my step dad holds her up. And when she comes at us, my sisters and myself, he tells us he will hit us, or call the law on us if we talk to her in a bad way. And we don’t, we just try and defend ourselves. But it’s hopeless. I’m also scared to let her know when I’m having a happy day. Or, when something good happens to me. Because she is constantly putting me down and calling me names. She makes me feel like I should have never been born. I am a christian, and I have been praying about this for a long, long time. I almost feel as if I am supposed to just walk away and not turn back. But a huge part of me is saying hang on, because she just might come around. I don’t know what to do. So much has been done and said to me, that I don’t even know what kind of person I am, or what kind of things I truly like. I feel so messed up, and so damaged, and so broken. Thank you reading this. Thank you for sharing you story. HUGS to you and your family. ❤
Bipolar is not a character flaw it is an actual physiologic disease. I am a medical professional. I have bipolar. Blaming the person with bipolar for their mood swings is like blaming a diabetic because their pancreas does not produce insulin. We are all entitled to our feelings. We are not entitled to be ignorant.
UNLESS they are not getting help with it, or deny that they have it. Then it is a character flaw.
I don’t think anyone on here thinks that bipolar is a character flaw. We all recognize that it’s a terrible disease that has taken away a precious relationship. However, just as no one should take abuse from an alcoholic (even though they have a disease), no one should take abuse from someone who suffers from bipolar. I’m betting your statement is the result of knowing deep down that you cause hurt to others but don’t want to take responsibility for it. Rather, it’s easier to say (and believe) that others are “ignorant.”
Oh? I have been responsible for getting “sensitive” when my mom treats me as inferior. She has been put on the pedestal of never having to take responsibility. I was always placed on the lower end of the pedestal while she distorts reality and likes to paint pictures rather than face reality.
She always has to say hurtful things. If anyone says anything nice about me, she zones out and it will not register as if she’s already had her views distorted and twisted and I’m not intelligent or worth as much as her boys. I’m a girl and in her delusional world im not good enough not worth listening to. It’s frustrating and I’ve had PTSD over it. Used to want to kill myself.
Has anyone ever thought that perhaps putting people on this realm of not being held responsible for what they say and do instead appointing someone else as their voodoo doll to be held responsible it’s holding the person with bi-polar back?
My mother doesn’t seem like she’s even there. Like she’s floating on a cloud and her eyes seem far away when someone talks. She was diagnosed with bi-polar.
How about this. You think your feelings are hurt? How many people come in to defend you because of your bi-polar? Now think how it must feel if you have someone belittling you, treating you as your feelings don’t matter, hurting you, telling you they are sending you to an orphanage, coming up with lies about you and it’s all your fault because you’re upset while the person doing this to you isn’t held accountable and you are held accountable for it.
How about, do something. Stop pretending you cannot do anything when you can. Awareness is key. If nobody is making you aware at that time and instead treating other people you are hurting as though it’s their fault, you will never feel any need to change yourself.
Yes, you can do it. You need help stop blaming people that you are hurting.
I am just begining the life as the daughter of a bipolar mother. Im 25 and for the last nine months my mother has been manic. She filed for divorce from my father a man devoted to her for 26 years, she spent thier life savings, she stole money out of my bank account by forging my signature, she told people that my brother was a drug addict ( a lie) and that my dad was a cheater (another lie) she has meddled in my relationship way past the point of normal parent meddling accused me of stealing and threatened to sue me. My mother and I were very close and talked every day before she started her episode. Now I cringe when I see her name flash across my phone, my stomach turns when I get an email. I morn her like she is dead, and sometime as horrible as this sounds I wish she were. Every day is a new emotional or financial blow I fluctuate between anger and cold indifference towards her. Its the most upsetting thing to face she is my mom and for 25 years she was a good mom now I feel like she is a monster. I have known other bipolar people and have a close friendship with one of them. I never had these feelings towards her even when she was manic. She has been so supportive through everything and gives me hope that maybe ill get my mother back. But I agree with you, sometimes you need to pull away, I cant help my mom, all attempts at a commitment have failed, only she can make the decision to get help and until that happens I dont have a mother andim getting ready to accept that I might not get her back.
I am a psychotherapist and totally relate to your story; I have the same one..my mother also has borderline traits with the bipolar d. Good luck to you and your family..fill your life with the peace you deserve. Big hugs..
This is such an old post but need to thank you. I have tried my best with my bipolar mom and she has exactly everything you have listed here. I need to move on cut her off for my own health. Thank you
I’m not sure if you still are reading this post, but I have a bi-polar mother who was recently diagnosed and she is incredibly mean and malicious. She tried to commit suicide in March 2015 and now October, 2015, she is manic, spent over $100,000.00 in two months and is abusive to me and my family. I am a lawyer and she constantly yells at me telling me that I am the worst lawyer and mother (I have 3 small children). She calls my inlaws telling them that I am horrible and also telling them that I am a criminal and that unless they speak with me about my behavior, she will get me disbarred which will mean that my husband will have to work twice as hard to support my family. I know she is sick, but I cannot take her abuse anymore and have decided to stop all contact with her. If anyone is going through something similar, I would love to speak with you. Thank you. Polina R.
to: Diane H.
I just googled how to live with a bipolar Mom and your words are the first I’ve read. I am thankful for your honesty. Everything you said is exactly how I feel and have been through to the t. It helped me to not feel so alone.
Thank you
There’s nothing I can say about my experiences with my bipolar mother that hasn’t already been said here. I grew up with a mother either laying on the coach on lithium and Valium, with various other “wack” meds, or the other extreme of running up behind me and kicking me in the back or trying to yank chunks of hair out of my head. The “me, me, me, & I, I, I attitude, the “shopping addiction”, excuses, debates, nothing being good enough, jealousy & revenge tactics & every single dime available bursting into flames in her pocket. Add to that a psycho father who was in & out of jail for literally trying to murder us constantly and threatening to kill my mother and keep me as a “sex slave”. He would also tear up the house & say he didn’t do it, that “Robin did”. (My name is Robin, however the Robin he was referring to was his male “alter ego”) Yeah. And yet, I went to nationals in dressage at the age of 12, was always on the honor roll with straight A’s during my school years, and I am “okay”. (Pissed off usually, but “okay”) I may not remember entire chunks or years of my life due to blocking them out, but it is what it is, and probably for the better. The point is…you’re stuck with it for the most part. Focus on yourself, and the ones you hold close who actually ARE able to carry on coherent conversations, and just try to keep the “problem” from shaving its damn fool head in the bathtub one day, or something…really it’s a day-to-day basis with them because you never know what the next day will bring. My mom is near 70 now, and yes, I do live with her because I doubt that she could live alone. I’ve been either living with or within walking distance of her my entire life. I love my mother and I treat her well and with respect, but you can love someone and still stand there looking at them while fantasizing that you’re really ripping their head off. However, I will never “dump” my mother and leave, because I “just can’t handle it”; a statement of which I’ve seen made in comments in this thread. If you have children that are exposed to it, I would think that you could attempt to educate them and put them into a state of mind to better deal with it, unless you’re just lazy and don’t give a damn. Due to my history and our culture and system of “sink or swim” in the States, (I’m not sorry that this is solely my opinion and you can get angry if you want, I don’t care), most of us are messed up in some form or another. It’s called “life”. You are in complete control of how YOU feel.
I totally feel you. I’m 33 years old living with my bipolar mother who refuses to accept she’s bipolar even if 4 of her brothers & sisters are severely ill & her father as well.
I was married for 3 years & she couldn’t accept that. She told me everything she could think off to destroy me & eventually my ex husband saw how much she put me down & he asked me to cut her off or leave him! I ended up leaving him & I honestly regret it.
My mother cheats on my dad & make me be quiet about it or she gets aggressive & bullies me. I’m an immigrant who moved to the U.S 12 years ago, my father obliged me to move & not knowing what was there for me or not. I recently got my green card & im looking for a job just to move out because honestly I want to
Kill myself thinking I’m stuck with such a crazy woman. Sometimes it hurts because it’s my
Mother & I can’t get another one, but then I see how much she’s hurting me & she does not care or see how sick she is. I’m 33 & I weight 103 lb because I
Just can’t eat I feel so anxious & scared the whole time. My mother destroyed me & ruined my personality, my hopes, my imagination, the “me” in me does not exist anymore. If you are already far from her & can cut her off do it for you & for your children. They don’t deserve to see that & you’ve seen enough.
I wish you the best
MY MOTHER IS BIPOLAR AND TERMINALLY ILL — 51 minutes ago
IM NOT THE SORT OF PERSON THAT TALKS ABOUT THIS AT ALL, EXCEPT TO MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS. I GET MIXED RESPONSES AND NOTHING REALLY SOLID THAT HELPS OR MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. MY MOTHER IS A HUGE PART OF MY LIFE, ALWAYS HAS BEEN. MY FATHER IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND AND WHEN I DID KNOW HIM, HE HID BEHIND GOD AND JUST WASN’T WITH IT. ANYWAY MY MOM HAS BEEN BIPOLAR SINCE I’VE KNOWN HER. ALWAYS YELLING AT ME AND RAGING OVER ABS NOTHING. WHEN I WAS 16 I WENT TO LIVE WITH MY G-MA, I WAS 200 MI AWAY FROM HER. DURING THOSE 6 YEARS MY LIFE WAS SO CALM AND EVERYTHING GOOD, EXCEPT WHEN SHE WOULD CALL AND SCREAM ON THE PHONE OR SHE WAS HAVING PANIC ATTACKS CAUSE SHE THOUGH SPIRITS WERE TAKING OVER HER BODY. IN 04 SHE WAS DIAGNOISED WITH BREAST CANCER LIKE SHE REALLY NEEDED THAT. SHE DROVE ME AND MY GRANDMOTHER CRAZY BECAUSE SHE DID NOT WANT TO GO FOR THE MASCTOMY, BUT SHE HAD TO OR SHE WOULD OF DIED. SHE NEVER WENT FOR THE CHEMO, SHE SAID IT WASN’T WORTH IT WHICH IS HER CHOICE, BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS A DUMB CHOICE. NOW SHE HAS A SPREAD, WHICH SPREAD TO HER LIVER, LUNGS. SHE DECIDED TO DO CHEMO CAUSE THEY GAVE HER 6MOS, WITHOUT IT, BUT SHE’S NOT DOING THE VERY STRONG ONE, BECAUSE SHE DOESNT WANT TO LOOSE HER HAIR. I’VE NEVER BEEN THE TYPE TO REALLY STAND UP TO HER BECAUSE IM AFRAID OF HER AND AS IM GETTING OLDER I JUST SEEM TO RUNAWAY NOW. I DONT KNOW WHY, IS IT BECAUSE IM SO TIRED OF THE ABUSE, WHEN SHE CALLS MY HEART DROPS CAUSE IM EITHER GOING TO GET YELLED AT FOR NOTHING OR SHES JUST GOING TO BE MEAN OR SHES WASTED ON PAIN KILLERS OR SHES MANIC, SHE’S GOTTEN ALOT WORSE. MY FAMILY REALLY DOESNT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER, BUT I FEEL SO GUILTY BECAUSE SHE HAS CANCER AND I DONT KNOW HOW LONG SHES GONNA BE HERE. I STRUGGLE WITH THIS EVERYDAY, IT’S STARTING TO CONSUME MY LIFE. ALL OF MY RELATIONSHIPS WITH FRIENDS AND MY BF ARE FAILING, IM ALWAYS DEPRESSED AND ANXIOUS, LIKE MY NAME SAYS I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE, I CAN’T FIX IT THIS TIME!!
i’ve been recentley trying all these sites for someone to leave me with some feedback thats going through what im going through, im 24.
Hi, Vita –
My mother is bipolar also, and though she is not dying (that I know of), so far in the past seven years she has pretended to have camcer twice and Alzheimer’s, once. The cancer scares were obvious hoaxes, but she really had me believing the Alzheimers one. I know about the guilt you speak of. I’m her only child, and she’s widowed…..plus if the time ever comes that I need to put her in a nursing home, I fear my own three grown children will hate me or at the very least resent me for it. (If I can even do it. I don’t know. Thankfully, that time hasn’t come yet.)
I also can very much relate to your saying you just seem to run away. I do too. It makes it a little easier that I was advised to do so, by two psychiatrists and a medical doctor, plus a handful of therapists.
I get the impression that you’ve simply done all you can do, and that you’re at the end of your rope. I think it’s all right to retreat under those circumstances…..my God, even the Army retreats when it has nothing left to fight with! And this truly is a fight, isn’t it – trying to stay sane and rational, and know which end is up, while dealing with a bipolar loved one.
It sounds to me like you’ve done your best to see to it that your mother is safe and in good care. (She’s very lucky in that respect. Not all mentally ill parents have children who care that much about them. Please give yourself a pat on the back for that, you deserve it.)
I’m wondering, does it help to picture someone else in your shoes, being faced with the same decisions you have to face every day > I mean *all* the decisions. This person does not get more strenth or stamina or support than you – they get a level playing field. They must do this with the resources you have, both inner and outer, and nothing more. Would you be as hard on them, if it was, say, a close friemd, and not you >
I think sometimes we tend to be more merciful toward others, than we do to ourselves. But we need that mercy too, and you can only do so much and take so much.
It sounds like you’re really trying to be there for your mother, when you find those moments of strength….and then only if she’ll let you.
YOu deserve (and I’m guessing desperately need) some time for yourself. My God, you’re only 24….? Wow. That makes me really sad. I have a daughter who’s 24. I can only imagine what it would do to her, to have all this impossible responsibility on her shoulders.
You didn’t make your mom this way, and you can’t make her well. Nor can you make her happy, not if she’s anything like my own mom and the other bipolar peole I know. Being unhappy and unsatisfies is just another very sad part of the disease, and there is nothing you can do.
I hoep you can find a way to set down that bag of guilt long enough to get a good night’s sleep, and go as long as you can tomorrow without picking it up.
I’m guessing it looks a lot like mine, and the damn things are just too heavy to carry.
Give yourself a hug for me if you want one, because I’m sending you one – and just for this one night, give yourself a break.
God bless.
– Forestchild
i have had bi polar since age of 16 .i would rather feel physical pain than suffer this debilitating illness .everyday i fight the demons in my head constantly terrified of going over the edge. feelings of paranioa anxieties not knowing how i will feel tmorro will i feel happy or maybe suicidal the thoughts in youre head become all jumbled up becoming isolated from people of course everyone has different degrees of bi polar unfortunately i have a severe form.i blame myself everyday for my teenage sons upbringing his father was abusive and i was never consistant in setting out bounderies so he grew up without having any consequences i screamed at him like a mad woman his life was totally chaotic i failed him as a mother and i will live with the guilt for the rest og my life i caused his pain and suffering and i will and everytime i look at him its a constant reminder of what i put him through .i love my son from the bottom of my heart and i will try each day to make amends.
dear forest child, i understand what your dealing with. for i have been stressed out my entire life trying to deal with my mothers bi polar sickness. what we need is a support group where we can go and try and to comfort each other and where we can feel we are not alone to deal with it.
I understand to a degree what you’re going through aside from the breast cancer issue. I’m 22 and my mother has been bipolar for as long as I can remember. My parents divorced when I was 7 & ever since then my life has been a living hell with her. She is outrageously jealous of me and always was because my father cared for me & not her. She would threaten to kill me in my sleep, call me stupid all of the time, every name imagineable, prevent me from talking to my father etc. She screamed and yelled at me everyday for absolutely nothing. She would threaten to kick me out of the house all through high school, tell lies to my friends & boyfriend about me.. to say the least. One wrong sentence would set her off off on a war path. When I finally moved to university she threatened to post signs of me all over my school saying that I was a s**t and w***e, drop into my apartment unexpectedly all the time & the final straw occured when she dropped every belonging I had left at home on my front step in the rain. I’m ready to move in with my fiance now & away from her forever. I asked her to call before she comes to visit… bad idea… she thinks she has the right to stop by whenever she wants & is planning on moving to my neighborhood, stalk my house & make sure to tell my fiance about the “men” that come and go apparently. She threatens to kill herself on account of my all of the time. She used to hit me.
All I can say to you is that some people will never get better. My mother feeds of the drama she causes and enjoys my pain. I wish I could tell you to feel sympathy for your mother. But words cannot describe how much I hate my mother for ruining my childhood. I am getting a restraining order against her when I move out. & I will not be at her funeral.
I’m 35 now with a family of my own…my mother was bipolar as long as I can remember, but undiagnosed til I went to college. And like you, I cannot express how much I despise her for ruining my childhood and ,despite never talking to her anymore, she has ruined my adulthood as well. The older I get, the more anxious and depressed I become, and that is because she didn’t provide me with the tools I needed to be a complete person. I understand she has a biological illness…but she never tried to get treatment despite being a nasty irrational b**** my whole childhood. And underneath her illness, she is a selfish thing. I wish I could forgive her, but I am still not able to….I basically hate her and get so ANGRY that I was robbed of a mother/daughter relationship, because I was a damn good daughter and deserved better.
I’m sorry if this is weird. I don’t ever go on these blog things but I just watched Shutter Island and it brought up thoughts about my mother that I had been trying to evade for a while. I currently have a restraining order against my mom after she had me arrested for attempted assault after I threw a remote control at her in one of our heated arguments about nothing. What you just described seems to be my life in a nutshell and it was just amazing to see it coming from someone else. My mom also threatened to drive to my campus and yell about how I’m a s*** and w****. I was just wondering if you ever tried going to therapy at all because I haven’t but am starting to think that its necessary for me to be healthy about the trauma. By the way, I chose to respond to you because I’ll be 20 later this year and saw we were around the same age. Feel free to email me privately.
Heartbreaking.
Wow. I suddently don’t feel so alone. As terrible as it is, it’s nice to know I’m not the only one who had this kind of childhood.
My mom plays the “I’m dying” card regularly…I think she’s had cancer a couple different times now. Every man she meets “rapes” her. She tried to have my ex boyfriend arrested for beating her up and pointing a gun at her. Many many suicide attempts (my first memory to stopping mom from killing heself was age 9).
So here we are in present day. I have a beautiful 4-year-old daughter. I’ve made the decision to remove myself and my daughter from my mothers life. I can NOT take it anymore. From the moment I got pregnant, I swore to God that I wouldn’t let my daughter go through the hell I did. I wouldn’t let my mother damage her like she did me.
Mom has acted up many, MANY times in the past 4 years. But it was geared towards me. I’m used to it. I can handle it. In the fall, she pulled my daughter into her drama. I pulled away. GUILT brought me back…for Christmas. I told her on Christmas that this is the absolute LAST chance. One more psychotic episode and we are gone for GOOD.
She did it again. So I’m done with her. I can’t put my daughter through that mind boggling crap. I feel GOOD about my decision but there is one family memeber throwing GUILT on me. Constant guilt. The guilt is so hard sometimes. Mom used/uses guilt to reel people in, but I’m not talking to her so she’s using a mule to pass the messages of guilt onto me.
I struggle as a parent. I struggle NOT to be that horrible mother that my mother was. She’s the only mother I’ve known. We never had any friends when I was a kid–no aunt to model her mothering or mom’s best friend. Mom fought with everyone. Could/can never keep a friend….she’s down right hateful to people. Every day I pray to God to help me be like HIM and not my mother. Being a mom is so hard sometimes, when all you’ve ever known is conditional love, hateful words, name calling and belittling. It’s hard.
I’m also trying to seek and order of protection or a restraining order. She won’t stay away otherwise. It’s sad. But to protect my daughter and hold onto whatever sanity I have left, this has to be done.
at least i can say all who have visited this site ur actions of trying to find help and support to understand the illness is more then my familys done for me , im definetly bi-polar but im not stupid or crazy and if my children want to blame me for all their problems when all ive ever done was the right thing then so be it, my life will be much better off too. honestly if it wasnt for my grandaughter i would have wrote my 22 year old off 4 yrs ago cuz of the garbage lowlifes wshe dates, and im crazy cuz i have a problem with my daughter being used and mistreated by a grown man that should be takin care of her not the othe way around when she has three kids , i know ive made mistakes with her being a single mother and “ill” but there was always love and she knows it, why is it children only want to remember the bad but not the good, ever. Shes fixin to be evicted again, i guess if im so worthless and bi-polR I SHOULD JUST LET HER LIVE IN THE ST. cuz the condition is she has to get rid of that albatross thats bringin her down, does that maqke me sick!gee maybe i should take a pill so it doesnt bother me to be mistreated and used,
Christine:
People, especially children remember events with higher emotional content than others. I can reasonably guess that in a house with a bipolar mother, the most memorable events would be what you called ‘bad’.
As to your daughter’s relationships, I can think of two possibilities. The first is that she learned from your example, and is only doing what she was taught (intentionally or not). The other is that she used anyone she could to escape your house, and that the problems she has now are nothing compared to what she had while she was at home.
If the pills you are talking about are for treating bipolar, and taking them makes you not mind being ‘mistreated and used’, then perhaps your perception of mistreatment while unmedicated is skewed.
hi i just turned 25 last week in ive just realized hate that has clung to me an manifested over time is controlling my life.Ive just decided to challange this buy helping my mother GROW UP .Therse only so much u can do but aslong as ur have do your bit and there is forgivness its the right step.If i dont ill never be able to completley grow as my owne person an move on be a strong adult one day instead of a sorry sad little girl.I WANT MY LIFE. Therapy is expensive an a waste if youve gotten this far ur doing ok (I know that the bright side lol):) really infest your friendships amongst everything if u dont have a supportive family ur going to need them its hard but be proud of urselfyour and its abit ao hurdal but stop felling sorry for urself its POISON im still geting there no one helped me dispite meny setback in differnt areas of my life good advice is like oreing for gold . Look for the opportunities .UR HAPPINESS IS EVERYTING
I will reply to you with the same comment I made on the post “Mom’s access to kids”
I hope you can take something from it.
I shall add this: I have lived with that guilt and sense of responsibility for everything that happens to my mother all my life. I have chosen, now, to live with the sense of responsibility I have to myself. To protect myself, and take care of myself.
I adored my mother. But she would do horrendous things to me if that was necessary to keep me close. That is not love. Protect yourself first, please.
”
I am the 23 year old daughter of a bipolar mother. My father was gone and disappeared and I have lived with her and my sister (2 years older) all my life.
We took care of her as we were children and through our entire lives. As in, we were 6/7 years old and cooking for her, cleaning the house, finding her passed out in the hallway from taking too many pills while trying to kill herself.
Two or three years ago she was finally diagnosed with the disease (she was diagnosed as chronically depressed until then), and been in mental institutions many, many times since that (and before). An average of two times a year, at this point, and for very long periods.
Fortunately both my sister and I have grown to be smart, lucid young adults, and try to proceed with our lives as we can, even amongst all this chaos we still live with. I guess all of this made us grow up and learn A LOT.
Since a few years back, I slowly stopped idolizing my mother (which I did until then, as a child and a teenager who was exposed to that all her life, and felt I had the responsibility to take care of that person). I have been realizing how much she does not care how much she harms others while indulging in her maniac / depressed crises. Yes, indulging. Because while she is offering herself to those moods, super high and blissful when maniac, depressed and not making the *slightest* effort to be better, all her family, and her two daughters clean up after her mess.
Nothing in my life (and I have seen plenty) has traumatized me the way all of this has – the things I’ve lived because of her, and what she does to us.
I have actually seen many depressed crises arrise in her which begin as fake (to stop us from going away on vacation, or from completing semestres in college – this is the time when all of her crises usually happen), and then evolved to something real, because she is so commited to faking it that eventually it turns into the real thing.
Both my sister and I have failed many years of college because of her. All I have is uncertainty about my future, and my possibility to make plans (long or short term) she won’t intentionally screw up to keep us around her.
I will be completely honest with you. I am absolutely, one hundred percent positive that when I have children she will not be allowed anywhere near them without my strict supervision – that is, if she is even allowed at all, which I very much doubt. I know what that person is capable of. She is the most deceitful person I know, and she is capable of doing *whatever it takes* to get attention and draw people close to her at ALL TIMES. Even strangers if she must. A few days ago, she tricked her doctor to release her from the hospital, while still being on a full blown maniac crises. She sits in front of me babbling absurdities as I type and wait for someone to help me get her into the hospital again.
Be very careful when allowing your children to be with her. Try to explain something to them in ways they can understand.. But be careful not to turn them against you in her defense. From what I have seen, through talking with different people who have bipolar people in their families as well, there are many many things they all do.
If your mother is like mine, and many others I have known about are, she will have few reservations in playing the victim to your children, if she feels that is what will bring them near.
Show them, by example, through your own interactions, how to deal with her. That is of course if you choose to allow this.
I understand how all of this must feel for you. How confusing and full of contradictory feelings. Do what you must, that is the most important thing I have learned. Don’t care about what others will think of you if you must protect yourself and turn away. They have no idea what this is really like. You job is to protect both yourself (physically, psychologically) and your children.
“
all of u children w/ bi-polar mothers, theres worse things in life youll find out after ur married awhile and who will u turn to
A significant number of problems in my marriage were CAUSED by being brought up in a house with a bipolar mother.
Your ‘who will u turn to’ sounds a lot like my mother, constantly watching for me to stumble in the slightest to that ‘mommy dearest’ can be there to save me from my foolishness. It’s manipulation at it’s worst, and you seem to be quite practiced in it.
Christine, my mother is a bi-polar, I’ve never run to her for anything, I’ve been married for 10 years. The thing I believe this women is trying to express is that when you have a bi-polar mother – YOU are the MOTHER. That’s why the children of bi-polar parents are more prone to produce excess cholesterol, then children who don’t have bi-polar parents, which is a stress hormone that can eventually lead to early death. tell you what though, I think I produce less of that hormone now that I don’t talk to my mom.
So much of what is said on this page relates to me. I never knew how to put my relationship with my mother into words, until i saw this and so many people have done it for me. I am only 20 years old but i am on the verge of cutting my mother out of my life despite how desperately I want to a good relationship with her. Incident after incident rolls out and pushes me farther away.
As long as i can remember she has always been sick. But her hate and destruction was only aimed at me once i became a teenager and my father divorced her. I was under constant threat to be kicked out from the age of seventeen. Living at home was a nightmare. I was a slave to her, cleaning cooking, being an emotional support for my younger sisters. I had no life separate to my Mother. It became a nightmare and i became miserable ( not surprised I got in as much trouble as i did, i rebelled every way i could). She told me inappropriate things about who she had sex with or who she was dating and was constantly introducing us to men who she considered boyfriends after mere weeks. I was ashamed of the home i came from but i had no choice but to stay. She made me feel stupid and insignificant. She would try her hardest to turn the family on me, convincing me nobody wanted me around and after time i started to believe it. While all this was going on i was trying to finish school and apply for college and i will never forgive her for making my life such a living hell. I have been forced to grow up faster then anyone should have to. My maturity is miles beyond her own and i feel thank full everyday that i have turned out reasonably OK (despite the mental pain it makes me feel)
Everything came to a head when i was 18. I was hit by one of her friends. One night her friend came over and drunkenly attacked me. She hit me in the face, and my friend who was currently over at the time was hit as well. This friend of my mothers wrapped her hands around my friends throat and pushed me on top of a pile of building tools and grabbed me by my hair. After ringing the police my mother turned up and for months did not believe me. She said “Go to the doctor and get proof of bruises”. They even mentioned bringing me to court because i blabbed about it to my dad (Why do people with bi-polar so quickly bring court into the situation?)
I was broken hearted and terrified. My mothers, mother, then sent me money to move me out immediately because i was in danger, and i have been living on my own since, somehow she still manages to sneak in and break me down and hurt me and i am sick of it. The woman is desperate to ruin anything good i have going. I am no longer welcome in my family home, and i have been pushed out of her sick little circle of people she cares about.
I cannot take it anymore, i want to cut her out.
I completely understand how you feel. My mother has been doing well on her medication but as of last night she has done a 180. She called my brother and I yesterday afternoon and yelled at us and said all the inappropriate things she could think of. I do not know what to say to her. I had finally had enough and told her I was not mad at her and I was getting off the phone now. I told her I loved her and when she was ready to talk to me in a nice way to call me back. She cycles regularly and often we weather it together but this time she went too far. I completely understand where you are at.
My advice to you is to be civil to her and not yell back at her. She is probably only going to be on this earth for 6 more months and I don’t want you to feel guilty for things you said to her. It is not worth it. Be kind to her and that is all you can do. Other than that I don’t have any words of encouragement. They are bipolar and this is part of the illness talking. I hope I have helped you.
If you would like to talk to email me my email is iluvpooh_@msn.com.
namegoeshere, omg, ur funny, theres such a thing as helping and enabling, my daughters constantly screwin up cuz shes young ans tupid and refuses to listen to me cuz what do i know im CRAZY, I have left her live her life of reckless abandon more than once and did not interfere and her constant need to call me when the s*** hit the fan only leaves me to believe she does need me and always will and i will always be here for her and theres nothing wrong w/ holding out and waiting for ur child to realize the error in her ways so when they do come back for help it might be for the last time because their finally getting the picture, not that mommy needs to be bow downed to but respected for the wisdom she possess and shares for the betterment of hr children and grandchildren, not all bi-polar people r the same and stereotyping them all is barbaric
Christine:
First, figure out how the commenting threads work and use it. Post randomly again & I get out the ban-stick.
There is a difference between helping and enabling. It is your choice to help or not, and set conditions on that help. Requiring respect from a child (because if they still need help, they are a child regardless of age) is fine.
One of the symptoms of bipolar is grandiosity, and with your superior attitude, I can only imagine how that comes across to her. It’s not a stereotype, but a fact.
So to recap, you don’t need to be worshiped, only respected because of your wisdom and grace in sharing it with your immature, stupid, screw-up of a daughter. Your words paraphrased, not mine.
hi, my mother is bipolar, and I feel guilty all the time. I really need a friend too, I am 34 years old, have a son that is 11 years, and I have to separate her from him, because she costed me my custody of my son. It has hurt my life in childhood and adulthood, I feel guilt abandoning her, but if I do not talk to her, I feel better and guilty. I worry about my mind, I try to meditate, or relax, but I feel stuck with the situation, she has ruined my father’s and sister’s lives. I wish there was a way to make this go away. I tried to help her in many ways, but I want to just run away, it is difficult for me, I lost friends, I feel socially akward, because I am shy and afraid, I had a great dad, but I feel my family has been damaged by her moods. I know she is not well, I cannot blame her, but I feel like I need someone to take over for me.
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. My Motherr was also Bipolar and had cancer – her third episode. She died two weeks ago. Prior to her death I had to have her involunarially committed because she was drinking and driving, missing all her medical appointments and basically in danger of killing herself or someone else. I had cared for her for the previous ten years and could do nothing to help her because she was completely off her meds and totally irrational and abusive not only to me, but to my children as well. The hardest thing I ever did in my life was to quit communicating with her for the month prior to her death. As difficult as it was, it was the correct decision for my mental health and the stability of my family whom I love.
I would encourage you to find someone to talk to who will support and advise you. I sounds as if you love your Motherr as difficult as that sometimes is. I based my decisions on what my Mother would have wanted for me and her grandchildren had she been in her right mind. In her “good” phases she was a very loving woman. I knew she would not want us to be damaged by anyone and would carry the remorse of having done that herself if she was not manic. If your Mom has a better side than she is showing you now ask yourseelf what she would want for you. Would she choose for you to agree to be abused by anyone?
It is my belief that Mom is in heaven now with a perfect mind and body. She is no longer in pain and has capacity to love and nurture that she always wanted while here. I know she wasn’t capable of understanding my decisions during the last months of her life, but believe that she sees clearly now and forgives what she saw as my failings during her last days.
Give yourself room to go on. If, like me, you can not help her because she will not help herself then let her make her decisions and you do the same.
I really like the idea of making your decisions based on what your “healthy” mom would have wanted for you as opposed to what the “unhealthy” mom may be demanding. It’s a good way of being able to separate the illness from the person. Sometimes I get so frustrated/angry/bewildered by my mother’s interactions with me. The intellectual side of me says that her actions are the disease talking, but the emotional side of me says I don’t care – what she does hurts. I’m still resolved to keep my distance from her because right now she’s going through an “evil” period (she’s definitely trying to stir the pot with my father-in-law – thank goodness he witnessed first-hand her behaviour in Mexico last spring and knows that what she says doesn’t match reality). But thinking of what her healthy self would want for me makes me feel less guilty about maintaining that distance, and helps me remember periods when she acted like a caring human being.
First of all,let me say I am so very sorry to hear that you are going through this. Not only did you have to grieve the loss of a mom in her pre-cancer days, now you faced with additional grief. For that, I just hate it for you. I will keep you in my prayers. But, I do want to make one thing clear, her life is not for you to fix. I have been grappling with this and it’s a struggle. Because, you see someone who obviously would be “okay” with the proper treatment, medicine and care. You really have to put your own mental health first. I don’t think that is a selfish thing to do at all. Just because she is sick doesn’t give her free reign to abuse you. My mom is not technically diagnosed bi-polar but sure does fit into being in a “manic” stage now….it’s almost textbook. Anytime, I have wanted to put my needs first (or if anyone says that to her) she will play the victim card. “Poor me, no one cares for me….look what you are doing to me….poor me….you are a bad person for saying no to me.” Either way with a bi polar, you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. I would suggest to work with a good therapist. It’s good you are sick of the abuse. After setting boundaries with her (even though she got ticked at first), my life is peaceful; actually there is some resemblance of “sanity”. There is no drama. No walking on eggshells and wondering what mood she is in today.I much happier. I realize my identity is not wrapped up in receiving her love and acceptance. Neither is yours. You will still be a wonderful human being regardless of whether or not you receive her love. I hope things get better for you. Seek the help of a counselor. Surround yourself with people who care and uplift you. Hang in there. You will be in my thoughts.
I never thought that sites like this existed. I am 21 years old, and I have a mother that has had Bipolar since I was in 6th grade. For years i felt as if i were alone in this messed up thing called a family. I never got the opportunity to learn about the disorder until now that i’m in school studying to be a Psychologist. I was “told” by my mother that she had it. I didn’t have a mother for about 3 years because she was so drugged up on medication, she would sleep all day, and stay up all night. All of my childhood she has pushed me into believing that I was not as smart as my brother or not good enough to be anything that I wanted to be. She made me believe that every headache or something that I had led to a disease. It got to the point to where I was on all these medications for no reason. In college, I met my boyfriend, who i have dated for 3 years, and I moved in with him. As soon as I left my mothers house, I was not ” sick ” anymore. I was a completely normal person!! My boyfriend has become my saving grace because even though I have the most messed up family, he still loves me and supports me in every way imaginable. I started to become angry and resentful as she tried to manipulate me into getting what she wanted. It got to the point to where everytime I came in contact with her, I felt more used, empty, angry, and less confident. She would always use the suicide card, and threatened it to me many times.. it got so bad to the point where I was like ” so when are you going to do it? ” For years, she pushed guilt on me, and it got to the point in years and several therapists later, that I needed to stop looking behind me hoping for my mom to be normal again, and move on with my life. Unfortunately i don’t have a relationship with either of my parents, because she controls my dad with her manipulation, to where he is basically like her. I read all of your stories and i just cry because it’s all the unspoken words and feelings i’ve had on my heart for years, like a thousand bricks on my back that I haul around everyday. Being in a relationship with her is impossible, and I hate that it took so many damn years for me to realize that and not feel guilty for that, but at the same time, i’m glad that I didn’t wait until i’m 40 or 50 and so full of anger that I damage my future children. Thank you everybody for your stories. I understand your pain, and I hope you see that through you expressing years of pain, resentment, anger… you have helped someone else.
Hi my daughter has been engaged for about 16 months and was to wed in 2 months time…. however her future mother in law has now destroyed all hope of them ever getting married. Her Fiance who is 34 years old claims he did not know that his mom was bipolar…. His mother has called our family awfull names as well as carjacked her own son holding a gun to his head and taking all his valuables as well as cell phone and abandoning him on the highway…. It seems just so sick!!
We have begged our daughter not to go through with marriage!!
PLEASE HELP!!!
Vita,
Reading your post was like reading my life. My mother is undiagnosed, however, at her cancer hospital, the mind and body specialist has told us to find her a psychiatrist because she believes my mother is bipolar. My mother is also diagnosed with cancer. It started around her urethra and now, 3 years later, has spread to her bladder, lymph nodes, and lung. She finally started to get treatment after she was bedridden from the swelling of the tumors in her lymph nodes in her groin. She went through with radiation, but is now refusing chemotherapy. I moved home to help my sister care for and deal with her mood swings and illnesses. She’s run both her health and finances into the ground, and is in the processes of running my sister and I away (my brother left years ago and has not been around much at all). I desperately want to run away to maintain my own mental health. I am back in the house I grew up in, after being gone for 6 years. I have found a vast difference in the quality of my life since being home. I’m also started to recognize I am becoming depressed from the situation. After much debating, I have decided to move in August to save my life being ruined by my mother’s mental illness. I am plagued with guilt, not just from abandoning my mother, but from leaving my sister to deal with my mother by herself. I have advised my sister to move on with her life (my mother hates my sister’s boyfriend of 5 years and the father of her 4 year old daughter, and tries to keep them apart and makes their relationship very difficult). My sister refuses to leave my mom to fall on her ass, but I just don’t even know what to do anymore. My mom refuses to go to a psychiatrist because “she’s not crazy, only crazy people go to psychiatrists”. Vita, stay strong. I just turned 25 a week ago. You are not the only one going through this. I do not have any sage advice, as I am going through the same thing and am still unsure what to do. But please, put your own mental health above your mother’s. And please realize that there are others out there like you. I am just realizing that myself and I’m finding great comfort in that fact.
maybe her son deserved it, sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me, uptight people cant handle reality, oh my god somebody cussed or called me a name , mentally ill people? ambassadors of the new age, only ones with a clue
Christine:
Comments like that are why I’m surprised that ALL unmedicated bipolar people don’t end up dying alone.
And whoever told you that mentally ill people are ambassadors of the new age needs to be slapped. Repeatedly and hard.
hey vita
im 26 year old female, my mother is bipolar, and my father is diceased, i cut my mother out of my life 6 months ago, it was hard at first because i felt guilty but after awhile i became alot stronger and didnt play her games, when she txt me i just ignore it as there is nothing i can say that will make her see my side as to how she has treated me etc,eventually it became alot easier and the guilt went away and i felt happier. im not saying you should cut her off yourself, but ask yourself this question, If you had a bad friend that treated you badly would you still stay there friend? Just because your mother gave birth to you it does not mean she can treat you the way she has, you have the right to live your life and be happy, its not your fault your mother is unwell and its not your responsibility to “fix it”
My mother chose to give birth to me so therefore she had a responsibility to look after me and she failed that due to her own choices, she made the choice to treat me badly and therefore there was consequences for her actions
Bipolar people mostly have a pitty me attitude and blame everybody else for there problems, some bipolar people choose to get the help and work hard to control there mind set and do things they know keep them healty and those are the people that should be given a break, my mother is not one of those people so why should she just be able to do and treat people as she pleases…..im hoping you get my drift lol
i also understand that ur mum is unwell and that makes it hard for you, when i cut my mum off i wondered if i would feel guilty if she passed away…then i revesed the situation and thought i could also pass away at any stage and how would my mum feel the reality was harsh for me but i realsied my mum wouldnt feel any guilt she would only “pitty herself”
i still love my mother very much and at times i miss her alot because it is natural to feel that way, i dont shut this part out i let myself greive for that but i know i deserve a happy life and my mum makes my life unhealthy, unbalanced, unhappy so it just ment for me we had to to go down differant paths
i hope this helps you
Haley
okay, namegoeshere, if my daughter lived by my example she wouldnt be with a lowlife, i never once suscepted her to garbage pail men when i was raising her alone for the 1st 11 yrs of her life, i worked 2 jobs , and she had everything and went everywhere, i was married when she was 11 to a good decent man, that i held out for cuz im not co-dependent and would be with a man just for the sake of not being alone, her co-dependency is inherent, from my mother and now little sister, i learnrd from their mistakes and vowed not to be the same, and as far as the ambassadors of the new age comment it came from very well known author who wrote the book, interdimensional universes, not some country bumpkin.
Christine:
First, figure out how the commenting threads work and use it. Post randomly again & I get out the ban-stick.
So her first 11 years, you raised her alone. Obviously your choice of men prior hadn’t been good.
You worked two jobs, gave her freedom, and provided anything she wanted. EXCEPT an attentive, stable parent who set proper boundaries and enforced them with CONSISTENCY. And inconsistency is also a facet of bipolar. Not a stereotype, but a symptom.
And anyone who writes on ‘interdimensional universes’ could learn a lot from any 3rd rate country bumpkin – excepting of course Stephen Hawking, Nima Hamed, Brian Greene, et al.
Hi, I think we have the same mother. I am 47 with two teenagers daughters doing socially and accademically well. I have been through the hell that you explain you have gone through and more. There is a book entitled “My Mother’s Bipolar, So What Am I?” by Angela Grett. I hope it helps you. Take care and think positive thoughts, the ones that really matter. Christel
If you need someone to talk to let know. I too have suffered from bipolar but I have a good listening ear.
http://twotreesmedia.com/parents_with_bipolar.htm I came across this useful website, hope you find it helpful:) love and light to all that suffer:)
Hey 🙂
Well..yea. I do get wat ur goin thru.. My only suggestion.neva go thru it alone..really. Plz..make ammends wid ur partner and ur friends.. Tke their support. It helps. And he wil be there for u.
My mother is nasty the cruelest words come out of her mouth. I’m bipolar also since I was in my early twenties I wAs diagnosed with it . I hid it from everyone , I was happy mad in the early days now I’m a night mare when I’m manic , i wouldn’t puty daughter through it . It’s only now that I don’t entertains my mum I hate her it’s a strong word to use . I’ve worked so hard to keep it under control and manage it . She as stRted this off again . I’m staying well clear of mine she was in hospital not long bk poorly with her chest I didn’t go and see. Her even , she is not abusing me anymore . Hope this does put a few of it fears in perspective . Just take care of your family don’t let her ruin what you have , she asnt helped herself fr what you have said she took
Your childhood Don’t let her take anything else from you . You deserve to be at peace now and enjoying it fam
I am 32 and have lived with a mother just like this my entire life. Even now that I am an adult and married. She still treats me the same. She has caused nothing but problems in my life. I love my mother. As I know you do yours. I know you run because you are tired of going through it. I know I am. I am at the place now, where I’m ready to just tell my mother what I think. I am so terrified of her, petrified even. She scares the living daylights outta me. I have not clue what to do anymore. She was diagnosed bipolar about 2 or 3 years ago. But, she’s been like this my whole life. I remember being 14, I had, had the same boyfriend since I was 12. I so thought we would be one of those couples who dated all through high school and then get married. Anyway, one day my boyfriend’s mother, who always worked and was hardly ever home, because of no father being around, planned a camping trip with my boyfriend and his two younger siblings. She asked me to come along, because out of the entire 2 years her son and I were together, she had only met me once. She wanted to get to know me. I asked my mom if I could go. All of a sudden, she started screaming at the top of her lungs, “You little Whore, you just want to go so you can get f*****! You are going to grow up and be just like your aunt and have 20 diff kids my 20 diff daddies.” I started bawling. I was still a virgin. My boyfriend had never even touched me other than a peck and holding hands. After that, any boyfriend I had, ended up breaking up with me because they couldn’t take the pressure of my mother. I never had any friends outside of school except for one. Who lived on her own. I stayed with her a lot. But even she ended up leaving me because of my mother. My mother even came to my church a few weeks ago. Got in my pastors face, and threatened to “tap her out” because she loves me. Noone in the church knew what to do. I think it scared everyone. Now she’s been coming to church, and I cannot enjoy myself, or even be myself. I go to one of those churches that people call ‘HOLY ROLLERS’ Anyway, I’m not sure what advise to give to you other than to pray to God. That’s the only way I have been able to make it. Other wise I would not be here. I have had to pray for my own safety many times. I’m constantly looking out my windows, making sure my mother isn’t here to destroy my car, or break one of my windows out. She did that to my little sisters’ care a few years ago. And now that my pastor has gotten to see that side of my mom, she is worried that her tires will get slashed. Sounds like a horrific movie, but I promise, it’s all true and very real. I live in fear every single day of my life. I can’t even work because of all of this. I’m so shy it’s not even funny. Seems like I’m not because of the book I just wrote, LOL, but I promise I am so shy and so scared of people. My advise to you is, just keep posting on here, get it all out of you. The more I type, the more I feel relief. I want to go see a psychiatrist, but It’s too expensive. So maybe even write in a journal or something. Find people to talk too. Just keep trying to get it out of you!!!! God bless you and yours!!! ❤
Vita….I am going to let my wife respond to this. She would be the one who could really help you. She has been in your shoes in more way then one.
If you come back and leave a comment with your email…they are private. If you would like she could respond to you personally in an email. None of the information provided goes any further than me.
She wants to think for a day or two before she responds. She does empathize with you.
Thank you so much for replying, you have no idea!, yea my email is********* and again thank you so much!!
She said to expect an email by either tonight (late..knowing her..lol) or tomorrow.
Hi Vita,
I, too, am in a similar situation with my mother. I am 27 and have distanced myself from my bipolar mother. However, she is filing for bankruptcy and hitting rock bottom mentally and physically. When we talk on the phone she is angry when I am not pitying her and trying to enable her. One minute she is using her mental illness as an excuse for why she can’t get a job or take care of herself and the next minute she is angry if I mention it and says that I am judging her. I’m so tired after all of the years of playing her therapist and parent that I just don’t have anything emotionally left to give to her. She just turned 49 on Saturday and has no savings and no retirement. She also has my sixteen year old learning disabled brother living with her and completely smothers him and has crippled him socially. I feel guilty for not being able to help her and while I could have her live with me she would drive my husband and I up the wall. I don’t know what is going to happen to her and like I said I am tired of trying to always fix her life. I wish you the best Vita and I am very sorry to hear about what you are going through. Please consider seeing a therapist and getting some medication to help with your situation. Both of these options has helped me move on with my life. You deserve a good life. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
JMG-I read your blog, needless to say I felt like you were describing how my mom interacts with me. My mom has, for years get mad at any boundaries set with her. She has no savings or retirement, but has come into a large inheritance and is manic right now. Isn’t that just a scary ????? When me and my sister do not pity, indulge and enable her she gets really upset. We are just so tired of being played, manipulated and treated like crap. We have gotten to the point of loving her from afar but not allowing the madness to infiltrate our lives. I refuse to let that level of toxicity into my life. You are in my thoughts and prayers! Keep the faith!
I have been reading this site for a couple hours off and on I dont feel as crazy or wrong for being resentful to my mom whos sick its not a choice to be neglagent or is it ?> I start therepy this week kind of nervous but it has to be done and my son deserves a healthy mom my biggest fear is doing to my son as my mom did to us.
im 26 yrs old i have a 7yr old son and one sister. I have a kinda messed up long story ill try to sum up. I was born in one of the provences with all my family there. it was rough for my mom shes had a horendous past I cant think of enduring she was a single mom of my sister and I and a full time most of the time multiple or split shifts as a waitress holidays included she divorced my abusive from what i heard and alcoholic father .then she met a a**hole and she married him and this is where my memorys start I remember her always always sleeping if not chain smoking in books in auto pilot thank god for my sister who took on role of mom so I heard this was during a breakdown and hospitalization of my mom so while shes married to this beep he takes on abusing my sister and I more ways then one .then the a**hole got a new job offer but its across canada im in ns and now to van so what does my mom do stands by her man … and we sell everything we own other then what we can fit in two suitcases and away she took us from everything we knew and loved ,our ENTIRE family to move to vancouver so we arrive hes cheating on her go figure they get divorced so mom has anotherbreak down but as this happeneds shes doing nothing but working i remember taking busses far way father then a 9yr old kid should be going on a bus to meet her at work so i wasnt home alone i spent alot of time in the kitchens of resturants and ALOT ALOT od time alone so while this is happen my sister whos older and now a teen starts acting up and gets pregnant at 15.. mom flips out says she needs to be with her family and picks up and LEAVES MY SISTER AT 15 WITH A NEWBORN i was 11 …….. so we leave my sister(mom) life support/protector from our moms bf abusing us and our dad and leave her to strugglein vancouver with NO family no NOTHING !!! for her we get to quebec not only do I not speak french (my sis and I are the only ones in fam who dont……) but im 11yrs old lost everything and my mom has her regu;lar 2 jobs or 3 and her bf ….. so I was left to fend for my self i remember it being days i hadent seen her and when i did i wish i hadnt cause if she wasnt screaming at me i felt guilty for making her hurt more then she alrady did for ditching my sister ……….f***** up ! then the drug use and relations etc started….. Ive been on eggshells my whole life was always alone and when i did see her we fought shes slapped me numerous times called me plenty of names shes been soo nasty just nasty for no reason to everyone anyone im suprised someone hasnt banged her out for her comments she makes oh so loudly but will never man up to. I was pretty much living with my 19yrold bf at 13yrs old…. who get this is bipolar too not medicated then we moved back in at my moms two bi polars and me….and well i dont know how i made it out alive i moved out at 16 and dropped out etc sever drug habbits etc complete disregard for my self or my future when i was 15 right before i moved out i came home to a suicide letter and that she would fly me bck to my sister to take care of me cause she tried to kill her self because her and her bf broke up ……. also her bf are more valuable to her then her own kids or her own life shes always had many partner s and also didnt care if i was home while she was having sex and no effort to be quiet if anything she was louder ……screwed me up …..also teadering between gay not gay and hitting on me and my sisters friends male or female or over 20yrs younger…….. still to this day her bf come first shes still a sex addict and an alcoholic (wino)whos completley neglegent to her health her body will be deteriated before she agrees to get help im the only one here with her we are all we have a and its become to much i cant ever express my self cause shell pull im so sorry im so guilty im a bad mom i shouldnt have had kids etc i feel a rage in me intensifying I also have a son with special needs ….im a single mom i fight with depression a retched ex inlaw family who hates me and my mom whos sex life is more important ,in the last 8 month my luggage of serious hoarded issues is just seeping out i dont want to hate my mom shes my mom and were all we have ive stayed in the provence causei was scared to leave her and now i have a messed up ex and cant leave …also the family ive made (friends) those are hard to come by does anyone else have a manic depressive compulsive spending /raging vicious mom who cowards when shes confronted in her sharp tounge who lies tells two dif sides to my sis and I .and when i say vicious i mean just damn cruel at times so judgemental just so much hate and disgust with the world,also says these purple fuzzy things talk to her and have always been there??/ and she acts like a child literally ……but then shes funny artistic affectionate crazy happy loves to danceand cook so full of life and learn about people the jeckle and hyde is perfect it feels like two dif people how do you differentiate sick mom versus normal mom how can u tell if its a chemical or intentional neglect or lashing ???i can apparently continue typeing for ever i just realized latley i do not have daddy issues i have sever sever mommy issues and i dont connect with women well ive been permiscuous my hole life and also seems to have no self esteem or respect for my self im so messed latley am I ever going to be ok does the s*** storm end and will i have to put my mom in a home or wash my hands of her eventually???? is that the only way? is this illness really that brutal that you have to just come to terms your mom will never be ok and eventually you will have to find arrangements and visit only rarely cause i cant handle it ???? i cry for my son he doesnt have family the one he does is f***** up and ive been preocupied with my past biting my assand interfering with me being a awesome mom I cant have my late 20s early 30s and the biggining of my sons lifelike this cause ill never get it back and i will not be having more kids i didnt have a child hood i was never a teen now i cant be a healthy adult? what else can be thrown at me and due to all this and a bucket more i was diagnoised with ptsd /a big hot mess ……… anyone have a way to feel sane and in control again i dont want to be an unstable mom with no retirement no back up cash no dreams for later no stabilitieor a home for my kids to come to when grown or have fall back at alll its my biggest fear ..i think im rambling ….. so ya until my next session .. sincerly nay26
whys it so hard to find resources for the children of bipolar parents its a pretty serious deal wheres the resources ?
Vita,
I wish you the best. My situation is just like JMG’s and yours. I just really don’t know how to help my mother. My dad is 67 and my mom is 61. She sits in her car all day long listening to the chime from the key in the ignition. She says that someone is talking to her. I have my own family and don’t live anywhere close to home. But my dad calls all the time and tells me about her condition. He had heart surgery in January, a triple bypass. I don’t know how much more he can take of her. A couple of years ago when my dad had a job and health insurance, through his blessing I had the DA’s office file and pick her up to take her to a treatment facility. That cost my dad a pretty penny even with insurance. But it did not do any good. She wouldn’t take the medicine and she guilts everyone in our family for sending her there. Now shes not doing good again, my dad lost his job sometime back. I just don’t know how to help. The Da’s office said unless she tries to harm someone or herself there is nothing they can do. I feel so sad for my father. He is such a good hearted man and she doesn’t deserve him. They too don’t have any retirement or a burial space. I am so worried about what to do if my father passes on first. She can’t take care of herself or anyone else. It is so sad. If I do find out anything that could help I will pass on to you. Hang in there. Just always remeber it is not your fault. You will be blamed for everything. But its not your fault.
CA,
If your father passes first, and you are REALLY sure, you could try to have your mother declared incompetent. That would place her care and finances in someone else’s (read your) hands. Basically she would become a dependent, like a child under 18.
oh my goodness i am just accepting this as an illness as i could be reading about my mum. At the minute im in the process of trying to get a conviction against my mum for abuse against me and my 2 sisters and father (who died of lung cancer on xx/xx/xx). Her own mother my grandmother died on xx/xx/xx and her father is currently in a secure mental hospital since the death of my grandmother as my mother has told very serious lies about him. The fact that she can cause so much hurt and pain and still convince others that she is a lovely person i wonder is she a psychopath. I live very close to her and keep my doors locked at all times and don’t answer the door to her. This sounds so awful but i imagine her funeral and the peace i will finally have as she has tortured me my all my life i am 29 and am so sick of her when i think of her my heart races and i feel bad and nervous and afraid. Its great to hear from others and we thankfully are not all nutters like our mothers but just human beings suffering and we should feel no quilt i think she should be locked up indefinitely sorry for being so angry but you have all been here. i must say i noticed in all your blog the paranoia and having to constantly explain yourself and verify im exactly the same i think they have you that way as your constantly battling lies.
Edited to remove names & dates – upon request
I don’t know how it is to grow up with this type of illness but, I do know how it is to be married to a man whose mother is bipolar and has post traumatic stress disorder.!!! I couldn’t understand how someone could be so moody for no reason. This past weekend my sisters-in-law experience the instrument of guilt by their mother for going out to dinner with me and my husband. Apparently my mother -in-law is mad at me because when my husband was in a car accident a week ago and at the hospital he soley leaned on me for support and never asked her to do anything for him. I am his wife and I thought that was my job. She decided that I was taking him away from her or whatever her excuse was to have an episode but she told them they didn’t love her because they knew how she felt. Get a gripp!!! So they called us up asking me to apologize just so she can stop being upset with them. Maddness!!! I feel for them because I refuse to be subject to anyone’s abuse and I did nothing wrong so no apology from me. My husband is supporting me 100%. it will continue as long as they allow it too. After talking with them for hours, one of them disclosed what is actually wrong with her and that’s the illnesses above. So I pray for all. This has affected my marriage for eight years I refuse to continue after this point to allow her illnesses to destroy my family. I decided to study first before I approach my husband about it. Even though he is aware to some degree she is still his mother and he has to accepted within his own time. Be encouraged and set boundaries!!!
Dear Anonymous,
I read through so many of these posts and when I discovered yours- I thought- oh my goodness that’s my life! Right down to the foolish apologies and time married. I’m really hoping that you have notices of replies linking to you. I would really like to talk to you and see how things have panned out over the last few years.
I too have a MIL with Bipolar (though only “officially” diagnosed with major depression). The mood swings are tremendous and burdensome on myself, my husband, and my children. She barely recognizes her own problem, and generally blames others for her sorrows. She is manic- spending, spending, spending, and then depressed, angry and volatile.
I really need to talk to someone else in the same situation. I have tried for years to be supportive and helpful. My husband is very protective of his mother- for fear that making her responsible for her own decisions (illness or not) that she might chose to commit suicide or end up in a mental hospital- and that it may be even more difficult to deal with the consequences of that.
Please respond if you receive this message. I too wish to be more educated and have the confidence to set appropriate boundaries. Anything you can offer would be deeply appreciated
I’m sure that my Wife could sympathize with you. I had been ‘tuning out’ my Mother for quite some time, and it took a lot of work for me to finally start hearing what she was saying.
Your husband and his family aren’t the first to decide to just give Mom what she wants, hopefully to quiet her down for a little while. The term for that is APPEASEMENT, and it has the opposite of the desired effect. Giving in just produces more of the same behavior – like a 4 year old throwing a tantrum in a store. Unfortunately, when dealing with the mentally ill, ‘teaching’ her appropriate behavior is probably not going to happen. At least not without a tazer – not that the thought hasn’t crossed my mind.
You mentioned boundaries – your situation is different than mine, but the boundary that I’ve set (and everyone here seems to be OK with) is that she has NO contact with anyone other than me – and that is ONLY on my cell phone or work phone.
I had never thought of appeasement as being counterproductive. But I can see how it could be. As a kid though it’s a very necessary survival technique. Appeasing my mother has always been the best option.
As an adult I expect that may change. At the very least, I will have more leeway and options. Essentially, thank you for bringing the negative effects to mind.
I am also afraid as I have begun reading and studying about this disorder that my husband may inherit this illness. Am I ahead of myself on this one or on the right path? He does what you use to do-he “tunes” her out and keeps his distance majority of the time. We have two children who love their grandma very much and I am at a point of keeping them away but he doesn’t think it will effect them because they are still young. But I just can’t let them be around her so much anymore because they ask questions and I don’t have the answers. This is harder than I thought, when I am mad it is easier to stay away but when I’m not, my children wants to visit her…I am confused but determined to have sanity!
Bipolar disorder isn’t always inherited. Statistically, if one parent has it, there is a 15-30% chance of a child having it. If both parents have it, that risk rises to 50-75%.
Statistics provided by http://www.bipolarhelpcenter.com/
Initial onset of symptoms of bipolar can vary widely. Sometimes the first episode occurs at puberty, other times the first episode is in the 20s – 30s.
Psychology isn’t an exact science, and anything they label is merely a collection of symptoms. Not all bipolar disorder is genetic, some cases are environmental. There is no good research to say which is more prevalent.
If her behavior sounds like my Mom, then there are quite a few other possibilities, not just bipolar. It can only be bipolar if there has been a manic or hypo-manic episode. Otherwise, it is probably a different personality disorder.
Tuning out someone is easy, especially if your mother-in-law’s behavior has been consistent throughout your husband’s life. It will probably take something major to snap him out of it – it did for me.
If your kids are asking questions, and you don’t have the answers, have them ask your husband. Most of all, be honest with them. One of the things I remember telling my daughter when she was about 4 was that ‘nice people don’t say things like that’.
Your kids probably still want to visit because they have a good time – sometimes. I don’t think that I was right when I continued allowing visits when they were younger. It would have caused all sorts of problems, but YOU are the adult, they are just kids. You wouldn’t let them play with a dog or cat that only bit them once in a while, even if they wanted to.
Where to start…………..
Here is a story for you. Ever since I was a small child around the age of 5 I remember my mother having very violent outbursts toward me and my younger sister. I also remember a man that would come over and “visit” while my dad was at work. I was always told and threatened not to tell my father that this person was at the house. I remember one time I told the guy I was going to tell my father and I remember limping away with bruising on my shins from being kicked by his boots. I remember my mother and grandmother always being on the outs with one another. These sometimes would be violent or non-violent episodes. I always remember my stomach being upset growing up. My mother was always in some sort of an altercation
my moms the same in and out with her parents/rest of family ,its weird my sister and I live in different provence, so we know different versions of her but same person? so we all question everything thats going on as for the men its still screwed up i need to know learn to except my sister and I and our children arent a priority if it interfers with her life things schedual and mainly her sex life u will be put on the sidelines ….im trying to except these things cause its not going to change do you ever wonder what part of mom did these things normal mom or was it bipolar .. screwd up eh trying to figure out the things shes done. have they been episodes or her just being mean ?have u figured out how to seperate it or isit even possible >?
I lived with a mother that has this disorder and refuses to this day to get help she needs. I cut her off about 4 years ago after she and my dad divorced. She thinks that because we havent spoken in a very long time that she can all of a sudden start a dialogue with me. It all started about 3 weeks ago, I came into my office and noticed she had tried to call my work phone. I sent her an email to ask her what she needed. This eneded up for her a dialogue and I fell for it for a few days. I responded to some of her emails and let her see a picture of her grandchild, then she started to call my cell phone wanting to come by my home. I wrote her a new email that said “I still am recovering from the abuse and the hurt and am not ready for a full on relationship with you” I need my space. This has sent her off of the edge again with me. Now I am dead to her again. When she gets pissed your either dead to her or she will cry, most of the time she is very destructive, I have seen her throw things threw walls, i have seen her get into physical altercations over someone driving too close to her. She displays her emotions not rationally. I have seen her get worse over the years and I think it has to do with her divorce to my dad ( I know he has issues too). I dont have a relationship with either of my parents, I am 35 years old, happily married and am on Geodon to treat the elements that have been passed down to me from my parents. The sad part is that My mother still denies a lot of the things she has done in the past. Is this part of being delusional? She moved about 7 years ago to a different state to be with a married man, when she found out he wasnt leaving his wife and kids she lost it, calling me from a field 3000 miles away telling me she was going to end her life. Crying to me daily , telling me and my children at that time what a horrible man my dad has been, meanwhile she sneaks into the married mans house and rearranges his furniture while he , his wife, and kids are out of town for a weekend. This was a while ago and now she has moved back into the same part of town i am in. I told her when she moved her that i wanted to set some boundries, since then i was an ass**** prick and dead to her, she said nobody tells me when or when i can come to their house. I will never call my kids house before i come over. so it was then that i made the choice you just wont come around at all. I feel guilt sometimes to this day , not letting her in my kids life or mine and my wifes.there is always a pit in my stomach when i hear her name or even think i see her. Her divorce was nasty, it didnt have to be but because my dad found someone new, she had to make it hard on everyone. She took him to court for things that a judge even said to her “your wasting the courts time and money, you need to move on”. So she has one restraining order against her ina different state for stalking harrassing and then she has 2 in the state i live in now. Am i alone for feeling sorry for her or guilt that I have at times. Is this normal? When i mean stalk or harrass she will drive down your street 10 times day, email you, crank call you, call your employer. She is really off her rocker. I know i was going down the same path and have never felt better being on meds that I am on now. What do you guys think……….
I am going through the exact same thing right now.My mother has sever bipolar disorder & has ruined my childhood. I am finally moving in with my fiance & getting away from her & she is claiming that she will drop by my new house whenever she pleases & I cannot tell her when she can and cant come over because I am her daughter. All I asked was that she call first and it set her over the edge. They need to hang on to any control they can – knowing that you have your own life & there is minimal ways she can control you will lead to her grasping onto to anything she can. My mother knows how happy my life will be away from her & that angers her because she feeds of my pain… she absolutely enjoys it. She has stated that she will move into my neighborhood & watch my house, who comes in and out & report back to my partner about the “men” that i will apparently be having over. I am scared of this woman. I am afraid she will burn my house down or slash my tires or break my windows. I feel like my only option is a restraining order. I am so glad to stumble upon this website & hear stories similar to my life stories. I fully agree with you having a restraining order. WE SHOULD NOT be prevented from having a peaceful life.
P.S……..
She also says she will go after her grandparent rights?
If the meds are working for you, great. Keep up with your pdoc about any changes.
Were I in your position (and I am, sortof) I wouldn’t permit her around. Your primary responsibility is to your kids. If she is destructive, prone to violent moods, and verbally or physically abusive, then you have no choice but to keep her away from you and your family.
You shouldn’t feel guilty about not letting her see your kids – she would only end up hurting them the same way that she did you. And since they haven’t grown up in that volatile atmosphere, it probably wouldn’t take as much to bother them.
If you’re concerned that she may actually sue for grandparents rights, the AARP had a table on their site showing what the general guidelines were in the different states. It has since been taken down, but is available from the wayback machine at http://web.archive.org/web/20011123050411/http://www.aarp.org/litigation/table.html
Feeling guilty is a good thing – it means that you are aware of how your actions impact other people. If I had to guess, your mother has NEVER felt guilty over anything. I pity your mother, and mine as well. It is a shame that they have such a great desire for what THEY have made impossible. But, it was all her doing.
I feel sorry for my mother at times too. Unfortunately the change needed MUST come from within. Until they recognize that THEY are the problem, it will never happen.
Ok I just stumbled on this web site. But it seems as if my story fits very well with the other posts on here.
My mom (62) has always been high drama. Very emotional, unstable, spends every penny she has, has no retirement etc. She has always been with a man that beats her (every man has done this including my latest step dad). I am an adult (happily married) that lives as far away from her as I can. When I try to tell her to kick out my step dad she says she is afraid to be alone (rather be beaten than sleep alone very crazy). When I tell her that she needs counseling she just laughs. When I say she should get financial help and debt consolidation well you get the picture. She can be very violent and I’m afraid that these two will kill each other someday.
Is there any thing that I can do to help this situation? I’m at a loss. Thank you for any advice.
Your Mom is an adult, and is free to make her own poor choices. If she is violent and unstable, then keeping her from your family is probably the best. Realize that she will probably never change, and any external influence really won’t do any good. Most people have to hit rock bottom before they have enough will to make changes.
If I were you, I wouldn’t separate completely from her – leave lines of communication available if she needs it. If she does express some desire to change, be as supportive as you can. And pray for her too.
Thank you for your kind response. Yes I pray for her. I am afraid for her too. The whole situation just makes me sad.
The guilt comes and goes but you are right in saying that my children do not need to see her destructive ways. She was physically and very mentally abusive and to this day still is. the last thing i got from her was an email with a link in it. when i went to it it was her blog , she was destroying my younger sister online since they had a falling out, telling the public what a looser she is, how she doesnt pay her bills and that she accidentally went into their home when they were not home and mmy sister was upset with her. I guess when it angered her she went on the blog and really hammered everyone in her way. she is up and down so much i am so glad i found and accepted the help i needed. For those that say it may or may not run in your family, please keep an eye on your loved ones, both of my parents are bipolar and my dad is also schizo. i was born into what i think is an illness however i choose to get help and to better myself. i would hate to die alone or to be alone, granted i used to not care but what a difference a small pill can make in ones life. i have never been happier. along with the pill of course comes group therapy and one on one as well but in the end it is so worth it. I am happy for myself and have stopped destrutcive ways that i once endured. I used to be horrible with money and always broke not knowing where it went, today i can account for every dime, i used to pratice risky sexual behavior (lots of different people) and from what i understand is a condition that could be started from this illness. I used to think it was from watching my mother have multiple partners while my father was at work. you learn what you see and pratixce what you are shown so i thought it was just that but all in all it was a product of both. I wish anyone out there the strength and courage it takes to deal with and to stay away from any person that refuses to get help. It is hard but your life becomes so much more simple and no drama. everyday my mother has some sort of drama going on in her life, i mean everyday there is something going on . i wish you all luck.
i sympathise with you all. i have a mum whose bi-polar, im 21 and was put into care at the age of 12 when my mum had her first manic episode. i cut my mum off when i was 15 and when i was 17 have regained contact. i love her to pieces as if she didnt have this illness shes an intelligent, loving and attentive mum but over the past few years the illness has consumed her. she is now on a spiral and is so low that i cant see her getting over this one very quickly. she also told me that she might have breast cancer and wont do anything about it as she says there is no point. shes losing weight rapidly and over the last few months has had chest and kidney infections. i dont know what to do i feel like i have already lost my mum to this horrible illness already, i share all your pain and wish you all luck in coping.
i am seeing this site for the first time, searching for any answers to what seems like a hopeless situation w/ my mom. I feel everyone’s pain so much- I’m 26, an only child of a relationship my dad tried sadly to keep with my mom until I was about 10- after that I saw her on weekends, never wanting to since I was so relieved to be away from her hurtful,scary, and embarrassing episodes. By my 20s, my dad remarried and my mom’s family put full guilt and responsibility on me to maintain the sole connection with my mom, who has, since being out of my dad’s care, been homeless, arrested, remarried, divorced… .I remember 8th grade, my dad dropping me off for a afternoon visit outside the homeless shelter…Over the past 5 years, I have struggled with my new role with her. She’s never been there for me, yet I’ve felt obligated to love her and help her. She lives 30 minutes away & calls me many times a week (I hate when my phone rings & screen my calls). She knows nothing about my life yet tries to tell me what to do, she truly sees me as the ten year old she left. A couple months ago, she called from the psych hospital (a common thing), and said the most disturbing, hurtful things ever- I fell on the floor and cried. For the first time something snapped in me- I was done. I feel like it’s always been about her and never about me. But I know it is selfish to turn my back on her when the illness is not her fault and I am the only family she has. She has zero insite into her illness or her destructive influence on my life. I realize that the guilt I feel about wanting to erase her from my life has contributed to my push-over personality. I really haven’t written any of this before & look forward to reading more about how other people cope. I can’t believe how much you all must relate.
Alicia:
The illness is not your mother’s fault, BUT she has chosen that she prefers the way she is to treatment that could normalize her relationships with others. Don’t feel bad about removing yourself as far as you need to in order to maintain your own mental stability. That may mean occasional phone calls, or none at all. I really do think that some types of mental illness are contagious.
Your response is really affirming… I feel good about having found your site and look forward to reading through it.
Thanks everyone for sharing I’m glad to have found this site… We are not alone.. We are not bad children for walking away…. Occasional emails.. Or none .. Keep your heads high one foot in front of the other.. For today is a new day full of possibilities
I have rarely talked about my mother’s condition. She is bipolar and a recovering alcoholic. I can’t honestly say whether or not she is taking medication for her bipolar disorder as she never gives me a straight answer. I will be 28 soon and have lived all of my life as my mother’s crutch. I have always been aware that my mother was not like other mothers I knew. At a young age I became my mother’s therapist, friend, and at times a substitute husband. And I realize now that I suffer from many control issues in my adult life due to her lack of boundaries. I cringe when I watch her interact with people in public. I have so much guilt for the way I feel. I love her so much, but she appears to be in a constant state of mania. I get easily agitated around her and often avoid situations where I have to introduce her to friends or co-workers. I actually feel panic when I am with her in public for fear I will run into someone I know and will have to introduce her. I am so ashamed to admit this, as I have never admitted this to anyone before, not even my husband who has seen his share of her erratic behavior. I live with so much guilt and humiliation that I struggle with. She urges me to have a baby as she says she needs purpose in her life again. But a part of me wonders if there will be a point when, like many of you, I will have to limit her interaction with my children. My sister, who is 9 years older than me, has basically disassociated her and her kids from our family. Since my mother does not get the attention she craves from her, she says things to me that my sister doesn’t like us, or doesn’t want a relationship with us. I would say my relationship with my sister has suffered because of my mother. I would love to find a way to get past all of the shame I feel. Thank you for the outlet to share. I am hoping to find a coping method that will allow me to be my authentic self, not someone always holding their breath.
Wow…..can I say that my birthday sounds like your post??!!!!!! Honestly, my mom was so agitated and seething but acted all sweet and nice to me I just wanted to puke. I felt so bad, just as you have. But it all came to a head a couple of days later when I asked her not to drink around my daughter and she got mad and left-said I kicked her out. I didn’t just asked her not to drink. She couldn’t pick her grand daughter over drinking. I realized then I had a responsibility to my daughter, first and foremost, and to myself. I realized that I can control myself and what happens around my daughter. I don’t have to allow myself and my daughter to be put in that situation. I am responsible for me and my daughter, not her. That doesn’t mean I am not praying for her daily. It doesn’t mean I don’t love her, I do. But you can love someone from afar, but not allow the drama in your life and the lives of your family. Strict boundaries are not appreciated by the “boundary buster!” But it is good for you! Stay strong!
That your mother ‘needs’ you to have a child to give her ‘purpose’ is troubling. It guarantees that eventually you will have to break off contact with her – assuming that you are emotionally strong enough to do it.
Since your sister has already been dealing with it, perhaps you should talk to her about your concerns and see what has been said/done to her. You’ll probably be surprised just how mean your Mom has been to her.
Your guilt, self doubt, shame, etc is what I mean when I say that mental illness can be contagious. You’ve ‘caught’ and are continuing to be exposed to your mother’s mental illness. Until you recognize it and can manage to inoculate yourself against it, your best choice may be to just separate yourself both emotionally and physically until you can.
In response to anonymous:
I too feel like I am holding my breath; during my limited time with my mother in public, I am in constant fear of seeing someone I know. I’ve felt this shame since I was a kid so I understand the hold it can have on all realms of your life.
Take namegoshere’s advice; 13 days ago I recieved a call from my mom, she told me she wasn’t taking a single med anymore and doing great, and proceeded with a slew of manic, strange statements. Because of the feedback I recieved from namegoshere and through other statements I read, I told my mother that I loved her and asked her not to contact me anymore until she was willing to take medication. Since then, she’s only called once at 6am, another time with a manic message asking me to bring her beer, and has also left a manic message on my aunt (her ex- sister in law)’s voicemail, having had no contact with my aunt for over 15 years. But, I haven’t called her back. This is big for me. I feel very guilty and nervous for her safety, and it’s been affecting my relationship with my boyfriend as well. But it’s a start. I think you should do it too- shouldn’t your own happiness come first at some point?
Thank you namegoeshere and Ali for your feedback. I am sorry I have not been able to respond, as my husband and I have been moving into a new home. I have been trying very hard to process all of the changes going on in my life at the moment.
As an update, after my posting on March 29th I had a very long talk with my mother. I told her that I can no longer pretend there is nothing wrong with our family. I told her that although she has disassociated herself with the term “bi-polar”, that doesn’t mean it isn’t real. I told her that I can no longer live my life pretending that our family is not suffering from this illness. She broke down and cried and thanked me for my courage for bring this up. She said she has noticed that her mania has been getting worse the last several years, but didn’t know who to turn to. She said that every time in her life she has tried to get help, people have put her in hospitals and threatened to take her children from her. This I know to be true as my father has tried to leave her many times. I can’t say that I blame him, but I’m sure this did not create much of a safe environment for my mother.
I had to admit to myself that, just like my father, I did not want to see the truth. I told my mother that I loved her and that I was worried about her, that I think she should see her doctor, or find a doctor she can trust if she doesn’t like the one she has been seeing.
So she has been going to the doctor twice a week for the last 2 weeks or so. She is working on cleaning out her house and stabilizing. She said the doctor has been taking her slowly off of the meds she has been taking, and I’m not sure what the purpose of this is. My husband, who is also bi polar, mentioned that the doctor may be trying to get a baseline for her to properly assess what stage she is in and what type of meds she needs. I am still uncomfortable asking my mother these questions so I haven’t asked. She is noticeably higher than normal, but she seems to be trying very hard to respect boundaries.
She has been calling at least once a day, or every other day and leaving messages. I call her back just to say hello and listen to her. I don’t know if I am being naive that maybe she will be able to get help. I’m scared.
Ali, I empathize with your feelings of guilt and nervousness. But try not to let it affect your relationship with your boyfriend. Practice communicating with him so that he will understand where you are coming from. I have been very lucky to find a partner who is very supportive in my struggle with my mother. But I learned very early on that if I am up front about my feelings to him, it is easier for him to support me when he knows what is going on. Just a suggestion. And I commend you on your strength to take a step towards protecting your boundaries.
Anonymous-
It is positive to hear that your mother has been responsive to your confrontation- I admire your bravery in spelling out the situation to her. I know it must be hard for you to feel optimism for her health, when the other side of you is expecting for things to turn sour. Try to stay positive- I hope there is peace in your life while she agrees to treatment.
As for my own venting:
My mom has been hospitalized 2 more times since my last posting on 4/2. She admits herself when she gets to the breaking point, yet she is uncooperative there and does not take her meds once she is released. Its become a terrible cycle- possibly the worst I’ve seen. Last weekend, she called and left a message from the hospital asking if she could come stay with me and my boyfriend, as she had nowhere to go. Upset over the situation, I called her back; she casually laughed about how the whole thing was cleared up with her boyfriend- she had “run away from home” but now she would be returning. Just 2 days ago, I got another message leaving me a new phone number- she has moved in with yet a new boyfriend and is “getting married”- one of her frequent claims. In her moving around over the years, my mom has managed to reduce her belongings to a trash bag, which eventually gets lost as well. She has apologized for again losing my photograph (which I resupply once or twice a year). As her lifestyle hits rock bottom, I find myself again feeling guilty. I haven’t returned the call to the new residence. But where do I draw the line between “this is the way she chooses to live”-which I can’t be a part of- and feeling like I’m selfish for not intervening?
Hi – I have read many of the blogs here and can feel the pain. I wish I had advice or recommendations, but I simply don’t. My situation is a little different. My ex-wife exhibits all the symptoms of a bi-polar person and the manic episodes are what drove me to divorce. Mind you, I went to many marriage counselling sessions which all ended the same. As soon as the therapists were on to her, she would clam up and stop going. One told me she was sick and should be hospitalized. I thought that was a little overboard at the time, but looking back it would have been the best thing. We have children (twins) and now they are in their early teens. I am re-married. When my ex is in a manic state, there is no reasoning, and she convinces my children that my house, marriage, etc. are all horrible things. I could go on and on (my stories are very similar to the ones I read hear). The worst part is that she is in denial (about the illness) and refuses to be seen by a therapist. Does anyone know of way to force her into an evaluation? I am at the end of my rope and the damage she is doing to our children is worstening!
I am grateful to have found this website. I am the Adult daughter of a mother with Bi-polar. Sigh – ” Don’t tell anyone about your Mother” my Father would always say. As a child I have been in 2 foster homes and one orphanage. I was born in 1965 and am still reminded that ” the Dr’s didn’t expect to see Mother alive after the tulmultuous ordeal I put her through”. To cut a long saga short I have been caught up in the cycle of being lulled into feeling safe with my mother only to be chewed up and spat out shortly thereafter. I am emotionally recovering from being kicked out of my mother’s house after my 4 year old was berated for not eating his dinner. I was suppose to stay the night in order to go to work as a get this – a psychiatrc registered nurse. My son and I slept in the guest room and everytime my son woke up and remembered why he was unhappy and cried my mother would storm in and scream at me for not keeping him quiet and for being an “ineffectual” Mother. This all eventuated in being asked to leave after being told my son was not ‘normal’. My 15 yr old daughter has been called a illegitimate so and so and deemed to be pregnant as I was told also by the time she is 16. This time I have decided to cut the ties as I feel so much ‘hate’ toward her. Am I allowed to use that word withou following up with disclaimers. I suppose I could say I have had enough and am so angry. I have helped this woman as one does only to have her complain bitterly about me to her Dr,s. The latest is I am the blame for her scarred kidneys ( years of Li use). The Doctors apparently put it down to her conflict with me or so I am told. I don’t think so. Anyway, I feel better for the vent. I take responsibility for remaining in this relationship and now for the sake of my children and myself it’s time to get out. She usually acts out around ‘Mother’s Day’ or other events of significance in order to bid for the empathy of others about how ‘bad’ her daughter is. Sigh.
In response to the above query about forced evaluation. What country are you in? Most Mental Health Acts have provision for compulsory examination if it is deemed in the interests of minimising harm to the Pt or their significant others or if their symptoms may result in vulnerability of self. Often there is paperwork where concerned significant others or the police can request an examination order. Phone your local facility and ask about examination orders.
Thank goodness I found this website. I am not alone. I wish I could say my mother is bipolar, but I think it is worse. I think she is bipolar, manic depressive, dual personality disorder and possibly has Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy just to name a few things. I really thought no one else would understand my issues with my mother. When I was young she was into Heroin (to hind the mental issues, I think) so I raised my younger (by 3.5 years) brother. I am now 29 with a daughter of my own, a loving husband, and a wonderful life. Mom lives 1200 miles away (thank god!), but last night was the straw that broke the camels back. I truly didn’t think I would ever witness something worse than her trying to choke my brother, but I did. She called me while I was out with the girls (like every other Tuesday night) and told me I needed to get home. She said she had talked to my three year old and she was worried my husband was abusing her. She kept telling me over and over that my daughter had told her she was scared and wanted her mommy and I should go home and kick the son of a *(#$^ out of the house. Can anyone tell me how to deal with the guilt I feel? I think about how much easier life will be when I get the phone call about the police finding her dead (she goes missing for weeks at a time). She will not get tested or take any meds, is OK for me to shut her out of my life? How do I deal with the back lash from my grandparents? I am just so glad I am not the only one who has a mother who is not a mother, but a bother!
Feeling the Pain:
I’m sorry for your situation, and especially for your girls. My daughter is in her mid-teens and has occasionally had a hard time dealing with it – and it’s her grandmother.
As to your question, the law varies from place to place. I know that where I am, there has to be a significant potential for harm to themselves or others before they can be involuntarily committed.
If you’re interested in getting custody of your daughters, that would probably be the simpler and easier route.
Sleepless:
It sounds like you figured out already that you need to separate yourself physically and emotionally from your mother. In light of what she is doing to your kids, hate isn’t too strong a word at all.
Struggling:
Bipolar and manic-depression are the same thing. And that’s quite a laundry list of things you’ve stuck her with. Bipolar is known to cause a host of other issues that can easily appear as distinct disorders, but are actually the result of bipolar. I think that when the brain runs too hot for too long, all sorts of weird stuff happens to it.
If your mother is telling you those things, do you have any idea what she is telling your kids? One of the early steps that we took was to make sure that all phone calls with her were monitored.
I think you could make your life much easier by limiting (or eliminating) contact with her, but that’s a choice that only you can make. As to the guilt… I have dealt with the same thing. Grieve for the person that she used to be that is no longer, but realize that what inhabits her body is no longer the same as it used to be. Think of it like a zombie movie, where one of the infected people calls out for someone to help them. It’s just a ploy to give them the extra seconds they need to get within striking distance.
Do your grandparents (her parents, I assume) have any clue as to what is going on? Does she ever call and rant to them? If so, they may have a decent understanding of your decision. If not, collect a few voicemails that will illustrate your point and play it for them if necessary. And remember, your primary responsibility is to your kids and their current and future wellbeing. Can you honestly say that continuing contact is worth the damage that’s occurring?
Thanks again for pioneering this awesome venue to connect. To Struggling – I have found that often some people in the midst of or managing Bipolar Affective Disorder (BPAD) tend to sexualise many areas in their life. From direct experience with my Mother, I was told from a young age that I would be pregnant before I reached 16 and often asked as a child; ‘ Has your Father done anything ‘untoward’ to you? Whether I said Yes or No was irrelevant, she had concluded he had. I was told by Mother that my daughter ( even as young as 3 ) was promiscuous or the other favourite word was ‘ precocious’. I remembered thinking how the heck could you label a 3 yr old as promiscuous? Then it became collectively apparent that Mother beleived ALL Males were after the one thing albeit at times she beleived that to be her mostly! It is also extremely difficult if your loved one lacks insight – another common thread that is interwoven with non-compliance of medications. I too remember and miss the image and scarce memories of my hilarious, spontaneous, energetic Mother. I have apportioned and archived those memories but also at the grand age of 42 realise that I am NOT responsible for her demeanour nor do I have to continually make allowances because of “the illness”. Sometimes this means lengthy stand offs because setting boundaries with a control merchant reaps repercussions. There are better life force fuels to run our tank on than those mixed with guilt, shame & blame.
Sleepless:
Many people with bipolar tend towards addictions (or struggle against them). Sexual addiction & promiscuity seem to be one manifestation of the ‘boundless energy’ that they have. Even if it is not acted upon, the drive is there.
All of us, not just people that are bipolar, tend to apply our own motives to others. It is much more obvious when someone is in a manic phase.
Guilt, shame, and blame seem to be common threads running through many of the experiences that people have with relatives with bipolar. I really wonder why this disorder seems to create such manipulative behavior – or is that backwards?
My mother in law is bipolar. She’s not to the same degree as your mother but still creates enough drama and conflict. When my husband and I first got married he couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just ignore her swings and the things she would say about me to him and others. “It’s just how my mom is” was something he would often say. Our situation has an additional complication factor as my husband was previously married and has two children from the marriage. My mother in law used to tell me she never really liked his ex. However, experience over the last three years has proven otherwise as she is “friends” with his ex. She has even put herself in the middle of situations between my husband and the ex due to the “best interests of the children” to the point my husband finally saw the need to put boundaries in place. I cannot begin to describe the number of disagreements we used to have concerning his mother. She has told his ex that I’m the reason he’s mean now, that I hate her and am keeping her from the child my husband and I have together. She always has a list of wrongs I’ve done when she is arguing with him about me. The true point is she has a fit when she doesn’t get her way and for some reason I am the person she chooses to focus on for attack. It’s escalated to the point that I have nothing to do with her unless they are visiting us (a few hours each visit about 4 times a year) and then I am polite and say as little as possible.
My father in law used to make up excuses for her and defend her behavior. Now even he is tired of her explosive dramas which occur every four to six months. She can’t hold onto money to the point father in law separated their accounts several years ago so he can control the flow of money to her. It doesn’t keep her from complaining about how deprived she is of things and heaven help you if she finds out you have something she doesn’t. She’ll nag you about it, how it works, do you like it, etc until she buys the same thing, which is quickly discarded out of boredom. If she gives you a present you hear about it for at least a year, she’ll tell you how thoughtful she is, how she does things like that from time to time and she’ll also bring it up as something to hold over your head when she wants something from you.
My mother in law seems to have some new illness every few months and will go from doctor to doctor until one tells her what she wants to hear or tells her enough she twists it to be what she wants. We tend to roll our eyes when she calls with her “devastating” diagnosis.
My mother and father thought I was exaggerating the things I was going through in the beginning. My mother told me I was overreacting and blowing things out of proportion and I needed to be more understanding. About a year ago my mother finally told me she thought my mother in law was crazy and she didn’t know how I had dealt with the things I had so far.
The latest drama erupted earlier this month. My husband finally told his mother he’d had enough. He told her his wife and children were his priority and she’d better learn to accept it or else she would find herself with very limited access to him and his family.
My challenge is finding a way to come to terms with the situation, how to handle the limited interactions I have with her and not let bitterness consume my heart in regards to her. I want my daughter to form her own opinions of her grandmother, what limited contact she has with her, without my opinion being what drives her opinion.
I know I rambled. I’m sorry for that. It’s just this is the first blog I’ve come across where I finally feel like there is someone out there who can understand what I’ve gone through and what faces me in the future. It’s a sad state when I’ve already thought of how I could counter any claims for grandparent’s rights to unsupervised visitation should something ever happen to my husband. Thank you for your blog and for the relief it is to know someone else understands.
Namegoeshere = That is a very good question. Has had me pondering for a few days. Is it because the mania is mostly underlying (ie not ever medicated correctly either by script or by non compliance) simmering until life stressors cause overflow? Is the sufferrer (the Adult child ) stuck at the emotional age where they encountered the abuse/triggering event? Is it because self responsibility is a rarity even in those of us not managing mania? Therefore it’s easier to blame others for personality & value deficits. This rescues the sufferrer from the embarrassment they may take on when they reflect on their behaviours during relapse. Or does this mood disorder inflict feelings of raging turbulence. I think that medication is only part of the treatment. Treatment combined with DBT and anger management may exist but from my experience as a mental health nurse I am yet to see such a treatment plan. Thanks for such a stimulating question on which I will keep pondering. Sincere Regards.
I have just recently been sucked back into an episode with my bipolar mother. I had broken off contact with her for 3 years which in turn created a distance between myself and other family members. After pressure from one of my family members, I agreed to let my mother back in my life only if she agreed to counseling. That was a year ago. Initially things were well. I laid down boundaries and she agreed to them. Gradually she began testing those boundaries. It became more difficult to enforce them, and it was becoming exhausting. What made matters worse is as I was trying to enforce boundaries, she would lie to other members of my family and they would become upset about the boundaries I was trying to enforce and about the lies she would tell them about me. She twists things and manipulates situations to set me up to be the bad guy. For instance, I told her I thought we should go to therapy and she told me absolutely not and then turned around and told other family members that she agreed to go to counseling. She lies and manipulates but since our stories are similiar, but just the roles are reversed, my family has told me that they think I am the problem and I am the one who is twisting and warping the truth. She is the one with bipolar and has not been in consistent therapy for about 3 years and has not had her meds checked since then. I am not even sure she is still taking her meds(I’ve asked and she says she is). I have been the one to be in therapy for the last 2 1/2 years with the same therapist. I have been criticized by my family for “running away” from her and I am at the point of that again b/c nothing I have tried changes the way she treats me. I seem to be the main recipient of her illness and projections as the rest of the family thinks the problem is just with me. I have even witnessed her reversing roles in her relays of situations so this does not surprise me but the rest of the family thinks I am the one who is crazy for suggesting it. They just can’t believe it I guess, but then, they are quick to believe these things of me. It is b/c she has done this to me my entire life and I think she has worked hard to discredit me so no one would believe me. It is frustrating and crazy-making. When she is not in my life, my life is peaceful and calm. When she is in my life, things are chaotic and turbulent with lots of drama. What is worse is she has been bad mouthing me to my teenager. This has put an incredible strain on my authority as a parent. I regret ever letting my mother back into our lives but it was done in good faith and hope. Now I am faced with having to seperate from her again and I worry about the impact this will have on my teenager as this seperation will also mean from the entire family.
I just wanted to clarify something in the above message. Initially my mom did agree to counseling. We went to 2 sessions. Boundaries were established, she agreed to them. After a year she was violating those boundaries. I suggested counseling again (a year later) and it was the second time she rufused and then told other members of the family that she had agreed to counseling.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this site and for sharing your stories – so similar to my own.
I was recently very nearly sucked in to trying to reconnect (out of guilt) with my mother. The guilt over ‘abandoning’ her, as I am her only child (and I did not abandon her – the truth is she finally succeeded in driving me away, and it took a lot, which I won’t go into here because the story doesn’t sound believable, but it’s true, the people that know me and her know it’s all true)…just this afternoon I was thinking, maybe I could get away with sending her a card and a gift on her birthday and holidays. Yeah. Then I’d be doing my ‘duty’ as a good daughter. But the truth is, ‘out of sight,out of mind’ is my only hope for safety from her. If she is thinking of me, she will start plotting…and unfortunately my stepdad left her with enough money to hire lawyers. (On teh plus side, she has already alienated several lawyers where she lives, as she is gaining a reputation for suing people for no reason.)
I especially appreciate being reminded that there is the danger of *her* trying to have *me* committed, as my mental health history (I have severe PTSD – go figure) is documented, while hers is not. I was also relieved to hear that my mother is not the only one who has done the Munchausen-by-prxy thing (again, I won’t go into the details, but it was quite horrible.)
Thank you all so, so much for sharing your stories. I so needed to be reminded that no, I don’t need to feel guilty for doing what I know I must do. Complete strangers lay guilt trips on me for not neing in contact with my ‘elderly’ (age 77) mother….but the people who know both of us, including my own children (who do love their grandmother), no longer blame me for not calling her.
Now I just need to srop blaming myself. The truth is, if I wasn’t scared to freaking death to contact her, I would contact her. I love her, and I miss her. But the ‘zombie’ thing, absolutely hits the nail on the head. It’s like, whoever my *real* mother is or ever was, she’s not in that body any more. The person who does inhabit that body, is (because she refuses to be treated for her illness), nothing less than a monster. (Aplogy for the strong term – but again, if I went into the details, you might not even believe it. Then again, sadly, some of you might.
I hope that now, I (and everyone posting here, or reading this) can rest easy in the knowledge that sometimes in life, we simply have to do what we have to do.
I hopemy mother finds some happiness. The logical part of me thinks she will actually be more likely to do that if she is not thinking about me, as she won’t go off plotting about me and my husband and our kids. (Our kids are grown, by the way – all are in contact with their grandmother and love her dearly, but they know now what she’s capable of, so they tend to keep their distance and not feel guilty about it.)
God bless.
Forestchild……
Wife of NGH…..I am sorry for your situation but you are in the best place now and don’t allow yourself to get sucked back into that other place.
If I were you….I would run and never look back. You do not owe your mother anything. Don’t allow anyone to guilt you into something you know would be destructive to your peace of mind. I seriously doubt there is anything you could tell any of us who have dealt with family members like this…..that wouldn’t be believable. YOU are not alone…..as you can tell. We understand the length and depth of malicious behavior that can be exhibited. The manipulations. The accusations.
It’s great that your children can be involved and recognize the dangers of too much with your mother. As of right now….our children are saying they want nothing to do with their grandmother, ever. They have been just as much a victim as my husband and I, my FIL and even my MIL. She is a victim of her own creation as is your mother. She has made herself the victim and is accusing you of being the victimizer. Don’t fall back into that trap. You wouldn’t go looking for a used needle off the streets to stick yourself with knowing the dangers of such an act. It’s like dodging a bullet. You’re not going to step into the line of fire if you have a perfectly good fox hole to lay low in….She’s the bullet….you’re the target.
The person you love and miss…..no longer exists. She is gone. You cannot blame yourself for her refusal to get treatment or for her bad behavior. If you feel you have to love this person…love her from a distance and love her as far away from her as you have to be.
Thank you for the encouragement. I need it so badly right now. Sometimes it’s all I can do not to call her….than it will be the bext day, and I can’t stand to look at her picture, for what it brings back.
(I am currently working on going back to school online to become a medical transcriptionost, as this sounds like something I could actually do in spite of my severe insomnia nad PTSD. I will probably have to work around those for the rest of my life.)
I wish her all the best – but please , away from me and my family.
I just don’t ant any more drama and pain from her.
God bless.
I’m laughing to myself right now, that you said ‘love her from as far away as you have to be’. I used to fantasize (and then it became plan) about putting a camper on my truck, and running away to Canada, because she wouldn’t be able to find me there.
I actually made it as far as putting a camper shell on the truck, just in case. (Couldn’t afford the whole camper.)
It got pretty extreme.
So weird to say that while us not being in contact breaks my heart – at the same time, not seeing her or talking ot her on the phone, has been nice. I never thought I’d have to say that….it’s just all very strange.
People just don’t talk about stuff like this, do they ?
I feel the exact same. As soon as I finish college and get a job, I’m running away from my mother faster than I would from someone pointing a gun at me.
It’s nice to say it to people who understand all the implications of this statement and do not judge at all.
To Forestchild – It’s a bit like ” Run Forest Run. Sounds like despite all your trauma you have maintained your sense of humour. I was told by Mother on the phone yesterday that after numerous investigations by Doctors for recent physical ailments, they and her have narrowed it down to quite simply ‘ conflict with the daughter’. Thats me btw. Yes the most recent bout of ulcers are my fault nothing to do with the ingestion of 30-40 nicobates per day. After hearing this remarkable news I told Mother that I was not prepared to take this on – I would not wear it and asked if she had ever heard of self-responsibility. She launched into this all stemming from me not calling on Mother’s day. Subsequently I terminated the call. I hear ghasps from the gallery lol. Three weeks ago my father’s second wife of 27 years was told she has advanced cancer with a dismal prognosis of 1-6 months. So I have been assisting with her cares. After I hung up on Mother I expected the usual mexican stand off or her partner to call and diss on me as he earns respite points from her wrath if he supports her in the denegration of myself. Mother not to be out done by someone who is genuinely physically unwell ( step mom) left a message on the answer machine saying she will be getting a camera down into her heart for further investigations and she ‘just thought I should know’. Perhaps this is because I terminated the call – will this latest ailment be put down to conflict with daughter? sigh. Interestingly my step-mom who is 62 had a mother similiar in behaviours and during our time recently when she discusses passing over her biggest concern was ” How will I cope with Mother when I get there?” Thats some trauma huh? I think I explained it when I said I am most certain behaviours like this are non-existant in the land of milk and honey. Anyway sorry for waffling and thanks again again for facilitating this site – it is unique and so therapeutic.
Wow. That’s heavy – not wnating to die because Mom will be on the other side. Whoa.
(Guess I’ve never really feared that one, because my dad’s already on the other side – and boy is he pissed at my mom.)
So, is your stepmom still with you ? Maybe it would help her, if she can think of other familiy members who ahve already passed – and are ‘normies’. (?)
I’ve also always assumed I was going to hell for being bad, while mom was going to heaven for being Baptist. (Not completely joking there.) I’ve had to completely re-learn faith and religion (or spirituality or whatever – these days I don’t really have a religion any more, which is a relief.) That falls under spiritual abuse, which is partly behind the reason I still feel like I should ‘be there’ for my mom. (Right. But do it from Canada, I guess.) (?)
I *have* feared in the past that if my mother dies before I do, she will try to haunt me. No joke there at all. (Kind of a moot point, though….as she’s doing a pretty good job of haunting me now, and she’s still alive.)
That’s what this feels like, really. Being haunted. It felt like a haunting while we were still in touch, and it feels like a haunting now. Cutting off contact, has given me some better days than I was having….but it hasn’t taken away this feeling of being haunted, hounded, and I don’t know if anything ever will.
But again….that’s really heavy, for your stepmom to fear passing on, for fear of meeting her mother again. WOW.
Thank you for sharing that – it was really validating somehow. (Apologies for the pop-psych terms, but I don’t know any better way to say that.)
Wife of NGH here….
Forestchild…maybe they should talk about it. The more you can get out the less you are holding in…..I can understand extreme…I’ve been pushing for Alaska or Europe myself…:-)
Being Baptist won’t get your mom to heaven. You are not commanded to be there for your mom….I know and my husband would tell you the same thing. Our Pastor helped him to see the difference between honoring his parents and screwing up our family because his mother felt she should come first. I don’t think you want to hear me preaching…..There is only one way to heaven and unless your mom’s done that…She won’t be there….
My husband’s mom left us a message once that she was a Christian and since we didn’t want to see her and she was going to heaven…where did that mean we were going to be….LOL. I had to laugh at that one…..
It does feel like you are being haunted at times…..So…when are you moving to Canada…:-)
Forest I really get a good chuckle from your input. Thats without disrespect. I too have often wondered if Mother would come back and haunt me, I am sure she will and I wonder if she is looking forward to it? I think Step Mom from my previous post is looking forward to catching up with her cat who died – Now lets not go there. I am trying to mentally prepare myself to ring mum back and offer her a spot on my daughters Bebo page for the pictures of her heart. One does tend to develop a cynical humour after encountering years of non sensical chaos. Thanks again all. Warm regards and I look forward to reading more posts.
Wife of NGH….
Sleepless….I would strongly encourage you to not talk to your mother anymore at all….period. Don’t do it to yourself.
I have started back to counseling. I had my own issues with childhood abuse. Sexually molested beginning at age 3-13, physically abused growing up with a stepmother. A few other things to throw in the mix. For the most part I have done my healing. It was solely due to my faith that I came out of it as strong as I did. My MIL is a trigger for me. I have talked with my counselor about my insane “moth to the flame” need to hear her repulsive messages. How upset I get and how I take them to heart. No matter what we KNOW…intellectually…what they say to us is pure and utter rubbish….there is just enough…a grain, molecule or atom of truth that we believe it. SMACK me now!!!
I have promised my self that I won’t go out to the youtube link and listen to anymore of those messages. I hadn’t heard them…
The counselor said to me that I go out to listen because I need to hear how bad I think I am. Because of the years of being beat down…even though part of me knows it isn’t the truth…I can’t believe that it isn’t so I must be as bad as she says I am. Hence the need to listen. I am NOT listening anymore and I am not even close to the person she describes….my hubby can vouch for that one…:-) Don’t fall into that trap…..
Your poor step mom to fear death thinking she would have to face someone like that…..I am so sorry….Tell her to remember that we are given the promise of a new body…not one that is diseased whether it be mentally or physically. “We shall all be changed…I Corinthians 15:51,53” If this person did find themselves in heaven…according to that, they won’t be the same.
I am sorry for this dear women and hope that one day you will be able to not pick up the phone and not feel guilty over not answering.
I will be thinking of both of you……..
Wow Wifeofngh – powerful words that actually take shape to fit the puzzle. I believe to endure life connected to someone with these mood disorders either directly as in Mother or MIL fosters resilience. You are resilient and faith I think, personally, strengthens this resilience. You know I am sick literally of picking up a ‘private’ number on caller ID – can’t even screen her calls, quite comical really I even get blamed for the cost I incur her when I am not home and my phone goes to message bank. Usually the message goes ” WHERE THE @#*% ARE YOU”?. I have described Mother as the girl with the curl in the middle of her forehead when she was nice she was very very nice when she was not she was horrid. Wifeofngh, I am 42 years old and sometimes still feel she has the power to reduce me to a child ego state which of course I am working on. I know the power lies with me. My Mother has so much hate toward me that I often wonder why she bothers.
I am sorry to hear that your journey was turbulent during childhood and think your marvellous for rediscovering and repositioning yourself with faith and counselling. Your MIL like my Mother are awesome projectionists – they feel so badly about themselves that they want to project onto us their own distorted sense of self and tenacious at it they are! Sometimes I have felt like I was living in some kind of psychological thriller not unlike the bold and the beautiful. Mother’s version – Let’s scold and you’re not beautiful! Sigh. The sigh is to remember to breath.
Moth to the flame is a good description also like a rabbit stunned by the headlights – I knew the car was coming but I just had to go check. *smile*. Good for you for not listening – I went to the tube and it was disturbingly familiar to listen to. Isnt it funny – it is guilt – somewhere in me – well quite locatable really – Is this thought process – ” You are a bad person if you don’t ring, there you are giving your daughterly love to a step mom not your birth mother, when she needs you too, what kind of a person are you. Mother: See I told you all she was dispicable rah rah rah..sigh. I guess I just have to remind myself to be authentic, that I am not such a bad person as much as I am not a puppet on her strings. Wifeofngt, I think the grain, atom and molecule are merely their radars honing in on our vulnerable bits. Hey and I am here to remind you – no more SMACKING of self.
I am happy for you and your husband that you have each other to share the load. I tell you it was so empowering and frightening to tell Mother I totally deflect myself as the cause of your illness. Perhaps I should remind her to read more ‘Louise Hayes’? Self responsibility and all that Jazz. Well my comrades – well it is a bit like the Russian front at times – thanks again for this site. I believe God thought ok here is some respite when he guided me here. Warmest regards and hey – Keep Breathing All.
Dear WifeofNGH –
I do hope there comes a day when people talk about what it’s really like to live with someone who is mentally ill – and what the symptoms of mental illness look like, whether or not there has been a diagnosis (yet – or ever). As a child, I didn’t realize that my mom, and also her sister who helped raise me, were both mentally ill. I just thought my family was weird, and I was bad.
It’s good to be able to share these stories now. Not good to *dwell* on them, there’s a difference….these days I’m working on a mantra for when my thoughts wander back to my childhood, or to my earlier adulthood…..back to bad places. Hoping to do some further work on bringing myself back to more positive things. (It takes a while. But, living htorugh all that, also took a while.)
It’s very helpful to talk about it here….and kind of leave it here, or leave it in my art therapy notebook. I’m getting into meditation, and (slowly) into yoga and a big of martial arts these days. Also way into studying nature…..well let’s just tell the truth, I’m turning n to a big hippie (minus the pot). 🙂
Don’t know if I’ll ever get to Canada (although visiting there is still a goal, I hear it’s very beautiful). My husband and I do have a daughter in Portland, Or., however….so maybe when he retires in four years, we’ll be moving there, or at least close. (It’s also very beautiful countryside up there.)
The camper, or else a small RV, is still a definite goal, by the way. No better way to clear my head of mom, than get out in the woods and sleep under the stars. Of all the places in my life where she hangs around and haunts me, the woods is not one of them. 🙂
(Sent her a small book for her birthday, with a note in it. I had to, to get some relief from my own insides. That moth to the flame thing. Funny we’re talking about flame, and the only way I feel safe contacting her, is on paper. Maybe there’s something to that.)
Our youngest son was living with her recently (yeeek), but we heard tonight that he’s back in town. I’m relieved for him….and certain that he learned a lot while he was there. Out of my three children, he was the one who didn’t understand why I coudln’t be in touch with Gramma. Then he moved in with her to “help take care of her” (she’s 77 and in perfect health, regularly drives cross-country and flies to Alaska and Hawaii….which puts Alaska out of my fantasies). Anyway, the whole time my son was “living’ there, he spent almost every night and day couch-surfing at friends’ houses. He found out Gramma isn’t so easy to be around, after all.
I’m sure he still loves her, and rightly so (in fact, if nothing’s changed too drastically, he adores her – like many bipolars, when she’s not in one of her moods, she can be fascinating)….but he found out that living with her is a whole different can of worms.
It’s exhausting, writing this stuff. I’ve so needed to get it out….but it’s like having teeth pulled.
Thank you, all on the group, for letting me write it, though.
Dear Sleepless –
I can relate about not being able to screen your calls. When my husband and I had a landline, we tried getting caller ID…so my mom took to buying phone cards that would show up as coming from a different state. I’m remembering one in particular that said ‘Colorado’. She hadn’t even been to Colorado in years, so I don’t know how she pulled that one off, but she did it.
Nowdays we have cell phones. My mom calls our kids, and they call her, but she doesn’t have my husband’s number or mine. Our phones are pre-paid, so if she gets our number’s we’ll be able to get new phones.
I’ve been to a few support groups, and read some books, about how to deal with a mentally ill relative…..but I never heard it mentioned that it might be perfectly necessary to go to these lengths for emotional safety. And the (uninvited) reactions of acquaintances and sometimes complete strangers, who don’t know the whole story but who want to add their two cents’ worth, is *very* unhelpful.
People need to know that, sometimes it just takes what it takes, and extreme situations absolutely can call for extreme measures. I’ve stopped feeling guilty about not speaking to my mother on the phone or seeing her in person, as it gives me Viet Nam-style flashbacks to do so. I do still feel guilty if I don’t send her cards and gifts (obviously, as I just sent her a gift)…..but who knows where that will go. Meanwhile, it just is what it is.
Incidentally, I joined the Army at age 20….and it was there that I learned I had post-traumatic stress. Kind of ironic, that a soldier’s disorder kept me from actually being a soldier. It was a good experience, though….and it was there that I received my first diagnosis, and the only one that has continued to fit me throughout the years. I was later diagnosed as bipolar myself – but it turned out to be incorrect, that the mania I was experiencing was due to the antidepressant drug Effexor. I will *never* touch that stuff again, if I have anything at all to say about it!
Anyway. That’s the scoop. Good luck with the phone thing…..and with every other one of those “things” that family members of the mentally ill get to deal with.
Hey, guys, I might have to leave this group for a while. I had a steady stream of horrible nightmares last night (and this morning, after moving out onto the couch) – all ivbolved my mother, and toys.
Don’t know if it’s the fact that I sent her a gift, or that I’ve been talking about her so much. (Or that I wore a nicotine patch to bed – but I’ve done that before.) If it turns out to be this site, I’m going ot have to back off for a while, becuase I’m simply thinking about her too much. (Which is to day, differently – as I think about her all the time anyway. Ther’s no getting around that.)
If any of you have the same problem, there’s medication called Prazocin that helps with nightmares, It’s a hi8gh blood pressure med – they discovered this side-effect in a hospital for Viet Nam vets. I’ve been off it a while, but if this keeps up, I’m going ot ask the doc for some more. Just thought I’d share that with you.
If you don’t hear from me for a while, I send you all my best. If I figure it out that the mightmares weren’t triggered by this
site, I’ll be back.
(This PTSD thing is very real. They don’t really discuss that in those books and groups about how to deal with a mentally ill relative, either – not unless someting has changed. I hope it’s changed. The best I got was the ususal, “Nurture yourself, take care of yourself, long walks, bubble baths,” type thing, and some vague “set boundaries and enforce them.” That asn’t good enough. This stuff is real, PTSD requires more than walks and bubble baths, and the mentally could usually give a hoot about boundaries.
(When I do come back, let’s write a book, if somebody isn’t already. Not kidding.)
Much love, Forestchild
Boy, did I almost make a mistake there.
I know now, that the nightmares are about my having sent my mother a birthday present. (We’ve been out of contact for over five years, save one or maybe two phone conversations and one exchange of threatening legal letters.)
Now, I’m in conflict….it’s like, almost all of me knows not to get in any closer contact with her. (My conscience, is certainly salved.) But there’s this one part of myself still holding on to this fantasy….in the eighties, someone would probably have called it my Inner Chiild (remember that…?), that keeps dreaming of letting bygones be bygones, and spending time with mom while she’s still with me here on earth.
The only trouble with that is, bygones are not bygones. I’m not talking about past abuse here (and boy, there is some….but it is past)….I’m talking present day mental and emotional (and possibly even physical) danger. (Certainly, my own former suicidality was a physical danger….one could argue that many ways, but I am no longer in contact with mom, and I no longer wish for death, go figure).
I do think I need to keep reading and posting here, so I don’t forget that, in her illness, mom still likes to torment me. Not being a smart-aleck there, either…..it’s a you’d-have-to-be-there thing, but I’ve seen and heard her plainly take some delight in saying very upsetting things to me, lying to me…..just, managing to get me upset. I need to remember that, for my own health – as I *am* human, and can only take so much.
Of course, it makes sense that I’m having nightmares right now. Every logical part of my brain, is going “oh God no please not this again!”
I can’t let myself go there, thinking that I could have a relationship with her. Not the way she is, not as abusive as she is. (She once lied and told me she’d had surgery for bladder cancer, when what she’d had was a bladder tuck. That sort of thing. Constantly. Don’t need to go into further details – but I needed to write that, remind myself. That kind of thing, is every day, in and out.)
I have a cousin, the daughter of my (also mentally ill) aunt who helped raise me when my mom was working. My cousin lived with her mother, up until her mother died. Then she promptly married a physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually very abusive youth pastor. My cousin seems to not know when she is being abused. Hanging on to that relationship with her mother, my aunt, so deeply affected the rest of her life.
And as I sit here, I’m looking at three photos of myself right now, so drugged out on psych meds that in them, I look like a zombie…in fact, in one, I look dead. If I got back into a relationship with my mother again, I would have to take those kinds of meds again, to deal with the depression and the flashbacks.
It’s a hell of a choice to have to make, but it really did come down to me or her, and I chose to save myself. Tht’s still the choice I have to make, realistically. I know we’re often told to “detach”….but as human beings there is a certain amount of detachment from loved ones, that I think it’s unrealistic to expect. I simply can not take that constant emotional pounding from my mother, and be unaffected by it between our conversations.
I need to rememebr that, really get it all the way down inside. Then the nightmares will slow down and stop, I won’t have to take medication for them….it’s happened before. Having had time to think about it (and read earlier journal entries), those nightmares were simply my brain sending me a distress signal, that I was putting myself in danger.
Time I got my life and health back and kept them, instead of shoving more pill down my throat in order to appease the illness that is not mine, but my mother’s.
On a much healthier note, I finished writing a novel today, my husband is very excited for me around this, and we plan to go camping this weekend.
I need to get a good plan going to deal with flashbacks and intrusive disturbing memories – and get on with life. My mother’s illness has taken the front half of my life, but the second act can still be mine, there’s still a chance.
Just a quick note to say Hi to all. Forest, thanks for sharing. Knowing that others can genuinely empathise is a significant relief. As I mentioned in earlier posts my step mom is fighting cancer now and each day I do lymphatic drainage, change dressings, maintain picc lines etc and she mostly says the same things to me such as – Thank you, appreciate this, when you can etc. Well on the other branch of the family tree, Mother has logged the number of Drs appts since January – 18 in total. She is in the public system and one Dr checks the kidneys, one the mental state, one the colon, one the endoscopy, the GP is included etc. Well the camera went into the heart today- actually later I find out it’s an endoscopy but “camera in the heart sounds way more dramatic. She had left me a message saying she was ‘ depressed’. So I call back saying why are you depressed – Well whoa..YOU WOULD BE TOO IF YOU HAD BEEN THROUGH WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH….rah rah rah so suddenly again it became my problem. Now after the multi million itrusive investigations Mother has had, she tells me she is FINE – which in other terms has been known as an annogram for F = F^%#@ ed Up, I = Insecure, N = Neurotic and E = emotionally unstable. So when she said she was fine I smiled – bad but I smiled. But even after finding out she is fine and that 3 Doctors have confirmed that her daughter (me) is the primary contributing factor she must still carry on with the worry of it all. So her behaviours really stand out compared to my step mom who has a gravely serious illness, and is gracious about it. Step mom has not whined, self-pitied, nothing whereas Mother cannot stop complaining about NOTHING. sigh.
Forest – I describe dreams as daily events and thoughts that when we slumber go into a huge sieve and the sieve is shaken so all those thoughts come out jumbled up and take the form as they fall. So usually if we think about it we can trace weird dreams back to something we processed within the last 24-72 hours. In saying that there is significant research that says nicotine patches give people rather vivid & disturbing dreams. Remember though that you have been traumatised and within the healing is confrontation – reminds me of a Joyce Myer saying – ” Pruned if you do and Pruned if you don’t”. Venting safely is healing. It’s also in reminding ouselves that even though our Mothers have endeavoured to control us as extensions of themselves -remember this – OUR MOTHERS PROJECTIONS, COMMENTS ETC DO NOT DEFINE US NOR CAN THEY ALTER OUR ESSENCE. In caps sorry just to emphasise that.
We are authentically individual just that a significant caregiver has misused their power over us. But now as Women we are free when we recognise that as an Adult the power now lies with us. Yes it hurt and not the most colourful kalaidescope of images to reflect on but we can make choices now of self preservation.
To Mother I say ;
” Yes you say you did the best you could and I believe that for you, we got through it, and now Mum you know what? I forgive myself for thinking I did anything wrong. I forgive you for saying I did. I am sorry that like any other teenager I may have been a right so and so but I was on cue with my developing age. Thanks for an interesting childhood, I am sorry you did not believe in yourself enough to accept and embrace me as a beautiful developing young woman but rather as a threat to your femininity. I have apportioned a compartment in my heart for you where I remember fun times, moments of sanity and random acts of love. Thank you for your maternal intentions. Mother I love you but I choose to disengage for now as I am not the blame nor the cause and will never be the cure.”
Not quite sure how the rest of that goes just yet but it will come.
Congrats Forest for finishing your novel – have a wonderful time camping. Choose a word for the flashbacks like one word eg Enough, out, or a few words like ” I am having a flashback and this is in accordance with my trauma but now I am ready to file you in an album and archive you. If you reappear that’s ok but I will remind you, you now belong in the archives of experiences that have enhanced and formed my most marvellous character today”
Onwards and upwards I say. Live Love and Laugh…and most of all keep breathing!
Warm regards
Sleepless
I meant to say – Thanks again to the facilitators of this site. This site has been gounds for a turning point for me. Much Love and appreciation.
If this isn’t misuse of this site, amy I make a prayer request for my son, Ross Redfield, age 21 ? He’s very depressd, and I’m afraid he will commit suicide.
(If this *is* a misuse of this site, I apologize, and will certainly understand if this doesn’t get posted. I value this site, and don’t want to misuse it.)
Thank you
Dear Sleepless –
I have just read your post, and will read it agiin in the morning when I can better respond to it.
Your step mom does sound so gracious – I don’t think you could have picked a better word. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through all this with her right now…..thinking she’s very lucky to have you there.
I hope you are giving yourself some points for graciousness, as you are at her side when you have every excuse not to be up to the challenge. May God, whoever or whatever God really is, bless you for it.
It is amazing, the stark differences in people sometimes, dealing with them both at the same time.
It sounds as if you may have chosen your role model, as far as graciousness goes. That’s a trait I myself aspire to.
Will answer your post more tomorrow, right now it’s about three a.m. and I’m pretty fuzzy in the head.
I hope you’re getting enough rest, and things are going as smoothly for you as possible.
I hope your mother leaves you alone for a while, and gives you a break – hope that wasn’t put wrongly. (Thinking of waht I would need from my own mother, in a similar situation. A break, would definitely be it.)
God bless you for what you’re dooing, being there for your step mom right now. I hope that when my time comes, I’m so lucky as to have someone at my side like that.
Forest I am happy for wife of namegoeshere to give you my email address if you need some further ventilation about your son. He was most certainly in my prayers tonight.
Sincerely
Sleepless
Dear Sleepless –
Thank you. I would love some e-mailcontacts, people I can keepin touch with, and reserve tis site for staying more on topic….I am so thankful to whoever started this site.
Thank you for the offer. Should I post my e-mail address here, do you think ? Or, how is this going to happen ? Not quite understanding the logistics of it all. My brain is in a fog this morning.)
However it works out, thank you for the offer.
Thank you, any and every one, who prays for my son. I appreciate it so much. In feeling so helpless to do anything for him, praying and asking others to pray makes me able to tell myself that there is still some hope.
I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your prayers. Thank you.
Wife of NGH…..
Sleepless and Forestchild…..
I just sent you both an email with the other’s email address…. 🙂
It would be best to not post it publicly unless you want the rest of the World Wide Web to know it….. 🙂
Remember this is not private but open to the public…..Just so you don’t accidentally put something in you don’t want made public.
Oh…and I added your son’s name to my prayer journal….(((hugs)))
Thank you, wifeofNHG. Appreciate it very much.
God bless.
As of yesterday afternoon, my son seemed to be doing better. (thanks to all for prayers.)
My husband just admitted he thinks my son ‘may be bipolar’. I don’t think it’s a maybe. I’ve thought this about him since right after he graduated high school.
If he is, I just hope somebody catches it and he gets on medication.
I’ve been diagnosed bipolar myself – but also been diagnosed a lot of other things. Don’t think bipolar really fits – as when I was manic, I was on (and then coming off) Effexor. (Which will make anybody crazy.) But, after watching mom, if it turns out I really am bipolar, I’ll take the medications even though I hate them, rather than wreck everybody’s life that gets near me.
So, we’ll see how this goes.
My husband and I are going to move to a 3-bedroom apartment, so we will always have a ‘guest room.” That’s spelled home base for our son. (Of course, if his brother or sister or both need to crash here also, he’ll just have to scoot over and hang up a blanket.)
Dear Sleepless –
Thinking of you, hope to hear soon how your step mom is doing and how you’re doing.
May the gods of happy sedation send a big dose to your mother, so she’ll be nice and happy and okay, but give you a break. Maybe the gods of nitrous oxide, or something. (?)
(Well it’s a thought.)
May they send a dose to my mother while they’re at it. Make her all sparkly-happy, only thinking about good stuff. That would be nice.
(I wouldn’t mind a whiff of that myself. Not the real stuff – but the fantasy stuff I’m picturing. Just some happy air full of positive vibes, if it came floating by, I’d take it.)
Forestchild:
I’ve often mentioned the unfortunate lack of tranquilizer darts loaded with thorazine. You didn’t hear it from me, but canned whipped cream is pressurized with nitrous oxide….
Already knew about the whipped cream. (Never done it – only had nitrous when there was a dentist involved.)
Hm…how to put together the dart thing and the wipped cream thing. (Whipped cream is not that expensive, and I’ve got pretty good aim….)
Not a bad idea. 🙂
Just saw my son, at my older son’s house….reminding me very much of mom. He’s in no way despondent (at the moment)….standoffish and somewhat hostile to everybody, talking about his next road trip. (The solution to most then when I was growing up was to move, sometimes cross country…..and mom has wondered why I feel like she hates me, during her moments when she wasn’t acting like she hated me.)
This is giving me second thoughts about housing this kid. I could live with a depressed person. I can not live with that smouldering manic hostility. Wondering now, if he moved in, would I always be waiting for the next bad thing that he arranged to happen.
Going to talk to Rusty about this, then get back on here and listen to my brain rattle until I start making sense.
Okay, more brainrattle.
Does anybody on this group have a bipolar child…?
(Might not be what’s up with this boy…but it’s really looking like it.)
Thing that scares me…I’ve heard him come home all hostile towards somebody else…and sound like mom. (No. No no no.) I mean…I make sarcastic jokes. I don’t go out and get in fights. My son does – and my mother does. (Did. Does. She’s in her seventies, and recently chased a neighbor out of her house. Then the story circulated that she pulled a gun on the neighbor. Don’t know whether to think she really pulled the gun…or just started the rumor. Either, would be absolutely like her.)
People that don’t know me (and her), don’t believe me when I say things like that. Getting the feeling I’ll be believed on this group….
Where I’m going is, my depressed son is also violent at times.
I need to stop with him, at this point. Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts….this is the condition the boy is in, which feels better to me than having him suicidal….but only because I can get away from him and not watch him systematically destroy himself. Again, like his grandmother. Only she tends to avoid self-destruction, by finding ways to harm others. (People who are still in her life are starting to take me a little more seriously about that, now that I have withdrawn from the picture. When I’m not her target, somebody else is.)
If this kid is like mom, please God I hope he doesn’t ahve my grandchild and then treat it badly, I couldn’t watch that….
But hey. I don’t have any grandchildren. What I’ve got is the co-bipolar headspin (for lack of a better term.) That’s when you’ve been around a loved one who is just so out there, that you end up sounding like I sound right now.
Going to go take a bath. And buy osme canned whip cream. (Joking. That was a joke. No whipped cream – jsut the bath. Please pardon the sarcasm)
I don’t think that third bedroom is happening right away. I think me back in reality, is happening.
Thank you all for letting me rant, I owe you about eight hundred dollars in therapy bills jsut for today. You’re the best, God bless you.
Sorry, I’m not done. But I’m back on topic.
Remembering mom’s latest suicide threats (that I knwo of – this was when my stepdad was still alive. Right after he died and I didn’t have to worry about him, was when I cut ties with her, because I had to.)
She told me she had made a suicide pact with my stepdad, that if they had to go in a nursing home they would kill each other, die together, they had it all planned.
My stepdad was a very nice Mormon gentleman – always say (lightly but not really joking here) that if he didn’t get into heaven, nobody’s going. (Think he was the most deserving adult human male I’ve ever met. I was taught that Mormons don’t go to heaven…but I was taught a lot of things I don’t buy.)
Anyway. I mentioned this to my stepdad and he totally freaked, said there was no way he would ever kill anyone including himself and what was I talking about, so I knew then that this was another one of mom’s….well, they’re called lies, aren’t they ? It might have been true in her head…but I really don’t think so, as she instantly dropped it.
The corker is, earlier that same month, might have been the same week, she was telling me my stepdad was going downhill mentally and it was “getting time to put him in a home”.
Also around that time….and after I had overdosed three times and finally had my stomach pumped (which got my attention – I never went there again!), mom was showing me all the pills that were either his and hers or just his, anyway, she said, “Sometimes I feel like just taking all of them.” I said, “Ever had your stomach pumped, mom ? Why don’t you go ahead and try that.” She said, “I was only kidding – but you know, sometimes you feel like it.” (She had played the sympathy card one too many times – the game was over at that point.)
I *hope* this suicide thing is just my son playing the sympathy card. From the looks of him today, it might be – again, I hope so. Because I know how to get away from people if I have to – and I do run out of sympathy at some point. Don’t run out of love….but sympathy thing, has its bottom.
Just another story about mom – another concrete reminder of exactly why I can’t be around her at this point. (Most people can’t be around her. She’s quite lonely, and complains about it. Nothing I can do about this….it got to the point of, jump ship and save myself.)
God.
If I actually am bipolar, I’ll be happy to take Lithium and be sluggish and gain weight. No problem.
Forestchild:
If you ever have legal proof that your son wanted to commit suicide (voicemail, email, papers, etc.) then you should take that to social services or the hospital. They will put you in contact with the right people. Once the legal system is involved, they might force him into counseling and treatment. Of course you would be hated for that, but I don’t think that’s anything new.
I know that if my Mom ever said that she was planning on hurting herself or someone else, I’d have no problem turning the evidence over. It would help Dad much more than it would me.
Thank you. Point taken.
As far as mom – she has always been *very* careful about leaving evidence of her real intentions.
Examples: I told an aunt I couldn’t stand to talk to her, was thinking of writing instead, shortly before I stopped contact. My mother called me and said, “If you can’t call, don’t write.” (With good reason! She might get caught up with!) It came down to my husband and myself considering getting (mind blank) oh, loudspeaker on our phone – also tapping the phone line. So someone would be aware of what she was saying, besides me.
As a child, of course, this was worse. My mother would regularly tell me things, and when I repeated what I had just heard her say, demand to know where I heard such a thing. (She also did this to my father, who had quit drinking many years earlier. He started sipping a lot of cough syrup.)
One particular beating was due to catching her in a bold-faced lie.
(Sorry….reminiscing.)
My point is, if I were in contact with my mother, I doubt I would ever be a good enough detective to prove some of the things she would tell *only* me. (I suppose it was a special privelege in reverse.)
My son, is an internet junkie – so I doubt he would be as slippery.
If it comes to this kind of crisis again, I may go investigating. At this point, I think he may have been having bouts of the kind of depression that involve much self-pity…..and laying it on very thick to my daughter, who then passed it on to me, and also laying it on thick to me when we spoke on the phone. (There’s that phone thing again. That lost tome of voice.)
My older son, never bought it. He’s immune to “the voice”. (Maybe I should learn to text-message my yougest….?)
I still only feel safe contacting my mother, if it’s in writing. She still doesn’t want to write.
What you just told me, I think she has known for a long time.
(Then there was her stealing and saving my letters to and from other people, diary entries….but I’ve been on here quite a bit, so will save that for another time. But there *is* a great deal of irony there….)
Thank you for the sugestion. Especially where my son is concerned. It’s much appreciated – can’t tell you how appreciated it is.
Forestchild:
Sounds like you have enough material for a blog of your own! Why don’t you start one? It can be done anonymously, as this one is.
It’s not very hard to record conversations, most MP3 players have that feature.
Recording phone calls is a bit more difficult and can cost $50-150 to do. Laws differ from state to state as well, and if you live in a 2-party state, you’re better off not doing it. However, the law just means that cocnversations aren’t legal as evidence, but they can be used to ‘help’ someone who is suicidal.
(Embarrassed) I do have a blog, elsewhere.
Wrote a bit much, didn’t I ? Sorry.
Won’t be doing any telephone wiretapping now – as I no talk to mom on the phone, so don’t have to go into that kind of thinking. (Big relief from what it used to be.)
This will be my last July 7 post here – apologize for monopilzing. Thank all for your graciousness.
Experience with mom: I realized today, while blogging, how scared I am that she’ll write now that I sent her a birthday gift…and gave her my PO box. I may change PO boxes. (I’m afraid of being sucked back in, by way of sympathy for her….whcih I do have. If she feels unloved by me, it’s not my fault – she is not unloved. I’m just scared, and for good reason.)
Had been thinking of trying out sending her three gifts a year, and allowing her to write, writing briefly back just to give her some attention. Thinking, Mother’s Day, her birthday, and Christmas…maybe she’d let me get away with that, and not hone in on me as a target.
Now I’m thinking, two gifts a year. Christmas, and Mothers Day/birhday. (They’re close together.) Also thinking of something I almost never do, because it’s a form of lying….renting a mail box temporarily, sending her gifts from there, telling her this is my new address…..and then if she wtites to my regular PO box, not reading her letters. Keeping them unopened. (Think paper trail here.)
This bipolar thing, is sad. I’d like to give her what she wants, some contact….but I know what I’m in for if I do. If she’d back off at all, if I could trust her even a little, I’d give her what she wants….not *as much* as she wants (there’s never enough) or the *way* she wants is (daughter equals target), but I would stay in touch.
Part of what has led to the gift-giving urge, is being exposed to twelve-step programs, wanting to have my amends made. (And, I have done some emotional harm to her.) Unexpectedly, right now I feel relieved around that. I’m making all the amends I can safely make. Unsafe amends are not reasonable – as far as I’m concerned. Other people that I know, feel differently around that amends thing…..and you know what, they’re just going to have to feel differently. I get to feel safe.
Forestchild:
It sounds like your mother is like my mother, and you said ‘nothing is ever good enough’. I realized that fairly early (middle school age) and stopped trying to please her at all. If what I did was good, then her opinion of it really didn’t matter.
One of the examples I have is in 10th grade science class. I enjoyed biology, and nearly always made the highest grade on the tests. I never studied for them, it just made sense. On one occasion, I got an 89. Mom spent an hour telling me that I could obviously do better and was a real disappointment to her, but I just blew her off. What she didn’t know is that my 89 was the highest grade on that test, and the next highest was an 83. I didn’t tell her that, I knew by then that it really wouldn’t have mattered anyway.
A quote I heard recently really sums up what you need to internalize – ‘I will never live for the sake of another, or require that another live for me’. Probably a poor paraphrase, but it works. You are responsible for yourself, and can not pass that responsibility off. If married, you may (and should, IMHO) voluntarily place your spouse’s benefit above your own. The same applies to minor dependent children, with the caveat that what they ‘want’ and what they ‘need’ are not the same thing. Your job as parent is to raise them, not to make them happy.
Another quote, I think from the same book, is ‘guilt is a rope that wears thin’. Mom’s guilt rope frayed and broke long ago, mostly due to overuse. I’m sure your mother’s is at or near that point.
I am at work so do not have time to read all of the posts. Can someone help me? I am the child of a bipolar mother who died a few years ago from a brain hemorrhage at 63 after taking a fall. Anyhow, I am married 19 years with 2 kids. My problem: (yes, I have seen a therapist for years) Whenever my husband’s attention is diverted from me by some other type of relationship with others (union meeting, long talks on phone re: hobby, etc.) I feel abandoned and threatened. I complain, we fight, I cry. I cannot control this. It is a feeling deep inside like I am going to lose him. It has made for some stormy times in our marriage, believe me. It is a deep-seated insecurity. I can try to do something rational like go outside and garden, talk a walk, or drive, but I am miserable the whole time and feel like I have to cling to him. I would rather be in his arms. If he is mad at me and needs some time to be alone, I bother him and bother him. I know this is related to abandonment when my mom was hospitalized and I would come home as a small child and she would not be there for a month. Later, my sisters and I would be hypersensitive to her moods (uh-oh…why is she writing us notes in capital letters with colorful pens? Why is she waking up really early in the morning?) I need some kind of solution but doubt there is one. My therapist knows all of this and gives me suggestions. My husband loves me but this really affects us. What do I do? Again, it feels like a primal feeling of loss when he is gone doing something else (other than working) with someone else. He has probably become the substitute for my mother, etc. who knows. What do I do?
From my recent experience – make sure it’s not all you that’s the problem!
This could be bunk – but here goes.
I spent 26 years marrid to a compulsive gambler, cheat, sexaholic, and liar. But he put up an excellent front (and the man does have his good qualities – he’s just an addict), he was an active alcoholic when we met but he quit drinking, at which point all the other stuff got worse.
Problem,,,,? I thought it was all my fault. I was causing this wonderful man to behave this way. Therapy was no help there, as I was cast in the role of family problem child…..which I had been growing up.
One good thing has come out of finally getting it deep down inside that my mother (and her sister, my aunt) ‘s problem(s) had nothing to do with me. I slowly have been able to get that about my (as of tonight) former husband as well.
After six years in and out of women’s shelters (and the psych ward), I finally started questioning *his* behavior. (The women’s shelters helped. The intake questions. I really had to look at some problems….of his, not mine. They also helped me break off contact with my mother, as many of their intake questions applied to her.)
Anyway. Tonight my (now former) husband came home one more time saying the i r s has caught up with him, he has no money for rent or anything else, (I don;t know whether it;s the i r s or a loan shark)…..but it was one too many times. I told him to leave, tomorrow is restraining order day, and Monday is file for divorce day.
You and your husband being both adults, rather than a parent/child…are you sure none of it’s him, it’s all you ? (I may be way off here. But I spent so many years thinkingmy former husaband was such a hero to put up with my problems from my childhood, when the truth is we both had bad childhoods, and we both took quite a bit of bunk from each other. I just got the labesls, and he didn;t – which I accepted readily, as I was used to playing problem child due to upbringing.
Again, just a question. Icould be way off.
(Incidentally, irony here – former husband is now back living in my mother;s house at this point. This should be interesting – but by no means in any good way,)
To ‘A’ – Emotional abandonment is terrifying and experiencing this as a child can trigger major responses as Adults. I was 5 years old when my Mother picked me up from school and through her flood of tears announced to me that “they” were coming for her and that I wouldn’t see her for a long time. I remember showing her a painting I had drawn thinking at the time if persisted in her looking at it that her story of being abducted might change – but it didn’t. Sure enough the ambulance arrived a few days later and “they’ took her away.
There were more hospitalisations after that, foster homes and an orphanage. My point is, as a child missing a significant caregiver is threatening to a child’s survival. We archive these feelings but we don’t put the lid on them so hence any sense of potential abandonment triggers the release lever and whoa terror sets in. I would like to share with you an exercise that has helped me over the years.
Find somewhere alone to sit where you won’t be interrupted for a few moments and close your eyes. Picture in your mind’s eye yourself as a child – when you were a child and your significant caregiver left how you remember feeling – what were you doing, wearing etc. For example, were you crying, were you curled up with your hands cupping your face? Can you see yourself looking frightened? Hold this image in your mind for a moment. Now as the Adult you are today what would you like to say and do to comfort this child. In your mind, go to the mini you and pick her up, embrace her, tell her that “ it’s ok now, you will look after her and no one is going to hurt her again.
This is self-parenting, nurturing the wounded child within. Also it is ok in your current situation with your husband to let go, just let go of the need to control. I don’t say the word ‘just’ lightly as if it is easy but in letting go you are releasing yourself from reliving the trauma. When you feel the knot in your abdomen, the terror, go back to the child within and embrace her, acknowledge her fear and continue to reassure her. The world will not stop if you let go and remember ‘what’s for you won’t go by you.
Self-talk is good too. For example when you feel the fear or a trigger say to yourself “ I love myself enough not to put myself through this” “ I am nurturing my wounded self and there is healing and I no longer need to be right or impinge upon the basic right of another’s freedom of movement. Again “ I love myself enough to let go and let things unfold naturally”
There are many more strategies and I hope you may find some comfort in trying this. We are all a work in progress. Don’t be so hard on yourself, forgive yourself for thinking that as a child you did anything wrong. Just remember to breathe and let go.
Warm regards
Sleepless
A:
It is really amazing to me the variety of problems that people have that were (at least partially) caused by their bipolar mothers. Makes me thankful that I got off relatively easily in that respect.
A few questions for you about your abandonment problems:
Does your husband know the cause and scope of these problems? If not, then you need to explain it to him until he understands.
You said that when he needs some alone time you bother him. How far does your husband have to be for you to get those feelings? Does he have to be in the same room, somewhere in the immediate vicinity? I
How do you deal with him going to work, which I assume he does every day? Is it just a problem when he is somewhere unscheduled?
Have you made progress with your counselor? If so, great. I would make sure that they understand just how much of a problem this is causing, and that it really needs to be worked on. If you haven’t made progress, then it may be time to find a different one.
Yes, my husband knows the reason for my separation anxiety. It is rearing its head right now in a horrible way. He just retired (he is only 44) from a public safety position that allows you to retire with a good pension and free health plan after 20 years. He was going to do a mindless job that he enjoys but instead, has an former coworker who is organizing an effort to overthrow the current union representation in my husband’s workplace to start up with a new one. My husband is talking on the phone alot with these guys, leaving to go visit the workplaces to pass out info, etc. I am SOOOOO feeling anxiety. I never felt separation anxiety with him when he went to work, and believe me, he worked a lot (weekends, holidays including Christmas, and a ton of overtime). I would get boo-hooey if in one period he worked excessive amounts of overtime (live more than 5 extra shifts). When he is doing this union organization work (p.s. he is not getting paid for this) and he is on the phone in the same room, I feel threatened and anxious. He told the kids and me that he was going to retire and spend more time with them fishing, etc. and instead he is enmeshed in this union effort so hasn’t started spending more time with them (he has been retired for two months). I think that the difference between work is this…he HAD to work. He is CHOOSING to spend time with these people to organize the effort and not getting paid. In other words, he wants to do it. It is not like a job where he HAS to go. Sigh. I am acting nuts re: this. The guy that is the head organizer is an overachiever and is spending all of his time on the phone and driving around the state passing on the word about this new effort. He is spending hardly any time with his family. This guy LOVES calling my husband and talking and loves to talk. I guess I am afraid that my husband will become like him. I just found out last night that if this effort is successful, my husband will be offered a job with them. Again, we are fighting every day and I am crying and miserable. I do not want him to do this job. I stuck with him through 4 years in the Navy, and 20 years in a public safety job. This job seems worse to me (meaning that when he is home, is will be busy on the phone and computer all the time and his full attention will not be with us (I am sure that my fears are really that his attention will not be with ME). I am going to try to move up my appt. with my therapist to this week instead of next. I may have convinced him to go with me to a marriage counselor last night. While he understand this is about my mom, we have known each other for 26 years (since we were 18) and have been married for 19 of them (married when we were 25). He somewhat understands but after all these years sees it as more of an excuse. He is not close to his mom (an alcoholic) though he used to be until he got tired of her drinking too much. When he goes somewhere unexpected it throws me into a crying/whining state and we have a fight. RE: my therapist…she is great and I have seen her for years. She has given me ways to deal with them but these separation feelings are SO strong (it feels like they are coming from my gut) that I feel like I cannot do the things she tells me to do and I resort to my old behaviors. If she tells me to leave the house to take a ride, go in the pool, go out back and garden and that he loves me and will be back, I try, but I am right back to bothering him in a minute or two (why do you have to go? when will you be back? when are you getting off the phone? when is your next meeting?) Yeah, I know I sound nuts now. I am not bipolar per many therapists and I am fine when he and I are getting along, or has no other things he is doing outside the home, but now that this other thing has come up, I am a mess. Another thing about me…I am not good with change and yes, this is a change to the life I have known for 20 years. Also, there are things about the extent of the way I act with him that I have not entirely told my therapist because I am embarassed about the way I have acted. I have a degree and am successful in what I do. I know she respects for a not being a dummy but I am too embarassed to tell her that when he tried to leave the house to go for ride, I followed him, or something similar. I wish that I was able to get over this and be a normal person when in every other way, I am.
To Sleepless, thanks for the post. Some of the things you said hit home so much that I have tears in my eyes. I will try the exercise you mentioned though I have tried many times to reason with my feelings and convince myself about my husband loving me…and I still have these anxious, unreasonable feelings no matter how hard I try. Again, I will try your exercise and thanks…
To Forestchild…thanks for getting back to me. There are indeed many times my husband is not easy to get along with. After 20 years in a public safely position, he has changed. He is easy to anger and even if he is in a bad mood about something that has nothing to do with me, I feel like he is mad at me and keep asking “Why are you mad at me?” It makes no sense. We had a huge fight the other day. He came home from chopping wood in 90 degree humid weather, was tired, and had nothing to eat. He had the worst look on his face. I made the mistake of complaining about someone/something. His patience was low because of his previous few hours and he is grumpy when hungry, etc. so he made a comment about me being dense. That set me off and it made for a horrible afternoon…fight, etc. You are right…he is no saint but oftentimes, can be one. I am not holding him up as a hero because I know that he has a lot of flaws. Wonder sometimes why I chose him (again, his negative career in public safety changed him) but also am amazed at how great he can be sometimes.
To A:
Having read only part of your post. I don’t think you’re acting nuts.
I thinkyour husband knows how you feel – and is acting like he doesn’t care, and that is emotional abandonment.
Sounds to me like if he spent more time with you, *and was really emotionally there with you*, you might find it easier to allow him a reasonable amount of personal time.
Sounds to me like you’re feeling abandoned – because you’re being abandoned.
Just my opinion. But it’s from experience.
To all on group:
Just had an experience with my bipolar mother.
I called her.
My husband is contesting a restraining order (won’t go into the other weird b****llsh****t he’s been pulling), and I feel real threatened without that restraining order. (For good reason.)
So yeah, I called my mother. She *is* bipolar, and I *do* know I’m choosing to have to deal with that again….
But she’s also heavily Irish. We’re an Irish family. And we have a loooong history of closing ranks when someone’s personal safety is threatened, and resuming the family feud later. Had it before I was born, and I hope my children will carry it on.
Bipolar or not, the deal in my family (at least on my mother’s side) has always been: you threaten one of us, you threaten the whole crazy bipolar Irish team. Oh, yeah.
So….I don’t expect sympathy from the group about this, if it turns hard to deal with. Just wanted to say, my upbringing was not all bad.
One maybe hypomanic, maybe just Irish story (hard to tell apart sometimes)….once in my teens, I had moved two states away, my mother and I were fighting….and it got dangerous. I called her – and she drove through one state and into the other, picked me up, had a cup of coffee, turned around and drove home, and then went to work and worked a whole shift, without sleeping.
I have several stories like that.
Right now I feel much more threatened by my husband, than by my mother.
And she’s mad at him – he (addictive gambler) owes her a lot of money.
So…that’s the scoop.
Do know I need to deal with some childhood (codependent, it’s called) issues, if it weren’t for those childhood issues I would have gotten out of this marriage long ago.
But for today….mom and I have reconnected.
Just heard (didn’t ask – neighbor called)…
My bipolar mother just kicked my former husband out of our former house. Said either he goes, or *the whole family* goes, including grandson.
(Seems she does still own the house.)
Former husband had to move. Son, didn’t.
(My job now, is to not end up back in that house. I did feel like that was held over my head, the constant threat of losing it. losing my home. I need to keep a home that nobody can make me lose now. Hoping I’m in it….we’ll see.)
Wow so what’s the go there? Does she now think you will move back in? It’s ok to reconnect if it feels safe be it only temporary. I too get lulled back into safetybut then oft curse myself for thinking things might be ok. But you never know what’s around every corner – It might not be fire breathing Mommy Dearest everytime. Sleepless slowly slinks out of the room…..
Oh yeah and remember to keep breathing everyone
warm regards
Hi Sleepless. (Still breathing)
I don’t know what my mother thinks as far as that house (Gotten too convoluted in the past to go into here)….just know my job is to STAY OUT OF IT. Might get hard, if former husband wants to deny me support, if I end up back in a shelter. Hope I can take shelter living over going back to that house. Because again…my mother might swear to something one day, and go completely back on it the next.
Would be *easier* if she was a straight up monster….but she’s not. She has almost always come to my rescue if I was in danger…(just had a repressed memory come back. The one time I was in danger, first marriage, age 18. I asked to move home, and she told me, “You’ve got a home, now you go to it.” I had totally forgotten about that….those people who say there;s no such thing as repressed memory, are full of horsesh*******t.
Wow, I need to remember that.
It feels good to be reconnected with my mother…..but I need to remember that.
Did you ever watch Lord of the Rings ? My mother is *so* like Smeagol/Gollum. Smeagol’s a sweetheart who made a mistake, that’s all. Problem with Smeagol is….you never actually know when you’re really dealing with Gollum. And Gollum, is *not* a sweetheart.
Throw that in with those parent-child heart ties of a mother situation. Having a bipolar mother, I think for probably more people than just myself, is a bit like having Smeagol/Gollum for a mother. (It’s a b*****tch.)
But yeah. God, do I need to stay out of that (evil) house.
Hope you guys won’t write me off as a drama queen – not just yet. I swear, my life is ordinarily not all drama and trauma. This month, has been very unusual……and I don’t know why I’m not having a nervous breakdown, because I’m not used to this.
Head back on my shoulders a bit now. Thinking, mom (if she’s in the wrong mood) could very easily say just the right (wrong) thing to the landlord, to get me evicted. It would be her old pattern, to decide she *wants* me bakc in her house – event that *she* will decide whether I get this divorce.
I owe it to her to be the best daughter she will let me be. (Because I sure don’t mind calling on her to defend me, now do I ?) But I also owe it to myself, to take caree of myself. (Also do owe my son some amends. If he *can’t* work, and it;s not due to drugs – it’s due to my past behavior. Won’t go into it here – but htere’s no way this kid doesn’t have PTSD, and there’s no way it wasn’t me that gave it to him. My guilt here, is quite justified.)
Anyway. Mom.
Now the door is open for me to write once a week , as she’s wanted me to resume calling once a week….whether she wants to write back or not. (I do not owe her that weekly call. I know what that would do to me. Dammit, if it wasn’t for that, I’d gladly do it!)
If she’s in town and wants to meet up…..I do owe her some contact, if I can stand it.
I do not owe it to her, to have her at this apartment right now. It really *is* not a good time. I really *do* feel the landlord is looking for any excuse to evict me.
That second part, she doesn’t need to know. All the explanation I owe her, is, it’s a *really* bad time right now. Let’s meet at Russell’s, or in town.
Amend that! (What am I doing……again?”
If she’s in town, I need to out of town or NOT ANSWERING THE DOOR that day! I do NOT owe it to her, to let her come to this apartment – and get me evicted!
(Kepte believing, kept wanting to believe.)
Well. Thank God/the Creator, for info blogs! They can really jog one’s memory sopmetimes!
The avoidance – outright lying. all through my childhood. This is what my whole family did. No one ever just said no,,,,becuase no one ever just heard no, and respected it.
First no I said to one of my parents, I felt so scared afterwards, shking. Mom was having an affair, asked me if I would babysit dad….and tell him she’d gone to Reno with ‘some of the girls’, to ‘get a break.” I told her a straight up no that time….and suffered emotional fallout for it, even though (for once) she respected it and even apologized, because she knew and admitted it was wrong of her to ask me that.
The apology, was unususal. Most often in my upbringing, a straight no without a good excuse might very well start a full-on feud, a rant that would go on for days….well, don’t need to tell you guys about rants, do I ?
But. My memory returns.
And some god news. Former husband left owrd he is not contesting hte restraining order. Need to call the courthouse and make sure he’s telling hte truth….but if that’s true, then it’s also wonderful.
My calling out mom (which I’d rather take a beating than do), shook him up some. Thought it would.
I do owe her that contact by mail, though. Not okay with myself, using her for my own purposes, not showing her any love. and I do love her, I’m just always afraid of her, what bas things might happen if she comes around. (Repeating myself here. Sorry.)
That’s ok Forest. It’s great reading. We can love them and loathe them (jokes) Ahem we can love them but not love their choice of behaviours. My Mother is being nice right now – well on my message machine. It scares me so when she is being pleasant because you never know what the polarity will bring. The calm before the perform. hmm we shall see….
Sleepless
Can relate to that one!
Hope her bout of niceness is a long one…..and that other shoe either dosn’t drop, or falls somewhere besides on you.
Let’s you and I both keep our radars up, shall we ? 🙂
P.S. to Sleepless: Nice save there, getting that “ahem” thing out of your throat. It’s hard not to choke sometimes, on those things… 🙂
Indeed hard not to choke – I have a frog in my throat and I think he just crossed his legs. Yes well 2 days gone by and no missiles launched from either camp. I could be rather bold and say I think I am processing her input into my life more responsibly these days or perhaps age is slowing down my response time lol.
The bad dreams come now. In all this, leaving husband….dreamed I was living in a ratty hotel. Only one shower in the building. a mother and daughter lived there….mother got a shower every morning. Daughter hadn’t gotten a shower in 19 years, but every morning she got her hopes up and got ready, just in case.
This was so hard for me to watch, that I went back to old house that mom owns….but husband pulled up so I had to leave there, otherwise it would break the restraining order.
Know the dream means I am scared to alienate him too far, scared of ending up depending on mom again for anything.
(Yuck. Hate this….)
My goal now is to write my mom briefly once a week. Her wishes start at a call once a week. We’ll see how the writing goes.
Friend who’s a therapist suggested I visualize putting flshbacks on inner DVDs, to store and watch later. Mom is already getting her own series. (But, that seems to be helping, at this point.)
Estranged husband just had me a landline phone hooked up, so we can speak….
Happy, but then got a chill, thinking, “If mom gets my phone number, she can call.”
Taking number off hte wall. Not going to give it to son. He can call out, and get calls back on his cell. That way he won’t be put in that position of screening calls/keeping secret numbers again, which was how he grew up.
Poor kid. All three of my kids. Geez.
So now (once again) my relationship with my (now former) husband, is affected by my mother’s illness.
Even though she rallied to my side with some support that I didn’t expect (it was like the person shining through the sickness for a moment, it was wonderful to get a glimpse of my real mother again) – what I actually asked her to do, was stnd by me as a witness in court. She said she couldn’t get to town due to her health….then told me the next time she planned to be in town for a doctor’s appointment. (Sorry if I already wrote that – and thank you that for this site, where I am finally learning that other bipolar people behave this way, this is not unique to my mother.) Bit of resentment on my part, as a few years ago mom accused me of not being able to tell fantasy from reality…..well duh, considering I grew up contantly hearing bunk like “I can’t comne to town/this is when I will be in town”, I wonder how I ended up out of reality ??? Go figure.
Anyway, the thing with the house….I did *not* ask my mom to kick anybody out of anything. At first it felt good that she would defend me, in any way. But now it will be better for me when former hubby gets a room rented somewhere, as he won’t be trying to move back in with me….and he can’t rent a room from my son because Gramma will kick everybody out. (He *is* still sleeping at my son’s, anyway, his other room situation didn’t work out….sigh.)
Have decided to write mom briefly every *two* weeks, maybe once a month. Thinking once a month would be better – safer. It’s a sad thing, I’d love to be of some comfort to her….but I know from experience that if she gets to thinking about me, she will find out where I live, and she’ll be over here talking sh*********t to the landlord….and the next thing I know, I’ll be evicted. This has been Life With Mom – And Her Illness.
(Yeah. Once a month, I should write. Not every two weeks….)
Well, my son has the house phone number now. He needed it for work reasons. I asked him not to give it out to anyone other than prospective employers – not even other family members. If mom gets ahold of it and calls, I’ll just have to buck up and get off the phone immediately, and risk her wrath.
The landlord seems to be wanting me here now, knows I’m a good tenant and the rest will be paid on time, all of that stuff….
I have marked on the calendar one day a month two write to mom whether I hear from her or not, so I do feel like I’m doing my duty as a daughter (lot of D’s in there…..say *that* three times fast whydontcha!)
On the bipolar front….I know that I’m at least a potential bipolar myself. I’m on meds for PTSD, which I have in spades, go figure….know if I feel myself running on an adrenaline rush for very long, I need to slow down and take my antianxiety meds, because I do know that there’s a thin line between “poential” and “you are there”, and if I haven’t already crossed it I sure don’t *want* to cross it.
Don’t think I’ve already crossed it. Think if I had, I would not or could not put on the brakes and slow down and mellow out.
Hope everyone out there is well, all things considered. Much love to all.
Sorry, me again….but this is important.
At this point, if being in contact with mom through the mail triggers my AlAnon disease, I will have to stop. (I hope it doesn’t….we’ll see. But I have to be careful.)
Just kicked my gambling-and-sex addict husband back out of the house, and cut off *all* contact with him this time, because he is still deep in his disease. (He’s going to harm himself or someone else or both if he doesn’t turn around.)
Realized my own Al Anon (codependent, re/bipolar alcholic mother) disease was totally behind my letting him come back…..he played the health card, and I “couldn’t let him die”.
That “couldn’t let them die” thing, is part of my disease, re/alcoholic bipolar mother.
(I’m safe now. My son is safe now. My home is safe now. One day at a time, six hours at a time.)
Think this falls under an Al Anon twelfth step….thank you for letting me do it.
Sleepless, you are very much in my thoughts.
NGH,
I just wanted to share with you something about my BP mom. I have tried to tell people about her before and they don’t believe me or they think I just must be exaggerating. It has been so frustrating but I think you will totally understand.
When I was a kid, she said to me out of the blue that she was starting to sleep with her bedroom door shut and locked b/c she was afraid that I would come into her room in the middle of the night and kill her. I was very shocked, disturbed and hurt that my mother would think such a thing and I never understood it. I think it is as you have described…projection and role-reversal. I have just recently had a repressed memory come back to me about one night I woke up and she was standing over my bed with a knife. I asked her what she was doing and she said nothing and walked out. I went back to sleep and asked her the next day if she had come into my room the night before and she said no. I wrote it off to having a bad dream b/c I couldn’t understand it. Now I understand it and it scares the daylights out of me. It is so crazy that I don’t think anyone else would believe me but unfortunately, I have a feeling that the people on this site might. Needless to say, we are staying far, far away from her.
Phoenix~
Hey, it’s been a while. Lots goin on right now. Anyway I just wanted to type to say I am still breathing – sigh — Peace and Love
Oh My Goodness,
I just found this blog, and I cannot believe how many others are dealing with the same situation I am. My 60 year old BP mother is filing for bankruptcy and I am facing the prospect of having to support her for the rest of her life. I am just finising grad school with an embarrasing amount of student loans and I also have a chronic illness which is expensive to treat and sometimes limits my ability to work. I have been so depressed over this situation that I was suicidal last week. I have a wonderful therapist who helped me through those thoughts, but I would not be sad if my Mom passed away tomorrow. I would be reliveed. She is a blackhole- I have let her drain me of money, my physical health, and now I fear that I am also showing signs of being bi-polar. My therapist thinks I am just reacting normally to a LOT of stress. I hope she is right. I desperately want to cut my Mom out of my life and have been praying over the prospect for most of the evening.
I guess I just feel obligated to care for her because I know she has an illness. My heart goes out to everyone here- I am so
sorry that you are all dealing with this too.
I’m so glad I found your site. My mother acts as if she is bipolar, though she has not been diagnosed. It isn’t something she would agree to look into, but all the signs are there of a low-level bipolar disorder, maybe hypo mania. I could go on for lines and lines about her history, which included a few years of alcholism (when I was a child) that won’t or can’t be admitted to, though thankfully they are passed, and the effects her bipolar behavior has had on me and my brother, who is estranged from the family no doubt in large measure because of her behavior (I sometimes think he was pushed out of the house by the elephant in the room, sometimes he poked the elephant and was the worse for it), and so on. These past two weeks have seen her tell me to get lost, as in permanently, estranging herself from me and asking me not to attend a family funeral. Part of me feels relieved to have this distance, because it’s otherwise walking on eggshells or having them thrown at me, and part of me is both sad and angry because she can’t leave this between us, or among herself, me, and my father, but has begun forming sides: if I go to the funeral, she won’t, and what havoc that will cause among the extended family, &c., &c. She is maniuplative on top of manic depressive, and I am doing all I can to remember I’m not the cause of it, and to not feel guilty for feeling relieved. Yet I don’t know what to expect next; she is not one to be ignored, even if it is to stoke up the fires of all that is unpleasant. I’m so grateful to have found your site.
To Sick/Tired, and Sleepless –
Sleepless, it’s very good to hear from you. My thoughts have been with you a lot these days.
S&T…..I’m so glad you didn’t commit suicide! Please don’t do that.
Boy, can I relate about your mother. Only difference is, I guess I’m lucky in one way, as my stepdad left my mother well off so now the person she keeps trying to bankrupt is me, ha ha. (Not funny….that was a laugh of insanity. You know, with the crossed eyes and all.)
Best of luck on turning out to be not bipolar yourself….my new shrink just pronounced me not bipolar, though an earlier one gave me the diagnosis. Those of us who grow up with mentally ill parents, learn to imitate our parents the same way other children do, it just makes sense.
YOu are so completely not the only person who has ever expressed the thought that it would not be sad if your mother would just die and leave you alone. That’s a desperate thought that many of us find ourselves thinking…..it’s an effect of our parent’s illness. It’s only natural to wish that a source of constant torment, would just go away.
Someone recently defined stress to me as a demand that one does not have the resources to meet. For me, that definition made sense.
Where I’m at with my B.M. (haha – that’s funny!) 🙂 is this: I decided earlier this year to wtite to her once a month, to assuage my guilt. This week I bought her a card….and I haven’t been able to write anything on it. I’m hurt that she won’t write back, not even a few lines…..but at the same time it would scare me if she did write back, because she scares me. I can’r very well fill her in on the grandkids’ lives, as she calls them all the time. Can’t ask about her health, as she won’t write me back, and I couldn’t trust her to tell me the truth if she did….well, I’m sure you know how it goes.
Actually, I don’t think she calls my youngest son….because he doesn’t call her. Because she gave my oldest son the family home, my daughter an ongoing amount of money….and my youngest son nothing as she disapproves of how he behaves.
Giving myself a headache writing this, so I’m going to stop….will probably just send her the card, write Thinking Of You or something, and leave it like that. I could really relate to what you said about that black hole thing…..it’s just never enough.
So self-defeating on the part of the bipolars who do this. If they would just let it ever be enough, they would probably get so much of what they want in life. But after a while, people around them give up, because they just can’t take it any more.
All my best wishes to you with this. Hope you can take good care of yourself, concentrate on *you* and *your* life, give yourself the attention you’ve probably needed for a very long time.
Like many others that have posted here, I am also very glad I came across this site. I’m twenty years old and my mother’s disorder has led to a complete lack of a stable relationship between us. My parents divorced when I was four and I lived with my mom, which was none to happy to say the least. My mother has also used her illness to manipulate those around her and place blame for her problems. I’ve tried very hard to keep a relationship with her, but I have pretty much given up, seeing as how she has cut me out of her life almost completely. After leaving for college, our relationship further deteriorated as she believed that although I must make my own decisions, apparently I wasn’t allowed unless she gave me permission. After a disagreement (a very small one, but i guess bipolar disorder can warp things), she cut me off when I was nineteen, now that I am living on my own two feet I’ve have found out alot that I never knew about my mother, including how her control over my finances until now has meant that now I seemingly have no money in any of my accounts…..interesting to say the least. I love my mother like any child does, but it hurts alot because it just doesn’t feel like the feeling is mutual when she won’t even talk to you anymore. Anytime I try and talk to her about our relationship she pretends nothing is wrong, and she won’t be honest, but I guess we all now that comes with the territory. I email, I call and leave messages, but she never responds 😦
Much like forestchild wrote, “Actually, I don’t think she calls my youngest son….because he doesn’t call her. Because she gave my oldest son the family home, my daughter an ongoing amount of money….and my youngest son nothing as she disapproves of how he behaves.”, I am like her youngest son, and I deeply understand how much that hurts. My mother got remarried after she divorced my father and two more children. My brother and sister receive ongoing amounts of money and attention and then there’s me, the struggling college student, who’s mother occasionally gave her 30 dollars to last me a month for food (at least I never gained the freshmen 15, lol). It’s not like a Im a bad kid, I graduated with honors. I guess I find myself asking “What did I do wrong?”, but I have come to find out from the support of my father, and many of my friends, that I didn’t do anything wrong, but that mother is just a little bit crazy, haha.
Oh, and for Diane H, you may be interested in the book, “My Mother’s Bipolar; So What Am I?” I plan on buying it immediately myself, it’s had great reviews, and has helped alot of people understand they’re parent’s problems and offer some little bit of forgiveness
At middle age, I’m experiencing a new thing, and my mother has a lot to do with it.
For the first time in my life (that I know of), I cry in my sleep on a regular basis, and wake up crying.
I suppose it’s healthy. I’m experiencing my own grief. (And, I’d rather do my crying asleep than awake.)
Also, it’s helped me come to a decision about writing to my mother at this time.
Recently, I was able to put into words for the first time that my husband and I lost our home last year. This admission was in a social setting, so I didn’t include the story about my mother being the landlord….but it was the first time my brain ever put together the reality of those words, ‘we lost our home’. (After fifteen years there, I’ve been very homesick lately, still haven’t adjusted to this apartment.)
This afternoon I took a nap, and started weeping in my sleep over how much I miss my backyard and my trees, and the home I had such dreams for, where I mostly watched my children grow up. In the dream I was having, I called mom up and asked her, “Why did you have to do that to us ?”
When I woke up, I realized it doesn’t make sense for me to continue writing to her out of daughterly duty, on several levels. One, she makes no effort to reply to my letters, even though when I dont’ write she cries to other people that she misses me “so much” and wishes she would hear from me. (She wants me to go back to calling her. I used to down six shots of Jaegermeitster before calling her, so I wouldn’t remember the awful things she said.)
But more importantly than this, there’s a big chunk of reality I need to face about my mother’s behavior.
This last time she threatened to sue us or evict us for being two payments behind on the house, we were actively making extra payments each month to catch up on the money we owed. Which was originally two thousand dollars….that was the amount of the two payments we missed. We gave us permission to miss them, when my husband’s father was dying of cancer. She told us she would simply add two extra payments at the end of our purchase of the house. Then after my father in law died, the threats to sue us started.
The last threat to sue us or evict us came when she demanded two thousand dollard in full immediately, ignoring what we had already paid *on* the two thousand. She told my son we owed her *twenty* thousand! (He knew better.) She never needed the money, and still doesn’t. She’s quite well off financially. She recently wnet on a spending spree….to buy our son new clothes for his job, clothes he didn’t ask for, and accepted in order not to hurt her feelings.
Last week I bought her a card, but I haven’t been able to make myself write anything in it. There’s no point sharing news about the kids….she’s in touch with the kids. I can’t ask her about her health, since our letters are one-way only. If I send her news about myself, she gets mad because it’s all about me and I’m not interested in her.
The truth is, my mom has treated me atrociously. I’m not sure I can blame it all on her illness at this point….but illness or not, for now I’m able to give myself permission not to write to her. I’ve written to her three times and gotten no reply…..I think after teh way she’s treated me, I’ve more than done my duty as a daughter.
Somehow, this weeping in my sleep thing makes me feel much clearer afterwards, in the waking world.
Forestchild:
Two questions that helped me when I answered them honestly were:
If she weren’t related, what would your relationship be?
If your positions were reversed, what would you do?
What you will find, no doubt, is that your mother is a devious, manipulative, and cruel person. What she does to you is done to keep you in an inferior position, so that she can use you as a toy. It is her decision to remain like that, illness or not. And if she is like my mother, it’s way too late for any meaningful treatment.
Well, this is really setting in–the fact that my mother has severed our relationship. On a moment-by-moment basis, I continue to feel relieved that I don’t have to call just so she can say hurtful things about me and my husband and speak nonstop for the entire duration. But it is also dawning on me that this is really a break that I haven’t figured out entirely–how it will affect my relationship with my dad. Last I heard I was being called dangerous–she was afraid of me–and that any attempt to be rational was a sign of his siding with me. I have always wondered how he dealt with things, but now I wonder what toll this is taking on him. I have have a feeling of dread that this is going to blow up on me in the worst way over the coming holidays. I think this feeling must be a product of living with her manipulative behavior for a long time and being a generally dutiful person–hence an unshakeable guilt when I am not responsible for this. I just don’t like the foreboding.
I’m a 6l yr. old MOTHER (who did a pretty good job of being
everything I could for my 3 boys) I’ve been told my bipolar
disease is minor, but when it hits it is very difficult to live
with me. Until about 1989 I handled it well, by self-medicating
myself. No one knew I was using prescription drugs or drinking
at night until I got out of hand. I’ve been in 5 treatment
centers (most did not help) It did get me out of their lives.
I have the type of bipolar that just comes & goes with no warning.
Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’d live with myself, but have been
married to the same man for 34 yrs.—so sometimes I must be o.k. and great to be with or maybe something is wrong with him for
staying with me. My three sons, other than one who lives near are doing well & other than worrying about me every now & then
they have their own lives & seem pretty happy. The oldest is
living with a woman who is much worse than I am, but has two
children and a super father. The middle son lives in Atlanta
with his partner, both of them are attorneys & have a very happy life with a group of good friends. The youngest took after me
& is artistic. I took him to the College of Art every Sat. from the time he was in Kindergarden. They are all very intellectual
The youngest is an adjunct professor in California. He is a bit
strange, as most artists are, & O.C.D. but also enjoys his life. Of course, they don’t have to live with me & I have become worse
in my old age. What worries me most is how much I hurt my husband, as they have their own lives (not that they don’t worry)
but it’s different. I have changed Phychiatrists (as of last
week) & have a new psycologist/therapist I will see again tomorrow
hoping for help that isn’t the same old (stick her away) nut ward
I even went to John’s Hopkins, & a dual diagnosis place well
thought of in Malibu. I stay clean for a while & then bam–back
it comes. Well enough of this—-Just want to point out that
this is NO FUN for us either, & more testing & trials should be
done.
To “Also Tired” –
I can so completely feel for you.
The hoidays are so hard.
Maybe talking on this group will at least be of some comfort – I really do hope so.
If I get my way (ha ha), I plan to volunteer at a hoeless shelter of the holidays, not sit around with family and long for the old times.
Although I do. Long for them, I mean. But, the way I choose to remember them….which is through rose tinted glasses with very thick lenses. In reality, I spent most holidays crying in the bedroom. So my famlily is already quite used to Mom not being there.
I was just diagnosed with bipolar-hypomania. Don’t know if I’ve ever been fully manic. I’d say my brother, mom and dad are on my “level” of crazy. One of my sister’s is off the damn charts in her personal life, but a great Kindergarten teacher. So weird.
My husband is in Iraq. I had to tell him over the phone. He said, I already knew that, and I love you anyways. But he couldn’t hold me. I am so scared. I have intentionally kept things from my doctors before in order to “avoid” this disease. I was diagnosed ADHD-Inattentive, Anxiety and Depression for four years. Ha. I’m so scared.
I’m 30, childless. And with this diagnosis, should obviously stay that way. Thats how I found this post…googled “should I have children if I am bipolar?” Crazy to find this site, the flip side of the coin. It’s like a sign or something. I wonder if I’ll be able to keep myself from having children (I can talk myself into or out of almost anything). I have never been so honest in my life, how am I doing?
Dear cb :
There *is* another side to my mother, besides her sickness. I wouldn’t trade her for another mother, for all the world.
Of course you have a right to make your own decisions….but I’d like to ask, is this the time to decide that permanently ?
My mother was never treated for her illness. There is treatment.
I’d like to also point out…I don’t know if you’re familiar with the actor Sean Astin, but he is also the child of a bipolar mother. His mother is Patty Duke Astin. Both of them are brilliant, and from what I gather by way of the media, today they have a warm and close relationship. Sean Astin certainly has a successful life, not only as an actor, but in his own family life…and he is also highly educated, though I forget which university he graduated from.
Please don’t sell yourself short. All this information, can be used for something positive.
My mother never realized how her behavior affected me, and she continues to not see how her behavior affects others. You have an opportunity here, to look at these things, and realize it if you catch yourself behaving in these ways.
Also, you said you don’t know if you’ve ever been fully manic. Now you’ve read about what ‘fully manic’ looks like. Hopefully you have a chance to avoid going there, whether you decide to have children one day, or not.
Best of luck to you.
(P.S. – I have been diagnosed as bipolar myself. My psychiatrist now, feels it was probably a misdiagnosis. If I have any choice in the matter, of course I choose not to be bipolar, and of course I don’t want to take the medications for it. But if it turns out I am bipolar, my psychiatrist and I have agreed that I will start taking Lithium. I’ve taken it in the past, and out of all the meds for bipolar disorder, it’s really not so bad….at least, I didn’t find it to be so bad.)
Hi Everyone, Sleepless here. Just writing to say Hi. Miss writing to ya Forest. Forest what is a ‘hoeless’ shelter? The mind boggles. I would like to encourage everyone who is affected in some way that mental illness does not define the individual. Rather that there are individuals managing a mental illness. Some have insight where as other’s insight is grossly impaired. Support groups like this ( I call it that) provide clarity and comradeship – I thought I was the only one dealing with ‘mum’ . Anyway enough waffle for now..Peace and love and most of all sanity! SMILE & HUGS
To Diane H… In regard to the book you asked about. My mother has borderline personality disorder and my stepmother is bipolar. I got a book called “Surviving a Borderline Parent” it is by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman, Ph.D., LCSW. It is all about how the children are affected, the chilren like me. And like you. Although the book is specifically for kids from Borderline parents, it has been enormously helpful for me for dealing with the hurt from both of their disorders. Check it out. You can purchase on Amazon, or at Borders.
Peace to you along your journey of unlearning.
-teen
Hi, Sleepless – been thinking about you, hope you are doing well.
Er, I think I meant to write ‘homeless shelter’. Ha ha. Guess a hoeless shelter would be place where they don’t allow ho’s. (?)
(I’m a lousy typist without my glasses these days. Middle age, you know.)
At this point my husband and I are back living under the same roof and trying to find some semblance of working things out, but I’m going back to school just in case it doesn’t.
I write to my mother once a month, and she doesn’t write back, which I’m perfectly comfortable with. She sent me a hundred dollars and a potted plant for Christmas though….money and gifts have always been her way of communicating any kind of….affection or whatever it is she feels. I feel bad for her, I can only imagine what it must be like to live in her head, I know it’s hard enough just to live in my own. But that’s the peace we’ve made. (I was very tempted to send back the money, I don’t want to take money from her, but I think she would have been hurt if I’d done that. If that’s how she’s comfortable communicating with me, then so be it, as long as it’s not a loan.)
My onw psych doc has pronounced me officially not bipolar, which is a huge relief. He’s treating me for PTSD, and I feel like the diagnosis fits.
Mostly I think being a member of a twelve-step group (won’t say which one due to anonymity) has helped me tremendously in this area. Also finding this group, and discovering there were others out there like me, has been a life saver.
My computer has been on the fritz, but I do think about you often. Your friendship has been a blessing to me. I do hope good things are coming your way in life.
Sending you a big hug!
I am a 37 year old mother of 3 with bipolar disorder. I believe now that my adoptive mother, in addition to having the congenital heart defect that killed her, was also bipolar. Around the time she left my father for his alcoholism (something I’d never, ever seen) she left our house and thus also left me there, supposedly with this alcoholic dad. I was only 15 at the time and she would call and harangue me about why I wouldn’t come live with her where she was staying in a one bedroom suite in a friend’s house. Then she moved into the basement of our home, giving my father a note that said she was just exercising her property rights and would not be bothering him. However, he found her standing over him on a few different nights, and sometimes she’d make herself at home on the main floor while we were out (there was a bedroom, bathroom, living area with fireplace, the laundry room and a kitchenette with full size fridge and freezer in the basement — it was nicer than any of the apartments she lived in later).
At Thanksgiving, I went with her to visit some relatives — her stepbrother was a lawyer. She made a point to ask me to leave the room while she discussed some legal and estate matters with her stepbrother. Later, she called out to my (step) cousins and me that we could go into the kitchen and fix a snack. At that point she loudly discussed how to guarantee my father would never get his hands on any of her money (which was all going to be settlement money from him for the divorce) and that she wanted her father, brother, nephews and even friends to inherit before I got a penny.
At Christmas I chose to go with my dad to visit my paternal grandparents. She screamed and cried from the basement and sent disturbing voicemail messages. Then she went to visit family in NYC and sent back photos of her having obviously been crying, or even crying in the photo, but dressed to the nines for elegant holiday gatherings.
She picked fights with me the few times we were together, then told everyone my father and I must be having a sexual affair. Then she wondered why I didn’t spend more time with her.
She died after the long, contentious divorce was finalized, between my sophomore and junior years of high school. I’ve come to peace with a lot of things now and remember the great times that did exist.
My point, more than 20 years later, is that I hadn’t realized before reading all these posts how much of the manipulative relationship tools came into play with bipolar disorder. My kids, ages 16, 13 and 5, all tell me that I’m the best mom ever and give me hugs, etc. Now I’m starting to wonder if I manipulate that behavior from them. I don’t think I do. I don’t see myself as pushy. But what if I don’t see it?
My life with my kids has not been perfect, but I feel I relate well with my children and create an atmosphere of love and respect. I know there are times I get angry and can’t stop my mouth, but I have improved a lot at removing myself from those situations before they get really out of whack.
Thank you for this blog and all your candid posts. I am a writer and am hoping to earn a fellowship from the Carter Center for mental health journalism and have been considering exploring myths and attitudes about mothers with mental illness.
Amy:
As you’ve described, and seen from my descriptions and others here, it’s not uncommon to see manipulative or paranoid behavior.
The pictures from Christmas are probably the best example of that, because only a sadistic person would try to manipulate you with guilt like that. At least she is now permanently out of your life, and that of your kids.
Recognizing that you may have learned some undesirable behavior from her is the first step.
Talk with your husband about your relationship with your kids. Make sure that he knows how you grew up, and what your concerns are for making sure that you don’t perpetuate that cycle. He should be able to tell you if your interactions use any of those manipulative tools.
Keep in mind also that good parenting will use manipulative tools to an extent to encourage or discourage behavior. What you are really looking for is the level or appropriateness of them.
A silly example would be telling a child that ‘everyone likes people with nice smiles’ to get them to brush their teeth. Not true, and definitely manipulative, but not unhealthy. An unhealthy example would be telling the child that ‘Mommies only love children with clean teeth.’ The difference should be clear.
No parent is perfect, and kids seem to be built to handle it fairly well. What you are trying to do is be as consistent as possible, and let them know when you mess up.
One of my favorite myths about mental health is that these disorders are caused by a chemical imbalance. The exact opposite appears to be the case. As to people’s attitudes, people who haven’t experienced it first hand have no basis for comparison. ‘You must be over reacting’ is a common response that I got. After hearing some of the messages, that usually changes.
I am a adult and my mother is a undiagnosed bipolar case. Its always been there laying close to the surface showing its ugly head now and again, but over the past 10 years it has gone into a full downward spiral. After cutting out every relative, parent , sibling, and friend she ever had , my mother is now focusing all her anger agression and mean spirit toward my father (he is disabled). She threatens him and verbally abuses him. She is off the deep end so to speak. She is emotinally and verbally abusive to my siblings as well as myself, although i seem to have the “best” relationship with her in part because i see the illness and have studied it, and also because i am a christian and feel that God made me her daughter for a reason, therefore i try like heck to keep her at least talking to me and not cutting me out of her life. Its amazing, she holds down a full time job, i am almsot certain that others see her ill manner but because she is highly productive (mania) and almost a workoholic it suits the company just fine as long as she is producing. She calls me in a state of mania and she will be cussing and angry and the next minute she is crying and sobbing. She is addicted to pain meds and I am certain it is because she is in so much pain and i mean emotionally and physically from her illness. She is exhasuted and i dont know how much longer she will go on before probably having either a breakdown or getting fired for lashing out at somebody. She screams all the time, she hates everybody and says so on a regular basis. You cant eat out with her because every waitress is stupid or a idiot, every store clerk is “rude” to her and every doctor is a bafoon. If i were to bring up that she has even a slight”problem ” and should seek help she would cut me off from her life in a heartbeat. She causes family drama and for a small spell starting telling “lies” within the family structure till she got caught and it backfired. HOWEVER in true form she managed to make everybody else apologise and controlled when and how she would communicate with us all again. Its a neverending cycle of pain fo me. This is the woman who gave birth to me , who put bandaids on my boo boo’s and threw me amazing birthday parties. I know most would say its too dangerous destructive etc and that i should cut ties. But i just cant. My heart wont let me. If nothing else i am a stabilizing force , even if it is small. I pray all the time that the Lord will come down and help her, that somehow she will seek help. But its never her, its everybody else. Her doctors cannot see it because she puts on a normal facade and acts like she is on top of her game. However recently i think she has had some runs ins at the clinic that is treating her for pain, she flashed on some nurses and doctors who basically warned her they wont treat her if she acts like that. Yet none of them seem to see a mentally ill individual who clearly needs help. I know she knows there is something wrong. And as i said lately it seems to be almost on verge of total meltdown. I know that most of who i see and talk to is the illness. My mother has been gone a long time now. But she held me when i was young, and I feel as if i have to uphold her as she turns old. Thank you for giving me a chance to express my sorrow. I will never stop hoping that someday it will get better.
I am Bipolar NOS. Anyone who thinks this disorder is not caused by a chemical imbalance is way way off base. I have been treated since I was 10 years old. I will be 50 this year with a 22 year marriage and two wonderful sons ages 19 and 12. Amazing how life can turn out with competent mental health treatment.
Bipolars always think that there way is p-erfect and that everyone else is the problem. I feel sorry for your children who are just now begining to realize that their mother is imbalanced and will spend their adult life dealing with the trauma of a mentally ill parent. I know this because my own bipolar mother thinks she has done a great job as a parent and wife. My brother and I are both successful and my mother loves to credit herself. She and my father have been married 54 years and she thinks she has had a great marriage also. My father has had a miserable life and she has been the worst example of a wife and mother. To hear my mothers side she has been fine and everyone else has a problem I see her in your proud posting. SICK!!!!
I am the daughter of a bi-polar mother. My father left her for another woman when I was three years old. My mother was committed to a state hospital at that time for hallucinations and expressing that she wanted to kill me. That was in 1957. The word bi-polar did not exist then; she was diagnosed with a schizoid personality disorder. Upon release from the hospital she never took any medication or went to any counseling. I, alone, had to cope with her rages. For any little thing I was slapped and screamed at. At worst she would humiliate me by pulling down my pants and spank me in front of others. Once she made me strip, spanked me and told me she hated me – for wearing a $2.00 pair of cotton tennis shoes out to play. She did apologize for saying she hated me. Big deal.
When I turned 18 I joined the WAC and moved 2,000 miles away. I only saw her once or twice a year and even then she had a hard time being civil. She was finally diagnosed with bi-polar in her 60’s after a stroke: a doctor at her rehab center was concerned about her behavior because she had kicked a therapist in the stomach and was refusing to do her therapy – in her usual rageful way.
If that wasn’t enough hell to go through, one of my daughters has been diagnosed as bi-polar after being verbally and emotionally abusive with her little toddler. I tried to get her to get help for almost two years and when nothing worked I told her that I would call CPS if she ever mistreated the child again. [I had cared for and homeschooled this lovely child for 2 years while her parents worked long hours]. For me and her papa, she was the heart of our hearts. When I made this stand to protect the child from further verbal and emotional abuse the parents found another caregiver and went into hiding. The father allowed me a one 1 1/2 hour visit with her during the past 8 months. It feels like she died; it is the cruelest thing anyone has ever done to me, not to mention the loss for my granddaughter, who LOVED me and her papa so much. I can do nothing because CPS and the Texas courts are over loaded with physical and sexual abuse child victims. I was told I’d have to wait until the abuse escalated before I could legally intervene. Sickening!
The state legislatures of this country need to support grandparents and family members when they see mentally ill parents abusing their children and are willing to intervene and take those children in while the parents get psychiatric help!
I wanted to leave a general reply to many of the responders… that much of what is being described by many of the posters sounds a lot like “borderline personality disorder.” BPD is often misdiagnosed as Bi-Polar by therapists who cannot tell the difference. Though Bi-polar can definitely wreak havoc in relationships, Borderline Personality Disorder is in many ways more insidious. For one, it often exists alongside other disorders that mask it. In addition, a portion of the borderline population are able to live normal and successful lives, but are abusive at home, often with only their closest relationship knowing what they really are like. They blame others for their problems and manipulate them through guilt and are often sweet enough to fool even therapists that it is their spouses who are mentally ill. If the phrase “walking on eggshells” has special meaning to you, then this may be worth looking into.
For general descriptions, check out: http://www.pdan.org/bpd.php
For resources, including an online community of victimized loved-ones, see http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/main.shtml
And for a starting place for reading, find “Stop Walking On Eggshells” by Randi Kreger in your bookstore or Amazon.
Can someone recommend books to me regarding growing up with a bi-polar mother. I am 50 now.
My mom is almost 70! She has never been diagnosed with bipolar but I really think she has it! Her older sister does! As a child growing up when she was in her down moments for weeks on end I would always try to cheer her up or try to maker her happy. Then one day she would be all WONDERFUL again and life was good! Over and over again. I just thought she had a bad temper when she would get so mad and say such hurtful things. As an adult I now look back and know she has bipolar! Everyone loves my mom she has lots of friends and no one even knows her down side! No one sees this side of her unless you live with her! She seems to hide it well. Not even my cousins they have no clue what she really is like! I am in fear of saying anything because if I do she will lash out at me and cut me out of her life! I love her so much but have learned to keep my distance from her and I only see her now when I know she is in a UP mood. I can no longer handle the down mood with her! I can tell by her voice on the phone what kind of mood she is in or if she is starting to go in a down mood. I want her to get help but she will be in denial I just know it! Not to mention she will lash out at me! That really hurts because I love her so much! WHAT can I do to try and get her help and on medication IF she would even take it!!?
This is exactly my life with my bipolar mother who is 91. It is painful. I don’t think I’ll ever get past how it has affected my life. In every other sense of the word, I am a 52 year old woman. When it comes to my mom, I’m like a little baby. I long for something I will never have. I despise the disease but despise even more, the fact that she can somehow transform out of the disease and be normal when it’s around a select group of people, but trash and thrash and leash out at me without second thought. And then the cycle of being loving begins. God, it just hurts so much.
Palma: So basically she’s approaching the point that she won’t be able to hide her illness any more. Stop enabling her. Smoothing things over isn’t helping, and by helping I mean convincing her and others around her that she needs help.
Anonymous: There is very strong evidence that the chemical imbalance is a symptom of something else, not the root of the problem.
A.R.: BPD is a mood disorder as well, and can have many similarities with bipolar disorder. Psychology isn’t an exact science, so it is not surprising that the same symptoms can result in two different diagnosis. It depends on the importance assigned to different behaviors.
Kara: Until SHE feels that treatment is needed, there is nothing you can do that will make any difference. And it’s NOT your responsibility. To my mother, NOTHING is more important than believing that she doesn’t have a problem. Not even her grandchildren.
Replying to above: Borderline Personality Disorder isn’t a mood disorder — it’s one of the personality disorders, which are on an entirely separate axis of the DSM. The trouble with personality disorders is that they don’t respond to traditional treatments and medications, b/c they are embedded in the personality — those suffering often believe there is nothing wrong with them, as that’s just the way they are, and they’ll manipulate their social world to uphold that belief in themselves. They are not so well understood, and when confronted by a person with an “untreatable” disorder, therapists have been known even to intentionally misdiagnose. In the case of borderlines, who exhibit the most erratic behavior, they often are diagnosed as BiPolar. But bipolar treatments will not work on someone who does not have bipolar, and it’s potentially dangerous. So be careful. If the medication doesn’t help over time (and a borderline will fake like it’s working, or even fake taking the medication), and/or there seems to be a strongly manipulative and even abusive element to it, check the resources above. There are treatments, but they are new, and not well known.
Namegoeshere-
I do the “smoothing” because my dad is disabled and he wont leave her no matter what. trying to make it easier on him but not always having to be the one on the end of the battering ram. I am at a loss, finally a doc saw she nneded help and set her up to receive counseling servies and she has basically refused and told them she doesnt need counseling, and cant understand why she was reccomemded for that kind of treatment, she was mad and offended as usual and is currently lodging a complaint against them….she has been crying nonstop over everything and cant seem to go through a day without having a million little meltdowns. She also has ocd and when last i visited her house i noticed her organization was waaaay out of control, overkill on the lining things up etc…she doesnt want help and i fear something bad will have to happen before she will be able to be forced to be admitted. 😦
Palma
It is amazing to read these stories and I already feel so much better knowing that I am not alone. I feel that my mother has suffered from bipolar since I cant even remember when. When I was growing up she would love me one moment and start screaming and ranting the next, so I literelly never knew where I stood and was always trying to please her as I was soooo terrified of her and her moods. I am now nearly 37 with 3 beautiful children and she still manages to push the limits all the time. I have had to deal with her being downright nasty and manipulating to my close friends and my children when she is on a down. This in itself has pulled me down emotionally for most of my life. She has spent each and every last dime and is always asking to borrow money saying that she will pay it back but lies as to when she can. She is always putting my dad down (the saint he is has always stayed married to her) I have always allowed her into my space thinking I only need to keep her informed of big goings on and not my day to day living but she is so nosy wanting to know everything and will even ask my sister whats happening…..with no luck there either!! My mother has always tried to cause hassles between my sister and myself and will put the one sister down to the other on a regular basis. One of us is either in her good books or vice versa. I am undergoing therepy at the moment and have decided that the only thing to do to get myself feeling better about her is to totally cut her out of my life. She is a nasty, manipulating woman and I need to start moving on without her in my life. My sister and I dread any family occasions as she always manages to totally mess things up for us and our families. As a child I trusted my mother only to have the trust broken all the time and the same applies today although I trust her with nothing and have even warned my children about her and her behaviour. It is about time she accepts she has a problem(she never will) but now she is going to lose half of her family and I am going to be strong against her critisisms, lies and manipulating ways once and for all!!!! Or at least start my process to a happier bipolar free life for my beautiful family who I need to protect from her!! We all need to support and be here for one another wherever we are on this wonderful planet!! let me know your stories
I am so grateful to have found this site. I too thought I was alone. My mother has bi-polar her first episode was when I was 6. I am an only child to a single mother. I knew from an early age that she was different. I too have felt imense guilt, shame and anger. I have seen my mother try and kill herself twice. It makes me feel better to know I am not the only one out there that has gone through some similar experiences of this horrible illness. There has come a point in my life I am 22 that I have decided to cut her out of my life. I am done. I love my mum very much, but I am sick of worrying about her, if she will take her medication on time etc. She put me through hell and never put me first. I feel like the roles were reversed growing up. I don’t feel like she is my mother. A lot of things growing up I thought was normal but it became apparent it wasn’t. I was so scared growing up. I also feel my mother is jealous and competitive towards me. My mum has been in and out of hospital since I was 6. A common theme yes is talking about sex and being promiscuos. She would blame her illness on not being able to get a job. I remember being in grade 5 and waiting for her to leave the house after getting no sleep because she was manic, had turned the house upside down. I called the police because she went for a walk and was stomping around and looking at the house. She was put into hospital and she hated me for it. she called me the devil for putting her in there. Often times my mother i do believe would bring on the illness herself by going away on her art socirty trips and smoking dope. the final straw for me was after 10years of not working she finally gets a job only to tell me she earns more money than me. not once since i have moved out of home has she helped me out or even offered to. Growing up primary school was just an escape for me because I didn’t want to go home to face that. I remember the stigma attached with mental illness and quickly learned that you don’t go around telling people your mum is in a mental hospital especially kids. i would often have to live with my grandparents when mum was sick and it wasn’t any better there either. i remember mum calling from hospital 7 times a day for cigarettes. i remember her taking my skirt for drama and turning the house upsidee down. for calling my great uncle a pedophile. for telling me to get on the ground when i was 10. stomping around the house. acusing me of hiding the pepsi max. for coming into my room and flicking the switch really fast. telling me that without make up i wouldn’t be pretty anymore. the verbal abuse was hard. it was hard explaining to my friends that would come to my door after a night of sleeplessness of her manic episode and me just having to go to school and act as though nothing was going on, to explain why my mother had left bobby pins in the door and the ladder infront of it. my mum would always take out all the photo’s and was very destructive. she would often ruin things. she got charged for pouring oil onto someone else’s car during a manic episode. she would miss dr’s appointments because of her course or sometimes i believe she wanted to be manic as she was more creative when she was. mothers day was never fun always being told i was nearly put up for adoption. sometimes i wish i was. i felt my family wanted me to take care of her. i felt robbed of a childhood. my only dreams growing up was moving out of home because i was so unhappy. i dont know whats worse the depression or the mania. some days my mum wouldn’t even get out of bed, it was frustrating, yet she could still smoke like a chimney. she claimed to have no money yet was receiving my youth allowence into her bank account which did not go on my education. i remember she had a drugo boyfriend and i was an impressionable kid and very guilable and would believe a lot of what she would say. she said if i told granny and papa we were going to bali she’d strangle me. my family didn’t offer me much support and most of the attention was focused on mum. mental illness does run in our family but before i was born my mother was heading down a bad path on drugs. i had no guidence of my mother. i remember when i was in grade 6 and thats when i started getting angry at my mother and that i realised i didn’t want to become like her. my mother has taught me nothing. i feel guilt because i do love her but another part of me thinks what kind of parent has she been to me. i remember being 8yrs old and we had $40 to live off for the weekend and she spent it on cigareetes. i remember nagging her to pay my school fees. i am scared of becoming like her and that i may have picked up on some of her moody behaviours. everyone gives into her. she has failed to protect me. i’m just so angry.
I have struggled with officially labeling my insane mother as “bi-polar.” She refuses treatment, and says she only has “emotional disorders.” Today I googled “is my mother bi-polar” and I came across your blog. It was as though I was reading my own blog posts. I cannot believe the parrallels between your experiences and my own. She has put so much doubt in my mind, my entire life, because she is such a master manipulator. After reading your blog posts I feel so much more at ease with my diagnosis of her condition. It has been nearly 9 months since I stopped all communication and contact with her in an attempt to protect my child from her negative and unstable influence. I see that you have not posted since January, and I hope that you are well. Thank you for sharing your story.
Hi. I’m an 18 year old girl whose mother has bipolar disorder. Right now I’m pretty sure she’s hypomanic – probably turn into real mania next week when I move out for good. I understand she is feeling hysteric because I’m leaving the nest.. But I just want to get away from her. I feel like I’m finally ‘free’ of my obligations to look after her. Tonight I had to ring the police because I was unaware of where she was and had reason to believe she was drink driving. Manic episodes always seem to happen at the most important parts of my life but this time I’m just going to get away… I am the child and it is not my job to do this any more. Rant, but getting it off my chest. Nice to have found this blog.
I am absolutely sick of my mother and done with all the pain she put me through my entire life. As a child, I never knew who I was coming home to. She ashed a cigarette in my father’s eye, would show up drunk or delusional to most of my sporting events. One way or another, she always found a way to make a circus out of my life and no matter what HER actions were, it was always her children’s fault or her husband’s fault. I have brothers and sisters who have ended up with severe drug and alcohol problems. I’m sure a lot of it was due to the terror they endured growing up. How many times can a mother threaten to kick you out of your house or send you to foster care for ridiculous reasons. I will never know what it means to have a strong foundation but I have learned from my past. I have learned NOT to let her make me feel guilty anymore, to have boundaries when she gets out of control. The sad part is that children have no where else to go when they are young and have no choice but to be subjected to the pain and confusion that their parent causes. It really is a form of abuse and I don’t think any child should have to grow up like that. I recall bringing boyfriends home just to gasp when I would find her drunk with her robe zipper down to her belly button, trying to show off for my HIGH SCHOOL boyfriend. There are so many horror stories. These people are really sick and they need help but the children need help as well. Luckily, I was able to pull myself out of the fire but I only learned after years of running to the wrong men that I thought would marry me and “fix my instability”. I finally sought conseling and moved on with my life. The best piece of advice I can live by is DONT FEEL GUILTY for having boundaries. My mother wouldn’t take her medication many times. It was like living in a black hole that was sucking me lower and lower. There was no rational reason for any of her rants and they would just come out of nowhere! I was a popular girl but I eventually became introverted because I was so confused about my life and tired of crying to my friends. Why did my own mother keep telling me I was a bad person when others liked me and believed in me? It’s sad that my father was too weak to take us away from that enviorment. He too, would participate in putting down his children and abusing them when my mother was upset with him. It was sick and we were the whipping posts. I’m a grown woman now and I look at them with such disgust. I rarely see them and when I do, there is always some crazy, nonproductive nonsense going on with them. Now that my mother doesn’t have children to abuse any longer, she is slowing killing my father with her psychological torture and there is nothing I can do about it. They are grown adults, they have made their own choices, I am not their parent. I’m DONE.
Words cannot describe how happy I am to find this website & read your story. I went through the same things growing up & will soon be finally moving out of my mothers for good. She had such an impact on my childhood. Threatening to kill me, kick me out of the house all of the time, send me to foster care, physically and mentally abuse me, Threaten to call my employer, post signs of my at my university saying i was sleezy,she has called my boyfriend leaving him messages saying that I cheat on him the list goes on. The worst part of all of this is that she takes credit for my success. I’ve went to university & have a career & she thinks its because she raised me so well & was always there for me. My father lived in another province my entire life – i have alaways wanted to live with him but my mother had custody of my brother (who she has never subjected to her torture) so I chose to be around him. It has really affected me. I’m moving out & she is now threatening to stalk me and move to my neighborhood. Soon i will be cutting her out of my life completely. I can’t say I feel bad that she hasn’t enough income to survive, no job, no parter, no assets or retirement…no sanity. I hate this woman more than words can describe. I look forward to the day I no longer have to worry about what manipulative scheme she will come up with next. I have no one to talk to about this. Nobody understands what I go through because words cant describe the mental toll it takes on you. I feel like I’m going crazy. I think to myself everyday….why me god. IM DONE AS WELL.
Namegoeshere,
Thank you for starting this site. Kudos to you and your family for your courage and forthrightness! I found this site at a time when I really needed it and have spent some time reading through all of the posts, to find that while the details might be different, the essence of my story with my mother has been repeated over and over again in previous posts.
Nevertheless, as I find this site cathartic, I would still like to share my story. My mother was diagnosed bipolar when I was a teenager, as was my sister. My biological father has been in and out of my life with little consistency. My step-father, until recently, has been the only stable influence in my life. I am married now and my husband, who is wonderful and very stable, and I are planning to start a family in the near future. When my husband and I were dating and throughout our engagement, my mother was her most charming self. I was honest with him about hers and my sister’s bipolar illness—but it was incredibly hard for him, at the time, to fathom that this charismatic woman could be so destructive. I grew up experiencing her rages against me, her depression, and caring for her to the point of feeling drained of any feelings other than guilt. She had frequently cut me out of her life in various ways, but always came around. I have been called every name in the book and she has spread rumors and lies about me to such a point that I strive not to have common associations with her. Until I was in my late 20’s, I really believed that because I was strong and rational, I could handle her. I have always stood up to her behaviors and set boundaries with her. I have been in contact with her doctors, to the extent that I was able, and helped her through suicide ideation by contacting her medical support team and being available for her as she needed. I have been the daughter who has been stable and has worked hard. As I started to become successful in my adult life, she seemed to resent it. She has always expected me to be successful, but as time passes and what she wished has slowly occurred, I think she feels jealousy. She has so much intelligence and creativity—and were it not for the bipolar, I do not doubt her capacity for success. I have noticed that her bipolar has become worse in recent years since my maternal grandmother died and it seems to me that the event of my wedding somehow triggered a point of no return in our relationship. My husband and I paid for and planned out our wedding on our own, but somehow my mother still managed to attempt to make it all about her and my sister. Since the wedding, she has been nearly impossible to please and has manipulated the rest of the family into thinking that my husband and I have no inclination to be a real part of the family. This is not true—or at least was not true until recent events occurred. I have done my best to encourage a distance between my mother and my husband, because in previous relationships, I have discovered that letting my mom get close to my significant others usually causes a lot of unwanted drama, such as loose boundaries (i.e. mom showing up at past boyfriend’s work with gifts or mom trying to befriend past boyfriends to such a point that they would never believe she could treat me so poorly).
In the case of my husband, I told him early on about the bipolar and he was able to see some evidence of it behind the scenes in written communication she would send me. However, even the plan to distance him from my mother backfired. Recently, she went completely manic on both him and me, berating us over the phone and over email for such things as having a clean house, wanting to enjoy the outdoors, not showing enough care and concern to my stepfather when his mother passed on, etc… . None of her arguments held water. My husband and I both replied rationally, but firmly. In response, my mother played the victim card and convinced my stepfather and sister that my husband and I were at fault and that we attacker her. Talk about projection! We have now been cut off from the entire family on my side. This is heartbreaking, as I am extremely close with my nieces and nephews and have now been told by my sister that she will never speak to me again. As an aunt, I really have no recourse for visitation rights. It really hurts to think that an entire family could be so seduced by my mother’s manipulation that they make decisions which negatively affect the kids. The sad thing is that my mother does respond to boundaries—if they are set firmly and maintained. When she had burned all of her bridges and I was the only one left who would speak to her several years ago, I set clear boundaries and was able to get her some help. She came out of her depression and did not rapid cycle for quite a while. Once the rest of the family saw that she had normalized, they all came back. However, none of them ever set true boundaries with her and so the bipolar in her is fed and the fun, creative, loving mother I remember from before the bipolar became really bad is being slowly starved out of existence. Thank you for letting me get this out of my system.
This has been a great find for me. I am a 46 year old child of a bipolar mother. My parents have been married for 53 years. Very very unhappily married. I am sure my father thought he was doing the right thing by keeping the family together but it would have been much better for my brother and I if we had not been exposed to our crazy mother while growing up. I have been through 11 hospitalizations with my mother. She is a horrible , horrible person. She goes to church and is such a hipocrite that it has turned my brother and myself against religion. She has been well medicated for 35 years now. The medication only serves to keep her out of the hospital for a short amount of time and then it is another long hospital stay to adjust medication. I truly do not know if the medication does any good. Now that she is older she has lost most cognative ability. She cannot have a creative thought. She is just plain dumb. I think the bipolar has eaten her brain and she has nothing left but ugliness. Maybe as they age bipolars just can’t hide there true selves anylonger and all the bad comes out. All I know is that she has ruined my life and that of my fathers. She is the worst example of a wife and mother anyone could have.
Thanks for letting me vent
My husband is 49. We have a great 24-year relationship and a beautiful 7 year old daughter. His 81 year old mother is clearly undiagnosed bipolar. She has made his (and his brother’s) life a living hell since forever. There was always mean-spirited drama, chaos, put-downs and the fear that she would abandon them as little children. Recent quote: “I should have brought you and your brother to a river and drown you when you were babies.” I’ve met no one on her side of the family — all relations ended with people not speaking to one another, which, coming from a large, loving family, I never understood. We always joked that she couldn’t even fill one table at our wedding. She also always pitted her two sons against each other. We moved 3000 miles aways 16 years ago (fantasic decision!!). My husband is very gentle and kind. In fact, his 86 year old father lives near us and is a big part of our life, in a good way (parents divorced). He is in lovely assisted living adn we handle all his medical and financial needs. His ganddaughter adores him. My husband’s brother is horribly mean-spirited, angry and most likely undiagnosed bipolar, too. Anyway, to get to my real point, relations are horribly strained between my husband, and his brother and mother. This summer, at age 81, mom was evicted from her apartment and had to be moved to a nursing home. Within a month they kicked her out for beligerance & attack on staff. She spent a month in a hospital’s psych ward where one Dr. said she was the most manipulative woman he’s ever met. She was moved to a different nursing home and now is back in ICU for about a month now, due to failed breathing and not eating. Also has pneumonia and infections. She has lost her will to live. My husband had not been back to see her in 3 years. I urged him to go. He said he was not sure that’s how he wants to last see/remember her. I said, this is not about you. She has 2 sons, and the good one does not care to see her as she’s dying. We did fly in & visit last week. Yesterday my husband’s brother called to say that the doctor thinks they should consider hospice care for her, with less than 6 months to live. Brother does not know what to do (never could make a decision), and my husband has no interest in getting involved. My husband is silently punishing his brother by making him deal with all this. There’s a whole long brother story that I will not go into. Just trust me that it’s a doozie. Although I do not particularly like mom, I am having a hard time not getting involved with this hospice decision. It would be easy to turn a blind eye and let her just die. But this hospice decision is tricky — it requires proactively providing love and care to someone who never earned it. What do you make of all this????
I think if you have compassion for her, you will feel better about it in the end and your husband will feel better after she dies. I understand because of what my father is going through with his mother (my grandmother) who was always so cruel to him and has been kicked out of many assisted livings for behavior issues. I think you are probably in a better place to help her than he is, just like I can help a lot more with my grandmother than my dad can. It is so hard and delicate and painful.
Hello, my name is Julie. I am the step-mother to a 11 year old child who’s mother has Bi-polar disorder. My husband and I received custody of “J” 5 years ago when her mother was constantly high on meth. She has 3 children by 3 different men and voluntarily gave up custody with a smile on her face and was literally high when she did it. from what I know of her and unfortunately had the experience of having to clean up many of her lies, tall tales, empty promises, etc. that she would subject J to. J and her mother had/have a very unhealthy relationship, as her mother would and still does treat her more like a best friend, versus a child. J pretty much mothered her (at the age of 7) mother during her drug induced states, was dragged around to the crack houses and God knows what else. Her mother took J out of school, telling family members that she was being home schooled. This was after she already gave up custody of the two other siblings. When we received J she was a physical and emotional wreck. She would barely speak to anyone, as she was so fearful, and would only eat chicken nuggets and milk. It took lots of counseling, medical attention, hygiene, (she had several teeth pulled due to a severe lack of hygiene). She needed counseling, patience, lots of love, re-teaching of good personal hygiene, a home with a positive environment and structure, healthy meals and positive interaction. My heart when out to J and I was horrified at what her mother would continually put her through. Poor J, she always and kept wanting to believe that her mother would follow through with her promises but alas, she never does. We finally told J that her mother was Bi-polar and I have tried to inform and educate her about her mother’s illness. I have always tried to be supportive and let her know that she should love her mother but not enable her. She is just now understanding that her mother still lies to her and went from one addiction to another(alcohol). J is still angry about her mothers drug addiction and has tried to get her mother to answer her many questions but again they are met with lies. I have tried to reach out to her mother, but she is so jealous of me and the relationship that I have with J. J is so worried about offending her mother that she won’t hardly even speak of me when talking to her mother. J’s father doesn’t ever want to deal with any confrontations so he never puts any constraints on her mothers visitations. J goes to visit her mother every summer and I hold my breath every time she comes back because her mother manipulates her and I get treated like, well, you know. Anyway, I need to know how to keep J safe from continual pain, or should I let her experience it, so she can finally understand that her mother won’t change until she confronts her diagnosis and gets on medications. Suggestions, help, anything please.
hi julie, im 25 and have been through alot with my mum, my adviceis shelter j in the ways that you can, and give her th needs that her mother cant, that way she will have the stability she needs with you, but yes let her experience what her mother has to do to her, it will make her realise when she is a bit older that she doesnt need her mothers crap and she will be able to move on. hope this helps, take care
why do adult children of bipolar mothers have panic attacks at the mention of their name or when they have to speak to them? How do they move past this?
It’s a flinch, nothing more. A conditioned reaction that took years to develop. It gets a bit better once you realize that YOU are the adult, dealing with your parent who behaves like a child.
I believe my mother has undiagnosed bi-polar disorder,
I am a 25 year old college graduate, living independently, with a full time career, someone most people would consider successful. In high school i was president of my class, captain of the swim team, secretary of the arts honor society, involved with theater, choir and marching band. Despite all of these things my mom has insisted i would become a failure. She was diagnosed with breast cancer when i was 7 years old and from that point on i had to learn to take care of her and myself, making her lunch, doing things to make her happy, keeping the house quiet. I have a very supportive father but i was forced to grow up too fast. When she went into remission she wanted to assume her role of mother and tried to control every aspect of my life, even though i was 11 and had been independent for 4 years. I was not allowed to join my friends at parties, i was forced to stay at home locked in my room while she screamed at me about something i “did” wrong. By the time i was in 8th grade i had begun to have suicidal thoughts, my teachers and school counsellors sent me to therapy where i learned to pretend that nothing was wrong. It was important to my mother that we appeared normal. throughout high school we would have blow out arguments where she would drive me to the police station screaming for help because i told her i wanted to get out of the car she was holding me hostage in. i ran away several times sometimes wearing no shoes because she had taken them from me. My dad left her when i was a sophomore and told me i could always come with him but i was afraid to leave her. He had to rescue me several times because she had hit me… or had trapped me in a corner screaming telling me that i wanted her to die. The last straw was when I was 17, she told me she hated me and i ran away for the last time. Though i spent the last of my senior year sleeping on my grandmas couch in a crowded house, i had hope in my heart for the first time ever. I finally was able to see the beauty in life, and everyday was better then before.
It isn’t until now that i can honestly admit how abusive this relationship was… and still is, at 25 she is still telling me i will never succeed because i have tattoos, asking me why i didn’t kill her (I would never want to harm another person or animal, i am even vegetarian). What i don’t understand is why i cannot cut her out of my life completely.. why that sounds so much more painful then trying to understand her illness. For some reason i would rather have a crazy mom then none at all. I am worried about her right now… which is why i have been doing research… her actions have had a negative impact on everything in my life. I don’t want to let her go. I am terrified about ending up like her.
but i feel everything i have accomplished in life… i have done to prove her wrong.
First and foremost, my gratefulness for this site goes without saying. It is shocking to see how many people have dealt with the same thing as I have, in varying degrees of severity. Reading this blog is like reading pages out of a diary of my life. I think I am in a semi-unique situation given that both my mother and her twin sister are without a doubt MANIC. The odd thing is that they feed off each other’s energy. And they are so alike, it is kind of scary. They will talk like best buddies on the phone, and then bad mouth each other to me, when I am in the unfortunate position of facing them without an escape route. To get to the nuts and bolts, for the longest time I thought I was the crazy one. I thought from a young age that I was the person causing her anguish, either me or my father, or stepfather. As I grew older, I realized that my dad, stepdad and myself were not the ones to blame. We were the sane people and because we actually cared about her, we inadvertently fed the fuel into the fire and gave her more ammunition to come at us with. Like many people here, I have dealt with the trauma and embarrassment of having my mother and aunt pull their antics on me at any possible occasion. There have even been a few situations where I have had friends over, when I felt it was safe enough and my mother would behave, only to have her go through outbursts and humiliating insults and downright lies. She would start these insane arguments with me, saying things that made no sense and no proof, like I was on meth and I’m a thief, arguments that held no clout whatsoever. My friends and I would sit there traumatized when all was said and done, and I would explain to them that she has a mental problem and that I am sorry they had to witness that. I explained this is the reason why I would not invite them over and it is nothing personal so please do not take anything she says seriously. Thank god I have good and supportive friends who understand and see me for the person I am. I would have been just as easy for them to walk away and oust me from what little social circle I had. I realized this is not normal from a young age, while spending what little time I could at a friends house and seeing a mother who could love and care and clean and cook. A mother who would unconditionally love her family without being so enveloped in what wasn’t done for her. I realized that other mothers do not go from states of rage and frenzy regardless of who it might affect, to states of catatonia. My mother has never been formally diagnosed nor treated with anything, but I cannot help but believe that some ill fated neurological force is at work here.
Over the years, her abuse, in conjunction with my fathers denial have thrown my sister and I into varying degrees of depression. I am a 22 year old recent college graduate and my sister is a 17 year old high school shining star. I grew up with my mother most of the time, along with my sister. I am delighted in the fact that my sister has been a witness to what I have been through, and has taken it upon herself to live with my father who is a role model for what a single divorced father should be. In all reality, he was not there for us most of the time, but with good cause. He has, over the years, built a very successful and fruitful business that provided for my college and my sisters private education and the like. Unfortunately, even though he divorced my mother, he just thinks she is “nuts” and not legitimately ill. His view on the matter is funny at times, things like putting a magnet on his refrigerator that says “It is better to have loved and lost than to be married to a crazy b**** for the rest of my life.” All has not been bad, contrary to what one may think. I have an awesome girlfriend who has learned to talk about her fathers alcoholism because of how open I am about my mother’s problem. We have developed a no questions asked understanding of each other when we go through our respective parents episodes. I have gotten her to understand that she has to be in control of her own life and not let her father bring her down. She would bottle up her fear and aggression and beat herself up for it. She would not be up front and open with me until I could help her get out from under the shell.
Ultimately, when I went to college and got out from under my mothers tyranny, I kinda broke loose. I started running with the wrong people and began to get into hard drugs. There were nights that the combination of chemicals in my body would probably kill a normal person. I developed a blatant disregard for my own well being in order to make the subconscious pain and anger go numb. After a while I found my favorite drug, Oxycodone, the super potent narcotic pain killer that is disturbingly similar to heroin. Any time I came home for a school break, I would inadvertently have to deal with my mother’s warpath, when this happened, I would turn to my pill and all would go away. It became a coping mechanism for me, until I realized that I was slowly killing myself. Under the wing of my loving girlfriend, I sought help, and now 2 years clean. I have developed a thick skin towards my mothers slander and threats, and am very close to being rid of it forever. She has this nasty method of lulling people into a false sense of security, then spewing venom that would make Osama bin Ladin shiver in his little boots. The best part is that she doesn’t have a drinking problem, but she certainly has a problem when she drinks. The outbursts and lashing out becomes even more untamable and there is no point in trying to do anything about the situation other than putting her in a straight jacket, if we had one. I guess the bright light at the end of the tunnel is the fact that I will be getting out of this tyranny soon, I am very close to getting a good job and being able to support myself without having to comply with her insane demands. Unfortunately because of this horrible economy, I have been subjected to this horrid environment for much longer than I had anticipated and finally I will be able to start my life with my beautiful girlfriend and an move on.
There are millions of other antics that I could have mentioned here, but I am sure that most of you have been there and done that. Thank you for listening to me. Even though I would not wish this way of life on anyone, it is nice to see there are other people in my shoes and who can understand what it is like to live in these circumstances and not have gone crazy themselves. To quote one of the other replies on this board, “I never knew what I was coming home to”, I think that sums it up.
My mom has bipolar and schizophrenia; had it since before I was born. I am young…but I feel like an old parent. She has a severe case, and moves from depression to yelling in seconds; there is no happiness. My father was abusive and even took my sister and I away from our mom…I came back to her, but it didn’t last. My family expects me to turn bipolar…and I try SO hard to prove them wrong that I think I might drive myself to it.
I’m in college…and I worry about her all the time.
I contact her weekly (email)…but I’d do it less if I could.
I resent her, but I love her!
I feel so guilty. She’s in such pain and it seems to go away when I’m there.
I’ve moved out more times than I can count.
She wakes me up b yelling.
She calls me names…tells me I’m useless…says she hates me..
I cry out, “I’m sorry!” and she throws cat litter in my face.
Then later tells me she misses me. “Please come home, I made dinner!”, she says.
I tell her no, that I will never live there again. But, I will visit.
It isn’t enough…and she lives alone.
What do I do?
I’d honestly rather have never known her…
hi anonymous
i found this website last night and wrote a message, but i wanted to write to you as yours stands out to me, you are asking what to do…. heres my advice, cut the strings with your mum and live your life, i have just found the strength to do that and my life is going much better, your mother will feed off you your entire life if you let her. and like you say you dont want your mum to drive you to have depression. i understand you love her as i love my mum and it is hard.
my aunt told me a few years ago to cut my mum off, i didnt heve the strengh then, but she said to me ” your mum will find someone else to feed off” and its true i cut my mum off and she has found other people to “harass”
also ask yourself would you let a friend treat you like that? i know i wouldnt…
i hope this helps a wee bit, but its nice to know other people share your pain, take care
You have to set boundaries, and enforce them. It’s not easy, but it is the only way. Her pain isn’t your fault, and isn’t your responsibility to resolve. You have to be careful not to make it worse out of spite or revenge.
For starters, don’t appologize for something that you haven’t done. If you call or visit, and she gets nasty, tell her you’re sorry it didn’t work out this time and that you might try again next week. Then don’t answer the phone. Once the messages (and you’ll get some good ones) calm down, you can try again if you like.
With my mother, it got to the point that my ONE condition was that she be under the care of a doctor for her bipolar and following his instructions – including taking meds.
Hi there… I don’t know if you read my earlier posing from march (up Above) but i can totally feel for you. its soo difficult, and people that do not deal with this, really have absolutely no idea what it’s like.
The worst of it is not the names, or emotional trauma, or embarrassment… we all get a thick skin towards that by the age of 16 (even though it still stings deep down)… The worst is when it affects your life to the degree where academic or work performance begins to suffer. If it gets bad enough, we might use a coping mechanism like booze or drugs (oxys for me) to make the hurt and frustration and bottled up rage go away. Eventually one does not even recognize. The bi-polar mind does not have this self recognition and therefore justifies what it does to harm others as a defense mechanism.
I feel the most effective way to deal with the “venomous” outbursts is to simply ignore them… i didnt think it would work either… not to say if you might be physically/socially/professionally harmed, you have the right to defend your self against her, but otherwise, just ignore it/her, ive learned the bipolar mother feeds off of attention.. if you can help it (which is tough but remember you not dealing with a rational person), just take the fuel away from the fire and let is smoulder out.The silent treatment works fine, but you must be present. eventually the mania subsides becuase nothing is feeding and stimulating it. Because they still crave attention and dont get it thru negative means they have no choice but to fizzle out and revert to being the nice person we see once in a blue moon. If you scream back at her or return the argument, its like trying to put out a fire with gasoline and there are no limits to the damage a bi-polar woman can do.
johnnyboy:
While ignoring the venom & outbursts may ‘work’ in the sense that they no longer bother you, it really does nothing to fix the problem. Bipolar people are fueled internally, and no external risk/reward scheme even applies. Like I told Dad on many occasions, you can make it as much worse as you like, but there is nothing you can do to make it any better.
Children of bipolars are the ones that grow thick skins. Anyone else exposed to them without that history won’t handle it well. Think spouses & children. The only reasonable choice for many is to cut contact entirely.
I am 31 years old and my Husband and I recently had to seperate ourselves from my mother. She is Bipolar, and doesnt take her medication all the time. I work for my Grandparents Business(my mothers parents) and when ever she gets mad at me for little things like going out with one of her friends for dinner and done invite her to come along she flips out and takes it out on my Grandparents and there fore at work they take their mood out on me. The stress all my life has been horrible, and I have really bad anxiety from the stress my mother has caused me. She never has ever appologized, and it is always her way, and she tells everyone I treat her aweful, and how I should appologize when she is the one in the wrong. She flips out if you dont tell her everything, or invite her along to places. No matter when she is in the wrong my Grandparents take her side and take it out on me. I always have terrible anxiety, and from my nerves getting so bad I shake. I have had to deal with this all my life, and it has gotten worse each time. Most recently a guy that works with my mother, well his girlfriend bought my father in laws house and we didnt say anything to her about who bought the house cause we knew she would bother him about it, and it was confidential. Well when she found out about it she asked me if I knew and I said yes and she flipped she said I have been making it a habit to not tell her things. Well we didnt talk for a month then we slowly started talking again and we went out to eat with one of her friends and her fiancee and she freaked out when she found out cause we didnt invite her and she told me I do these things just to hurt her and how I treat her aweful. She also buys us things constantly, she is a compulsive shopper and when she gets mad she use’s the fact that she did somthing nice for us and it is always about what she did for us. I cant never talk to her about anything cause she will tell people cause she cant keep things to herself. Her and my Grandmother tell people I treat them aweful. I just have had enough and have had to come to a choice to cut my mom out of my life and she has told people I am dead to her and how she is done with us. The stress has gone away and I am getting happiness back into my life daily.
It is unfortunate that we had to remove family from our lives to get peace, but I’m glad you did.
sounds just like my mom. 😦
I am the adult child of a second generation bipolar mother. My grandmother was bipolar and though she never outbursted on her grandchildren, I remember the guilt tripping and irrationality she imposed on my mother and her husband (my grandfather). My mom had a crap childhood and I know it, she also suffers from bipolar and while not as severe as my grandmother (as far as I know my mother has never tried to commit suicide) the moodiness, extreme irrationality, and escapism she performed on my childhood has certainly left its mark. My father left emotionally, not physically thank goodness, although looking back I’m not sure it would have made much of a difference. I remember having to console my mother on several occasions throughout my childhood and the feeling of awkwardness this brought on. No child should have to take care of an adult. While I was filling a role I shouldn’t have been, she wasn’t fulfilling her role. She was never there for me, not in the little things, the things that seem insignificant but build that relationship. There was and is always some meeting to go to, something in her schedule she just can’t miss. I am so mad at her right now because the things that really bug me about growing up with her, she is now doing to my son. She called last night shortly after 9pm to ask me what time I am planning for my son’s FIRST birthday party. I told her I wasn’t sure but probably sometime in the morning, her response to me was “oh good, I have such and such in the afternoon, it was in my pda for a while now, blah blah blah” I said “what would you have said if I told you it was in the afternoon?” Mom: “oh, well, I guess they would have to get someone else to fill in for me” (in a tone that said she really didn’t want to have to do that). After I hung up the phone my thought was, “You know, sorry your only grandson’s First birthday party is such a frieken inconvenience for you.” In not so many words and fill in the expletives where you like.
It has been that way ever since I was a child, some meeting or friend taking precedence over family. I specifically remember one incidence where I asked my mother to stay home one night from a meeting to just hang out with me and she flat out refused. She will only visit with us if it is convenient for her. It is beyond me why she would want to hang out with strange people over her own family. Just to be clear, the meetings I refer to were/are: weight loss meetings, sorority meetings, church meetings, spiritual meetings… These aren’t work related, once in a while, oh I really shouldn’t miss this one, kind of meetings.
If she feels like she has made me mad or upset me she will probably get someone else to take her place, but the fact that she had to call me and check that we fit into her schedule really gets me. And what is my problem? Why don’t I just stand up to her, tell her off? Because I know what it will do, it will send her over the edge and the non-stop emotional rollercoaster until she knows I am not mad at her anymore. Instead of throwing the guilt onto others she takes it on herself, she’ll quit her job, scale back on commitments, land in the valley of depression until she goes to the doctor to have her medication changed again. And then all will be “well” for a time. So I avoid it, I don’t want to piss her off and feel like I need to pick up the pieces or forgive her, again.
I’m tired. Tired of walking on eggshells all the time with her, tired of the fallouts, tired of the anticipation of the fallouts (it will happen again, it’s just a matter of when). Thanks for having a place like this where people like me can vent our frustrations.
.
I am in my late twenties. My mom had her first episode when she was 16; 16 yrs before I was born then when she was 41 she started to have episodes when I was 9. Life was perfect up until then. All of my teenage yrs were spent visiting her in and out of mental facilities. She would disappear for nights or get drunk and pass out. She tried to kill herself withh pills several times. She was delusional. My familys sadness would turn into anger once we seen the pattern of her taking her meds and doing so well then stop taking them and start the maddness alll over again. It was a nightare. It was stressful hiding this huge secret as a teen. I have 3 other siblings and we are very close and greatful we made it out that mess. One huge thing I am greatful for is when my mom was sane she gave us a christian foundation. We stayed grounded because of our belief. When I had my first child coming out of high school my mom was there but like I said never consistent.
I told her if she doesn’t take her meds she will never be a part of my childs life and from that day(10yrs ago) she never had an episode since. Even though she is taking her meds and is a great grandmother it wows me how stable she is. In a lot of ways it kind of makes me mad sometimes too. How come she couldn’t make that decesion then? All of us siblings are saved in Christ Jesus. My dad who resents her to this day because what she put him and us kids through(but what I found out later in life cheated on her before she flipped) was also baptized. In the end we all came out pretty tough . I also learned my mom was abused my her mother who was bipolar. How my story unfolded is a miracle to me. I guess the hardest part of having a bipolar parent as a child and then being an adult is not knowing exactly how this has effected myself as an indivisual. Now my mom at least once a yr apologizes for her past. She can’t hold a job and is a little slow in some areas but I’m thankful for her.
I’m truly happy for you. My mother was given the same choice, and unfortunately took the other path. We still pray for her, but it will take a miracle to change her.
Today, I goggled “I hate my bipolar mother” and found this site. Thank you for creating a place where I can express myself and share my feelings. I am 58 years old and my bipolar mother is 80. I severed the relationship with her about 2 years ago. It took me over fifty years of therapy, meditation, and her toxic behavior to finally come to terms with the fact that I don’t want to give her the next 20 years of my life. I spent most of my life being the dutiful daughter and excusing her behavior that it was due to her illness. Sometimes I just feel so sad and other times so angry that I didn’t walk away years ago and I let her manipulate me. From all that I read about psychology, I understand I was striving for a mother’s love that is not available. My father abandoned our family at the age of 2. I often referred to my mother as mean and evil. One day, one of the counselor’s that I was working with commented, “You are always speaking about your mother’s illness, what about your wellness?” It was one of the most profound statements I had heard and at that moment I realized, I had rights too. So, I wish all of you suffering and still battling this terrible scene the strength and courage to do what is best for you. I am angry with myself that if took so long to get to this place. Even though I have moved on the scars and wounds are deep. I must try and remember just to be good to myself.
Hi – I just wanted to say that finding your blog and reading both your story and those of others in the same situation has been one of the best things that has happened in my coming to terms with my mothers illness.
I’m 38, and my mother confided in me that she has been diagnosed with bipolar about two years ago. I think that, at that moment, she was looking for forgiveness about her behaviour (yelling irrationally, controlling, chastising, the list goes on – those who read your blog can relate). Her seeking forgiveness (but never apologizing) has happened thrice in my life, each about ten years apart, but when weighed against the abuse it is small change – her behaviour seldom changes. When I have asked her not to speak to me (or yell at me, or say the nastiest things) – it is met with an increase in her abuse. Even living 1000km from her, she still found reasons to call and bully, coerce, and manipulate. I had to move even further. I have been on the other side of the planet for nearly a year, and it has been liberating, and I feel like I am coming to terms with her behaviour. Unfortunately, I am trying very hard to forgive (I don’t think I’m there yet), as I do not believe anyone truly in the driver’s seat would choose to behave that way. I am returning, and although I will be 500km from her, I think I have reflected and healed enough to keep her at a distance and not let her words affect me (incidentally, I work in a high stress environment, and while I lived closer to my mother she still found reason to wake me up in the middle of much needed sleep to chastise me).
I’m also afraid that as she gets older, her behaviour is deteriorating, from yelling to character assassination (accusing me of using loved ones – and again it’s unfortunate, but the thought of those words get my hackles up – I have to remind myself that they are words of a mad-person – but perhaps it’s the fact that they come from your mother that still make them hurtful).
Upon my return, I will have to tell my mother outright that I cannot tolerate her abuse. It is sad, and it is truly not done out of spite, but distance seems to be the best thing for me (and I should add, my new family).
Your situation has provided some very helpful advice to me and others. I will continue following your blog. Thank you.
my mother has borderline personality disorder and those phone messages on youtube sound just like my mom when I ignore her or am too busy to answer the phone every time she calls, I just avoid her.
this site has been so helpful…i haven’t even read half of the entries posted here but it just feels better knowing that there are other people struggling with the same issues. my mother was dianosed with bipolar disorder when i was about 9 or 10 years old and my family has been torn apart by her illness since. i’m currently 21 years old and still having a hard time dealing with the stresses of it all. i will write more eventually but i just don’t have time to organize my thoughts here and now…i wish you all luck.
Dutiful son here, 46. Only person in the world who can understand her, apparently. Mother from screwed up but respectable family. Nasty childhood for me, now a fairly lousy adulthood masked by humour and a genteel stoicism. Probablem is, you cant separate the person from the illness, right? . Fortunately, lithium came along and a new shrink, too; not to take anything away from the old shrinks—diagnosis cant be easy, given the mutability of what they deal with. Nevertheless, I wish for my sake that they had reached an accurate diagnosis sooner.
I also, sometimes, wish she had succeeded in that suicide attempt a decade ago.
I agree with much of what has been said before. Basically, I am 44 years old and accepting the fact that I hate my mother and think she is one of the most selfish people on the planet. I also hate my father. He is a doctor, yet denied for decades that she had any mental health issues, and so she suffered, we kids suffered. He left the house early every morning for work, and came home well after dinner. Saved by the sanity of the workplace. But now, he’s been retired for 8 years and spending most of his time with her, and he is losing it. Mentally declining. I should feel pity and compassion and all of that, but I don’t. You made your bed – you 2 super smart overly educated people – lie in it.
I now have 2 kids, and am cutting myself off emotionally from them. Just spent a week at there house – on the surface, it was fine – but in my heart, I know we won’t be going back any time soon. I could deal with the stress of constantly walking on egg shells and trying to keep my 2 little boys in line and following all of the screwed up rules of the household that were establised so long ago because of mother dearest.
I’m sorry but if someone had cancer or a broken arm, and didn’t seek treatment – do we pith them? Do we offer them compassion? She and my father DID NOTHING. ANd blamed us and forced all of these ridiculous rules and blame on us kids.
While it is true that your mother must take ownership of her own problems, it’s not as simple as that. For a very long time, especially when they were growing up, mental illness wasn’t ‘real’. Some few crazy people had it, but not people outside institutions.
Your father dealt with it by avoidance, and I’m sure you had some coping mechanism as well. Bipolar isn’t something that you have, like a broken arm. The symptoms come and go, and sometimes they will emotionally remain within a ‘norman’ range for quite some time.
Also, from what I now know, the manic phase of bipolar can be addictive. Effective treatment makes them feel like their brain is running too slowly. And like addicts, they have to be convinced that the ‘high’ comes at a cost that is extreme. Until the cost is high enough, treatment will be avoided.
wow, this is the first time i have looked for information on the internet about bipolar, my m
i am 25 and my mother is bipolar, my father was also mentally unstable and commited suicide when i was 3, my mother told me and my brother that our father was going to kill us as well. i have had that thought in my head for as long as i can remember…i am currently seeking help for this from a counciller which has helped me hugely
my brother lives in a differant country and has been stronger in not letting our mum wear him down, i on the other hand have spent my life being her puppet and emotional puching bag.i have just realised that enough is enough and i have to cut her off, my mother has emotionally abused me in so many ways, being jelous of me, always telling me i havent done enough for her, finacially ane emotionally depended on me then cut me off when she felt like it if things wernt going her way.she is currently onto her 3rd marrige, her poor husband has no idea what he is in for. she always put men before me, she remarried to another depressed man 1 year after my father died,which ment her children missed out on so much as she was to busy tending to her “new man”. i have constantly had to bear the brunt of her messed up decisions. her own parents have even cut her off at times, which i now understand they did it to protect themselves from her poisen. she never takes responsibility for what she has done to me and my bro, its always about her. for alot of my life i have felt sorry for her, but now i am asking my self, what about me?? when i read everybodys experiences i feel like im reading about my own mother, i feel better now about being able to cut her off, and not feel so guilty. i have to do it or she will destroy me. i feel like i am greiving the death of another parent as she has never and will never be the mother i desperatly wanted and needed. thankfully i have a great network of support from friends and feel lucky that after everything i have been through me and my bro have turned out well!
I know this thread is kinda dead but I need some help. (Also, intriguingly, the last two posts were made on my boyfriend’s brthdate and my sister’s, a sign I hope.)
I’m 19 and am 99% sure my mother has bipolar. I found out a couple of years ago after my Nana got admitted to hospital and we found out she was bipolar. She had kept it well under wraps and claimed the drugs she was on were to deal with the grief of my aunty, her daughter, committing suicide a number of years ago. She mucked up her pills and spun out and was in hospital for 4 months before they let her out.
Curious, I looked up the disorder and found in it my entire childhood; from the crying and helplessness to the manic non-stop chatter, money spending, grandiose plans and insomnia. My mother has been through two mental institutions but was never diagnosed and has no idea of her own condition. I have looked after her my entire life, my 18 year old sister is totally oblivious and lives at home with my mum while I live about an hour away and am studying at university while my sister leeches off my mother. I visit almost every weekend.
As a child I remember holding her countless times as she wept and begged for the world to end. And I remember being woken up in the middle of the night, being told to pack up my things as we were “going on an adventure.” Typically the adventures involved driving hours through the night with no real destination, deciding on somewhere and mum spending copious amounts of money she didn’t have for the next week or so. And that’s how it went for my whole childhood right through till now.
But my mum has never been violent towards us kids, we don’t see much of my dad and when I confronted him about it a year or so ago, (why did he do nothing and leave us all?) he just said if he took us he would be taking her last sliver of sanity. They had a violent relationship but all my mum told me was that he would beat her, I tend to believe that it was provoked and that she was violent towards him. My father is a very weak man but no amount of provocation should result in that sort of behaviour.
Now I am at a cross-roads. I want to move about 8 hours away to be with someone I care very deeply about. But of course mum doesn’t want me to go. I don’t know how (or if) I should broach the subject of bipolar and of her getting help because she really doesn’t see it. I have a feeling she may sway me to stay and I couldn’t bear making a decision I’d live to regret.
Please give me some advice, she is very low and in debt at the moment as she just had a manic episode and flew herself and my sister to Australia on her credit card. I haven’t seen her quite this bad for a few years and it scares me because I can see she feels she is losing us, that we have grown up and don’t need her anymore and thst, to her, deems her purposeless. I love her so much, more than anything and she has been an amazing, caring mother to me who would give me the world if she could. As long as she can keep me that is.
Seeing your age, I think I would caution you against moving in with someone. You have only recently realized that your relationship with your mother is ‘different’. Do you have a ‘good’ example of what relationships should look like? Not a fairy tale one, but a real idea of how people can cope with disagreements and difficulties. One where manipulation or coercion aren’t normal?
I would suggest that you distance yourself from your mother, and concentrate on repairing damage that was done to you BEFORE you start a serious relationship. If you don’t you run a serious risk of becoming co-dependent or enabling.
I think you should get away from your mom if you live with her, but be careful, you need to make sure you do not affect yourself or person you care for with your mom’s behavior, or trauma she caused you, I know exactly how you feel, extracting yourself, may be the best choice.
Thank you both so much, sorry I have taken so long to reply but I figured that any thanks was better late than never. I am going to move but I have decided to do it alone. As much as the idea of living with someone who is always there for me is comforting I know that it wont be beneficial in the long run, he’ll become my crutch and that isn’t fair. I need to sort myself out on my own first and you both helped me to see that. Of course I still have a long road ahead of me in terms of putting myself before my mother but I am feeling positive about it. For the first time ever I feel like it is not only okay but for the best to put myself first.
Many thanks to you both.
This website is very interesting to me. I am not the child of a bipolar parent, though my own family is disfunctional in their own ways. My sweet stepson is the one with a bipolar mother. I often wonder how this will affect him in his future.
He’s 9 now – just a great kid. His mother is recently out of rehab again and on her meds once more. I’ve been a full time custodial step mom for three years now, and the cycle seems to be about every two years her mental health takes a dive, and so does her life. Unfortunately, so does the life of this precious child. He is so defensive and protective of her that he has a hard time talking about how her behaviour affects him. I was trying to decide whether or not he’s REALLY ok, or just saying he’s ok, and stumbled accross this page. I think it’s time for him to be able to talk to someone – and be able to express his feelings without defensiveness or any other protective emotions. I’ll get him into therapy ASAP.
My best wishes and sympathy for all of you and the expiriences you’ve lived through. The best I can do is try to have one less life effected as negatively as some have been.
Namaste’
Eh, I’m 14, and currently living with my bi-polar mother. She wasn’t so bad until now, and she’s made me so angry, and frustrated that I pushed her pretty hard and she nearly fell. She cut herself several times when I pushed her.
She responded by punching me twice, of course, it didn’t hurt at all. I have a pretty high pain thresh-hold.
I try not to get angry because I know of her condition, and I’m not sure, but it may be my teenage hormones or something that makes me so angry with her. Right now, she talks to herself and speaks gibberish and yells for no particular reason. I just sit in my room, and she yells and says “WHY IS THIS HERE?” She spent the entire morning today taking everything out of the kitchen cupboards and putting them back in. She neglected my sister and me and left us with no lunch or dinner until 11 PM.
My dad tells me to just deal with it until I move out, but I don’t think I can handle her much longer. What I’m asking is for advice. What should I do? I don’t really want to call for authorities or any help because I know she means well, but she does it all in a terrible manner.
Trying to get her for help was not possible for me. I tried, and she just yells and says we’re the one with a problem, and my dad does nothing. He’s nice and all, but a push-over. I just need advice on what to do, and if this site is dead, so be it. I’ll try to handle it myself, but I may finally snap one day and beat her. I’ve already had thoughts about it, but at night is when I cool down and can reconsider my thoughts.
Ah, I forgot to mention. She tries to sue anyone she thinks is wrong, and my family may be in a financial issue if she actually goes through with what she says.
If a guy comes in to fix the furnace and she says it’s too hot, she says “I’M GONNA SUE THEIR COMPANY!” and swears and slanders their name. She also cheated on my dad before, which I was reluctant to believe as I was 8 when I was told so. She wants to sue my dad too.
Frustrated is a normal reaction when dealing with someone who is bipolar. And your hormones probably aren’t helping any, either. You have to remember that YOU are the sane one, and try not to let her aggravate you. Don’t be too hard on your dad, it’s not easy for him either.
Unless you are in danger of being physically injured, I wouldn’t suggest calling the authorities. Even if they do get involved, it rarely makes things better.
Until you are able to leave, ‘just deal with it’ is probably the best thing. How is the question. I’d suggest journaling events, and your reactions to them. Writing can be cathartic, and it allows you to go back and review events and your reactions. Both can be helpful. It is sometimes possible to detect a pattern of behavior and predict when she will go off. It also lets you come up with better and more planned responses.
Don’t underestimate the power of humor. Seeing the absurd side of events quickly removes the stress from them. It might even be profitable later on. There is a guy who wrote down strange things his father said, and it has become a book and TV show starring William Shatner.
If you do decide to blog or journal online, I would recommend making everything as anonymous as possible. Employers regularly check applicants names online, and something like that might cause problems for you later on.
I don’t know your mother, but my mother threatens legal action at the drop of a hat. She would never follow through with any of it, because at some level she knows that exposing herself to authority wouldn’t end well for her.
First, I want to say that I am sorry about your mother. I, too, had to deal with a bipolar mother and my teenage years.. I understand that it is a lot to handle. I agree with ‘namegoeshere’ in that alerting the authorities will not remedy the situation unless she causes observable physical harm.. and even then, they are limited in subsequent action. My advice, which I dearly wish was given to me at your age:
Excel in your school activities. If the situation at home is particularly difficult, head to the library or a friend’s house to study. Join in after school activities, play sports. The less exposure you have to the environment, the less you can be utilized as a target. I would start speaking to counselors about college.. I know it sounds early, but looking forward to a bright future can help you through the rough times. You could also look into living on campus.. so that you wouldn’t have to live and home and attend college.
Most importantly, find positive outlets. I know that this time in your life may be the most confusing.. it’s the time when you need parents the most. Listen to your teachers, your counselors, and good friends. No matter what, believe in yourself.
Woah, seems like we have alot in common. I’m 14 too with a mother who I’m almost positive has bpd(borderline personality disorder). We are currently in a huge fight right now because I kept standing up for myself instead of just telling her she’s right even though shes not. What my dad made me realize is that I need to realize that she has a mental illness, and if I don’t want to get hurt.. I have to try my hardest to not let her win. If I keep telling her that she’s wrong, her anger only gets worse and causes more problems. My mo wont admit she’s ill and i’ve stopped telling her because she yells and denies it. My dad knows it too but he said she wont admit it so we’re going to have to learn to live with it. I wouldn’t exactly call my dad a pushover, I just think he wants to be by my moms side because he knows that this illness isnt the real her… he knows deep down shes a good person and I sometimes see it too. Its still dificult being around her because I’m scared that at any moment shes going to have a tantrum or critizize me. Its hard for me to keep my anger in but thats what im learning to do with her. Last night I yelled back and made her feel horrible but what about how she keeps making me feel? I hate having to feel guilty for feeling what I do which is an immense hatred for my mom sometimes. i love her.. i really do… but i know shes completly clueless to the way she causes almost every problem in my house. Just like you, my mom started yelling at me for leaving my shoes in the kitchen and made me feel like crap. She’s like ” I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THESE UP 4 DAYS AGO!!” … which she never did! I know i shouldnt of left my shoes there but the way she reacts to things like that have scard me since I was a child. Every trip we go on there’s fights.. CONSTANTLY. I dont know what to do anymore. im not as strong as my dad who has learned to tolerate my moms behavior. I dont want to turn my back on her because I know she loves me and would do anything for her family but the way she acts violently and critizes me for everything and comparing me to my siblings all the time just keeps lowering my self esteem. Its getting hard to pretend im okay around my friends. When i was younger i always knew there was something off about my mom but I wasnt a depressed kid.. I was always pretty oblivious to all the bad in the world. Why cant it be like that now? Why does it keep getting harder to be w her. Im always comparing myself to everyone and im having trust issues because of my mom. It was a big relief to find this page… knowing that im not the only one makes me feel a little less alone. I’m lost and I dont know what to do w my mom anymore. Im always making plans so I dont have to be at my house or I’ll be locked in my room. My mom sences that i push her away but what else am i supposed to do? i cant be near her.. I only keep feeling worse about myself.
I too am full time step Mom. I have been for just over five years to my 8 year old daughter. Let me start by telling you that yes therapy is a must at this young age. However, you need to understand that like my daughter; confiding is not somthing a child with a bipolar mother does. I’m not sure how often your son visits his mother; Brianna visits her’s every other weekend and every other Thurs when it’s not Mom’s weekend. Like you said Mom used to go about two years without; what we now call a melt down. I would love to chat with you either by phone or e-mail. Outside of my husband (who was with her mother for 2 years) and our wonderful therapist, I can not talk to anybody about this, nobody understands. I hope to hear from you.
I am so happy to find this blog, in fact i have never wrote on a blog before. I struggling with the guilt my mom puts on me regarding my behavior towards her. i am 22 years old living with my boyfriend. She has recently started a very dramatic slew of emails regarding how mean i am to her and how wonderful of an upbringing i had that she has no clue how i treat her this way. My mother has been bi-polar/manic depressive since she was my age. When i was 16 my parents got divorced due to her leaving him for another man. This started the spiral down of our relationship. I will be the first to admit that i had a wonderful childhood but now everything is different. Her current husband is a drug addicted felon and she has began self medicating with alcohol. i worry for my younger siblings that live with her part time (age 16, 18). she can fake normalcy SO well that its hard for other to see where i’m coming from. She has called me numerous times in manic states telling me that she is going to kill herself, how horrible her life is and constant BLAME BLAME BLAME…. She recently got her second DUI and had to go to jail, you would think this would be a wake up call but she ended up blaming that all on the cop or whoever she can think of. All of these situations build inside of me… She called me about a bar fight and i honestly snapped and told her i thought it was trashy. She then guilted me about how i got drunk on my 21st bday (I rarely drink)…. I feel constant guilt and am so sick of her blame i just want her to take some accountability and stop drinking. i am looking for help in dealing with all of this because talking to her about how i feel only makes her blame others more and she states that she has “no clue” why i “hate” her. I recently graduated college and got a job, my performance there has suffered greatly and I hate it. I know she is proud of me and tells me all the time so i feel rude when bringing up other issues. I am trying to seek counseling but i don’t know if that’s going to do anything for her, i think it’s more for me…. There is obviously much more i could talk about but i think you guys get the gist….If anyone has any advice in how to effectively deal with a bi-polar mother’s rants, blame, and guilt it would be much appreciated!
Hi there. Reading all of these posts and finding this blog has been one of many steps to recovery for me and cathartic, to say the least. I am 42, the eldest of four children, American, living in France, and my 67 year old mother was just diagnosed FINALLY with bipolar disorder in the past year. In retrospect, I believe her mother and her mother’s sister are also bipolar. I know my great aunt is and has been on meds and stable for years. While I have always known that something was off with my mother, the fact that she suffered a lobectomy for lung cancer and a shoulder replacement simultaneously sent her into a full-blown delusional meltdown and we had to call 911 and have her committed to a psychiatric ward for two weeks. But she managed to fool them all, though they got her off alcohol and prescription meds (“vitamins”), and she was released to the care of my stepfather without a diagnosis. It was only a few months ago that my sister (a nurse) who told me that she had finally been diagnosed and medicated. From what I understand from my family now, she has sort of a “flat personality”, very different from the vibrant, funny, attractive woman she used to be, at least in public. I’ve heard that bipolars can operate on a fairly normal social level for years until a major trauma triggers a full-blown melt-down episode. Is this true?
Where to begin without making your eyes burst into flames? Until now, I have never had a name to put to why my mother and grandmother treated me the way they did. Luckily, I have a loving and supportive father, but even he after 30 years of marriage, finally had to divorce her. He stayed in the marriage until we were all in college to protect us. They have both since re-married, and that my stepfather is such a saint and is still around after the last few years is a miracle from God.
From as long as my father has known her, a couple of years before I was born, she has always gone through these, what we called “phases”. First she was rabid to have children. Then when she had four fairly rapidly, didn’t want to take care of them. Granted, we were a handful, and my youngest brother and sister are dyslexic. Luckily, I came from an affluent family, so my mother just hired nannies. But she was constantly accusing them of stealing from her, so there was high turnover. She always was easy to flare to temper, and used to spank us with a yardstick, or a switch from a tree, and used to scream that we were lying to her when we weren’t. Other times, she would stay in bed all day until it was time for my father to come home and make dinner. She was always taking “vitamins”, and was and is still a terrible hypochondriac.
Several phases:
Religious – on and off until even now, but when we were kids, we were forced to go to ridiculous amounts of church, and everything was “Satanic”, we weren’t even allowed to watch cartoons on TV.
Food – when it became apparent that my brother and sister had learning disabilities (they didn’t know how to diagnose dyslexia at the time), we were banned from having any food or drink with artificial colorings or preservatives in them, which meant a very restricted diet. Meanwhile, she hid Coca Cola and chocolate all over the house for herself.
Allergies – she became convinced that she was allergic to almost everything, and incessantly had all of us children tested, until she found a doctor who agreed with her opinion. She spent well over $150k until my father put a stop to that one.
Shopping – She was always a MAJOR shopper, and since she had money, it went largely unnoticed. She would take us out shopping for school clothes and sneak in a few expensive items for herself and just tell us “not to tell Daddy about it”. My father would come home from work and she would demand a check for $50k for new drapes she had ordered for the house. When he asked why didn’t we talk about this first? She just said “write the check. You just bought an airplane yesterday”, (after his company bought a plane). So frequently, he did just to avoid a fight.
Jealousy – she was always very jealous of me and the close relationship my siblings and I shared with my father. He always told us we were the light of his life and could do anything we set our minds to. She told us that we were spoiled, retarded, would never amount to anything in life — even though I was a straight A student and excellent athlete. She was madder even at me because there wasn’t anything “wrong” with me. I found out later through direct experience that as the eldest of four herself, her mother had belittled her all her life, my father and subsequently us kids.
Adolescence – Entering puberty, my mother began to accuse me of stealing money from her, and being a pathological liar. She also told all of my large family what a problem child I was. My little brother and sister had been put on Ritalin at the time, having been diagnosed with ADD. She accused me of stealing their medication, her “vitamins” and selling them in school. I didn’t even know what they were. She accused me of being on drugs (I wasn’t) and of being the “town slut”. There was always plenty of alcohol in the evenings between my parents throughout the years. I do not remember her ever drinking during the day that I was aware of.
14 years old – The incessant fighting with my mother caused such stress and there was no rationality to it, that one day in high school I passed out. I was hospitalized for two weeks with colitis/irratable bowel syndrome. When I came home, my mother told me that at least she had had a 2 week breather. I told my school counselor that I wanted to go to family counselling. She called my parents, and my mother immediately found the most expensive (and appalling) doctor in town. We went to the first meeting, and after five minutes he told my parents that I was suicidal and needed to be committed. She signed on the dotted line right there and then, though my father was very reluctant. They locked me into a high-security psychiatric ward for juvenile criminals. I quickly heard from some of the other kids that this was also a place to “park” rich kids whose parents wanted to get rid of them, and that I would never get out. All the doctor had to do was sign a paper saying I needed continued psychiactric observation and I would stay in and the insurance companies would keep paying him. He has since been sent to prison. The second day I was there, my roommate threatened to kill me and told me how she would. So the next day at lunch, a ran from the cafeteria from the guards, evading them in the streets of Chicago and found a pay phone booth and called my father collect. He came and got me with his attorney immediately and took me home. When I got home, my mother went bananas screaming at my father that if he “didn’t get rid of me, she would divorce him”. He said go for it.
15 – I asked my parents if I could go to private boarding school far away. My grades were excellent and I was immediately accepted. After one semester there, I had the bad fortune to get caught in a situation where my roommate was found hiding pot. I knew nothing about it. But my mother had signed over quardianship to her mother, so they called my grandparents. Even though the dean of the school insisted that I had nothing to do with it, they took me out of school to their home – they told my parents I had been expelled. Bad luck, I contracted mononucleosis simultaneously and was very ill for two weeks. During that time, my grandmother made me sleep on a sofa (in her well appointed multi-room home) and showed up every morning with the vodka tonic that never left her hand, and berated me all day long about what a “druggie” I was, that my mother was “unfit”, my father was and “idiot” and my brothers and sister were “retards”, and that they should have given me to her the minute I was born. Meanwhile, my grandfather was working with my father, his best friend, and was unaware of any of this.
I finally got through to my father, and he flew down and brought me back home immediately. Again, rages from my mother. My father was the only one who ever listened to me. When I re-entered school after Xmas, I found that my mother had spread word around town that I had been sent away for a little “problem”, meaning pregnancy. I could stand no more. A couple of months later, I took my SATs early and scored great, and got my diploma 2 years early. I ditched school for several days and took my test scores to several universities in Chicago, 4 of 5 of which took me on early acceptance at 16. I came home to the rage of my drunk mother, who of course thought I was lying about starting university a couple months later, until she called the deans and got confirmation. Then she was all over the social circuit in Chicago talking about the fact that her little girl was “so gifted, that in fact they had figured out a way for to be accepted to university early”. My father bought me an apartment in Chicago, I moved out and started school, and shortly thereafter they moved back to Texas. I did well in school, and decided after a year to transfer to a university in Texas, though not in my home town — to keep the distance. While I was a freshman in Chicago, my father divorced my mother.
College – While a sophomore in college with my roommate, my cousin, she told me she had heard about all the drug use, pregnancy stuff etc. I told her that was all a lie. She had had a feeling it was pretty out there. Meanwhile, my mother was draining my father’s bank accounts somehow. But again, being around my family and cousins brought up all these sinister lies that my mother had told the family, and I was not only mortified, but branded a “black sheep”.
I graduated early, and had always been a language kid, particularly French. So the second I got out of school, I moved to France. Then back to the States and then back to France. I married my first husband, (good guy, but we were too young). I moved back to the US to Aspen, where I started a lucrative marketing firm, which I subsequently sold when my marriage failed. Then I moved back to Texas, not my home town, where I started another consulting firm that I did great on. I took my money and invested in a start-up in London, which failed in the crash of 2000. Then I was hired by a global telecom in Paris as a vice president, but they too were eventually hit by the crunch. I lost a lot of money, but met my current (10 years) French husband there. From Paris, we moved to the Cote d’Azur and now live in Brittany.
Extremely long winded story short, I had to put an ocean between me and my mother. Which on the other hand had the sad result of isolating me from family I love. Though I am married to a wonderful man who knows all of the details of my family, I probably unconsciously chose someone who doesn’t speak English and my mother can’t poison. I am very close to my siblings and cousins who are now all aware of my mother’s illness. To be fair too, my siblings all had a DIFFERENT experience with her, mostly bad, but certainly different, which I would like to understand and embrace too. Thank God for being there, and also for Skype!
But this experience f***ed me up horribly in adulthood. I even have not had children for fear of repeating the same behaviour and hurting a child. And It might now be too late for me. Feelings of guilt, shame, inadequacy, co-dependence, depression/being broken — all of the things that no therapist has been able to help me with until I found out about this diagnosis. So maybe now, I can find one with this in hand and say “AHA”, this is where this comes from!!! And here is how you deal with it. Bible Study has helped me a lot. And having just moved to a new town is pretty hard, but my logical brain knows how to deal with it. It’s just that little girl in me that was rejected by her Mommy, that is still in adult pain.
I have one good remedy though, a little pug puppy. She is the love and light in my life. And a great husband.
And guess who booked tickets to come over and visit for Xmas without even asking me first? My mother and stepfather. She isn’t drinking now, but I dread the first fireside chat when she will remind me of what a piece of s*** I am. If that happens, she is going to the nearest hotel. My sister won’t let her be around her girls without supervision. But maybe the meds and age have taken the edge off her now. Can’t say I’m looking forward to Xmas, but I definitely know who will be staying in our guesthouse as opposed to the main one.
My BPMom
Hello friends with your eyes burned off from reading my post, which was essentially a huge vomitosis! Really sorry for that, but it was freeing for me to tell someone except my diary about it.
There is more to tell of course. But I think everyone has had enough for now. Thank you so much for letting me finally tell someone besides my husband, with my little cutie pug curled up in my lap. It really does help to know what the hell happened. I know my siblings are suffering from this aftermath also, but don’t know that they will do anything about it.
I was so afraid, I went and had myself tested for every known thing on the planet from thyroid imbalance to schizophrenia, and certainly bipolar. I have nothing except a painful childhood to supercede.
I know many of you must be thinking that because we had money, I shouldn’t be complaining. But on the other hand, I think it made it easier to hide from the public. I pretty much lost all of my money with the technology boom and crash. I just have to get my confidence back, which I was robbed of a long time ago.
Pug kisses are great. I sent forth many, many pug kisses, which they have an endless supply of. It might smell like dog food, but it is so worth it!
XX
I just want to tell you that I have pugs too and they get me through the worst of times. Whenever the family drama comes knocking, my pugs are there, wagging their little curly tails and are ready to shower me with love. They are the best family I’ve ever had.
Other then it being very sad it was rather nice to know I’m not the only person sitting around dealing with all this craziness. Im 23 years old and Im married with a 10 month old baby Im also an only child. I dont even know where to begin with this I’ve really just recently started speaking to anyone about this. For as long as I can remember my mother has been emotionally abusive to me while my dad just sat back and pretended like everything was normal.All through highschool we would get into stupid fights over food (I think she has a slight anorexia thing also) & she would call me fat and yell at me until I cried and tell me if I wanted to be fat then I could be fat! Did I mention I wore a size 0-3. When she’s in a good mood things are great and we are like best friends, but 2 seconds later I could say just one tiny little thing wrong (to her) not in anyone else’s eyes and she will go off telling me I’m stupid and I’m a b**** or a peice of s*** … the worst daughter a huge disappointment a fatass you get the idea… Then its the silent treatment for hours while I sit there trying to figure out what I could’ve possibly done differently to not ruin our day & then I suck up until she starts being nice to me again. She constantly tried to tell me how to raise my daughter and how I know nothing about raising a child apparently she knows everything. On a normal basis she tells me she hates my husband and is so disappointed I married someone like him. Which is only because he doesnt sit around like my father and let her treat me horrible nor does he just take it like I do when she is rude or mean to him. Actually she has started gripping more about him to me because it hurts me more when she talks about him and she knows it. I try so hard to keep her happy but I just dont know what to do. Everyone keeps telling me that I just need to cut her out of my life as much as possible but I dont know how I have so many mixed feelings! She can make me absolutely hate her because she makes me feel so horrible about myself, but at the same time I want so badly for her to just be that sweet loving mother like many other people have!
RippedNtorn:
The key is when you said you ‘try so hard to keep her happy’. You have never had that ability, and that was never your responsibility.
You have a husband and child now, your responsibility belongs there. Cutting your mother out of your life is entirely your decision, and I feel for you in having to make it. You’re not just cutting your mother out of your life, but also that of your family. Would your family be better off?
As with my mother, it sounds like yours uses guilt to manipulate you. It’s a powerful tool, because SHE isn’t the one that wields it, you are. Don’t let her have that control.
I find this site to be bitter-sweet.. It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone, however, I would never wish having a bipolar parent on my worst enemy.
My mother has had bipolar disorder since I was about 6 years old. She also self-medicates with alcohol.. bluntly, she is an emotional mess. My father knows she is mentally unstable, and rather than remove our family from her, he removes himself: staying late at work to avoid confrontation.. leaving his children at home to be her emotional punching bags. As the oldest, I took the brunt of her lashings.. She called me fat.. which led to boughts of anorexia, and bulimia.. ultimately I left home at 17 and dropped out of high school. Sadly, I would have graduated at the top of my class, as I am remarkably intelligent.. however, the lack of parenting and stable environment was altogether too much. My decision to leave came shortly after I ended up at the mental hospital.. for attempted suicide. Honestly, I wasn’t trying to end my life. I wanted people, professionals, to know what was going on.. That my mother was not who she portrayed herself to be.. sadly, there is no help for individuals with coexisting mental and substance abuse inflictions. Believe me, I have tried every avenue possible.. mobile response, social services, police, hospitals, and at the tender age of 14, I scheduled an appointment with her psychiatrist.. I was told that these individuals have found a loop hole in the system. The fact that a loophole exists is far crazier than my mother will ever be.
My solution, which has worked for me thus far, is therapy and distance. I rarely attend family events, I screen her phone calls(she tends to leave long, crude, intentionally damaging messages), I refuse to tell my mother where I live..
The result: She hardly calls anymore, and if she does, 8 out of 10 times she leaves kinder messages. When I do stop by, she is conscious of her behavior.. apologizes when she is getting “out-of-hand.” At times she is nasty, because she does not know where I live..but, during one of her “good spells” told me that she understood, and that it was for the best.
With everyone else, who enable her to continue her lifestyle.. she is emotionally abusive, at times physically.. but because I chose not to endure and enable.. she knows that maintenance of OUR relationship requires vigilance on HER part. Ironically, I am the parent and she is the child in tantrum.
It is emotionally hurtful, believe me, I know firsthand. As much as you love, and want her.. love and put yourself first.
Hi there, I’m the daughter of a mother I presume is bipolar though she has never been diagnosed. The guilt, shame and difficulty I have with her is something I am finding very hard to deal with. But it makes me wonder if there is some other forum where families of bipolar individuals can discuss these things. While it was great to find this comment section I can imagine some sort of message board system would be far easier and more effective.
I’m sure there is a forum, chat room, or online support group available. The few that I have been involved in seem to work like Homeowners associations – smooth for a while until someone on a power trip decides to ‘improve’ things. I’ve got enough drama without the cyber version.
If you don’t find one that you like, you could always set one up yourself.
Hey thanks a lot for the reply. Now that I think about it I have to competely agree, I’ve seen forums go to the dogs as a result of powertripping users. And often the moderators are a total liability. I guess I had a kind of idealised version of how a forum could work for people like us but now I think I’ll stick around here. Everyone has been polite and earnest and amiable. Agreed, I have enough real life drama and while this comments section isn’t custom built it is very effective and eliminates a lot of drama.
Yes, please anyone that finds a site let us all know. It would be nice to chat or vent with others in my situation. Though I have enjoyed this site it would be nice…
Despite what I said back to namegoeshere I’m going to have a look around and see if I make any good discoveries because I’m still curious as to what is out there. And with namegoeshere’s input to think about I can be more selective with what I find. It’s worth a look anyway and I’ll report back here if I find anything that piques my interest 🙂
If there is enough interest, I might consider creating a forum. I have done similar before, and it can be a LOT of work. If you are interested, let me know if you would be willing to help the running of it.
If I do, some of the rules will be:
No profanity
No flame wars
No selling, financial interests in products MUST be disclosed
Everything must be anonymous – names, places, etc
Reading will be open to anyone
Posting/comments will require registration
I would love a forum. I’ve felt so alone my whole life as a child of a bipolar parent. NOONE understands it unless they have been through it themselves.
I am so thankful to have found your site.
This is a great site. Feels weird to be adding a post, but tonight has been a breaking point of sorts for me and I would appreciate any advice or encouragement.
I am a 27 year old child of a bipolar mother, the oldest of 5. The older four of us are biological (I have a 26 year old sister, 23 year old brother, and 15 year old sister). My youngest brother is our half-brother and is currently 8. My father died unexpectedly when I was 15 and life has been going downhill for my family since then. My mother has been bipolar as long as I can remember as well as an alcoholic which she refuses to admit. She was always so generous when she was well, active in our schools and churches, a stay-at-home mom until the oldest 3 of us were in school full-time. Intertwined with those memories are vivid memories of her getting drunk and attacking my father, coming after me with a knife (She was only “playing” she says), her inappropriate relationship with another man which resulted in a sister that was put up for adoption, etc. I now wonder if she was ever really that loving mother or if it was just an idolized version of her created in a child’s mind.
After my father passed she predictably turned to the bottle and racked up two DUI’s in the first year while blowing through all of his life insurance money. I gave her the benefit of the doubt–she’d just lost her husband and was now a widow and single mother. I spent the last few years of high school taking care of her and my younger siblings until she kicked me out in the middle of the night during a fight when I was 17. Can’t remember the details of the fight except that to this day she insists she kicked me out because I was “out of control”. Odd, seeing as how I was missing school to pick HER up from jail and make sure the younger ones got to school while also babysitting the younger ones after school (no social life for me!) and helping her pay the bills. I never came back after that…until now.
During the first years I was gone my mother met and got pregnant by a new boyfriend. I was graduating high school when my little half-brother was born. After high school I put myself through college while my other sister joined the Army. I wrongly assumed my mother and her boyfriend were taking care of themselves. I got a call about 4 years ago saying that the house was getting foreclosed on…in 7 days. I am still trying hard to figure out how two adults (my mother and my little brother’s father) could not pay a mortgage and utility bills between the two of them. Especially considering my mother was receiving survivor’s Social Security benefits for my younger sister and brother from my father’s death. She said she had a friend who was a loan officer and could sign the house over to me. In a year she would sign it back over to herself. I had two choices–say ‘No’ and leave the 5 of them to find a place to live in 7 days (I was living in a 2 BR apartment with a roommate at the time) or just sign the paper allowing them to stay in the house and let her have it back in a year. The answer seemed simple, I couldn’t just leave them homeless, so I did it.
Fast forward 4 years. We received a lump sum of money from the “sale” which I now know was a horrible decision. Keep in mind I was 22 and in my last year of college when she asked me to do this, giving me 7 days to seal the deal. I had no idea she was off her meds and incapable of making responsible decisions. She blew through the money from the “sale” which would have helped put my little sister through college or been a nice cushion for the next several years. Two years ago, after my little brother’s father and her split because he was a complete deadbeat, she began dating a new man. This was around the time she had “lost” her job, stopped paying the mortgage on time (but didn’t let me know until I checked my credit report), and was having the utilities cut off for non-payment. My older brother was 20 at the time and still living at home with my younger sister and baby half-brother. I began receiving calls from him that Mom wasn’t coming home some nights, the heat had been cut off, there was no food in the house, etc. I would order food for them, buy groceries, catch up the bills while my brother took care of the kids because Mom was spending time with her new boyfriend. Not surprisingly my little brother developed behavioral problems at school and my little sister’s graders were dropping. I realized I wasn’t helping from after. I spoke with my older sister who was just getting out of the Army and we agreed to move back into the house to help get things back on track.
We offered my mother to take care of the children and the house in exchange for her leaving. We wanted her to leave because there is never any compromise with her–it’s her way or no and nothing is EVER her fault. Plus, we owe her for all of the years that she took care of us. (Wait, isn’t that what mother’s are supposed to do?) It wasn’t her fault the house got foreclosed on, it wasn’t her fault she “lost” her job (she had another job after her long-time position was eliminated but she didn’t “like” it so she quit), it wasn’t her fault my little brother was getting in trouble at school (it’s because his father doesn’t discipline him), it wasn’t her fault my little sister failed 5th grade (that was my little sister’s fault because she was “lazy”). Her excuses are endless and she is always the victim. Most recently, her car got impounded because she put up the title for a cash loan. She called me and told me it was stolen. I lent her my car for the time being while the police did their “investigation” only to find out through a family friend that they had come to repossess the car because she never repaid the cash loan. When I confronted her about that she told me “there were some things I didn’t need to know” and that she didn’t even take out the loan, my brother’s father did. Imagine that, not her fault again.
She agreed to leave and moved in with her new boyfriend. Life was great for us as things were stable and calm. That lasted about a month until she called me drunk and crying from a gas station in the middle of the night saying that her and the new boyfriend had gotten in a fight and he’d kicked her out. Since then she has hit rock bottom. She has no job, no car, no income. 3 months ago she got another DUI after she hit someone on a motorcycle. She landed in jail for a week, we paid to get her car out of impound only to find out that she had been driving this car without insurance since I refused to pay for hers any longer. She is currently serving a month-long stint in jail which I wish could be longer.
She is taking a toll on my mental health and destroying this family. She doesn’t think she needs help and only goes to the doctor or to therapy if she thinks we’re going to kick her out. My youngest brother and her have developed sickeningly dependent relationship. She allows him to sleep with her at night (he is 8) and refuses to enforce any of the rules we impose on him. She helps him hide referrals from school because she doesn’t want us to reprimand him. She clearly favors him over my younger sister (who is 15 now) yet doesn’t understand why my sister hates her.
I’m torn about what to do with her. I feel like I can’t kick her out without my younger siblings thinking I’m a horrible persona and resenting me, but the longer I take care of things the more she thinks it’s ok to do what she wants. Meanwhile, my little brother is turning into a monster and I feel like by maintaining this lifestyle for them I contribute to it. At one point am I helping versus enabling? What rights do I have to take custody of the younger two and be done with her?
Additionally I own two businesses and feel like I am at a crossroads. Either I give up my own social and professional life at the expense of providing for this family or I wash my hands of the situation and forever live with the guilt. My youngest sister is at such an impressionable age and I could never forgive myself if I abandoned her in this situation. Not to mention if I abandon the house they have nowhere to live. I volley constantly between rage and guilt, but at what point do I get to start living my life?
Lesha,
I too grew up with a bipolar mother and I understand the chaos and sacrifices that come with the whole ordeal. I really relate to a lot of what you have written. I can’t help but notice how young you are, yet your words make you sound so much older. I can tell you’ve been through a lot in this life. Sending you a giant hug Lesha!
You talk a lot about feeling guilty and I really relate to that. I spent years feeling guilty about my mom’s illness and my families chaos. Partially because they would usually find a way to blame me for their poor choices. Eventually I started using drugs to help me cope with the pain of it all. I hit bottom at age 25 and one day woke up, realizing that something had to change so that I could live a successful life and accomplish my dreams. At the time, I was allowing their chaos and madness to destroy me, I knew if I didn’t take control of my life I was going to die.
The advice I am giving you below is basically a summation of things I did to overcome my situation with a dysfunctional family and my bipolar parent. It may help, it may not, but I can say that these steps worked for me. I am now sober, happily married, financially secure, and I too am in the process of starting my own business. I can’t say that my family relationships are a whole lot better, but my methods for coping with them have increased dramatically.
The first step is putting you first. Your feelings, your needs, and your dreams are the most important. You need to take time every day to make sure that you are healthy, nurtured and cared for. You owe nothing to anyone else and do not let others make you feel guilty for things that are completely out of your control. You can do this by creating an emotional wall between yourself and the person creating the chaos (whether it be your mother or anyone else). Stop letting these people into your heart and mind, until your needs have been addressed and you have some tools for coping with their chaos. You are #1 Lesha!
Next, setup some healthy boundaries between you and your mom. Setting up healthy boundaries was the toughest thing for me because essentially you are undoing years of unhealthy interactions and expectations that have been laid upon your shoulders by that person. I set up my boundaries both verbally and in writing. Basically let that person know that you are creating a healthy life and space for yourself and you will no longer be feeding into negativity or bailing out people who have made poor decisions. Let them know that you will no longer be accountable for their poor choices and little emergencies.
However, remember to tell your mom that you love her and that you will be supportive of positive things in her life. You want her to be happy and successful in life. You will help her with positive and supportive things. If your mom needs money for medication to help treat bipolar, drive to the pharmacy with her and pay for the pills yourself. Make sure she has her meds. If she needs something to eat, go pick her up a loaf of bread and some peanut butter and jelly. Don’t give her cash under any circumstances. Remember, support only the positive, and let her know she is on her own with anything the falls outside that category. I would also let her know that she is not allowed in your life unless she is sober and in compliance with treatment. She can make the choice not to comply with your demands or with treatment, but that means she is on her own.
Once you have the boundaries setup, you need to learn to recognize when it’s appropriate to help someone and when it’s appropriate to practice tough love and turn your back. If mom drives drunk and ends up in jail, she needs to sit there without anyone bailing her out. You should have ZERO guilt on your end when things like this happen because she did this to herself and you had NOTHING to do with it. If she stops making payments and things get repossessed, do not bail her out. Let her lose those things…However, under no circumstances should you put yourself at risk by helping anyone. Remember you are #1 and your needs come first. Lie if you have to. I started lying to people about money as a way to protect myself form their poor choices. Why should I drain my hard earned money from a 401K or savings account, when their reckless behaviors with money are what put them in that position to begin with???
Basically in doing these things you are letting your mom know that you will no longer be a VICTIM to her bad decisions in life. Your mom claims to be the victim, but in reality you and your siblings are victims to her poor choices and that needs to stop.
To address the issue you mentioned with your siblings, if it were me, I would seek full guardianship of the siblings and move to a safe home where they can grow up free from the chaos of your mom. Do not abandon them. They need you and your mom should only be allowed in their life if she is compliant with treatment, making good choices and in a healthy space.
Finally, seek counseling if you can afford it. A counselor is a great sounding board for day to day issues that can come up with your mom/family. The can be a great support for all of you.
That’s all I have to say for now. I hope you come back and read my message. Feel free to email me if you want to chat more – janetdover @ gmail .com.
Best wishes,
J
Youre so cool! I dont suppose Ive read anything like this before. So good to seek out any individual with some authentic ideas on this subject. realy thank you for beginning this up. this website is something that is needed on the net, somebody with a little bit originality. helpful job for bringing something new to the internet!
*URL REMOVED & Email obfuscated for being suspected spam
Hi, i am currently at university studying learning difficulties and disabilties. I am currently doing research into children with a parent who has bipolar and how it affects them, because as far as im aware and rsearched it seems there is not a lot information and help for the children of people with bipolar. I found your story very moving and was wondering if you would be willing to to participate. It would be completly confidental. If you would be willing to take part or would like more information you can email me anytime. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Kind regards Danielle Mc
I am the adult child of a bi-polar parent as well. I have not been abused or traumatized to the degree of other people on this forum but I appreciate the exhaustion that comes with having a mentally ill family member.
I think there is so much research done on the cause of the disease and developing medications. There should be MANDATORY behaviour therapy for each person diagnosed with this disease.
There should also be contact between the psychiatrists, counselors and the children of these parents. We grow up in chaos and unpredictably. Everyone is so focused on the ‘sick’ person, no one sees that the children are falling apart, we are forced to become responsible for our parents when they are having an episode. We live with the constant guilt of growing up and trying to have our own lives and ‘leaving’ our parents. We get sucked into manipulative behaviour.
It astonishes me how one person in my life can affect every part of my life, work, marriage, kids, school, friends.
The bipolar is demanding and unreasonable, rarely gives children praise, at least in my case. It seems my mother prefers to me see me down and suffering like her. She is happiest when I am miserable and ‘need’ her but when I ‘need’ her she is unable to give me the love, attention and understanding I need.
If I am having problems in my life and want to talk to her about how I feel it is always turned back to her. How her life was much harder. Its exhausting I love her when she is ‘normal’ but the depression and mania are unbearable and make me resent her and hide until she is back to ‘normal’.
I would appreciate any advice. Many of you have been the situation my niece and nephew are in now. My sister is 45 and her children are 18 and 16. I have been aware for a long time that my sister is almost certainly bipolar – my mother’s cousin was, ‘manic depressive’ in those days and her behaviour is so similar. At Christmas time her 18 year old broke down crying to me. She has always been this unbelievably good, good daughter but she began to tell me what has actually been happening. I have known my sister was ill for a long time but I was very shocked a) at the level of abuse and b) at the basic complicity of her husband in letting the children go through this. Her 18 year still lives at home because my sister is very very controlling and threatens to withdraw her university funding if she makes any attempt to move out. Anyway to cut a long story short, I put my niece in touch with a therapist and gave her money for a session of counselling. I said to her she has got to understand that her mother is ill and that she has to move out and start to make her adult life away from all the drama. I don’t believe my sister’s husband will allow her to wreck her child’s life. He is basically a very good man but he has spent 20 years trying to cope with my sister and doing anything to placate and stabilize her and the children have fallen victim to that.
My sister found out about the therapy yesterday and she is hysterically angry with me. She says I am ‘poisoning relationships’, ‘attempting to destroy the family etc’. Crazily, although I absolutely know my niece was desperate for help, I actually feel guilty for going behind her back. What further can I do for my niece and nephew? What should my role be here? Despite everything ( she is five years older than me and has pretty much been consistently nasty to me all my life) I do love my sister. But I am a mother myself and I want those two young people to be able to LIVE.
you basically explained my life iam a son of a bipolar
You don’t mention the type of abuse, so I assume it is exclusively verbal/emotional. If so, the ‘authorities’ are very unlikely to be of any assistance at all.
Your sister’s husband is probably suffering from ‘learned helplessness’, and will most likely be no help to you or your nieces.
As to what you can do… You could take them in yourself, and deal with all the drama that would cause, as well as possible legal ramifications. Other than that, be supportive, and make sure that she knows she isn’t the only one with an insane mother. You might even try having them over on weekends. You might have to make some excuse like cleaning out the yard, garage, etc. If you do, remember that NOTHING negative should ever get back to your sister. Any hint of a problem will get distorted and amplified – at least it did in my case.
Just let her know that her mother’s behavior isn’t normal. Encourage her to have outside interaction, but be careful because if she is starved for affection it might put her in a worse situation. Stress that she has to grow and stabilize herself emotionally before she gets into any serious relationships.
Also, don’t be surprised if your niece is angry with you as well, after all, you ’caused’ a big disturbance. If your niece blames you for it, so be it. Don’t get defensive or say that your niece confided in you. That little bit of guilt you felt is a tiny piece of what your niece deals with daily.
She’s dealt with it (relatively) successfully for 18 years, and she’ll have to deal with it for a few more until she leaves home. She knows this, but so does her mother, and that is probably amplifying any kind of mood swing.
Let me know how it turns out and if I can be of any help.
hello,
iam 21 years old my mother has bipolar.ive never spoke to anyone about this.she has had this condition all my life .she is controlling,moody,never wrong can be violent and takes all her problems out on my dad.i was never told what her condition intailed and i never found out because far as i knew she was normal,so i belived what she told me and it has caused me to make bad desisions. moving back to her address with my dad i realise she and my dad has been kidding me all my life .My dad isnt a lot of help he is hard work to talk to its like hes had enough.i have lots of examples of her blaming me her latest is .look at all this weight ive lost. surpose its had nothing to do with the major opperation she had.but i still dont no what it was for because im kept in the dark by my mum and dad about everything when i ask them things its so hard to get an answer it ends in arguments and they are happy blaiming me.i moved away had good jobs with a house and a very pretty girl friend who said she loves me.i never told my mum because in the past she has ruined my frienships as well as her own.but my dad used to phone me everyday bringing me down because of my mum but he hardly said unless i asked and i felt guilty.so i never fought i belonged to anything i wish i forgot all about them and carried on without them.now i have lost my job back home i realise what she has done.every time i do something positive she ruins it by making a drama shouting arguing.i dont have money to move out so i feel im stuck in a hole can you give me any advise how to controll her ive got to the point i need to ignore her which is hard.i feel that this paragragh dosent get my point across as i type she is shouting .its giving me i cant bebothered attitude.iam due to have a opparation on my back hopefully this will sort it and i can leave get a job im thinking army change my contact deatails and dissapear
My 33year old daughter is bi-polar. She has 3 children. She is divorced. Her ex has their two sons. I have her daughter (age 13) living with me. My bi-polar daughter is adopted. Her bio-mom was bi-polar. I have all the feelings that y’all have expressed in this blog. My daughter is beautiful, smart, talented…and mentally ill. I am so afraid for my granddaughter’s future in dealing with her vampire mother. She will suck life right out of anyone who will let her. She abandoned these children to go live with another man and travel. That ended and her ex went and picked her up and let her move in with him again. She spent her ex husbands entire inheritance -about a quarter million dollars and then left him. She drinks, does drugs, tells unbelievable lies and (on Facebook) lives a completely fictitious life of travel and excitement. They are penniless. He lives in a run down
rental. She pops in and out of our lives like a hurricane. I pray she finds salvation and that the Lord will take her home and thereby put her and us out of misery. I feel guilty for even thinking these thoughts. I am her mother. I am supposed to protect her, but how do I protect her from herself and how do I protect my family , myself and my grandchildren from her?
I really see no end to any of our problems for any of us affected by this terrible condition!
Hello,
I am a young mother that has Bipolar and other disorders, and I trying to raise two children. I say this website and it made me sad. I am trying to get a better understanding of what I have. I can admit that I have a problem, and I do get help for it. Me as a parent I am over protective of my children, I care about the people she is around when she is with her father, I do not let her around kids that beat up other kids and swear. I do not like people having my daughters pictures blasted on the internet for everyone to see when it says where the person lives. This is me as a Bipolar parent that has many other things wrong and I that bad.
I am 16 years old i have 2 little brothers and i took a psychology class that helped me realize my mom is bipolar well my grandma is to. i dont spend alot of time with my grandma but u can say she accuses everyone of stealing her things like blenders and dresses and stuff but they are there? when i was little i would belive the people she was accusing were bad people and id be scared to go around them in a way i was brain washed. My mom on the other hand would always ask me if my dad and granpa raped me and shed be soo paranoid that the sexually assulted me all the time! They never did! My dad is super nice and would neverr do that nor my grandpa! i was 5 6 yrs old and she made me really cautious about that like i shouldnt trust anybody and the whole worl was evil. my mom never gave me confidence i have lowww self esteem. Now she makes it worst and puts me down she thinks im a ho and calls me a prostitute (she thinks im in a prostitution ring) and thinks i do all the drugs in the world when in reality im a straight a student that is graduating early from high school.! She thinks my 14 yr old brother is in a GANG and goes to sniff coke with his friends. My youngest brother is 10 and she treats him liike gold …for now. He realizes she is sick. My dad has been married to her for 17 years and hes been knowing she is sick my mom is sooo mean to him i seriously dont know how she gets the crazy ideas that he cheats on her with a diffrent women every week she creates diffrent names every week like monica, maria, flor, benita! and now is acussing him of sleeping with men! On top of that she does not spend her money wisely she cannot be independent she has to depend on my dad otherwise she would be in a deep hole now…of course my dad has to get her out. My mom makes it impossible though she thinks she right all the time! she wants to lock us up in an asylum beacause we are the crazy ones!!!???? and she belives that witch craft thingys are going to make her rich in career health money etc. shes obsessed with psychics and will pay so much to order the nick nacks or whatever they sell! then i tell my mom speciffically not to do somthing and she does the oposite! shes always told me not to accept food from anyone not even friends because its all poisned and if we bring home somthing its possesed by the demoned or itss poisoned. My mom is supposed to be my role model when i was young i did belive her and i was a scared small little girl that didnt trust no one and cryed over anything thankfully i overcame some of that myself and nw i know what is right from wrong. im just worried for my youngest brother. My mom hurt me deep emotionally and even physically i hold so much hatred against her i try to runaway from her but shes right behind me all the time she doesnt accept she needs help and she cant be alone. i am scared to what shes capable of doing. i want a nice mom i envy my friends moms when i have troubles which i have alot of who do i go to! i cant trust my mom she will just be negative and make me feel like a delinquent.
i love this website there is so much i can relate to!!:)
Diana – is there another woman in your family or your circle that you trust? My niece who is 18 finally opened up to me a few months ago about what was going on with her bipolar mom. The stupid thing is that I have been worried about her for so long, and she has been suffering for so long, but neither of us said anything because we were worried about upsetting my sister. When my niece finally said something, I got her into therapy. She is in therapy now – her dad has agreed to pay, like your dad he is a super guy – and she is working through all the crap from her childhood. My sister is incredibly angry with me but I know now that there isn’t anything I can do for my sister, if she continues to refuse treatment. The person I can be loyal to is my niece, who like you I suspect, is a wonderful, bright, young woman. I guess what I am saying is that if there is someone you like in your environment, particularly family, forget all your mom’s paranoid stuff. On the whole people are good. It’s very very tough to be the child of a bipolar mum but you still have your whole life ahead of you, and life is a wonderful gift.
sarah- well where i live there isnt really much family. My moms family doesn’t even live out here and im not really close to them. i’m planning to talk to them over the summer because things just keep getting worst. idk if therepy would help anything and if we have the money to pay it. i just learned to be strong and understand that my mom is sickk. it is tough but my plann is too movee out in less then a year and see what happens after that
Oh dear – another day of you’re so deeply evil – I’m so righteous from my sister. I will do basicallly anything to help my niece and nephew but I have spent the day yelling at my own 5 yr old and 3 yr old as I processed my sister’ s crap. It would make the world of difference to me if someone said, yes, you did make things easier by intervening, even if it came at a cost. I know when I write this that I am so lucky my own mum wasn\t bipolar.
*edited by NameGoesHere 04/03/11
As a child of a bipolar parent it has been so difficult for me to sort out what is normal in our relationship and what is inappropriate. As I’ve grown older, I’ve gotten better at this ability.
So recently I had another off-the-wall interaction with my bipolar father. He has no idea how to communicate normally with people about any kind of perceived issue without coming off abrupt, stressed out, and actually kind of rude.
During the call he basically tells me he has decided to stop taking care of his health problems and is refusing medical treatment and monitoring from here on out. He was very insistent about the whole thing and also mentioned he was taking legal actions to prevent his doctors from forcing medications on him. I got so frustrated with the call, partially because of his tone with me and partially because his logic makes no sense.
I tried talking some logic into him about the whole situation but he wouldnt listen. I finally gave up and basically told him that what he does from here on out is his decision and that I am going to remind him of this when the repurcussions start rolling around. I am not going to bare the brunt of these poor choices (ie I dont want to hear it) and listen to the bulls*** anymore.
This is a tough road to take, but really for me it is the only road anymore. You make your bed in life, and you need to lay in it. Sometimes I think my father makes these calls to me just to get a reaction and upset me. Seriously. I would never EVER do this to my kids. EVER. It’s abuse.
Father and the mother hade a child, whom is one of the finiest’s. He’s been in a split relationship sence he was born. We have been bypardision in the sence of partnership of the childs time with each parent. But as the father I have delt along with my child with the mothers drastick changes in the following – persioalit, levels of anger towerdes dicions to be delt,with our childs situation, losing intreast in the child when spending along period of time with him,never wanting to spend to much time with our child espehaliy when she is alone, she will constintly find baby siters for him wile she has him and without informing me. Now with her new child she dose the same.I have came to her side sinc the begening of our child life to take him home with me because of her panics and the seeminly scares of being a parent. Now my child is five years of age wile a great child he seems to be anger and not intreast in alout of what most five year olds would be intreasted in. I need help
I’m so happy I came across this site! My mother is bipolar but no longer takes medicine because she believes she is “cured.” however I finally feel like I’m not crazy because so many of you have dealt with the Same thing I have. I amgetting married this coming august and decided not to invite my mother. I’d rather not deal with it. So it’s created a lot of drama a d her side of my family may not come. Yesterday I finally told her how I felt a d apparently the past 26 years of my life didn’t happen. She told me she didn’t attempt suicide, which I was the one that watched her go in the police car to the psychiatric ward. This blog has made me feel better about
my choices.
Thank you
My mother is bipolar. As a child I was alone and afraid and as an adult I am angry. I am an only child and I grew up living alone with her – with a father and immediate family that decided not to deal with my mother’s illness and leave me to it from the time I could walk. Fortunately, agains the odds, I just became super ambitous in an effort to gain independence and get the hell out of there. Now, at 24 I’ve completed a BCom and a CA designation.
I had to have her involuntarily committed over 15 times. Then I would live with my grandparents who would ask me “how did you let her get sick”….or the nurse at the Psych ward who said “I thought she had such a conscientious daughter – how did she get this bad”. No wonder as children we feel guilt!!!!! Suddenly it is on my shoulders and I’m accountable for your episodes>>>???. Thanks!
Sometimes I think it would be easier (and less embarrassing) if she was gone but then I feel guilty for thinking it. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS!! – not friends, not boyfriends, NO ONE. I’m TOTALLY alienated and alone in dealing with this. It is frustrating because I feel like the only way I can fit in with people is if I hide my feelings and pretend everything is okay. Yay – let’s just pretend.
My mother is acting strange again and all I can do is watch and wait until it gets bad enough to take her to the psych ward, wait 6 hours in the ER for a nurse’s (brilliant) assessment (like after 24 years I wouldn’t be able to tell when she is ill) and then go home alone.
It sucks – but that’s life.
You can’t choose your parents – or lack thereof.
I just stumbled across this blog…not even something that I was looking for, maybe it was meant to be.
It was interesting reading some of your stories, it was like someone was reading my mind and was writing down my experiences for me.
I am an adult child of a mother with bipolar. She has never come out and said she has it, but once mentioned to me her doctor was diagnosing her with Bipolar.
Earliest memories for me, was the irratic behaviour. Nice one minute, down right nasty the next. The names I was called, and didn’t even know what some of them meant, she called me fat, and would do in front of my friends. I was only 12 when she did this and very impressionable, so I started to starve myself, she still poked at my hips and called me fat and even had my younger brother taunting me. She could be physical with us and even told me stories about when I was a baby and she threw me on the couch and I bounced and hit the floor. My father even tells me stories about how he would come home through the door after working all day to cast iron pan coming at his head.
My story is a bit of everyone’s that has written in this blog to share theirs. But to come right to the point, I had to severe the tie a few years ago due to her relationship with my son and the games she started to play with him, but my husband and I would not allow him to go through. As a parent we have the right to cut ties to people that are not safe for our children, whether it is family or not. I did not want to see my son go through what I had.
She is now dying from emphysema and I have no plans to see her. I can and will only feel relief once she is gone. No more harrassing calls, or emails. And I can only hope that maybe she hasn’t damaged my brother’s and mine relationship by that time and that we can once again talk without interference.
I wish you all luck, and just to know that you are not the only one out there. People will not understand what you are going through, unless they have walked in your shoes.
My mom is 91 years old. I am 52 but feel like I’m 5 years old. I still wish for, pray for, cry for, long for normal and consistent “mothering”. The ironic thing is that even at 91, I know my mom is able to give it to me……but her behavior is all dictated on which “side” of her behavior she is on. Loving one minute, cold and cruel the next. And sometimes the loving bahavior has to be forced or prodded and then it’s not authentic anyhow. The lifetime experience of irratic behavior has put a dark hole in my heart. It is so depressing for me. I feel especially sad today. I just wanted to respond to your post because I want you know I care.
So, this mother’s day was difficult. After not speaking to my mom for the past 4 months, I thought it would be time to call. Initially, on Mother’s Day evening, I called my mom. My daughter mostly talked to her, but I did say via speaker phone “Happy Mother’s Day and I love you”. Next thing I know my brother sent me a text that I am a “selfish lameass”. Of course, he wouldn’t reply to my text back on what was wrong. (I am sure my mother called him and spun the situation around that I am a horrible daughter. My brother is such an enabler. His relationship is out of guilt. As he said, “She wiped my a** for so many years so it’s time I should wipe hers.” UGH) The next day, I decided it was time to actually speak to my mother. We had a civil and short conversation. The only time there was any tension (this was in my opinion) was when she tried to make me feel guilty for not talking with her. I told her I had to process and take some time for myself. She said “Well I know you have had a hard time because of your dad’s death.” I then said “It had nothing to do with dad’s death. It was about what went down in my house.” (During her visit, we got in an argument and she hit me. This was after I confronted her about her erratic behavior of drinking, gambling and her 40 year old boy toy-she is 70. I then kicked her out of my house.) She got very quiet. But then we got on another subject. No big deal, right? Wrong. The next morning I got a text that was received at 5 a.m. It was all over the place and was very angry. She accused me of trying to control her. Said that I broke her heart and how happy she has been these last 6 months. I just replied back and said that I only have control over my life and who is in it. But I did say that she would not make me feel guilty with that text message. So far I have not heard anything from her. I am at the point where I refuse to put myself and my daughter in a relationship with her. At this point, she will have to reap what she sows. I am confident in my self. I do not need her love and approval to validate myself as a person. I may forgive her in my heart, but there will not be a reconcilation. Forgiveness takes one. Reconcilation takes two people (two people who want change). Thanks for having this site. It really helps to know there are others out there who are experiencing the same situation.
My father is bi-polar. I am 47 and for the first time, with the help of a great psychologist, am starting to talk about the mental, verbal and physical abuse that my sisters and I endured during our childhood.
I am the youngest of the children. This week I wrote a letter to my sisters letting them know that I was getting help and that if they wanted to talk about the abuse we went through as children they could contact me. I waited for two days, worrying because we NEVER talk about what happened to us as children. Last night the oldest sister called me. The conversation at first was casual, but then she said she and my other sisters had read and discussed my email. We talked about one of the worst abuse situations, which was life-threatening. We are lucky that one of my sisters is not dead and my dad in prison, it was that close. We talked about why our mom didn’t defend us, why she had a function at church or with friends every night. After I hung up it was like a weight off of me! I am not alone and we can get through this together! So many issues I have as an adult are now making sense and I can move beyond them.
You would think I would hate my parents, but I do not. I love them. My dad is sick, and when he decides he doesn’t need his meds it is a nightmare! He is no longer violent, he is very ill and dying from emphysema, so it is not so scary. He still plays his head games, but I tune them out now. He can only hurt me if I let him.
My parents moved close to me so I could help take care of them. Because of the God awful guilt most of us know of, I became their caretaker. I am learning to make a little time each week on MY schedule to check in on them. In the past they would call almost daily with an emergency regarding my dad. I started telling them to call 911, I was not dropping everything or getting up in the middle of night ANY longer!
Find a therapist that you don’t like, you love! I had to go through a few. I waited way too long to put myself first. I was depressed, having panic attacks, and physically ill from the stress.
My daughter in-law’s mother is bi-polar. She really has very little to do with her mom. My son and her have had to change their phone numbers a few times. Writing to each other is the only accepted form of communication that my daughter in-law will accept.
I hope this helps someone out there. Do what you need to do to make yourself whole and happy. As odd as this sounds, what I went through as a child dealing with a bi-polar parent also gave me some great abilities. Try to find those qualities in yourselves. Please don’t dwell on what could have been or what happened.
I am gratefull that a blog like this exists, as painfull as it may be. As most everyone on this blog, I come from a bonified dysfunctional family. My dad used to beat the crap out of us as young children, my mom startet displaying symptoms of mental illness back then as well, but still kept it together. After my parents divorced when I was 8, my younger brother and I went with my mom, and my dad pretty much was out of the picture. My mom gradually went into a state of non-functioning, lost her job, was involuntarily hospitalized twice, inbetween would either be a zombie from all the meds, or once she quit taking them the rages would start again etc. It was hard for my brother and me, but we learned to cope and become our own little family. My mom often disappeard for weeks, leaving us to fend for ourselves as teenagers. In a way, it was easier when she was gone. Things turned out ok for us though thanks to one excellent social worker and several very supportive relatives. In the end, my mom became physically ill, in and out of hospitals (again), and died at age 59, when I was around 24 and just started grad school. However, I count myself lucky in that I still was able to maintain a loving relationship (of sorts) with both of my parents. My mom truely loved us when she had it together, and cared for us as much as she was able to. It nevertheless was almost a relief when she died. I still remember the night after she passed away, I had the Wizard of Oz song “Ding dong the witch is dead” going through my head over and over again, even though I did not hate her and was sad that she died. My dad interestingly made a total turn-around when I was in my twenties. He became a very supportive father and is now a loving grandfather. But there is another aspect to this story that has not been addressed as much in the other posts: This stuff often runs in families… I was diagnosed with “bipolar light” (aka bipolar II) in my early thirties, but am (so far) able to function quite well, and thus far have had a very successful career. My manic episodes are relatively benign, and if I time it right and maintain disciplined, I can use them to my advantage in terms of “hyperproductivity”. Depression can be the bigger problem. I have a very suportive husband (who is also depressive, but we are both working on our respective issues and are now both in treatment, which has helped tremendously). We have two kids and overall a happy, stable family, something I dreamed of as a kid but never thought would be possible. Although I don’t think I will go down the same route as my mom, there is always a bit of nagging anxiety in the background. The issue recently came to the front again due to my now 12 year old daughter. She is a great kid, we love her dearly, but she can be quite challenging. She has ADHD, and can be very moody. My husband, her, and I all share the same psychiatrist (which in itself is an interesting experience). We are also in individual and family counseling with a psychotherapist, which has helped a lot. I recently talked with our psychiatrist, and there is a chance that my daughter’s ADHD is really bipolar in disguise. Bipolar in kids is not fun, and I hope we don’t go down that route. However, I managed to deal with my mom’s and my situation thus far, and hope that by being honest and proactive this is something we can deal with in my daughter if it comes to it. It’s a roller coaster, we have our ups and downs, but thus far have managed to stay on the track.
I’m a 33 year old single mum who googled “my mum’s twin sister is ruining all our lives” and came across this site. I didn’t realise so many of us are in the same boat. Although my mother is not bipolar, her toxic twin sister is. The toxic twin lives in my mums house for 14 years, for twelve of those years my mum cooked, cleaned, shopped…did everything for them both untill last year when mum had two major strokes, mum is left with memory loss, unable to read and cook safely, basically needs prompting for everything. The TT emotionally and mentally abuses mum, puts me down, and is insanely jelous of mine and mum’s relationship partly because the TT gave her 5 year old daughter to my mum and dad when i was one to start a new relationship and work with children. She takes money off my mum and jewellery has gone missing, she swears all the time, she shouts at mum when mum falls which is quite often bless her, once mum fell in the road and the TT shouted “oh what the f*****g hell are you doing now, get up” and this happened infront of my 7year old son. Since then my son is hardly ever around her, this also pleases my son! And i’m glad to say that my son who is now 8 said to me “she’s not normal mummy is she?” i said no darling she’s not and i’m very pleased that you feel that because i thought it was normal when i was young! I’m just so stressed with the situation, i wish she’d just move out but mum keeps changing her mind about her actually doing it, even the TT says she’ll move out and the hell out but never does…why? Because she lives rent free and has her own personal punch bag. When ever i intervene i just get shouted out by the TT .”THATS IT, i’ll move out then when she dies (meaning her sister) you’ll get all the money. (meaning me) she’s money obsessed and never opens any mail.The weird dynamics of identical twins, mum, the weak feminin wall flower and the the TT is the scary, intimidating, clever, devious, schemeing, meddling, controling, lying, abusive, chain smoking, big bully of an O.A.P needs to jog on her own little path in life and let me mum and my boy enjoy life but fear this will never happen due to there weirdness of there relationship even if it sucks the life out of my poor ol mum, i am at a loss and feel totally drained and exhausted although my spirits have been lifted by finding this website and reading all your stories. My thoughts are with you all and the one’s who have yet to stumble here, as diseases and disorders leave scars for the loved one’s closest to them. I struggle with feeling hate and contempt for the TT. My head is soooo full of this c**p, it’s always about her, when it should be about me, lil one and mum, any advice would be great .x.
ps..please would anyone have information on how to evict bipolar twin from my mum’s house? She pay’s no rent and there is no tenancy agreement. Could i get her evicted on the grounds of metal and emotional abuse?? Mum doesn’t want to go back to her own home : [ so i’m keeping her with me untill i can get something sorted out.
It depends on where you live. In most places, you will have to provide them written notice. If they still don’t leave, you will take them to court. The local police or an attorney will be able to help. If you know someone who is a realtor, especially one that does property management, they may have advice for you.
Hello. I am bipolar and 40yrs old today. I am a mother of two teenagers. I am frustrated because both of my daughters claim that I am losing it or crazy for that matter. They don’t seem to understand that they really push my buttons as if it was on purpose. I let them have many opportunities to be with their friends, and I am easy on them as far as chores. Yet they think their life is unfair, and that I am the worsest mother on earth. They have done a good job making me feel like one anyways. I am also deaf too so its hard to understand everything around me. I wish my girls would want to learn sign language but they just don’t care. My husband lives out of state temporarily and well, he is very verbal and controlling. For me to deal with all of this is too much at times. Its like I have to be perfect in order for them to be happy. What about me? When can I ever feel happy for myself? I love my girls to pieces. I don’t know what I’d do without them. They are my world. Yet I feel like despair cuz they remind me how I “failed” cuz I am not bold like the dad is. I could go on and on but to get to the point, I feel like breaking down. I already tried to be strong as I could. I don’t know. I don’t know what to think anymore.
I have come to learn that once you have a bipolar parent the whole family basically becomes sick. I’m 30 yrs old and my mother has been bipolar since before I was born. I ask her all the time why on earth would you bring another child into this world knowing you have this illness?? I have two older brothers one looks like he is following right behind her with the behavior. My mother was never really violent when she would go Manic, But if you don’t give her what she wants it was the threatening of suicide or the you “don’t care about me” manipulative game. Oh and lets not forget, Your not my daughter or your just like your father. Who by the way divorced her due to this illness. There are medications that will stabilize them but only to a certain point. My mother feels she will do whatever she wants and doesn’t want to deal with the consequences. Financially I give her money each month and a good sum I might add only to get a call the electric bill is behind or she needs money for cigarettes. And if I cant provide that money I get about 10 calls a day of her begging and being relentless. Her behavior has become a strain on my marriage. She basically takes advantage and figures that I’m sorry makes up for it or that her being bipolar is an excuse to use. It is very hard, I come from a Italian family, And we don’t turn our backs. But This relationship with her is toxic to my well being I just may have to cut my ties.
I came across this site searching for ‘ is it normal to want to rebuild a relationship with my bipolar mother?’ I find it very hard to speak to anyone about as so many people do not understand the illness and just think its all in their heads so writing this helps me feel like Im not alone and that there are other people who understand. Growing up my parents relationship was always rocky but they always stayed together. My mum has not always been manic but as she has gotten older things have spiralled down hill really bad, i think it has alot to do with her going through manopause, im not really sure. She is normally a very sweet, caring and loving person. A sook really but she says she cant cope with anything. So when her father died last year this set off 1 of many manic attacks. She is no one I recognise when this happens, she is mean, rude, talks smut and dillusional almost to the point like she is split personality. Its very scary to watch and hard to cope with especially when she wakes up and realises what she has done. Ive copped alot of abuse and my partner bares the brunt of it as she thinks he is keeping me from her, but honestly im just scared and want normality for my child and my own family. My father is in denial I think as why would someone living with a bipolar partner continue to drink and offer it to her, this is when things go bad and when she had a manic attack at my house I rang my dad for help and he refused to speak to me along with my 2 brothers who are 23 and 29 i myself am 26. I decided to shut them all out after this incident and they think im the bad one. I can accept this as i know im only doing what is best for me. She is getting help now and is on meds after being admitted to hospital, shes been to counselling and now seems to be settling. But how do i discuss making things right with my mum again with my partner. He is very hurt by everything she has said about him and i dont blame him i just want him to know i need to do this for myself not him. But then im confused what if he is right , what if this never changes? What if its always this hard and im always going to get hurt?
Hi — I just wanted to respond. My mom is bipolar and an alcoholic. She recently was hospitalized because of alcoholic liver disease, and watching her struggle and being a part of her struggle has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. I recently started a blog about some experiences (http://mymotherisbipolar.blogspot.com/) because I don’t know how else to cope.
Anyway, it’s understandable that your partner feels hurt. If you could find a way to acknowledge how he feels, but also admit to him your feelings of wanting to try to mend things with your mom…that might be a start. Having compassion for someone who is acts like a total ass**** is hard, but if you try to encourage him to think of your mom as someone who was sick and not someone who is just mean/doesn’t like him, then maybe that could help him understand.
In terms of if it’s the right thing for YOU to do, I’d say just go slow. And remember to ALWAYS take care of yourself first. You can’t be there for anyone else if you’re not in good shape yourself. Good luck and reach out for help if you need it!!
i was just going to write what mymomsbipolar wrote moreless your husband has everyright to be upset but same time it is your mom and she is ill .
its a disease so hard to understand cause they all have different levels of severity I would keep my husband and mother seperate the damage that has been done or what ever hurt him is way harder for him to suck up then you and your first response is protect right ? im sure thats all hes trying to do but in reality until theyve been locked up, hospitalized or restaining orders,they are our moms and they are sick its just how do you endure and stay sane ?> you need to know once it is effecting your life, other then visits and 2 days after which ever episode they just had for people to boil off their anger until then just think your door closes and your back in your normal healthy world with your family and normality
Thank heaven for this site. I have only recently realized that my mother is bipolar – undiagnosed and not properly medicated – and I have on one hand a sense relief that I have a name for this, and just as confounded as ever regarding how to deal with it. I am 39, and this began around the time I was 13 or 14. I won’t get into the details right now about her particular brand of mean and hostile, but she’s caused quite a bit of trauma in the last 25 years and it appears to be escalating. Termite’s post resonated with me, I have chosen not to have a family as I can’t imagine being in any sort of maternal relationship that wouldn’t drain me completely. And I don’t want to pass on this genetic illness.
I ran across the term “guilt conditioning” in a previous post and it sounds like something I have suffered from…horrible, debilitating guilt over things that are out of my hands. Is there any literature out there about this? I have found precious little in terms of resources for people in these toxic relationships. I have moved into a more resigned stage of acceptance, which is an improvement, but I really need help processing the anger, resentment and defensiveness. I dread holidays, I struggle with anxiety any time I have to interact with her, and lately she has been on some kind of mission to get a response and it’s all I can do not to lose it with her and say things I know I will regret. With the help of therapy some years ago I adopted a “do no harm” stance in that I will just grin and bear the time I have to spend with her, and not react or play into the emotional violence, thus not contributing fuel to her fire. However, she has reached a point lately where she just doesn’t want to back off and not saying anything is starting to feel like I am allowing her to victimize me again. It is obvious that her ranting and manipulation have nothing to do with me and that there is nothing I can do help, influence, solve, calm or change the situation. I can’t seem to separate the illness from the person and am flirting with sincere hatred towards my mother. I don’t want to feel that towards her.
I am exhausted from carrying around this burden and need some tools for dealing with the painful periods. Thankfully, my work requires me to be out of state most of the year, and I have a wonderful, supportive partner and a labrador mix that is the best therapy in the world. Pets are essential, I believe, in healing from all kinds of things.
Thank you for providing a space to share and get strength from the stories of others who understand.
Update: I have received three cards from my mother this past week (it was my birthday), and now have emotional whiplash.
The first one was just sort of catty, not that bad, but not nice at all and no way to really say “Happy Birthday!” to your daughter (unless you are mentally ill….see, I still have a hard time accepting this some days).
The second one came a few days later and cut me to the quick. It had a picture of her holding me as a baby and on the inside it said, “I choose to remember the good times with you.” And I was touched! I hadn’t gotten a nice letter from her in a long time. But when I closed the card, on the back she had written, “Because there haven’t been many since you’ve grown up.”
I had decided after that not to open any mail from her or a while, or let my partner screen all her letters. The third one was addressed from my dad but in her handwriting. He works a lot so I thought maybe she mailed his birthday card to me on his behalf. No, she wrote the card and it said, “You are loved! – Mom and Dad.” And it had a picture of my dad holding me when I was a baby.
Is it just me, or is this disturbing and manipulative on several levels? It has caused so much confusion, anger and pain that I couldn’t just stay silent.
I decided to just call her and have it out. I asked what I was supposed to make of this little Hallmark campaign from hell and she sincerely did not understand what was wrong. In the catty and cruel cards, she stated she was just being honest. And the last one she insisted was sweet, which would have been had it been the ONLY CARD, but as part of this hat trick of abuse, it was just crazy-making. I don’t know why I decided to finally break my silence and confront her, but I do feel a sense of calm having defended myself, however ineffective. I let her know that yes, it was inappropriate. She half-heartedly apologized and insisted, all wide-eyed and innocent, that she never intended to hurt me and no, she didn’t see how any of this could be taken as insensitive or upsetting. In fact, she has been defending herself from ME, as I would like to be “treated like an adult and (she) doesn’t even know what that means.” (Before today, I have talked to her on the phone only twice and very briefly since I went home for Mother’s Day, where in the restaurant I took her to for lunch and she caused a scene. She screamed at me after I told her she could not move in to my guest house, reminded me I am going to hell for being a lesbian, and shouted that I should just leave her there at the restaurant. Which I did.)
I’m sure this will invite more hate mail, but I have decided for every hateful letter I receive, I will make a donation in her name to PFLAG.
Don’t try to figure out why she sent those cards or what she was expecting. The intent was accomplished, she pushed a button and got a reaction from you.
Don’t try to get into the mind of a crazy person. It will frustrate you, and drive you crazy.
im glade I found this site and releaved that there is others like me that feel what I go threw, mentally, emotionally, psycologicly.
I also wish I could remove my parents from my life. I also like many on here went threw the emotional and physical and psycological abuse, the things I’d get beat for were just as little as not being able to find a lost shoe, that would blow her over the edge! she would put on steal toe boots before she would get ready to hit me what she would call a bathroom visit, so that once I was down on the ground she would kick me in the stomach and the back of my head being carfull not to bruse my face and when ever she accidetly did I was forced to lie chase me around the house by the age of 7 with butcher knifes threating to kill me and get away with it by pleading insanity, she actually admitted to me that she would hear voices and they would tell her to drown me in the bath tub when iwas a kid and the lists of abuse just goes on and on
but im glade im not a kid anymore because I remember I couldnt wait to grow up and get away from her, she too did meth and drank hevily, I rember as a kid in elementry bringing a friend home from school and she was so drunk she was trying to hold a conversation with him while throwing up all over the kitchen floor and counters. My dad really didnt say much he was alays out the house and was in hes own world all the time and left us three kids home alone with her and going to the store to do beer runs with her at the age of 6
As a kid I was suicidal I and my sister would talk about suffocating eachother with pillows I rember a time at the age of 8 and my sister 7 crying and begging me to kill her cuz she couldnt bring herself to do it to herself all because she could handle the abuse and me crying asking her well who is going to kill me?? I do remember holding my hands around her throat and she told me not to let go no matter what and after about 15 seconds when I started to see the panic in her little eyes I had to let go, it was to much for me to handle.
I moved out at age 14 the same day I threw my mother in jail for beating me in the face with her fist after she slammed me on a coffe table wich broke from under me, I had enough of the abuse and was old enough to call the police. Now at the age of 20 i had to move in with my parents because I was homless and in and out of random homless shelters and spening a few nights at friends houses and stuff.
I havent been with them no longer then 3 months and im already having the most intense anxiety and panic attacts wich I never experianced in my life, Im already getting threats about getting kicked out and i getting depressed about not finding a job and beeing broke because im used to having some type of money income and my mother isnt helping me out in anyway and with the economy down in california drives me crazy! Im thinking the army and glade I got to vent I actually feel a little better I got to tell my story because I dont tell people these things I choose to walk around with a smile and try not to let suituations in life get to me beacause one thing I do know is im mentally strong!!
That is good advice. Thank you. I have gotten some good insight on how to deal with the bipolar situation from your blog and other sources, and it seems a common theme that people ultimately just cut the person out of of their lives. This little card episode is really insignificant compared to previous attacks – reading my diary and sharing with family/friends (twice – both in my adult years, she’s no longer allowed in my home unsupervised), public meltdowns, physical abuse, hallucinations, etc. In spite of this history, I guess I have been in denial about it never getting better.
Wow, I’m so glad I stumbled on this blog. I’m 24 and my mother has been Bi Polar my whole life, though in my mind she has always just been a crazy, manipulative, conniving, drama queen who loves misery. I’ve read up on BPD but the symptoms never really seem to fit my mom, she’s not just manic and then depressed, she’s an awful person, loves to start drama and is not happy unless she can get me to scream and cry, she loves pushing me and testing my sanity, it’s like she wants me to be as crazy as she is. And when I decide it’s best to step back from her and i keep her at a distance, somehow miraculously! she is cured, and the sanest supportive person you’ve ever met, and that’s how she weasels her way back in. At first it’s okay, and I think “this could be it, we might actually have a stable relationship”. But before I know it she’s sucked me back into the drama.
She loves to play the victim (I honestly think she has Munchhausen and she’s definitely a hypochondriac, it took me years to realize she was not dying, and when I wouldn’t give her sympathy for her fake sickness she would threaten and/or feign suicide).
She loves to call me crying about all the supposedly terrible things that are going on with her, and how everyone is mistreating her (including not being invited to my sisters wedding- which is 100% her fault). But when I become exhausted with playing her therapist, and push back a little when I literally run out of sympathy (she drains every ounce I have), suddenly I’m the one mistreating her, and I’m “just like the rest of awful people in her life abusing her and she’s not going to stand for it”. What’s worse is she will then tell all of my relatives nasty things about about me, and will use ANYTHING I’ve said to her against me.
Anyway, my point was, I never realized this is just how some BP people act. They should list “being a miserable person” as a symptom in the medical books. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so torchored growing up, always trying to make sense of the irrational thoughts that spewed from my mother’s mouth.
It’s kind of liberating knowing that she is really is crazy, and I no longer need to try to rationalize her insanity. There’s just no reasoning with her. It may seem harsh but going forward I think I will simply pacify her, not really ever letting her in, never giving her anything she can use against me. Not caring and not getting emotionally invested is really the only way to prevent getting hurt by her over and over. It’s sad that I can’t trust my own mother or even confide in her, but that’s just the way it is I guess. She has the emotional maturity, social skills and impulse control of a child, then I will treat her like a child.
Hi Vita, sounds like we might have the same mother. There is a book entitled My Mother’s Bipolar, So What Am I? I hope this helps you. Christel
i’m 22, and though undiagnosed, i think my mum is bipolar.
my mum used to be a really caring mother when my parents marriage was still stable and intact for the first decade of their marriage.
when i was 12, my mum suspected my dad’s having an external affair, true enough, when i was 14, my mum managed to gather enough evidence(credit card bills) that my dad was committing adultery.
they nearly divorced, but didn’t for the sake of me.
my parents relationship drifted apart quickly, and till date, they still haven’t seen each other for about a decade.
my dad and i have maintained a healthy relationship, and i’m really close to him.
however for my mum, she has depression when i was 14, and i think till now, she still has it, and her depression worsens as her closest bro passed away years ago.
but i think now, my mum is bipolar, she keeps seeing my gf and i as my dad’s mistress and my dad(i resemble my dad a lot).
she stole a huge sum of money from me, and kept stealing my other stuffs.
she became really petty, and seems to bear grudges against everyone (including my grandma), and she blames everybody for everything.
and we always get into huge fights, and whenever she feels that the outcome of our fights are unfair(towards her), she would bottle up till she couldn’t hold it any longer and call me in the middle of the night (4am) to pick another fight with me.
now, i can’t be bothered to shout or argue back with her, because i know she’s looney up there.
she kept lamenting how bad my dad is, seriously, although my dad is unfaithful to her, but he fulfilled his responsibility as a loving father, bringing the dough back home and giving us a roof over our heads.
seriously, if its some other men committing adultery, some won’t even continue to provide for their own families.
and she’s never satisfied with what she has.
she doesn’t have to work, cos my dad’s providing for her, the bills are all covered by my dad.
her mental state is really driving my gf and i nuts, and sometimes i really wish i can just end it all by committing suicide, but thank goodness i don’t have the courage to do it, and i thought about my dad, my gf and my friends.
and to end it, dealing with her is like dealing with a moodswinging 3 yr old kid + 18 yr old teen + 53 yr old woman.
i really hope she could get better, but i highly doubt it.
thanks for reading my rant everybody, you guys aren’t alone.
lets continue to live our lives strong, and healthy.
Do these so called sick individuals ever show remorse???
My daughters experience with a bipolar middle aged mother has left our daughter in distress having to call off her wedding 2 month prior to the date.
We think that her family are using this sickness as an excuse for her recent actions and insults etc… why now can no one give my daughter and our family answers??? Why can we not call her and verbally abuse her as she did my daughter etc???
Her son is as spineless as the father, they all just say nothing!!
But I say she planned the whole set up as she said….”from day one … they refused to sit at the main table” which if only I had realised that she was telling our family that she did not accept us….
I pity her son…. at the age of 34 will he ever be able to marry…as we believe this has happened to him before and WE ARE ANGRY THAT HE HAS NOT BEEN TRUTHFULL TO US FROM THE BEGINNING!!
I’ve never heard a moderately sincere apology from my mother to anyone, let alone anything like remorse. That would require her to take some responsibility for her actions.
You could call and verbally abuse her as she did your daughter. You won’t because you’re sane – and that makes the difference.
Keep in mind that her husband and children have been conditioned (think brainwashed) for years. If you read this blog from the beginning, as well as a lot of the comments here, you might begin to understand why her son and husband are that way.
Just be glad that you encountered this problem two months before the wedding, instead of two months after.
You also might want to reconsider being angry at her son, since it is quite likely that he blocks out quite a bit. Not that I’m suggesting any kind of reconciliation, just maybe a little compassion from a safe distance.
They have tried to pick up the pieces and carry on thier relationship, praying that they can continue thier usual life style.
His family continue to send him sms messages of how proud they are of him and love him even more so now that the wedding is called off etc…and continue to manipulate him by threatening and forcing him to make a choice of material items orf his family
My daughter can no longer handle it as he has never as yet appologised to my family or even to her for his parents (mothers) behaviour!!
He claims he has done nothing to be sorry about as he did nothing out of line and still loves my daughter.
He goes on about my daughter calling off the wedding … not his parents!!
but how did he ever expect my daughter to be happy on her wedding day with all this drama with deadly weapons, insults etc.
She was a bundle of nerves before all this drama took place and asked us, her parents if she could get a court order against her future mother in law, preventing her from attending thier wedding etc….
I”m sorry but this is no way any future bride should be feeling or thinking…
“if she is not No 1 in his life…. He will never be good enough for her”
I say all of this is a blessing sent to us in disguise!!
First it was manic depression and then it was a chemical imbalance and then it was bipolar disorder. Now, she’s just kind of de-evolved into scary crazy lady. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s sad. It hasn’t been scary in quite a while, probably since the first time I wished she would die. Just die, be gone, away. I haven’t really been scared of her since I realized that I wish she would finally hurt herself enough that she would no longer BE. That way we could repair some of the damage she’s done to us instead of just constantly doing maintenance work to ensure we’re all still functional enough to look like there is nothing wrong. . . . .
Today was a bad day. . .
MY Bipolar Mother showed up to my house when I was out shopping. My husband called me to say he’s been dealing with it for the last 20 minutes. THAT makes me laugh! TRY 32 #$%^& YEARS! But I digress.
I get home to find my husband outside gardening, he immediately gives me the lowdown. “Your Mom’s inside. She came driving down the block honking her horn yelling EMERGENCY EMERGENCY. She’s bleeding and I tried to talk to her but she’s, you know your Mom. I tried to drive her home but she wouldn’t let me. I didn’t want her to drive and hurt someone. I’m sorry you rushed home, I just didn’t know what to do.”. God luv im!
My Mother is sitting on my inside steps battered and bruised (black eye, bleeding chin, HUMUNGOUS bump on the side of her cheek bone under her left eye) with my 2 kids. She’s just acting like nothing is wrong and this is your normal everyday Grandma kinda stuff. My kids are giving her tomatoes that we just picked from the garden and drawing her pictures. Now, usually I can handle my Mom. She doesn’t bother me anymore. But something about seeing her with me kids, who are the same ages apart from each other that my little brother and I are. It just TERRIFIED me. I don’t mean I was scared about what I saw but more I was scared PERIOD. Like, when I was 5 and my Mom would pull this same stuff but I couldn’t feel it because that would break me and now I’m 32 and I can feel it so HERE. IT. COMES!
Mommy
Terror
Basically I gave her the old “you don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here” routine. I offered to drive her home and then come back and drive her car to her house. It would seem to anyone who never grew up with a bipolar person like that was insensitive of me but, anything else allows her to hurt me. She would only lie to me about how she got hurt, she doesn’t actually want me to help her heal so why come to my house?
?
Ahhhhhh, it doesn’t even matter.
There is no one who can understand what this is like unless they have grown up with it.
I thought I was done being hurt by her.
I am hurt today.
I don’t like to admit it, even to myself, but when I see a car similar to Mom’s I get a cold sense of dread. It passes quickly, especially when I realize it isn’t her, but even so it is still there. Fear isn’t the right word, but I don’t know what is.
I can deal with her, and do what needs to be done, but it would still be easier dealing with a rabid dog. Part of it, I think, is that the rest of the world (those without bipolar relatives) just can’t imaging a good person dealing with their mother like that. Everyone knows that you put down rabid dogs.
As to why she went to your house, my guess would be for attention. She wanted people to care about her, and what was happening to her. Maybe even comfort her or show some love or compassion. Recognizing that, giving her anything emotionally similar would just lead to more attention seeking behavior. You did right.
“Recognizing her car” just totally hit home. I’ve done that for years since my mom abandoned me; I see the kind of car she had & it’s like it almost causes a mini-panic attack because part of me is thinking “oh God, what if she tracked me down to visit me so I can’t avoid her”. I hate it. I know it’s irrational but I can’t help it. Remembering her random crazy ideas, I wouldn’t be surprised if she showed up at my doorstep one day since I avoid all her emails & phonecalls. Therapy is slowing making things easier.
Christmas was extremely hard for me this year though, knowing my mom’s current situation (forced into a battered women’s shelter &/or living out of her car). One good memory I do have is how extravagant my mom tried to make holidays, she would completely overdo it but my child mind just loved it all (minus outbursts, arguments that ensued). Remembering this & knowing where she is now breaks my heart. I think this has triggered my depression a little deeper. But just reading this site has been so mind-blowing, in finally realizing I’m not alone. Hope everyone had a blessed holiday!
I am a grandmother of my son and his girlfriend daughter. She , I feel is abusive to my grandaughter, she takes medication for depression, but is always tired and complains about aches and pains all the time, and presently is taking more prescription drugs for hurting her elbo, Every meal time , she obsesses over my grandaughters eating, She says Eat your dinner, the other day at macdEonalds , she would not allow her to have a french fry, physically stopping her from picking up a french fry. The child is 4. 2 weeks before that , when I went to her house , she was sitting on a chair with the same clothes on from the day before, and telling me she had just had a 45 minute fight with my grandaugher who is 4, And she said my grandaugher bit her. I said nothing. I am at my wits end. I take them out because I want to be with my grandaughter to protect her when I can. When the baby was born she would stay out all night coming home at 3 the next day. I pay for ballet for my grandaugher, and it is Sat am, the first day of ballet , she had stayed out till 4 drinking, and had booze on her breath when I picked her up to take them. She seems angry at my grandaugher all the time, over nothing, and keeps saying she has to discipline her now before she becomes a teenager, The child has not gained weight in 6 months, I have her on Friday nights, and I keep her calm, and weight her every week. My son when I say anything , says it is his family. I at one time 2 years ago when she was raising her voice at my grandaugher at the table, said it is not pleasant to raise your voice at your daughter over meals. She flew into a rage, called me a mfsob, told me to leave her house, kept yelling at me. I am an educated woman, and work full time at the age of 64, this is killing me, I did call her doctor, and advise him she was smoking marijuans when the daughter was in bed, my son told me. She is 38, and at 18 she has a criminal record for physically hurting someone , as she had a black belt, and did community work as her punishement. I am afraid for my grandaughter. Her own mother I saw verbally mean to my grandaughter, If I say anything to my son, he tells me I will not be allowed to see my grandaughter. I could walk away, but I am bonded to her, and I feel so badly that she has to be yelled at constantly. She has been going to speech, since 2, , but I cannot imagine how a mother could fight with a child for 45 minutes. The child I do believe was afraid and protecting her self. I am thinking of going to a lawyer to obtain partial custody. I am not afraid of her, but I am afraid of what she will do to my grandaughter. She apparently is bipolar, but has had no help from any councelling. Her 40 year old sister just died from drugs. I feel that this person is taking drugs also, but my son is so quiet, and does all the grocery shopping and I would say cleaning. Her clothes are piled up in her room for 2 years. She puts dirty clothes on my grandaughter. I buy her nice things , she will not put them on her. I try to help her , she does not drive. and I take her and my grandaughter out at least 2 x a week and pay for everything. I feel it is value knowing that while my grandaughter is with me she will not die at least. I do not know if support will be on my side. or not if I go to authorites. I could not stand to see her go to a foster home. And the mother of this woman , has money for lawyers to support her daughter in any legal battles. Help
report her
After years of searching for a good book about growing up with a bipolar parent, I finally found this website today! I finally feel like I have place to go when I am feeling particularily helpless about having a bipolar mom. Every story I have read above sounds remarkably similar to my own experiences growing up.
I am 32, have a twin sister, and my bipolar mother “raised” us as a single parent. Our dad left us for the second, and final time, when we were about 8. I truly think he just got fed up wth her paranoia and crazy mood swings. So he left without a word “goodbye” to us and we barely saw him after that, leaving us to basically deal with our mom on our own.
Over the years, we were stuck watching and dealing with the following destructive behaviors:
– she only dated alcoholic, abusive men (while laughing at and making fun of any nice man who came her way),
-fight with her parents, and isolated us as children from the rest of our extended family
-talk extremely negatively about EVERYONE behind their backs
-get mad at us and everyone else in the extended family for no reason
-accuse us and other people of things we hadn’t done,
-clean the entire house loudly and violently in fits of rage while throwing and banging things around and screaming at us on a daily basis
-or, during depressive episodes, not leave her bedroom for days on end
-refusing to ever get to know about my sister and my lives/friends/school/sports
-refusing to show any kind of affection towards us from the age of 6 onward
-and she is a shopping addict and spends any money she gets immediately by going on ebay/craigslist/QVS/etc.
-when her mother died, she made her mom change her will (on her literal deathbed) to give her the house…(she was going to leave it to my sister and me to pay for college)…when she sold the house this year, she spent all the money ($125,000 at least) immediately, on a new jeep, a new boat, repairs on her boyfriend’s house, a golf cart. who does that?!?
-she hasn’t worked in the past 7 years or so, she has gotten disability for being “chronically depressed” and alimony from her ex-husband. but her main reason for not working, is some entitled belief of hers that she should “be taken care of” by everyone.
-she refused to help my sister and I pay for college, but claimed on her taxes she was paying for it to get the child education credits, then bought herself a hot tub with the money.
The worst was when she was married to her ex-husband (a raging alcoholic) for 8 years, and every single holiday for 8 years turned into a giant ,violent screaming and physical fight between the two of them that ruined the entire family’s holidays. She just doesn’t understand the destruction she has caused in multiple people’s lives. Mostly my sister and min, but also her brother’s and neice and nephew’s. We actually grew up and have very successful careers and lives now (far away from her), but we feel robbed of our childhood, too. We have both undergone therapy for anxiety issues and have learned that it is best to have VERY limited (if any) contact with her at all.
I sincerely am happy to have found this website, and I can certainly empathize with everyone here. It is a daily struggle to not be overwhelmed in anger every time I hear from my mom. She is the emotional equivalent of a child, and really has no clue how bad she was/is. The worst part is that she has never tried to get help for herself…she self-medicates with xanax and pain pills, but will not go to therapy or take mood stabilizers. My sister and I both have reached the point where we are just done with her. I hope the rest of you can find peace, I know how hard it is.
I find it funny your bipolar mom “raised” you too… Not being mean, it’s just the fact that I wouldnt have a college degree or never had a car or clothes or doctors visit or anything that involved any/financial responsibility without my (our : sister and I) father- yet my mother claims to have “raised” us…
It’s totally normal and sane to expect him alone to foot the entire cost of raising 2 bright kids, yet she managed to raise us… Somewhere in between the 3 day long knock-down drag-out fights fueled by booze and an unbridled hatred for all things related to my stepdad(‘s family) … And then the drunken sobbing on the sofa mumbling about how my father was such a great person and so respectable and so on… I think it has something to do with the fact he’s found a normal balance and moved on… And she’s stuck living in the past…
One recent lesson I’ve learned is that it’s very easy to get stuck living in the past and wondering how you couldve done things differently- that is if you’re the child of a bipolar parent. It’s easy to get stuck in your own depression and not understand why or how to get out. I’ve learned that if you’re still stuck in ether a personal depression or under the influence of a Bipolar parent; set small attainable goals directed towards the ultimate goal of freedom.
Anyway- just my 2 cents- best of luck!!
Johnnyboy, excellent point about not living in the past. My bipolar mom has been living in the past for the past 30-ish years. She can’t get over any, and I mean any, perceived wrong that anyone has dealt her. And I say “perceived” because she is just so paranoid that usually the accused person has not really done anything wrong. My dad left us, as I said when we were babies, and again when we were 8, (I am 32) and my mom still talks about it like it was yesterday. By having to walk on eggshells around my mom my entire life, I feel highly attuned to the emotions of everyone around me, some might call this being “overly sensitive.” But basically, my crazy detector is also very accurate.
But I digress, your point about children of bipolar parents having to be careful about not getting stuck in the past is right on the mark, in my opinion. It is extremely hard to not resent my parents, especially when I see how normal parents treat their children. It’s hard not to hold onto a lot of anger about everything I missed out on growing up. I need to get better at not living in the past myself.
I was re-reading some other people’s comments (it is so cathartic to read and write about this) and noted that one woman was getting married in August and had decided not to invite her bipolar mom “to avoid the drama.” I totally get it. I got married in June and didn’t invite my mom, either. It was, yet again, something about her that made me extremely angry. I had neither parent there that day…and try explaining that to other guests, co-workers, and in-laws about why my parents weren’t there. But I would rather explain away her absence than deal with her presence at major events.
I made the mistake of inviting my mom to my graduate school graduation,, and she made the entire trip all about her. She brought along a bipolar friend I didn’t even know (whom she had met on a website), and that acted weird the entire day. My grandfather (my mom’s dad) drove over 12 hours to come and offered to take us all to dinner, and she and her friend refused to go…then she almost didn’t come to my graduation ceremony (despite me giving 2 of 4 tickets to her and her friend), then she sat at my sister’s house afterwards, refusing to celebrate with any of us. It was a disaster. She was mad at someone for something, but wouldn’t say why or what she was mad about. Ugh. It was just so typical of her. She does that sort of thing at funerals/weddings/any big event, if she even attends them. I was a pallbearer in her grandmother’s funeral because my mom and her brothers refused to go or help (one of her brothers has major anxiety and the other is a drug addict)…and I was upset about having to be a pallbearer, yet the only thing my mom asked when I got back from the funeral was what everyone was saying about HER. Umm, no one even mentioned her, she just thinks everyone is always talking about her.
One of my exes just died unexpectedly 2 weeks ago, and when I told my mom, my mom just focused on HER sadness and how upset she was. In fact, she hasn’t asked how I am doing once, but she is finding my exes on facebook and emailing them asking how they are doing. Umm, hello… I just got married and don’t really need my mom digging up the past by emailing my exes!
I am sure many of you can relate. Sorry for the long note again.
Amy- thanks for your feedback… It’s wonderful to know I’m not going nuts and I’m NOT the ONLY one walking on eggshells being overly-sensitive to others. For the longest time I knew my personal/home life was different from that of my peers… For instance; my friends mothers were always kind and usually found me polite, respectful, and a good influence on their own kids- I’ve had many an insightful and intellectual conversation with moms 20-30 my elder. On the other hand, my mom would put usually put on her “normal” face during the rare occasions I would have a friend over. But she couldn’t help aggressively trying to chat with my guest beyond the point of pleasantries- stealing the limelight, if you will…. Being as shallow and judgmental as Ive come to expect, she would always have something negative to say about my peers- apparently everyone was “nice enough” but a bad influence. I managed to introduce 2 or 3 friends she approved of, that I began telling her I’d be hanging out at their houses, whether or not that was the truth.
Wow now I digress: my point is that at 24 yrs old, I almost feel as Ive had to relearn basic social skills due to my constant eggshell walking. Unlike my peers, I would default to looking at most things in a negative light and being overly judgemental- not to mention constantly fighting the urge to defend myself at every turn, as was ingrained from an early age. I began finding myself worrying about silly little things that most would simply forget about. It’s almost surreal- more often than not I find myself, as an adult, realizing I need to relearn certain social skills from a sane POV. I doubt most people could comprehend relearning these types of things.
Not all that long ago I felt like my little life was coming apart at the seams before it even got off the ground. The crappy economy certainly hasn’t helped, but I was on track (financially) to move away from “home” to share an apartment with my Girlfriend of 6 yrs and start our adult lives together. Then during one of The many blizzards this past winter, I managed to total my truck driving home late from work (loved that truck & it was all from my daily attempt to avoid contact with mommy dearest ). Then 2 weeks later after a couple glasses of wine during another blizzard and parked in front of my gf’s house, I managed to get charged with a dwi while smoking a cigarette in my vehicle, which served as shelter from the storm since I couldn’t smoke indoors(btw- completely bogus/super sketchy charge-still awaiting for discovery evidence from the prosecutor 6 mos later) —- all of this was just the beginning of a painfully slow spiraling depression. My oversensitivity to others opened the door for my previous employer to take absurd advantage of my irrational need to please my superiors regardless of the personal cost, and I worked myself into exhaustion physically and mentally. I walked away from that job and have yet to find substantial work even today… Finally 3 weeks ago it got to where I would sleep 1 or 2 full days at a time because I basically gave up trying to fix things and avoid my prior mistakes- and pretty much exhausted all savings since the job hunt is still currently hopeless. Then I read about “ruminating depression” or reliving past negative events over and over in the attempt of figuring out where it went wrong- which only sends that person further into depression. Reading this was like an epiphany – I basically snapped out of it then and there. It all finally made sense- the years of suppressed torment and insecurities based solely on the irrational verbal tirades and lashings from my own mother- the one person who everyone takes most seriously and has the greatest impact on most people. Sadly I also realized the better part of my last 15 years were wasted seeking approval from someone who simply can’t approve anything. Turns out my only mistake was not making my own mistakes- or living my own anything for that matter. Oh well- tomorrow’s another day and hopefully the weekly paper will have some promising job listings. Just gotta start all over again- all over again.
Sorry to rant on and on- it’s just a breath of fresh air to know I’m not alone anymore in all this. You’ve probably dealt with all this already in one form or another.
~hi everyone. i’m so happy i found this website… because just minutes ago i felt so alone.
~i’m 15, just one month ago i found that my mom had bipolar.. since i was born my mom always had mental problems. everybody talked about after-birth metal problems (i’m sorry i don’t know the word for this in english ^^;).
~i remember when i was 5 she got out of our house completely nude or just in underwear (can’t remember well) and that’s when my father took her to the hospital and she stayed there months.. then my father signed some papers and she came home. we moved to my grandma’s house so she could help us to take care of my mom.
~during my childhood my grandma took care of me, she was like my mother ^__^ . my parents fought really often.. because my mom didn’t work, and my dad worked so much to give our family everything.. but my mom would spend ALL THE MONEY IN STUPID THINGS! my parents fought physically, and almost always in front of me. it was really bad, i remember i would cry so much and beg them to stop…as i grew older i could see them fight but i didn’t even bother anymore, i wouldn’t even worry. and with time they also stopped fighting ( now my dad doesn’t spend so much time at home – he’s working all week away from home – and i think they just got tired of fighting.. ).
~my mom and i are always fighting…it’s so tiring. right now she is in maniac-phase,… it’s really sad to see her like this. i love my mom, i love her so much that’s exactly why.. i cry everyday because of this disease..i would love to have my mom as my best friend.. i’m 15 and i have no one to talk to, i have no friends, i’m a extremely shy, i feel like a loser…sometimes i just wish i had someone i could talk too, someone who could understand me. i have no one to help me with my shyness.. i’m always afraid people will laugh at me. sometimes i wonder if my shyness and my problems has to do with my mom disease… for example, when i’m in a group of people or classroom, or just with a person, i have a really hard time expressing my feelings or opinions.. when i’m with my mom and i want to talk and express my opinion she doesn’t pay attention to me, or ignore me.. so i feel like.. maybe it’s better shut up, my opinion doesn’t matter… when my mom is maniac she talks NON-STOP! it’s so tiring.. i get headache T.T she’s taking medication but i guess it’s not working?? … i don’t know i just need a friend!
~i still feel blessed somehow because i still have my two grandma’s that helped and still help me so much, and my father that right now must be working so hard, just to give me everything i need … it’s really sad, really sad.. i love my dad, i see he works so hard every week, he is getting old.. and MY FAMILY DOESN’T HAVE ANY SAVED MONEY ( i do have some money i started to save some months ago ) because if i didn’t no one would do that. i feel really sorry reading some stories here, i can see there is much worse situations then mine.
another thing that left me really sad, was reading that a lot of people here.. lost contact with their moms.. this makes me cry so hard T.T it’s so sad…! i just wish my mom could be HERSELF, SHE’S a wonderful person.. but the disease………. …
sorry for this huge text. i feel a little bit lighter now that i wrote it… even though i feel like “why am i writing this, will anybody read this, does my story matter” >.< ok but i did it.
:)kisses to everyone, and be patient ( i will try my best too)
Hi YanRan,
I’m Cheryl. My sister, Gina, read your profile and we are responding together right now. We know you love your mom. We love our mom also and we are older than you. This is something we’ve been dealing with a long, long time. You have many similar problems we had when we were younger and we felt and still feel a lot of the hurt, loss, pain, and wishing for a closer relationship with our mom. If you have any questions about how we are “trying” to deal with it, please let us know. Just know that “you” and everyone on this site are not alone. Just know there are things you can do, but first, is to NOT feel like you don’t matter. We our sure you are loved. It just feels like your mom and our mom consume ALL of the attention. Find someone to talk to, whether it be your Grandmas or Dad or counselor/social worker at school. Me and my sister have struggled for years and finally decided to get help through counseling. It does heal some pain and I guarantee someone will listen! Contact us if you need ANY advice or an ear to listen.
Thank you so much for replying 🙂 I’ll try to follow your advice~ and yes, i would like to know more about how you deal with your mom.. because, sometimes i wonder, if i should compliment her all the time or just say the true(when she’s maniac and her self-esteem is oh-so-high)…
I know exactly what you mean with the public thing even though im a lil firecracker im too social im intelligent even though i havent finished school but this month ive been starting to notice the extents I go to avoid confrontations anyone angry at all everyone says they dont hear me so during discussions that I know alot about or really good points and facts to add noone hears me i cant raise my voice i feel like im yelling so i just sufice to be unheard intil im spoken toand then i dont shut upbut i alwayds feel invisable…… ive also noticed im very careful with mannerisims and way to concernd about others and there feelings or opinions etc you know the im always the one to move outta the way when walking towards one another on the street, not looking people in the eyes as i walk down the street cause ive been good at making people mad so im so paronoid all the timemakes it kinda uncomfortable to try and mingle you say your shy may ask your interests maybe i can suggest things cause being a social butter fly i seem to have floated everywhere from tree huggin protester type person animal rights to bussinessie world to rocker to lil rapper to the grundge thing and the only reason i put it that ways is cause we all migraite towords people common with or selves which makes catagories of types of people vague but you will beable to see which direction or social setting to explore just saying though i know what it feels like to be shy to speak out and be the first to say hello to a stranger or someone youve seen everyday for a yr on the same bus but you still dont know there name
Johnnyboy, It sounds like we have a lot in common in terms of shared experiences with a bipolar mother. My twin and I got near-daily verbal lashings about how whatever we were supposed to do wasn’t good enough (usually chores around the house)…Our mother also rarely approved of any friends we had, and to this day she still doesn’t. Really, she doesn’t approve of anyone in her life most of the time, even the men she has married or dated. It is impossible for her to have a normal, healthy, happy adult relationship with anyone. Some of my friends or distant family members don’t realize this or the extent of her bipolar (I think she is mixed bipolar, and thus her normal state is angry, depressed, irrational, paranoid, and hypomanic all rolled up into one)…like I said in an earlier post, I didn’t invite her to my wedding this past summer, and it was tough trying to explain why to people who asked (in-laws/my boss).
It’s been tough growing up with very little guidance that we children of bipolar parents have. I haven’t as much dealt with depression, but have had anxiety from a very young age. I’ve finally gotten the help I need with a therapist and meditation. But I am convinced that it all stems from growing up in an emtionally labile, unpredictable, unsafe environment.
I really feel for you, Johnnyboy, and I have been in your spot in terms of relearning basic social skills that most people with healthy parents take for granted. In fact, my first several romantic relationships didn’t work out, because I honestly had never learned how to show affection for people. I had no clue. I had to learn that at age 20, among other things. Kudos to you for at least recognizing and bring introspective enough to realize your limits and what you might need help with. But I guess that is often what defines us (children of bipolar parents), we often can easily take blame for things…even if they aren’t our fault. Anyway, good luck with the job search. It is definitely a tough market. If you ever want to talk about it more, my email is thetanpecan@yahoo.com. Best wishes!
YanRan, It’s Gina I hope you do take my advise. I am 30 and just recently started to open up to people about my mother. Everyone has been very kind to me and I wish that I would have done it sooner. I have a couple questions for you…When you compliment you mother what do you say? Also when you ask weather or not you should tell her the truth what do you mean by that? What is it that you want to tell her? Please know that you are not alone! I just found this website a couple of weeks ago and it is so amazing to read to everyones stories. I feel like as I sit hear I’m reading my life story. One thing I’d like for you to know is that its clear to me from reading everyone’s experiences that bipolar people are very self centered, my mother included. It’s best for you not to fight for attention from your mother. Odds are she is always going to be wrapped up with her self instead of you. Maybe you can start to look for that attention from you father or one of you grandmothers. Always remember that your mother loves you and that she is just sick! I can relate to you on many levels. My parents fight often and my Dad struggles to support my mother. My Dad is getting old and in a lot of debt from my moms terrible spending habbits. Up until very recently I have been overwhelmed with fear for what might happen to them in the future. I have been seeing a counsler and she has taught me that I need to start putting myself first, instead of constanly worring about everyone else. I have been trying to do that and I feel much better about my situation since doing so. Try to stop holding the wieght of the world on you shoulders and do something nice for yourself! Let me know if you have any other questions. You are too young to let you mothers illness consume your life. Keep in touch! Love..Gina
Hello YanRan, It’s Gina. I hope that you do follow my advice because I am 30 and just started opening up to people about my mother and everyone has been so kind and understanding. I wish I would have done it a lot sooner! Not everyone will know what to say or how to give you advice on how to deal with you situaton but at least the people closest to you should know what you are going through. Its not good to hold stuff in. I have a couple of questions for you…What do you say to your mother when you compliment her? Also, you asked if you should tell her the truth…what is it that you want to tell her? If you could answer those questions for me I think I will be able to respond to your questions better. One thing I want for you to know is that you are not alone. I have also felt very alone at times but since finding this website a couple of weeks ago I don’t feel like I am the only on going through this terrible situation. As I sit hear and read everyone’s experiences I feel like I am reading my life story. You said that you feel like your mother doesnt pay attention to you, I have felt like that many times. One thing that you need to understand is that bipolar people are very self centered. This does not mean that your mother does not love you she is just a very sick person. My father also works himself to death to support my mother and is in a lot of debt because of her terrible spending habbits. I worry about them all the time, it can be very exausting. The best advice that I can give to you is to please start to take care of yourself! You remind me a lot of myself always worrying and trying to make things better for everyone else. The truth is things are probaly always going to be difficult for your family, all you can do for them is love them you can’t fix them. You should start doing things that make you happy, start worrying about yourself. I hope you take my advice! Please let me know if you have any questions or if i can help you in anyway! Take Care, Gina
Hey, Gina 🙂 So, answering your questions first~ What i meant was that, when my mom is in the maniac-phase her self-esteem is really high, so she keeps talking about our uncle that is rich, and how her family is all rich (we are not), and well..it doesn’t really matter because i found out that the best way is just say yes to everything..this way she just stays more calm 🙂 next week i’m going to the hospital with her, to an appointment with her doctor, and i’m going to talk with him, i’m sure he can help with her medication and give me some more advice. my mom keeps doing wrong things, this month she just rented a shop and she wants to sell clothes and stuff…i’m lucky i still have my dad and grandmother! I know what you mean by self-centered, you are right.. it’s just sad sometimes..because i somehow feel she doesn’t love me, but i know she does! Well, thank you for your support 🙂 Keep in touch~
I have started and stopped this reply four different times. Every sentence seems to come out all wrong. If I were to write raw, I may border on offensive. If there are those reading this that find me off putting, my apologies in advance. It is not my intent. The disease that has compromised my mother also consumes my younger sister. I know that all of those threaded through this website may understand and yet still be offended by my next few statements….I guess I need to get these words in an open forum, just an audience that has personal experience on the subject at hand.
I haven’t lived in the same timezone as my family in over 12 years. Despite the distance, I find myself taking slurring phone calls, texts designed to make me feel guilty, and angry voice mails in which I am reminded that the victims of bi-polar cannot help their behaviors. I sigh. Perhaps they are right. Of course, it is important to note that both my sister and mother, have spent years coping with addiction, both perscription pills and alcohol in addition to crippliing depression bouts and manic highs, leaving my mother in several notable relationships, and my sister making local papers for everything from indecent exposure to multiple DUIs. My mother seems to think it is a matter of magic chemistry. Get the right prescriptions and psychiatrist, and ta da. You’re manageably curable. This would be true except my mother has a 17 year trend of getting the right scripts and great doctors only to feel good, flush the pills, cancel the doctor’s appointments, and drink whiskey. Rinse. Repeat. At the darkest hours, I get calls from third parties explaining that she is in some hospital wanting to meet Jesus.
My younger sister (only by one year), has had an affinity for drugs since she was 15. Addicts, in themselves, are disappointing and reckless. Coupled with my sister’s bi-polar diagnosis, there are several moments that are ridiculously hard for others to relate, and I have been accused (perhaps righfully so) for being insenstive and rigid to the subject.
Most of my stories are told in bite size pieces because I don’t want to overwhelm my friends. In fact, I can only manage the disease in fragments. The gammet of emotions ranges from dark sarcastic humor to down right jealousy of those that have a place to visit for Christmas.
There are those of you that have overcome and managed relationships with those suffering. I applaud. There are those of you attempting to understand and manage to the disease. Again, my repsects are to you. There are, however, a few of us that really struggle compartmentalizing the disease. I do not have the shut off valve to recognize “Oh, it’s the addiction or the bi-polar talking.” I wish like hell I did.
Where has it left me? No contact. There is a shred of me that feels inadequate as there a real disease gripping the two, and I can’t cope. Either I am falsifying sympathy to talk them from something detrimental or I am behaving as myself, attempting to solve. That, in particular, is ill received. I am left feeling guilty for insensitvity and not understanding the disease.
If there is anyone out there that has words, an experience, or just a thought of validation that I am not completely heartless, it would be much appreciated. I am grateful for the opportunity to share, and I am sorry that we as strangers are brought together under such painful and personal experience.
Agree—you are not heartless. If people are judging you in any way for the way you react/treat your family, it is probably because they don’t understand your situation. It’s one of the burdens of having a bipolar parent, the risk of appearing heartless and cold, when really you are doing the healthiest thing you can possibly do for yourself. It is self-preservation.
I can not compartmentalize my mother’s illness, either. I can not separate her disease from her person, because the two are SO intertwined. I am 32 and have finally reached the point of no contact as a means of self-preservation and repair. My mother will never get the help she needs because she doesn’t believe there is anything wrong with her. It is always someone else’s fault. While I may always struggle with feelings of guilt for not wanting to be in contact with her, I think that is healthier than being around her or talking to her. Luckily, she lives several states away now (after her spur of the moment decision to move in with an old high school boyfriend 2 years ago). Any time I think I can have a normal relationship with my mom, she completely shatters that visage with a baseless accusation or paranoia or hatefulness. Time and time again. I am at the end of the road with her.
My sister and I are through bailing her out of her messes. I can not imaging also having a bipolar sibling. I think by all means, you need to protect yourself from them.
I wish you the best and hope that gave you some of the validation you need.
Hi im jessica. Im 16 years old. I have an older brther he just recently moved out because the fights my mom would start with us. Last night he did nothing to help.
So my mom was at work and it slipped out the washer broke. With little money my mom has she got upset. Thats understandable but when she came home she was in a good mood. Her toothache came and she took a few shots in tequilla for the pain. Eveything was going fine til my brother called about cleaning the basement for the man to come. I dont know his tone in this but i know what he said “where do i put the stuff” and my mom started screaming i dont know. She flipped out calling both of us ungrateful. I got up and went into my room cause i didnt wanna do this tonight. My mom keeps yelling at me and threw her remote at her ceeling fan causing glass to shatter all over her room. I was hiding behind my door. With my back against it. She charged at my door and it opened but then closed on her fingers because of the weight of my body. I didnt even know she was at my door. She might have broken her fingers. She grabbed a bottle of asprin and threatenes suicide ( she has threatened it many times before) she took a few. Idk how many then trhough the bottle at me and got up and left the house. She drove off while i was on the floor crying. I admit i was being sarcastic and back talking but not as bad as i usually do if its my fault but with this i didnt deserve it. I didnt do anything wrong. I call my ex in tears. I tried cleaning up most of the glass in her room cause i couldnt see it all. An hour passes and i was ready to call the police. She came home and started screaming. She went into her room and yelled bout glass in her foot.. she started to say she wishes she was dead how much she hates us and f*** you to me. i kept hiding in my room. She threatened suicide again and i told her one more time im calling the police. She stopped after that. I laid in bed and she kept making comments about.me and my brother. I ignored her with music. I cried the rest of the night. This morning i woke up with a fever so i said i cant go to school. She screamed lazy bitch at me and made me clean the rest of the glass again saying f*** you ect ect… these fights are usually this bad. But this.is the first she drove off. This is why my brother moved out but when i called crying and scared he did nothing to help.. what do i do in this fight when t happena again? She always threatens suicide and throws stuff. This time i didnt get slapped. But she ways has crazy eposodes and mood swings. Is she bi polar.?
I am a young mother. My daughter is 5 and I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 yrs ago. in the begining, it took a while to get the right med combination and i have been hospitalized twice.. all though my daughter only knows of once.. and i have not attempted suicide. I take my meds and truly i dont have anger issues on top of my illness. i am very consistant with my daughter. in my personal life.. education/ job i struggle more with consistancy. I am divorced and am trying to decide where my daughter should live… her dad is not the best place for her either… So i want to know, is it possible for me to raise my daughter in such a way that my bipolar will not affect her in an abusive way. obviously there will always be some trials… but if i can make sure that those trials are limmited… i wounder if i can raise my daughter with out my illness affecting her anymore than if i were only physically ill. this might be an idealized view, and i will make my desicion carefully, but i want some feed back… not feedback that is completely full of anger toward bipolar parents, but truly do any of you think that if your parents were diagnozed early in childhood and sought and attended treatment that their illness would not have been an abusive experience?
hey there anonymous,Id like to throw my opinion about this in here, about the living situation. as a mom my self who struggles with consistancy and moods,depression I personally think that everything has its level of sevarity. if you are high functioning NOT erratic or abussive I feel children should always be with the mom, unless you your self feel inadequate ( pardon my spelling) and feel genuinely shed be better off with her dad then that is for you to deside just make sure your Not making the discions on what if’s that never happen, you seem to actually care about her and her well being so until you start being selfish abusive verbally, physically,emotionaly and exposing your child to things you could really avoid then keep her with you but always make sure someone a friend your fam?> someone who knows you well enough that you wont rip a new one if there telling you your out of control and if you do slump in severe depression or go to the hospital make sure theres always a safe person she can go that wont interrupt her life and have a huge impact or devistation to her just know when your not putting her first but dont forget about you if your bi polar you will be for ever and she will have to learn about it and experience it its just the way it goes.. it is a part of you and your family be aware of your habbit’s triggers etc unfortunatley you do have to try that much harder the the usual person with that much more on your plate but one thing moms have is this unusual inner strength once youve desided or been put in a situation where you have no choice but to pull threw you will as long as you have ur babygirl in your site shes first and you make a concious effort to take care of your self . my moms been bipolar my whole life undiagnoised until she attempted suicide when i was 15 due to a break up with sum bf ………shes leveled she has her traits that piss me off but theres alot of damage done and unrepairable but no matter what I love her and I will be the one their for her but I have told her if i notice her moods are off cause sometimes she doesnt take them properly etc or desides to stop then in all she willl NOT be allowed in my sons life but until something happens im not going to take that away from him . if your daughter goes else where and its not reallly evident why it was cause more harm resentment and rebelious behavoirs all that you DO have a choice in do your best thats all you can do and when you know you cant make sure you pick the right person who will continue your level of care and keep her going straight in the right direction my biggest thing is that my mom is selfish everything comes before my self and my sister and our children it has been and always will be that way but shes come to just accept it and not work on it as i said everyone has a choice in life your incontrol of it 🙂 I ve started therepy recently im hopeing i can get my self to a point of calm emotionally healthy and a good romadel for my son in what he should have as a partner in late future but I have that fire under my ass to fix it my son has special needs and if i dont break the cycle imagine the buckets of s*** i would add to his already harder life but he makes me wantto be better im sure your babygirl does the same for you sorry kinda rambeld hope my opinion helps or doesnt afend either or lol until then take care nay:)
Hello. Growing up I had no idea what I was dealing with when it came to my family. I know my Mom yelled a lot and would go through these mood swings. Eventually she was hospitalized by Dad. Eventually, still not knowing what was really wrong with her, I ran away. I could not deal with the craziness. Of course I was brought back. I was a teenager. Eventually, though, I was given to the State and I worked hard to get out of foster care and became emancipated at 16 years of age. While I don’t recommend untreated bipolars (and later found my Dad to be untreated schizophrenia) to raise children, I really don’t recommend our foster care system. I have so many horrible memories. I didn’t talk to my Mom until late 2004, when my Dad committed suicide. After that, we went through a lot of things together, but I never did any real research on Bipolar. I have the jist of it, but it seems I need to learn so much more. Lately she has gone on several spending sprees and what appears to be attention seeking behavior. She’s on several medications and was told not to drive, yet she does. She has been hospitalized 3 times, this past month, for back pain and falling. She’s had her knees replaced and I am not sure if her behavior is a result of Bipolar or genuine and she needs to have therapy to get her legs working correctly. She had surgery several years ago but has not walked right since. I do not understand things. I am not looking for advice, per se, but if you have some good books I can get at the library or online reading, I am all ears. I need to learn more because my Grandma has already buried two of her children and I don’t want to lose my Mom. I want to deal with this, even though I feel like a prisoner. I never left my home state because of my Mom. I accept that things will never be normal but I want to help her live as long as possible. I think things went really far downhill after she lost Dad. Anyway, reading your blogs has put a little bit into perspective. I just want to learn more. Thank you for making this site.
I am a bipolar mom. If I had known as a teenager that I had this disease which makes stress very difficult (depression, mania) to handle I would not have had a child. The reasons would be not to pass on the disease and not to give my child less than a good childhood. In many ways I did well, I got a college education and a good professional job – but I paid dearly for the stress. My daughter won’t talk to me about exactly why but she has been very distant since she’s been on her own and now has cut me off. I wasn’t correctly diagnosed until my 50’s, not for lack of seeking help but it was after her childhood and the damage it did to her. I’m very conflicted because I ache for the pain I caused her but I didn’t get a choice to have some “acceptable” physical disease. And it is HELL to be depressed to the point of wanting to die, or burning yourself out with energy that just isn’t right. It’s a damn lonely disease and I’m afraid to be sad and I’m afraid to be happy in case it doesn’t stop there. It is not proven but studies show 1/2 of those with bipolar were abused as children. I can easily see that under stress a kid can’t resolve that the brain is damaged, particularly if sleep is disturbed.
I was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 53. When I was young I had lots of friends, was married and raised two children. I got really sick last year and that was when I was finally diagnosed. My husband and adult son and daughter pushed to get me treatment and it has been very successful-the medication works well. My husband of 33 years continues loyally at my side but I feel my adult son and daughter pulling away more and more. My heart is so broken and you are right it is so lonely. I now find it hard to stay employed. I am beginning to see why so many people with bipolar disorder commit suicide.They find themselves more and more isolated and they cannot stop it.Reading the blogs on this site people really seem to think their mothers had the power to stop what they were going through. No mention of a single good thing their mothers ever did for them. I can’t even get my head around what I read here.Oh well-I am getting on with my life too -I have a lot of life to live and a lot of goals to pursue. My son and daughter are free to do as they choose.
‘No mention of a single good thing their mothers ever did for them.’
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
3yrs going on strong my mom is suffering w/ bipolar& manic depr. I was raised by father she was to wild always partied n other men were to important than me. Im now 32 happily married got back in moms life @ the age 26? Her husband died unsudden never grieved, lost her home, job, car, family, whole life in general. 1 day she flipped out total 180* had her hospitalized 4x’s only $ was her inheritance i spent it all on hosp n her ciggarrettes & hotels, we live in WA ST. NO 1 & I MEAN NO 1 will help ='( state, family or friends, I AM OFFICIALLY DONE I WILL NOT TRY TO HELP HER she wont help herself i will finish payin her rent until the rest of her funds run out & then she will be homeless i have bo choice for 3 yrs ive tried its time to concentrate on my kids & my husband am I wrong? Is this abbondonment? Is it sad to say I dont care anymore? I just am out of energy ='(
Livnnmomzbipolorshadow, You’ve done what you can. If there’s anything I’ve learned it’s that if you don’t keep your distance at times and take “breaks”, if you decide to have any contact at all, it can end up actually driving you crazy too. I too have recently decided I’m done with my mother. She has social workers, therapists, doctors, and frequents the ER and calls the police to get her negative attention. i’m not going to enable or encourage her behavior anymore. Starting to feel the rocks fall off my shoulders and each week gets a lil better. I know I can’t ignore her for the rest of my life as there will be somethings that have to be dealt with down the road but until then-i’m out. My kids’ safety comes first and so does the health & well-being of my family. It took a long time for me to be able to get to this place and say this “outloud”. I too understand about all the energy just being drained right out of you. You are not abandoning your mother-if you focus on only her and let it consume you, you’ll be abandoning yourself and that’s not healthy for you. It’s also not sad to say you don’t care anymore. Really, I mean it. I have cut my mom out of my life less than 2 weeks ago and each day is another chance for healing. In order to heal you need to be healthy. It helps me to think of it like this-i do love my mother but I do it from a distance. I won’t get close to that fire again because every time, no matter what-i get burned. It’s sad at times, yes, very sad, but you have to do what’s healthy for yourself too. It may sound harsh to someone who’s never dealt with bipolar and episodes and mania and cycling, and all the ups and downs and emotional roller coaster rides, hospital visits, delusions, police drama, but they just don’t understand what we go through-that’s all. Much love and I pray for blessings and miracles to come your way.
I am a 49 year-old daughter of a bi-polar single mother. I just celebrated my 25th wedding anniversary and have raised two children, a son who just turned 21 and a daughter who just turned 19.. I have done my best to be a loving mother and have tried to raise strong, independent children who will pursue the talents they are gifted in in life. And I have been fortunate to be married to a husband who was raised by stoic (non-bi-polar, as far as we know) parents, so his lack of emotionalism and sense of humor have been a life-saver for me and my children.
Like many of you, I have had to completely shield my family from the manipulation and irrationality that I grew up with with my single mother. And I still struggle with the guilt of that, eventhough, life was a literal hell for me as an only child and I frankly feel it was due to the grace of God that I survived the crazy childhood I had and am a high-functioning, productive member of society!
However, as an adult child, I still struggle with a lack of self-worth, feelings of abandonment, and these struggles have haunted me and stifled my career growth. I am an intelligent, hard-working person, but also very untrusting and find it difficult to create friendships at work and in general. I’ve sought counseling regarding this, but the stigma and guilt still haunts me, and I fear it always will.
I did not read through every single post on this site, but every one I did read resonated loud and clear with me. We’re not alone, but what do we do???
Hi just have a family crisis here need some advice my partner and I live with my partners mum and sister and her boyfriend. At the moment me my partner and daughter
are away on a working holiday at the moment my partners mother and sister are at home stil living together they are fighting my partners sister is saying her mum is gettin unwell again with bipolar disorder. And she thinks her mum has tricked the whole family into thinking she is sick and not my partners mum. Very confusing I think my partners mum
is on the verge of being unwell how can I get her help? She has had a few stages of being unwell we have helped her through it before and last time they nearly didn’t admit her because
she went in there and said she was
fine and they believed her so do u think my mother inlaw is sick or my sister inlaw ;-(
Hi everyone, I am 34, and just like most of you, my mother is bipolar. Spending all these years with her was like being stuck in a spider web. I often compare her to a spider sucking the life out of me and living with her was like living in a prison. Not a happy time, I’m afraid!
In my eyes, she is extremely self-centred, very possessive and highly manipulative. Just like yours, she enjoys drama. The only thing she can talk about is herself and her “problems” (She makes up stories sometimes when she wants me to pity her). I just want a quiet, peaceful and happy life. But with her, this is not possible. That is why I decided to move on without her.
All I can say is that there had been too many events and when you pull the rope too hard, it breaks.
Here is a short list of what we had to put up with. In the end, it tore the family apart:
• Verbal and physical abuse. My dad was her main target, but we got some too.
• Threat of killing us often with a knife or a machete in her hand. She would stab the wall or the settee. When my dad left us, we had no one to protect us and we called the police. She got locked up in a psychiatric hospital on Christmas Eve. The scariest part of it was the look in her eyes. She was enjoying it and we were scared to death. My sister ended up in foster care and I suffered from post-traumatic stress for several months after that. I was 25 at the time, Jess was 16. I was studying in the UK and I was visiting to celebrate Christmas. I lost the Christmas spirit after this incident.
• Suicide blackmail which she carried out (a few times during my exams, I was the target, but I never failed, and of course on numerous occasions later on in life).
• Suicide attempts with all the drama. One day my dad picked her up from hospital, she refused to go with him and started running in the hospital with her knickers on and nothing else. She also bit a nurse and was very proud of it.
• She smashed my car with a brick and ended up in court for it.
• She stole money from my bank account. At the bank, they thought I was ok with it. After a few months, I realised I was not getting my statements any more, and I went to the bank. She was hiding them from me and of course, she was helping herself every month. I could have made a fuss about it, but my dad advised me no to because she would make my life even worse than it was. I was 19 at the time and still living with my parents. After this, it was not possible to withdraw money without showing an ID. My mum changed bank, and swore she would make my life a living hell because of the humiliation I put her through. I left the house.
• Begging for money. She made me believe she was in need and that she had no food. I helped her out on several occasions. I was still a penniless student then, but I did the shopping for her and gave her some money. It dragged on for a few years until that day when I found out that she had at least €260,000 sleeping in her main account. A few months later, she bought herself a boat she never used and gave her partner a new car. I told myself that I would never give her any cash after this.
• Begging and harassing for money (which she probably does not need). As I said, I was no longer keen to give her any cash, but to get some she decided that she would harass me on the phone. I was 3-4 months pregnant when she gave it a go and, of course, she was fully aware of my pregnancy. The phone did not stop ringing from very early in the morning until late at night, all day long, for money. After 10 days, I gave in and arranged a transfer from my account to hers. But the calling did not stop. It was driving me crazy. I ended up changing my phone number and I never spoke to her again after that. Will she ever get a chance to meet my daughter? I do not think so…
I am so angry with her for not being a mother to me. I do not see why I would be a daughter to her.
Good day!
I stumbled across this blog in my quest for a greater understanding (comfort?) around living with a bi-polar mother. I am so amazed by the comments posted on here, all of these scenarios are so familiar it’s shocking.
I have lived under a veil of sadness and shame throughout my teens and into my 20’s (I’m 25 now) and I have been stuck on this hellish roller coaster ride up until a few months ago. After enduring earth shattering experiences, consistently, for ten years, I had finally had enough of my mother’s behaviour. She is an alcoholic bi-polar who refuses to believe that she has any problems at all. She has nearly drunk herself to death many times over the last few years as my sister and I begged, cajoled, whined, shouted, negotiated and essentially threw ourselves against a brick wall – but to no avail. She never changed, never got help and remains permanently on death’s door.
The breaking point came after a few ‘good’ months (lack of depression, seemingly ‘normal’ behaviour and ability to hold down a job) she went completely off-your-rocker crazy. Literally overnight she changed from a functioning kindly person to a deluded violent maniac. The shock was astounding. My sister and I were kicked out of the house for not doing the dishes, she threatened to assault us with a hockey stick and said ‘I should have put arsenic in your food years ago’ Incredibly shocking, incredibly sudden and unexpected as we thought she’d found the right combo of meds, but oh how wrong we were.
A few days later in a manic drunken stupor she was affronted by neighborhood security guards as she was blasting music from her car from 6pm to well past midnight, she violently attacked them. My neighbor got involved, she attacked him too and tried to run him over in her car. Assault charges were lain and she was arrested. We refused to pay the bail as everyone was terrified of her, myself included.
I tried to piece my life together as best I could but now she is out, free and a dangerous self destructive loose cannon. She recently traveled to the coast and bought a car cash. Mania is on an all time high and she thinks that she has unlimited paid leave from her employers. She is psychotic, manic, dangerous and drunk most of the time.
I’m trying to deal with feelings of guilt about ‘abandoning’ her, but her self destructive ways are getting too much. Do these horrid feelings of guilt, shame and anxiousness fade over time? What will happen if she’s dies.
I’m so scared and so sad.
Thanks for a great place to vent.
X
Lucy,
First, I am sorry to hear about your experiences. I know how difficult it is to experience getting your hopes up (by seemingly “normal” behavior for a bit) only to have those hopes shattered by immediate bizarre/manic/mean/etc. behavior. I posted a few times in September about my experiences with my bipolar mother, and talked a little about my recent decision to cut her out of my life. It’s only been about two months for me, and I struggle with guilt every day. She was a single mom who raised us and all, but living with her was horrendous and one-sided for our entire lives. With the holidays approaching, it is even more sad (despite the fact that she ruined every holiday for us for many years by self-medicating with pills and/or threatening suicide and fighting with her husband)…
Further, I have only told a select few people about my decision to leave my mom out of my life, but only my partner and sister understand and believe in that decision. It’s hard to feel judged by people (even if they don’t understand the situation) for making such a difficult decision, and you can risk appearing ungrateful, spoiled, or stubborn. But in the end, when I go to bed at night, I at least feel like I am back in control of my life. You can’t control what your mom does, but you CAN control how you react to it. Or if you will even react to it. If your mom is anything like mine, you have been left feeling powerless over her often psychotic, paranoid, hurtful actions. And the best thing you can do is to stop subjecting yourself to her unpredictable whims.
I wish I could say the guilt and sadness gets easier. Maybe in time, it does.
I also worry about what will happen if/when my mom dies. Our extended family has buried their heads in the sand about her mental illness, they choose to stay out of it. So I am sure my sister and I look like the big a-holes for not talking to her anymore. I guess we need to not worry about what everyone else thinks so much.
Best of luck to you.
Best site ever. I’ve read through most of the posts here and can relate to all of them in at least some aspect. This is amazing to me. Things I’ve never been able to put into words before are all in your posts. Thank you so much for this. I’m gearing up to write my own experiences with this disease and as I’m fighting back tears, I believe this place to come together and vent and share our experiences will serve us well. I’ve been at my wits end lately in dealing with my mother and it’s been very, very stressful and unhealthy not to mention unfair to my 4 & 1 year old and my marriage. I am in awe of everyone’s words and will maybe even sleep easier tonight knowing I now have a place to come and connect with others like me. This is the first time I’ve felt validity EVER when it comes to this situation in my life. Having a bi-polar mother hasn’t been a picnic to put it lightly. I’ll share more when I work up the nerve & courage to do so. I’m so glad you are all here, too bad it’s under these circumstances though.
I would love to see a forum open here for people to come together and share. I find so much comfort from this website.
I am a 31 year old woman with a 3 year old little girl, a baby on the way and i have a bi-polar mother. I should also mention that I am adopted and that 7 months ago my family (mom, my younger brother, and myself) lost the glue that held us together. My dad. For years it has been some very strong lines of favortism in the house I grew up in. My mom outright favored my younger brother and has even gone as far as to admit that she loves him more. I always knew that my mom had manic depression but did not realize that meant that she was bi-polar.
When she was originally diagnosed I was 13 and was told that mom has depression but did not grow up in a home where things like disease were discussed. I have recently booked my first session with a counsellor to talk about the issues that I have with my mother both past and present.
I would be interested to know if other people felt like they were also the “outlet for their mother’s crazy”, as a kid I have memories of her ripping the head off of my favorite doll or smashing a plate on the floor and screaming “look at what you made me do” after my brother colored all over the wall. As an adult I have found that she has had to manipulate or hurt me in different ways. After my father passed away from a lengthy battle with Cancer, I planned the entire funeral and the evening of his funeral my mother got drunk and slapped me accross the face for no apparant reason, then phoned me the next morning as if nothing had happened. Or – she offered to sell myself and my husband her truck and then three weeks later informed me that she had placed it into the paper. There never seems to be any remorse for her actions, she expects me to just “get over it” – to coin her phrase. Now that I am a mom and starting to come to terms with the years of what I deem to be physical and emotional abuse I just don’t know what to do about her. I told her 7 months ago that I was done with the phoning me and yelling at me and then hanging up on me among other things. I told her that if she did that again that I was done. This past Friday she phoned me at work, yelled at me and hung up. I haven’t spoken to her since and her birthday is this coming weekend. I feel torn. On one hand I know I am not responsible for her actions but on the other I question if she is responsible for her actions. I also feel unbelievably angry because growing up and now into adulthood she continues to focus all of this negativity on me… her daughter who has a full time career, a part time student, in her third trimester of pregnancy and has a toddler at home.. yet my brother who is a couple years younger than I am has no goals in life and I believe he has a problem with alcohol.. him.. well he gets celebrated and put up onto a pedastal..
Do other mother’s with bi-polar disease focus all of their negativity on just one child or just one source? Do I call my mom on her birthday?
My mother was always extremely jealous of any achievements or accomplishments I made. I think it made her feel insecure because the attention was off her for a few seconds. Reading your story reminded me of that. Sounds like it may be related to that in someway maybe?
Thank you for your comment- after almost a year in counselling I am proud to say that I set up extreme boundaries with my mother. Those boundaries have allowed me to have the strength to change the face of our relationship. I am no longer her personal emotional punching bag. I now have two daughters, they maybe see their grandmother five times a year, but that is more than enough. This site helped me to find the strength to get professional help, and to build the self confidence that I needed to change my reactions to my mother. I can look back now on my original blog post, and know that the person I was, the person confused by my mothers actions was not at fault, and find peace in knowing that her problems are hers and not mine. Throughout this journey I’ve been judged and questioned by many people that felt like I was disowning my mother. What I did was for my families health and happiness and if I had it to do over again I wouldn’t try to change anything.
It’s good to hear that you have found some peace with your situation. You words give us all hope that we will eventually find our own peace. After the death of our mothers, hopefully we can look back with compassion and know that they were sick, but also know that removing ourselves from the situation is what our mothers would have wanted for us if they were healthy. People who think you should continue an abusive relationship just because the relationship is with your mother are just as wrong (idiotic?) as people who think battered wives should stay in abusive relationships for the sake of their children.
@ Nicole: your mother is no mother to you. So why would you bother with her birthday? I do not call mine on her birthday. I do not call her on Mother’s day, and she does not hear from me on Christmas day either. You have your own family now. A piece of advice, move on without your mum and think of how great the future can be without her madness. The only person who can help her is herself and she is not making any effort, so why would you?
I feel so much relief knowing I’m not alone in dealing with bipolar disorder. My mother has it. I can’t even begin to go back to childhood yet so let’s just start with today. I have soo much anxiousness and I know it stems from her. I know I’m stronger and a fighter because of what I’ve endured but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. I am 34 now, married 2 years ago and have a 4 yr old & 1 yr old. They deserve the best childhood. Infact, that is my goal everyday-to give them unconditional love and make sure they know how much I love them-no matter what. That’s not to say they can just get away with anything-but my daughter will never be called a whore by me or stupid or a bitch or anything of the sort. I pray everyday-multiple times a day-to do the exact opposite of what my mother did to me and for me to be able to be a good mother and show my children by example what it’s like to have a stable & healthy family life. It’s the #1 important thing in my life. My life has changed so much since kids & marriage and a house. It’s taken decades but I am finally starting to realize how blessed I am to have these kids, my marriage and a house. My babies mean the world to me and I’ll be damned if I let my mother hurt them like she did me and my siblings. Today, there was a knock on my door. It was the police. They asked if I knew who so&so was-I said yes-she’s my mother. She lives an hour away. She called the police and told them I was on the computer and was ignoring my children. She sent me text after text saying every mean and hateful, spiteful thing she could think of. She’s called the police on me so many times I am used to it now. The only thing about that that has changed is when I was a teenager the police always believed HER. Now the tables are turning and it is being brought to light the person she really is with this disease. She used to be really good at putting on a front for police, doctors, etc….but not anymore. Back to the police, I invited the officer in and he said with a chuckle-“sooo you’re not on the computer ignoring the kids?” He said the message was barely coherent, asked where she lived and apologized for bothering us. I apologized for her bothering him. He said we need to go to family court & have her declared incompetent-however, we just don’t have the money right now. Just in the last few months I’ve been able to talk to her dr, social worker, psychiatrist, etc…and they all said the same thing-so what r u sup 2 do if u don’t have the $? Anyways, she’s threatened to call CPS in her text – she does this often-now, I’m pretty sure they’ll be here next week sometime because she’s on a manic rage episode. Everybody else has left her-I was trying to at least make sure she was safe out of honor to my passed away grandparents and God. I moved out when I was 17 and finished my last yr of h.s. on my own in my own apartment. I wanted nothing to do with her anymore and escaped any way I could. That was my out. Well, if it hadn’t been for my 2 younger brother & sister I would’ve completely written her off then-but I knew I couldn’t leave them in that environment. So I would get them on the weekends and “pretend” to be on good terms with my mother so I could take them away from that situation-if even for a day or two on the weekends-but I was young and didn’t know how else to help them and did the best I could. Now, I am just done and to the point where I don’t want anymore interaction with her period. I don’t want her around my kids, my marriage, our house-nothing. She constantly asks to move in with us & at first it was hard to say no but now I just tell her I can’t have biploar disorder around my kids. I won’t do that to them. I’m trying to break the cycle. To do so, I think I will have to stop all contact with her because if you give her an inch she’ll take 100 miles. She too has no savings and is on disability for bipolar and other minor medical things-but she’s ALWAYS dying or something wrong and calling 911 in & out of the hospital. Sooo much drama that it’s literally been driving me crazy and hurting my health. I’ve gained 30lbs-feel terrible about myself now, dug into my arm so bad with my nails just as a nervous habit/outlet thing-didn’t even realize i was doing it and the next day woke up with what looked like 1000 cuts from small pieces of glass or something all over my arm. It’s been two months and it’s still there and still looks awful-better-but still awful. My son had a dr appt and they seen my arm and gave me an appt on the spot cuz they thought it was infected….i tried to explain to them about my mother but it’s hard to tell everything in one short visit or even one blog post. I should mention Adult Protective Services is now going for guardianship of her. They were all trying to push me to do it and it just became too much. So much more to say but I know I’ve gone on & on-it’s just that I’ve never heard anyone else talk about this and it’s the first time I’ve not felt alone. I’ve had several panic attacks and had to go on anxiety medication while dealing with my mother-oh, she also was diagnosed with a brain tumor several months ago. They said it’s putting pressure on the part of the brain responsible for decision-making & emotions. Ha! As if that was needed. Please, somebody, anybody, respond and tell me I’m not crazy!
You are not crazy at all. You’ve had enough. You did what you could at your level, just like I did. Sadly, that was not enough and it will never be. I had a bit of councelling / psychotherapy about my mother. Talking is good. You need to empty your bag, there’s quite a bit of weight on your shoulder at the moment and it is not healthy for you.
You are not like your mother. You have too much awarness to do the same to your own children. Do not doubt of yourself. You will never treat your children the way she treated you because you are too different from her. Quite frankly, if you were bipolar like your mum, you would have developped it by now with depressive and manic moods.
But, I do believe that the illness can be kept under control with: medication, psychotherapy, strict lifestyle (no alcool, no drug, no coffee, no tea, no chocolate, healthy diet, low stress environment, waking up and going to bed at the same time, a bit of sport) and mood monitoring. You can be a very good and loving mother even with bipolar disorder, but you have to get on top of it first. You can be trained to control it and there will always be someone to help you with it. Either way, you can still be an excellent mother.
I think you need to focus on yourself more and forget about your crazy mum. Do some sports, join a club, have some hobbies, do some fun stuff and meet people. You need some happy time for yourself.
PS: change your phone number and cut ties, you need a break.
Megzo
Thank you Megzo! Means a lot.
Honestly, I feel like you and I need to talk. I’m 33 with a bipolar mom. I am married and have an infant at home. I have so much anger inside me that I struggle to get through conversations with any of my immediate relatives. The turmoil is constant and I’m just tired of the neverending ups and downs. Email me anytime at janetdover at gmail dot com.
Thanks! Sadly, I just now read this message. I will email you tomorrow or early next week while one of my kiddos is at school and husband’s at work so I can actually concentrate. 😉
Hi everyone thank you for your comments… it’s so refreshing to ‘speak’ openly about this. A lot of your comments resounding with me and expressed feelings within me which I admittedly haven’t expressed in a healthy way to date. My mother is bipolar and, as eldest daughter as soon as I could talk I became her confident, therapist, carer and slave. My father is a workaholic otherwise I really believe they would be separated. After hospitalization she was told not to have any more children but she did so and has blamed my dad ever since. Us, the products of this poor decision have grown up with a yoyo environment of resentment and sickening displays of affection, of her being in hospital then smothering us. There was no consistency. I tried my best to protect the younger children and I take comfort in the fact that they appear to have a healthier relationship with her.
I’ve read about abandonment issues online and was wondering if anyone could perhaps shed more light on this. I do recall believing if I acted this way or that way then my mum wouldn’t go to hospital or my dad wouldn’t go to work and leave me with her. I would like to more fully understand the impact her behavior has had on me so I can now as an adult equip myself for a better future.
I would like info on how to help a 3-year old whose mother is bipolar and alcoholic. I’m the great-grandmother and have taken care of the boy most of his life. His mother was diagnosed three weeks ago.
You are helping him by looking after him. He is too young to understand what is going on with his mum. Keep looking after him for as long as you can. But, you will need someone to take over you at some point… I hope another relative will volunteer. I do not think his mother is an option.
I am a 22 year old university student and along with my family I have been living with a mother with severe untreated bipolar disorder for 8 years. In the beginning, it was difficult for us to understand what was happening to her, the mood swings and changes in behavior. In the early stages she was conscious of her behavior and she attributed it to menopause. My family accepted this explanation for a while, however, it quickly became clear that something more serious was going on with her. Over time began cutting off contact with her family members, first her mother and sister, then her father and other sister and lastly her brother. To this day she has contact with no one in her intimidate family– parents, siblings or their spouses– and has cut off contact with her married step children. The names of these estranged family members are not allowed to be spoken in my family’s household and the rest my family’s contact with them needs to be conducted in secret. After a number of many dealings with the police, Children’s Aid Society and Family and Children’s Services (I live in Canada) all of which were fairly useless in providing any kind of resources or support, she was finally diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder three years ago. As she has always rejected the fact that anything is wrong with her and instead blamed others for her behavior, the circumstances surrounding her getting the diagnosis were not exactly positive. She was arrested in February of 2008 for domestic assault on my father in front of my 12 year old brother and I. I was the one forced to call the police after the a (one sided) argument escalated out of control and resulted in my mother throwing a plate at my 68 year old father, threatening to stab him and finally pushing and pinning him to the ground while she attempted to choke him. When the police arrived she was aggressive and verbally abusive towards the policemen and slammed her bedroom door on one officer as he was attempting to walk through it. After her arrest, she was released on bail and there was a restraining order issued against her for the protection of my father. The conditions of the charges against her being dropped were that she undergo a psychiatric assessment subsequently receive treatment for Bipolar Disorder and abstain from alcohol consumption for a period of 18 months. She upheld none of these conditions. As soon as she was permitted to return home by my father, who was under intense pressure from her as a result of the charges and also was under the impression that “the problem had been solved”, she began drinking again (the very day she returned home) and no one is sure if she ever took the medication she was prescribed as there was no follow up counselling or monitoring of any kind included in the court order. My father having been the one who suffered the brunt of her anger at the charges and the “inconvenience” of it all never bothered to alert anyone to the fact that she was drinking again and was unmediated. It was very difficult for me to reconcile with his choices in that matter. He does not like conflict or “stirring up the pot”. However, he was also, ironically, the one who was left paying her legal bills. From that time until now my mother has refused help or treatment of any kind, and is still using alcohol to self medicate. She still refuses to admit that she has a problem and still blames others. She has no contact with any family and few friends left. I have tried to help her in every way that I know how, from gentle conversations in some of her more lucid moments, to tough love, to screaming, crying begging her to get help. Nothing has worked and my extended family has told me that I should be prepared for the fact that she may never be willing to accept help and that she may never get better. I am at a loss. Deep down I love my mother and wish nothing more than for her to one day get better. To be able to have a conversation with her again. Going through my teenage years essentially without a mother was devastating and even now I still long for the simple things that my friends do with their mothers, going for coffee, going to a movie, going shopping together, and I do hope that maybe, someday, I will be able to do those things with her agian. I want my mommy back. I am interested in hearing other people’s experiences with bipolar family members and any resources that they would be willing to share with me that could be of help. As hard as things are, I don’t want to give up on her. Not yet.
Hi Casey, your story, I know it too well. I have been there. Unlike you, I lost hope. Afetr 17 years of drama, I eventually gave up. What surprises me, though, is the fact that her symptoms showed up very late.
Thanks, I’ll stay in contact.
I too can relate to almost everything in your story. My mom is a loss & I have very recently given up contact with her. She’s still texting and calling me but I am choosing not to respond anymore. I feel a lot more peace and a lot less anxiety and I think I was even a little happy today. I’ve felt guilty too long and have a husband and two kids now and I am taking a stand & saying I won’t be bullied or guilt-tripped any longer. I only found this site recently and until now never knew there were others out there like me. I’ve read your stories with tears streaming down my face just out of pure relief of knowing I’m not the only one and I’m not alone. Neither are you Casey. We’re all here for you and although it’s true not everyone will want help or desire to change-it’s never their fault you know-I still pray for a miracle for my mom everyday because that’s exactly what’s needed and what it would be. I’ll add your mom to my prayers from now on too. At 22 it’s heart-breaking to hear you speak of such serious situations and challenges. If anything, I have come to believe that us children of bipolar parents, or any family member or friend affected, are some of the strongest people in this world and therefore will persevere in the end if not the present. I hope this helps someone. It was heavy on my heart tonight.
Thank you for all being so open. Im 21 and getting married in a week. With A bipolar mom you can imagine the pain and heaviness that is plguing me about my special day.
My whole life I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought I deserved the yelling and abuse. I dont think that anymore. I still love my mom but now know to keep a healthy distance to protect the little happy life ive carved out for myself.
Here is my problem. Being raised by a bipolar mom means I have some odd quirks and inconsistncies. I forget to do things on a regular basis because nothing in my life has ever been routine or consistent. I often dont listen to instructions because there are learned fail safes in my brain that when I hear a certain tone or inflection I stop listening.
These quirks affect my new life and Im wondering if anyone else is dealing with these or similar problems. Should I try therapy for a couple months? Or is it more of a try and try again thing? What do you think?
Rachel
I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful but I’m not sure what you should do. I thought I’d let you know you’re not the only one though; I definitely know what you mean. I have some quirks as a result of my bipolar mother. I plan everything in advance because I know that any change of plans will make her crazy. I also clean as a way to deal with problems. When I have a problem I race around cleaning and tidying because when I was a kid this was the only practical way I knew to help my mother. It drives my partner insane but I just can’t help it. I also blow things out of proportion and stress and fixate on the smallest of problems. They just seem so much bigger than they are. I also excuse my mother for a lot of her behaviour but like the guy who writes this blog I have realised that my mum is not entitled to a free ticket to act however she likes just because she has bipolar. I need to stop excusing her, constantly biting my tongue and letting things go. Also, all my life I have put my own problems and issues on the back-burner because I didn’t want to add to her stress. What’s worse is that whenever I try to share my problems with her when she is manic she tells me that I’m self-absorbed and looking for attention even though I sit on the phone to her multiple times a week for hours and I barely say a thing, I just say “mmhmm” and “yep” so she knows I’m still there. And she calls me selfish? I think she just feels the need to inflict herself on anyone who will listen when she is manic, unfortunately that person is me.
It can be really hard to start seeing your own problems as legitimate and deserving of attention when for so many years you have focused all of your attention on someone else’s. I am only now, in my twenties, beginning to accept my own problems as important and stop being so lenient with my mother just because she “isn’t well.” I have my own issues and just because my mother has problems too it doesn’t make mine any more real or deserving of attention. I hope all children of bipolar parents realise this. Good luck.
Rachel thank you for just describing exactly how I feel- I hope your wedding day goes smoothly for you..
I too grew up with a bipolar mother and the inconsistencies- when I hear certain tone (crying, verbal abuse, instructions) I tend to go numb or else do the complete opposite- this has affected my relationship and job. I wanted to make a difference in my job but when someone tells me a sad story and I believe they’re being untruthful I turn cold and unresponsive. When my partner criticises me or sometimes just when he teases me I act irrationally- I feel like my head is going to explode want to run away and need to cry to get release… I feel worthless and angry. Recently I’ve been thinking these are perhaps defense mechanisms no longer needed now I no longer live with her. I am clumsy and forgetful and frequently bump my knee, arms, burn my fingers by accident…
I just wanted you to know I relate. In relation to how to deal with these quirks I’ll let you know if anything helps
Hello,
It was revealed only recently that my stepmom was bipolar. Most likely bipolar. It all fits. She was a scientist, as was my father and my mother. My mother was schizophrenic and my father was an alcoholic. The confusion of growing up thinking ‘how can this possibly be a NORMAL family?’ And the kids doing all the chores, me the oldest, and swallowing our feelings till we were ghosts of our souls and dealing with the rage and days of step-mom’s depression, and after my father died, it was revealed by relatives and colleagues of his that these colleagues could never STAND my stepmom. She reared her motor too high and she manipulated to get what she wanted. She kicked me out after my father died when I was 20. We children, my two sisters, were all shells of ourselves. My stepmom simply refused to accept me, as I was of the age that I was very close to my father when they met, and she never forgave a natural father-daughter closeness. She was an extreme snob, and she lied constantly. Think Joan Crawford in terms of her behavior. It has taken decades (my kids are just out of college) and years of self-reflection and reading to understand how ridiculous this entire white-bread in the best neighborhood was. My father and stepmom always criticized my mother when she went off on a psychotic trip (literally), believing in their own minds that they were ‘normal.’ Every tiptoe we made around the house not to disturb the fragile balance between calm and violence was a little death of our souls. Because she was an MD, the university was reluctant to hospitalize her for her anxious depression, as they did not want to ruin her reputation. She was on valium for years, instead. The rapid cycling was several times a week and we got little sleep at night. She would accuse us of things we did not do. She broke off contact with me in my 20s and then again in my adulthood, because of her selfishness. She was gorgeous and had a great figure and my father fell into her web. My family life truly was a movie. I am writing a novel based on this.
Just got another call that my mother’s in the hospital in the behavioral/psych ward AGAIN. I don’t know what # trip this is because I’ve lost count. I stopped speaking/interacting with her several weeks ago because she kept sending the police to my house telling them I wasn’t taking care of my kids. She was angry with me for taking her car. My aunt and I and a neighbor and the police were there when we took it. She wouldn’t stop driving and her license is/was suspended from crashing into the pastors (of all people!) car at the gas station. It tore her passenger side mirror off but now she INSISTS the mirror just flew off. Yes, it just flew right off of the car! The things this woman can rationalize to herself are maddening sometimes. A lot of the times. Anyway, I kept the conversation short as it was nice to have a few weeks of peace in my life. She said she couldn’t remember why she was put in there. I told her that the episodes are happening more frequently and more than they should be and believe me, it’s rapid cycling in the extreme. It can range from minute to minute at this point. When I said she should be able to remember why she got put in the hospital she stammered a response. She said they said she was laying on the couch smoking a cigarette and sleeping (she’s a chain smoker-3 packs a day) but of course she denies that. She said her social worker wants to talk to me tomorrow. I started to mention how it’d be easier for her and less stressful for her somewhere where they could help her with daily life activities but she snapped at me saying she wants to go home and keep her house so i better not even say assisted living cuz she can’t afford it. However, I do believe if she sells her house and she does have medicaid and disability too-that there are places that would accept her and/or work with her. Oh, they also said she wasn’t keeping up with her hygiene and I have seen it first hand. It’s amazing how much a person can change in such a short amount of time. While I’m sad for the situation and even pity her-I know that she’ll make the wrong decision over and over again and retaliate with cps, police, nasty texts and voicemails which I really don’t need or want in my life. I’m married for 2 yrs now and we have a 4yr old & a 1 yr old that come first now. I’m sure it sounds selfish to others but I think/hope you all will understand that. I’d rather let the social worker and paid professionals deal with her honestly. Is that cold? A little maybe, however, when I think of how many times I’ve put myself out trying to help her only to be put through the ringer by her I just don’t want to do it anymore. Hopefully that makes some sense. On a different note-I read a couple posts above about wedding day and bipolar moms. Right before my wedding a couple years ago my mother decided that because she got married twice at the courthouse and SHE never had a big wedding that I was of course being selfish and she got really jealous. She tried to take away my happiness on a day that was truly mine-not hers and she should’ve only been there to support me. She’s lucky I even invited her! Having the heart I do I couldn’t not invite her but I was anxious about what her behavior would be like for sure. At one point when some of the family & I were together assembling invitations and getting them ready to mail out she called to tell me that she was calling cps on me cuz well, she never really did say why. I just “assume” it was out of jealousy, narcissism (sp), mean-spiritedness, coldness, sickness, mental illness and any other you can add to that. She just wanted to inflict misery on me and make me worry anxiously about my kids and wedding because I was “too happy” for her miserable self. The day did go ok although she “threatened” not to come repeatedly-attention getting behavior…I only said one thing to her about it and that was that it was her choice whether or not to come to her daughter’s wedding. Either way it’d be going on. Her sickness has forced me to worry a lot about everything and am even on anti-anxiety medication now because I’m so anxious all the time. I just can’t ever relax. I think it’s because I never could as a child with her because I never knew what to expect. Or, if I did relax she would make sure to give me something to worry about or start a fight or pull the rug out from under me. Thanks for letting me get this out. These are things I’ve never told anybody before. Does anyone else feel the same about the nervousness or anxiety? Not being able to relax? I also am ALWAYS anticipating others actions and words, reading their emotions and remaining quiet and thinking through and observing the situations like I used to do as a child. I’m constantly avoiding conflict and know that’s not healthy. Anyhoo, hope you’re all having a good night and I’ll update when I find out more from the social worker.
I would not have invited her at my wedding. You sound like you are still expecting your mum to be a mum. To be honest, I do not believe for one second that mine would change and become the loving mother I craved for as a child. I gave up a while ago and I feel happier and more relaxed. I know quite a bit about anxiety. I was an anxious child myself. But, that was because of the family I had. I am a lot more relaxed and peaceful now. When I lived with my mum, we were not allowed to be happy if she was not. I learned to hide my emotions. I no longer speak to her and it is better this way. In fact, we do not live in the same country anymore.
Good luck with your mum, I know how hard it is.
You’re spot-on with that. Life in my family has been orders of magnitude better without the stress and drama that she caused.
Thank you everyone for your posts on here. It makes me feel less alone.
I’ve just realised by reading all this my mother is bipolar. I also have considered for sometime that she may have borderline personality disorder.
She is very highly manipulative, and clever at mixing in periods of feigned ‘normal’ and supportive behaviour to suck me back in. When she is nice, she is lovely, and I want her to be like that all the time.
But it’s just an act to draw me back. Then when she has me, she let’s all her crazy come out. She screams, cries, accuses, plays the victim and the martyr to the hilt.
When she is not attacking me personally with nasty insults, calculated attacks or punishments, she loves to be passive aggressive. She loves to sulk and her favourite is when she can hurt you without you being able to pin it on her exactly. She just ‘forgot’ or ‘didn’t mean it that way’.
She also loves being the victim. Given the opportunity, she loves nothing more than to wax on about a time in 1973 when my father or [fill in the blank -anybody] did this or that to her and oh it was so awful. Etc.
Her goal is control and she feeds on drama, and she wants her way.
I am one of four children but have always been the main target of her abuse, I don’t really understand why me. I’ve always felt very sorry for her and wanted to help her. When I was younger I didn’t understand she was mentally ill, so I tried to counsel her. I feel she robbed me of my childhood because she made me the adult and her the child.
It used to be my Dad was the target with the screaming and drama. I feel sorry for my Dad because I used to blame him for the behaviour. He was no angel but now I see it wasn’t all his fault.
She turned it on me when he left her. My older brother went away to university and never lived at home past 17 so he escaped. My younger brother checked out on marijuana so he was also absent. My younger sister was always shielded by me I guess.
It’s hard because I feel my brothers and sisters blame me now, just like we used to blame my Dad. Since she doesn’t target them, they don’t understand, and they know she is hard work, but they think I create or contribute to the drama. It adds to my pain to be blamed for her behaviour and not supported as much as I would like to be.
I have spent years healing from the deep pain she inflicted on me. It’s hard to feel angry at her though because I know mental illness is not her fault. I can also understand where it comes from because she had a great deal of trauma in her childhood.
What is difficult for me is not being able to stop it upsetting me still when I’m around her, even though I have wider perspective and much lower expectations of her these days.
I’ve always lived in other countries since I was 23 because I needed to get away from her but she still has the power to upset me deeply. She is often very kind to me for periods, and then guilts me into coming back and staying with her to visit. Then she attacks, hurts me deeply, and I run away again for my own sanity. The cycle then starts again.
I have recently started following the Indian guru Amma, she is a saint that embodies motherly love and travels the world hugging people. I went to see her and it was wonderful. I felt her blessing was very healing.
I don’t really know what to ask of anyone here, if anything. But thank you for reading my story if you got this far.
I just wanted to add, I think the hardest thing about having a bipolar mother is the swings between normal and mad. It draws you into the crazy, because you don’t understand the pattern, or what is setting her off.
Just remember, Emeka, that your reactions are normal, the pain you feel is real, and you need to do what you need to to keep yourself healthy. We all understand what you’re saying, and talking about it is the only way I’ve found to minimize the impact of my mom’s disease on myself. It’s sad that we sometimes have to distance ourselves from those with whom we would normally have a loving relationship, but I know in my life I need to keep myself healthy for my kids and for my marriage. So do what you need to and don’t feel guilty!
I agree with HH, your number 1 priority is yourself. You are not responsible for your mother’s well being. I know exactly what you are talking about, I have been through the same. Me too, I live in another country to get away from her. But, I allowed her to call me and I put up with blackmail and harassment for a while until the day she crossed the line. She used my daughter against me and had a go at her to get some money from me. I sent the money to her account but that was the end of it! I changed my number and I never spoke to her again after that. She has never met my child and I hope that she never will.
The problem with bipolar people is that they often enjoy their illness. Your mum can be treated with: medication, psychotherapy, lifestyle changes and mood monitoring. But, is it what she really wants? Between her own children and these changes, what would she choose?
As I said before, she is no mother to you, so why would you bother being a daughter to her? It works both ways!!!
It’s not uncommon. My mother chose her bipolar over any access to her only grandchildren. Her loss.
Where do I start? I’m 25 & I just recently started therapy where I’ve become convinced I grew up with a bi-polar mother. I’ve always had a feeling she was, at least that something wasn’t normal about my childhood. About a year ago, I started having major panic attacks & my agoraphobia, which I’ve had sporadically since I can remember, reemerged. I guess everything I’ve gone through growing up finally reached an apex & I just flipped my lid. The main jist of the “wrath of my mom” finally ended somewhat when she abandoned me at 17. She moved me back to the state where I grew up to finish school, leaving my father behind, not understanding that leaving meant divorce. Of course, I was made to feel the cause of all the reprocussions; all 17 year olds have the final say in things! A little while later, after months of seeing her sit on her behind in the dark instead of working to support like anyone else would, I come home to find she’s gone, left me with an email bidding me good riddance & $40 to my name. 8 years later & she still emails me now & again trying to get me to come see her, she completely doesn’t see what she did or why I still feel like I do (& the best part! She was abandoned as a child do, but fails to see the similarities). Through therapy, I’ve let go a lot of the anger I have had towards her, for feeling like I was just a bad child or that it was me all along, & accepting that she’s really sick. I just wish she would accept that fact & get help. She’s tried in the past but as soon as someone tells her something she doesn’t want to hear, they’re dead to her. She left me to go live with a man who I just found out recently beat her & forced her into a battered women’s shelter. This breaks my heart because no one deserves that. But in my heart I feel like until my mom accepts help, which I doubt will ever happen, I can’t let her into my life, she’s toxic to me. Plus, she’s made her own decisions in life & I have to look out for myself, which as a result of her illness, I’ve pretty much always had to do. Any advice on just dealing?
Keep talking about it. That seems to be helping me tremendously. Keep reading others stories on here too-we all can relate to each other and it’s amazing to me how similar the base of our stories are. We have been through the ringer but ya know what? We don’t have to be around ANYBODY, including friends, family and yes, even our bipolar mothers & fathers, that we don’t want to. I’ve been working on healthy relationships and my mother is toxic for me-therefore-i handle her in very small doses and have been distancing myself and our kids for quite sometime now. Sometimes I feel guilty but I think that’s normal and just comes along with the territory. We are free to no longer feel guilty and worry about what will set them off next. We can’t change it so may as well focus on other things that need attention and appreciate it. I’ve been learning to work through things this way lately. Still get upset at times-don’t get me wrong-but definitely doing better with the situation. My advice is to keep writing, keep reading and keep on with the counseling. Do lots of de-stressing things too like bubble baths, listening to music, playing a favorite game, reading a book or magazine, etc…..whatever helps you to relax!
I feel blessed this evening to have stubbled onto this website. I did not know there were so many people out there with bi polar mothers. When I was little, I just thought she was a normal adult with adult problems. I am 29 now, and my brothers and I have just realized she is bi polar. She will not go to be diagnosed or seek treatment. We were abused and tormented throughout our entire childhood. My father finally left her, but after we were grown. He is a saint for staying around as long as he did. My oldest brother and I have daughters now and have seen how the manipulation unfolds so rampantly. She now has disowned my brother and has took his horrible ex-wife in as her own daughter. So no the manipulation is really bad. I am sure the ex-wife is bi polar ad well. My little brother still clings to mom and gives her chances to make up, but she is never at fault. The story of my brothers and myself should be a book as much as we have been through. It is ironic that my mother went to college to become a psychologist, only to be encouraged to diagnose her family with whatever illness she thinks we have. How bad is it to have a mother with a Bach degree in psychology tell each of her sons they are all bi polar or have a mental disorder. This website is a god send and I want to thank you for it. Thank you for anyone who posts here, thank you for your courage and may god bless each and everyone of you.
Reading on through some more of these stories do bring some of the surpressed memories of my haunted past. The tantrums, the messy home, the yelling, the fighting, breaking things. Telling us boys that she was going to leave us and never coming back. One evening after deer hunting, all of us boys came in at the same time only to find my mom and dad in an argument which escalated into my mom grabbing a loaded deer rifle and sticking it into my dads gut while pulling the trigger over and over. If she knew how to get the safety off, my dad would have been killed. The constant guilt trips have scarred me permanently. I had a very low self esteem and found myself worrying about things that a child shouldn’t have to. She refused to come to my wedding, and the birth of my first child because she didn’t want to see my father there. She tried to strangle my little brother with a phone cord. She broke things over our backs. She used whatever she could find to whip us with, metal coat hangers etc…. I can’t even to begin to scratch the surface with the life we have endured with that woman. And the sick thing, we were led to believe that she deserved respect and love all because she raised us, and managed somehow not to kill us. And she can’t figure out why we won’t leave our kids with her alone? She will not ever damage my girls the way she did us. She always drops the bomb “I raised you just fine, and look how you turned out”. Yeah just look at me. Thank you mom, for teaching me how to not be a parent. I have a beautiful wife and two beautiful girls, but to my mother I am a horrible disappointment. She hates my wife and thinks she is responsible for my actions. She has told me how she can’t wait to see me fall from grace or for someone to knock me on my a**. I use to worry about my mother, but now I find myself feeling better by not worrying about her. I have turned her down three times to move in with us because I knew it would ruin my marriage and damage our children. Of course she resented me for that. There is so much that could be written about me and my brothers’ lives. But we somehow managed to become successful men with strong sane wives. My mother resents all three and believes they are the ones to blame. It is incredible how much better I feel about things having let done of this out. Again, thank you for this website and may god bless you and your situation.
I am so glad I found this website. These stories hit home and make me understand my feelings about my mother. My mother has been clinically diagnosed bipolar. It’s a terrible disease to grow up with, especially when no one tells you. I finally figured out a few years ago what was actually wrong. It has been hard to realize and wake up to. She has had many attempts at suicide my entire life. My parents divorced and my Dad was military, so I was left to deal with my mom. Finding an outlet (exercise, reading, sewing, friends) to be happy with yourself and figuring out how much you can take of this person and their terrible disease is a good step towards healing. I hope to grow, learn, and eventually heal. Love to everyone who has had to deal with this in their lives!
My mother is on such a downward spiral. Today she texted me that her social caseworker made the doctor and/or her sign a paper and she wasn’t sure what she was signing but did cuz they were asking/telling her to sign it. I don’t know what it was. However, several months ago when I was still attempting to help her which ended up with a blatant slap in the face, I finally had to learn to let it go & I told the caseworker I could no longer try to help her because it was causing me harm mentally & emotionally, financially & even physically. I didn’t like the fact it was taking my emotional and mental strength and financial resources away from my 4 & 1 year old. They are the most important people in the world to me and we stopped letting her be alone with them about 1.5-2 years ago when she noticeably got worse. Well, when I told the caseworker I could no longer help she said ok, I asked what would happen to her & she stated that some agency that I can’t recall now would be going for taking over her financial decisions and possibly placing her where she needs to be. It’s a hard pill to swallow to have to be the one to say ok, go ahead. But I keep reminding myself it’s for her safety, safety first, it’s for her own good and that I’m doing this with her best interest at heart. It makes me sad cuz I offered to be her payee and power of attorney but she resented that quite flippantly. My husband & I even offered to buy her car from her because she was scaring us and the neighbors and everyone else on the road I’m sure because she was driving so bad. We had the police there & were able to take the car from her for about 1.5-2 weeks. After that she called the police on me everyday to report it stolen. Typical behavior. It made me so angry. So, she was mad and was using the police to try & hurt me & my family so she could get her way & get her car back. I finally decided to just take it back and drop it off at her house because the police were getting tired of her calling them and said next time they’d have to make a police report-like I’d actually stolen her car. That’s when I decided to be done with trying to help her at the expense of my kids, my husband & my own self & all of our sanity. Unbelievably, however, completely expected, a couple months later she decided to sell the car to her next door neighbor for $200. It was my grandma’s car, who has been passed away for 6 years now. Naturally, our car broke down & was going to be too much to fix and so now it seems that car really would’ve come in handy because now we are down to one car, which is fine, I’ll make do with what we’ve got, always have & always will. It also would’ve been nice to have something of my grandma’s because I didn’t get anything. I made the mistake of asking my mom if I could take a plant from the funeral so I could have something living in my home to remind me of my grandma and she said no. There were over 30 plants & flowers and many more came after that. She didn’t let anybody have anything. It was awful. My mom got $60,000 plus a $16000 divorce settlement pretty much around the same time. and has NOTHING to show for it. It’s so frustrating to watch her do that to my grandma & grandpa’s house and see it in the state it’s in today. My entire life she’s always been nicer to strangers than to me, my siblings or our immediate/extended family so it was no surprise to get a text from her saying she had sold the car. Not to mention we were going to buy it from her for $1000 at the minimum to help her out since she’s flat broke and can’t manage her money whatsoever. My husband said she could’ve at least gotten $2000-2500 for it. Oh, I should mention all the money my mother received was gone about 3 years ago. So, she blew through it all in about 3 years and now expects everyone else to do everything for her. One thing that makes me sad and sick is that she sent me the message about selling the car 3 separate times. I’ve come to the conclusion that she was trying to get a reaction from me. I ignored her texts for awhile, maybe even a day, just to have some time to think about how I felt about everything before I said anything to her. It was around the holidays so I think that’s why I called her, to let the kids & her talk. I could barely say hello & she was blurting out about how she had sold the car to the next door neighbor for $200. That confirmed to me that she was indeed trying to get a reaction from me. So I didn’t give it to her. I told her that was good & I was glad she got some money. I didn’t go for it at all. Then I just changed the subject & let her talk 2 the kids. Anyways, now she of course regrets her actions and says she made a mistake, blah blah blah. Heard it all before, her cycles are happening so frequently now it’s too much to handle. I know she can’t think rationally & logically about finances and just about everything else and I know her brain doesn’t work that way but sometimes it’s just too much. She’ll never get a rise out of me about that car or the house or anything materialistic-it’s just “stuff” anyway. I know she’s going to end up in assisted living or a nursing home and it makes me really sad. I just continue to pray for her and for her doctors and caseworkers to do what’s best for her. I’ve come to realize we’ll probably lose my grandma & grandpa’s house because of her selfishness and stinginess but it is what it is I guess. What can I do about it? I feel as if I’ve tried to do everything I’m capable of doing yet the guilt still creeps up. She’s practically begging me to move in with us, now she says she’ll sell the house, etc…but I know that is not the long-term solution. She only thinks in the here and now. I’m just deeply saddened and upset about it tonight. 😦
I have a adult daughter 32 with bipolar. panic disorder. and personality disorder. My daughter has been sick her whole life. She has been on SSI since she was 17. My daughter missuses her medication and uses street drugs. She has a 15 year son whom the fathers mother raised. I now am raising my granddaughter 2 1/2. Every day I receive text messages that accuse me of causing her mental disorders. Some of her text ask for advise and some are just off the wall. When visits are scheduled for her to visit her daughter she never shows up. she seems to have some kind of crisis. I ended getting blamed for why she didn’t make it to see her daughter. The ones who get hurt the most in this situation is the children. children don’t understand why. My daughter blames me for having her daughter says I stole her child. But what she refuses to acknowledge is she beg me to come and get her on many occasions. I ended up with temporary guardianship when she dropped her off at my house to fly to the west cost (one way ticket) to meet a new boyfriend she only new through the internet. She did not call her daughter and stayed out west for 2 1/2 months. Missed her flight home because she could not get out of bed. It has been a year half since our granddaughter came to live with us. We are doing the best we can since all four of our children are grown and we are planning for retirement in the near future. The best thing for the child is to not have any contact with my daughter. We shelter our granddaughter from the drama. She is doing great! The problem I have is mom can go back to court and possibly get her back. The laws aren’t meant to protect the children, more on the side of the parents. The father is a UK citizen and has never seen the child and refuses to support. He also has mental health issues. Another one of my daughters internet encounters.
My mother just found out she is bipolar. For years she has been like jekel and hyde with myself getting the brunt of her anger. I thought for the longest time she just didn’t like me. I’m 25 now and since I know what made her that way I can forgive the past. But now she doesn’t take her meds like she should and is treating me like she use to. I’m not sure I can forgive her for the current behavior because she’s skipping meds. I just can’t do it emotionally and she’s saying I’m a bad daughter because I’m trying to distance myself. I just feel like my spirit is breaking because she is my mom. I just can’t cry anymore. What do I do? I know its alot and I’m sorry. It just came out.
go find someone to talk to. burst the bubble. be open about what’s happening..for your sanity. tell her to take her meds. do not give her a personal therapy session..you’re not qualified to. look after and be kind to yourself. laugh, live, love..distance yourself…everyone on this page seems to have had to. don’t feel guilty.
How lucky I am to have found this site at this time in my life. I only wish it would have been sooner! But I believe things happen for a reason, and evidently this was the right time to find you all. I have been reading all of your experiences for the last two days and for the first time in my life my thoughts, feelings, and emotions have been validated. I’m not alone! I am 49 years old and my bi-polar mother will be 79 in a week. She was diagnosed bi-polar when I was 12 years old. I had no idea at that age what that meant. And honestly, am just coming to terms with what that means. I have lived my whole life being very co-dependent (at the age of 30 I realized this when my life was falling apart and I went to counseling for the first time) I am married to a wonderful guy for 30 years now, and have four grown children. I don’t know what I would have done without the support of my husband all these years. Well, at the age of 30 I was spiriling downward and ready to leave my husband and 4 children and just run away from it all. I was living my life for my mom and not for myself and my family. I learned from an early age, that you just did what you had to do to make the “momster” happy or you would have hell to pay. Well as I look back, there was nothing that was going to make her happy, and I was loosing myself in the process. Counseling helped, and I got back on track for the time being. That’s when I distanced myself to three phone calls a week and visiting only twice a week instead of every day! Hey it was a big step for me. Time went on, things continued to happen. and I realize now, that I have been living a lie my whole life. Just to back up a little, there are some things I remember from my childhood, but it’s kinda scarry to think of the things I can’t recall. Maybe at that time I was shutting myself off so as not to remember everything. I have three older brothers, and I am the youngest, and the only girl. The sibling closest to my age was 7 years older then me so I was basically like an olny child growing up. My mom has been a perscription drug junkie my whole life and was into the alcohol pretty heavy during my grade school years. I remember being afraid to go home after school cause I didn’t know if my mom would be alive or dead. (several times I would come home to her being passed out on the couch and I would shake her to see if she was breathing or not) My parents kicked my oldest brohter out of the house when he was 17 to fend for himself. He joined the army and went to Viet Nam. Thank God he returned. He would send letters home and my mom would crumble them up in front of me and throw them away. I was only 6 years old at that time, and I knew that wasn’t right. He only lives 3 hours away and he never comes home and doesn’t call my mom unless she hounds him long enough. She told another one of my brothers that she should have shit him down the toilet when she had the chance. The other brother is the Golden Child who can do no wrong. Then there was me…the only girl…so wanted……There are so many stories….but you all know….bi-polar…narssist…master manipulator….hypocondria…(my mom has had something wrong with her physically for as long as I can remember.) My dad…was a wonderful man, but I realize now he was an enabler to her. I loved my dad very much and I know he lived a life of hell. He used to come to my house and sit and cry because of how things were at home. My dad passed away almost five years ago now. His death was sudden. I was going to go see my parents the day before he died, but mom was going thru one of her “episodes” at that time and I couldn’t handle seeing her that day, so I didn’t go. She called me early the next morning and told me my dad was dead. I have lived with that guilt, but realize it’s not my fault. It’s still hard though. I know my dad is in a better place and that he has peace now. After dad’s death I told myself I needed to step it up. I had to be there for my mom. So, I fell back into the “old ways”. She has had to be in a psych ward twice since my dad passed away. She had found a Dr that would give her all the drugs she wanted and we had to call the ambulance for her three times cause she overdosed. I finally got her away from that Dr, but she wasn’t happy. She got to the point where she couldn’t live alone anymore cause of her “self medicating”. That was leading her to falling alot. She shouldn’t have been driving and she wouldn’t cook for herself there fore was not eating right. She decided to put herself in a retirement home a few months ago and refers to it as an insttution. Even though she made the decision, it is all my fault. All my fault she is so unhappy and blablabla. Final straw came just after Christmas…(holidays….AAAHHH) I was her power of attorney for her affairs and health care. She accused me of stealing money from her. That was the final straw. I have done nothing but right by her and stealing her money, I could never live with myself. I got angry, told her I could not do this anymore, told her how I have been feeling, and told her I would no longer be her POA. This is a road I’m not willing to travel with her. What did she do? Curled up in a fetal position on the floor, started crying, and saying oh dear God, what have I done to my daughter? I walked out. New Years Eve day, she came to my house, ranting, told me if I didn’t make things the way they used to be she would walk out my door and I would never see her again. I told her things would not go back to how they were, and if she wanted to leave that was “her choice” She eventually left. She told me she couldn’t be held accountable for anything she says cause she has a mental illness. She tried to get inbetween my husband and me that day. S0 many stories I could tell. Out of guilt, I had to go see her the next day and told her that whatever was going on between us, I would never NOT love her. I was crying, and she said, “Oh, it’s gonna take you awhile to get over this one isn’t it?” Whoa self….WAKE UP!! I have not seen my mother since New Years Day. Part of me feel good, I’m so tired of the drama, GUILT TRIPS ARE THE WORST…..but another part of me aches so bad. I love her, I know she has a mental illness, I’ve tried my best to be what she needed me to be for her, and I again was losing myself to her illness. I would love nothing more then to have a normal mother/daughter relationship. It was getting to the point however that I didn’t even want to live anymore and enjoy MY life. I’ve gone two days now without crying! I was in need of a spot of sunshine so had my little 3 year old grand daughter spend the night on Fri. Momster called me Sat, complaining as usual. When she asked what I was doing, and I told her, she got mad at me and hung up. Wow…my mom’s birthday is Jan 27th. I’m torn on what to do. I’ve always done something, and I so don’t have the desire right now. I know I don’t want to see her, and that makes me feel guilty, I don’t want to send a card, no mushy garb! If I send her anything, she will probably just throw it away anyway, but at least I tried…right? Feels better to get this out finally! There’s so much more. Thank you all for sharing your stories. You have all helped me so much!
You need to remember that even in her degraded state, she is CHOOSING to remain that way. Some people need to hit rock bottom to get help, some people hit bottom and begin digging. Set your own boundaries, and stick to them.
As to what to do on her birthday, do you remember any normal birthdays? Unfortunately I don’t – at least not with Mom around.
Maybe you could find a nice card like the one I didn’t send on Mother’s day (https://mybipolarmother.wordpress.com/2007/05/12/mothers-day-approaches/) https://mybipolarmother.files.wordpress.com/2008/03/mothersday.jpg
That is the thing that hurts the worst…that she is choosing to say the hurtful things to me that she says. I have the feeling that she knows what she is doing, and how it is making me feel, and in her sick mind making me feel bad makes her feel better. Then she tells me all the time how wanted I was and how much she loves me, how I am her rock and she couldn’t live without me. That’s sick love. If I ever treated my children the way I have been treated, they would never want to see me again, and I wouldn’t blame them. And I feel guilty for not wanting to live this way anymore? There were a few good times too and I will always cherish them. No, I don’t remember any “normal” birthdays or holidays. Any special event was always drama filled to bring the attention on her. I am setting my boundries and will try my best to stick to them. Making the decision to cut myself from her life is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. I know it is the best for me, but struggling with the emotions stinks. She is telling lies to other family members about me, trying to triangulate and make me question my sense of reality. It will take me awhile but I know I’m making the right decision for me and it’s ok to think about me! This site has empowered me so much!
One thing I have learned is how manipulative the bipolar are. They don’t even realize they are manipulative, but might feel we are manipulating them, when we are actually running in circles trying to please them, only to be struck down, time and again, while they, the poor souls, are at the behest of their puppetmaster — their brain, which controls them and the world around them, making us dance on the edge of a pin…
we shouldn’t say that people are bipolar-they have bipolar disorder-just as a person has cancer- we don’t say they are cancer
since this is often a hereditary disorder I feel pity for those on this site who inherit it themselves or have children or grandchildren who inherit it-who will be turning who’s back on who then-I have never seen so much “resentment and bitterness” in one place before as on this site
The ‘Are’ vs ‘Have’ question. The difference is quite simply permanence. People don’t ‘have’ blindness or even alcoholism. Only curable things are ‘have’. Bipolar is treatable, not curable.
Anyone on this site who is genetically predisposed to bipolar and develops it has a really good idea of what the ramifications of it are. They *should* aggressively seek the best, most effective treatment that they can, and stick with it. They know the consequences of failing that. None of the posts or comments on this site (that I recall, anyway) involve discarding a relationship with a bipolar relative that is actively seeking treatment. Your ‘pity’ for those who develop it rings hollow, especially with your passive-aggressive ‘what goes around, comes around’ comment.
If the ‘resentment and bitterness’ is too much for you here, I cordially invite you to surf the rest of the internet.
I’m noticing that people keep using cancer in comparison with bipolar….why is that?
your comments also ring resentful and bitter. And yes people do also turn their backs on those who are actively seeking treatment. All the best to you.
why would you call me a sociopath-you don’t even know me-I have been a loving mother and yes at times I was not easy to live with-but who is-I find it interesting on this site that people never mention anything good their mothers ever did-
I am responding to the bipolar mothers. It is probably difficult to understand that the children are hurt when the person who has bipolar is also hurting. one facet of having bipolar, so i am told, (i do not have it but my stepmother did) is that it is difficult for a person who has bipolar to see how he or she affects people. my stepmother never felt that her actions or words harmed people; she was blind in this regard. my mother had schizophrenia and she was blind to the fact that she did not work for the government and had to be restrained from time to time from going on trips to dangerous parts of the world. my parents were all scientists. I was raised by wolves. wolves who did not understand how their paws could scratch and wolves who regarded our affluent family as a blessing and who did not see the cracks in the wall.
I am sorry that all of you are hurting so much. You know the wolves are not the only ones who are blind. Suffering is part of life for everyone and we all have a choice. We can either let it blind us and harden our hearts OR we can actually become more loving and forgiving people because of it.
When we refuse to forgive others-we hurt ourselves most of all. Our bitterness is like a heavy anchor around our hearts. Forgiveness brings us peace.
Forgiveness is one thing, restoring a damaged relationship is another. Forgiveness can be done unilaterally and doesn’t require anything from the person being forgiven. Asking for forgiveness is fine. Without sincerely apologizing and attempting to correct the offending behavior, don’t expect a restored relationship. The lack of a relationship does NOT mean that you aren’t forgiven. It usually means that your desire or ability to change the offending behavior are perceived as inadequate or nonexistent.
I’m glad that namegoeshere allows the odd post from people who are suffering from the disease. The lack of empathy in their comments and the complete focus on the self are the behaviours we all witness in our own mothers. It’s helpful for the rest of us to be reminded that those behaviours are characteristic of the disease and have nothing to do with us.
whine whine whine- have you ever grown up with an alcoholic father? everyone has suffering in their lives-its a fact of life-no one is ignoring your suffering-just stating that your not the only people suffering-much as you would like people to believe your mothers are monsters-they are just people- how about all the kids that grow up with drug addicted parents? wait until you have raised your children into their thirties-I guarantee you will see things differently. the older you get the less you think you know-its called maturity.
Most here have grown up with worse than an alcoholic parent. Alcoholism, while not ‘acceptable’ is at least understood by friends/neighbors/family/police. Bipolar isn’t, and is typically excused or ignored by those who are not actively enabling it.
Merely pointing out that everyone has suffering is an attempt to minimize the value of the pain of the person you are using it against. It’s not a tactic exclusive to bipolar people. Lots of types of self-centered people wishing to elevate themselves at the cost of others use it.
Maturity has many aspects. One of them is being able to predict when something you say may be offensive. Another is being able to empathize with people who have a different perspective than you. You are miserably failing at both.
I am not sure what it is that you want from your mothers with bi-polar? An apology? A promise that they will be perfect from now on? What? Do you just wish they would die so you wouldn’t have to deal with them anymore?
As I said in comments on the ‘I Already Have A Bipolar Mother‘ thread. What I want is:
Barring that, I chose to NOT allow the insanity to damage MY family.
I’m not quite sure how Yvonne could have thought that I was “whining” from my previous post. I think she actually meant to say how could I not perceive her as the centre of the universe and the persecuted victim that she is .
I second namesgoeshere’s comments about what he wants from his mother. I want the same things. I’m even willing to drop the apology part, because if my mother ever gains some perspective and clarity on her behaviour, then she would have to feel very badly about her impact on others, and that would be enough for me. Clarity would mean that she would at least try not to behave that way in the future.
I agree with Shari, however, in that I doubt that either clarity or an apology will ever come. I’ve stopped hoping for one, and I’m comfortable living my life without my mother. Instead, I’m focusing my energy on those who have the capacity to love, and who do really love me.
Yvonne,
My mother, while not as extreme as some of the others mentioned here, was, I’m pretty sure, bipolar. In answer to your question asking if you would like them to die so that you wouldn’t have to deal with them anymore….yes.
The apology will never come, I have come to learn that. I have to let alot of things go as to NOT become bitter and resentful. Its a choice. You just have to decide that I’m not going to put my energy there. I’m going to decide to let this go. It’s your choice. You can embrace it, you can become a prisoner of bitterness and resentment anger and victim city, or you can just say ‘I’m going to live my life and be happy. A promise to be perfect? No one is perfect, and speaking for myself I can say that is an unrealistic expectation. I have heard the “i’m not perfect” words come out of my own mothers mouth and I have always said to her, and neither am I. In response to do you wish they would just die? That is cruel and heartless. I don’t wish that upon anyone. Although my mother has wished my husbands death upon me many times. I guess I am just coming to the realization that me putting expectations upon my mom….wishing what was….is only hurting me. Therefore, if I have to back off and take care of me that’s ok. I am responsible for me and no one else. I will always love my mom, she’s the vessel that brought me into this world, but I don’t have to go down with the ship. I can swim. Hoping you can rid yourself of the anger and bitterness Yvonne. Trust me, it will not serve you well.
It is my understanding that this forum was created for people who have loved ones with bi-polar disorder and the like as there are different types. My mother has bipolar disorder with sever psychosis, is delusional, paranoid; as well as diagnosed with severe depression & they found a brain tumor last summer.She also has memory loss & the social workers took over her finances 2 weeks ago & the council on aging is taking guardianship of her. I am actually relieved because then I know there are people to check in on her & confirm she’s safe. I don’t hate my mother. I did as a teenager for a very long time after that too. I was young and didn’t understand what was wrong. She went undiagnosed her entire life until last summer when she had a mental breakdown. She got scared, called 911 & told them the FBI was trying to bust her for drugs and people were looking in her windows, etc….
It really upsets me that someone would get on here and try to rile everyone up & take away the from the people who take the time to write their feelings & stories here. Not many understand this disease and all that it entails. This is a place for people who have & are dealing with these sorts of things. There’s very little support and this forum has been a Godsend and saved my sanity over the last few months. For awhile I was afraid I’d end up in the psych ward with my mom. I really was frightened of it for awhile because of all the unhealthy choices & bad decisions she was making. I found out she was going without water, trash or heat for a long time and about to lose her house.
I think if you don’t understand how “we” feel having grown up and/or dealt with bipolar disorder and psychosis on a personal level that you shouldn’t read our stories. You really can’t make an argument about something you don’t understand. It’s not fair to you, us or our sick loved ones. We are allowed to vent our frustrations with this disease and this is a place to do so. If you don’t like it-there are plenty of other forums for you to go to in order to deal with your own issues. You are even free to start your own group if you so choose. Or, maybe you could get some real help in some of the forums online as they have really helped me a lot lately. I’m not trying to be flippant necessarily, however, this is seriously uncalled for here. Thanks for listening. I always like that saying-one bad apple ruins the barrel.
This blog was created as an outlet for me when things went pear-shaped. I wrote to give myself some perspective and to document things that tend to get fuzzy over time. I also wanted to make sure that my story got out, as there were (and still are) very few stories of children raised by a bipolar.
This page was created in the hope that someone somewhere was dealing with the same thing. The response has exceeded my expectations. This page has evolved into a community of sorts. People find out that they aren’t the only ones dealing with a bipolar parent, share their personal experience, trade advice or just provide mutual support.
I’ve only denied two comments, and one was later turned into the ‘I already have a bipolar mother‘ post.
I will continue to allow non-abusive posts from the other side. I think it gives a glimpse into the mind of a bipolar for the merely curious that browse here. For those with bipolar that browse and comment, perhaps these stories will be additional motivation to get and stick with treatment.
BUT… people that comment must realize that even though we don’t know each other in ‘meatspace’, we are a community of sorts. Antagonizing comments will get appropriate responses. You don’t walk into a biker bar and complain about the music, unsavory characters, and smoke. Actions have consequences.
Hello.
My mother has been “bipolar” as long as I have known her. I am 25, and my brother is 31. We have described her as both the most selfless and selfish person we know. She has hit rock bottom over ten times in the last 10 years. Evictions, being fired from jobs, a gambling addiction that alienated her entire family, and most recently being hospitalized after attacking her sister.
My brother and I have reached a breaking point. Our love is unconditional, but our funds, time, and patience are not. I cry as I write this, because I never want to admit defeat with her illness, but how much can we take on to ourselves before her disease becomes the sole focus of our lives?
What do any of you do to assuage the guilt of not being able to just make things better? If she is unwilling to help herself and change these patterns of destruction, that what can we do? My mother may be homeless in a week, and I am not sure how to deal with the guilt of not providing her with solutions that she will agree to.
Your emotional reserves are also finite. You aren’t fighting just her illness. If she isn’t fighting it with you, then she’s on the other side. I assume that she is not being treated, and refuses to recognize that there is a need for treatment.
You are in a serious role-reversal here. The PARENT is supposed to support and care for a CHILD, not the other way around. If your mother is anything like mine, guilt is the biggest hammer in her toolbox. It took me a LONG time to realize just how manipulated I had been, and still see lingering effects.
What you will need to do is called ‘Tough Love’. Let her feel the effects of what she has brought on. If she’s hit rock bottom that often, then someone has been picking her back up without allowing her to learn. I’d like to be able to confidently tell you that eventually she will wake up and start pulling her life back together. Unfortunately with bipolar it doesn’t always (often) work that way. It’s not called ‘Tough’ because of the effect on the recipient.
You shouldn’t feel guilty for something you didn’t cause and can’t fix. The only thing you *might* have done to feel guilty about is shielding her from the logical consequences of her actions over the last ten years.
I agree, thank you for your response. I am so glad you did decide to make this blog/forum and to know we’re not alone! I do get very tired of the manipulation but as you said it is a good way to see the other side. Thanks again!
I have been married for 3 years to a wonderful man, who is an only child to a divorced, bi-polar/schinophrenic mother. We have a 15 month old son together and this morning I racked my brain on how we would seperate smoothly. I debated marrying him because of his mother. I love this man, but the stress of her becoming homeless again is too much for me to handle. I feel like a fool. I knew she was like this and the torment she has caused him throughout the years. I assumed he would choose me, but how do you turn your back on your mom and let her live on the streets?
I was in the same boat your husband is in, and sympathize with you.
Send him out to ‘The Art of Manliness’ article ‘Quit Being A Moma’s Boy‘, then ask him to read through this blog starting with ‘In The Proper Order‘.
If he is receptive, let me know and I will get you my email address. Perhaps I can provide him with some perspective.
I just wanted to say something after reading all this. Did you know that Bipolar disorder is not something you can cure? For all of those bashing on the mothers. You do understand that they cannot help what they do most of the time and do not have the ability to control thier impulses or thoughts as well as a normal person. I understand your pain but ask yourself one question: Are you shutting them out of your lives because they are your mother are because they are sick? Sick being the strong word here. I dont know how well that speaks for the Mothers children who blame them for being who they are. SICK. Do you not think it is hard on them as well? How many times do you think they have wisked fpr just one normal peaceful day like yours. Just to be normal. I think you need to be more understanding in seeing that this is not something that just goes away because your trying to ignore the woman who gave birth to you. When your child asks about your mother when thier older, how is it going to sound when you tell them , oh by the way, your grandmother was sick, with something she couldnte control, so I said F^% her and well never see her. Would you want your child to do the same thing to you? Juat a thought. Its difficult for you as a child I know. But Its just as difficult for the person with the disorder because most of the times, they dont want to do those things, it just happens because of thier inability to control themselves.
Bipolar isn’t curable, but it is treatable.
Speaking only for me, Mom appears to enjoy the drama/trauma that she causes. She is the center of attention when she’s depressed (and everybody tries to make her feel better), or she’s the center of (and in complete control of) the universe when she’s manic.
I don’t blame her for the bipolar. I blame her for refusing to do anything about it, or even acknowledge that she has a problem. If she’s looking for a ‘normal peaceful day’ that is available through meds & counseling. She’s not interested.
I’m not ignoring Mom, I have decided that MY FAMILY is more important than her bipolar. I set conditions, and she chooses not to meet them.
I’ve been dealing with this and my Children since they were old enough to understand. They’re teens now, and they thankfully have only hazy memories of what they witnessed. Mom’s hatred was primarily directed at my Wife, or me, and occasionally my youngest. None of them have any desire to see Mom.
If I become an untreated malevolent bipolar, I would expect that they would distance themselves from me. And rightly so.
I used to think Mom didn’t want those things, but even denying her access to her only grandchildren wasn’t a big enough shock for her to admit her need for treatment. She CHOSE bipolar over them. I do pity her, but only from a safe distance.
I agree with you, that its a disorder, that can be hard for our mothers to control. There are many tools out there for people with disorder to keep themselves on track. People with bipolar disorder need continuous medical care, counseling, and support from groups & family, ect. I’m sure a lot of people can agree with me when I say that their mothers don’t do this for themselves, or their families. I accept my mother’s disorder. I am willing to stand by and support her if that’s what she wanted for herself. If she really wanted to get help and stay on track. And yes they are fall backs no one is perfect. But with the right treatment she would have more better days than bad. I think when things start getting abusive emotionally or physically you can’t just accept it just because your mother is bipolar. Not with the advances in medicine nowadays. There is something out there to help her control what’s going on with her. I’m 24 and my mother to this day calls me a slut and that I think I’m better than her. And she hates me. But then I’m supposed to just forget she said those things and carry on having a relationship with her like it never happened. Before I had children I could just accept her by ignoring it. Which really wasn’t accepting it but now she is doing this infront of my daughter and while I’m pregnant with my second one. She even lashes out at my daughter and makes her cry because she yells at her. I’ve chosen recently that if she doesn’t get it under control and quit using her family as her dramatic circle, and an emotional punching bag I won’t have ne thing to do with her. Bipolar, my mother, a friend, black, blue, green I don’t want my children growing up with the confusion I had to. Not when it doesn’t have to be there. She has never gotten the proper help and stuck with it. I have went to support groups for people with bipolar disorder/depression, I went because I was depressed about my mother and how she was treating me & how she raised me. I am adopted by the way and I am not bipolar. I do suffer from a personality disorder bcus of my mother. I have figured how to deal with it, and living very happily now. But I was able to see how different people were with bipolar disorder. Those who didn’t treat it properly, people who did, people who educated themselves on the disorder, those who didn’t, those with support and those who didn’t. I believe with the will power to love yourself to get betterand stop blaming the disorder for everything, I’ve seen it people can control it, the drive that you won’t treat others unfairly and that you can love without expecting something in return, and the right education on the disorder anyone can feel better. I love my mother but I love myself more to walk away when nothing is changing. I don’t have to accept the nasty things she says to me and the mean crap she does to my daughter. I’ve tried to get her help and she refuses. Well I refuse to be treated this way. Just because she bipolar doesn’t make it okay. She was fine at one point and now she’s not. I think people with bipolar disorder go thru severe depression dealing with it. Getting your life back in perspective does a lot. Remembering life could be worse, that people are just people, that family is everything, that thought alone should help curve the nasty acts and things with the disorder do. I’ve been dealing with this since I was 10 years old, and its taken a lot for me to get out of all this. The depression was hard, the personality disorder was even harder. I would never wish that upon my children or expose them to it. That’s my choice as a mother and a grown woman, to tell someone they won’t say those things to me and act like that. If they can’t respect my family or me enough to get the help she needs. That’s when I step back wayyy back now. I’ve done this before and was guilted back with no action plan on her end. Nothing explaining what she was going to do different. I am not the bad person, and I’m not going to feel guilty anymore. She did it again and this time right in front of my little girl. Its not something I will accept anymore by ignoring it. She’s here, biopolar, and treats me and my family horrible. I’ve tried to get her help and told her to go to counseling and get. On differnt meds. But she hasn’t. You can’t be there and help someone who can’t help themselves. Can’t feel sorry for or understand someone who doesn’t care about u or themself. Its that simple.
Jess,
You should not have been placed under her care. She was not a suitable mother for adoption.
I think you made the right decision, that way you can protect yourself and your daughter. You and your daughter are your number 1 priority.
Megzo
Jessica, I don’t think you’ve been on the recipient end of a bipolar person’s behaviour. It’s horrible, and many of us have come to the conclusion after a long battle with guilt and trying to decide if we are making the right decision that we need to protect ourselves from that behaviour. If my mother suffered from alcoholism or drug addiction, no one would expect me to put up with that behaviour – people understand that addiction is a disease, and the person needs to make the decision to deal with it (see Alcoholics Anonymous 12 step program). Bipolar is no different. The person who suffers from it needs to conclude that their behaviour is driving people away, close friends and family alike (note not just offspring), and that they need to treat their behaviour through medication and counselling. My experience with my mother is that she likes the drama around her, and she would rather live in that world than take the steps to get herself out of it. I will be there for her if she ever makes that decision, but until then I will not accept that behaviour and I will distance myself from it.
I am the husband of the wife from a few comments ago. We have numerous fights and arguments over my mother. I get hurt feeling when I hear her talk about getting divorced over my mothers actions. I believe you can use a scale for bipolar and my mother is an 11. Becomes homeless when manic and call 911 once a week when depressed. I’m unfortunately an only child. I don’t need to read an literature on being the child of a bipolar parent. I’ve lived it for most of my life. I’m 41 and have recognized it for 20 years. Her friends tell me they have noticed something my whole life but couldn’t quite put they’re finger on it. Anger has only come into the equation in the last 7 or 8 years and only when I do not comply with her in the manic state. My wife had never met her in the manic period and had only heard stories from my few family members. Until a few months ago, we figured she would stay in the depression for every but that has not been the case. I have learned not to get stressed by her actions and behavior. I know that it is a mental illness that she has no control over. She is in outpatient psychiatric programs and I speak with social workers and the psychiatrist often. I keep her at arms length and control what I can. My number one priority is my family and OUR well being. It is hard to completely shut my mother out. She only has myself and her sister (and a brother with same condition but I don’t count him). She has burned every other bridge imaginable. I feel my only responsibility is to try and keep a roof over her head a little food in the refrigerator. If she screws that up, well my conscience is good. I love my wife, family and mother. I will alway choose my wife and family over my mother and I hope she can just simply believe and accept that as fact. I did not choose her as my mother. I sympathize with anyone that has to deal with this in life and it is helpful to read other peoples stories. I believe that everyone has a part of their life that is out of their control and it always could be worse. We have a good life and unfortunately she throws a wrench into it here and there. We’ll keep reading and hopefully get a new tip once and a while.
One of the things that took me a while to understand was that I had my whole life to adjust to Mom’s bipolar. I had learned selective hearing, and could completely ignore the hurtful things that Mom said. My wife had no idea how to deal with it, and couldn’t understand why I would let offensive things go unchallenged. My thought was that she was an adult, and had to understand that it was Mom’s bipolar talking. And after all, she was my mother.
My wife saw that I said my mother was less important than her, but my actions didn’t always back it up. If she’s talking about divorcing you, then you have to make a choice now and stick to it. Find out what level of contact your wife is comfortable with, set that limit and don’t move it. The rule that I used was that I wouldn’t let Mom treat my family any worse than I would let anyone else treat them. My situation was made more difficult because Dad enables Mom’s bipolar by making excuses for her behavior.
You also have a son that isn’t an issue right now, but will soon be old enough to be affected. Decide now what level of contact your mother will be allowed, and make sure your wife agrees.
Good luck with this. It’s a difficult road we travel.
I am 20 years old with a baby on the way, my mom is bipolar andi can barely stand talking to her. She has always chosen men and drugs over me even when I was a baby. When I was only a year old she left me in a hotel all by myself and took off with a guy. I just find myself filled with so much anger towards her and how she’s treated me my whole life. I would finally get over her not being there when I was younger and then shed decide she wanted to play mommy again. And now that she’s older her issues have gotten so bad because she wouldn’t take her meds and I guess all the dope has messed with her brain she’s absolutly embarrasing to bring around people. She. Will wear sunglasses and will refuse to look at people or talk to them. She draws all this attention to herself and I just can’t bring my boyfriend around her it mortifys me to think I came from this woman. I have a 16 year old sister who lives with her and my mom is always calling me stressing me out telling me she can’t take care of her trying to guilt trip me into taking her. I am 7 and half months pregnant and the way I look at it she can’t and never took care of me and my sister why should I trust her around my baby? I barely want her to come to the baby shower I’m afraid she’s going to make a scene and ruin my day. I love her because she’s my mom but I have no respect for her.
I wanted to bring up the topic of the “enablers.” My father has been enabling my mom’s illness for the past several years by failing to acknowledge her warped perception of the world and supporting any hateful/spiteful/simply mean interactions she has with me or others. I find this almost more painful than dealing with my mom directly. As much as my mother’s actions hurt me, I recognize that she is sick. But my dad is not – he’s the one that should be able to see the lies and the manipulation and the memories of things that either did not happen or are severely altered. He should be able to at least say to us that he realizes her thoughts are not grounded in reality, but he can’t do anything about it.
Why do enablers 1) Put up with the behaviour that I’m sure must be very stressful to live with and 2) Put her needs first to the point that they damage relationships with other significant people in their lives – the ones who could actually offer some respite if they chose?
My mother is not diagnosed, but she has always shown symptoms of bipolar, mostly depression with the odd bout of mania. Her illness went into overdrive, however, when when my first daughter was born 8 years ago. I’ve talked to my family doctor about all of the strange behaviour, and while he said he can’t diagnose her without talking to her, because her sister does have a bipolar diagnosis, it would be his first guess.
When I read other people’s experiences on here about how their mothers can barely survive on their own and the guilt they feel for not helping them, I realize I’m lucky that my dad will always have a roof over her head and food in the fridge (as long as she doesn’t succeed in divorcing him like she says she’s going to even though my dad says I’m lying about that). And I know that it doesn’t matter anyways because I really can’t let either of them into our lives right now because my mother’s illness makes it impossible for them to have any care or concern for us. It still hurts all the same and I know I need to get some counselling to simply be at peace with the situation. But my dad’s reaction to her illness will always remain a hurtful puzzle to me.
Although there are many posts I related to here, yours hit home the hardest. My dad takes a lot of the dailey rage and I grew up thinking he was a saint. Now that I’m order and I suspect BP, she refuses to talk to a doctor. And the order my parents get, the more my dad believes her rants and accuses me, too. The worse part, he’s a doctor and he doesn’t see the patterns & cycles! This last mini episode…”she’s not acting bipolar – you’re the one with a problem.” I can’t express the pain it hurts so much. Just like you, I understand what she does but I can’t wrap my brain about my dad. Is he so afraid of losing her, that he joins in the madness? Is he is so end in the madness, he can’t see reality? Why is he slowing choosing sides instead of us together trying to get her to a doctor? I’ve started to really resent him but oday, it’s just double the hurt.
Hi Sonia,
I know exactly what you mean. I’ve also wondered if my Dad is so afraid of being alone that he will do anything to ignore reality? I also know how hard it is to wonder why our parents can’t see what’s going on when they have the education and work experience to know better. My mother was a social worker and my dad was a vice principal. It puts another level in the mix that makes it all the more hurtful.
My doctor told me that it is not uncommon for aging spouses to ignore/fail to see the other spouse deteriorating, whether it’s mental or physical. But it’s more than that. My dad has clearly made a choice that I have to agree to all of my mom’s lunacy, and if I don’t, then I should consider them dead (he actually wrote that to me a few days before Christmas last year). It was extremely hurtful, but at the same time, it made me realize how broken both he and my mom are.
Now that I have my own children (they are 8 and 5), I realize that my mom (and by extension my dad) don’t have the capacity to love me the way that healthy parents do. I look at my kids and realize there is pretty much nothing they could do – no mistake or poor judgement – that could make me stop loving them. It’s not normal to stop loving your children. Even the parents of children who have done some horrible things still love them. The wackiness of the situation is the result of mental illness, and is not the result of anything I have done, or could rectify in the future.
Every so often I think of an exchange I had with one of them and I find myself getting angry because their reasoning was so messed up. But because I haven’t had contact with them in almost a year I also can reflect on the situation and see it for what it is – a mess created by a disease. I then think of how I could let the anger go and have a relationship if they owned up to the impact of the disease on the people around them. I know that is hardly likely, though, so the best thing is to focus on what I have, which I’m forever grateful for. I’m so lucky for my husband and kids, my work, my community. I have a lot to be thankful for.
I think the best thing for ourselves is to break it off and stay away if the lunacy is too bad. And don’t worry what others think. They would be extremely apologetic if they actually knew what we go through.
I had never considered finding people online who had been through similar experiences. I guess I always thought it would be giving into weakness.
I have read much of what you all have to say and I must say it gives me hope. Thank you. Stay strong!
Reading all these comments really helped me. I’m 29 years old and I believe my Mom is bipolar . This weekend was really bad and I am at my wits end. I live with her, I pay for everything. She refuses to get help and I am not capable of helping her, it’s impossible. She’s been like this my whole life. Right now I have no life. If I wanna go out to hang out with friends she freaks out. So then I get upset and don’t go.She’s controlling my life. I wanna move but if I do, will she commit suicide or how is she gonna pay the bills? I need help? I need suggestions
My mother is bipolar and can be VERY narcissistic. I am 30 and all she has the rest of my family turned their backs on her a long time ago. Some days I really wish that I could do the same,but it’s just not in me. She is under a doctors care and takes meds but I feel like she uses her wonderful (haha) manipulation skills to play the doctor a little.
All she cares about is herself and does everything she can to make others feel sorry for her. Every convo. with her turns into poor me poor me I’m so mistreated! that is the thing I have the MOST trouble dealing with!! ALL THE SELF PITY. Dealing with her is very draining and will make you want to jump off a cliff!!! I have tried talking to (nicely)her about her self pity and the way she makes other people feel but it always ends in a fight. She will ask me “why do people not like me? why do people treat me like this?” and I stupidly will think “okay heres a chance to get her to understand” so I tell her why the easiest way I can! What happens??? I get a full on fight and get told I dont love her ect. GRR….. It’s like she wants to be miserable and blame other people for EVERYTHING nothing is ever her fault. It is killing me. I will never turn my back on her because I know alot of this isn’t her fault but I wish I knew how to step back a little without it turning into a bad falling out!! Any advice? Or does anyone else deal with these same problems? I have many other issues with my mom and I am grateful I found this page!!!! I don’t feel so alone any more! I’m sure I’ll be back A LOT vent about how I just can’t take anymore. LOL I don’t vent about my mom to other people because I feel like I’m feeling sorry for myself just like she does plus people that don’t deal with bipolar DON’T get it at all!
My funny definition of bipolar: the ability to make other people gouge their eyes out and jump off a cliff. I guess being funny about t is my way of dealing with it.
THANKS FOR READING MY RAMBLINGS 🙂 XOXOXO to you all!!!!!
oh sorry I left out a word in my definition of bipolar LOL its really late and been a very long few days please forgive my misspellings and grammar
Bipolar: the ability to make other people WANT TO gouge their eyes out and jump off a cliff.
Ha ha – namegoeshere needs a “like” button on this site! I agree, the incessant blaming of others (me being one of them, of course) is what makes me want to gouge my eyes out. She just can’t understand that she is viewing the world through the lens of mental illness, which skews her perception of reality. I know this intellectually, but dealing with it on an emotional level is not easy. The victimization she feels and the need to attribute this to others has fractured significant relationships in her life. It really bugs me when she repeats the fantasies in her head about what a terrible person I am to other people. Sigh… you just have to let it go. That’s the only advice I have. Be there for her if there is some clarity on her part. If not, live your own life. Your own reaction to the situation and ability to move on are all that you have control over. Be with people who bring positive things into your life, and recognize and be thankful for the good things in your life. Don’t let her illness drag you down. (Written with the caveat that this is much easier said than done!)
I am 17 yrs old and i have a bipolar mother, she’s had bipolar since i was 10 years old. I hate having a bipolar mother, she takes everything out on me, and she has said so many hateful things too me, even though she has bipolar i don’t have the nerve to forgive her for the hurt she has caused me. When i was 16 yrs old, i was diagnosed with depression, so it has been a difficult life style suffering from depression myself and living with a bipolar mother.
I am so sorry you have depression, but it is understandable, since your mother with bipolar cannot give you the love and affection you need. Her anger, which is directed at you, but which is not actually about you, deprives you of the love and care and security that you need to grow and feel loved. If she were a different mother who bathed you in love, you wouldn’t feel depressed. You’d feel cared for. Instead, she expects you to take care of her. That causes depression, when a person’s inner needs are not met. Bathe yourself in the solace and care you need to grow and take care of yourself. Believe me, my sisters and i went through this. Please take care.
I am 17 as well. My mom has had bipolar disorder since I was nine or ten too. We just didn’t figure out what it was until I was twelve. Most of my family members have been suicidal or diagnosed with depression at one point or another due to the effect she has. Most of us still love her very much. My point is if you need someone your age to talk to you can email me at saywhatchaneedtosay@yahoo.com
I was mentioning this blog to my sister in another state. Our stepmother was seriously bipolar. My sister and I laughed painfully last night as I recounted the comenters who’ve said ‘My mother just says, ‘How can you say all this to me? Don’t you know how you’re hurting me and how ungrateful you are and ….on and on and on…’ My sister and my other sister and I also had a mother with schizophrenia (a family of scientists, too)..hahahahahahah. and our mother was so sweet and loving, but sometimes she’d just take off for other parts of the world because she believed she was working for the government. It was a lot easier for us to understand that our mother’s brain rendered her completely incapable of recognizing reality from unreality than it was for us to recognize the same, cold, hard truth about our stepmother. that her puppetmaster brain dangled her fragile emotional state like so many punch and judy shows. Our stepmother was completely incapable of understanding that she was selfish and that reality was very, very different from what she believed, from her self-centered paranoid point of view. In a specific way, a schizophrenic parent who believes something so obviously cockeyed is no different from a parent whose cockamamie filter is also so obviously mentally wrong. the brain dangles their behavior through their nervous system and the victims (the patients) jangle like puppets out of control. If we separate ourselves from their behavior, it is easier to ignore them without feeling guilty. Their elevators (mentally) don’t go all the way to the top floor. Love them at a distance. Yes, Mother. I came to visit for a bit. Thanks. Bye for now. Limited relationships. But we will avoid those horrid fireworks. Sort of. I had to break off with my stepmother twice. Once for two years, the other was for the last 12 years of her life. I did not care about her suffering, nor should I, really, because I could not fix it. As an MD, she should have gotten treatment. To heck with her reputation. Everybody in the family suffered her tantrums and days of bed. Her accusations and manipulations. All the threads here ring true with how my stepmother treated us. I am sure my father’s very early death years ago was partly due to dealing with her. All I am saying is that we can easily distance ourselves from someone who wants to do something nuts because they claim to work for the governement — we love this person at a distance with very little emotional expense from us — and we have to be very distant with a bipolar mother. They will never see reality. Their brains have a puppet master that prevents their neurons from seeing reality, just like the person with schizophrenia can never see reality.
I was diagnosed bp two years ago after a 4-month psychotic episode which ended in a 1-month hospitalization. I have been taking my medication on schedule since a year ago, and my doctors say I am doing well. As a mother of two teenagers though, your posts are a dire warning of what happens when the Mom they need so much becomes unstable. Reading about how terrible your lives have been helps keep me on track. I only want to stay stable for as long as I possibly can. Thank God my children are not avoiding me (yet).
It makes me happy to see you are doing everything in your power to not emotional or maybe physically harm your kids 🙂 you’re a good mommy 🙂
Thank you so much every single person that has posted on this website…it has become my lifeline for dealing with my undiagnoised bipolar mother..for years ( im 35 now and after reading this page and thinking long and hard i belive my mother has had this illness since i was at least 9 or 10 years old) i have battled the arguments and almost pure evilness of my mothers words and actions, she refuses to accept she is bipolar even though myself and my sister have brought up the subject and the doctors have in the past suggested she may well be bipolar..she refuses to be labled with a illness refuses treatment and blames anyone apart from herself.
Her moods swings are dramatic to say the least, one day she can be screaming down the phone about how i dont bring my kids up to her standards, that i dont care and im a waste of space, then the next day day ring up as if nothing has happened. My father who still lives with her all be it seperate life goes through hell, how he puts up with it i will never know, he just is scared to move on as he is now in his late 60`s and is scared of starting again, he has had no life because of my mother as far as i am consurned she has abused him physical and mentally and he is now a shadow of his former -self.
I cut myself off from my mother for 6 years when my children ( i have 4 ) were younger as i could not allow them to see the dramatics and arguments all the time, it wasnt healthy for them. As time past guilt kicked in and i tried to start up a relationship with her again, all was good for about a week then the nasty comments started and my kids began to tell me things she had said to them when she had got them alone, myself and my sister tried to talk to her about her behaviour around the kids, i can deal to a point with her lies,mood swings but my children are not going to have to deal with her crap, she compeletly freaked out, screaming that she is the only one that is normal and everyone else is wrong, she is right no matter what and we are abusing our kids!! That for me was it i will never let my children most of who are now teenagers and have stated theirselfs they dont wish to see their grandmother again. I used to feel guilty and she would get to me and i would think it is me thats wrong..but after spending days reading through this website i feel so much better knowing its not just my family dealing with this….as i read certain comments it could have been me writing them, i just wanted to say thank you for making me realise i am not alone.
Wow…all these posts sound just like my life! My mother is also bipolar. She is also addicted to prescription pain pills…we have a love/tolerate relationship but after dealing with her mean rages, name calling, threats, and childish behavior for decades, I’m just ready to be done!
That is cruel and heartless to say they stay in denial when having bi-polar. This may be true in your case but it doesn’t mean it is in others!
True, some aren’t in denial. It has been my experience, and that of many others, that it is common for them to be in denial. Usually they have help with it from spouses, family & friends that will enable them to stay in denial.
If you read back through the comments, you’ll find several people who are in treatment, and are commended for it.
Hi, i am a 29 year old daughter of a bipolar mother and have always constantly felt singled out and alone because of it. Between friends, co-workers , teachers and boyfriends, I dont think i personally know anyone else who has a bipolar parent. This makes me feel ten times worse as I dont have anyone I can confide in or anyone who can relate to. My fiance is the love of my life and I am thankful for him saving me from living in the insane house i grew up in. However, having grown up in a loving home, I dont think he understands it. Like other posts on this blog, my mother seems to revel in her condition and uses it as an excuse for dragging her family through years of devastation. Oddly enough, the neighbours seem to encourage her without knowing about the full extent of the effect it has had on us. I have felt suicidle as a result of public humialtion and lack of sllep due to the rows and late night ‘episodes’
My mother is currently in hospital sedated after her latest turn. I recently got engaged but cant celebrate it in public for the guilt of what my neighbours would think. People would always find it to easy to judge or makes comments about how we’re not looking after our mother or ‘understanding’ how its not her fault and how ‘she cant help it’. Not one of them have lived with someone with a mental condition. Not one of them have had to be humilated by their own mother at every important stage of their life. My mother would scream at friends who asked me to come out to play when i was a child. The house was always a mess and my clothes were always filthy. Overtime, this would gradually assist in growing a fear in me for inviting people aroung the house. At Aged 18, my Debuatant ball, I was very nervous about having people around the house for fear of what ‘personality’ my mother would be. I was right to be nervous as she went on to get drunk after 2 drinks with an alcoholic neighbour before I even came down down the stairs for photos. She stood in front of evey photo with her middle finger standing up, swore at everyone and banged down a neighbours door and passed out on their sofa. At my 21st she was heavily sedated. I welcome this as it was a contrast to a week previous where she ran to a neighbours house screaming that me and my father where trying to kill her. My father has had to put up with her having affairs, going through a series of breakdowns since i was born and threatening to commit suicide when me and my brother were very young. After her suicide threats, he had to give up work to look after us. In turn, we never had any money and lived on hand-me-down clothes, toys and furniture. I never understood why it was my father who would brush my hair in the morning and dress me in my uniform when my mother was upstairs in bed. I never understood why my father would get drunk until he passed out every night but it all became clear as i got older.
He may have dealt with it wrong in the past, but he had seemed to be able to deal with it better up until recently. He’s is now breaking down after her latest turn. This is worst ive seen him and he sounded completley drained on the phone. Me and my brother have not spoken in years as a result of the rows and breakdown. He would hide himself in his room and leave me to deal with the rows and breakdowns. This all became too much for me, so when I got asked to go overseas withs my partner, I grabbed the opportunity with both hands. I have never felt any bond with my mother. When I got my first period, she ran downstairs to tell my dad, brother and uncle that i got my first bleed. She seemed to take joy in humiliating me and my dad, uncle and brother did know where to look. The guilt I feel for not having a bond with my mother kills me. Every girl I know would be disgusted if they knew this. I know im not an evil person as im very loving to my friends, fiance and all of their parents. Its like im over-compensating for the love I cant give at home. As much as i would love the idea of celebrating a wedding with my friends, I am terrified for the fear of my mother ruining the day. Some might suggest that I run off and get married in a registry office, but this would absoloutely destroy and fiances family, my father and my friends. I looked forward to being a mother one day and giving them am entirely different environment to what I grew up in. I love my father and am terrified that he might deteriorate drastically over the lastest episode. However I am too afraid to go back and be any near my mother for fear of my own mental health being put back to square one. I have come a long way to get this far and find someone who loves me and looks after me this like my fiance. I hope there are other people on here who have experienced some of the same things I have mentioned
Holly,
I just want to say how much I relate to everything you’ve posted here. Your story is almost exactly like my own. Something you may want to consider is that your mom might have narcissistic personality disorder or some narcissism issues that are working alongside the bipolar. It is very common for those two conditions to occur together. I know my bipolar parent has both and as a child I was always humiliated for having feelings, emotions, or for being “oversensitive.”
I am a mom and can also relate to what you said about wanting to give your children a better life than what you had. I do my best to be an amazing mom to my children and try to be the mom I always wanted to have myself. I make sure their life is full of smiles, songs, creativity, and life building experiences every single day. I don’t humiliate them and support them in every way can. So different from what I had growing up.
I wish I could tell you that becoming a mother has somehow made my childhood with a bipolar mother somehow less painful or that being a good mom myself made it all go away. It hasn’t. In many ways being a mom has brought up all these buried feelings and experiences from childhood. Thank heavens for my spouse. He listens to me and is an amazing support. I hope that the person you are marrying is a good listener and support person. Something else to think about is that once you have children, you will also have the added responsibility of protecting them from your dysfunctional or abusive relatives. Don’t let your kids go through the same hell you did.
I do think you are right that your family (ie mom) will try to ruin your wedding day. I only say that because my family did the very same thing to me. I would highly recommend sitting down with your in-laws and having a frank conversation with them about your mother’s illness and what that entails. Most people will be compassionate once you explain it to them and they will probably understand your decision to elope if you justify it that way. If they still don’t approve, too bad .Your wedding day is about two people, you and your fiance. No one else’s preferences matter.
Hang in there my dear!
Thank you Sari. My mother is now out of hosptial and I spoke to her on the phone for the first time in months. People might expect me to be overjoyed at the fact that shes back home and out of hospital. To be honest, I would be happier with her back in hosptial with the professionals. Shes back into her euphoric state and revelling with joy at the fact that every was so worried about her and everyone took time off work to see ‘HER’. I felt uncomfortable from the moment she came on the phone, she kept speaking in a very smarmy self-pitying tone. Everyone thinks its great thats shes in high spirits now but we(the family) know what comes next after she stops getting attention. She will have another breakdown, hit the bottle and blame everyone for how ‘bad’ her life is. The last time she stop getting the cards and flowers, she claimed to have found a lump on her breast. I knew she was lying but everyone was sick with worry and took her to doctors. Needless to say, there was no lump. I thought that was one of her lowest blows. My dads sisters died of breast cancer 20 years previous and she knew that devestasted him. She knew EXACTLY what would trigger his worry.
My partner and his family do know my mother is mentally ill, and I dont think they would put up too much of an argument if i suggested no big fancy wedding. Theres also the element that I would actually like the big white wedding myself and i dont want one person to take that day away from me. You only have one life, im still young yet and I cant allow that one day to be taken away from me. I would not confide too many details with my partner and his family them about her past. My partners parents are seperated, but they still know how to be diplomatic around each other and would not dream of ruining their sons day. That puts my mother to shame. My partners mother had a hard childhood, raised 7 kids more or less on her own and never complains about anything in life. I tried to look into my mothers past to figure out if there is anything that could of contributed to the way she is now..but nothing! She grew up in a loving home and has a close relationship with her siblings. The only thing i can think of is that her family may have slightly had catholic guilt burdened on them, but that not to the the point it was extreme. They were no different to any other family growing up in the 60’s and she had boyfriends, friends and a social life like any other teengaer. Like all other people who have not grown up with this, I dont think they would know what to say. People understand cancer, bone marrow desase, liver failure etc..but they dont understand growing up with mental illness..therefore they wont talk about it. I kind of understand that and I do often think ‘what way would i react’ if i was on the otherside of the fence? I could possibly turn a blind eye. I would hate to think that i would turn a blind eye, but it could happen and people have their own problems to deal with.
I have come to realise that having kids wont erase the pain or my memory of what I grew up in. However watching my kids grow up happy, confident, never anxious and always proud of their mother would be enough for me.
Growing up my mother had severe asthma. She was put on a very high dose of predisone. Well at age 5 my stepfather began molesting me. My mother new about but did nothing. During my teenage I started gaining a lot of weight, hair became brittle , had round moon face and hump on upper back, facial hair, and no menstrual cycle which are all systems of cushions disease caused from lenghtly exposure to drugs like predisone. It wasn’t untill I was about 32 that I put 2 and 2 together and figured my mother had been doping me with predisone due to jealously of because of her child molesting husband. Testing on children who have parents or grandparents on these types of drugs should be made mandatory. My mother had become completely evil but I had no way to prove what she had done to me. Fortunately she died about a year and a half after figured outr what she had been doing.
I can’t type much right now but……it’s just a really draining experience….it’s not always bad, don’t get me wrong, but when it’s bad….boy is it bad…. And it always seems like its the bad times that stick out in my memory the most….im about to be 18 and about to graduate and I just know….I just know that if I want to go to college, I can’t be here, living with her. It would be to much of a distraction and emotional draining….I love my mom, I really do, but I already know that once I try to move out, she’s going to be completely against it and guilt trip me…I just don’t know how to make her understand….
I had the same experience. I’m 24 now but when I was in my senior year of High School I had to decide if I was going to stay and let my mom continue to drain me of energy or if I was going to do something to improve my situation. I chose college five hours away. My first semester she stopped speaking to me over something dumb and since then she’s been doing things that try and put a hitch in my plans. I have made a conscious decision to keep pursuing school because I’m going to Law School this fall. My mother is unmarried so I am well aware that in the future she will be my burden to care for. Pursuing my education was a choice that I made because it made me happy but also because I knew in the future I would be able to make more money to support myself and my mother.
She doesn’t have to be your burden. Remember you might have children someday to consider.
I used to think my bipolar parent would end up living with me in their elder years when they became to ill to care for themself. Honestly, now that I have my own children, there is no way in hell I would let my bipolar parent move in. I need to protect my children from that nightmare…the constant ups and downs, suicide threats, death and depression followed by sudden euphoria and impulsive behavior. I love my bipolar parent dearly, but my children’s health and well being come first, always!
I’ve been a long term reader here and wanted to let you all know that I have set up a Facebook support group specifically for Children of Bipolar Parents. All are welcome to join. This page was definitely one of my inspriations in creating it, but I also created it because I am tired of feeling so alone in this. The page is completely non-profit and I do not earn any money from people liking the page or using the page. Feel free to swing in if you need some support or want to share your story.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Children-of-Bipolar-Parents/365532973488005
I found the page by typing in: children of bipolar parents. the ink you provided doesn’t work, but the words ‘children of bipolar parents’ will get readers there.
Sorry about that! You are correct. Just type that in and you will find our community.
I am not sure if I am the only one who is uncomfortable with this but, this site is called mybipolarmother not if you’re bipolar please comment and discount our experiences. When you are the child of a bipolar mother, life is not normal or average. No matter how hard you try or how well medicated your parent is there are still horrible days and those are the experiences that are seared into you memory. When you’re growing up with a bipolar parent you have no one to share the experience with. The likelihood of a friend having the same experience or even understanding what bipolar is, does not exist.
This site is great because for the first time in my life, there are other people who understand the experiences that I have had. But I have a huge problem with those on this site who feel the need to talk down on others experiences and give them negative feedback. This is meant to be cathartic.
My mother is bipolar. I love her and would do anything for her but, there comes a time in everyone’s life when you need to make the decision: will you continue to live your life for her or for you? Please don’t make anyone on this site feel worse about their situation. They are here for support. If they wanted abusive comments, passive aggressiveness and guilt they would call their bipolar mother.
All of the comments here go through moderation, and I don’t release ones that I’m not comfortable with. There have been very few, and two have ended up as their own posts.
I don’t feel the need to restrict more, because the posts from bipolar mothers usually fall into one of two categories; those getting treatment and trying to do as well as they can with the hand they’ve been dealt, and those that can serve as an example of how vile and hateful bipolar mothers can be. Both are welcome to comment here, and both serve a purpose. The first reminds us that there is the potential for treatment and healing, and that at the core they are still people. The second warns us of the result of refusing that treatment.
I assume that a number of readers here are not bipolar or children of bipolar, but merely curious. Those comments may help them understand a little better.
I agree. I was going to add to your previous comment that you are very strong for doing all that you do, for planning ahead selflessly for your mother. I only knew recently that my stepmother was bipolar. We didn’t know until after she died. The blame, the rapid cycling, the manipulations, the petty spite…she cut me off when I was 20 after my father died (my parents were scientists)…all of …everything left my sisters and me scrambling in the air with our feet dangling for years…
obviously, it doesnt matter what a bi-polar person does or doesnt do some infantile person who is suscepted to them will find a reason to use any excuse not to be around them. gee i was raised by an alcoholic who viciously beat my mother everyday and us kids, now my older sister is gay, my two other siblings are co-dependent alcoholics and drugaddicts, and my oldest sibling died on the streets of atlantic city, how would a child liked to be raised by any of them rather than a bi-polar parent, quit sniveling you whiny babies, walk a mile in someone elses shoes before you start judging. my daughter still comes to me for advice and help and im always there for her to do whatever in my p[ower to do oh but that makes me crazy and egotistical thats my illness talking that my daughter is still happily in my life and my grandchioldren despite my “horrible” illness cuz she knows it could of been a hell of alot worse if i was afflicted with addictions ainstead of a god given illness.
Christine,
You are becoming offensive. Any more abusive comments will be deleted. Please see my ‘About’ page for the criteria for approving comments.
Please learn punctuation and use it. A dictionary might help too, as ‘suscept’ is the host for a parasite. An occasional capital letter wouldn’t hurt.
Some have asked why I let bipolars post at all, since my blog is about my bipolar mother. Here’s why:
First, note the free-flow of the comment. I would guess that christine is hypo-manic. The hostile tone also is symptomatic of hypo-mania. There are only TWO sentences, everything else is train-of-thought separated by occasional commas.
Second, the belief that anyone who disagrees with them are ‘babies’ or ‘infantile’. Her mind is running at twice the speed of a normal person, therefore she is superior while everyone else is deficient. Unfortunately, the price for running hot is the complete lack of ability to rationally analyze those thoughts.
Third, there is a complete lack of understanding that actions have consequences. Why else would a bipolar post hateful comments on a site for children who have been adversely affected by bipolar parents?
Finally, and this is not clear in this comment, a bipolar in hypo-mania enjoys the feeling of power. She says that she was a better parent than her siblings with addictions, and that bipolar was ‘god given’. The truth is that bipolar is a mental disorder AND an addiction to the highs that come with it.
If you’ve never experienced a bipolar in hypo-mania, just imagine that comment being read at top speed. That would come close. Or you could go to some of the answering machine messages that I’ve posted on youtube.
And yes, christine is the commenter that ended up as the post ‘An Example‘
I felt the collective sigh of the people on this site when I read Christine’s comment. It also reaffirmed the symptoms that I see in my own mother as she writes emails exactly like this one, punctuation and all (My mother hasn’t been formally diagnosed to my knowledge, but her sister was diagnosed in the 1970s and has been on medication ever since. From reading this site, however, I’ve realized that getting a diagnosis will not necessarily fix the situation and so I’ve stopped thinking that will be the panacea).
It’s too bad Christine doesn’t see the parallels between alcohol/drug addiction and bipolar disorder. Both are diseases that can be treated, but people who suffer from either affliction have to come to the personal conclusion that they need to seek help. Left untreated, both afflictions wreak havoc in the lives of those around the people who suffer from them. (I have both in my family and I personally would rather deal with the addict).
I really hope Christine’s daughter finds this site, because I’m sure she would find some comfort here.
I’m worn down. Truly worn down. I’m at a loss for what to do.
Last night did nothing to help either. I came home last night to find my mother screaming at me again. Apparently I lost her credit card. The credit card I promptly handed back to her after submitting my deposit for school. The one SHE lost. THAT one. And, as many of you know from firsthand experience, she quickly resorted to degrading me and threatening to kick me out. I’m a “piece of s*** that is more useful dead” and so on. She has never been more disappointed in a person etc. She knows all too well how to take my insecurities and throw them right back in my face. By the end of these conversations I logically know its all not true but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like I’m a waste of space.
So my dad kept her distracted for a bit and I took the chance to use the restroom. Then I hear something smash into the wall and jump up and rush out (pants on the ground). I was just in time for me to shove my crying 15 year old sister into the bathroom. My mom had hit her. I still can’t believe it. After an intense struggle over the door I managed to shut and lock it. So then I was sitting on the floor trying to stop Mimi’s tears while my mom tried to break down the door. I had never been so angry at my mom in my life.
I usually never get angry at her. I know perfectly well she can’t help it. And she has been seeking help most of the time. Even with psychiatric help and medicine she is completely uncontrollable.
My mother has hit me before. I wouldn’t call it a regular thing but each time it just reminded me to be watchful of Mimi. Mom doesn’t even remember and I never told my dad. I just made sure to keep my sister the hell away from her whenever she was even slightly unstable.
Somewhere along the way Mimi grew up and I couldn’t treat her like a child anymore. I have always felt as protective as if she were my child. In many ways she was my daughter as well as my best friend. My mom was absent even when she was there; she would sleep all day or rant for days in a row. It kinda went unsaid that I was in charge of Mimi. I mean she was only six or seven, and it’s not like my older brother had the patience to stay with the family most of the time. Whenever my mom was like that it was like I lost both parents. My dad would be ‘absent’ as well. I guess just wrapped up in my mom’s pace and problems. Not his fault. We were fine on our own anyways.
Usually what got mom mad enough to hit me was when I ‘acted like the mom in this family’. So I had to tiptoe on the line between keeping the peace by allowing my mom to feel like a parent and taking care of Mimi myself. But honestly when you’re insulting my Mimi and making her cry do you think I’m just going to stand by and watch? So then mom would always get mad and jump me, saying who was it who took me to all my volleyball practices (It was me on a damn bike even in the pouring rain) and who took Mimi to all her track practices and friends houses (again me, first on a bike and then in a car when I was old enough).
So anyways last night I just couldn’t do it. She had decked my sister for ‘looking at her funny’. I packed a bag for Mimi and me and set them by the door. But the thing is I couldn’t go anywhere. I love my mom so much and I knew that if Dad and I took Mimi somewhere for the night Mom would kill herself again. So instead I sent my dad in for her medicines and spent the night being degraded and making sure she didn’t off herself again. Then I watched a movie and got Mimi to sleep.
I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do next year. I’m a senior in high school, starting college in the fall. I know Mimi doesn’t want me to leave but I know she would never forgive herself if I stayed. I know my dad is still here to watch out for her but he has to work. And plus he was always more evenly torn between what was best for mom and what was best for us. I had chosen Mimi as my priority because who else was going to?
She always says how much she does for us but I can’t even ask to go to the doctor without it being thrown in my face. I had an extremely severe case of insomnia from age 11 until last year. It got to the point where I only slept three hours once every three or four days. If any of you have been that sleep deprived you might know that after four days sometimes you start to hallucinate. I could deal with the rest of it but one day, sophomore year, I let down my volleyball team again in a game (precision sports and zombie-like movements don’t mix). I just couldn’t do it anymore and asked my dad to take me to the doctor. He did. But then I had to listen to my mom for hours as she told me I was making it up to waste her money. That was the first and last time I can remember complaining.
I know perfectly well I’m babbling senselessly. I haven’t slept in a while and it’s not like I have friends who understand this. Even if I did I hate talking to people. I have been doing this for ten years and I’m tired of smiling all the time and I don’t know how to stop smiling. And I’m still babbling. I just need some sleep. Thanks to mommy dearest it’s been over two days. Night.
Hi Willow,
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. You have a huge burden in your life at a time when you should be excited about carving out your own life for yourself. I can tell you are not (to quote your words) a waste of space.You write well, you have enormous empathy for your sister, and you have great plans for your future. Don’t give up on going to college because that will be key to getting you out of this situation and allowing you to separate yourself from your mother. You have the qualities to be a success, and I feel badly that your mom’s disease prevents her from being excited for you at this time of your life like she would be if she were healthy.
Secondly, no one deserves to be hit (not even our bipolar mothers when they are at their craziest). Your mother simply should not hit you or your sister under any circumstances. It’s assault.
Your dad has totally dropped the ball. It’s his legal, moral and ethical duty to protect you and take care of your well-being, including from your mother’s disease. I would start by telling him what has happened and ask him how he is going to prevent it from happening again. If he is unable to do this, you need to find someone who will. Tell a teacher you like, a pastor, a family member, a friend’s parent – keep telling people until you find someone who will listen. If your mom has no control and hits you, what happens if next time she picks up a knife? In Canada you can call the Kids Help Phone from anywhere – 1-800-668-6868. In the US you can call ChildHelp at 1-800-4-A-CHILD. Please call as soon as you read this.It can’t wait… and let us know how you’re doing because I’m sure a lot of us our worried.
HH,
As I stated before, it’s a rare occurrence. And I truly mean rare as in only once every two years. Though, that is probably because I am practiced at balancing mom’s feelings.
In my last post, I irresponsibly failed to mention my dad’s full part in everything. He does, in fact, do his best to protect us. Physically, he won’t stand for us being harmed. He would put himself in front of me the way I would for Mimi. The other night, he was downstairs and when he didn’t find my mother down there he came up to find us. It just happened to be a while after the fact. I immediately told him what happened and it truly upset him. He had never thought she would hit us. Though I told him about this time with Mimi, I still have not told him about the times in the past where I have been hit, and I have no intention to. I apologize if I made it sound like a regular occurrence.
Emotionally, the lines are less distinct. My father has to balance the well being of both my mother and us. So, when mom is screaming at one of us, he is torn as to when to step in and it is hard for him to protect either side. Me on the other hand, I choose my sister but still love my mom. It’s too late to save mom’s childhood. Plus, if I don’t walk in and pull her out of the situation, who would? I only can because I know if I’m handling Mimi, I can trust him to handle mom. No, he has not done well in protecting us from verbal abuse. Neither have I, though.
Sometimes, I’d rather she hit me. A bruise heals, your mental state doesn’t.
Willow
2 comments from christine filtered.
Christine, I dont know know what kind of posts your putting up that are getting filtered, but seriously..climb out of your own arse. You mention you had a tough childhood and and your sister is gay? So what? Are you the only person out of 7 billion who had a bad childhood? Are you also a homophobe by the way? I know a woman who was sexually abused by her own father, beaten by her ex husband, lost one sibling to drugs and the other to cancer, made redundant, lived of scraps and coupons and had several miscarraiges. She didnt tell me about this..her sister did. After all she has been through, she still turned out to be an absoloute star of a person. She has her own kids now and makes it her mission everyday to make sure they never had the life she had. She never inflicts her problems on them and point blank refuses to let them find out any of the things I have mentioned that happend to her. As far as her sister tells me, she sees a counsellor once a month and allows that time to be the only time she cries. THAT is what a real mother should be. A mother that has problems and scars like everyone else, but never uses it to her advantage and NEVER inflicts it on her children. You say you would like to see people walk a mile in your shoes? We have all walked in your shoes and trust me its longer distance when your child rather that the bipolar parent. I had a crap childhood because of someone with your illness, but I dont spend my day feeling sorry for myself or taking it out on others. Growing up with a bipolar parent can be as bad as growing up with heroin addicted parents. Their both selfish people want to blame anyone but themselves on their addiction. Your addiction is the euphoric feeling you get when you dont take your meds. You are also addicted to the attention you get from doctors, neighbours and family everytime you have an episode. Not too different from a hypercondriac actually
My Mam has had bipolar since she was a teenager. All my life she has had bipolar she always gets ill every year. She goes really manic and she refuses to go to hospital then she is signed in when she does something really really mad.. I feel mean for saying this but she wrecked my life and she thinks she is a great mother. Well when she is not ill she is kind and good, But she thinks she is the queen b and that everybody should treat her like a saint. If I dont ring or text her for a day she will ring and call me names saying how dare you, I am your mother treat me with respect and she would then send me about 6 really long messages giving out to me putting me down calling me names and then about 3 hours later she would ring me asking how I am as if nothing happened it really messes with my head. Since I was a child I was left to look after my Mam when she was manic my dad would leave the house and go off leaving me to look after her and my little brother.. She would drive me crazy she had me running hear and there for her I got no sleep as she did not sleep when she was ill she would wreck the house. Like bringing rubbish into the house,smashing the windows, singing her head off and smoking her brains out aswell as drinking. She also brought weirdos into the house thinking she could help them… I would try my best to control everything and get her well again I never got any thanks for it all I got was a lecture off her saying that im a disgrace and she is very proud of my sisters(who were at their dads when she was unwell we had different dads) and she was not proud of me she said other horrible stuff to me that i will never forget i try to let them go away but i cant my mam is so good at manipulating everyone.She was also violent towards me when i was a child and she always say that she has necer hit me when she has done plenty of times. One day i got so mad at her i was almost ready to commit suicide she came into my room throwing things all over the place i jumped up and pushed her she went ape she told everyone i gave her a really bad beating she made everything look worse. She still brings it up to this day. She thinks that she is the secretary of the lord! Because of her illness i was always judged by people they would always be talking about me and calling my mam mad.. It was really hard in secondary school my mam would always make a show of me in school she would sing to teachers and tell them poetry she came into my class one day high as a kite telling everyone that i fancied this guy that i hated.. I remember i had my junior cert exam on and 10 minutes before that she was sent to hospital and i nearly missed it because of this and i had to find a babysitter for my little brother.. Anytime i wanted something off her she made me cry and beg for it and then she would give me it to me when it is too late. She makes me so angry i came onto this because she is starting to get high again and i cant deal with this. She keeps interfering with my life and ruining it. Im now 20 and i am not even living near her and she is managing to make me so angry and upset. I had a meeting in 2 days to get an apartment and my Mam rang me today saying that they rang her up changing the appointment which is a lie because they dont have her number and i wouldnt be stupid enough to give them her number anyways i found out she started sayin a load of crap to them making a show of me. I rang my mam back asking her why did she ring them she started screaming down the phone at me saying they rang her which is lies. She has ruined my childhood and now at 20 years of age she is still managing to ruin my life.
Hi there
I dont know your name but you sounds like your from the same neck of the woods as me. Alot of the things you have mentioned are identical to my mam…the house being wrecked, the crazy singing, smoking and drinking cans. My brother and dad would also leave me to it (to look after her) but I wanted nothing to do with her. Your brothers younger than you so at least he has the excuse of being too young to know whats going on. Your not mean for thinking she wrecked your life because I feel the same way about my mam. I was great in school up until the 2nd year of secondary school. Then the late night sessions and rows she would caused stopped me getting any sleep. When I was a teenager I thought I would grow out of it and she would get better but nothing has changed. I did a lot of things I reget as a teenager and I put down to the fact that i was prepared to do anything to get out of the house. I used to roam the streets crying while trying to keep my face covered with a hoody. All because i didnt want to knock on my friends doors to tell them what happened. (There was alot of incidents in the house surrounding her, alcohol and police turning up) . My friends know my mams mad but they seem to be too embarrased to ask any questions. I also see the dirty looks from everyone else who noticed her irratic behaviour. Im too ashamed to have her and any of my friends or boyfriend in the same room, because shes never in normal mode. She always agitated or pulling mad facial expressions. Im 29 now and shes probably worse than what she was 10 years ago. Shes on another ‘high’ now after coming out of hospital and lapping up the attention. She doesnt give a s*** that everyones financally and emotionally drained beacuse of her. My dad who always seemed to able to hold himself together is now having a nervous breakdown because of it. You should try to stick with your sisters and their dads to keep yourself sane. I know their dads are not your immediate family but maybe you should surround yourself with them rather making yourself misreable being anywhere near your mother. Its what i did…I clung onto my friends mothers and my boyfriends mother. It was the only thing that made feel a better for never really having a mother of my own. People with bipolar are very good at convincing everyone that they’re victims and not being looked after. My mother did the same and when she ran on the street screaming that ‘i was trying to kill her’..that was the final straw. I know if i didnt move out when i did, i would probably end up killing myself. I moved out at 22 and its the best thing I ever did. Im on a different continent now and thats not far enough. Im forced to speak to her on the phone when i ring home to my dad and i have to say its the worst 10 minutes that I dread every 2 week. Its like speaking to a four year old child and not a grown woman. The thing you need to know is that your mam is probably ‘higher’ when she actually doesn’t take her medication (im assuming shes on meds?). My mother purposely doesnt take her meds because she feels higher when shes not on them. A doctor was called to our house once, and I overheard him saying something like ‘people with bipolar get a similar feeling of euphoria not taking their meds..as a drug addict would get when they shoot up on heroin’ So that just proves to me how selfish bipolar people are when they choose getting high’ over being a proper mother to their kids. This is going to sound dramatic but if i was born to an actual heroin addict it might have been better. That way, I would have been taken off them at birth and given up for adoption by a decent family. The social services dont think that a child living with a bipolar parent or heroin addict would be anywhere in the same range. I think they might rethink that after reading a few of these posts.
Anyway, hang in there girl. I hope you do get an apartment or somewhere else to live. Your not alone and keep reading through all these posts to heep yourself sane. x
*edited for profanity
My mum was diagnosed with alcoholism years ago, but she could go months without drinking then she would crash and get very drunk, just recently the doctor informed her that she had been misdiagnosed, she isn’t an alcoholic, she in fact has bipolar and alcohol problems. Last year my mum hadn’t been acting herself for a few days, I asked her what was wrong and if she’ been smoking something. I went with her to a late night gig and she went in the bathroom before she went on stage and she must have taken pills or something, because she collapsed on stage and was rushed to hospital. She overdosed on prescription drugs. It was the scariest night of my life, and now I have flashbacks and panic attacks. I love my mum so so incredibly much. It was only the disease that was doing this, not her. Now that she’s been diagnosed, she’s being put on the right medications and hopefully her moods will from now on be stabilized. My mum means so much to me, please pray for her to get better.
I’m a 26 year old mother with bi polar. And it is very hard to cope either with medication from doctors or not. I feel so sad to hear all I have read and it worries me. Will my daughter hate me one day? I haven’t done most of anything I have read ( thank god) and I’m not sure I ever would. I think most of your mothers had other issues on top of bi polar. Because I was terrible mood swings and lash out. But I know if I’m hurting someones feelings and always tell them I’m sorry afterwards. I’m not perfect but it sounds like there is more going on then bi polar. I really hope it doesn’t turn out like that. I’m sure it’s hard for the children but imagine being a mother having to live like that and always wishing you could be normal like everyone else…. it’s a horrible illness and it can’t be fixed I have tried everything and have had it over 15 years. It’s sounds like you all need counseling as well for PTSD. I know I would if I had to deal with that. But imagine this your mother really doesn’t want to have bi polar or live her life the way she does. In a lot of the messages most of you sound like you may have it slightly as well.
I think that the biggest difference between my mother and you is that you have accepted the diagnosis and are actively doing something about it.
Keep it up, and be honest with your kids about it. As long as you are doing your best to keep it at bay, they should recognize it.
And my mother is in denial that she has bipolar, but really enjoys the energy that the mania gives her.
Have been having a feeling something has been wrong with my Mom I am married with two childrn the dr told me she is bi polar in the manic stage. I need to take her to the dr mon to have him tel her the dignosis and i am afraid i dont know how to handle this she has always been there for me and i dint know how to be there for her i think she is going to reak out she already threatened peopletheree is so much more on my mind that has been done i need to know how to cipe with this
I’m pretty hopeful for the future. For the first time since I turned twelve I have found a future where I don’t have to choose between sacrificing going to college for the sake of staying with my sister or leaving her behind.
A lot has happened since my last post, though its only been a little while. A few weeks ago, my mom and I had a huge fight that lasted for hours. She berated me for hours then screamed that if I didn’t have a job in the next two days she was kicking me out. It’s not the first time, but might be the last since I’m moving out at the end of the summer.
So I got a job, which I had been planning to do in a month anyways once I got out of school. I started two days later, but I literally had to shove my mother out of the way to get out of the house. Apparently, I was not supposed to get a job until school was out. Got a bit physical but I left with her throwing things at me as I drove away.
I went to work and left my phone in the car so I wouldn’t have to deal with her. My sister wasn’t supposed to be home until morning. My brother was home for the summer and his girlfriend was staying with us as well as her dog. I got off around ten that night and checked my phone. I had the expected amount of calls and texts from my mother and all of them were harsh and cruel. What really mattered though was that my sister had called me several times. Mimi’s sleepover had been cancelled and she was wandering around nearby neighborhoods cause she couldn’t go in our house. We had to hide outside the house for hours because my mom kept raging about me and my brother.
Eventually, I managed to sneak both of us inside without my mother noticing and sent Mimi upstairs to pack bags again. I was shocked at the state of the house. the stair rail was gone. Not just broken, but completely wrenched off the stairs. There was some dark liquid splattered all over the living room wall (later found out it was coffee). There was broken glass everywhere. The couch was on its side. The house was trashed.
I got the story from my dad and found out my brother and my mom had a huge fight. The cause was my mother deciding she didn’t want my brother’s girlfriend’s dog here anymore, so she let it out into the neighborhood. That is something you just DON’T do to somebody else’s pet. The effect of this was that my brother ended up pointing a knife at my mom and threatening to kill her if she ever laid a hand on me or my sister again. My mom wouldn’t let him take his car (my parents had paid for it) so my brother and his girlfriend left town in her car. He was also kicked off the family phone plan and cut off financially.
The next weekend was my prom weekend. I wanted my mother to have nothing to do with my prom which may sound bad but is true. She ruins everything important to me and if she doesn’t ruin it completely, she turns it into a pity fest for her. I just wanted one event in my life to be about me and NOT her and her feelings. Since the fight the week before it had been nonstop screaming at me all week. So somewhere in between all this a mirror winds up broken, with the shards in my feet.
With one ankle sprained and one foot filled with shards I couldn’t get out, I strapped on three inch heels and had a perfect prom weekend.
Prom was perfect despite her and somehow I managed to enjoy my graduation as well. She turned graduation into her own pity party. Apparently she was “too ashamed” of me and the school I was going to and what an awful person I am to possibly be seen at my graduation. That pissed me off. It also pissed me off every time a friends parent came up to me and told me how proud my parents must be of me. The only times my mother has ever told me she was proud of me were when she wanted to make herself feel better as a parent.
I am in the top ten percent of my graduating class of 900 at one of the best schools in all of Texas. I earned a 2310 on my SAT and had several honor society decorations and had many awards. And she is too damn ashamed of me.
I was pretty angry about that when she called me so I started taking shots. I had been at a friends house already drinking bloody marys but just needed a little extra something.
My dad and I had a little heart to heart and I finally got him to understand that Mimi could not stay here for the next two years. So far he isn’t helping me but he isn’t opposing me and I can probably get his help later on. I’m looking up boarding schools near where me and one of my older brothers will be living. That way I can be with her on the weekends. I’m also looking up in DC cause I have another brother up there. If need be I might even be able to ask that brother to house her and let her live up there so she can go to public school.
Either way I now have a future I can look forward to. A future with a possible happy ending.
And for anybody who read this far: thank you. I just needed to say this to somebody. Anybody.
Also sorry for the excessive detail.
Willow
Congratulations, Willow! You should be so proud of your marks, getting a job, and getting into college. As the daugher of a bipolar mother and the proud mom of two little girls, I’m constantly struck about how my mom is unable to feel the same way about me that I do about my own girls. I understand now how she would feel if she were healthy, and how abnormal her behaviour is because she is unhealthy. As a mother, my instinct is to want to hug every child who is dealing with this because it is not how it should be. But it is reality.
I know how much it hurts that your mom can’t feel proud and excited for you. Unfortunately she never will. The sooner you can let go of the idea that she should be, the easier it will be for you. Lots of us feel so good about what we’ve done for ourselves and others throughout our lives, and yet our bipolar mothers will always find fault with something or other. The trick is to see that for what it is – a sick mind that can’t focus on anyone but themselves.
Don’t feel guilty for not wanting her at your grad. You deserve to celebrate, and you should be able to do that without the cloud that your mother would have brought. I’m at the stage of my life where some significant people are aging and might not be around much longer. I’ve questioned whether I will tell my mom about their funerals, because when that terrible time happens I don’t want her to turn the grieving process into something that’s all about her.
I hope you are able to find a better place for your sister. I still think your Dad needs to step up to the plate and make her environment safe. As a parent, your first obligation is to your children, not your spouse. Underage children don’t have choice, and have the right to live in a healthy environment. Parents are obligated to provide this (anything less is neglect – which has legal as well as moral implications). My husband is wonderful, but if he presented some kind of threat to my children whether mental, physical, or sexual, I’m legally obligated to mitigate that threat.
Thanks for the update and good luck with your future. You are doing everything right to be a success! Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you go through rough patches. Many of us have found counselling effective for sorting through the mess our mothers have made. I wish you the best!!!!!
HH, thanks for the reply. It means a lot to me. I have already begun the transition from hoping she will be proud of me to giving up on her having consistent motherly feelings. It’s enough that my dad is proud of me.
Speaking of my dad. He is not being nearly as much help as I had hoped for. I don’t know exactly what I was expecting, but this certainly wasn’t it. This is the first time I really asked him for help and he is not taking it seriously. Whenever I go to talk to him about options for Mimi next year, all he does is sit there and point out flaws in each of my ideas. He doesn’t contribute any ideas to the conversation. Many of his points were valid, but it doesn’t change the fact that his behavior is unhelpful.
He said “I know that things are not okay as they are but we can’t do anything if the alternatives are worse.” That kinda pissed me off since he hadn’t even really looked into the alternatives. At one point he even said “Mimi still needs parents.” Which is true since she is still fifteen. But I don’t see how a mother who emotionally abuses her children daily and a father who tries but fails to protect his children can provide a decent parenting system. Heck, growing up they were completely nonexistent as parents for years at a time.
Knowing my dad he will procrastinate indefinitely, convincing himself he is giving it serious thought while really settling for the staus quo.
I’m at the end of my rope. Does anyone have any ideas? Boarding school is too expensive and would jeopardize her chance to afford a decent college. I had considered transferring colleges after first semester to a school where I’d be allowed an apartment after freshman year and just having her live with me. It’s too late now to try to stay for two years of community college. And the only relatives I can think of to take her in are on my mom’s side and so wouldn’t ‘take her children away from her. I considered trying for family friends a town over but I think it might be the same situation. And as you can imagine any one of these options would likely end in another suicide attempt on my mothers part.
I don’t know how to make my dad see reason. Or at least I don’t know how to make our priorities match. It makes it even harder since my mom has been reasonable and happy as of late.
Hi Willow,
It’s a difficult situation that you are dealing with. I think it might be best to talk to a school counsellor, pastor, or someone who knows your family. Is there are friend of your Dad’s who you feel comfortable with and who could help him figure out what to do? This really shouldn’t be on your shoulders – your Dad should be figuring out what’s best for your sister. I wish I had a magic wand to wave for you…!
HH,
Did you ever come to a decision on whether or not to inform your mother of certain peoples deaths? I hope you are doing well. You helped me a lot this summer.
Willow
Hi Willow,
Fortunately I haven’t been forced to make that decision yet. Thankfully the people I’m worried about have had their health improve in the last couple of months, so I won’t have to make that decision in the near future.
I’m still uncertain about what I will do. My mom has indicated that one person is “a shell of the man she once knew” and that she never liked the other person. She has indicated that she doesn’t like them (I personally think her feelings are routed jealousy because they have a great relationship with my kids, whereas she can’t even call my kids once a year on their birthdays). I could simply not tell her and then when she finds out, remind her that she told me that she didn’t like/care about them at all.
In the end, I probably will tell her because fundamentally it’s the right thing to do. If you make your decisions based on values and what’s right, you can’t go wrong. But I’ll be sure to let everyone around me know what’s going on and that she needs to be kept away from me and my family.
I hope you are getting excited about starting school and a new chapter in your life!
Hi All,
So my mum is bi-polar and my dad committed suicide 10 years ago. I did everything I could to help my mom but in the end it was just not enough. The last straw was my wedding where she pretty much made everything about her, insulted my new family, made my husband cry and basically made a complete *** of her self in front of everyone. We asked her to leave and had an amazing time once we got everything back to normal. Our friends were great and set up some music and we just turned our wedding into the best pool party. That weekend set me in motion to go to a counselor specializing in mental disorders. I wanted someone who could really explain bi-polar, borderline personality disorder, drug abuse etc. I just had to try and make some sense of all of this. In the end it still does not make sense but I finally feel like I understand why she is the way she is.
My childhood was full of abuse to say the least and this blog has been so comforting to read. It has really made me feel like I am not alone in my experiences. I honestly always had a very low opinion of myself and thought my mother’s behavior was somehow connected to me and was my fault. This year is the first time I do not feel like that and the feeling that I am responsible for her decisions in life is going away.
My husband and I are thinking of starting a family and I am terrified. I am so afraid that somehow the way I grew up will affect our kids. It makes no sense but the idea of becoming a parent when I have no reference point to what a good parent is – i am just scared. Has anyone else experienced this feeling when you were thinking of having a family or anything like it?
Hi Cam,
I understand your worry, but I think in some ways having the mother that I do has made me a better parent. I’m always thinking about the effect of what I say or do on my children. I think you’ll find you’re way more sensitive to your children, because you understand first-hand how a parent can have a devestating impact.
The other thing to think about is that no one really knows how to be a good parent. We all make mistakes. The difference between us and our bipolar mothers is that we are focused on our children and not ourselves. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take time for yourself, but you’ll know when to draw the line.
And don’t forget you’re not in this alone – you have your husband. Making sure you have good communication with him is key to both of you being good parents.
There are tons of resources out there to learn about raising kids. You’ll soon find that it depends on the particular kid in question, but you will get good little nuggets of info from many places. You’ll also learn how to drown out the “white noise” when you hear things that are just not relevant for your situation.
Don’t worry about the type of parent you’ll be. Just make sure to ask for help if things don’t feel right in the way you interact with your kids.
I’ve come to the conclusion that my mom is bipolar she was diagnosed with manic depression years ago when I was a child. I didn’t realize that its basically the same thing. I have tried to take care of her and convince her to do the right things. I’m 36 years old with 2 disabled boys. I’m tired of arguing and talking her into doing things to help herself. I had to grow up at a young age. I guess I feel left out and over looked. Everyone in my life has always catered to her needs, my grandparents, my dad. I’m tired of always being wrong in her eyes. Rarely hear Im sorry. She doesnt see that the mental illness is causing alot of the problems in her life. She always blames someone else. What worse is that she is teaching my oldest son to be just like her. He stayed with her alot while I was going to college. I couldn’t imagine cutting her out of his life but I don’t want him to end up like her.
Im really glad i found this. Its encouraging to know there are hundreds of people out there going through the same thing I am.
Im currently 15 (almost 16) and have a bipolar mother. Its really strange how she begins to breakdown, it has its own step by step process…and i feel like she becomes bipolar when she breakdowns, which is weird because its happening now but the last time it happened was 3 years ago when she was diagnosed and put in a mental hospital. It was the worst summer of my life.
So, she started smoking, and somehow that triggers the behaviors…
she contacted her former lover who she always said she claimed to hate…
she asked me to move in with my older sister for a week, but then called everyday to beg me to come back. I was always saying – “YOU asked ME to move out!”
She goes out everynight for hours, leaving me or her friend who lives with us to stay with the kids.
I have a 5 yr old sister and a 2 year old brother.
I feel worse for them. That they have to grow up with this mom who is absent most of the time.
She also has terrifying mood swings. She will be extremely happy one minute, then incredibly mad the next. Its scary to be around her.
She spends hours on the computer. She speaks to me in English (we’re all Russian natives) whenever she gets upset, which i find is just strange since we only speak English around friends…
Im really lucky I have a job, so I have a valuable excuse to not be around.
I cant wait to move out and go to college, but then I worry incredibly for my siblings. How will they move on without me?
I’m feeling depressed because I have to go home tonight (after the week at my sisters) im currently at work and Im terrified to go home.
I dont want to go back.
My friends know about the situation, but i feel like they really cant understand it. They feel sorry and bad for me but i just shrug it off, saying its OK. (Its not but i want to enjoy the time i have with my friends, not turn it into a therapy session where i even have to think about my mom)
Now as im typing im getting teary eyed.
My mom spends a lot of money, too. Money we dont have.
We’re a low income family, without a father, or any support system.
Im the only one with a job, and my mom is about to stop receiving government benefits. I dont support us though, because whenever she asks to borrow money, its never for things like food or rent.
Any advice out there? I feel like her condition doesnt sound too bad, but I just feel like writing out details will be confusing and long.
Agnes, I know what you are experiencing. I have a bipolar mum too. I live in the UK. In 2002, I went back to France for Xmas. My mum seemed happy to see me. But, one night she took a knife and threatened to kill us all because my sister used her mobile phone. On top of that, she wanted my sister’s teddy bear. That was enough to take an impressing knife. The worst part of it is that she was enjoying the situation. My sister phoned the police and they came with a psychiatrist. The followind day, I contacted social services. My sister ended up in a foster home, but at least she was safe and happy.
I would contact social services.
Megzo, im so sorry you had to experience that…
and im sorry about your sister, its good she got a better home but at the same time – wasnt it weird to be with another family she didnt know at all? and how old were you/are you???
ALSO, my mom says a lot of things that she never actually does.
Yesterday she told me was inlisting in the army.
I said, “so now the kids are gonna grow up without a father AND a mother”
she said, “well you’re hardly a child, they’ll be fine, my friend can take care of them”
its scary and unrealistic how she thinks these things work. she also is planning on taking online courses for a masters in criminal justice. ????
i just want my regular mom back and i dont know what triggers that.
I dont want to live in a foster home, since she doesnt seem dangerous. just unreralistic.
Wow…For a while i’ve thought I was totally alone in this..
It’s really nice to know your not the only one in a certain situation..
So, i’m 15 and my mother was diagnosed with bi-polar when I was really young, and I never really believed that there was anything wrong with her.
(I realize now that I was in denial..)
It’s very confusing for me, because she’s always been like a mom and a friend to me and my sister..
My parents would always fight (still do) and I remember hearing them scream and yell at eachother for long periods of time…The thing is, I was convinced it was all my dad’s fault. She always sounded so wounded, and he sounded like the bad guy trying to make her look crazy.
Me and my sister have been sorta like my mother’s personal counselors for a while now, and I can’t take it anymore.
I started to wake up and realize what was really up when my mother had one of her first major episodes. (it’s hard for me to remember, because it was months ago, and it’s not something I like to think about)
I can’t remember why, but she insited we go on a walk with her and we whent. We were walking on the dyke and she was telling us pretty much the same stories and crazy ideas she always told us, and I said the wrong thing..or in the wrong tone or something, and she started going nuts!
she gets highly defensive and raises her voice like, instantly.
She starts name-calling like an immature little kid, and even got me to a point where I was yelling right back at her. This was in public!
She’s had a few times like this, and each time is more severe.
Me and my friends would always come home for lunch during school, and one of my friends kept asking if we had a certain food, and it was making my mom go mad. So I told her I would just tell my friend we didn’t have any.
One day, we came to my house, I came out of the bathroom..and she was lecturing them. I knew it could only get worse. I sat down and she started giving them the whole “My whole life has been so bad and for the past 26 years I’ve been putting up with s*** and men don’t love me” routine that I always heard.
For me that was pretty much the last straw. (especially when a little while after, she would say things like “honey! you can bring your friends over whenver you want, you know I almost miss you guys coming home!”
it amazes me how she can do something like that, then completely forget the next day that it ever happened, tell me she loves and then hug me)
I’m at a point where I have no friends because I just don’t want anyone else involved in this. I’ve slowly distanced myself from her day by day since then.
And it’s so hard…I still feel like this is all my fault..Like her whole life was my fault somehow.
And to top off the guilt I feel, I’ve been shutting out my dad my whole life.
It’s all just been a big lie. And I just can’t forgive myself for letting her brainwash me like that…
I just want to have a normal life not consumed with this disorder, knowing that she WILL freak out again. I NEED to get away from her.
..Thank you for reading this.
I just…wanted to let others going through this know their not alone.
Anon, I read your story and I had to read it again. It was on the second read that I realized that you said you were only 15. Your ability to express yourself is incredible for anyone much less a 15 year old. I suspect that because you have had to deal with being The Care-taker for most of your life, you have become wise beyond your years. This is bitter sweet; bitter because of what you have endured but sweet because if you let it, your pain and experiences could mold you into a person with great insight. That and your ability to write, I mean…you could use all of this for your own good and for the good of others.
I found this sight because my husband is bi-polar. We have three girls ages 8, 12, and 14. I found this sight because it dawned on me today that I have spent so much time researching the illness and possible treatments but have never really considered what his disease is doing to our kids. I think, well I thought, that I mostly bore the brunt of his manic abuse. Your post confirms that they may be way more damaged than I believed.
I pray that you will come to the realization that you have NOTHING to do with your mother’s illness. There is no way you, your sister or your Dad have caused this horrible disease. In fact, from what I’ve learned, your mother has not caused this illness. Please do not beat yourself up for the way you have responded. She is your Mother. You have expectations of what she should do and be that are valid and right. You most likely have only responded when her faulty brain causes her to morph into anti-Mom. I do the same thing and I am 43. Please do not let the mania pull you in. It is then when they are able to turn it around and make it your fault which is really the only way they can deal with their guilt. Could you try and separate your mother from the illness? This may help you with the hurt feelings you so rightly have. We have actually named the cycles. There is Dan (my sweet husband) Stan (my suddenly active, fun hypomania) and crazy Larry (full blown mean dangerous mania). We strive to manage the hypomanic Stan to keep Crazy Larry away. We do this (my husband and I) by talking about how he is feeling. As soon as I see him waking up earlier and earlier I get him to the doc for sleep Meds. Very important and not sure if your mother manifests this way, but, Dan has impulses for risky behavior that start during the hypo stage. If he does not give into them, he is able to keep it at bay. If he gives in, I guess the rush of dopamine, seratonin, norepinephrine gives him such a rush he has to repeat the offense. After one or two times the door has opened and crazy Larry enters the world again…meaner and stranger than the last time he came.
Please get someone to whom you can talk with. I hope there is an adult you can trust that is wise enough to understand your reality. Is there a school counselor, Pastor or anyone? It sounds like if you asked your Dad to spend some time away with you and your sister you could tear down those walls. You need each other more than anything. this is too much for a child to deal with on their own.
3% battery and I have to end saying God bless you and keep you. I hope you will channel this into something for good. You are a very smart girl. Romans 8:28
Anon, you are a strong and young person and I too recommend like (PJ) that you seek a counselor perhaps starting with school or your church? Also family services and/or county mental health services, sometimes they can even have people come out to you like a social worker to help put services in order? However, I know this can be hard to reach out, but you owe it to yourself for all the hard work you’ve had to endure through your long journey with your mom’s illness.
Keep strong, keep faith and God Bless you and your family, however, it’s never to early or too late to seek out help.
Is mom medicine compliant? Do you have any other family member/advocate that can help mom get “medical treatment” or “pyschiatrist/psycho therapy?”
You need your friends, you need to breathe and to be able to continue your life, growing into a young smart woman, so in order to do this you and your sister need to get all the support you need for you to go on like this before it gets more out of control.
Perhaps an adult neighbor, relative or friend of fam, can be of help as well? It’s hard to reach out but once you do, you will have some “weight” lifted off you and you will know and feel that asking for help is the right thing to do in order for you to be well.
Take good care of yourself, however, do seek help/support from others and don’t blame yourself for what is happening and know that you’re a strong girl and will move forward.
I believe in the power of prayer as and he (GOD) will guide you through the deepest darkest times… and never abandon you, when you think all is done and there is no escape or way out. Hang in there.
I am going through the same thing with my mother and brother and cannot even begin to describe the pain and confusion, which I’m sure you all know to well. I would give anything to get out! I can’t even begin to sy all the things she has done to me. I am 30 and she has held me back my whole life, never wanted to see me happy, but used guilt and other tactics to keep me near her and needing her. She always plays the victim and looks so sweet and innocent on the outside that nobody believe’s me so I’m the bad egg of course and I have the problem as she tells everyone. She only does things so she can say I did so much for you and gain sympathy, but has never genuinely cared or loved me. I can’t take it. I have a daughter now and my mother has tried everything to tear our relationship apart because she is so jealous of the bond we have. She just doesn’t want me to have a good life because she is miserable so I should be too. The mental abuse is the worst, but she treats my brother like a god and he has a son he does not take care of, uses her, is selfish, and only care’s about himself too so I have to deal with them both ganging up on me and attacking me and it makes you crazy. I have taken care of both of them, let my brother live with me, gave them money I didn’t have, and tried to help in every way, but still they always say I haven’t done a thing and am selfish. She has said I didn’t do a good enough job trying to kill myself because I’m still here bugging her, talks lies about me, and I try so hard to get out, but she sabotages all my efforts because she knows I don’t know anyone around here and that I cannot make it on my own right now with the economy in such bad shape. I’ve felt so lost and they can control this disease if they wanted, I’ve seen it. I’m done feeling bad and being treated like this. Just because she has a problem doesn’t mean I need to make my life and my daughters miserable to try and help her. Even the Bible says you leave your parents when you marry and your new family is your priority. Respecting your parents does not mean they get to walk all over you. In fact the mother’s on here with bi polar that are focusing blame on their families instead of themselve’s are selfish and are playing the victim. If you truly love your children you would not guilt them into staying, but would want them to move on to a better life. That is all I want for my daughter and hope t be nothing like my mother. I wish more than anything I could say we are best friends and she is the best mother, but that is impossible between the constant verbal abuse and her punching me in the face and telling me she doesn’t care about me and trying to come between me and my daughter. That is where I draw the line. Do what you want to me, but you are not going to bring my children into this. We all deserve respect and you get respect when you give it, it is not a given right just because you are a parent. My mom likems to throw the bible verse in my facechildren should respect their parents, but she passes up the verse that says parents should not provoke or fill their children with anger or your children will resent you. We only know what we are taught and so if you think your children are selfish and ungrateful you made them that way and should take ownership. But, most of us children are not selfish we are hurt and feel unloved and don’t want that kind of life anymore now that we are old enough to know we have the power to change ourself, but not anyone else. Like one poster put it, I would want and expect my daughter to run and not look back and tell me if I were treating her like that and she would have every right to resent me. I’m sorry anyone has to go through what I have, but am glad there are other’s that can relate and you are all in my prayers.
I stumbled accross this researching more on elderly w/BPD I, and found these posts. I’ve lived throughout my child/adolescence living with my bipolar mom and share some of the same experiences. Not to mention my father left us when I was 2 and had been in/out of my life until I was about 12 and he was never supportive when mom would cycle into her mania every year for 2-3 months from Dec – Feb. My mother (now) 71 and has had 2 cycles, Jan and currently present, prior to her Jan cycle, she hadn’t relapsed since almost 3 decades! Yes 27 years! All the nightmares and emotional rollercoaster rides were all gone from when I was a teen until now that I am 40yrs. Just when I finally I thought it was over, even though throughout the years I was so very scared of this very situation happening again, here we are again experiencing almost the same nightmares that I was once experiencing when I was a child/teen. I’m devastated and hurting and trying to help my mom at all costs to try to find that support she needs, yet it’s very challenging.
She was just recently cycling into her 2nd episode 3wks ago when I was able to pick up on the symptoms and called her pdoc and we got her into an appt asap and started new drug treatement and at a much higher dose, this seemed to “tame” the mania and now it’s the SEVERE depression that mom can’t be left alone at all. She needs 24/hr monitoring and medication management since she is very depressed and could potentially harm herself, she’s overdosed before and she often thinks about “death” although she is very afraid of “dying” when she is cycling she prefers to be DEAD and talks about how she wishes NOT to be alive.
Earlier this year Jan, she had cycled into her episode after almost 27yrs of no “mania” and it got pretty bad, 911 calls, hospitalizations, evicition letter, police threats, you all know the drill, needless to say we attempted to work with all types of support services/resources but found our hands tied in so many situations because of “patient rights” and all the legal crap around that, mom was out the last time from hospital on March 1st, of this year! For the first month one of her sibs came to live with her, she only was able to stay 1mo and the poor thing was anxious to LEAVE right away, even though mom was coming down from her HIGH she was condesending, decietful, manipulative, etc., Thereafter, we tried to keep her living independently, and visited it her weekly/ and had her over on weekends but that didn’t work out. And here we are again, it’s not so bad this time, since we caught it right away and new meds are keeping her sedated much more than I would like it, she is however, medicine compliant which makes it more manageable to deal with other than the folks with bpd mom’s whom aren’t receiving treatment.
Anyhow, sorry to keep rambling, but I feel that I can write a book on our lives with living with my mom and her biopolar disorder. I too am looking for support groups, I feel very confused at this time, since my mom is elderly she also has the onset of dementia, and her dellusions (on/off) and pyschosis don’t help at all along with her paranoia and anxiety that spins her off into her mania’s and depressions. I pray to GOD that mom’s care gets in order somehow and for our family’s well being, whether we get her into a carefacilty or we continue to have her live with us that it all works out and it stays sort of in control because I’m just AFRAID of seeing her and dealing with her full swing like we did in January, I don’t think I’m emotionally well to be able to handle going through this again. My own sanity and the well being of my children/family/spouse is at stake. What do we do? For now we take it day by day, and so far staying ontop of meds and helping her cope with her depression has been a challenge but i’m fearful of what’s ahead? The feared “highs” where my mom feels the best and can lash out and take on anyone at anytime, this is my 71 year old mom and it literally takes about 3-4 officers to put her down… I also feel someone resentful for she robbed me of my end of my pregnancy and birthing experience/postpartum of my last baby, I was in the operating room back in January a day before my surger, being with mom in the ER for 9hrs after having her taken by 911/because she had threatened to hurt me and my 3.5 yr old boy. I’m just afraid of what the future might hold, dr’s both pdoc and fam doc say it most likey mom will worsen and it will be harder for her to come out of the cycles if she continues to have them more often now at this late in age?
My oldest girls are afraid of grama and somewhat confused, my husby has been laid off for nearly 2yrs now that he’s home proving care for our little ones and now caring for my mom, and again every day I’m here back at work and working from home when crisis is in progress and it’s difficult to deal with all the way around and to not know where this is headed is even more unsettling … dear god help us all and hoping for a miracle.
G
I am 28, my mother was diagnosed with bi-polar when I was 7. She has just been hospitilized again because of another manic episode, I won’t go into the crazy details. All I feel every day is guilt that I can’t help her or love her. I hate myself for saying this but I wish one of her suicide attempts would work, although they are all only for attention. I really wish she would die as her life is absolute misery, and that’s all she causes for everyone around her. I wish I had the strength to cut her out of my life but I just can’t bear anymore guilt. Does anyone feel the same??? For anyone reading this who thinks I’m unbelievably selfish, my life has been about helping and supporting her and I just can’t do it anymore 😦
Hi Lost,
I know exactly how you feel. I dealt with the same guilt and eventually with the support of my husband cut my mom out of my life. It was unbelievably hard but after two and a half years I can say my life is so much better. I can actually have a life now. If you can, try to see a councilor who deals with bi-polar patients, it really helped me. Having someone explain the disease who could look at my situation objectively allowed me to make the decision that was best for me and my family.
I’ve been dealing with the same thing for the last 12 years. I am now 27 yrs old. She has told me countless times how she’s never loved me and how she doesn’t care about my sister, 21 yrs old and my 16 yr old brother. But the shell send me an email telling me how shes going to take me to court for abducting my 16 year old brother ( who left her house in march because he couldn’t handle her anymore) she was there when my brother left with me and even agreed to give me the child support money that his dad sent him every month. That didn’t last long. In June she called the cops on me and said that I had kidnapped my brother. Luckily his dad was able to convince the officer to leave my brother with me. She has recently sent me a string of emails saying that I’m the devil and that I’ve brainwashed my siblings. By the way she’s tried committing suicide about 4 times. Obviously she wasn’t really trying. She just wanted the attention. She’s ruined all of our credit and has stolen money from her three kids countless times. She denies everything and says that it’s me the one that’s harassing her. I’m just so fed up. I live in fear not knowing what she’ll do next. Shes gotten people fired from jobs, a neighbor deported and has started physical fights with me and my aunts and then has called the cops and blamed it on us and asked that we be arrested. She’s even gone to 2 stores and taken about $3000.00 worth of merchandise and we’ve had to go to the stores to turn the stuff because her check bounced and they threatened to take her to jail.she has put me through so many embarrassing moments. Don’t feel ad for feeling the way you do. My siblings and I have always said that we would be better off without her and sometimes we wished that the suicide attempts would’ve been more than just an attempt. Reading everyone’s stories here really makes me feel like I’m not the only one dealing with this craziness.
Your story is even worse than mine 😦 although it seems that most people on here have had similar experiences. I hope you are ok, I really feel for you. do you feel much guilt? Xx
Ps. Cam, I’m really glad you’ve found some peace, definitely the right decision. Thank you for your reply x
Bi-polar parents are very manipulative. As to the women commenting below saying what would you do if you had a bi-polar child- that is just a head game. Bi-polar parents AREN’T children but always want to be and become VERY jealous of their children’s relationships. I had to be around two bipolar women in one family – trust me get the hell away – mine threatened to kill my father and herself because I cut her out of my life due to her violent behavior – in fact I had to cut out everybody, and she has a long history of criminal harassment (his brothers a retired police chief)
I just wanted to say that it’s so comforting to know I’m not alone… I’m the 26 year old daughter of a bipolar mother. We have always known my mother suffered from deep depression and me and my two younger siblings (who now both live in another town) suspected it was bipolar but it was only on my birthday this year that my mum sat me down and said that because I’m older now she feels I will understand that it’s not just depression she is actually bipolar (happy birthday to me). I know how hard it was for her to admit it to me but I wish she would have just told us all along that way we would understand when she is picking fights and being so irrational that it wasn’t really her talking it was the illness. It’s so hard for me now being the only one living at home with her now…she truly believes that I will stay at home forever no matter how many times I tell her that as soon as I am in a better place financially (I recently I was made redundant) I will be moving out…as much as I love my mum it’s so hard dealing with it all…she even made a comment the other day about how much or a hard childhood and marriage to my dad she had and she can’t wait for me and my siblings to get married and have babies as that will be a new chapter for her and she can start fresh…I felt like saying to her NO that will be OUR chapter not yours, if you want a new chapter then make it yourself…go out meet people do something for yourself instead of living through us…
I don’t know if that’s selfish or not…whenever she does not get her way I get told I’m selfish so I don’t know anymore…i find myself so resentful towards her which I hate, I don’t want to feel this way but it’s so hard I can’t even have a normal conversation with her because unless I am agreeing with her point of view on something I am “arguing” so I just agree to shut her up…and that doesn’t even work because when she is in a mood she will go on and on about things just to pick fights. If I don’t agree to always do what she wants I’m selfish and spoilt…if I do something she doesn’t agree with and i explain that I’m 26 years old I will do what I want she says I’m a spoilt brat. I could do a good thing every day and not have it be acknowledged but as soon as i do something she thinks is rude or disrespectful then she makes out that I am ALWAYS like that. So many fights result in her yelling at me about things that happened as long as 10 years ago…every situation is flipped so that it’s about her…just one example of this is my brother got bad grades at school and nearly had to repeat a year…instead of fucusing on how to get his grades up all she concentrated on was how embarrassing it was for her to have a son that might have to repeat a year!!
I have so many more examples but I think I have rambled enough…I don’t know of this will ever get read or replied to but thanks for letting me vent and thanks for sharing all your stories, it really is good to know I’m not alone
Unfortunately the bipolar world is always about the bipolar person. If my mom had to explain why she is so angry with me, she would bring up fights we had when I was a teenager. And I haven’t been a teenager in 25 years, so it’s beyond pathetic that she can still stew over a fight about how many times I could use the car in a week.
My experience has been that her anger just seems to get worse as she ages, because she is also starting to lose her memory. She only remembers unpleasant memories or invents things to support her idea of being a victim. The trick is not to get drawn into that world. My husband says, “You can’t compete with crazy,” and he’s right. As hard as it is, you have to recognize that nothing you can say will ever get her to understand that her anger has nothing to do with you. So don’t even try – don’t take the bait.
I haven’t talked to my mom in 18 months and she basically told me to consider her dead last Christmas. I wish that wasn’t so and yes it does hurt, but the fact of the matter is that my life has been so much easier without dealing with her insane point of view. I’ve said in other posts that I will be there for her if there is ever some clarity on her part, but hope is fading that that will ever happen…
Thanks for your advice 🙂 my problem has always been that I let people guilt me into things and it’s definitely become obvious that that is what she does and has been doing for years…that along with making fun of me or calling me something nasty if she isn’t getting her way…I understand she doesn’t want to be alone and I don’t want her being lonely but I am (as slowly as it is) getting over my guilt and realizing that it’s ok to be selfish sometimes and I need to live my life otherwise I’ll end up being the one lonely.
I have also noticed that like your mum, mine is also getting worse as she gets older.
She also disagrees with me for the sake of it.
Is making up stories and convincing herself of situations in her head that aren’t true, also a symptom of bipolar? So many of her stories she’s told over the years don’t add up, and I’ve lost track of how many times she’s come to me crying and convinced that my brother or sister are on drugs or have stds etc.
Hope my rants make sense, I don’t mean to ramble but I am so relieved to have an outlet finally.
All that behavior sounds pretty much like a typical bipolar person who isn’t able to recognize the impact of the disease on their relationships with others. Just remember that you’re not the crazy one in this scenario (I’m so done with being politically correct on this).
I think most parents go through a sense of loss when their children leave home, but they are also excited for them to start their new lives as adults. At 26, I think many parents would be expecting their child to find their own place. Honestly, I think at that age the sense of loss part would be more geared towards a sense of relief! 🙂
Don’t think of yourself as being selfish when you are simply taking care of a basic need to live up to your full potential. If you feel uncomfortable with what she is asking of you as an adult, then that means she is using manipulation. A manipulator never has your best interest in mind, and the only way to deal with a manipulator is to set firm boundaries and consequences (that you are able to enforce) when she crosses them.
The problem with this whole issue is that we all have huge societal expectations for our relationship with our mother. Because we think we’re supposed to have a warm and cozy relationship, when that person is sick and uses manipulation, we have a hard time saying no to the behaviour. But honestly, if you wouldn’t accept it from someone else like a co-worker or even a friend, then why would you accept it from her? Our mothers are supposed to act in our best interest, but when they are sick, they are not capable of doing that. It’s not wrong in that instance to reject the bad behaviour and move on. Hopefully we can all learn from the experience and be better mothers/fathers to our own children.
My mother recently passed away from cancer. I believe she has Bi-polar. She wasn’t officially diagnosed. I grew up in a third world country were the parents are allowed to discipline their kids anyway they chose to. So I was verbally and physically abused a lot and everyone thought I must’ve deserved it. My school suffered. How come the other siblings were not getting equally punished? I was also sexually molested by the many ‘step fathers’ that came and go. It started at a very young age. I tried to tell her, but at 9 years old- apparently I was the ‘whore’. When I was 12 I developed a severe asthma. Left to almost die a few times, if not for the siblings that took pity. This is just small snippet of what my life was like. I pray everyday. Maybe I will die and she will regret it and realize she loves me. Maybe she will die and we can all be free. A lot of dreaming what life would be like without me or without her. I think I was going crazy myself. When I turned 16 I ran away and stayed away. Found a job, a career, build a life with purpose, contributed to the society and tried to put everything behind me. Then came the constant demand for money. I gave in at first, but there was no end to it. All for selfish reasons. Wanting to buy things for herself, to travel, to find the man of her dreams. Then she became terminally ill. So I was back again to help. Out of conscience. Out of obligation. To her dying day, never an apology. Never an admission of guilt. In the end, to let her go in peace, I told her I was sorry. And she responded that she ‘forgives me’. SHE FORGIVES ME!. Now she is gone and I am praying that she finally finds peace. I try to comprehend what it was like for her. I try to remember one good memory. Any kind of affection or indication of love. Nothing. I grieve. But I grieve for a different reason. Will I truly be able to forgive her? Hopefully one day. Mostly I feel sad for her.
This prayer has helped me survive , strive and move on…
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Hello! I also have a bipolar mother. I am currently 23 years old and have a horrible fear of developing bipolar disorder. I constantly feel that if I feel down or happy that I may be depressed or manic. I was just wondering if anyone else has these fears too because my husband doesn’t seem to understand.
I want to share and perhaps give you some hope.
I am 50 and had an untreated bipolar and OCD Mother, martyr father, and depressed and OCD (possible bipolar) older brother. My story is the same as your stories and I can relate completely. I was emotional abused more than physically. I dealt with her and the suicide threats, the screaming, the manipulation, the headgames, on and on. The deep ‘staring into space’ depressions where she was unable to function and the crazy sleepless mania.
My Mom died about 10 years ago and I felt relieved, my Dad died shortly after and it was overwhelming. I was sad and down but climbed out of it and was able to have calm, stable life with my husband.
My brother died a few months ago after a short horrible illness.
I finally feel free! I can openly discuss all that happened, evaluate how it affected me, and deal with it. For me, I never learned normal behavior. I had this crazy mom and enabling dad, crazy brother, I watched and emulated what I saw in somewhat functional families.
Now, every morning, I look up at the sky and say thank you, notice the sun and flowers, and smile. I have calm and tranquility in my life. I think I may have forgiven and moved on into peace.
My mom has always had her “head in the clouds”. I always knew she was different from my friends moms. Sometimes this was exciting but I also envied the comfort and calm that other kids my age seemed to get from their moms and I didn’t. Not only that but I always had to be the adult. I had to prop her up just so it would appear to other people that she was being a good mom.
My father was out of the picture and mom was my sole caregiver so I grew up rather confused. I was left to my own devices for hours on end, as was my sister, because mom was often not aware of what was going on right in front of her. She didn’t notice when I was being sexually harrassed by a neighbour and brushed me off when I tried to tell her.
Her moods would take over the whole house and I lived in fear of what mood she would be in next. She seems incapable of comprehending anything other than her own experience, and has always been that way.
After escaping her house for my own sanity, the times I do see her I’m exhausted by her constant chatter, she sucks all the energy I have out of me. I have started to cut her out of my life more and more.
She has told me that a doctor told her she was bipolar in the past but doesn’t seem to take this seriously. She thinks it doesn’t really affect her but it’s obvious to most people that she’s manic most of the time.
What frustrates me is that she will never understand what it’s been like to be her child. And what makes it harder is that I know she tried her best. Unfortunately her best was nowhere near good enough.
Karen,
I am so glad you recognize your condition and you are taking the steps to address it. That makes you an amazing parent. You have to understand than it is very hard for child, once they are grown, to deal with a parent who refuses to admit they have a problem or address it. Please don’t cast stones at others for their decisions in life.
Wow. This is wonderful. I’m so happy to have come across this blog.
I’m 28-years-old. My mom was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 19. I always knew there was something wrong with her and encouraged her to get help when I was as young as 12. Needless to say, I wasn’t surprised when she was diagnosed, I was relieved.
Over the last three years I have done extensive therapy to help myself. I think the number one thing you all need to remember is you have to take care of yourself first. Their needs to do not come before your own.
With my mother, I absolutely don’t believe she cannot help it. Her psychiatrist has almost fired her on a few occasions because even he sees, she is not helping herself or her family or even trying to. Of course, this is everyone else’s fault.
She knows the difference between right and wrong. She waits until my partner is out of the room to say hurtful things to me. She no longer goes to my sister’s house when her husband is there because she’s aware she can’t say what she wants to say.
Inevitably, what she wants to say, is awful, hurtful, relentless, painful and never-ending. I’ve come to realize, nothing will ever be enough.
The last few years I’ve been able to deal with things better and generally our relationship has improved. Here’s what I’ve learned:
1. Don’t make up lies to “spare” her feelings. Tell the truth. That way she knows what’s happening and why. If she’s hurt, that’s her choice. But lying about it will always come back and is worse in the long run.
2. Don’t respond to the rambling (a.k.a. those thoughts that aren’t real). Anyone with a bipolar parent knows they say things that are evil, malicious and damaging. Ignore those things. Only respond to the “real” things. e.g. my mom will send me hateful emails berating me and then ask “what do you want for dinner on Sunday?” So I choose to ignore the hurt, and respond to the real.
3. My coping of choice is to not spend time alone with her. She asks a few times a year to go do something together. I took her for dinner in January and it was a near disaster. Of course she just wanted to “talk” to me. Talking is just telling me how awful I am. I solved this by saying “Mom, this is going the wrong direction. I’m going to leave and take you home if you don’t stop.” I find three times is the magic number. And try to say it calmly. We were able to turn that night around by me asking “how was your book club?”
4. Surround yourself with people who love and support you and are able to tell you you’re doing the right thing.
***
Specifically for me, I am at the end of my rope. I am considering cutting ties with my mother. Who has done this? Has it been successful? What advice do you have?
Thank you all so much for this forum! 🙂
Wow. This is wonderful. I’m so happy to have come across this blog.
I’m 28-years-old. My mom was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 19. I always knew there was something wrong with her and encouraged her to get help when I was as young as 12. Needless to say, I wasn’t surprised when she was diagnosed, I was relieved.
Over the last three years I have done extensive therapy to help myself. I think the number one thing you all need to remember is you have to take care of yourself first. Their needs to do not come before your own.
With my mother, I absolutely don’t believe she cannot help it. Her psychiatrist has almost fired her on a few occasions because even he sees, she is not helping herself or her family or even trying to. Of course, this is everyone else’s fault.
She knows the difference between right and wrong. She waits until my partner is out of the room to say hurtful things to me. She no longer goes to my sister’s house when her husband is there because she’s aware she can’t say what she wants to say.
Inevitably, what she wants to say, is awful, hurtful, relentless, painful and never-ending. I’ve come to realize, nothing will ever be enough.
The last few years I’ve been able to deal with things better and generally our relationship has improved. Here’s what I’ve learned:
1. Don’t make up lies to “spare” her feelings. Tell the truth. That way she knows what’s happening and why. If she’s hurt, that’s her choice. But lying about it will always come back and is worse in the long run.
2. Don’t respond to the rambling (a.k.a. those thoughts that aren’t real). Anyone with a bipolar parent knows they say things that are evil, malicious and damaging. Ignore those things. Only respond to the “real” things. e.g. my mom will send me hateful emails berating me and then ask “what do you want for dinner on Sunday?” So I choose to ignore the hurt, and respond to the real.
3. My coping of choice is to not spend time alone with her. She asks a few times a year to go do something together. I took her for dinner in January and it was a near disaster. Of course she just wanted to “talk” to me. Talking is just telling me how awful I am. I solved this by saying “Mom, this is going the wrong direction. I’m going to leave and take you home if you don’t stop.” I find three times is the magic number. And try to say it calmly. We were able to turn that night around by me asking “how was your book club?”
4. Surround yourself with people who love and support you and are able to tell you you’re doing the right thing.
***
Specifically for me, I am at the end of my rope. I am considering cutting ties with my mother. Who has done this? Has it been successful? What advice do you have?
Thank you all so much for this forum!
Today, I am 25 and my brother is 24 years old, and after a long talk with 6 other members in my family we made the decision to have zero contact with my mother. Unfortunately, she has had her up’s and down’s and we have given her countless chances over nearly 10 years to work towards redeeming herself, or at least somewhat manage her illness. However, she keeps breaking the rules that we set-up for contact, and places and times where she is allowed to visit. Nobody expects perfection out of my mother, but we do expect her to listen to our requests if she wishes to be around us so that our boundaries do not get walked over. Over the course of these past 10 years there have been many times when she has been tolerable, and many more times when she has not. Furthermore, our entire family has encouraged her over the years to get help from mental health support groups, and my aunt used to take her to the hospital to pick-up her medication for nearly 6 years.
However, she recently called the cops on my nephew and had them check to see if he was okay since she believed he was a drug addict. The cops came over very confused, and we had to explain the situation to them, which as soon as we did they seemed to completely understand. However, for myself and my family, this incident was the final straw, and ultimately we each sent her a text message, or letter that told her that we hope the best for her recovery, but that she needed to stay out of our lives or incur legal action. Although we have had similar, and even worse incidents in the past, we have all become fed-up with this situation, and decided that enough is enough. We all wished that she would at least be semi-ok, and none of us have any hatred towards her, we have just decided not to spend any more energy on it because it only seems to come back and hurt us in the end. Strangely enough, this was the first time that our family actually bonded over this issue, which is the exact opposite effect from has past incidents. I hope that she will get better, since I would one day like to have at the very least a civil relationship with my mother, however I am not counting on it. My grandparents, parents, uncles, aunts, and myself seem to agree that it is best when my mother is not around, and that we should all act as one sound voice with our requests. I think it is very unfortunate that her mental illness has taken over her body, and caused her to act and say things that end up hurting the family and herself, however this is a battle she will now have to fight on her own now so that we can go on with our lives without resentment or frustration with each other. What are your thoughts on this? I am curious if anyone else disagree’s or has any opinion whatsoever.
I broke off contact with my bi-polar mother over 2 years ago. She flipped out at my wedding and that was the last straw. I had tried to take care of her since I was a kid and everything that was wrong in her life was because of me. The sad part is when I broke off contact she convinced the rest of the family I was a bad person so they no longer speak to me. I find it hard to deal with around the holidays but then I remind myself that my life is better now that I have some peace. I still struggle to make sense of all the horrible things she said and did when I was growing up. How are other people who have broken off contact coping? Sometimes, i just find the memories of how I grew up have really messed up the way I handle things now. I just desperately want to let all of it go and just move on but I am having a hard time doing that.
I was 5 when my mom was first diagnosed bi-polar, and then she recovered. When I was about 12 years old she started to slip again, and never really bounced back. There were definitely times where it was extremely hard…particularly being a teenager. Today, I am 25, and I have to say that I have accepted the fact that she may never recover, and that the person whom I knew (although at this point I vaguely remember) as the kind caring person who I remember is possessed by this illness and will not come back.
I took a pretty hard stance against my family members as well when we decided to break contact, because my mother would try to be manipulative…I discovered the best solution for me was to limit my contact, and CC the entire family on every e-mail that was sent back and forth between my mother and I. I dont know how to repair things with your family, or if that is possible, but it sounds like you have a lot of anger towards your mother (dont get me wrong, I completely understand)…lets be realistic, these crazy people in-turn drive us crazy. I was in therapy on and off for years to learn how to give myself the tools to manage my mother, and strengthen the inner child that had been abused…and to be completely honest, I am a much more assertive person, and I live resentment free because of it.
There have been many situations in the past where my family and I have disagreed on how to handle the situation. Most importantly my brother and I have disagreed for years about these things, which bothers me because at times I feel like my mother is keeping me from having a better relationship with my brother sometimes.
I think we tend to feel guilty when we lash out towards the person who is bi-polar, and that guilt feeds on us and makes us want to forget but not forgive, so project our resentment in other ways. To be honest, you should forgive, but that does not mean that you need to hang out with her, speak with her regularly, or allow her near your home or family. Your resentment for the things that she did will hurt you, and make the separation from her even more difficult. “forgive and forget” but dont open the doors unless you feel like it.
Maybe write her a letter when/if you decide to do this, and send it to your entire family? – They are important people who are just too confused about mental illness, unless of course they did something wrong to you aside from believe your nutball mum.
First and foremost protect yourself, and get in a stable position.
It will be hard, and it has always been hard for me thats for sure.
You should go get some therapy if you can, or find a support group…For me, I was literally at a point where I did not know what to do, and I did not want to go so I spent a lot of time on forums. Forums are helpful, but you probably need some tailored treatment because it sounds like your mother put you through trauma. Furthermore, I think that kind of healing will give you the confidence to completely walk away without pain if that needs to happen.
Hi All.
So glad to have stumbled across this site. Its very comforting to know that other people are going through similar trials to myself and our family.
I have been married to my beautiful wife for 5 years now and we have a very handsome and bright 16 month old boy together.
But ever since our engagement my mil has continued to behave more wildly and make more outlandish accusations and threats.
When i first met her she struck me as intelligent, warm, kindhearted etc. Despite hearing many stories of her behavior from other people. I decided to make my own mind up about her and take her on face value.
Since our engagement her behavior has become more and more outlandish and uncontrolable.
It started with little things like throwing teenage like tantrums over very meanial and insignificant things. Which i now know is a attempt to control and manipulate.
It was always over daft things. But if we didnt ‘bow’ to what she wanted it would make life much harder.
Ie when we first got engaged we decided to settle in my area some 120 miles away from where my wife and mil were located. My wife always expressed an interest in moving somewhere new and starting afresh, also because she had always had a strained relationship with her mum she thought it might make things better etc.
So after moving down and settling things were going well. She seemed to be benefitting from a little bit of distance from her mum and we had a comfortable home and secure work.
One weekend out of the blue
and after a very small tiff with my then fiancee, my mil and fil drove down picked her up and took her away without me even being told.
So i drove up there to see what had happened and bring her back. Upon arriving i was greeted a little bit bluntly. My fiancee and i had a chat and it turned that despite only having lived there for less than a month she wanted to settle once married up near her parents.
Ok, might be a little tricky finding work and finding a nice home but yeah thats fine by me. I since know that my mil had bullied my wife into wanting to move back up and after a very abusive shouting match from mil and fil we decided that to keep the peace we would live near them.
At this point i wished i had put my foot down and not let them influence our decision as much as i had done. But more will become aparant about this as i continue.
4-5 months pass…….
So after we married and despite becoming very settled both geographically and together. We decided to honour our previous decision and move the distance to be near the inlaws. This wasnt good timing economically as the 2008 recession had just started but we decided to move and hoped and prayed that things would work out.
We did have a hard time with work. I moved up after being promised some good regular work. But this did not transpire so for the first year or so we had a really hard time paying bills and making ends meet.
Through it all my mil and fil were quite good and helped us with little things like decorating and fixing car if it broke.
But the mil never once asked how work was going. She does not work and seems to have very little comprehension of what work is. She does not keep a clean house at all. In fact its very dirty and the garden is like a jungle. She has all the time in the world but seems to indulge herself in shopping online, visiting the mall and flitting from one hobby to the other.
On that thought, since i have known my mil she has spent thousands on hobbies and she is a very creative person. Her recent hobbies have been – jewelry making. Art. Photography. Kareoke. Guitar playing and lessons. Singing lesons. Amatuer drama. Cookery. Interior design and the list goes on!!
I now know that this alone is a symptom of bp.
She also displays other symptoms like disillusion(both with herself and others), lieing, temper tantrums and she falls out with pretty much everyone she comes into contact with.
She expects absoloute loyalty fron my wife and her other daughter. Which has meant that she has pretty much tried to pick what friends her two daughters are allowed despite them being 18 and 30 years old!!
Some of her behavior she will acknowledge and blames it on being abused as a child. Which is a horrible thing to happen, but does that give her the right to trample over relationship boundries and continue to lie and cause aggravation between not only me and my wife but also her other family members? No.
When she has an episode and starts kicking off at my wife or me there is no reasoning with her. Its either her way or the highway. In the past i would always try and cover things over and apologise. But she has never apologised for any of her conduct in the 6+ years i have known her!
When i try and talk about how disruptive her conduct is with my wife her response is ‘ its just how she is’. I guess that if you have been raised in such an enviroment and that is all you have known for 20+ years then it must be normal to you.
Its so sad because my wife is a cracker. But because of this bizarre and highly unstable relationship that they have i feel like im alone because im the only one who wont be close to her.
She has said so many hurtful and untrue things about my wife and i that i just cant handle being near her anymore. Just the sight of her make me feel ill with anxiety.
In the summer of 2011 we had born to us our little boy. Such a happy and uniting occasion, (you would think!). But even when my wife was in hospital in the depths of labour she was receiving very distressing texts feom her sister because my mil was trying to stop her visiting the baby in hospital. It wasnt her decision as to who gets to see our child!! Stupid cow.
Just recently over the last year she has directed her abuse and lies at me ( for no aparant reason) and because of this i have very little to do with her. I will be pleasent and say hello and goodbye, but thats as far as i goes. I feel bad sometimes because she has been very kind to us over the years. But her abusive nature was to much to handle that and the sleepless nights as a parent made things really difficult to cope with.
Looking back now, reading many books and after having counseling myself i feel that i can now understand why she does what she does. even her material kindness was an attempt to control us as she would expect loyalty if she bought us gifts.
Its sad because she cant see how much she is hurting the people around her and she wont get help for her condition.
She has been admitted to mental hospital before and received ect therapy along with medication. But for some reason she wont get help at the moment. Maybe its because she dissillusional, with out a doubt it is a vicious circle.
She needs help desperatly and cant see that she needs help because shes so unwell.
I want my wife and my little boy to have a productive relationship with her but cant see it ever happening.
I dont want to make things difficult between my wife an her but at the same time i cant be close to her for the sake of my own mental health.
I feel sure that keeping very strong boundries and also keeping her at arms length is the only way forward. I have a responsability towards my wife and child to care for and provide for them, I dont owe her anything at all. And until she accepts the need for medical help there is no chance of a condusive relationship. Sad but very true.
Once again its so good to hear of the other experiences.
Stay strong!
After years of trying to find some kind of support I came across this blog.. I can’t express the mix of emotions I feel reading your comments. Thank you all for sharing your stories. I thought that I would never find anyone who knew exactly what I went through growing up, and continue to go through as an adult who has not yet broken contact with my bi polar borderline personality disorder mother.
It’s eerie how it feels like some of these comments were written specifically about my mom. Sometimes when I think back on my childhood I wish that some of my memories were just nightmares, that these things didn’t happen to my sister and me. But they did, and as I get older I realize that I have to work through them or I will never be free. I think that it’s finally time to break the ties with my mom and my dad included. They are living in this routine fantasy land and I can’t be part of it anymore.. I need to reclaim my life and my self confidence. But every time she starts to get better I convince myself to give her “Just one more chance” “That she needs help” So I guess I’m part of this fantasy land routine as well. It’s a sick and twisted cycle.. But I just can’t do it anymore. I have nothing left to give. She’s starting to make that uphill climb again and I find myself so extremely angry, I can’t even be around her for 10 minutes without feeling like there’s fire running through my veins. I notice that when she starts to get manic her voice and mannerisms change as well as just her behavior. (Maybe that’s the borderline personality part) But it gives me somewhat of a warning to remove myself and not answer her phone calls. I’ve gotten to the point where I just delete her voicemails without listening to them because I just can’t mentally take it. It’s hard to feel bad for my dad because he’s the one who gives her the car keys and check book/credit cards and then screams and throws things when she disappears for days and gets reckless driving tickets and maxes out his credit cards.. Sorry I guess I’m just rambling now..
Thank you all for posting your stories, no matter what happens just remember you are not alone in this fight.
Hi I am the step-mother to a wonderful 10 year old little girl who I love as my own and the wife to her fantastic dad. We have been married for about four years and togeather a year before that. We have had issues with my step-daughters mother all along and it has just escalated the longer we are married. Due to the issues we are as a family have started seeing a psychologist to deal with my daughters real mother and she (the psychologist ) will not diganois of course but strongly thinks her mother is an undignoised bipolor person. My husband who was married to my daughters mother for ten years now has stress issues related to being married to my daughters mother.
My question is how to do help my step-daughter? Her mother has money and we are ok but we can’t go to court to get custody right now. We have her about 50/50. But things somethimes are just so issumatic that it is painful to watch or hear.
Right now our biggest issue is her mother has become jellous of me. My daughter likes me and I her. I do all the normal motherly things and I like consistancy. Her mother has started bashing me which I can handle because my daughter is smart she know her mom is off but her mom has now tried to attack me in public. I said I feel unconfortable talking with you in front of my daughters name and her eyes turned black and she attacked as I stepped back. My husband kept her away from me and told her to leave but I was scared the woman is twice my size and my daughter went how with her. After this she called my husband several times and she turned it around and is saying I am the one to attack her. She then went on to remind my husband of what a bad person and husband he was and so on. He kept bring her back to subject but she wouldn’t even respond to is my hasband daughter all right and is she hearing all this.
We where told not to file a report as my husband had stopped it and that it would make thing escalate but how do you deal with this and we can’t take her away from this situation I want my daughter to love her mother but she keeps hurting her not physicaly but mentally and we are told that we couldn’t prove that in court anyway.
Away from my daughter my husband has been so damaged by her that in a way he has issues as well. My daughters mother is constantly throwing the fact that she has money in his face which I think is some of the grandious talking on her part but her buys into it and gets down real down about how we can never compete with her and all that which is just bull S***. All I know is that he shows sign of PPSD from that marriage and I am afraid for my daughter. My daughters mother used to hit and kick my husband what will stop her from doing that to my daugher. She is constantly belittling her and calling her a lier poor kid. My husband to, still has her doing this to he he has to answer just in case it is important about my daughter , she calles all the time about ever two to four weeks she cycles I think with some kind of mania.
My daugher knows her mother has some kind of disorder and calles her crazy which we try to stop and just tell her mom is a bit differant and has to be delt with differantly. It is hard though my daugher will go to be with her mom and her mom is happy kind and then my daughter will say something and snap she is gone off the deep end. My daughter despretly wants that happy nice mom and so she keeps trying and she keeps getting hurt over and over again we are trying to teach her to protect herself but she wants that good mom that when she see her in that state she tries to be a normal little girl and it fails so much more often then not.
Other disterbing issues is her mom makes my daughter sleep in the same bed with her and her little brother and her moms boyfriend that she left my husband for. My daugher doesn’t like this but she doesn’t want mom to get upset. I make sure nothing weird is going on but I make sure my daughters knows what is approprate and not with me. We practice at out home so she knows to change in private, lock doors ect. Her mom has removed all the locks at her house though saying my daughter doesn'[t need any locks on her door.
Over all what do I do I am at a loss!
LMD
LMD, I’m really glad that your step daughter has you in her life and that you care so much about her well-being. I think a good first step would be to get her into some counselling so she can begin to deal with some of these issues.
The part that really concerns me, however, is the sleeping arrangements. Under no circumstances should a 10 year old girl be sharing a bed with the boyfriend of her mother. Nothing weird is going on? That in itself is weird. Your husband needs to tell his ex wife that if his daughter reports that this has happened again, he will go to the police. Please promise me you will make this happen! Your step daugher’s welfare is at stake. No normal male would want to share a bed with a 10 year old girl…
There is absolutely something wrong with a grown man in bed with a 10 year old girl. Your husband needs to tell his ex that it needs to stop. If it happens again, I would go directly to the police and CPS, in that order.
My bipolar mom asked to borrow my debit card…. That was about a week ago. I’m 18 and I live under her roof. I’m still trying to find a job.. There was $98 on the card and now there’s $47… I haven’t gotten the card back yet. I have to pay for my sister’s college application which is $40 still.. Please tell me I have nothing to worry about…
I am 21 and just glad to know I am not alone. I don’t know what my mom has but it sounds like this. To this day it is 2 ends of the spectrum . My mom had an alcoholic for a father and her mom spoiled her I guess to make up for her dad. I don’t know because my moms mother died very young and her dad, and brother died before I was 5. Her last brother lives only 3 hrs away but we only saw them 2x a year. Now he is battling cancer . My mother has lost everyone dear to her and growing up many of the guilt trips came from this . My dads family is spread out and we are not close. I feel like I don’t know what family is, just close family friends. It is hard for me to hug others or stay in touch with friends or even have a best friend to confide in. How do you tell someone that even though your mom tries to pay for nice gifts or hosts bbqs and parties she has been telling that you have ruined the day and her marriage? That you are a b*tch and you don’t love her because you chose to not watch tv with her? Or that you look slutty because you tried blue eyeliner ( on the way out the door to my date). Worse is when others absolutely love your mom because she cares and does for others and complete strangers but if you live with her it’s suicidal. So many fights and tears and getting hit or slapped.. So many f*ck yous and I’m done and do what you want… I had to sleep in a park during finals week . She also plays these control games and doesn’t trust me with anything or will be super nice as long as all goes her way and nothing sets her off. On top of everything she has been overweight and obese my entire life, and has diabetes and every other risk with being obese. I don’t know if she is bipolar or not but whatever it is she is in denial. I am afraid I am becoming her and my 1 yr younger sister has.. Huge fight today and I have thought about leaving and never coming back… No money to see doctor but I am so afraid ill be like her
Sometimes you have to look at the bright side, my bipolar mother in law is generally fine while on her meds (she’s been on just about all of them, from prozac, lithium, abilify, most recently seroquel which seemed to work the best). But like most bipolar people, she always decides she is miraculously “cured” and stops taking her meds, or she doesn’t like the side effects (which I can understand, because sometimes they are bad, she used to have terrible drowsiness from one drug, other drugs like Abilify gave her terrible hand shaking). After going off the meds, she can have horrific psychotic episodes including being verbally abusive in front of my little kids, being violent, or just threatening (last time she latched on to a huge hunting knife, this ultimately ended with police intervention and a court ordered commitment to a mental hospital).
So far we haven’t reached the point of cutting her out of our lives. We love her, and want to help as best we can despite the difficulty, but its getting more and more difficult. To people reading this that are bipolar, if your life is spiraling out of control and your own family seems to hate you, you might want to make the decision that being on meds is better than NOT being on meds, despite the side effects, and that since there is NO CURE, you need to stay on the meds for the rest of your life and pledge an oath to your friends and family to stick with that plan (remember, meds can always be changed/adjusted if they are causing you problems).
At any rate, my bipolar mother in law will be “infamous” soon, as she was just filmed for TLC’s “Hoarding: Buried Alive”, haha. I had to stand in rat poop all day while cleaning and hauling out the trash from her house. Yea!! Yesterday I fixed a large hole in her ceiling, as I cut away the old drywall more rat poop was falling down all over the place.
If you are living in squalor, you might want to take your meds, get some help, and start cleaning up your own life instead of depending on other people to do it for you. This is the second time I completely gutted and cleaned their house, I won’t do it again.
To my knowledge my mother who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder shortly following my brothers birth – hasn’t been treated for it since two or three years after her diagnosis. Her diagnosis was 2003 seeing as though my brother was born November of 2002. When I say treated I mean with medication – She has had talk therapy off and on since then when she feels she’s on the edge of a breakdown. The first of which culminated in a domestic dispute and her first suicide attempt – to my knowledge. She self medicates with alcohol and gambling. She cleans obsessively some days and then sits & sulks for days. She’s always been a bit of a drinker but it got markedly worse when we we’re again approaching homelessness & my father wouldn’t/couldn’t help (there are 3 children in total). My older Sister has been picking up the pieces her whole life. She practically was a third parent when the other two became too depressed or intoxicated to function. She’s rewarded for her efforts with disrespect, verbal abuse and upon rare occasion physical violence. My father the love of my mothers life “supposedly” – Well he died in 2011 just as he was turning his life around and making amends for his abandonment. Still he died – April 18, 2011. And she quit her job, we all collectively squandered the little inheritance that was there & she got worse. Our home was always messy – owning in part to my aversion to cleaning but aside from those complaints – she got more verbally abusive. After returning home from college, transferring from an 4yr to a community college – she’d harang me for my failure. She would get drunk more & had a series of sexual relationships with married men… Remarking how she needs a,life and our dead father always told her we were selfish, lazy, ungrateful and that she shielded us too much. Her joblessness fueled her resentment and she pushed us to find employment. At which time she began to loathe us more saying we think shes a maid, why did we get the dog (she bought him on a whim btw). While we had money left over from my dad she’d give loans, take shopping sprees, and attempt to buy us off on her happy days. On her bad days she would remark that we we’re killing her. The endless dirt depresses her. Her siblings don’t accept her. She’d recount how she was abused as a child and if we became disinterested in her repetitive rambling -we would be called bitches, told we needed to go get f**** & that if we can do it all on our own we need to take control/watch over my younger sibling because she can’t take it anymore. The following day she usually claims she only half remembers if she can remember at all. Despite her heart attack she continues to chain smoke, drink excessively, and the like. We we’re on the verge of eviction when we got our new apartment but we’re still practically on top of one another. During her.joblessness she’d have me construct her resume & apply to places for her & then claim I was looking down on her. Still, ultimately she got a job but her sense of financial security and her excess income – once again brought lots of beer & verbal battery into our lives. She keeps threatening to leave us, she can’t take it, she’s still grieving…. But we don’t get that same curtesy. We’re bitches, selfish, lazy, ungrateful bitches – f*** us, damn us, as for our grief we need to just get over it & stop bringing up the past… She says we don’t know how to survive & that we resent her – she doesn’t need us, she should have just let us fail – She’s emotionally draining, she’s losing time, she’s usually drunk, and she’s always the victim. I am 20 and I can’t take it anymore. I took a year off of school. I’m working full time & nothing pleases her. She just makes everyone and everything worse and maybe that’s childish to say… But you never know who you’re going to get with her & some days I just wish she’d die. my little brother wouldn’t have to watch her kill herself slowly, my sister would be free & we could make it better without her here.
*edited for profanity
Heya i am for the primary time here. I came across this board and I to find It truly helpful & it helped me out a lot.
I am hoping to provide something again and aid others
like you aided me.
There are so many common threads in these stories. I am glad I came across this blog because it is helping me feel more confident about my decision to cut my mother off from my life. I am 43 and my mom’s first “episode” was when I was 5. I remember it very clearly, and she was hospitalized for several weeks. The hospital was a scary gothic building, but we got to have McDonald’s and have lunch with her. My brother was 3 and we spent a lot of time back and forth between grandparents houses.
The remainder of my childhood seemed normal to me. Looking back, however, I think she was doing everything she could to keep herself together with out meds. It was the ’70’s and there was very little information about her illness. I didn’t realize until a few years ago that all of those days she spent in bed probably weren’t because she threw her back out.. again.
My junior year from college was when she really began her series of serious manic episodes. I could really go on forever about the escalation of her behaviors, how many times she’s been in and out of the hospital, how traumatic it is to watch police officers and ambulance drivers and paramedics assist her into the ambulance involuntarily, the trauma of having to go to court, to pick her up at a homeless shelter…. and to take her back because you believe her this time… only to have it happen all over again.
Helping her all but ruined my father. He did everything he could from staying by her side, reading everything he could about mental illness, and even became the president of the local NAMI support group. When his Multiple Sclerosis became more debilitating and he didn’t have the strength to manage her and himself, she turned on him like a rabid dog. She kicked him out of the house and divorced him after 35 years of marriage.
After (voluntarily) being homeless, sort of pulling herself together, and managing her life on social security and income based living, the worst of it was when I reconnected with my current boyfriend and told her I was planning to move out of state. Not only did she “freak out” but began the process, with the help of my brother, of literally trying to ruin the lives of my boyfriend and myself… I guess I was next rabid dog victim… the details are disgusting enough that I finally knew I HAD to get out of there.
It was almost as if the universe was screaming at me to get away. It became so glaringly obvious how abusive her and my brother’s psychological and emotional manipulation had become. I was so blind to it for, well, my whole life because it was my “normal.” I realized I had been the “glue that was holding my family together.” They were so determined to ruin my plans to move on and finally have a life of my own and be happy, I became so paranoid of what they were going to do next. Moving from there was like running from a burning building that was about to explode.
I became a special education teacher for emotional impairments 13 years ago specifically because I needed to understand my mother, and hopefully help kids manage similar illnesses. What I now understand through all of my experiences is that you can’t help someone that does not want to be helped or think they need help.
Of course, because she is a master manipulator… and I keep falling for advice from people that “she’s your mother” … I have maintained some sort of phone contact with her since I moved 7 months ago. I thought I was doing ok until I made a trip back to my home state a few weeks ago to take care of some unfinished business due to my hasty move. When I saw her, and even just being there in general, the anxiety and toxicity in the environment was palpable. Everything became clear, and I knew I had made the right decision. I have only been back to what is my new home for a couple of weeks. The visit with my mom did not go well, though, she has called almost every day, just to say “hi.” Each time I see it’s her calling, I become physically anxious. I just now realized that I need to cut her off, just like I did my brother. Every phone call for the past 7 months effects me so much that I am afraid it is interfering with my relationship. If it weren’t for the strength of my boyfriend, I really don’t know what would have become of me.
Being the child of a person with a mental illness is a scary trap to be in. Often times they will make you feel like you are the one that is crazy. It is an abusive relationship. If we would not tolerate that kind of treatment from a friend or a boyfriend, why would we give permission to a parent or a sibling? When you’ve done everything in your power that you can do, it is ok to walk away… it is very hard, and sometimes you may cave, but you can always keep practicing.
As for my brother, he appears to be functioning with some form of undiagnosed emotional impairment. His behaviors are pretty consistent with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
For people who think they are running away from a problem, DON’T! It is highly likely you are saving your life. I only wish I had discovered this sooner. While I was in my late 20’s and through my 30’s when I was supposed to be starting a family and developing my career, I was taking care of my parents and sibling and trying to keep my head above water. It’s ok to be angry and it’s also ok to be “selfish.” Only, when you really look at it, they have been the selfish ones… and you have given your self. It’s your turn to take care of you.
I didn’t realize I would end up writing this much, but maybe some of you can relate… Actually, I could probably write a novel… as could everyone else. I just hope you all know you have value and worth… and you are stronger than you think… just think of what we have been carrying on our shoulders for so long.
For what it’s worth, reading your stories has really helped me…. and I think having an opportunity to actually write this down has really helped, too. Thanks for that! 🙂
Hi KS,
I’m the same age as you and I’m at the point where I haven’t had contact with my mom (and by default my dad who just keeps making bad choices because of her) for 18 months because I just can’t deal with the anger and the hurtful wackiness that her illness brings. My mom has never been diagnosed, but her sister was diagnosed in the 70s so I suspect the same disorder. I’ve given up hope from reading this blog that a diagnosis would change anything, however.
I can relate to your comment about people who can’t fathom what we go through and make comments about “she’s your mother,” implying that I should have some sort of relationship with her. It’s hard to hear that because I desperately wish I could, and I wish others would be able to understand why that’s not possible. But I suppose it’s like anything in life – we have to make decisions for ourselves that are in our best interests, and to heck with other people who don’t have the knowledge to understand the full issue.
At any rate, just wanted to reinforce your decision to maintain your distance. All of us on this site know that it’s not about selfishness and rather about keeping our own lives sane and healthy.
i am almost sure my daughter has a form of bipolar, she is now 20 years old and for many years she as been what i have put it like ‘having a big black cloud’ above her all the time. she spent alot of time grounded from the age of 12 to 16, because of her behaviour, ie, at school she always ended up in trouble with teachers all because she would not do anything they asked, she has and still does lie over silly things, she is just negative and nasty, always moody, she as said some nasty hurtful things to me and then later will talk to me like everything is good and forgets how hurtful she was, but i never get an apology. and money, she is terrible, she will go and re buy an item saying she carnt find the original item when really she wont have looked, she cannot save money, she as to spend it there and then, she is so lazy its unbelievable, she will just leave things laying about rather than just put them away or in the bin. she always seems unhappy, when i ask her why shes always snappy, bitchy and unhappy she just says shes fine and that its other people that piss her off!! i did take her to the docs years ago, but they said it was both mine and my daughters fault and we was just in a vicious circle of arguing and never seeing eye to eye, i no this is not the case with my daughter, i and my family dread seeing her because we no she will end up giving one of us an unneeded rant, and we just walk on eggshells around her. i am at the end ov my tether. may i also add, shes always had love and attention and doesnt go without, but she still treats us like we are so bad. HELLLPP.
My mother put me in a mental institution at the age of 10 so that she could live uninterrupted with her physically abusive live-in boyfriend. I am fortunate to have had a social worker realize that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me and that my mother should be the one admitted. Never in my life have I had someone look at me with such pure hatred. She hates me for being born, for witnessing abuse, for telling others about the abuse, and the brave people who help me get out of her custody. With the advent of Facebook, relatives are contacting me who thought I was dead. You see, my mother made excuses why she would not bring me around to visit, so I have absolutely no roots, know none of my relatives. She truly wanted the worse for me. Still, as an adult, I always tried to maintain some level of contact, which is eventually met with phones and doors being slammed in my face for no reason. Last time I saw her, I handed her a bag of clothes, and she slammed the door in my face and threatened to call the police. She has taken to telling people I abuse her , and she’s so convincing that they believe her. She is drawn to abusive, dysfunctional people just like her, and anytime anyone tries to help her, she defends the abuser and accuses those trying to help her of abuse. All of my life I’ve wanted to protect her from the dangerous life she lives and she just pushes me away. She is so tormented and insists on being with tormentors. It is such a helpless feeling. At 60, I don’t think anything will ever change.
I love this site! I haven’t talked to my father on 3 years. Due to a recent family passing, we have been again. I find my self confronted with the same old behaviors as before. This time there is money involved. I’m so sick of hearing about how my father is a victim. His anger is almost always directed towards me. He wants very badly to have his grand children in his life, but the reality is, I don’t know of I can handle it. My husband says he is trying,but he adamantly refuses to acknowledge he has a problem I’m
This is my first time on the site.
I’ve reached my breaking point. For a year now, I’ve been trying to get my mother to the point where she can be happy and stop using sleeping pills and alcohol together. For a year now, I’ve been the only one trying…period. I’m the middle child. My older brother reached this point a long time ago, and now my younger sister is the one suffering the most. My dad doesn’t see any of this. To him its all normal.
How do you turn your back on someone you love???? Well, today, to me, that’s easy… cause walking away seems like the only way forward. I know its not her fault that she has this illness but it is her fault that she’s not doing anything to make it better. I cant help her if she doesn’t want to help herself.
I really don’t know what to do anymore. Before I do something very stupid… I need to get away.
I am so glad I ran across this site!! I have felt so alone. I always knew something was wrong with my mother. I cried reading some of these stories. I could have written some of them myself. The symptoms of this disease are so strange…narcissism, sexual deviancy, cruelty, lack of empathy…I never would have thought that all these “personality quirks” of my mother, which were always “my” fault, were a laundry list of mental illness symptoms. I have horrible stories of my mother. Yet, my sisters seemed to have endured none of this wrath. She would always do things when nobody was around to see. It was always me she messed with. Now, my sisters think I have a mental illness, because I’m always “causing drama” and have some “indeterminate problem with mom”. Even when I point out her blatant lies, they say I made it all up and I’m crazy. I’m 33 and have just now realized my mother is bonkers. I never knew I was being abused. Like all of you, it was “normal”. My husband would get so mad at her ranting emails, and would constantly ask me how/why did I put up with that stuff and not argue back? That’s just my Mom, honey. That’s just how she is. It’s better to just take it or she will cut me off and then my sisters will have no one sane in their lives. My husband used to refer to his mother as crazy, because she tends to take a lot of pills for no reason, and does act erratically at times. But she is substance-abuse-crazy, not mean-and-heartless-crazy. When he started seeing my mother’s behavior, he stopped calling his own mother crazy.
Just two days ago, she cut me off from her “family” (which consists of her and my two brainwashed sisters, as everyone else in our HUGE family is scared of her and won’t talk to her). I also found out this month that she kidnapped me from my biological father, and even wrote a ransom note demanding money, which I was given the original copy of. Now she has taken my sisters away. One sister is most likely bipolar, too. When they get together, it’s like they’ve taken a hit of cocaine, and nobody can get a word in edgewise. I’ve never liked dealing with her, and she has always been very cold. My other sister is only 16, and has been isolated her whole life, so I feel so sorry for her. She isn’t allowed to drive or go to school, and she has no friends, and now no family. My father is around, but knows my Mom is ill, and just wants to keep her pacified so he can rebuild a relationship with my sister. That relationship was destroyed because mother accused him (among countless others in our lives) of sexual abuse, moved my sister across country, left a path of destruction there, and moved back. Now, suddenly, she says my father is a wonderful man and is in contact with him. Yeah…because she needs his money!
She cut me off from the family because I wouldn’t unfriend on Facebook a sister of a cousin of a cousin of a cousin of a cousin (LITERALLY), who she says raped my sister. Or molested, depending on which email you read. AGAIN with the abuse claims. It’s tiring.
When I think of my mother, my blood runs cold, my hands shake, I feel exhausted, afraid, and I have panic attacks. Bipolar is a nice clinical term for “mean as hell, self centered, and loves it.”
My mother is driving me up that wall. She knows she’s bipolar and usually takes her meds, but lately anything littl thing I do sets her off. She goes into these little episodes and acts like she hates me. I know not to take it personal. She toys with me and baits me for every argument. I try to use key words she told us to use when she’s having an episode but that only sets her off more HELPP
I’m also planning on going to Med school, and I know I can’t do it on my own, I’d have to stay at home, I know a far as bi-polar bears go my moms not that bad but these episodes are really stressing me.
Wow, this is incredible. For me, absolutely the most telling thing is the unrelenting selfcenteredness of the BP parents posting here. Totally deaf to the pain being expressed; people’s comments about their own parents are repurposed and taken as being about themselves; tantrums and abuse thrown at people telling what their childhoods were like with BP parents; demands for sympathy.
it really is impossible for them to *notice* anyone else. I hope there are BP parents out there who are in better shape and are biting their tongues, knowing that it’s not always about them.
I’ve stopped looking back over my childhood, because the selfishness is just more apparent and gutwrenching the older I get. There’s no point to it. Awful people. I don’t mind having compassion from a distance.
I’m 16 and my mum has been tackling with her bipolar disorder throughout most of her life. She officially got diagnosed when she was about 18. She’s now 38 and her disorder is a constant battle. She’s tried so many different medications and dosages and nothing seems to work for her. I can’t help but feel guilty because there’s nothing I can do that will make her truly happy. All my life I’ve seen my mum struggle, but only in the last few years have I really reflected on it. I think when I was a lot younger it just seemed normal to me; but since my mum remarried, and I’ve seen just how unique this situation is to my step dad, I’ve realised just how much of an impact bipolar can have on so many people. It upsets me knowing that she still has all these dreams what she thought she would’ve achieved by now, but she can’t. She finds just basic tasks such as washing and ironing a challenge. She struggles to concentrate and maintain motivation. She spends a lot of the time in bed. Just recently she has had a new psychiatrist, and they’ve diagnosed her with both bipolar and ADD. Aparantly both of these disorders share a lot of symptoms, and so it’s very common for people to be diagnosed with the wrong one. Now that my mum knows this, she’s waiting to have a meeting in a couple of weeks to be given drugs for ADD. In the meantime, she’s making no effort to do literally ANYTHING because she says it’s pointless and she’ll just fail. She hasn’t got dressed once in the last few days and is just staying in her room. I want to do something but I don’t know what.
It’s a difficult issue, this… I’ve read through the comments, and I can see both sides of the story.
I am a 42 year old woman, and I grew up with a mother who has Bi Polar Disorder. Her illness was finally confirmed as this about 5 years ago, when she had a serious relapse. However, she has always had mental health issues (since before I was born) – they have simply been known by other names, and different diagnoses, in the past. She has been termed “anxious”, “Schizophrenic”, “neurotic”…. perhaps all were just different manifestations of what turns out to be Bi Polar?
Growing up with a poorly parent is intensely difficult, especially when the illness is of a psychological/psychiatric nature. Even in this day and age, there is SO MUCH stigma still attached to mental illness, that it remains difficult for many to talk about.
My mother’s first major “episode” occurred shortly after I was born, so I ended up fostered short-term with an uncle and aunt (my father’s brother and his wife). They also had young children at the time, and the fostering matter lead to a lot of long term friction in the family. To this day, my mother is distant towards my aunt, dislikes her intensely in private, and rarely has anything to do with her. My parents cut themselves off from my aunt and uncle for much of my younger life, and I was only reunited with them about four or five years ago. Sadly, this was the FIRST TIME EVER that I was told about the fostering (even though I secretly knew there was something amiss in the family). Even more upsetting, I get the impression that my mother chose to let this secret out because my uncle had been diagnosed as terminal with cancer. I recall meeting him only TWICE before he passed away… once, when we all met up to have a meal together (and to announce my wedding date: my uncle promised to make a speech at my wedding for me – he never got to do this – he died too soon)… once, at a music concert about a month or so before he died. I am very sad that I was separated from the extended family for so long, and missed out on doing “normal” family things, such a spending time with aunts, uncles and cousins.
However, there is one up-side to this… it freed me from the bullying of one cousin. The youngest daughter of the aforementioned aunt and uncle, she was close in age to me. I suspect she knew of the family circumstances, and I think this made her resentful towards me. Anyhow, for whatever reason, she chose to look down on me. We even attended the same Sixth Form College, where she would NOT even acknowledge to her friends that we were related!
I found home life stressful. I was fostered on further occasions (with my Gran), and also the Local Education Authority made me start full time at Infant School a year early, as mum could not cope with a child. I do recall having been somewhat distressed at the time, but it is really with hindsight that I feel a little child should not have been “pushed around” so much. I admit that I rarely felt truly loved, or wanted, and this has affected my family relationships, and self-esteem. To add to this, I was bullied throughout my time at school, mostly to do with mum’s illness and the fact that I was very academic. Other children accused me of cheating, or having a tutor. They seemed to assume that because my mother was unwell, that made everyone in the family “weird”. They also seemed to think that having a parent with mental illness, made me unintelligent, or even stupid!
I find both parents a mystery. My father coped with mum’s illness by “absenting” himself – working all the hours he could (conveniently he has his own business). At home, he was short-tempered, aggressive and stressed. He was neither physically, nor emotionally, available and seldom spent quality time with me. As I grew older, my father and I became increasingly distanced. He was VERY authoritarian – to the point of tyrannical! This I rebelled against, leading to awful arguments. My father NEVER discussed mum’s illness – I feel he was “in denial”. He has only recently opened up to me about things (since I have left home and got married). I think this is because he is older, and now finds it harder to cope.
My relationship with my mother is very complex. On the one hand, I truly resent her illness. Let’s be honest – she has never really been a mother. She openly admits that when she was particularly ill, she would be utterly unable to do things with me that other mothers could. When depressed, she would tend to sleep a lot, or “catnap” on the sofa, so we rarely played together. When manic, she would find me “irritating”. She describes times when she was annoyed with me as a baby, simply because I cried, and she hated the noise. She tells me she would put me outside in my pram!
I recall that even at a young age, I found my mother to be nervous and easily excited or stressed. She would go over the top on everything – turning minor things into dramas. She would not let me have pets because she hated dirt and hairs. She hated food that left crumbs, or marks/stains. She was SO FUSSY – every day she laid my clothes out for me and dictated what I wore. If it wasn’t quite right, she got stroppy. She was always panicked at the thought of me doing things she saw as “risky” – things other parents and children take for granted – like learning to swim, or ride a bicycle.
At other times, she was an extremely careless mother. I burned myself several times, once because I pulled a teapot onto myself when learning to toddle. Mum did not spot that I was using the tablecloth to hang onto! Another time she sat me on her knee, and accidentally burned my arm with her cigarette (she smoked right through her pregnancy). On another occasion, I was burned through pulling a chip pan onto myself – again, I was a toddler, and tried to reach for the pan handle to steady myself. Mum had left it carelessly sticking over the edge of the cooker.
She was also inappropriate – from about age eight, I was asked to make cups of coffee for my mother, and to place her tablets in the saucer. She did not keep them under lock and key – just in a corner of a kitchen cupboard. Imagine if I had thought they were sweets! She also thought NOTHING of using me as an informal “counsellor” talking to me about all her woes, and offloading her problems onto me. She told me things from a very young age, both about her illness and about her own family background, that I now feel it was inappropriate for a little child to hear
As I got older, she got “bitchier”. She would be highly critical of my appearance – often comparing me unfavourably to other children (usually cousins), saying “why can’t you be more like…?”. She also played me off against my younger brother (who was always favourite). She told me that “boys only want you for one thing”, and soon got it into her head that any boy I was friends with; or even so much as spoke to, or telephoned; I MUST be dating (and worse!) behind my parents’ backs. She was always suspicious! She even stooped to reading my Diary, and private letters.
She was intrusive, too. My room was never my own, so I had little personal space. Mum is a hoarder, and as a child, my wardrobe and bedroom cupboards were FULL of HER clothes! She would use this as an excuse to walk into my room when I wanted private time. She rarely had the decency to knock.
She also criticised my own clothes, and hated the fact that as I got older, I asserted independence by choosing to dress the way I wanted. I favoured the Goth/Emo look, which only made things worse. I constantly had to put up with “what will the neighbours think?” comments.
Both parents OBSESSED about grades and schoolwork, and were VERY controlling. NO praise. NO rewards. It was as though affection was only granted if I got top marks at school. And even then, it was only cursory – with reminders to “keep it up, or else”. My parents dictated what I studied, when I studied, and where.
Things felt VERY one-sided… neither parent was truly there for me. They are a very “fiery” couple – it seems to be how their relationship is – and all I remember of home life is furious rows and loud arguments. My parents also came across as emotionally quite “flat” towards me – I could not go to them for advice, or to discuss worries, or personal problems. Either, they were too busy, or else I was told to “sort it out myself”, in a tone that told me I was a nuisance for bothering them…
THAT’S most of the bad side…
However, as an adult, I can see the other side, too. I grew up and qualified as a Social Worker (I am now studying for a Postgraduate qualification in Psychology). I think maybe that I felt my personal life experiences lead to my job choice. I wanted to stop other people having to go through what I did.
I understand that my mother is ILL, and that she always was, and always will be. This makes me sad – for I feel I shall NEVER really know the true HER. Still, it also helps make sense of a lot of her bizarre behaviour.
On the plus side, my mother does recognise for much of the time that she is actually unwell. She does seem to acknowledge that she requires medication. Sometimes, she resents taking it – but I can understand this, for after all, the side effects are not pleasant.
She takes Olanzapine to stabilise her symptoms, as well as recently having been given Lorazepam. The latter is to help relax her – to help her sleep. Sadly, tablets such as these can cause problems in their own right – weight gain, dry mouth, increased diabetes risk, raised cholesterol levels… Mum fears such side effects (and rightly so).
I accept that she also gets frustrated – both at herself and at her illness. She is a clever, outgoing, stylish woman. Therefore, she dislikes the thought of getting fat. She also dislikes feeling tired, or “doped”, because this interferes with what she is usually able to do (she is book-keeper for my father’s business). I know from talking to her, that her illness gets her down. I know she spends a lot of time thinking about her illness, and about the problems it has caused her family, and about the side effects of her tablets.
I know that my mother can feel guilty at times for simply being ill – particularly because when she is manic, or very low, she can say some really hurtful things without thinking. I guess that – like many of us in this situation – she would just love things to be “normal”.
I think she has tried to be a good mother. I know at times, now, she tries to make up for the past.
An illness has done this to her… to me… to my family. NOBODY is to blame. Still, it is cruel.
It bothers me, that there appears to be so little assistance for the children who grow up with parents who have mental health issues. I can certainly say that, in my case, my family received little help. It’s true that my mother can be very resistant – she does not welcome visits from Psychiatric Nurses, nor does she enjoy seeing her Psychiatrist. She will not permit family members to be present alongside her if and when she does have contact with Psychiatric services. I suspect it is a humiliating reminder that she is unwell.
However, Psychiatric services have done NOTHING WHATSOEVER to try to engage with me, or my father, or my brother. We have no copy of a care plan, no advice about the medication mum takes, no education or information leaflets. We are not invited to give our views, our opinions, or to voice our concerns. It is as if we do not exist. NOBODY has bothered to think about what WE may be going through. Clearly, Psychiatric services think we can just cope alone!
So, it falls to me, as a trained Social Worker, to advise my father as to what best to do if mum becomes ill. To answer his questions about her medication and side effects. I also answer mum’s. I fear that, were my father to die before my mother, I should be “left holding the baby” – I would inherit the caring responsibility.
This places additional strain on me. I feel my life is not my own – I constantly worry about mum (and dad). Is mum well? Does she take her pills? Is dad coping? Does he know what to do? Am I doing enough to assist? Where has she gone when she absconds – just ups and leaves without telling anyone? Will she harm herself? Might she kill herself? Could she hurt my father, or another person? What if he accidentally hurt her? Will she hate, or resent, us if we have to place her in Hospital?And so many more questions…
The fact that I have chosen a “caring” job does not help. I think my parents feel that I am “trained” to cope – so I am the one to look to for advice about mental illness, and its treatment. When mum had her big relapse about 5 years ago, I was the one who had to raise the fact that she was not having regular support, or reviews, and that she was not having blood tests that she ought to have been getting (to check for high cholesterol – if on Olanzapine, regular blood tests are a statutory requirement). I sometimes feel that I am doing the job that Psychiatric services ought actually to be doing for my mother! Sometimes I feel “burned out” – physically and emotionally drained!
Living with a Bi Polar parent is hard. VERY hard. It is time that society and the Government realised that MORE SUPPORT is needed for children whose parents are mentally ill. More support is needed for the WHOLE FAMILY.
How many more people must endure stress, and worry, and confusion? Fear? Stigmatisation? How many more children of mentally ill parents must live without receiving the information they need to help them understand that parent’s illness? How many fear becoming ill themselves? What about fearing bullying? Or feeling isolated? What about having to grow up too quickly, to look after yourself, when nobody else can care for you properly? What about missing out on quality family time?
There are SO MANY things that living with a mentally ill mother means to me, that I could write a book on it! Sorry that THIS post is so long! Still, I hope it may be of some help to people – even if all it does is make them feel less alone. They know someone else feels as they do.
Take care of yourselves, each and every one of you. Whether you are a person with a mental health problem, or whether you are a family member (or friend) I wish you all the best. Look after yourselves. Make time for yourselves, and for each other. Seek out as much help, advice and information as you can. Support networks are invaluable. Stay strong… and remember… we are all individuals. All unique. Not one of us can experience life as does another. Live your own lives – and make they very best of them you can.
Elaine. x
Elaine – I couldn’t agree more with everything you said. I found this website a moment ago after searching for anything online that could somehow alleviate how I’m feeling. I am 27, and my mother suffers from bipolar. I too am a social worker (or at least I will officially be one come this April). She is 63. There is absolutely a huge lack of support and help for those who are mentally ill, and their families. In my personal life with my mother, I have taken on the role of case manager, psychiatrist (minus prescription abilities), social worker, daughter, mother figure, caretaker, supporter, therapist, etc. There is no help for me. The mental health system believes it is my job to do as I’ve been doing. My family is no help either. I am an only child. My father is somewhat helpful (they are divorced), but definitely not to the extent that I need. And it’s also unfair to expect that of people. This should be a group effort – a group effort of those that care about someone. It appears that this is too much to ask.
Being in the mental health field also seems to be a mixed blessing. I also feel that people assume I should be able to cope (I also assume this of myself), but this most recent episode has proven more difficult than anything I’ve had to go through thus far. I’m at a loss, and very much fear my own breakdown. It complicates things when a parent with a mental illness is ageing, as the ageing process itself is wrought with emotional and physical issues. This is the second manic episode in two years. I very much blame the mental health system, and her psychiatrist, for failing to help prevent a recurrence so soon. The mistakes of last year have been repeated, with the exact same result – and as always, I am expected to pick up the pieces. They will claim that they don’t expect this of me, and my therapist tells me I have to look after my mental health and distance myself if needed. I find that funny. How can I tell myself to turn my back on my mom, when she needs help and support, just because everyone else fails to help out, thus leaving me overwhelmed and broken.
I have not read all the above posts in detail…but I definitely see a pattern of children cutting themselves off from their mentally ill mothers. I don’t see this as a viable option for me. My mother is wonderful, and always has been. I was never abused, I had a great childhood – even with the manic episodes. My mother is one of the closest people to me (perhaps due to the fact that I am an only child, with a very few people I feel close to). I am wondering what people do when they fight to keep their mother in their lives. How have they gotten through the episodes that are occurring with an ageing parent? What are some of those stories?
I could say a hell of a lot more. But that was helpful a bit in itself. Any comments are welcome.
My mother was disanosed at 17 with Bipolar disorder. However, she is also addicted to marijuana and alcohol. Myself and 2 siblings have been removed several times. My sister, 25 now, Disassociated her self my our mother and my brother and I. I miss her dearly. Anyways, i was born with alcohol and drug dependacy as well as an STD from my mother. My brother was born with cerebral palsy and later dianosed with Asbergers syndrome and ADHD. I have raised my brother since his birth. My mother has been having a severe break down in the past few weeks. She has beaten me senseless saying my brother problems are my fault because him and I do everything together. She blames me for him not having a life or in school. She kicked us out today. She wants nothing to do with us since my brother said he did not know who he wanted to live with when she has asked him earlier today. She is irresponsible. She will not order my brothers meds until he is out, meaning he has to go over a week without them. Thats dangerous. I do not know what to do. I barely make enough money for myself, let alone to take care of both of us. Please someone help us. I need to get him out.
I think my wife is bi polar but how do I make her realise and get her to see a psychiatrist and find some treatment. Our relationship has been going downhill and she blames me for everything thats happening in her life. Our son is also witness to her mood swings. How do I get her to understand she needs help or else things could really get out of hand?
really sad to hear that some of you can just turn your backs on on ur own mothers!im a 26 yr old mother with bipolar my daughters 4! u clearly don’t understand its a life long illness people don’t chose to live their lives like that mental illnesses are horrible thing and u just don’t know when its coming on!. I haven’t had a perfect childhood but regardless of that at the end of they day ur parents are ur parents and only 1 mother and father u get. I always knew from a young age my behaviour wasn’t right i went off the rails a bit as a teenager then traumatic live experiences were obviously a contributing factors to me developing bipolar what broke me was my father dying suddenly! makes me so angry reading these posts u don’t realise how lucky u r to still have you parents here life is way to short u should be helping them and letting them know u r there for them.
I made an effort.
I went above and beyond.
I allowed my bipolar mother to hurt my family.
At NO point did Mom ever acknowledge that the problem *could* be hers.
At NO point did she consent to *ANY* treatment.
Read through this blog in the proper order – https://mybipolarmother.wordpress.com/in-the-proper-order/ – and you’ll see.
I’ve tried helping and ‘being there’ for Mom and Dad. Mom is an emotional vampire and will suck dry anyone in contact with her. Dad is now just trying to muddle along and minimize the amount of pain she causes him.
She’s toxic, and MY family is better off now. Dad would be better off if he left as well.
Mine was diagnosed when I was a small child but left treatment a few years later, medication had bad side effects then and she felt therapy had done all it could. Exhibits amazing self-control, compared to some, considering what the disease is like. But I had not understood it until a friend got a diagnosis of the exact kind of bipolar my mother has and described the whole thing to me. I realized that a lot of my mother’s other complaints all have to do with the syndrome and I don’t think she realizes it. Dizziness, memory issues, distraction, as well as the more common sturm und drang. I am only now figuring out how much all of the conflict and drama is standard bipolar — I thought bipolar meant depressed and then very manic, my mother doesn’t have the supermanic phases (is probably what is now called rapid cycling bipolar 2), so I never really studied the disease to figure her out. Now am and it is mindblowing, and I have not yet fully absorbed it all.
I stumbled across this blog, trying to look for answers. My adopted sister, i believe has bi-polar. She was diagnosed several years ago with severe OCD, left with medication, but now refuses to take it as it causes weight gain. A viscous circle. She is divorced and has one son. Due to her obsessive spending habits she has lost her home and now resides with our 81 year old mother. Her mood swings, and cruel behaviour is driving the family apart. See has foul oubursts when she doesn’t get her way, and uses foul language at my mother. I am concerned for my mother’s well being. She has sent horrible e-mails to me and has also threatened me. But when you visit my mother and she is there, she acts like nothing ever happened. We’ve have being dealing with erratic behaviour since she was a teenager, my parents to her to psychiatrist with not much success. I am concerned for her son, thankfully his father is in the picture, but more concerned on the toll on my 81 year old mother. My mother doesn’t want to loose her, as she threatens to leave all the time. But truthfully she has no choice but to live off of my mother as she has lost everything. When she is up she’s up but when she is down, look out! I do believe she suffers from undiagnosed bi-polar. I don’t want to upset my mother, but I believe someone or something needs to intervene for the safety of my mother.
I have a mother that is bipolar and has a personality diaorder. As she disowned me many times and I was left crying on the birth bed of my first born son. She left town bc she picked a fight and tried to kill herself on my bday. I had given her a second chance and she since has violated all trust. She shared with my aunt that she has gotten off mood stabilizers and I had known the moment she did this. She went out of town and visited her and went through her phone while on a manic exposure at 2:30 in the morning. She had text me her findings that on Facebook my aunt and I spoke of her in a negative way. but she is my sounding board for this crap she gives me. I don’t trust her with my small children bc she is unstable and that only solidified my own feelings. Right now she text me we need to tal lk and she doesn’t want screaming kids in the background. How can she say that about the grand kids she was obsesses about a few days ago. I’m not resounding bc I don’t want to and I don’t want to be blamed for her kling herself Again. I’m done for myself and my own family.
I am a young adult who was raised in a single-parent household by an undiagnosed bipolar mother. My siblings and I all have a form of PTSD because of our upbringing and none of us are associated with her anymore out of necessity for our own well-being. Our mother demonizes to everyone because of this. Our mother relied too much on her children and took her emotions out on us every time. She always said hurtful comments like “I hate you”, “I wish you had never been born,” “My life would be better if I had never married your father and gotten pregnant,” “Bitch,” “Whore,” Slut,” “Princess,” “Spoiled brat,” “I wish you would die,” “I’ll kill myself if you move you out,” “None of my children are as smart as I am,” etc…
She forced us to live with her in order to blackmail our father for child support, and pretty much starved and neglected us. She made us call our father almost every month and lie about how ‘poor’ we were in order to guilt him into sending more money. That money was never spent on us… my mom would use it to eat out at fancy restaurants and go on shopping sprees while we sat at home and ate top ramen.
She faked seizures all the time when she wanted attention/sympathy from others and constantly lied about having severe medical conditions (cancer, thyroid disease, lupus, etc). The only time she gave us love was when we got sick — illness always excited her, and she would diagnose us with horrible, terrible diseases and make us believe we were sick and lie about our symptoms to doctors in order to achieve a certain diagnosis (we really only dealt with constant crippling stress, lack of food, sleep, and living in dirty conditions). She lied to our doctor and told him my brother had once tried to kill me in my sleep and she feared for our lives… my brother was forced to go through a medical examination at a mental hospital to be forcefully committed. Their conclusion upon examination was that my brother was a nice kid suffering from depression and that he needed therapy because of his ‘mom’ issues.
My mom isolated us from family members, church members, and friends by telling horrible lies about us being “juvenile delinquents” who abused her when we were the ones who did all of the cooking, cleaning, errands, and care giving so she wouldn’t hurt herself. We were the kids who all the friend’s parents loved and wanted to adopt because we were so “well behaved.” We never got to go out or invite people over to our house. We were delinquent at school because she often punished us by not letting us leave the house. Everyone who saw our circumstance first hand always had concern, but everyone was too afraid to cross my mother or admit the situation was as bad as it was. She can turn on her ‘charm’ and seem incredibly ‘sane’ at the drop of a hat… and simply blame our circumstance on being poor and playing the ‘victim’ of countless unfortunate circumstances. She lied, lied, lied… all the time, to everyone, about everything. She made our dad sound like the most evil person in the world. In reality, he’s a nice guy; a pushover who was rolled over by my mom throughout their marriage and finally ran away like a coward, leaving us behind. Whenever we called her out on any of her lies in front of other people, she’d punish us.
We constantly moved every couple of years. My mother always left a path of destruction wherever she went. Whenever people would figure out her web of lies, she’d blow up, have a breakdown, burn bridges, flip the finger, and we would move to another city. It was so embarrassing.
If you ask my mother, the world is out to get her and she is the victim. To this day she is in denial, and believes her children, family, and friends are conspiring against her when we try to confront her about her illness. My siblings and I have all been to different therapists and they’ve all agreed our mother is severely bipolar and on a destructive path if she doesn’t get treatment.
The worst part is things with her were not constantly bad. We lived in fear of coming home from school not knowing what her ‘mood’ would be. Sometimes we’d come home to a spotless house with a nice cooked dinner and a kitchen full of groceries and ice cream and our mom sitting at the table wanting to play board games and go on shopping sprees with her credit card. It was terrifying to us when this would happen because we knew it was inevitable that the next day, we’d wake up to her beating on our doors screaming and yelling… When she came down off her manic high, she was always so pissed off that she spent money on groceries and shopping when she didn’t actually have the money and she always wanted to blame it on us as if we had ‘tricked’ her.
She’s not an evil person, but I will not associate with her so long as she refuses to help herself. Yes, it’s a mental illness… but she is toxic and she ruins the lives of everyone around her. When I have children, she will be LUCKY if she gets the meet them, and if she does, it will be for an hour at an iHop or some other VERY public restaurant. My mother is like a pitbull — she can turn on you at any second and cannot be trusted.
I just want to say that I read your story and I understand. It’s very close to my own story. I am older now and have two kids of my own. She’s progressively gotten worse over time. She is managed somewhat well (for her) by social services, ssi & has FINALLY been deemed unable to care for herself but still lives in her house. It’s been a very rough ride but I moved about an hour away and have vowed to not put my kids in the midst of her illness. She has good days and bad days and ups and downs and still has her very bad moments. She likes to call the police on all of us adult children for really stupid reasons like she thinks my sister stole her shirt or won’t take her to the grocery store and she needs mayo. I’ve been using the saying “you can’t argue with an illness” to help me remember that if you get caught up in the drama of it you’ll only end up wearing yourself down and she will still be the same. So, no sense in putting myself through that when I have 2 kids to think of and take care of. So, I guess my point is that it eventually does get slightly better as the years go by. I saw my mother today and we stayed outside (because it was terribly unkempt and dirty & full of smoke from her chain smoking. She’s been smoking 3 sometimes 4 packs daily for as long as I can remember.) The kids hadn’t seen her since last Christmas I think. I’ve made visiting less & less since moving an hour away and finally just gaining some peace in my own home and enjoying my kids. We were always made to feel like burdens and knew we were in the way. That was just a given and we didn’t know any other way when we were little. But as an adult, I know better. There is another way and although some, if not many, people don’t understand the nature of a tumultuous bi-polar mother/child “relationship”-I’ve come to learn that that’s ok. They don’t need to understand. I just need to be safe and ok in order to provide my kids with the love they need and deserve. I’m not perfect in any way, shape or form and I make mistakes all the time. But they won’t be the kind’ve mistakes I grew up with because the emotional and physical distance I’ve put between her, her issues and myself and my family is what helps me to break the cycle. My kids are well, I’m getting well with them and they inspire me and I consider them blessings, not burdens. I discovered once I had kids that you do what you need to when it comes to your kids. If that means VERY limited access to her as a grandparent then I am ok with that and nobody but ME has to understand my reasons. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point and I am considering starting counseling because God knows I’d benefit from it! I especially can relate to your comment about the “pitbull”. I know my mother could never and will never be able to be trusted. I got burned over and over and over during my childhood thinking eventually she’d be normal but that never happened. I now realize it’s not her “fault”, it’s a disease and somewhat find odd comfort in it knowing that perhaps she could’ve been different without the disease. She was always so selfish. She used to be able to guilt trip me but that doesn’t work anymore with me. She still tries all her tricks and I see her manipulating my younger brothers & sister. They unfortunately live with her and so that naturally means they better do what she says when she says or she calls the police and lies. Shoot last week the police showed up at my sis’s work due to her calling them. It’s pure madness. She’s heavily medicated these days and I pray that she’ll be put in assisted living or a nursing home where she can be monitored 24/7. I’ve had to ingrain in myself how sick she really is and that it’s better left to the professionals to help her as they’re trained to handle people with her complications and illness. Sometimes I think it’s sad because nobody can WANT to live that way-they think they have to and/or feel they have to. Anyhow, just wanted to let you know although it never goes away completely, it does get a little better eventually. Plus I obviously needed to vent! 😉 I hope you can find some peace soon and get away from all the chaos that I’m positive is inflicted in your life. Just remember we’re not alone and that we have this wonderful thread to turn to when nobody else gets it.
My mother has a mental disease the signs and symptims are of a depressant bipolar disorder and she won’t go get tested or treatment and she blamea everyone for everything bad in her life she is never wrong she is loud and very indimadatin. My whole life she was verbally and psychical abusive when I would tell famiky she blamed me for being a angry teen but she would do this to her friends until they gave up on her every job she had she would loose as she would try to tell the boss what to do and then she would blame the work when she was unemployed. At tge age of 14 I moved out and tryed not talking to her or only seeing her 1 in a month but nothing worked I still got abused and blamed for her s*** life. Its been nearly a year and ive just had to wipe my hands of her but she keeps texting me abusive msg and trys to call but I dont answer or reply if I change my number shw just abuses my nan until she hasno other choice but tk give in I need help how to get her to relize im not givibg in this time as I have to stop thinking about her and think about myself and my husband. I just wish she would get help ive been to counseling and thwy all say she has a mental disease and until she gets treatment im best staying away. Please help im exhausted and sick of the pain and I dont want her to die alone but the way she is giibg she will 😦
edited for profanity
The best thing you can do is cut off all contact. Send her one message telling her that unless she seeks medical treatment and counselling you can’t be in her life anymore. Explain to her that she is too destructive to be in contact with and that you love her but you have to put yourself first and you want her to get better. Tell her you’ll support her when she chooses to get help but until then you can’t have her in your life.
After you send this message you must not reply to her AT ALL otherwise it wont work. This goes for you and your man too cos if either of you give in even once by reacting, replying or contacting her in any way it wont work and your mum wont believe you.
Think of it this way, you have to make your mum see that you are serious. If you reply she wont think you are serious about it. And don’t feel bad because by doing this, in the long run it may eventually push her to get the help she so desperately needs. It puts your mum in the position where it is up to her to get help and trust me, I bet if you go long enough without contacting her eventually she will give in and get help. This is a good way to play it because it puts the responsibility on her and it also acts as a reward for her to get help cos if she wants to be in contact with you she HAS to get help. It’s hard but you’re doing her a favour in a weird way.
Good luck.
Hi, well..i dunno if there’ll be any replies but i jus wanna vent out. I’m 18 wid an elder sister and my mom is bipolar i guess. Dad expired in 2005 n frankly, its hell staying with her. My sister can leave coz she’s financially independent but she stl is here coz i’l b alone to deal with this. Am in college and i hav to stay.its just too much. My mom is verbally and physically abusive. I knw she lyks doin t too. I’ve never seen anyone as selfish as her. God, her drama! Her lies, her manipulation. Is just too much. She evn did enuf to get admitted in a hospital wen she WAs not sick! They refused to take her in and said shez a psychiatric patient. Dats wen we realised for sure. But she wont get help. She jus wants US to do every single thing for so she doesn’t move a muscle. I dunno how long i can take her. Even if I leav, i knw she wnt let us live in peace
I used to feel the same way as you do now and the best thing you can do is try to understand that if she does truly have bipolar then part of her behaviour is not under her control. Basically when she is acting crazy or lashing out at you try to be mature and tell yourself ‘it’s not her choosing to act this way, it’s her illness controlling her.’ If you want your mum to get treatment talk to your family and find a time when your mum seems stable and all sit down and talk with her. Tell her you love her and that you understand that she is unwell and you don’t blame her for her moods. Tell her that you understand that she may feel scared or embarrassed about seeking professional help but that you are all there to help and support her and you don’t judge her at all. Just tell her you want to help her get better so you can all enjoy your lives together. But remember this has to be her decision, you can help her make it and support her but you can’t make the decision for her.
Good luck.
it makes over 6 years my daughter doesn’t talk to me,she blames me for everything ,makes up stories she is almost 32 years old . i found out that she is bipolar..she is pregnat for her second child ,which she keeps me away from her 1st.what should i do
The best thing you can do for your daughter is “leave her alone”.
If she doesn’t talk to you, I’m sure she has a reason. I’m not trying to be mean, I’m being totally honest with my response to your comment. No judgement, just honest opinion. I decided to cut my mother off today. I wonder if your daughter and I share similar feelings of what we have experienced with our mothers, and the pain it’s caused us. Guess I’ll never know.
Why do you think she makes up stories? When I tell people about my mother, they know it’s true because they also have seen her in action. The people I tell are normally family members. Your daughter is obviously hurting about something she has experienced with you, if she hasn’t talked to you in over 6 years. I’m a stranger, and I believe there is “some truth” behind the stories you’re saying she made up about you.
All of this is my opinion. Keep that in mind before you react.
Peace and blessings.
My mother got admitted in the psych ward again last week because she fraudulently cashed 500 dollars in my grandmas checks and she stole my dad’s credit card and racked up over 400 dollars all in two days.. (Among other things) I am happy she is gone and I honestly wish she would never come home. I know that sounds terrible and I feel immense guilt for feeling the way that I do. But this is the first time in a while that I haven’t had to worry about what trouble she’s getting into while I’m gone at work. At least I know she is somewhere secure hopefully getting the help that she needs. And she isn’t making my life hell for the time being.. (Except the constant calls at 5 or 6 in the morning) I’m 21 years old going on 70.. I want to leave so badly.. My whole life I’ve been worried about her. There’s only so much a person can take. I wish they’d just commit her to the state hospital cause every time she comes home she’s only normal for a few weeks till the cycle starts all over again. I feel hopeless
Yea well, u’re not wrong for the way you feel. I guess all of us are going thru the same thing. I still have to deal with her cause right now i don’t have any other option. Don’t stress yourself. You can live happily now. And what you feel..is nothing to be ashamed of.
I am 21 years old and I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I have just stumbled across this site and was extremely saddened and shocked to read many of the responses. I understand that people who have been adversely affected by their loved ones suffering from bipolar want to vent and receive support from others, but to those of you posting who are bipolar- please don’t take onboard the nasty comments.
There is a huge lack of understanding about bipolar disorder. It is a lifelong ILLNESS. No, it is not comparable to cancer, as someone previously explained, but it IS an illness. If someone with demetia poops themself do you abuse them? NO, because that’s not who they ARE that’s the illness they have. You need to be able to separate the person from the illness. That also goes for the person who said that people who have bipolar have a lack of empathy- this is totally untrue. While this statement is true for some bipolar sufferers, it is not true for all (as each case of bipolar is different) and it is certainly not a personality trait but rather a symptom of an episode.
What most people do not realise, is that bipolar is the mind’s response to trauma. People who have bipolar are not weak, in fact many who suffer from bipolar have lived from more trauma than a normal person can endure, hence resulting in a specific stress response: bipolar. I personally grew up with a depressed/schizophrenic mother (trust me- WAY worse than bipolar), a depressed alcoholic father, and a depressed sister. All who were physically and verbally abusive to me growing up. I also have gone through several traumatic experiences including sexual abuse.
And yes, unfortunately the affects bipolar can be extremely destructive for those who have it, and those around them. However, bipolar can be managed with the right medication, therapy, self-reflection and care, and support and understanding from loved ones.
It is near impossible for me to describe to someone “normal” what having bipolar is like. The best way I could give you a glimpse is if you have been severely depressed. Imagine being suicidally depressed (if you can, and only really possible if you previously have been), now imagine feeling like this regularly. Some bipolar sufferers might only get this occasionally, others like me have episodes like this every few months. Now imagine fighting this (near impossible) to keep up appearances and go through life as best as you can without completely crumbling. It is a constant battle. It is not like waking up feeling tired and not wanting to go to work. It is not like having a bad day, or like feeling down in yourself. It is like feeling that you want to die every second of every minute of every day.
Now imagine you start to get better. If you’re anything like me, your “norm” sits below norm- meaning you are pretty much depressed all the time. Anyone who has been depressed: Imagine being depressed and not being able to recover? Then suddenly you get a trigger. It might be drugs for some people, for others it might be an experience that reminds them of a past trauma, or some sort of stress. And suddenly your right back down where you were. OR you’re elevated. Sometimes your high flying and think you can do anything and its basically the best feeling ever which is fantastic for the bipolar sufferer cos honey while it feels great it ain’t gonna last long and its about the only happiness your gonna get for the next few months or even years (can you possibly imagine not feeling happy for YEARS?). (This is the biggest reason that most bipolar sufferers have trouble accepting their illness or taking medication as it can leave them perpetually depressed- rather than extreme lows and highs.) If you’re not “high” you’re “mixed” which is the worst one because it about the lowest state of depression mixed with the most heightened state of agitation (sometimes paranoia, psychosis etc). This is the most scary state for me because I have absolutely no control over myself (I sort of blackout) and run rampant until my episode ends. It is also the most common bipolar episode for suicide.
Sounds like fun huh? And for all of you complaining about so-called suicide threats: 1 in 3 people bipolar sufferers attempt suicide (or complete it). The suicide rate is 10 – 20 times greater than the general population. Telling you their thoughts about suicide is NOT a threat- it is one last grasp for help before they make the jump and it should NOT be taken lightly. If someone with bipolar is talking about suicide they should be admitted to hospital immediately. This is the same as if they are having a mixed episode (as it is highly volatile) or an extreme manic or depressive episode.
For all of you out there who are suffering from bipolar- I feel for you. It is not easy. In fact is really really damn hard. Not only do you have to live with your illness on a day-to-day basis but you also have to live with the criticism and stigma from society. But let me tell you: THERE IS HOPE. While I am still young and have a lot to learn, I have lived with bipolar (mostly undiagnosed) since I was a young child. It has taken me a huge amount of self-reflection, learning, improvement and care for my own health to get where I am today but YOU CAN DO IT. The first step is accept your illness. Then seek help and support. With the right medication, therapy, support and self-awareness you will be able to live a fulfilling and normal life. There are plenty of successful and famous people today and throughout history (suspected) who have had bipolar, and many have attributed their creativity and productivity to their illness.
By the way: While I grew up in terrible home environment with a severely mentally ill mother, I do not blame her for my problems like many of you seem to. I have become stronger through my illness. While I suffer from bipolar I still manage to take care of myself and my severely mentally ill mother who has done to me just as bad if not worse what many of you have reported. At the end of the day she is still my mother and the only one I’ve got. I have also married the most wonderful and supportive man and I also plan to be a mother in future regardless of my illness.
WOW my heart really goes out to all of you. Not quite sure if this is appropriate for this site and if I’m posting wrong I’m sorry but after hearing the same thing from all of you I realize how common this situation is.
So Here is goes my daughter( 3 1/2 years old) lives with her bipolar mother about 3 hours away. I did not know her too well before she got pregnant and chalked up a lot of the “symptoms” as mood swings from the baby. Well they never ended. When my daughter was 1 she filed a false injunction on me and took My daughter away. In the hearing I found out she was bi polar (she claimed she collected disability for her knee till that point.) Well since than she has always made it as difficult for me to see my daughter. Despite never missing a child support payment or a weekend with my daughter i will always be a deadbeat dad, I’m OK with that but recently I have seen her start to aim it at our daughter. She wont wake up, leaving our daughter to fend for herself for hours. Now she is claiming to have seizures and cannot drive for 6 months.(which mean i drive 12 hours every-other weekend to see my daughter.) She also has my daughter convinced she has to sleep in bed with her mother and gave her a phone to call 911 in case mommy needs it. (how do you put that on a 3 1/2 year old???) I pick my daughter up and she constantly tells me that she want to live with me, her mother doesn’t love her, mommy tells me shes had enough of me and to stay in my room, ect…. i could go on for hours but YOU ALL seem to have endured it. DCF, Police, Lawyers all say unless we can catch her in that perfect moment we cant do anything. Unless i can prove her unfit she will have to stay in that house. (She is OCD so her house is spotless so i always look like a bad guy, shes good at making the tears come out when they have to.) Plus she has a rich father who protects and will bury me in legal fees till i cant afford to keep going to court.
Long story short I will never be able to prove her unfit but I am very concerned about the emotional and long term mental abuse she is facing till i figure out a way to get custody. I know this is very personal so any experiences you might be able to share, or if you have any advice to make it easier for my daughter so I can help her cope till I find someone who is willing to listen that just because her basic needs are met that there are long term consequences to being around that 24/7.
If you are unable to get custody of your daughter, then the best thing you can do is provide her the unconditional love, stability, normalcy, and boundaries that she isn’t getting.
DON’T discuss her mother with your daughter. Or at least don’t bring it up, and don’t be overly negative about her. Your daughter will have to come to her own conclusions about that, and you can best DEMONSTRATE the difference between you.
Make sure that your daughter never thinks she can gain an advantage over either you or her mother by playing one of you against the other. Even at her age, it wouldn’t be hard to do, and would set up a behavioral pattern that you really don’t want. I know you will want to compensate for the rough time your daughter has, but love & stability will better serve her in the long term.
Don’t forget boundaries. If your daughter is used to ‘dynamic’ rules, then it’s more important that you have clear, well-defined ones for her.
And as to your drive to pick up & drop off your daughter… You do realize that if you ban electronics in the car, that you have 6 hours of one-on-one conversation with her – or sing-alongs, or whatever INTERACTIVE activity you choose. Use it.
You’re an amazing father and I just wanted you to know that.
My dad was in a very similar situation to you when I was a child. My bipolar mother made it as difficult as possible for him to see me and my siblings but instead of fighting like you are he just gave up and had very little to do with us. Only recently, at age 22, have I begun to forgive him and speak to him again.
Fight for that child, be the stability in her life because trust me, she is going to need a stable and supportive figure more than anything else. Love her and when she is a bit older explain to her that her mother has an illness in her brain which causes her to say things she doesn’t mean. And tell your daughter that none of this is her fault. Sorry for rambling, I’m just thinking of all the things I wish my dad had explained to me as a kid.
Good luck.
Wow what a story. Firstly sorry to you, your wife and your children.
I have experienced 7 years of a bipolar mother in law. She has caused so much heart ache in our family. She has said such hurtful things and done such selfish acts. We have always tippy toed around her illness, always meet her needs, never wanted to upset her. Well NO MORE.
I feel sorry for the mentally ill but when they live in denial of their illness, refuse medication, don’t co-operate and become so selfish at times it’s hard to feel sorry.
We have spent years placing her in and out of mental facilities for the same reason. “Refuses medication, we are crazy not her !!”.
It is absolutely heart breaking watching her in these hospitals and even harder when you see her in a intensive care unit from a failed suicide.
But we can’t keep living our lives running after someone who continually goes manic from not taking meds.
We have 3 young children that have been left in the hands of her manic episode unsupervised. I begged my husband I wanted supervised but he let his guard down . This will never happen again. Unfortunetly she makes such silly judgements when manic and is a danger to our children plus the public.
My husband and I still argue over his mother. We are heading to counselling to save out marriage. I wish he was strong and defended my decision . She has history when manic to threaten to kill a child . Hence why I have restricted visitations until stable.
It’s a roller coaster ride that feels like its never going to end. We just sit and wait for the next abusive phone call.
I feel for you.
Keep in mind that your husband was conditioned from birth by his mother on exactly how to respond to her. He’s going to have to un-learn it. He also has to know that you will back him up as well. It won’t be easy for him to start standing up to her, if he has any question about that. And remember that these changes won’t happen overnight. It will take time, and will occur in small increments. He will probably need validation at each increment.
You may want to send him to the Art Of Manliness article I linked at https://mybipolarmother.wordpress.com/2011/01/28/your-relationship-with-your-mother/
And then see if he will read chronologically here. It covers a lot of the period when I was transitioning Mom out of our lives.
I have a page with the correct sequence at https://mybipolarmother.wordpress.com/in-the-proper-order/
This might seem irrelevant – I suppose you could say I am looking for advice.
I am sixteen years old, still studying in school for my Highers. My Mum’s had bipolar ever since I can remember.
Anyway, you can probably imagine that this is a stressful time for me. The exams I sit this year will determine my chances of getting in to university, which is really important to me. Because of this, I receive a substantial work load each week; essays, revision. I usually come home to the house in a mess with dirty dishes or unwashed clothes etc. This has become a part of my life, so I accepted it. I like to keep the upstairs (My Room and Bathroom) clean. I spend the majority of my time alone in my room now.
My Mum often criticises me.
A few examples may include; I’m unhygienic, I’m spoiled, Unappreciative.
Yet ironically, at her worst she will go weeks without having a shower, Has my Dad do absolutely everything for her, and never bothers when someone does something for her.
There would be other examples, perhaps even how I live my life (Although I have never drunk, smoked, go out to parties etc) but I won’t get in to that.
At her worst, she has told me (through various stages of my life)…
She wishes I was never born (When I told her I was being bullied)
She has attempted to starve herself
She hates my Father
I ignore her, now, in her depressive state. I don’t know what else I really can do. I live with her, that’s just an inconvenience to me. My life is stressful enough without her adding to it. I have the opportunity to leave home next year (at 17) but I’m assuming she would guilt trip me, as she always does to everyone.
It is sad really, but I do want to leave. I feel as if both parents burden me with their stress, yet I could never tell them this. Why? Again I would be guilt tripped. I see a lot of bipolar parents saying “I had a bad childhood”
Quote my own Mother too. To those parents; is it entirely fair that I have to suffer? Through no fault of my own?
I know I may come across as being narrow minded, but the point stands – I suffered. I could blame my parents for the way my life so far has turned out, all the bullying, all the faults in my awkward personality; but, do you know what?
No.
I want a child of my own someday. I want her to be happy. I want her to grow up with friends, with confidence. I will never use my past as a means of my own parenting. These are separate.
She could be lost without me, if I were to leave. It irritates me,the fact that I should care when she never could.
Everyone can serve as an example for you. Some as good ones to emulate, others as bad to avoid. You get to choose.
You also get to choose how much you are manipulated – IF you see it. It’s easier when you are no longer dependent on them for financial support.
One of the things that I’ve noticed, but not really ever delved into is that the children of bipolar, manipulative mothers seem to be more ‘in tune’ with the desires of others. You can use that to better yourself as well.
Hi Victoria, I feel so badly for you and the other teens on this site who haven’t had the chance to move out and find that you will eventually be able to carve a life for yourself one day. Just hold on to that thought, because it will happen. As soon as you have the chance to move out, do so – and don’t be guilted into staying. You will be much better off, and it is the right thing to do.
When your mother says that she wishes you were never born, think of all that you will be one day. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders focused on university. What do you want to be one day? When you get there, think of all the people who will be so glad that you were born to help them with whatever it is that you are doing. Your mother’s opinion (that we are insanely taught to value no matter what the circumstances) is not valid because she is ill. She probably can’t reconcile why you are so put together and she is not.
This situation is not your fault. Keep on doing what you are doing to survive, focus on getting into higher education, move out and keep your distance, and your life will soon become your own. I wish you the best of luck!!!
Hi everyone,
I’ve read some of the most recent comments and it’s been interesting. My mom is bipolar she’s been ever since I could remember. Let me just say i love my mom, me talking about her and our circumstance now and what it was in the past is me wanting to only to bring light my overall message and to share my story. My dad told me my mom has been bipolar for a long time. She divorced my dad when I was five. My mom physically and emotionally abused all of us while she was married to my dad, my half brother got the blunt of it. once she divorced my dad she left us with him (which was the best thing she did for all of us) But over the years she tried to get in contact and once a year she would visit my brother and I and after every visit it would unfortunately end badly with me and my brother frustrated by the negativity she brought, the emotional abuse, and the feeling that nothing we did would ever make her proud of us, Over the years i didn’t want to face the fact that she was bipolar, and neither did my brother. It was easier for me think that she was normal and just made mistakes than her being mentally ill. For some reason theres a sense of hopeless that comes from me acknowledging that because shes still in denial, and refuses to get help. I am now 19 and over the last couple of years I’ve tried to figure out how to have a healthy relationship with my mom but nothing has helped. Im just getting done visiting her in japan right now, I came in hopes of convincing her to get help and start counseling but it didn’t work. Im actually leaving a week early because she had one of her episodes and said some very hurtful and crazy things and I just don’t think it’s healthy for me to be here. I I noticed in a lot of comments that there was a lot of anger toward there moms for being bipolar…I also noticed a lot of mothers not being able to understand why kids could be angry. First I understand the anger the bitterness from children of bipolar parents, I was like that towards my mom for a long time up until the last couple of years and to be honest every now and then I catch myself being angry and bitter over something she does. I liked to say as reminder to myselfvand to others that
Long lasting anger and bitterness only harms ourselves. Let me also its okay to get angry but to dwell on that anger is dangerous. I think as children or family members of those who are bipolar we ultimately need to have grace, compassion, and constant forgiveness towards them but with boundaries so we don’t put ourselves or anyone else we love in harms way whether that be physical, emotional, or mental and being educated on the illness does help to understand and have grace and compassion and forgiveness for the person who suffers from the illness. I know my mom doesn’t understand or doesn’t see the same as most people on things and she reacts differently because the fact she’s bipolar. I know she’s incapable of loving the way i’ve seen most my friend’s mom have loved them, but I also know that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me. She’s human like the rest of us, those other bipolar parents who’ve I read about are also human like the rest of us as well they know that they aren’t liked, that there family doesn’t like being around them, they still live with memories and emotions from what they have done; those they have hurt…. honestly they really do in the long run suffer more than us. They are stuck with this illness that effects the way they think, react, talk, and act forever. There’s no complete cure just momentary/temporary that keeps it control and even then they have to have the side effects of the medication and every now then the medication has to be changed because it stops working. My mom will never have a decently healthy relationship with anyone, she will always have the crazy emotions of feeling horrible, guilty, and depressed one day then the next feeling angry enough to want to kill someone and not be able to control it then super happy, then sad, then angry ect. And she faces with the reality of honestly being alone. Even when she accepts her illness and get helps she’ll suffer from the side effects of the medication, the societal shame that comes with being mental ill and so much more. she has already lost my brother who know longer wants to have any contact with her, and unfortunately after this trip I’m putting space between her and I for awhile so that she can experience loosing her children for a bit hoping that maybe the reality of loosing her children will drive her to seek help. So in the future she won’t have to loose us completely. If it doesn’t work I plan on just making visiting shorter, and fewer phone calls I think you have to do what you have to do to protect yourself and your family but also think what’s best for the person with the illness no matter what they have done to you. Secondly, towards those who have said things towards the children who are angry and who have completely left their bipolar parent know that as children a majority of us have been through some sort of abuse from that parent. We have had to live through elaborate lies, manipulation, and abuse. Some of us probably also had to struggle with If our bipolar parent really loved us or not as well as the dissapointment that there is little that we can do to help that person unless they themselves deciders to get help. So There needs to be understanding that bipolar is an illness that causes suffering not only for the person who is ill but the loved one’s around that person. But I do hope the children who have stepped away aren’t doing it because they are angry and bitter but because they genuinely think it’s the only thing that will help themselves and the one that’s ill.
I don’t know what i was looking for when I found this website. Maybe it was an explanation. An answer. Something that would help me finally go to sleep tonight. Someone else who would understand exactly what I am going through. A way to help my mother, a way to heal myself. Reading all of these comments brought me to tears, and not in a good way. I understand your struggle, and I am so sorry for each and everyone of you. However, I am so disappointed in some of your comments. Whatever THIS is it is not what I was looking for . . .
I am a 22 year old college student, who has no idea how to handle her bipolar and alcoholic mother. My parents divorced when I was 10 and I lived with my mother until I was 15, when I was temporarily removed from her custody while she received help. She never remarried, and as an only child I was left without any protection from her–this is a period of time that still haunts me. I can remember the first time she told me there was “something wrong with her”, as she often refers to it. She loves to use that one as an excuse. My childhood was something no one should ever have to experience, and I honestly do not know how I made it through. But I did. All of YOU did. All of us did.
I have suffered almost every abuse you can think of because of my mother’s illnesses, and the bad days have outnumbered the good. Indeed, I may be broken, but I am still here and I am trying to move on from this. Trying to help her move on from this. The pain my mother has caused me will NEVER change my love for her. She has stretched my heart out so many times that it has grown to be so oversized. I love that woman more than anything on this earth. Maybe that’s my strength, or maybe that’s my weakness. I wish I knew the right thing to do, but I have already tried all of the “right things” and I’ve learned that what brings me most peace is loving and supporting my mother–despite her many faults.
She tells me she loves me, and that I am her world. And despite how screwed up my head is from everything, I truly believe that somewhere deep down, she means it. She loves me the only way she knows how. The only way she can. In those tiny glimpses of my mommy, that sneak out at random times. In her tearful apologies that mean so much to me, I play them over and over like a record in my head. In hugs that, if i close my eyes for a moment, make me forget all of the pain. She explained it best by saying, “some women are just not meant to be mothers”. I hold on because I know that she wishes she could be a better mother to me.
Often in anger, she speaks about how “perfect” I am and how “perfect” my life is. While she loves me, she also resents me. She tells me that she tries to fight it, but there is just “something wrong with her”. No daughter should grow up with a mother who gets angry and jealous of her own happiness. The four years that I’ve been away at college have been the happiest and most stable years of my life. Sadly, my mom just seems to be sinking deeper and deeper. Up until 6 months ago she was homeless. She bounced from couch to couch, trying to get back on her feet. I don’t blame her diseases for her money problems but I know they must play a role. My father is well off, and I will openly admit that I am spoiled rotten. Its hard for outsiders to understand, but its just the circumstance that I was thrown into. I would trade all of the money in the world to cure my mom.
Right when she was starting to earn some money, when she had access to healthcare and her medicine, when our relationship was at its best, IT HAPPENED. Today, she was fired from her job and threatened suicide. IF ANYONE HAS SUICIDE ADVICE, PLEASE RESPOND. While I will also be there for my mother, this is one thing that pushes me away more than anything else . . . As a child, she attempted suicide twice, and threatened it another handful of times. These are the times that have ruined me the most. All of the psychological and physical pain does not even compare to seeing my mother in the hospital bed. Even though she has cried wolf many times before, each time she threatens to take her life I will always take her seriously.
I lay here, at 4am, in the same spot I was in 10 hours ago when she called. This time it was pills. I wonder if she took any? If she even has any, or if she just made it up? Maybe she was just looking for attention? Maybe she wanted “to see if anyone even cares” again? Or maybe she just wanted to hurt me? Maybe she laughs when I beg her not to do it, just like the times before? But maybe she looks like she did in that hospital bed. I do not know when I will shake this feeling, but everytime I close my eyes I see her laying there.
You are all still very angry, I can sense it. You have cut your mother out of your life, and you claim that you’re better?? Come on, you’re still on this website. You’re not better . . . you’re bitter. I would love your honest responses. Feedback. Just to talk to someone that can relate. In no way am I judging any of you, because it is impossible to know how to handle a bipolar mother. But if you’re still here, I think you might still be looking for something. Who knows, maybe all of us will always be trying to piece ourselves back together. I just know that I will never be able to give up on my mother, even though she has given up on herself. I think there is a part of me that will never be happy unless she is. A part of me that dies a little every time I wonder if she actually swallowed the pills. All of the madness does not even compare to the thought of losing her. The thought of never getting my answer. My mother. My missing piece.
* edited for profanity
If you really want honesty, I’ll give it to you. Your comments have the hallmark of the classic “sheep in wolf’s clothing.” You try to present yourself as understanding, and you even say that you are “not judging” – and yet that is exactly what you are doing. You criticize us for distancing ourselves from our mothers because we have decided that is the best way to deal with an extremely difficult situation. You seem to consider yourself a saint whereby you are so much better than the rest of us because you continue to deal with your mother when we have chosen not to.
Do you really think you are telling any of us something new when you say that we are angry? Of course that is one emotion that we feel – how could a normal person not feel some anger in such a situation? You imply that it is wrong to feel angry. The only thing harmful about feeling a range of emotions is if you let one or more of those emotions take over your life. But feeling them is to be human.
Once I had my own children, I realized that my priority is now their needs. In some ways it made it easier to put my mother’s behavior into perspective, because I’m forced to have a different focus. My mother has chosen not to get help, and while that’s sad and painful for everyone, that’s her choice. I’m not letting that madness into the world that I’ve created, and I certainly don’t need to be judged for it.
Good luck seeking advice on your mother’s suicidal tendencies – doubt you’ll get any from anyone here. You are really only seeking applause for your sainthood, anyways.
I identified with a lot of what you said regarding your situation. My mum has been single for 16 years since my Dad left us and despite her bipolar disorder I know she loves me as much as she has the capacity to and in the only way she is capable of. I identified with your comment a lot because I know that feeling of responsibility too well. I also know how it feels when I get to see my ‘real mum’, in those brief moments when she is free of mania or depression, and I know beneath the illness is a woman who would lay down her life for me, a women who would always go without so I wouldn’t have to. This of course does not excuse the stress and trauma she has inflicted upon me through her denial of her illness and her refusal of treatment.
I know it is so easy to judge others when you believe you know what they are dealing with, what their motives are… but you have to remember, even though the posters on here all have one thing in common – a bipolar mother – each individuals’ circumstances are hugely different.
What I’m trying to say is you should not judge those who have cut off their bipolar parent. You don’t know their situations and cutting off your mother is never an easy decision for anyone to make but I know for some it is truly for the best.
Obviously you and I are both in a situation where maintaing relations with our mums is the better option for us, as opposed to severing all ties. For me personally I could never cut off my mother, yes she causes me a great deal of grief, pain, stress and inconvenience but she has no one else in this world to look out for her how I do and she is an amazing person, a solo mother who struggles with mental illness but would still do anything for me. She can be malicious and abusive in her manic phases but I know that’s not the real her, it’s the illness. In our circumstances neither of us could imagine leaving our mothers but it’s not going to be the same for everyone. Some of the posters’ mothers are nothing but a toxic influence in their lives to the point where the only options left for the individual is to sacrifice their lives and aspirations to become an emotional [and in some cases physical] punching bag for their mother or to put themselves first and cut their mothers off, as painful as that will be.
Maybe instead of judging we should count ourselves lucky that we possess the perseverance to never give up on our mothers, that our mothers are good, loving women beneath their illness’ and most of all that having a relationship with our mothers is a better option than cutting them off in our personal circumstances. No one wants to cut off their mother, but for some it is either self sacrifice or walk away.
***
To all the people here who have had to make the painful and difficult decision to sever ties with your bipolar parents, I want to say this: I do not judge you, rather I respect and applaud you for having the strength, willpower and emotional control to make this incredibly difficult decision. I applaud you for possessing the insight to understand when a relationship is so toxic and irreparably damaged that the only thing to do is walk away and for being able to fight against the unjustified guilt we all feel to put yourselves, your spouses, your children and your lives first. To those individuals I say bravo.
I’m someone who struggled growing up with a mentally ill mother my whole “entire” childhood. I didn’t have a childhood because of my mothers illness. No pity party here, no blame game etc etc, just “facts” and facts only.
I am now 35. My mother right now today still tries to upset me every chance she gets. I decided today to stop all contact. I asked myself “how am I going to enjoy my life if I allow my mother to constantly make me feel terrible. It can’t work. I’ve suffered enough.magain, I’m 35. This started somewhere around age 5. So yeah, it’s pretty much run it’s course.
I didn’t come to this page to bash my mother. I bring facts and true of my life experience, just how others have left comments before me. I truly sympathize with everyone here. No one should have to experience this. My experiences effect my life right now today. How I deal with people in general. Relationships, trusting people, paranoid that something’s always gonna turn out bad. It’s a struggle trying to break these chains of my past.
Well, I mean, I have so much more I could share, but I think I’ve rambled enough. Peace and many blessings to you all.
I am not the ghosts of my past and neither are you.
You are strong. And you have a beautiful heart. You are not responsible for her actions. But it is amazing that you continue to try and understand them. In the right context, your mother would be able to tell you how proud and thankful she is to have a daughter who is so considerate.
Find support where you can, and know that people are responsible for their own decisions. Ill or not. You cannot force someone to make healthy choices. But you can continue to try and find the good, and to support your loved ones as long as it does not hurt yourself.
I have lots to add, I am a single father of my son 5yrs old that grew up with a bi-polar mother because the courts are so slow to respond. is there a way to add recordings to the site to help people? I will tell more later.
Hi Joe,
What you have written has struck a chord with me as at 22 I have only just begun to have a relationship with my father. After my parents divorced my Dad simply walked away and never pursued relationships with me or my siblings. Recently, when I asked him why he never fought for me and my siblings or tried to get custody he said ‘Your mother was so difficult to deal with and even if I did get custody, if your mother lost you and your siblings she would have killed herself.’
Yes that was his excuse, a] it was too difficult and b] your mum might have killed herself. That’s how he justified leaving his three children, completely unsupported with a mentally unstable mother. Due to his decision me and my siblings grew up no knowledge or understanding of my mother’s illness and no support from any of the adults in the family. In fact, my mother denies her illness and the family never speaks of it. When I was 17 I googled bipolar after hearing the term when my Nana was admitted to a psychiatric ward and figured it out for myself and only a few months ago this was finally confirmed by my Aunt. After a lifetime of living with my mother I finally have confirmation that she has been diagnosed with bipolar. If only I had known this earlier my childhood would have been a lot easier.
I want to congratulate you on choosing to be a single father despite the difficult circumstances and my only advice to you is to fight for that boy and make sure he understands that his mother loves him but she has a mental illness and sometimes she may say mean or confusing things but that this is not his fault. Support him, love him and when he is older he will thank you for the insight, support and stability you provided in such a volatile situation.
I like to see your comment. Mariposita , is very sad to read this horror stories, some of you have no heart , many of you are mothers n all of you better pray to God that your children don’t turn their backs in you , remember all the chances of a child of a bipolar parent run a bigger risk of becoming ill , May God forgive all of you this is a horrific site .
My grandmom is bipolar so does that mean she could go crazy on me at any moment
Hi Ricky,
The short answer is no – it’s a disease that people respond to differently.
There are many people who suffer from bipolar disorder who can manage it well with medication and therapy, and who are able to lead relatively normal lives. I personally think the key (aside from having access to good health care) is understanding that you have a disease and that you need follow the advice of experts. It’s also being able to understand that the disease can cause behavior that is devastating to others, and having the desire and motivation to ensure that doesn’t happen (and if it does, to be able to acknowledge and apologize for the hurt).
It sounds like you haven’t seen your Grandma have an episode, so hopefully she is managing it well. We should do all we can to support people with the disorder who are doing what they can to manage it, but keep our distance from those who refuse to get help and whose behavior is abusive, manipulative and unacceptable.
First thank you but the more posts i read it seems like its such a common thing. Not sticking up for your dad but its is extremely difficult to have a relationship with the bipolar parent n if he openly admits to walking away from the kids is one thing but my baby momma tells her everyday i dont have room for my daughter and i have a new family. My daughter comes here and tells me all this. I know it has to take a toll on her. Despite face timing everyday with her i know what kinda of infulance she has on my daughter. She constantly will say i can get her for extra time and take it away from me at the last minute. Not that i think its right but it defintally would be alot easier to just walk away but thats not me.
It is impossible to try n reason with her as im sure you have experianced. I just wish i could see it through my daughters eye so i can get her i understand what she sees but i cant all i can do is be here for her. It sucks to have to watch it happen cuz i know she doent understand. So what do you wish someone told you when you were a kid to help you understand your moms condition without bashing her mother?
I think we are all just looking for support and understanding not criticism and should not be putting each other down for our decisions. Notgivingup you have my support and I understand how difficult it can be and confusing. We all love our mommies and it is hard to just write them off. I have had to as an adult at times for my own sanity but also feel bad and just try to be the best mom I can be for my children. All you can do is pray for them and stand up for yourself when they do get out of control by saying something like I don’t like how you are treating me so we I am going to go. That is what I have learned. You can still be there for your mother but have to have healthy boundaries for yourself and not right back as that makes it worse. They are suffering too with guilt and shame and do love deep down. I have been out they hell by my mother and still have found some forgiveness but know that there were times I didn’t think bit was fair and wanted to run so far away and never speak to her again for all she has done. That may be best but for now I feel its best to deal with her on a day to day mood to mood basis. I feel for all of us on here and have been the angry one venting before and never thought I’d be at this point. It is good for me though to forgive and my sanity to just let it go and not be angry. My prayers are with all of you and all people struggling with this.
Hello,
I’m 17 years old . Ever since I can remember my mom has bipolar . I remember in one occasion I saw her try to kill herself I was 8. She has a huge ego so acts like she is ms.perfect she always has the reason . She manipulate my dad . She hates me she call me a bitch tell me I’m not worth anything she tells me I’m a manipulative b**** . I’m the youngest out of 5 . She claims she been the best mom in the world . Also she has her favorite . She hasn’t hug since I was 14 . Nor less say I love you . She can make me really angry . She blames everything on me always compares me to my oldest sister. They don’t talk at all for a year now . I have no friends who I can talk. About how I fell cause they won’t understand . Their is much more I can say . All have to say living with her is like hell.
My mother has been bi-polar for all 46 years of my life. A year and four months ago I made the decision to have no contact with her because she started to treat my daughter like she has me my whole life.
We live in a very small town so gossip is plentiful. In spite, mother has taken us to small claims court twice in the last year. The judge agreed we were right which really made my mother angry. Presently she is planning to take me to court again. Court I can handle even though she makes every nasty comment she can squeeze in. The judge has been extremely lenient with her despite warning her to answer the questions without the comments. What I can’t handle is her constant threats. She has called my boss to tell him I’m stealing from her. Something I never did. The bank could not find any proof that I had. She wants me fired. She wants to tell her psychotic delusional stories.
She has called my husband a severe alcoholic and gay. I’m now a lesbian. The scenarios go on and on with no truth to them.
She has pulled my brother back into the fold by dangling the big carrot of inheriting her kingdom. My sister-in-law told me to get a restraining order as my mother’s rage is beyond reason and she will not stop. She is filled with so much hatred for me, she’s made it her mission in life. Essentially she won’t be happy until I’m dead.
It is bad enough that I suffered through the abuse my whole life, she is ruining my life now. All I wanted was, “peace on earth for Christmas” instead I have “hell on earth”! I feel helpless. I’m tired of the pity looks and the “how are you doing? No, how are you really doing?” questions.
I just want to live in peace with my husband and two children.
Any suggestions?
Tinkerbell
Tina Bell, I think your sister in law is right, get the restraining order.
I understand where you are coming from, my mother has suffered bipolar for as long as I have known, she is getting worse as she ages and is also addicted to benzos and pain killers. She is so unpredictable, I never know what to expect from her. I refuse to give her my address, my phone numbers, she doesn’t know where I work. I am 25 years old and her own brother and sisters refuse to give her the time of day because of her volatile behaviour.
At this stage she only has my cellphone number, and txts me on my cellphone with the most outrageous accusations or completely delusional fantasies, she thinks she works, she hasn’t left the house for years…
I am seriously considering changing my cellphone number so she cannot contact me, the only thing that is stopping me is the guilt!
My bipolar mother’s illness always gets worse at Christmas or on any other holiday.
It’s one thing when they try to abuse us. It’s another thing when they start doing it to your children or spouse. If my mother were doing the things yours were, I would have cut ties long ago. I’m so sorry she’s doing this stuff to you.
You are doing the right thing. And you can probably block the number, check the website of your carrier. YOU DESERVE PEACE! you deserve that. And you cannot have that with her in your life. Trust me, at first it’s hard, but once you’ve actually done it, it feels great. : ). Cut ties until you have peace and if she wants to see you it must be under very specific conditions. A meeting in a public place (cuz isn’t it interesting how they can often behave in public), for a limited amount of time. If that isn’t possible, let your child know grandma is very sick and if there’s any way you can see her without any poor interaction, try to take it, just for your OWN sanity for when she leaves this earth. You deserve peace, remember that. And do whatever you need to get it (while taking the future into consideration, like what i wrote above about tiny amounts of contact years from now to save yourself from excess guilt when she passes.
The first time I knew my mother was “different” was when I was in elementary school. Growing up it was just the two of us; I am an only child and my dad left when I was a baby. It was around Halloween and my mother had recently been acting “strange” and by strange I mean she would lock her self in her room; laugh hysterically at the TV; and rummage through all her belonging talking about her past. One day, my mother was singing at the top of her lungs in the bathroom. I walked in to check on her and she had my pack of Crayola markers. She had used them to draw a map of the world on her legs. She was hysterically explaining to me how she visited each one of these places in the past (which she had, she was s stewardess). I was confused to see my mother acting like this… I was after all a 9 year old child.
The night of Halloween my mother got in her car and drove. She typically doesn’t drive on the free way but that night she did. She ended up at a church a couple of miles away from our house. She apparently jumped into the Church’s fountain and soaked herself from head to toe. I remember this vividly because this was Halloween and I was all dressed up in my costume but no body was there to take me out. I asked my uncle what happened, and he explained it all to me.
Another instance of my mother acting “different” was my 8th grade graduation. A few weeks prior to the big event, she was again acting strange; singing at the top of her lungs in the late night, writing notes every where… Our small house was filled with tiny post it notes she had written; words and sentences that made no sense but had the names of people from her life. The day of my graduation, I remember my mother talking to other parents, talking irrationally and just acting strange. I felt so embarresd and sad. I was 8th grade class president, I gave a speech on stage, and the only person I really wanted to make happy was my mother and I knew that she was not all there. How can I make someone proud if they aren’t all there mentally?
In high school my mother and I fought a lot. I was rotten to her as she was to me. She often questioned why I didn’t respect her. How could I? How could I respect a person who showed no love for me, no compassion? Where was she when I needed her as a child. I had no father; it was unfair for her to not let me have a mother as well.
Our relationship is at a standstill. I am now 24 almost turning 25 next month. We have no communication even though we live in the same house. I try to be nice to her; I try to maintain my frustration with her but sometimes, when the pressure she puts on me is too much I cave in and let my anger get the best of me, but not the way I did when I was a teen.
I feel helpless with her, no matter how hard I try to do right- it is never good enough. There will always be something wrong with me; from my weight/outward aperence to the way I clean my room or how I don’t wear slippers around the house. My mother always knows the right buttons to push with me… but hey, isn’t that all mothers?
I don’t want to say she did nothing for me; there was always food, always a roof over my head, clothes on my back. For that I am thankful. I just wish emotionally she was there for me. Instead I feel like she is a landlord and I am a tenant. It has felt that way for years.
I have decided not to have children. I never knew what it was like to have a good mother so I don’t think I could ever be a good one either.
I have a bipolar mother and said I would never have children for basically the same reasons you cited. I was worried I would turn out to be just like my mother and my children would suffer because of it.
Then, in my late 30s, I unexpectedly got pregnant with my daughter. Oops!
The first time I was alone with my daughter after she was born, I sat in my hospital room, holding her and looking into her eyes. I promised her that her life would be a lot different than mine was. She would never go without or be subjected to emotional abuse. I would never make her feel like a burden to me or unloved. That I would always be there for her for as long as she needs me.
Honestly, having a child healed so many of my childhood wounds. I got to relive my childhood vicariously through my daughter. By giving her a good life, stable home, and upbringing, I was able to move on from my past. I highly recommend giving it a try 🙂
Your experience sounds exactly like my sons mother. We are not together now and I (father) have full custody now of my son. It is not your fault, your mother has a problem that she can not control. Honestly in my experience and hearing your story your mother needs hospitalization and needs to be medicated for her and for your family’s best interests. As for you not wanting to have kids might be a very good decision because this illness is hereditary and might be passed on to your child. Having this illness is not something I would not want to pass on to my children.
Bet wishes and Merry Christmas
Joe.
Thank you for this page. I do not think people can begin to understand how it feels being raised by a bipolar parent. My Mother has always been bipolar as long as I can remember. However she refuses to acknowledge it or get medication. She seeks counseling in her continued cycling. Only to walk away from it if they try to diagnose her or give her medication.
My mother has subjected me to a very cruel and abusive upbringing that is all too very similar to the experiences I have read on here. I have been able to keep an on again, off again relationship with her up until now. I am in my late 30’s. I am at the point that I need to be able to release myself from her and not feel guilt.
I moved over 800 miles away from her three years ago with my family and she proceeded to use her antics to get attention. She tried to say she was having a mental breakdown, on verge of suicide. When this did not get the reaction she expected from me she then tried to imply that she had a heart condition and would have to have heart surgery. Of course she did not have these ailments or surgery.
She refuses to come to see me at my new home. She says she cannot fly or drive. She is 60 years old and manages to avoid any small act that would require her to be independent, reliant, selfless, or responsible.
She is fine to admit her mental problem if she can use as an excuse to not have to do anything for anybody else or herself for that matter. She has no relationships with my children and thinks that it is my fault.
She does not want a relationship with me nor does she want anyone else to have a relationship outside of her. If a Brother or Aunt or my own Father want to have a one on one relationship with me she is jealous and will do whatever she can to destroy the relationship. It feels that she takes pleasure in seeing me alienated.
I cannot recall anytime when my Mother has ever been there for me emotional or financially.
In July my oldest daughter that attended College in her State that she never talked to or hardly seen was in a car accident. She passed away fro her injuries and my Mother has not shown any support in any way. She does not call or visit or write. I only get weird, vague, attention seeking status post. I called her last night to have tell me that I was rubbing her nose in my relationships with my support system to get me through the grief of losing my daughter. I have no more to give. I cannot handle anymore heart break. I cannot take anymore on this merry go round. I have to get off. How do I ease my guilt of turning my back on my own Mother?How can I do this if this is a disease and not within her control?
Will I live to regret this?
IS this the right and healthy thing to do?
I went through similar experiences, and am of a similar age. I felt incredibly guilty when I cut off contact with my mother a few months ago. As the weeks have gone by, I have never felt more free, self-confident, and happy. It was the best thing I have ever done for myself, my husband, and my children. Commit to giving yourself 6 months of no contact with your mother, and see how you feel. I guarantee you will feel like you have lifted an elephant off your shoulders.
I can relate to everything you are going through. I too have dealt a mother very similar to yours. I too am struggling with the guilt of letting her go to her own devices. I know that you not regret it, nor will I. I have done this once already and somehow allowed myself to get sucked back onto the crazy train. I remember the 2 years I spent without and calm that went with it. Why do we feel guilt. What wasted emotion. Let’s face it you have never really known your mother anyway, or at least I have never known mine. My family tells me stories of the person she once was but you couldn’t prove it by me. I know the person that is manipulating, harassing, and self serving. I know the person that tells me she loves me one minute and then tells me what a piece of $%it I am the next. I know the person that alienates me from anyone that she sees as threat, without care or concern that this may be my brother, aunt, grandmother, or friend. I have only known what she has brainwashed me to believe over the years. I am always left feeling hurt, alone, and just plain not good enough. I can’t fix her! Ever! I need to again let that go. I need to live my life for me and mine. I can fix her crazy. Do the things that make you feel happy, involved, and good. Your mother is never going to change and her happiness is not your responsibility.
“Sometimes I hate you and then hate myself for hating you. But I do not feel love from you, ever. I try and try and try to make you laugh, be happy and enjoy being around me but nothing matters to you but your deluded reality. You don’t see what you do to me, how you’ve crushed my spirit, shaped me into an approval seeking, affection starved mess. Being around you makes me want to not exist because I’ll never escape your effects and you’ll never understand. Today your noisy passive aggressive clanging of things around the house made me so anxious I was close to tears. So I tried to make myself small, to disappear as to not get caught in the storm. Compressing the tension within me into the tiniest volatile ball.
Yelling across the house in her accusatory, critical tone. The very one she asks us not to take with her. It leaks into my room, obliterating any hopes of sanctuary I held for the evening. Stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp dread-dread-dread-dread
Dad taught me to seek the chihuahuas out of the daydo paneling for fun. They look more like possums to me, wide eyed, terror stricken. He never gets that look. My mother’s stoic carer, he never whispers a word of his burden. The sadness and strain of his can only be seen in the empty bottles, the creases in his brow or the tint of sorrow in his grey sunken eyes.”
I couldn’t believe some of the stuff I read on your blog, I could write some of the same stuff about my own mother. Being able to talk to other people with similar experiences is almost therapeutic. It is probably why my siblings and I are so close. I don’t want to leave a specific example of the crazy stuff my mom has done or said because, with my luck, she will find it and then accuse me of attacking her or something, but trust me, her craziness is right up this alley. I am adult now and married, and I sometimes fear one of my in-laws will find out that, when I was a child, my mother was the topic of a feature article in a very popular and respected magazine because of some of her craziness. It’s bad enough my in-laws are already scratching the surface of knowledge of her nuttiness.
Dear annon and Tinker Bell. 2 phone calls ago I told my mother I wouldn’t speak to her again after a big argument. The next day I talked to a counsellor about my family history or my version of my history. After this i was able to see things more clearly, phone my mum and say our relationship at present is negative for both of us and it is best if we have a break. That you go your own way with my blessing and may you be happy.
That was 3 weeks ago and though I often think of my mum i know having any contact with her will only be hurtful and gain nothing as she is sick.
My mother is bipolar or borderline personality disorder or both. I am 40 now and still experiencing what I can only describe as shell shock. 3 of us kids were only communicated to via her yelling and insulting us. If we laughed at a joke that wasn’t hers, the insults, rage and yelling started, if we didn’t compliment the food she cooked, or if we complimented it too early (then we were LIARS!), etc. We woke up to it and we went to sleep to it. Lately i’m remebering when i was first devloping breasts at 12, and i had to tell her and ask her for a bra. She threw one of hers at me and cried that we were the same size. and that was it. I walked away with an underwire bra that was way too big for me and had nothing to do with me. I wore it for a long time. I had no adult to talk to or to help me…with anything. I spent my entire childhood walking on eggshells and never had a conversation with an adult in my house. I could barely communicate when i left the house at 18, it was like being raised by wolves. And now my functioning level isn’t that high. Better than my brother’s, poor kid. He’s 31 at still lives with her, he’s terrified of everything and has worked a total of 2 years his entire life. He lives in an emotional hell. I have no qualms saying I wish i had never been born. I had to cut my mother out of my life for the most part because she takes a great toll on me when she’s near me. All she talks about is how much better she is than everyone else, which is like nails on a chalk board to me knowing how she f’g treated me. And give her an ear within minutes after bragging about herself she then starts degrading into how awful this person is or that person and how everyone wrongs her. It makes me bristle. Every story is about how the world owes her and how the world is unfair to her. and eventually bragging about her suffering so she can reap pity. Yeah, had to listen to that for my entire childhood, i regress every time i hear her mouth. I still have *some* contact, purely so that if she dies the guilt isn’t worse than it could be. I understand she is sick, but here i am struggling to pay my rent because keeping jobs are hard for me, i have no partner because being in relationships are hard for me, etc. All i can do now is find a little peace that i know i deserve. With my “mother” in my life that would be impossible. As it is it takes me a great amount of will power to keep myself from feeling hate and disgust. I struggle with it. But i do the best i can not to give in. I have to take meds for bipolar cycling, but i won’t have children. My mothers line needs to end.
My mum randomly gets really depressed. She used (maybe still does) take anti depressants for a horrible experience in a past job. However randomly she will flick from nice loving mother to extremely angry and depressed for usually no reason. Recently she got extremely angry and aggressive and started smashing up all the plates and bowls in our kitchen and saying she has wanted to commit suicide, this was over the smallest of matters. I think she needs emotional help to try to get her back on track as I am starting to get abit scared. I don’t know if I am worrying too much but I want her to get better so bad. Sometimes she can be the lovliest mum in the world but other times something just flicks and she turned into a depressed mess. Please any advise or help? Thanks
It’s not normal to smash plates to deal with anger or depression, so you are probably right that she needs help. However, you have to remember two things: this is not your fault, and you also can’t make your mom well (or even make her seek help). The only thing you can do is take care of yourself. I wish I had better advice than that, but I don’t – so take care of yourself!
My mom is depressed and has bipolar disorder. I am not one to deny the seriousness of mental illness, nor to treat it as anything but a disease. However, I have trouble distinguishing between my mothers personality and her bipolar/depression. She has always been erratic, anxious, opinionated but weak willed, generous but selfish. I believe that these characteristics are my mother intrinsically, but these diseases underscore them. She is not one to refuse medication, but rather no medication seems to come without harmful side effects- in fact, Im writing this right now because she keeps on trying to talk to me while slurring her speech because of this new medicine. She puts herself in vulnerable positions… she gets in fights with her parents while under the knowledge that it will only increase her anxiety and symptoms. Also, I find that MY feelings and MY mental health are sacrificed so my mother is pleased. She is always making comments so I can refute them- like “I’m so fat” or “‘Im a bad mother”. My father has made it so that every action of his is to cater to my mother, and to avoid fighting whenever possible. I am forced to apologize to a crying mother because I get upset when she goes through my drawers, when she tells my little sister to watch what she eat (this wouldn’t be that bad, but my mother also had severe eating disorders, and is all about image). I have seen my mother cry more than she has seen me cry. I feel further and further isolated from my parents. I hate thinking that my mother has lots of faults, because I don’t know which ones are attributed to her bad mental health. I also fear that I will inherit her bad mental health, considering my family has a large history. I hope that my message makes someone feel less solitary in their experiences, and I hope you realize that mental health disorders are not just harmful to the sick person, and you are allowed to hurt.
I just got off the phone with my mother who in the last couple months has decided to go off her meds, put me through hell, and check herself into a nursing home. Now come to find out this nursing home is not up to her standards, Go figure! Can you believe that? Her deluded self had her thinking that she was checking herself into the Ritz! She will never cease to amaze me. These are the parts of her illness that I can laugh at and refer to as her shenanigans. The parts that were not so funny was her asking me today on the phone if I hated her? And what wasn’t so funny is me not knowing the answer. I can’t bring myself to say, “I love you”, to her. But I will never be callous enough to tell my mother I hate her or to really hate her in my heart of hearts.
Then came the manipulating. Feeble attempts to get me to do things for her. Acting like in the last 2 months she has not harassed me and called me at home and work both day and night to tell me I was a crap and she wanted nothing to do with me. Pretending that she doesn’t remember conversations we have had over mundane parts of my life in the recent past, so I have to repeat these things to her again even though we both know that she remembers. And the icing on the cake, she brings up a “half-assed” apology for her recent behaviors towards me. And in the same breath, dismisses her responsibility in her actions because you know she was sick. Or, “I know I was kind of petty.” Which in the past, honestly I would have counted this apology as a win. It would worked because I would never want to hurt my own mother and make her “pay” or “grovel”. I would have taken my lumps and rolled on into the next thing. Paying no mention to the fact that she has hurt me and continues to hurt me, her only daughter repeatedly.
No, she does not admit that she knows she was hurtful to me. She would not ever just come out and say, “I’m sorry for hurting you”. Because I now realize she would have to be incredibly strong to admit that. Admitting she was wrong, would really put a chink in the her delusional armor. If she admits she was wrong for hurting me now, what other things has she been wrong about in the past? It would completely ruin her. She is not strong enough to acknowledge the amount of pain that she has afflicted on me and take ownership of it. I’ve barely made it through it and I have been conditioned in hurt my entire life.
But in all fairness I am not sure that an actually apology would do any good. It may be too little too late. It may be that I am just not ready to accept it.
I just cannot seem to want to stomach any more of her nonsense. I just can’t seem to find the will to care about how she feels. It’s not that I that I want to outwardly hurt her. It’s just that I don’t care if she is feeling hurt. I am not sure if this enlightening or not. But I am enjoying the freedom of not caring right now.
I am 23 years old, and my mother has bipolar. I have done some research over the years, but for the first time ever, today I started doing research for myself.
Growing up in that type of household, it took me awhile to grasp what was wrong. As a child, I knew that my mother would spend a lot of days in bed, and me and my siblings knew better than to disturb her. We could only go in the room if she called one of us to get her a drink, make her food, or something else she may have needed. But, sometimes she would be up for days on end, writing, on our new Macintosh computer (’90s kids…).
My mom even got sent away a few times when I was younger, but my father just said she went to spend a weekend vacation, or some arbitrary excuse. I was too young to see through it.
Then, as I started to get into my teens, it was as if there was an explosion. One of my own understanding. And my mother’s level of sanity completely ripped away.
My mother’s parents (and the grandparents who had helped raise me and shelter me from most of the bad that had been going on) died within two months of one another.
My mother became completely unstable. One second we would all be in the living room dancing to Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” and she would seem so happy. Then, she would be back in bed demanding we take care of her because she was “sick”. My mother has been “sick” more than anyone I have ever met in my life. She has some kind of pain or another. Then, after a few days or weeks of bed rest, she would be claiming she was speaking with Jesus or philosophizing with Ralph Waldo Emerson. She would love us. She would tell us how proud she was. Then she would forget to pick us up from band or cheerleading practice. She would call us “ungrateful little prissy bitches” and claim that she didn’t love us and we meant nothing to her. She would instigate fights with my father constantly. He would choke her until she turned blue, slap her, punch her, and hit us if we tried to get in the middle.
After this went on for awhile, she started in on us. To this day I cannot remember what I said, all I know is that it was a perfectly harmless statement. Next thing I knew, I was shoved into our hallway wall with all of my mother’s strength and she put her hands around my neck and squeezed until my face was blue and my dad pulled her off of me.
Since turning 18, I have shut my mom out of my life periodically. My father too. Both were extremely emotionally and physically abusive. My mother still is to this day.
In fact, that’s how I found this site. I brought her a pack of cigarettes last night, and it wasn’t good enough for her.
I woke up to a text from her this morning saying how selfish and greedy and horrible a daughter I am.
I love my mother so much, and it’s so hard to know what to do.
I never know what to do when it comes to her.
She has a psychiatrist she sees, but she is extremely EXTREMELY smart and also a master manipulator. She has convinced her doctor that she has all these problems 6 ways to Sunday to get her on the “good” stuff.
Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention, she is also a self-medicating drug addict. She claims to have PTSD, ADHD, Anxiety problems, pain problems. She will admit she has everything on the planet except what she really has. She will never admit she is Bipolar. And that, I think, is the hardest part for me. Because only she can make the choice to really fix herself, and she doesn’t want to. I love her and it kills me every time I push myself out of her life, but I’m about at that point again. I have given her chance after chance after chance.
I am so lost as to what to do anymore. I have seen some mothers with bipolar on here ask “how can you just leave your mother behind? that’s terrible!” NO. IT’S NOT. This disorder makes you feel as if the whole world revolves around you. That everyone owes you. That nothing and nobody is every good enough. Delusional. Insensitive. Hell, I can’t even talk to my mother anymore. I mean, she does plenty of talking, but a few years ago she completely stopped asking about me. What she has to say is always so important. She won’t ask me about my day. My college classes. My fiance. My life at all. She is the most selfish self-centered person I have ever met. I love her so much, and it hurts more than anything to not ever really feel that same love back. That’s why us children push away. Because we can’t fix our parents. We can only put together the broken pieces of ourselves that they left us with. Bipolar disorder, whether a parent can help it or not, is a whirlwind of chaos and tragedy and pain.
Sometimes, walking away, though it hurts, is the only thing a child has left to save themselves and their sanity.
Candice,
“Delusional. Insensitive. Hell, I can’t even talk to my mother anymore. I mean, she does plenty of talking, but a few years ago she completely stopped asking about me. What she has to say is always so important. She won’t ask me about my day. My college classes. My fiance. My life at all. She is the most selfish self-centered person I have ever met. I love her so much, and it hurts more than anything to not ever really feel that same love back. ”
I could not have said it better myself. I can relate to everything you have wrote and it is chilling how close your family life was to mine.
You are so “right on” with everything you have said in your post. Disconnection is the key to self preservation. You have to take a time-out and re-group at the very least. Bipolar mothers are like love and attention vampires. Keep them at arms length. Sometime it helps if I just don’t think of her as my mother at all. Then I can’t be so easily hurt by her. I am able to keep my boundaries that I have set and focus on my own lovely family that my husband and I have created together. It’s not easy.
Stay strong! You are a good person!
I can relate to all of these comments so much, I’m currently 19 years old. My father committed suicide when I was 6 months old (he was also bi polar) then my mother became deeply depressed, but in the meantime tried to look after me as best as she knew how at the age of 19. A year later my mums mum committed suicide (also bipolar) and this became a bigger strain to her and as you would understand could make her very sick/ deeply depressed. Over the years she just got worse and worse. My family is very small and not very close so she didn’t really have anyone to lean on but she has told me a few times that I’m the only thing that has kept her alive. That I was the miracle that came out of this garbage situation. When I was in year 3 she had her first episode, I didn’t really understand it at all but I remember being out in a foster home and she was sent away. I didn’t get to see her for three months and nothing was really making sense as I was only young. I finally was reunited with her months later and we started to live with eachother again, she was then put on medication. I was too young to understand but as I grew older I started to understand the illness and why she was like this. Then in the end of year 10 she suddenly decided we’re moving back to Tasmania (my hometown) where my more distant family lives. It was so quick and so out of the blue and very unorganised, but I just took it as mum making a decision she’s been wanting to for a long time. We moved over and lived in an apartment together, after about a couple of weeks she was writing letters, heaps and heaps of letters and storing them away in a cupboard saying if I read them I would be in a lot of trouble. I didn’t really understand but I started to have hunches she was getting sick again because of my previous knowledge, I secretly read the letters and they were all very manic and weird about my family and their ‘plots against us’ lots of messed up things, then one night she woke me up in the middle of the night and told me we need to pack up and leave and go to the air port immediately, this is when it kind of clicked and knew she was having an episode, we were walking around Hobart city with nothing but my dead phone and the clothes on our back. All our stuff still in the apartment. Long story short. We ended up at an airport after many suicide threats to me and me trying to help the best way I knew how, I called my great grandma and the ambulance took her from the airport to a hospital again. It was the scariest 5 hours of my life and I had no idea what to do, I was helpless. I love my mother so much and to see her confused and psychotic was something I never want to experience again. Her illness definitely made me grow up a lot. I got sent back to Adelaide to start year 11 and mum stayed in a ward back in Tasmania for a couple of months. When she finally came back we lived together for a whole but it just wasn’t working. We fought a lot and I had so much anger in me. I moved out by myself at the age of 16 and it took a while for our relationship to build back up again but we managed to make it work. I love and care for her more then anyone in the whole world but her illness was affecting me too much. So instead of cutting her off I just moved apart, now when we catch up it’s a lot easier. And we’re still building/ working on our relationship but it’s getting there.
I try to look after myself as much as I can, I really hope that I don’t get bi polar, I know there’s a strong chance it could be hereditary because of my family tree. But I try to stay as positive as possible. It’s a nice feeling to know that I am not alone.
Everyone who understands is not alone in this. I am almost 28 years old and my mother has been up and down as long as I can remember. More recently she tried to commit suicide and ended up in a mental institution, unfortunately at this point I can say that I wish she would have stayed there, because she truly needs more help. My father is going through hell because he still loves the way that she used to be, as do I, but she continues to get worse over the years. I don’t know what to do anymore, I am completely lost. She is beyond irrational, and accuses everyone of being against her and apparently we are conspiring against her as well. She attacks everyone around her and accuses them of having split personalities because she doesn’t hear what she wants to hear. She is clearly lying to her therapist as well. I hate to say this, but as long as I can remember I have helped to take care of her, but she continues to get so hostile and vicious and mean, I can’t bring myself to invest and care anymore. Seriously, the harassing voicemails and texts are enough for me to say that there is nothing I can do anymore. I feel sad, but at the same time I cannot invest in this so-called “relationship” anymore because she is completely irrational. I know its hard, trust me, but unfortunately sometimes, there is nothing you can do. I have dealt with this all my life, and now (I’m sorry it took so long) I can say that I’ve had enough and I have to live my life with my husband and leave all that negativity and mean bitter awful things behind. I really hope that this will help someone find their way. I know its extremely hard to leave that person behind, but you have to know when enough is enough. God bless all of you and I hope this may be of some help. XOXO
I am 28. I got beat and emotionally abused. My mom was diagnosed after I moved in with my father at 13. She doesn’t care about me, and it is all I can do not to be disgusted with her or feel sorry for myself. I try to focus on the role I can play in my daughter’s life when she is an adult. Being there for her like my mother isn’t for me. I must admit, it feels goodssometimes to be angry at my mom or feel sorry for myself.
I am 23 years old, I have a 2 year old son and I have been married for 3 years.
My Mother was formally diagnosed with Bipolar when I was 11.
The first time I found her after a suicide attempt I was around 12, from memory. She was on the couch, and the boyfriend at the time called an ambulance, and I had to watch her being driven off to hospital, when she was bought back home she was apologetic and seemed completely normal so I believed it and we continued on this path for years. She was put in a mental institution when I was 15 for a few weeks and I was left alone at home to fend for myself, I had dropped out of school. Yet again when she retuned I forgave and we started the cycle again.
I have had so many days where I ask a simple question and have my head bitten off, or watch her self medicate, or lay in bed crying all day.
I have had sleepovers where she has told friends that she wants to die, I have been in supermarkets where she’s had a mental breakdown over someone looking at her the wrong way. My brother medicated his pain with drugs and ended up in juvenile detention.
I decided to escape it, I met a great man, I fell in love and got married, I met his wonderful normal family, his mother cooked dinner every night and did favours for him. I became so envious it almost ended our marriage. When I fell pregnant I craved my Mother to help me, and she did, she was wonderful for months, so helpful and understanding, until she took an attempt at her own life. She’s in an institution now and I have decided to cut her out of my life, for my sanity and relationship. My family hate me for it.
Im not sure how active this site is but reading everyone’s experiences has really helped me. Im 27, married and have a beautiful 3 month old daughter. My mother has never been diagnosed with anything because she refuses help and thinks its for crazy people. Ive always known she had emotional issues, she grew up without a father and has been sexually abused when she was a child and loves to remind me about it. She usually blows up about every 4 months or so and seems very paranoid. She had me at 16 and has a bad relationship with my father. My father has always been there, paid child support and tried his best to co-parent. I moved out when I was 20 because the relationship was just emotionally draining and started to stay with my dad and step mom. I figured maybe we would get along better if we weren’t in the same household. Nothing got better. However shes my mother and ive always given her the benefit of the doubt, maybe this will be the last time she freaks out over things that never happened. I started to let her babysit while I worked, not the smartest idea but I wanted to bad to have a normal relationship with her and for my daughter to have a relationship with mother. Yesterday she had another one of her episodes, this time claiming I hurt my daughter because she saw a bruise on her head with a microscope (i checked her head for a good 15 minutes once I got home, nothing was there) she also claimed she was having convulsions, I guess only m-f between 8a-5p because ive never seen one. She then said she was moving out of state because my father and I have spread rumours all over the town she lives in and no one talks to her because of it..by the way neither my dad or I talk to anyone that lives where she does. When I would ask her what the rumour is or who told her, she has no answer. Everything she said was so out of left field. She also tried talking to my husband the day before saying she wasn’t sure about my breast milk because she couldn’t smell the vitamins so she has been giving her formula, which in my opinion has already overstepped the line not respecting me. All I could tell her was that being her daughter was exhausting and I can nonlinear have her in my life or my family’s life until she seemed professional help. My step dad jusy ignores it and said shell be fine within the week, but I cant keep brushing it off. What if she does something to my daughter, i would never forgive myself.
I think your last line says it all – you have to stop letting her care for your daughter. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your mother or you don’t want your daughter to have a relationship with your mother. As a mother, your first duty is to your children. You have to protect them. Right now it doesn’t sound like your daughter is in a safe situation, so I would find alternate arrangements ASAP.
I’ve just gotten off the phone with my mother. The hardest moment was when, in a fit of tears, she told me that her friends treat her like she is ‘simple’. She continued to to cry while defiantly claiming that she had done alot in her life, and was not, in fact, simple. It was the doubt in her voice that got to me the most. “You’re not simple, mom. You’ve done alot. We’ve done alot together” What could I say? I wouldn’t mention that she hadn’t been able to hold even the most mundane of jobs for a few days. Dollar store cashier for a few days here. Personal Assistant for a week there. Almost all of it some form of charity. Her last real job was over 10 years ago. I was still in middle school.
She had been slipping away for sometime before they came to take her away again. Most of my life was a constant struggle with her mental illness. When I was very young she had nerves. They made her chain smoke cigarettes constantly while kicking her right leg rapidly. She would swing wildly between intense depression and absolute mania. I once fearfully sat at her feet on the kitchen floor while she stared up and the ceiling, not moving, drooling all over herself. I missed at least a day of school waiting for her to do something. When I tried to feed her uncooked spam, she came to as if nothing had occurred. She then called EVERY SINGLE BUSINESS in the phone book within driving distance to try to find a job. A midnight jog, in her bra and panties, prompted the state to take her away, for the first time, in front of my eyes.
After this episode they had a new name for what she was. Schitzo or Bipolar or both I don’t remember. When she came back this time I thought it was all over. The worst part was going so long without it, believing it was gone, only to have one quick sign dash it all away. I remember having dinner with her years later. She said she wasn’t feeling well and was going to bed. It was 4pm and the look in her eye and the tone of her voice told me everything. She was off the meds again. How could I blame her? I saw her throwing up constantly. The weight gain. How could I blame her now knowing that another decade of the drugs would leave her just a shell of herself. This time she would get confused about who she was. For a while she thought she was my friends mom and not my own. I went to visit my father for the weekend and when I came back she was gone. The police had left their card and info on where I could find her. I lived alone in that condo, skipping school and wondering what I should do for 3 weeks. The next weekend visit with my father came and went without anyone knowing my secret. That would be a theme for my young life. Keeping the secret. Pretending it was all normal.
When she came back this time she had received ECT many many times. She was never the same. They told me she had the intellect of a 4th or 5th grade student. I remember that day because I would start highschool that week.
Since she has bounced from depressing crap apartment to the next. Counting pennys to get by. She took interior decorating classes from the university of Pittsburgh. They put her 12k in debt. She sent me a logo design for her new business. I hadn’t cried in a long time until I saw the feeble attempt.
She is so far gone now. I held onto so much anger and confusion and bitterness that I missed the last few years I had to have a real connection with whatever was left of her. She couldnt do a lot for me and I spent alot of rough years taking care of her when I was too young. I spent alot of years trying to get away from her when I was old enough to finally understand.
I’m 18 and have lived with my bipolar mother since I was 11, I am going to university next year but I’m finding this year really hard to cope. She’s really hard to live with, she constantly thinks your putting her down even if your trying to be nice, she puts blame onto everyone else and can’t accept it when she’s hurting someone or is contradicting herself. She will say horrible things to you and completely deny it and make you look like the bad one to her friends. I know I need to be understanding but it gets so hard when she crushed my confidence all the time and lies to herself and others constantly. She can’t accept and won’t listen to a point of view if it goes against her own and thinks she’s the victim of everything even if she’s caused it. I’m trying to be supportive but no matter how hard I try I’m always angry at her and I know it’s cruel but I can’t help it. I’m going to keep on trying to help her and be understanding but at the moment I just want to leave so I can get away from all this, because the worst part of it is that she’s completely blind abd expects you to be there for her 24/7 but If you ask for anything off her she can’t stand it and says she can’t help we should be helping her 😦 x
my mom is horrible. everyday i get treated like im not wanted and worthless and it’s to the point where i want to either kill her or kill myself. i want to cut and tear up my skin so bad because of the way she makes me feels. she makes me feel like a blank canvas that she starts over tearing down everyday. i don’t know how to deal with it anymore. she has turned my entire family on me. she lies, tells my grandmother horrible things about me and i just want someone to understand
I’m 38, have lived 20 yrs w/my mom’s bp and realize that that’s why I have a screwed up self esteem. All the feelings I’ve read here I’ve had. So I’m finally realizing I AM NORMAL (for what I’ve been through). I guess the hardest part for me is not being able to feel a healthy connection with my mom. There’s a real barrier there…I just don’t feel the natural love I’m suppose to feel for her and it drives me crazy. It must be resentment–she DEMANDED a perfect daughter while what she gave me was pain. The more I learn about mental illness the better I hope it gets. I want to get to the point where I understand her so that I don’t feel so angry. I’ve learned it’s a process and everyone goes through the same stages.
I am an adult now and my childhood was choatic with my bipolar mother. With any situation my mom and I have come across she always would call the cops. I live with depression and she still nags me that I am the worst daughter alive even though, I am a bright person with a 4.0 average in college. I feel like she wants something from me at times but when I deliver it’s not enough. I feel like getting away from her for good but at the same time I can’t but I know I will hurt her, just as she has hurt me. She has ruined my relationships with any guy I have been with. She has not ruined me but I am a sensitive person. I can’t handle anymore with her being in my life. She has never helped me in life it has always been my dad and I have been on my own she has disrespected to many times with the cops with her hitting me and her self hurting and blaming it on me to the cops. Am I making the right decision to getting rid of her.
Thanks so much for this website. I have known for a while that my mum had ‘issues’ – it’s only recently that she is a text book case of bipolar (although on the lesser end of the scale). She has manic episodes and delusions every now and then, which seem to get worse during family get togethers/ marriages/ etc. She also refuses to be diagnosed or take medication as even though she is super-fit physically, is certainly not that way mentally, and thinks that like another poster said “only crazy people take drugs”. She doesn’t have any faith in science, and believes anything can be cured by having a strong mind.
She has even questioned my Fiancee who suffers from second stage progressing M.S, about hte medication he takes, stating she thought it was “all in his mind” and could be cured by thinking positively.
Most recently she decided to tell me she isn’t coming to my wedding and was more concerned about my Dad’s speech and whether he would talk about her than whether she was actually going or not.
I am used to not having her pull through emotionally for me, however it makes me sad to think that I could have had a more supportive mother. I have to just remember not to look too much at the past and take each episode with her as it comes, so I don’t become overtaken with resentment.
I certainly don’t want to victimize myself and be the same way to my own children. I have read it’s common for kids of bipolar parents to be the same, due to raised levels of cortisol during stressful periods – but I guess the opposite is true- you can also learn from the past and use the tools available to you to find support from other areas and other people.
I know I hold my friends close, and my relationship with my sister is improving as a result.
Thank again for the site. I certainly will be back to read other people’s responses and to gain affirmation on days where I am feeling more vulnerable.
Hi Jade – your Mom sounds a lot like mine. Not the super wacky that you see other people talking about but very self-absorbed and unable to realize how her warped perception of the world holds her back from having a full life. Unfortunately I found she got worse as she got older, and my having kids was the breaking point in terms of her hold on reality. All you can do is go on with your life and as you said, learn from how she behaves and get support if you feel your mental health is affected. It’s hard not to feel negative sometimes, but focus on what you have (your fiancé, sister, friends) and think of how lucky you are to have them. Good luck!
It all started sinse I was about 5 my first memory of it my mom and dad fighters a lot and they both had bipolar in one of my moms episodes she scratched me dads back and was token to the police station that was one of the earliest memories I can remember. My dad eventually left he couldnt hand it yet he had mental problems to maybe hers where to much to handle plus his. My mom has a very nagging personality she worries gets paraniod. She is very negative person. I had to deal with this a lot growing up. I remember when I was quite young my mom taking money from the store she worked at and taking off with me and my little sister in the middle of nowhere and we got stranded and I remember it being freezing cold. We finally got back home thanks to helping people. Another one of her episodes she had heard voices and saw things and that’s all I remember about the next episode. My dad left us when i was probably 7. He left my mom with 3 kids to raise by herself on aminimum wage fast food jobs. We moved to a different city. The next memory I have of her is we were at a friend’s house and she started throwing cat food and screaming wierd stuff and my mom’s friend kept telling us it wasn’t her, it wasn’t her. I didn’t really understand at the time what she mean t but now I do. My dad at the time had custody where we stayed every other weekend ( this only lasted about a month) he kept telling us she was possessed and told us he would show us the exercise. ( we were only about 12.) When this happen I remember being in the hospital ( her friend was watching us ) and I just saw my mom being held by two full grown man into the hospital doors and she was just screaming. I don’t remember what she was saying. This was really traumatic thing to see when ur that young. This was her last break down for awhile. She stay at physchatic hospitals every time. I remember when I was little she would just stay in bed all day and not want to do anything. The next two times where very different the second to last time she started saying wierd things she was totally out of this world. She would dance and started doing things she normally wouldn’t she started watching titanic and thought she rose my little sister got scared and called the cops they did nothing. ( at this time she was on disability and I was being home schooled) I was sleeping and I woke up too hear her screaming curse you God and she was just saying really wierd religious things I ran into my room and hid in the closet and called 911. They just talked to her. Then things got really bad one morning she took off in her truck and then next thing me and my sisters one the police where her saying she got in a car crash and she was fine but she made the other person she was in a crash with roll over three times. They later sewed her. A friend later told me she thought she was being chased by the devil. We stayed with a friend till she recovered. The last time she went on a shopping spree with us and spent so much money ok n me and my sister’s. She eventually got committed into the psychiatric hospital. That was the last time till this day when I was about 17 I am now 20. Growing up was really hard she was always stressing me and my sisters out always nagging us. There was never a worry free moment in the house she was very negative person. Bunny we all found ways to cope. I left to job corps. My next younger sister left to washington for college. My youngest sister is still living at home and her coping method is staying out all night smoking cigarettes. So it was very hard living at home. I hope this helps anyone who is dealing with this or has dealt with this just now ur not alone. Many people deal with this u just have to find ur way to cope.
I am 36 and my mother is also bipolar. She doesn’t not have manic highs (that I have seen), but her lows are the lowest if the low. They rage from severe desperation to complete outrage and anger (the world is against her, no one cares or loves her). Growing up I learned early on that if my friends were around, she was capable of putting on airs. So I spent a lot of time at friends houses or having friends over to avoid the abuse. While in junior high and high school, being kicked out of the house was a weekly occurrence. My dad was aware and also at a loss of what to do and did what he could to protect me. Over this period she was diagnosed with OCD and the bi-polar. They eventually divorced and he moved away. We still keep in contact and are close (although not as close as we were when I was growing up) I feel like he left me to deal with her. Years later I still don’t know what to do. She is on medication with multiple other medications for the other “diseases” and “pains” she has. Ever couple months she is in the hospital for something. I believe she also has munchausen.
I am now married and her behavior affects my marriage. Her outburst are frequent and come out of nowhere. Attention and control are the triggers for her. If she’s not the at the center, craziness will occur.
My husband and I got married and didn’t tell her. We wanted a peaceful day to celebrate our love with no drama and didn’t feel this would happen with her there. This act was and insult to her. “I deprived her of my wedding and grandchildren.” She has called my husband a disappointment because we do not have kids. She has no problem contacting my friends and telling them this. Bottom line if my life is not about her it’s wrong.
I have tried countless times to have a relationship with her. Growing up I thought it was normal for a teenage daughter to hate your mother. She has a great relationship with her niece and nephew. And I sit back and wonder why she doesn’t like me. Why did she never try to be normal for me? Why did she never want a relationship with me?
At this point I am at a loss of what to do. I 100% believe that all the medications she is on counter acts the bipolar medication, and have talked to her about it. But she is unwilling to have one doctor review it. Instead she sees countless doctors all prescribing different things along with the over the counter Meds. When she has an outburst and tells me to **** of or she Is done with me, she will usually call back within and hour or two and apologize using her disease as the excuse.
My dad left, cut off all ties and suggest I do the same. My husband and step-mom see the effect she has had on our lives and still sees the effect on me. But we are alone in this, aunts, cousins, nieces, nephews, friends, and countless others don’t. She is a sweet and loving person to them. When I am not active in the latest diagnoses or hospital visit I am ridiculed and called heartless but my participation results in yelling, countless insults and cursing from her. She wants pity-attention. And after this long and so many episodes I walk in stressed and tense. If I push her out of my life I’m wrong but if I leave things the way they are my family suffers.
I have read many post and can identify with so many of the stories. Cutting of contact seems to be, at this point a necessary. But if I do, her only child has given up on her, and the family won’t understand. I am not sure if I can keep putting her needs and want ahead of my husband and our child growing inside me.
What’s my first step in trying to find out how to talk to my mom when she’s talking crazy without her yelling “just because I’m bipolar makes all you think I’m crazy”….. And I never even brought the subject up…. Argue about the simplis things like what’s for dinner… I’m almost 20 and felt like I lost my mom
I am really glad i came accross this blog. I am not alone! my mom was diagnosed about 5 years ago when she had a complete nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalized. ever since it has been a rollarcoaster ride. My mom is a single parent to myself and my brother and has devoted her life to her kids. She has been raped, abused, widowed, married numerous times. She is so amazing at times and then other times she can make me feel like the scum of the earth. the names i have been called i cant even repeat. i have moved out 2ce and have landed up back home. the first time was because of the tremendous guilt she made me feel leaving home and moving in with my bf at the time. they didnt see eye to eye and i couldnt handle the tension between my mother and i anymore so the first problem my bf and i encountered i used as an excuse to break up and move back home. and the second time was because of unforseen job circumstances. i have a 4 year old who lives with me (i am a single mother too). My mother and i have been very close throughout my childhood, mainly because we have gone through so much together. she was abused terribly by my father and then again after that by my brothers father. she was a drug addict, alcoholic (she doesnt admit this). she has also called me terrible things, had episodes where she breaks the house down and doesnt remember a thing the next morning (usually alcohol instigates these episodes) But the main problem i am facing lately is that her moods affect how i live my life. i feel tremendous guilt because she says im never around (i live with her and see her everyday) but she says its not the same. my brother recently left town to study and has been gone for 3 months. This morning she told me that she hasnt been so unhappy as she has been in the last 3 months because her boy has left and her daughter doesnt care about her. she said she thought i would at least be around and our bond would strengthen while he is away but things have just gotten worse. I do care. I am terrified of moving in with my bf because she’ll say im leaving her for him and that im chosing some man over my own mother. my mom has this way of saying things so hurtful that i cant even enjoy myself when i go out because i keep thinking about how hurt she is because of me. its affecting my relationship with my boyfriend and it totally consumes me when we are fighting, i cant think about anything else because she is so good at making me feel guilty. she doesnt like my current bf and she says she never will. but thinking back, she has pretty much had a problem with all my boyfriends. she wants them to include her in everything. i guess she is lonely but to make your child feel so guilty about everything cant be right. i dont even think she realises she’s doing it half the time!
I am 19 and last year my mum was diagnosed with Bipolar. It all stemmed back to when I was 9, my dad cheated on my mum n left to be with another lady. Up until her diagnosis from this event, my mum hasnt been “stable”.
Shes been fluctuating between euphoria and depression. At her lowest she couldnt do anything n just got drunk soon as she woke up, and started to hate buying, preparing, cooking meals. Puttng your drunk crying parent to bed with a sick bowl wasnt too bad, but with her not cooking I had to get food myself n try get her to have things…
Still I would prefer depression compared to the the scariest one, her mania. Its in this state that my mum is dangerous. At her worst she was sleeping with my dad, my step dad, and a guy from her work all at once.
She would drive recklessly fast, couldnt sleep cause she was always full of energy, gained a passion for art she didnt have before and since my dad left to present has overdosed 3 times.
She did it when I was like 9, n I had to call ambulance n my nana.. 2nd time, 5 years on, aparently mum sent me stop someones n tried but failed again. And the last one happend last year wer I called ambulance again n went upto the hospital this time.
When I found out that bipolar was these behaviours, im like “so whats my mum actually like?” I thought this was her just being rash n hyper latly…
most people on here are adult children, I am 19 and in noway mature to handle n help my mum… especially since I believe I am bipolar too. I was diagnosed with depression 2 years ago, but only since reading bipolar following mums diagnosis I relate so much.
Ive had really loopy actions stemming from my dad. Thers so much more I want to say but ther is not enough room on the internet for it haha. I just wanted to share a breif of my life. Thanks for reading 🙂
Just try to remember that the people that judge you breath the same air that you do.What if they had the problem how would they deal with it not so good I guess. So maybe they should take that into account and love you for who you are because you are somebody that needs to be loved . Best of wishes for you and your family.
Why my daughter’s mother won’t take accountability for her death.
As an adult child, having lived in a home with an undiagnosed and untreated mother and emotionally absent father, I can tell you that I choose to have healthy boundaries set in place- not because of bi-polar disorder, but because of the unbelievable risk to my and my family’s safety. Recent stressors have pushed the doors of extreme behavior wide open, and although I would love to be interactive and have learned (the hard way) that forgiveness is accepting the apology I will never get, it’s not enough to battle PTSD or lose my life over. It is heartbreaking to know my mom is suffering and recent deaths in the family, comparatively speaking, are much easier to accept than watching someone I love and respect so much go through this process. It’s a grieving process -very unique because you can watch, cycle by cycle, your childhood hero being swept into depths that cannot be reached or understood, know that somewhere inside their mind they are reaching out for help and are left feeling the weight of loss and guilt for not being able to fix things on top of the emotional trauma of abuse your heart needs to weigh through. This is not something we can really talk about- too many people have an unsympathetic ear and ill advice. A child will always turn life events into a situation they somehow created and being unable to find answers from a parent is isolating. No healthy person will tell them to continue going back into the lions den. Staying away is not because they don’t love their bi-polar parent, it’s because we love them too much to watch helplessly go through their cycles, exhausted by the aftermath ‘clean up’ to set things right with misunderstood outsiders, worn down by the guilt of concerned life passerby s who make us feel as though we contributed to the chaos and emotionally raped by the persecution suffered during the process. As a child of a parent with this disease, our heart and bond runs so deep, the devastation felt in those moments is cataclysmic- we don’t have the disease- we don’t have the ability to forget those wounds. If you have bi-polar disorder, find it in your heart to love your child enough to let them find peace and hold on to it- it’s a language we never learned from you and with a full heart of love, he/she understands it is NOT your fault and know you did your absolute best raising them. We hold on to every happy memory, savoring those moments and passing THOSE on to our children. We see our parent through love lenses and pray/hope you find stability and peace too.
I have bipolar disorder and just read many of these posts I just wanted to thank all of you for validating my long LONG list of reason for never having children. Im going to get “fixed” at some point but if I end up pregnant I’m giving the baby to a good (read: sane) family. Every Mom on here complains of their kids cutting them off but I would cut me off too if I to deal with someone who halluciates about being on a mission from God or lacks basic social skills/empathy (Im being honest about myself here!). I had to be a friend/adult to my mom instead of a kid and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone let alone my hypothetical (never going to happen) children. No one wants to deal with me or be anything but an acquaintance because I can be mean even when I don’t want to be its kind of like a wounded animal growling at you. Ive accepted being alone and its better for everyone that I keep them at arms length so they don’t get involved with my drama. I’d much rather be alone than hurt people. I think it would be selfish of me to be in a relationship with someone let alone have kids who will be predisposed to having a serious mental illness which will distroy them, their loved ones, and their lives eventually leading them to sucide or an early grave.
I am so greatful to have come across this site while in search of answers. I don’t feel so alone anymore. I’m an only child of 38 years. My mother has not to my knowledge been diagnosed with BD but omg does the definition describe her to a T. She’s been in and out of therapy for years, it seems as though when they tell her something she doesn’t agree with she finds a new one… At one point in my early 20’s she asked that I go see one saying I was the one with a problem. So I went, and you know what that therapist told me?? Draw boundaries with her, take away my house key from her, and give myself space from her and her episodes. So when I explained what the therapist had suggested, my mother laughed and said I need a new therapist. Everything that everyone is sharing on here clicks so close to home. It’s crazy, I have felt enormous amounts of guilt, through the years, being the only child, and having her only 2 grandchildren, her episodes have affected my teenage daughter tremendously, and she has been so nasty during her mania horrible words, a child should never hear their grandma yelling out, my 5 year old is now feeling the guilt, I allow short visits every other month or so, and when he comes home he tells me that we need to be nicer to grandma, etc things that I know she has put in his head. It’s sickening, scary, once kidnapped my daughter from her elmentary school, and called me saying she was not bringing her bk. I had to call the police, I’ve had restraining orders on her. It is so heavy, to carry the burden alone, no siblings to “share” her with. Her episodes are weekly. One minute sweet as pie, the next SURPRISE! DR JECKEL MR HYDE. Blames me, or us, or her rough childhood full of abuse and alcoholism. Never an apology for the outright lunacy, of the day before. Just hi how’s things etc.. It’s draining, exhausting, disheartening to say the least… Thank you for this outlet, thank you all for your stories , I now don’t feel so alone..
My experience. My mother has bipolar disorder. I first knew this when I was 11 years old. My step dad told me once when we were away on holiday and she went missing for 2 nights.
It went down hill from there. Since that holiday, I was abused, physically, emotionally, and mentally manipulated. It’s hard to live with someone with that disorder. It really is. For the whole time I was growing up, from 11 to about 19 (I’m only 21 now), I always wanted to be the one who was there for her. She had no partner, and 3 kids. I always tried to be there for her.
She changed in my eyes when I was 14. We never had much money, and so always struggled, and it understood that and sympathised. I was always careful about eating too much etc. never bothered me, and I never resented it. I still don’t. But this one day, we got home and the electric meter had gone off. The money had run out. She had a panic attack, as per every other day, and asked me to go to the shop and top it up £3. I did that, but when I got to the shop, the person at the counter did the top up, but when I presented my mums bank card to pay for it, she said that she can’t take card payments for electric meters. So I had a choice. Use the in store cashpoint which charged £1.90 for cash withdrawals, or go home and ask what she thought I should do. I was terrified of doing either, because knowing her, either one could tip her over the edge. She used to attempt suicide on a regular basis, so I was shitting myself. I didn’t want to use the cash machine, because it would have left her with 60 pence to her name. I didn’t want to go home without the electric key (the cashier said I could only have it back after I had paid for it). For some reason, I deemed it a safer option to go and ask her, and hope that she saw that I was trying to do the right thing instead of just assuming something was right without asking. I went home.
I was wrong. She had the worst outburst I had ever seen. I was knocked around for about 5 minutes, and she hit me with a saucepan. I woke up on the sofa a bit later on, and I heard her laughing with all her friends in the kitchen… Smoking, drinking… I went in feeling numb as ever, and one of her friends was shocked at my swollen head and black eye. She asked about it, my mum said it was still there from when I fell off a slide at a local park. That didn’t happen.
I used this example to show just how quickly bipolar sufferers can go from low to high. I soon thought of ‘low to high’ as ‘nasty to fucking horrible’.
This sort of thing happened for the next few years on and off. Then as I got older and realised that other peoples mothers were nice, I started to form a resilience, and spent a lot of time at my grandparents house, who had no idea that she was horrible. She could switch it on like a light bulb. On was an act. Off was normal.
I’m still stuck in the middle of this crap with her. She has moved to her new boyfriends house with my younger brothers, who are 5&7. The rent for our house is £1150. Housing benefit pay £900. My mum demands that I pay £200 to her. This is to include food for her and my brothers, rent, bills (I pay electric and gas) and pay for my food too. She is the only person who thinks she is in the right. I am only working 3 days a week, as a teaching assistant and I earn £420 per month after tax.
Her bipolar stops her from being able to rationalise anything and everything, and means that she is the only thing she really cares about. So I hope this helps, build a picture of what bipolar can do to a family relationship… !
I’m a 13 year old girl and my mom is bipolar. It’s very hard to deal with her most of the time because she always turns things around to where everything is always my fault. She doesn’t have a job and she doesn’t have any bipolar pills. I’m afraid to confront her and tell her what she has been doing because I don’t know how she’ll react. Right now she thinks she’s fat and she will only eat a little amount of food a day because she wants to loose weight. I tried to tell her to just eat healthy and exercise but she said she’s just going to take diet pills. And to be honest she’s only 130 lbs. I am afraid of the future and I don’t want to go home because all she does is yell at me when I haven’t even done anything. She tells our family members lies about me saying that I called her fat,ugly,and that I said I hated her when I haven’t said any of it. I have to walk on my tiptoes around her and I’m sick of it.
I’m a bi polar single mother of 2 school aged boys. I am 34 and was diagnosed 2.5 years ago. I am a professional person who has always done well in school and professionally, but my relationships (and now my parenting) have always been the biggest challenge for me. I try very hard to do my best at everything I do. In fact, when I was diagnosed I was told that I am a high functioning bi polar person who had learned to cope with the illness by being an overachiever and working really really hard at EVERYTHING! But that just isn’t working when it comes to being a parent. I found this blog because I was trying to figure out what it was like to be my child. After being diagnosed, I can look back over my life and I see where the mania and the depression caused me significant pain but it also brought me and those around me a lot of pleasure too. Many of my friends who know about my illness call me a “happy manic” because I typically just do the fun, silly, crazy (but sometimes reckless) stuff when I’m having a manic episode, which most people actually enjoy. However, my oldest son is currently having some emotional issues and I have spent hours reading this blog trying to get an understanding of why he is behaving the way he is. I’m having a hard time dealing with him because he acts grown, talks back, challenges my authority and just a “contrary” little boy. I love him and I want to like him, but often times I just don’t like the way he behaves and I don’t really like the way he and I relate. But I want to fix it. I must say that I have very mixed feelings when I read this blog (**I am currently in a manic phase so bear with my if my thoughts are not completely coherent or linear***) I have cried a lot while reading this because of guilt and shame. I pray that my illness has not made my boys feel the way about me that many of you all feel about your mothers. I take my meds, go to counseling, and spend hours and hours trying to educate myself about my disease and figure out how to thrive with it. However, none of this helps me with my parenting skills. Every parenting book I read and every person that I speak with (that doesn’t know about my illness) tells me to be consistent be consistent be consistent. Well guess what?!? I CAN’T!!! I try my very best by coming up with plans for discipline with my boys but I can’t stick to it (because of my illness) and now I feel that my oldest son takes advantage of my emotional state. He does not know about my diagnosis, but he’s very smart and I think he has learned that mommy is an emotional hot mess and he understand that I often feel very guilty about things and he takes advantage of it. I don’t really know what I expect to get from this blog, or what kind of responses but I just thought it would be worth it to put my perspective out there. I love my kids very much and I would do anything for them, including doing my very best to manage my illness. But I just want all the kids of bi polar moms to know that even with the best intentions…its still really really hard to pretend like you’re not crazy.
It’s unfortunate that you are the only parent in the picture, as situations like this are where teamwork really counts.
Consistency is important, keep trying. Failing once in a while is OK too, as long as you keep trying. Your older son may be ready to know what your diagnosis is. He’s already figured out that there are times when you are different, and knowing why won’t cause any additional problems.
After you explain to him that it is a medical condition that you are treating as best you can (You didn’t mention, but you are in treatment, right), you can enlist his help. It should probably not be anything more than making sure that he knows not to take advantage of you when you aren’t yourself. Don’t put any responsibility for YOU on him, but HE should be able to control HIMSELF during those times.
Talk it over with your counselor. You may even take him to a session so your shrink can answer the questions that he won’t want to ask you.
That you know and accept your diagnosis, and are actively doing something about it puts you far ahead of my Mother. She never acknowledged that she had a problem, blamed it on anything and anyone else, and discontinued treatment as soon as she could.
As Becks said (below), there are no perfect parents. Honesty (discussing your condition with them) Perseverance (keeping up with your treatment) and Responsibility (Owning your actions when ‘up’ or ‘down’) will go a very long way to teach the right lessons.
FWJ – I think you have a huge advantage in that you realize you are coping with an illness and have sought treatment. Don’t be too hard on yourself for not being a “perfect parent,” because that doesn’t exist. In fact, that self-doubt you are experiencing is a completely normal feeling of most parents. We want to do the best for our children and wish we could do better.
That being said, you do have to question whether your illness has created any communication blocks with your children because of something you may have said or done. Explaining to your children about your illness will help them understand why you behave the way you do. Being open and honest, recognizing when you may have behaved badly, and apologizing will not only reconcile the situation, it will teach your children how to respond when they mess up, as we all do from time to time, sick or not.
I wish you the best of luck. You seem to be on the right track. Reach out for help if things get too difficult.
Hi, I think you are doing your best, and that is enough! Sooo much pressure on a parent do to everything right. You are aware. You strive to do your best. I don’t have consistancy either but we get in ok, I love my son and he does know this. I have a hard time with many things but it’s got easier since u took the pressure off my self to be the perfect single parent! Yes we get into silly battles sometimes but blimey, I am human and kids sure are testing these days! Give yourself a pat on the back for being aware in the first place a striving to be a good mum:) by the sounds of it your doing ok! Kids will always test you ! Is there such thing as a perfect child?! My parents went through hell with their parents and in turn so did I, I have probably given my son some issues to deal as mine did. I turned out ok ish!!! We really do give ourselves a hard time striving to be good parents. There are some out there who couldn’t give a #### about there kids, don’t see them on here. As I said your doing the best you can with the tools you have. All the best x
I’m a 34 year old male with a 12 week old son and a wonderful wife who luckily loves me enough to put up with the pain, misery and distress my mother has caused us and so many others around her. I’ve found this forum really helpful, particularly to make sense of the family pressure I’m getting to make efforts to “resolve” the situation which has led to me distancing myself from my bipolar mother. Because of the world view my mum believes in and therefore convincingly disseminates, only a handful of people who know me understand that my cutting off from my parents is the result of my mother’s behaviour, rather than the reason for it. She can’t see beyond herself and us able to construct an alternate reality to protect herself at all costs from acknowledging any reaponsibility for anything she says or does. The older generation were led to believe so strongly in the child’s “duty” to their parents, that this someone trumps the parent’s duty to care about the wellbeing of their child, or indeed, to refrain from trying to destroy their child’s life.
My mother has threatened to destroy my reputation at work and hurt me in so many ways. She tried to prevent my wedding from going ahead by writing an anonymous “poison pen letter” in her typical language to my father in law making up nonsensical lies about me, including that I am sleeping with other women, that I am lazy, that I have been sacked from my job for laziness, etc. (I am a lawyer who works a 70 hour week, would never cheat in a million years and any sane person could discover with a few checks that I have never been sacked or indeed had a job where I haven’t been very successful). Luckily my father in law guessed something odd was up when he got this letter and kept it under wraps until over a year after our wedding, so as to avoid ruining it. He only revealed it to myself and my wife after an episode where I tried to take my mother out for a mother’s day treat and she screamed evil things (including insults about my wife, who she seems so jealous of) into my ear as I was driving, leading me to stop the car and demand she get out. I felt terrible and drove around the block and back to try and find her but she had left and still remembers the event as a random act of cruelty on my part, rather than the straw that broke the camel’s back in terms of her aggressive behaviour.
Over a year since then, I have lost sleep and weight because of the stress and guilt, paid enomous amounts for a paychiatrist who says my cuttting off contact is entirely necessary and I should not blame myself, and still I can’t shake the pain of it and it ruins what should be a happy time in my life with a young baby and beautiful, positive wife. My father has parkinson’s disease and my mother emotionally controls him to the point where he has changed his views 180 degrees and depends on her so much that he is now conficted and for many years entirely abdicated any responsbility to play a fatherly role in my life. My mother terrorises and controls him, but much as a beaten wife always goes back to their abuser “because I love him”, my father never found the strength to get my mum the kind of informed help she needs, or to leave her, as he considered doing but never did. I want to help him but I now find myself feeling anger that he didn’t do more to protect me and that all he wants now is for me to correct the “catastrophe” he sees in me not being in contact with my mum. My mum, who abuses every line of communication she is given, who texted me 3, 4, 5 or more times a day through my twenties and fed off the love she felt as a result of supposedly helping me with my problems, when in fact she was causing those problems.
I don’t see a resolution, unless my mum somehow wakes up from her “me me me” world and realises what she has done, sees a psychiatrist who is informed of the crazy things she has done over the last few years, and works very hard to understand how to love without possessiveness, obsession and drama.
Thanks to all on this forum for helping me feel less alone and less guilty (even the bipolar parents who come here seeking to understand why their children have cut off from them, looking for every answer except the one in the mirror…)
Hi David – I can so relate to what you are saying. I know the pain of having a brand new baby and not able to share that joy with the maternal grandparents the way other people can. Unfortunately it only gets harder as your child gets older, because you’ll have to decide how much contact you think is okay for your child. Once your child reaches school age, they begin to wonder why there is almost no relationship with your parents, and you begin to worry about what they are understanding from the situation. (The positive part is that you get to experience being a parent and having a healthy relationship with your child, as opposed to the one you had with your mother).
I also understand the frustration with your Dad, or the “enabler”.I just wish mine could stop being in denial and tell her she needs to get help. Although from reading this blog, I know that even if my Dad was pointing out the illness to my Mom, that likely wouldn’t make a difference unless she wanted to make changes in her behaviour.
And I also know what it’s like to have her spreading lies to other people. My in-laws don’t even tell me what she writes anymore because they know it’s too hurtful. They just shake their heads and say that nothing she says makes sense. I’m so thankful for their support.
I don’t have any advice for you, other than to be thankful for the family you are creating. To see your child grow into a self-confident, healthy person is a real joy, and really makes you realize the positive energy you can put into the world. Just know that we all understand what you are saying, and hug your wife and child when things get tough.
I have been abused by my bipolar mother in one way or another all of my life. She lives in denial of her actions and self medicates using alcohol. It is amazing to see that I am not the only one dealing with this. Often I feel as though no one else experiences this specific sort of trauma. The abuse has affected my mental health, my relationships, and my self-esteem. No matter what your abusers relationship to you or the reason it, you need to get them out of your life. It is crucial. You deserve to live a loving, drama free, healthy life.
My mom, jan, killed herself this past mother’s day. She was very ill. I noticed her depression and issues when I was in 5th grade. I think she had considered killing herself all her life. She acted like our actions ruled her life. It wasn’t fair. My son was 6 weeks old and I was dealing with post partum depression at the time of her death. I had already limited her access to my family….only supervised visits. Sad. I think we both dreamt of more. No more tomorrows, holidays or somedays left. She was 57.
I’m so sorry to read this. I’m sure you must feel very conflicted right now. I’ve often wondered how I’ll feel when my bi-polar mother eventually dies – all the wasted time, all the pointless interactions, the life that never was but could have been… This illness is cruel for all involved. I hope you can find some peace.
My mother has always been depressed but now it’s getting way too much for me to handle. She’s always taking everything out on me, all her issues somehow fall on my shoulders. She will be cute and sweet and one second will go by and she’ll be on top of me just wailing on me and screaming. After she beats me, she’ll blame it on me and say that it was my fault for not being a better daughter. I do everything for her. I cook, I clean, I care for her, I buy her anything she asks for, I have somehow become her mother and she, my child. I’m 17 years old and my life has been consumed with her and her undiagnosed bipolar disorder. She doesn’t think that she has a problem and I’ve been trying to help her through it all but I have been emotionally and mentally neglected. I need a break from all the crazy and I need her to get some help as soon as help will come.
I am a teenager and my mother is bipolor. It is scary sometimes that at some moment she threatened to kill me. She gets angry very easy and when she is mad she completely loose her mind. Sometimes it can be embarassing because her yelling makes bother others and the neighbor called the cops on us many many time. I feel like no one understand because I am only a teenager there’s no much I can do beside wait until I turn 18 and get out as soon as I can because I guarantee if I love with her long enough there will be a day she will kill me. Why should I do ?
Hi, my question is. I got married 2 years ago. Before my husband and I got married, he told me he has had bipolar for 15years. He has been on steady medication for about 13 of those years, and has had a pretty normal life. He’s been working for the same company for 13 years.,and has been promoted at least 4 times..I not knowing anything about this bipolar thing I looked into it.. well after reading about how yes you can live a pretty normal life , I decided yes to marry him.. then after living with him for about 6 month learn how he really was like… my husband is 45 years old and he has the mentality of a 15 year old..its not good I struggle a lot most of the time, friends and family members notice something is different about him but
can’t really point it out… but my 3 sons that live with us can’t be fooled. My sons Are ages 14,18,20 and they have been complaining a lot about my husband’s behavior. My question is do my children have the right to know about my husband’s condition. My husband does not want anyone other than his family and myself to know. But my boys know something is definitely going on.
Yes, your children do have the right to know you they do have the right know, if you think you can keep it from you you’re crazy kids know more than you think….
I am so happy I have found this blog. I am 17 years old and my mother has depression and bipolar disorder. It was never really that bad until the past couple years. She started becoming completely irrational. She has attempted suicide 3 times in the past year and has been cutting herself frequently for the past few months. Just today she had another meltdown because I wanted to wait until tomorrow to watch a documentary on bipolar disorder because I was tired and wanted to go to sleep. And I mean MELTDOWN. We had a huge argument. Her disorders definitely take a huge tole on me. I don’t get the nurturing from my mom that other kids do. I bottle my feelings up. I feel like I have too much responsibility (I clean the house, cook, etc.) and I walk on egg shells every time I’m around her in fear of upsetting her. But today I read many articles about this issue and I actually cried tears of joy to know that many other people go through this crazy stuff that I thought I only went through. And that it’s normal to feel the feelings I do and that it really is physically impossible for me to fix her or make her feel better. Sometimes I feel as if I can’t take it any more but I think I have better insight on how to deal with these issues now.
My mom is a lot of things. She’s bipolar and has depression and consists of multiple personalities. My life has never been easy while living with her, but it has gotten a lot more difficult over the last 3 years. Our family suffers from a lot of financial problems. So if there’s money in my moms wallet, she’s okay. She seems happy and content when she has money to buy random stuff with. But when she buys stuff that we really don’t need, then my dad gets mad and they fight about it. When she gets upset, the mood changes, the depression hits, and the personality is different. She becomes suicidal an sits and sulks saying “life sucks, I wanna die”. She considers me to be her best friend and sometimes when I go out with my actual best friend who’s the same age as me, my mom will get upset and try to guilt me into staying with her. But I go anyway and then I get the angry/ silent treatment the rest of the day. All of this occurs almost every day. My life is an uphill battle because of this and I don’t know how to help my mother. I suffer with depression and I’ve let it get the best of me a few times. But I don’t want to be weak because of her. I want us to grow strong and get better together. I just don’t know what to do.
Well I am an adult of a mother who had a nervous breakdown when I was 12 she was hospitalised, I hated her for the way she was. She got better well they drugged her into been a calm person with no feelings but she was fine for 17 years until she had a high and low which they then diagnosed bipolar. Since having my own son a year ago and suffering myself with pnd I really do realise it wasn’t my mothers fault, I love this women she did as much as she could for me, even though I have had OCD since I was 8 years old probably through all the stress. It was my grandmother that is the family problem, she’s never had bipolar but she certainly has something wrong shouting at everyone and everything, telling people there not good enough esp the weak one like my poor mother who’s been dragged down, grandmother is also a complete control freak, I do actually feel this women is the cause of my mothers illness and my OCD and I will forgive but ill never forget.
I am so happy to find this blog. My 45 year old mother suffers with bipolar disorder and not only that, she mentally believes she is 14 years old too. I have my suspicions that she is a narcissist as well. I can’t tell you how many times she’s rummaged through my clothes to wear and keep them, even my damn underwear. Everything is a competition with her, and if she’s ever proven wrong, we’re all just JEALOUS. She fails to take any responsibility for the pain she caused her family. She’s forced us to move to a completely different state in which my siblings and I had to start afresh in a new state, new school, with no one. She always demands respect from others but completely FAILS to give it to anyone, let alone her children. I’ve had my clothes ripped up, my food thrown away, and personal belongings ransacked because I “gave her a dirty look”. When she’s in her mania it’s just as unbearable, she’s a regular Norma Desmond. I’ve drove out of town to visit her in the hospital when she attempted suicide (which she later admitted that she wouldn’t have swallowed all those pills if she didn’t text 5 family members about it first), visited her every damn day when she was in rehab, and I thought: this is it! She sees clarity, finally. The thick clouded veil will be lifted and she will see her children as people, not extensions of herself. WRONG. 2 months later she was back to binge drinking, waking up the entire household at 4 in the morning slamming cabinets, breaking dishes, and just generally causing a huge ruckus in our tiny 2 bedroom apartment where my little sister has to sleep on the couch. I’ve recently found a job thank the lord and I’m on my way to paving my own life, with a career of my own, but damn if my mother didn’t make it difficult every step of the way. She didn’t even acknowledge when I graduated college, didn’t even say “good job” or “wow”. In fact, she even acted in denial because “she didn’t think I had it in me”.
Her “friend” group consists of 16-20 year olds whom she treats as children, going so far as to buy them new-born baby baskets with cakes, taking them out to the bar, taking them out to the movies, etc. But for her own children? The fridge is completely empty, no food, nothing. In the past, on my minimum wage salary, I’d have to buy all the groceries so my brother and sister could at least eat. That’s not good enough though, because she thinks I’m trying to start something by trying to feed my siblings.
I strongly believe that me and my siblings suffer some sort of PTSD from the years of the constant unwavering tension in our household. There have been times where we’ve all been dragged out of bed by her because she was convinced that my father was going to take us away. I never got help for any of this, never tell anyone except for my boyfriend and even then I feel like I’m placing a huge burden on him by telling him all of this. I’ve tried so hard to be there for her, to hear her out, give her the benefit of the doubt. I’ve felt so much sympathy for her when she was in her down phase, but all it did was earn me a nice big KICK IN THE ASS. Suddenly I wasn’t good enough, didn’t do enough. Sometimes when she talks to me I see that thick clouded veil and I know she’s not listening, that she’s just enjoying whatever fantasy is playing on repeat in her head.
To all you people suffering from bipolar that have commented on here, I feel sorry for your children. I don’t mean to harbor any ill feelings, but all of your comments sound like they are coming straight from my mother’s mouth. “Oh, woe is me, I carry the world on my shoulders even though I created the burden to begin with, but nevertheless, I will constantly shift the blame to my family because, guess what, family will never leave you and they are obligated to love you”
* edited for profanity
Iv read these posts both from the children who have been unfortunate enough to experience a parent with bipolar and responses from those who suffer with this illness. I was diagnosed last year and soend every day and night beating myself up because my beautiful son whos 8 has me as a mother. Im terrified, and can honestly say that if he wrote these posts about me I would never forgive myself. Im convinced im this way because of the abuse I experienced as a child. The one thing I can say is it made me the loving mother to him id never had, I worry to much, ask him if he ok all the time and never feel good enough due to my rejection. I try to shield him from my mood swings and depression. I try to put a front on and be there when im dead inside. Hes not stupid. Hes amazing. Clever. Loving and the reason I feel I was put on this earth. Still no matter how much I try im alone in my head and peoples lack of understanding through no fault of there have enough of you. I dont blame them but it hurts. Especially when you have no family. I pray to god my son doesnt hate me and I let him down. Il battle everyday for him evdn though I want the pain to end. I just hope me being here is beta than not and messing him up. Thats something I cant ever live with. Im sorry to all of you that have suffered. Good that we can talk about it. Its given me more incentive to keep on fighting
Your kids will always love you but this disease is horrible. One thing you should try to do as your son grows up and becomes an adult is talk to him about your situation. Try to get him to learn about the disease and then TRUST him when he tells you along the way that you are off balance. Learn the feelings that you feel as you start to spin and seek help immediately. Perhaps you will be able to off set an episode by getting help early on. When we, the kids, have to deal with a parent who is completely off balance, it is awful and draining mentally on us. We try to stay strong for the one who needs us, but it takes a toll on other aspects of our lives and eventually we shut down. I love my mother with all my heart but I have a very difficult time dealing with her when she is like this. She doesn’t trust me and that makes it next to impossible to help her. I keep my distance until I know I can do something to help. I know that sounds nasty but it causes too much stress if I don’t and for no good because the laws here don’t help us to get her help until it is very far gone. My fear is that one day we will just find her on the floor and that will be it. Such a sad way for someone to go when we desperately want to help her. Please trust your loved ones that they are trying to help you and plan out how you want things to go. You are young still, understand that as you get older, you need to keep close tabs on your health, tests, bloodwork, check your major organs, watch for long term side effects of drugs and move to a new drug as needed. Beware, there are side effects but please understand that sometimes the good of the drug outweighs the negative and you may just need to live with some side effects. Close monitoring is key. Drug management is of utmost importance but verbal therapy is also very important. Keep a standing relationship with you psychiatrist. Good luck. We kids also need to remember that the patient is also suffering. This is a horrible disease and I don’t wish it on anyone.
I am 17 yrs old my mom is bipolar and tried to commit suicide 3 weeks ago. I had to call the police to her house yesterday because I was scared she was going to attempt it again after a breakdown she had. My mom is pyscho and has caused me so much stress and drama. She is always so over dramatic and causes a scene whenever anything goes wrong. I’m young and truly need my mom but it has come to a point where I have to cut her out of my life. Love u mommy
Bipolar IS a terrible ILNESS
Hi- I just found this website. I’m looking for support in dealing with my mother who I believe to be bi-polar but has never been diagnosed as such. Although, my heart breaks for others who’ve posted regarding their mothers; it’s good to not be alone. And that’s how I feel now. Alone. I’m 37. Married to a wonderful husband and we have 4 young children. My parents are both in their 70s and live a little over 200 miles away. They are both not in the best of over all health and my husband and I do our very best to help them, even with the 200 mile distance, jobs, kids and crazy schedule.
I’ve known since childhood that my mother was bi-polar. She frequently flew into crazy rages over insignificant or silly things. My brother and Dad took the brunt of this for years. But as I grew older, late teens to present day– I’m always her target for her rages/meltdowns. Two days ago was the most recent. She called me in a fury over nothing really. There is absolutely no talking to her, rage or not. No one appreciates her, no loves her, everyone takes advantage of her, everyone does everything for my dad but not her. She brought up a litany of perceived wrongs from various people and spew venom and curses that would make a sailor blush. Now I don’t like to hang up on people, but I just hung up on her fearing I would say something I’d regret. Hanging up only magnifies her craziness tenfold then I receive texts that she’ll call the police or she’ll do this or that. **sigh** it’s all so unnecessary if she would go to the doctor and get medication for treatment. I love my mother. But I can no longer be targets/outlets for her rages. Since this last outburst 2 days ago, I feel like I’ve been mentally, physically and emotionally recuperating from a long long war. I hate feeling dread regarding my mom. I dread seeing her name pop up on my phone because I know she’s in one of her manic moods or something is wrong which she wants to tell me about and that I will end up personally responsible for. She never visits. And if my family and I didn’t visit them, we’d never see my parents. I’m just tired and sad, because it doesn’t have to be this way and it is…. I want to take care of my parents in their old age. But I can’t because of my mom…. Sorry for rambling. Thanks for listening. God Bless.
I am 21 years old and have a mom with bipolar disorder. The past few years my mothers illness has worsened, so I have started to research, go to a therapist, and seek others stories. Reading these posts I realize things could have worse, but living with a bipolar mother has still been difficult. My mom is accepting of her illness and was diagnosed after my sister and I were born and she tried to commit suicide. Throughout my childhood I knew my mom had “bipolar” but she seemed normal to me, or at least that’s what I thought normal was. Since I can remember she has been on lithium and that is the only medication which has worked. Growing up my parents fought a lot, my mom had mood swings, and she spent a lot of time in bed, but I had thought it was normal. I’m not sure if I blocked so much out of my mind or if I thought it was completely normal, but I never thought having a bipolar mom was any different or a big deal. A few years ago when I left for college my mom started to worsen. She used to cook, and always want to take care of me, but she seemed to become more selfish, and wrapped up in herself. Growing up I remember being such a mamas girl and so close to her, but my freshman year of college when I came home it was like I was living with a stranger. She was manic and obsessive over working out and being fit, and made it seem like she was in contest with me and my sister, my father and her would fight all the time, she went through lots of jobs, had several episodes, and has been very depressed. After learning more about bipolar I realized how serious the illness was.
It makes me really upset because I feel like I have now lost my mother. She seems like a different person and when we talk she doesn’t seem like she is really there. It is so hard telling what she can control and what she can’t. And I feel an immense amount of guilt for leaving my home to go to school. Currently I am home for the summer, and it’s been the most difficult summer of my life. I feel like everyday I am battling to make things work with my mom. All I want is to have a good relationship, but it is extremely hard because she is so focused on herself, and i can’t blame her for that. But honestly I get very angry sometimes, angry that I don’t have a mom like all my other friends, that my home is somewhere I hate to be, that my dad is so focused on my mom that he is suffering deeply, and angry at myself for not being more caring to her.
It is really emotional reading these posts… It makes me fear the worst, and that my mother will only get sicker and sicker. Sometimes I am so angry with her because she is so selfish, childish, and distant… But then I need to remind myself that she is sick and she can’t control these things. I know everyday she is fighting just to get through it and it kills me to know how emotionally distraught she is.
I want to be there for her and my father, but I feel as though it is ruining me and making me bitter, angry, and confused. Being in the presence of my family and home make me tense, and I feel like I am always walking on eggshells.
The worst thing about it all is that my mom is so different now that I feel no emotional connection to her… I don’t feel anything, I feel numb to it all. I just try to forget…
My mom seems like she is deteriorating right in front of my eyes. When I look at her I see so much pain, guilt, anxiety, and helplessness. I wish there was a way to stop her suffering, and everyone that is involved. It was been something that has affected everyone she knows, and has affected my life significantly. It has been hard to feel like I’m losing my mother and that she isn’t really there when I’m with her. It almost feels like I’m mourning the death of my mom when she is still alive. I feel extremely guilty…
I have a bipolar mother in law she is going through her second divorce and had been living with us. When my wife first asked if she could stay with us I wanted to tell her no way in hell. But Because I Love my wife I told her she could but their would be conditions. 1st it’s temporary. 2. She needs to take her meds. 3. She needs to understand and respect our space. Her mother broke all the rules until we finally got her housing and a place to live. Then she told everyone we kicked her out in to some ghetto apartment. Now as my 1st child is here she wants to baby sit. I don’t trust her. I don’t think she world hurt him intentionally but rather unintentionally. She gets so pre occupied with her phone her T.V. She has even left her dog on the patio in the heat without water. I can’t trust her she takes pain pills for her back and she falls asleep and is dead to the world. I refuse to let her watch him. I can’t take that chance of knowing he is in a environment that can be harmful. Not only that but she is always sayings negative things and lies about me and my wife to family. I do not want her to do the same with my son. I can see her trying to paint his parents as mean people and. I just won’t put up with it. I know that one day my wife will have enough and cut her off as she tried in the past but I played peace maker. This time when she does I will not play peace maker and I will be happy when she cuts her off.
My mother has been bipolar for as long as I can remember. She wasn’t there when I was a child because she became addicted to drugs as a way to self medicate her problems. She cheated on my father and all I remember is them fighting and her crazy antics to try and manipulate my dad.
Recently many moons later she had gotten the right kind of help and she’s trying to rekindle a relationship with me. I’ve never completely closed her out of my life (she did good enough job of that on her own) but I e kept her a good distance away.
I know she will always struggle with this issue and as I begunt to start a family I concern myself with what may be passed down to my children. Am I wring to worry about this? I sometimes hate that half my genes have hers in them but there’s nothing I can do about it. Mental disorders are so complicated and frustrating.
I am shocked at some of the things I have read. Bi-polar IS a disease, just like cancer is a disease. The difference between them is one is disease is of the body and the other is a disease of the mind. The other difference is the symptoms that associate with the disease. Empathy can be powerful. Often mental illness has less tolerance from the general public than physical illness. This is tragic because just like a person who can’t help how the body is ravaged by a physical disease, the bipolar person cannot help how their disease controls their mind. The bipolar person’s brain chemistry has been altered. Therefore the bipolar persons brain does not work the same as a healthy brain. Medication can help but does not cure these inflictions. Please remember it is the disease that often controls how a bipolar person acts and feels. This means that often times if they could choose not to hurt their loved ones they would. Many times it is the disease talking and taking over. Love is even more powerful than empathy. Faith, hope, and love but the greatest of these is love…
Yes, bipolar is a disease, and like physical diseases there are treatments with varying degrees of success.
Also, like physical diseases, bipolar can be contagious. The effects can spread from one person to another (or many others). Not that someone dealing with a bipolar person will ‘contract’ bipolar, but more likely various forms of stress-related issues similar to PTSD.
And also like physical diseases, many choose not to be around someone who isn’t undergoing treatment, especially if that treatment is available and they CHOOSE not to avail themselves of it.
Go back and read through my earlier posts and you’ll see I made a concerted effort to get Mom treatment. When she finally was treated (involuntarily) she stopped as soon as she was able. She NEVER apologized for anything without including extenuating circumstances to show that she really wasn’t wrong.
Mom could choose not to hurt her family by getting treatment, but she chose not to. I choose not to be around until she does. The same way that you wouldn’t choose to be around someone with typhoid without taking precautions, and probably wouldn’t choose to be around them at all if they decided the only treatment they needed was sunlight and a pro-biotic diet.
It’s weird that you can discuss the need for empathy without demonstrating any empathy for the impact a bipolar person’s behavior can have on another. People should not allow themselves to be abused in any way, and should leave any type of relationship where abuse is unmitigated, including that which comes from someone who is mentally ill. There ARE various degrees of choice involved when it comes to bipolar. Those who choose to get help, and who recognize bad behavior in themselves and can apologize for it, should be supported. Those who don’t, whether because they can’t or they won’t, need to be kept at a distance for the safety and well-being of others.
I completely feel for the initial poster and am going through very similar circumstances , except the only time my mother will get help or stay on meds is when forced, and the only time that happens is when she’s attempted suicide or she’s gotten violent. We try to get her to get help, but she becomes angry, verbally/mentally abusive, and only more manic. My parents have been separated for 15 years but my dad continues to allow her to live there, while she accuses him of murder and all other sorts of delusional shit. Then we inevitably feel like we’re just waiting for the next crash.. I’ve lost count of the number of times she’s attempted suicide. It’s very sad and though I feel for people suffering with the disorder… We ABSOLUTELY have every right to maintain our own sanity for our own kids sake. If I were to develop Bipolar, I would want my family to do the same because I love them and want them to be happy. Don’t compare it to someone w/ cancer.. as they typically do get treatment and want to get help. I love my mother, but if she won’t help herself, I’m not going to enable it and watch my mom almost die over and over again, while she hurls hateful insults at me, when I have a life that I do want to make better. I don’t know what the answer is for people who are able to lurk in the gray areas and can’t be forced into treatment until they do something bad enough…
I am a bipolar mother, widowed and lost my younger son through a catastrophic motorcycle accident years ago. I was diagnosed with a bipolar II disorder after I saw my son dead on the road from the accident. I developed PTSD and that triggered the undiagnosed bipolar II I have carried in my being. I still have a 30 year old daughter, happily married with three beautiful children. I love my daughter but I also inflicted a lot of wounds, hurts and scars from my mouthy cuss words, rages, name it. My daughter never forgave me. When she married, she felt she was freed from the wrath of having a bipolar mother. I am now medicated and no longer scream or shout. My medicines do control my mood swings and depression. I tried to do my best keeping in touch with my daughter. She would have blow ups like the time she snooped into my facebook PMs and found that I wrote to a friend pouring out my feelings because I complained about the way my daughter treated me because I was bipolar. I admit I am not a perfect grandma. I never harmed the kids but my daughter and son in law feared my illness. They subtly took the kids away and said I no longer needed to babysit them. They said I needed my rest and that they would visit me once a week. That never happened. I was called a bitch by my daughter because of the facebook note I wrote. My son in law called me a f…..ng 60 year old grandmother because I fell asleep while watching my oldest grandaughter. I didn’t mean to. My grand daughter was in my bedroom taking a nap with me and when her Dad came home, she was alone in the kitchen doing her coloring. She also closed my bedroom door hoping that she would not disturb my sleep. She was only 5 years old then. My husband was still alive then and not once did he defend me with the verbal and obnoxious abuse I received from my daughter and her husband. Then, I was no longer allowed to babysit the grandkids. I eventually found solace with an old flame who found me on FB. Once again my daughter snooped into my email and found a love note from my old flame. Things got erratic because now my husband was involved in the mother daughter war. I tried to make amends but realized my husband’s ego was hurt and he wanted out of the marriage. My daughter felt victorious when her Dad decided that we could no longer be together. So, I chose to leave and reconnected with the old flame who resides in another country. . My husband died a year later of natural causes. My daughter still does not speak to me. It has been three years. I am still not allowed to see or communicate with my gandkids. Daughter claims that I never said goodbye to the kids. How could I when I was not allowed to see them. I could go on and on. My daughter hates me. I try to write her via email but she never responds. I regret what I did bringing up a daughter the harsh way. Now that I am medicated, seeing a psychiatrist and under control, I want to be forgiven. I also realize that it will never happen. I will never see my grandchildren again. I gave up. I’ve moved on. I have closed the doors behind me. It has been three years now and I am still with my old flame who provides me with so much morale support. I feel loved and protected. We are happy. However, should my daughter ever open that door from the past and take me back, I will hug her and humble myself again and tell her how sorry I am and ask for forgiveness. I dream of the day we would be family again. I pray a lot to the Lord these days. But if time will never take me back to my daughter, son in law and their kids, I will simply accept that as fate. I miss my 20 year old son. He did get some of the harsh words but he was different. He simply would hold me and hug me until my fits would melt away because I felt loved. I miss my husband of 33 years and continue to feel guilty for carrying on an illicit affair. He always loved me but was too proud to take me back. After all, his daughter was the one who told him about my affair. He became so ashamed of me. This is about the longest note I have ever written. Scorn me if you wish. Love me if you can. Forgive me if you want. I am human. I am bipolar. It is not a disease. I did not wish this on me. Please try to understand me. And if not, I will accept your scorn and anger. To all the daughters who suffered the fate my own daughter did, I apologize with all sincerity.
Bipolar Mother
That is really sad. If my mother was ready to apologize, l would consider it cautiously. I would take baby steps and slowly try to be her friend. It is just a sad state of affairs. I also have removed my mother from my life for my son’s sake and of course my husband. I would still go have coffee with her after a few months of phone calls and maybe a few cards. Prayer
Hi,
I am a 40 year old mother and was diagnosed with having bipolar disorder in my early 30’s, but have been dealing with it since my teen years.
My mother has been diagnosed, by a GP, with major depressive disorder, but straight out refuses to see a psychiatrist, for further diagnosis. I have no doubt in my mind that she has bipolar disorder.
My childhood was horrendous with my mother. She was verbally abusive, perhaps even borderline, physically abusive and my mother wasn’t available emotionally either. When she wasn’t screaming obscenities at me, she was sitting on the couch reading and smoking, or sleeping the days away. I don’t believe she is a horrible person, I believe she needs help. I love her dearly.
I do believe she is responsible for her actions today though, with the knowledge that is out there on mental illness and the availability for medication and/or therapy. She takes the anti-depressant prescribed for her by her general practitioner and that’s all she believes is necessary. She continues to be verbally abusive. She’s added the “poor me” game to it. I feel sorry for her. I no longer am controlled by her words. I am able to say I want to be respected in my own home, or that I am leaving her home as I don’t want to be disrespected. I can’t change her. I can only change the way I respond to her. I’m only responsible for my actions. She cannot make me “feel” a certain way. That would be giving her control again. I’m in control and choose the way I feel. There have been times when I need a bit of space from her as I am trying to be mentally healthy for myself and my two teenage boys. I don’t feel guilty. I’m not rude about it, I tell the truth.
So, I have been diagnosed with bipolar and my boys (13 and 15) along with other family members and friends have been negatively and positively impacted by this diagnosis. I was placed on anti-depressants in my early teens and wasn’t on them long as they made my behaviour seem worse (more hyper, not sleeping or eating, skipping school). In my twenties I had many depressive episodes, for months at a time. After the oldest son was born (not on meds during pregnancy, or while nursing – 18 months) things seemed ok. After second son, everything spun out of control. I nursed my second son for two years and a month after that my husband wanted to divorce. We separated in May and by September I was in the hospital in a major depression. I was in for a couple of weeks. Something tragic happened (raped) to me after I got out and I ended up in the hospital again for two months (the boys were 2-4). My husband and I got back together after a year. During that year, I was working again and going to an outpatient group and seeing a psychiatrist, on meds as well. My husband and I stayed together for eight more years. I went back to school and worked in palliative care. During the eight years together I injured my shoulder and had two unsuccessful surgeries to try to repair it. I began using pain meds to help control the pain. I increased the amount and became addicted. I stopped for one year with the help of NA and relapsed (my own fault). I never gave up wanting to quit and now have 21 months clean. It’s a lifetime commitment, not to be taken lightly. Then just over three years ago my husband wanted to separate again. Five months later I ended up in the hospital for two and a half months having 12 ECT’s. The reason he wanted to separate is because of his sexual orientation. He doesn’t want to be with women. I spent 16+ years with him. I wasn’t mad though. I was glad that he could be free to live his life as him. He has a partner whom I know and he has two boys with similar ages to ours. They are still together.
So, I have bipolar. I have been in the hospital. I have had a few manic or hypomanic episodes and many depressive episodes throughout my life and also my kids’ lives. I have always been open with them about what bipolar is. When I was in the hospital my husband (even though we were separated) brought them to see me every day, sometimes twice a day. I listen to my kids. I listen to the small talk, the “nothingness” they say. I wait until they start to talk about what is deeper in their hearts, their fears about the future, their goals, their interests. I make a consertive effort to be aware of the words I speak to them, as I’m well aware of the scars words can leave. When they have done something wrong I will say that they have “bad behaviour” and are not bad themselves. I do not shame them. I want them to believe in themselves. I let them know that I will always love them no matter what and will always be there for them. I let them know that I am proud of them. When I make a mistake (I still make many) I apologize right away. If they say “that’s ok”, I let them know that it’s not ok and that I will strive to do better as I now know better.
Having bipolar I think has made me more empathetic, a better listener, to see the good in others rather than only their faults, to believe there’s hope for all and it has given me the ability to write what I feel down in words, rather than keeping everything stuffed inside my mind.
Today I am in a concurrent therapy group. It’s a two hour group, five days a week, that deals with mental health issues and addiction (mine was pain meds). I also attend NA meetings. I have my boys every other week (their father and I have always set it up this way as I believe both parents need equal time with their kids, he’s a good dad). I see a psychotherapist every two months, also my psychiatrist every two months as well. That’s for me, but also for my boys. Their father and I know they are dealing with a lot besides my mental illness, so we have both of them in counselling and also seeing a psychologist. I know my bipolar affects them and others as well. I know I’m responsible for my actions. I am aware of my body and when things are changing within it. When I feel it’s time to go to the doctor, I go. I take my meds as prescribed. I am my own advocate on what works for me and what doesn’t. I’ve been on over forty different meds, I know something, but definitely not everything. Since the kids have been born, I’ve never attempted or gotten to the point of making a plan for suicide. I promised the boys as babies I wouldn’t. I don’t make promises that I don’t intend to keep (I’ll keep trying my best). I’m taking each day as they come. I hope my mom can get help. I’ll be there as much as I can, until I feel it is putting my mental health at risk (the boys aren’t their without my dad). I’ll always do everything to help my boys and if one day that means they need to stay away from me to be healthy, then I’ll do what is best for them.
I hope other bipolar mothers can be healthy for themselves and their children and I also hope that children of bipolar mothers know when they need to have space, for however long that is (perhaps forever) to keep themselves healthy, as well. Family is about love. Love shouldn’t hurt.
I too, am a child to a bipolar mother. It has always been the walking on egg shells, the consistent lies, up and down mood swings, false health issues when people have had enough of her ways and If it wasn’t for you kids I would kill myself. What exactly is the reasoning to telling your child that? Is it to make yourself have a reason or to make your child feel like a burden? Am I the reason your in so much pain? I have wondered this for many years now, And finally I have found some answers here on this page. I have wanted a mother’s love for years that I kept letting her do the hurtful things to us in hopes of the good out weighing the bad. My childhood was a rocky one, But these outbursts are becoming frequent. It has gotten to the point where she hears people in the attic and under the house or by the window. she points out marks from the intruders but there is nothing there, nothing out of place. My younger brother was living with her in my grandma’s house; she became obsessed with with my brother and his girlfriend that she would say that, she has witnessed his gf cheating with 8 different men. When she went to tell my brother about the suppose incident he called her crazy and told her that he didn’t believe her. After that he was her target. It went from people in the attic, my brother cooking meth under the house to him hiding guys in his room and lying to her about it. She got so enraged that she confronted him about the guy in the room. He told her that no one was in there and that the tv was on, but she had believed that someone was and that she was completely lying to her face. She got so mad that she got physical with him (he is in his 20’s), leaving marks on him, even though he was being truthful with her. He moved out, and she still hears people and feels like someone is going to break in a harm her. I am in fear of her losing control and taking it out on my grandma or even herself. It’s to the point where I don’t know how to handle this anymore. Not only do I have a husband and son but I have myself to look after now. I am lost on how to go about this; whether I should go my own way or to seek help for her. As it is her doctors said that she never had bipolar and that she has PTSD. She is blind to her actions and doesn’t want to believe her mental illness. I am lost looking for some answers.
Everyone on here who is bipolar and complains about their family abandoning them have you considered that maybe they did so for their own sanity after having to deal with someone who is so involved with themselves and sometime down right spiteful that they just tear everyone around them down? Your not a victim and yeah some of it is probably your fault. I get updates on this in my inbox so I can remind myself as a bipolar person everyday why I shouldn’t have kids not because of ‘what they have done to their parents’ (I call BS on any bipolar person who thinks that way). Having a child while being mentally ill is the worst thing you can do to someone. That person has to deal with you and your foul behaviour for the rest of their lives. They will probably end up sick as well because of your gentics and behavior toward them. You need to clean up your own mess and stop playing the victim card because no one else is buying it. If my friends (which has happened) and family stop speaking to me its because I drove them away. You have an illness not an excuse for being an asshole. They dont need to be more patient and understanding, you do because thats the only way your not going to end up alone and “abandoned”.
Hello,
I can’t find my words to congratulate all the bipolar people who have found their way through illness and asked for medical help.
I am 26 years old and my mother is bipolar ever since I can remember, although she was diagnosed only 3 years ago, after 5 months of dark depression.
She refuses to believe that she is ill, therefore she refuses to take any medication also.
I would like to better understand her condition, the way she thinks or feels and i hope you may be able to help me.
I honestly don’t know any more what is good or wrong, as everything i do turns out bad, when it comes to her.
Hello guys, so I’m a sixteen year old girl and my mom has bipolar disorder. Unfortunately my parents are divorced so it’s just me and her, I know you might think that I’m just a teenager who has problems with her mom but I’m not. I know for a fact that my mom is bipolar, I’ve researched this topic so much and I’ve recorded her moods and spoken to various professionals about the way she is and they all suspect bipolar disorder. Yes I have confronted her about it before but she just got really angry at me and denied it. I honestly don’t know what else to do about her. I love her so much but when she acts the way she does it really gets to me. I know she doesn’t mean them and she hardly remembers what she says but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. About two years ago I started self harming as a release from the situation, I don’t do it as much anymore but recently she’s started talking suicidally and has been saying that she’s worthless and doesn’t know where she went wrong in raising her kids. I’ve spent so much time reliving her words and wondering if it really was me but deep down I know it’s actually her and I know that she can do so much more if she would just admit that she needs help and let me help her. Any advice is welcome, please help.
Hi Savannah,
I had a similar experience to you. I had a really tough childhood, constantly moving from place to place, watching my mother make terrible decisions and get into debt from going on shopping sprees when she was manic and comforting her/ talking her out of killing herself when she was depressed and suicidal.
I also started self harming when I was 15 because I felt I had no control over anything in my life and cutting was the only thing I had control over. It was my crutch. Then I turned to abusing prescription meds and I’m now addicted to them. I think this is because I never learnt how to deal with my problems properly.
I’m 23 now, I remember when I finished high school, I felt so guilty for leaving her all alone and going to uni. I still feel guilty because she lives 2 hours away and I can’t afford to see her very often.
If I can give you one piece of advice it would be: don’t let guilt stop you from living your life the way you want to. Also when she is manic and it feels like all she wants to do is argue try not to feed into her anger or argue with her. Whenever my mum is manic I just say “yep you’re right” and physically leave the situation, go outside or into my room. If she continues just ignore her, don’t respond. You can never win an argument with a manic person.
The other thing is try to compromise, now that I’ve moved out she always tries to invite herself to come and stay with me. Usually its really inconvenient and angers my boyfriend. Sometimes I give in but usually I try to compromise with her. If she wants to come stay that day I tell her if she waits I will come stay with her for a few days sometime soon. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt.
Remember, she is mentally ill but that doesnt mean she has a free pass to be disruptive in your life, it means sometimes she can’t see reason or think logically and that’s difficult but her happiness is not your responsibility, its hers and hers alone.
You can try discussing her moods with her when she is stable but you can’t make her want to get help unfortunately. My mum is completely in denial too because she doesnt want to be labelled as crazy, she wants to be seen as normal. I had the same experience as you. I researched it and everything when I was your age. Only in the last year did my Aunt admit that my mum was diagnosed with bipolar when she was in her twenties but my aunt doesn’t want to help me or talk to me about it, none of my family does.
I know what your going through and I know how heartbreaking it is but all you can do is try to be there for your mother. I feel so sad that my mum won’t accept her diagnosis or any psychiatric help because her life might be better if she did. But i guess I’ll never know. I just try to support her as much as I can without it negatively affecting my own life. It’s so, so hard though. Its hard to watch someone you love hurt themselves and others when they should get help. I wish I could make the decision for her but after many years I’ve accepted her choice not to get help. I used to think I could save her but I’ve realised only she can save herself. I’m just there to help support her if she ever does accept the help she needs.
The best thing you can do is to talk about it, see if any family members can help support you too if they are around. But you’re doing an amazing job so far, you sound very mature and grown up for a 16 year old!
Sorry for the long comment, remember you’re not alone and I hope this makes you feel a little bit better. Please feel free to comment back or ask me any questions. 🙂
Hi, my name is Cheryl and I am a 40 year old mother, of two amazing sons (13 and 15), that I love dearly. I am also bipolar.
I believe there are mothers with bipolar, that don’t destroy their children’s lives. I hope to be one of them. I’m not perfect and do make mistakes, but never use bipolar as an excuse.
I have been in the hospital three times since my boys have been born. Never because of suicide attempts, or severe mania. I decided to go in to get my meds readjusted quicker than I could at home and once for a trauma and subsequent depression (I knew that things were sliding fast).
Yes, my boys were affected by me being in the hospital, their dad brought them in everyday to see me, but, of course, that’s not the same as me being at home. I let them talk and I listened. I let them be angry at me and I comforted them, without making excuses. We researched about bipolar together, at their level of comprehension, as they grew older as well.
I was raised with an undiagnosed bipolar mother. Both my psychiatrist and my GP have stated many times, over the years, that she has many indicators of being bipolar. They have had many negative encounters with her as well.
I tiptoed through my childhood, trying not to direct any attention from her. I never knew what mood she would be in, if she would be despondent and ignore me, or controlling and demand too much of me as an eight year old child, or not much older, or if she would fly into an rage so fierce, that I believed I must have been the devil himself, from the hatred I saw in her eyes and the words I heard spat out at me, never mind being hit by random objects that were within her reach.
Except for the controlling what I do for her (mostly) and the hitting, she still continues to infiltrate negativity into my being, trying to diminish any happiness or hope of happiness that lives inside of me. I am rising to take a stand and say no more, though. That I am worth more.
My childhood and even my self worth is not what I want for my children. So, every day I’ve put much effort into not being similar. I/we (my ex and I), say “you are having bad behaviour” rather than “you are bad”, I explain why there are negative consequences to negative actions and have never used spanking, or any type of physical punishment. I don’t call them hurtful names, don’t shame them, don’t yell at them (I have on occasion done this and apologized to them both, explaining that it was wrong and an ineffective way to communicate and that I was sorry to yell and upset them. That they didn’t deserve to be treated that way).
I make a concerted effort to tell them how proud I am of them and give them reasons why, not academically only, it can be other things like being kind to one another, or helping a neighbour with shovelling snow, anything that applies to them and isn’t generic. I tell them I love you throughout the day and before bed.
I have talks with the boys as well at night, or if they want to earlier. Sometimes it’s only about light stuff, school projects, sports they are involved in at that time. Other times it’s deeper conversations, about life, death and things inbetween.
Their dad and I also have them seeing a counsellor and psychologist to deal with some life changes, such as the divorce, their father letting us all know that he is gay, both boys and the changes they are experiencing due to puberty, dealing with my bipolar and low mood times, and life in general.
I’m not in denial about being bipolar, nor am I in denial that I am the only one that can control myself when my moods do change. I am very in tune with my body now and know when I am sliding into a depression. I try to look at circumstances and see if there are triggers causing a possible slide, if I am eating, exercising and sleeping ok and if these aren’t the issues, I get into the doctor as soon as I can.
I take my meds as prescribed, but I am also my own advocate when it comes to my meds, as I know what works now, or so far. My psychiatrist agrees and until these meds stop working we aren’t changing anything.
I get adequate sleep and needed a sleep med to fall asleep. I try to eat healthy and get exercise in.
It doesn’t end there though. Coping skills are needed for life and different moods and situations. I had many years of psychotherapy to work through my childhood issues with my mother and also sexual assault that occurred in my life. I’ve completed an anger management course, so I don’t let little things bottle up inside and then explode. I used cognitive behavioural therapy to modify certain behaviours (for OCD) and am now practicing mindfulness meditation, to get to a state of total relaxation, a different level of consciousness.
I will continue to learn how to be “me” and not my illness. I will continue to put my kids first in my thoughts before the words escape my lips. I don’t want them to experience the same life I had, I want better for them and I’m trying to do better for them and also for me.
I’m 26 years old and happily married with 2 little girls. My mom has been diagnosed with bipolar, anxiety, and OCD. Ever since I got married she has always put my husband down behind his back and tried to split us up. Nothing has ever been good enough for her. Now, she plays favorites with my girls and blames me for it. She doesn’t like any of my inlaws, friends, or anybody that my husband and I associate with. I can’t even talk positive about anyone because she rolls her eyes and throws a negative comment. One day I was at her house and we got into another argument. I insisted that she take me home because I couldn’t handle it anymore. Well, she screamed at me and said, “When I die, sell all my things and give the money to (her favorite). I hope I haunt you when I die… I can’t believe you want me to drive when I’m upset!” She proceeds to drive my kids and I home and JERKS THE STEERING WHEEL just to freak me out. Since then, its been almost 2 months since we spoke and I’m stress free. I feel guilty at the same time, but I can’t trust her. She’s said sorry before but has never meant it. I thought about contacting her but I don’t think it’s a good idea. Especially for the well being of my family. I know she’s my momma, but her negativity is unbearable.
I am so glad to find this blog. The experiences of all the kids of bipolar moms are so similar to mine. My mom continuously guilt trips me into doing what she wants. She refuses to drive me some where 15 minutes a way from our house at 8pm yet is willing to drive 45 minutes to a bar with her friends , get completely drunk and then tells me she is going to stay over for the night because she just can’t drive home. She constantly uses the excuse that she does so much for me , but I really don’t think so. She is the reason I’m such a people pleaser and have trust issues. I hate telling her things and she gets so offended when I try and confront her, even in the nicest way possible. My sister and I are counting down the days until I move out so that we can move in together.
reading these stories breaks my heart because i am 28 years old mother with a 6 year old boy. having this stupid illness just sucks. i know it is unbearable to family members and friends and co-workers. how do you think how we feel having the stupid illness. i have been recently diagnose, and I’m in therapy,i have been to the hospital twice,i have and still taking classes to be a better parent and to cope some how with this illness,i get so much support from my out-patient therapy,i have done research,i try to eat healthy,and i have a gym membership and I’m on meds. we are told to do all these things that will make us better but does it ever get better. The only thing I’m good at is trying to keep busy and keep up with my out-patient therapy. My sons father has taken my son away from me again,we are back in court. no matter what i do this stupid illness always some how gets in the way even when I’m doing so well. I love my son so much and i wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I rather have a drug problem or be an alcoholic,because at least when you get sober , you try everything in your power to stay sober especially for your kids sake,well anyway i know i would,because i have already over came those battles. For those people who don’t understand and are not compassionate, it is like having cancer because once you get diagnosed you will do what every thing to fight it, but some times that doesn’t always work,it could go away or come back again. the labeling,i know there just words,but calling us crazy and we are acting crazy,and the ignorance of it all that people have and you know who you are,it just disgusts me because the people who are diagnosed with anything in life it is out of your control and even when we try so hard to fix it or help it or even to get rid of it,how ever you want to put it,it takes a person even like me who is trying to change and trying to better myself since i was told,and I’m still trying,it takes a huge toll on the people who are diagnosed because it runs our life even if we don’t want it to. it ruins relationships,you can’t keep a job,it is really hard to be a good parent,even though the thought of losing your child could actually kill you. Its not a win-win situation at all. for the people who do read this next time you judge and have no compassion at all and hurt some one who has this illness,we didn’t ask for it,but i can’t talk for every one just myself that i have tried and still trying even though i have my moments,i try to think, feel and understand and cope some how just like any so called normal person in the world. this illness is my life and it is taking a toll on my life and my son. i never knew what love was until i had him,my sons love it is un-conditional love but i would never wish this on him or even want to hurt him or others. it sucks when family really doesn’t understand. the situation with my sons father and me it is both our faults. not him or me are better than each other we our his parents he didn’t choose us,but i wish my sons father would understand that he needs both of us. i guess when i came upon this i was crying the whole time typing this and it was kinda therapeutic for me because we are not bad people and we really don’t want to hurt people. no one on this earth is perfect and every one has some thing positive and negative about them selves,it just takes some one who truly loves and understands you to stay by your side through all of this but that to me is just a pipe dream to me because this illness is ugly and i will admit that and i have nothing else to say.
My mother is an alcoholic, a drug addict, a compulsive shopper and spender of other people’s money and has been in and out of mental institutions for the last 26 years. She was diagnosed as delusional paranoid Schizophrenic in the late 80s and mid-90s, then given the more pc title of manic depressive, in the late 90s to early 00s, and then bipolar is now the word of choice these days. From the age of ten after my mom first was committed, I spent all of my time looking after her and making things stable. My father only went to work and came home and I had to handle everything else. I’ve wasted my life managing her and my father’s problems. Currently im 36 I have no friends and no family except for her. She started another manic episode in November of last year after she was given steroids for a lung infection, the steroids or other meds she got in the hospital knocked her off course and she had been wavering back and forth ever since. Then in June and July of this year she slept only around three hours a night. When I told her she needed to sleep and she wasn’t acting right, she immediately went on a rant about how the people at her job say she’s fine and that im sick and the one who needs help. When my mother starts using strangers who don’t know her to define her mental health I know things are now only going to get worst. I remind her that the last time she went into the hospital she worked for six months while she was taking ten pills a day of 750 milligrams Vicodin and no one at her job noticed, but she can’t be reasoned with, I learned that when I was a kid. Then she told me that she was going to a party at one of her friends from work and she left. Then spent the week with him. I talked to this guy on the phone, the only thing that he knew of my mother is that she was an alcoholic and a drug addict and that she went I the hospital for drug addiction. (my mother proudly confesses to being a drug addict and alcoholic and wears it like a badge of honor. She knows that people give her respect for quitting, but she only quit drinking because she started taking inordinate amounts of valium, and the longest that’s she went without taking drugs was 4 years and that was only twice, for the first 15 years it was almost every year. She has never gotten help for drug addiction or alcoholism and she’s in denial about being bipolar) when I told this guy the truth and what was happening he suggested giving her sleeping pills… so now I have this guy who my mother treats as a god while she demonizes and rejects me, and every time I tell her anything she runs to his house i.e. The room he has in his ex-mother in laws house. After the first day she spent with him she was calling him her boyfriend, she then screamed that she was living with him now and ran to his house. (in the past when my mother was like this she always ran away, but she ran away to people who knew her and could see that she wasn’t right, then they would send her home. This is the first time she ran away to a stranger and hasn’t come back) in the past month she spent 6 nights at home and the rest of the time with this guy. (when my father was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer i started planning for the future to accommodate and deal with my mother without my father’s paycheck. The plan while my mother was stable was to buy a house and we would share it, I would make an apartment for my mother in the basement. And with both our incomes we could manage. Now suddenly my mother tells me that her boyfriend has to live with us, and if I don’t let him she is going her own way… ( my mother has never saved a dime, she has never played a single bill, she only gets into ridiculous debt hides it then takes drugs and gets committed then blames the drugs, that way she can keep the delusion that being bipolar had nothing to do with it, therefore she’s not bipolar.) now the only thing I can think about this guy she’s dating and living with is that he’s broke doesn’t have a home of his own and is manipulating a sick woman to get a free place to live. While I was talking to him on the phone he mentioned that his brother is bipolar, which leads me to believe that he know exactly how to handle someone like my mother. I’ve often though why do I bother, why do I put up with my mother’s constant threats and ultimatums, her calling the cops on me when she’s manic (each time the cops come they see she’s not well and tell me to try and keep her off the phone, when I try to explain to the cops if i turn off the phone or take it away that makes her start breaking thing and threatening more, and will only make her stand in the middle of the street to wave down help, they don’t seem to get it.) threatening to sue me, breaking things, threatening to run away, quit her job, cash her check and spend the bill money ( I manage her funds to pay her bills) the only thing I come up with why I stay is that this life is all I’ve known, without her in it I will be completely alone. 26 years of my life dealing with my mom I’ve never started a life of my own its always been about her, and now she’s ditching me without a second thought. She can’t rationalize the situation she’s in and there’s nothing I can do. I should have just ignored her when I was a kid and let her stay drugged up rocking back and forth standing in the corner facing the wall talking to herself. I don’t see a way out, it’s like it’s too late for me. Anyway that’s it I guess, this is a truncated as I can get it, it seems impossible to fully explain things, sorry for and spelling mistakes or grammar issues.
Hi,
i just read your story. i am 29 and i just got diagnosed with bi-polar about 2 years ago and yeah, what they are calling it now, either way its a stupid disease,sorry it is and i have it. i read your story and some of those things i have done, in your story,it makes me sick and sad that i have done that but i realize it, but for you to understand, she may not see it all the time and gets clouded but i did a lot of stuff to my self and let people do stuff as well but i started i think when i was becoming a teenager the disease came in and got worse after i got pregnant. i guess I’m typing you because maybe you do understand or not. so lets get back to what i was trying to say, it started as a teenager for me, and started dating horrible guys at 17, and young and naive ,and they took advantage, and i went from relationship to relationship, and moved here to here, and couldn’t keep a job, and didn’t finish school. i got into drugs and alcohol and got pregnant and got in trouble with law and its been always rocky with my sons father and my family, well I’m sure you know the answer to that,that in it self means difficult. so about a couple years now i was diagnosed and you would think that would help but it doesn’t because i have to keep up with medicine and therapy and classes and life coach and assistance and now I’m on better terms with my family and groups i almost forgot that but there is more stuff i have got involved with i could go on and on but to other people its never enough and i feel like sh*t either way and depressed. i went to the hospital twice so far. for you to understand your mother or what she’s doing,she is self medicating which is bad they tell us, well any way for people like us, and believe I’m not trying to be know it all because if i did, my life would be great and i wouldn’t be on this site. when reading your story i kinda felt a connection and not in a sick way because every thing u said about your mom i have done and its your mom, and to tell you, never give up on her she gave birth to you and that is just something un speakable and i don’t know if you have kids but until you do , you will understand. my situation is horrible because i live with my parents now because previously i was living with my sons father and he eventually drove me mad and i voluntarily to the hospital. its all in the pass and move forward and think positive they tell u. he was mad because i didn’t want to be with him and just live understand the same roof , it mite sound crazy to u but i wasn’t ready to be in a relationship again just got out of a really bad one so moving in i thought it would help get us and all help living as a family and i did but he didn’t comply with any of the help i was getting for us so i just focused on my son and me. so long story short I’m in the hospital for a 2nd time and a week later he files a PFA for full custody. so he is the reason i have went to the hospital twice. so i haven’t seen my son in 4 months but i get to talk to my son on weekends but they have made that difficult in it self. it all ends in a couple days because i have court. i don’t know i got a little off track but one thing i have in common with you is i don’t have friends neither and all i have is my family and all my out patient help are like my friends in some what way, and i also go to alcoholics anonymous . i don’t have a life neither and but life would be great if it wasn’t for my sons father making it very difficult for everyone. well i hope this helps or relates in some way. I’m sorry if i was all over the place with my story to you and hope you understand in some way. i know its not easy for u but its not easy for us because we have to fix it.
*edited for profanity
Now my mother is ditching me. She is not paying her bills and is saying she wants to go our separate ways. She is in total denial that she is bipolar or has any problems. This guy that she is seeing has no idea, she lies to me and most likely him. He doesn’t care what she does. How many times do I have to be beaten down by the only people ive ever called family. She has never had to pay for her mistakes, she never had to be responsible for anything, or clean up her messes. Now as a final insult of live, my dad dies and my mother runs away with a stranger who is nothing more than an enabler. The comment that starts with “it is helpful a bit” was also mine… that’s it for now
It is helpful a bit, but I didn’t know what to expect from comments here, I have never talked about this to strangers. In the past when I had friends I would tell them bits and pieces only to get replies of sorry dude, or I don’t know how to respond to that. My friends never had to deal with anything real or difficult on a regular basis… or that’s just my justification of things because they just didn’t care about me. Either way there not friends now. The issues with my mother also started when she was young. She told me that she slept with over 100 men within the two years before she met and married my dad. Going from guy to guy until she met the love of her life. (the love of her life was not my dad) I suppose that if she never spent more than a night with a guy that the first man who wanted to see her again tomorrow would be the one she fell for. She describes this as a whirl wind romance and you would think that it lasted for years. She fell in love ran away to his house and moved in. then he ended up overdosing and died. When you learn that all this took place in 7 days it’s pretty obvious she had problems even then. And that didn’t stop her pattern, within a month of this guys death she was married to my father. And for moving a lot, we moved 8 times before I was 10 years old, I was told it was because my father was getting new jobs. But during this time, (except for the time we moved to Arizona) my dad had the same job, so I can only speculate that my mother couldn’t quell her urge to run away. It always seemed as though I was rushed to throw things in a bag and leave in the middle of the night. One time my mother told me we were leaving dad I was about 4. It was the middle of the night and she drove us to some guys house and I was told to stay in the other room ( back then I thought it was weird, as an adult now I can only think it was so they could have sex) while I was waiting I found a gun under the bed and went out to show my mom, she and him were upset with me, not because I was holding a gun but because I was interrupting them. We ultimately went back home to dad, my guess is that when my mother asked to stay indefinitely and have this stranger support her and her son that sex wasn’t enough of a bargaining chip… but who knows I was 4. you acknowledge that you have a problem and are getting help for it, in multiple ways, my mother has never gotten help and denies there’s anything wrong. I understand that she doesn’t know when she’s acting differently, I discussed it with her when she’s stable. She insists that she acts differently because of the drugs, but she changes before she starts taking the drugs. There’s is no rationalizing with her. She looks for at least one person to tell her she’s ok, or agree with her is some way, anything to strengthen her delusion. After that no amount of talking can convince her of anything, and then her threats become actions. As for not giving up on my mother… she has given up on me un told amounts of time, and in return all I get is heart ache and abandonment. When she does stabilize she takes no responsibility for any of her actions, the closest thing I ever got to an apology was “im sorry you felt bad about what happened” and that was only once. I completely understand that it’s not easy for you, because your trying to fix things, to make things better for you and your family, you accept what you’ve done and you don’t want to do it anymore for the sake of your kids and for your own health… as for my mother , she accepts nothing, she gets help with nothing, and never felt guilt about anything she did in the past or is doing now, she has no morality, if it makes her what she calls “happy” then she doesn’t care about the consequences and never has. So I guess to wrap it up your comment helps and not helps, it’s good that your getting better, but my mom is 62 and I don’t think will ever get better. My Stockholm syndrome is the only thing keeping me here, ive long forgone the concept of me being able to help her. And as long as the guy she ran away with is in total control of her action there is no chance of her ever getting stable… she has begun cashing her paycheck and is no longer paying her bills. Over the last weekend I had lunch with my mom and the guy she’s dating, hes hugely fat and bulbous in a “that’s not normal fat there’s something medically wrong with you” way. My mother for the last 9 months before she ran away with this guy was losing weight, she stopped eating sugar, (because of diabetes) butter, bread, red meat (because of gout) and only ate human portions of food. As a result she lost around 60 pounds. My mother wanted to reverse the diabetes and stop taking the meds that destroy her organs, and wanted to stop the gout meds for the same reason. After the first week with this guy she started eating all those things again and told me she no longer wants to lose weight because she doesn’t want to have her face get wrinkly. So when I met this hugely fat guy I knew that he was (indirectly or not) making her stop trying to be healthy. it was confirmed when we had lunch together and he gave my mother iced cream, and she ate it. This is a new dynamic having a stranger be involved, and enabling her with whatever she wants. It’s not a controllable situation anymore. She doesn’t trust me she doesn’t talk to me in person. Only over the phone so she can hang up. It’s only been 1 month, but to my mother it’s a lifetime. Looking at her teen years and how she went from guy to guy, and getting infatuated with anyone who wanted more than one night with her, perfectly explains why he is so into the fat medically wrong guy. He wants unprotected sex with a menopaused widowed woman, and my mom’s planning the wedding already. (I don’t know what he wants, that’s I guess anger or resentment talking. But my mom did say she was going to marry him.) That’s it for now, thank you for your comment, in some way it seems less lonely to have someone respond.
its now three months since my mother ran away with that guy. she now tells me that she is not coming home for the holidays. so im going to be home alone with no friends or family for the first time in my life during thanksgiving and christmas. literally having no one. my mother has always been sick but she always came home. like always my mother feels no guilt for how she treats me and her only concern is staying with this guy. I don’t have a job and the family home is in foreclosure, so I don’t even know if im going to have a home for the holiday either. I don’t know what I want from typing this, I guess its just to get it out there.
My mom can spend hours and hours yelling about something that makes no sense and she even finds different things to yell about.. she yells when we use a roll of toilet paper or when you call her or when you tell her the truth..shes a harsh person and she always talks about me and my brothers like we arent her kids she calls us whores, pigs, nasty,fat, disgusting, ignorant and the list goes on but it gets to the point where she uses violence i moved out for about 4 months with my dad because i couldn’t take it no more and she begged me to come back and she would stop she promised but ive only been back 8 days and shes started again like ik her life is hard but why is she like this, she drinks everynight, and i mean every single night..
I have the same problems too. My parents are divorced and my mom has bipolar. I do understand that she has her own health problems but that doesnt mean that she has to take her anger on me. I have a younger sister and my mom loves her so much. I feel like my mom hates me. She doesnt care about me at all and she yells at me for the things my sister does and for random stuff. I get yelled at and beaten up everyday. I dont like her. I dont know why she does this to only me. She is a sick person. I get so sad everyday that sometimes i feel like killing myself. She lies to my relatives saying that im an uncontrolable child and that I am the one that causes problems when I dont do anything. I cant put up with this anymore. I cant wait till my 12th grade finishes so I can leave for college and never see her face ever again.
I am the daughter of a mother with bipolar, I and the rest of my family have been through it with my mum over the years, my mum is currently having a seriously bad breakdown and has been of her medication for 5 months witch I wasn’t told about, last night I was harassed with abuse till 2 am this morning threats of getting me arrested and taking my 3 year old daughter away, she has also shown up outside my daughter’s nursery in a manic state and calls the police on everyone and creates lies . Every night I’m waiting for the police to turn up. What people don’t always recognise is the emotional pain the children go through. bipolar effects everyone close to that person even my mother in law is being treated by my mum, and as for the mental health act well that’s another story …
I am currently 20 years old and my whole life have been living with a mother who is bipolar . This experience has been nothing but emotionally draining , especially when I was a child . I grew up assuming everything I did was my fault … The feeling of being hated by my mother one min to having her wanting to cuddle the next. I continuously question why I stay so close with her when she has frequent anger stages that results in her disowning me for couple days becauseof the tone of my voice or having her love me one min but quickly change back to hating me. You would think that by now I wouldn’t be so sensitive to her actions and words but it effects me each time more and more … I try to distance myself in fact I moved out at 16.. But yet I experience guilt for trying to distance myself . I also have an older sister who I’m 100 percent sure is bipolar as well. I’m lost and have even seeked counciling for this , I think if I get advice from individuals going thru the same thing I might be able to understand a little more
I know exactly what you are going through and have gone through it myself. My mother cut off all ties with all of my siblings (I was the last one who stuck around as her personal punching bag and counselor which was the most draining thing I have ever done). I was scared to tell her I couldn’t continue a relationship because I knew she was/had been suicidal but for my own mental and emotional well being I let her promise of disowning me stick. We have very limited communication via text and she is not aware of the particulars of my life only very small ideas of what is going on. I know this is somewhat healthier for me and I have asked her to seek help including medication, if/when she does this then we can begin our path to some type of relationship.
My sister also is exhibiting the same signs as my mother and this is where I am very stuck. She threatens me with saying I can’t see my niece and nephew and that is when I cannot handle the relationship. Since they are little they cannot tell her whom they want to see and her control over them is overwhelming. And if I do not have a relationship with them when they are kids they will have little to no interest in seeing me when they are older.
I would say when it comes to your mom unless she is willing to seek help, for you to continuously go back is just causing yourself more pain then is acceptable. As far as your sister I don’t know what to say as I am in the same boat… Sending you a hug and knowing that you are not alone.
Can someone who shares the experience of the constant false accusations please email me? I don’t know if it’s allowed to give an email out, but I’m desperate for some support. I can’t sleep at night, can’t afford therapy. I would just like someone, anyone, to talk to that understands what I am going through. My email is midnightroselind@gmail.com
Over the last few years I have come to terms with the fact my mother suffers from depression and has my whole life, and she continues to ignore it and let it cause her and our family pain. She had been diagnosed after I had found (at the age of 17) her suicide letter, which she had not yet acted on. She began taking medication but went off of it herself after only 3 months of trying. During those 3 months she was better. Less erratic and her emotions weren’t such swings from laughing to sobbing, it was nice. After about a month of being secretly off I started to notice the mood swings, her constant battling with me over things and picking fights with me. I mentioned it and she told me she had stopped taking her medication because it made her “feel like a robot”. I never thought someone could be addicted to their highs that they would consider going off doctor prescribed medication but there she was waiting for the good moments/days instead of leveling out. After many years of a very up & down relationship, she now has cut off all of my siblings and myself. She states we are trying to control her and that we want to ruin her life because we have asked her to seek help and unfortunately her husband does not suggest the same.
My sister is now currently exhibiting the same emotional traits. The constant up and downs, picking arguments and telling me to stay out of her and her kids life over very trivial disagreements. She only dwells on the bad things and forgets all times you have been there to support or help her and her family. She has given me ultimatums to leave my boyfriend (whom I live with) since she simply doesn’t like him (with very unknown reasons to anyone). She is now threatening once again to kick me out of her and her kids lives.
I honestly don’t know what to do. I have asked her to seek someone to talk to about her harboring old issues she has, any resentment and anger she still holds onto for unknown reasons. I have told her it is difficult for me to continuously come back for more bashes but I feel like I am at a point where I can’t keep coming back to this type of relationship but I do not want to loose seeing her kids who mean the world to me. I am simply at a loss for what to do and where to go from here. I wish there was a magic wand for mental illness that loved ones could wave to show the people how much they truly care about them even when they are acting in an abusive way.
Any words of advice or care would be wonderful as I am lost as to what to do next?
Holy heck, i could only read half of these posts (if that) before realising, i do think there is more than just bipolar going on in many of these situations.
I was diagnosed with bipolar at the age of 27 after a couple of severe manic episodes. I am rarely in hospital though and extremely highly functioning with my own business and having worked in many roles in the mental health sector edcuating people about the consumer perspective in some of those roles.
. I am no way in denial of my illness or the effect it has on others, so i do choose to get help when i can feel things escalating and I am also pretty clued up about my meds and what i need to take.
the thing that blows me away with the majority of these posts is the total willingness to blame all the shit in someones life on ONE person. Crikey there are kids who grow up beaten and abused by supposedly ‘normal’ parents with less of a victim complex.
Im not saying you haven’t likely had some hard times, as I know my kids (although my two youngest 12 and 13 have limited recollection) have had some pretty horrible experiences from the last two episodes i was unwell (one was 6 years ago, the other was 12 years ago when i was pregnant with my youngest) My eldest is 17. BUT for the most part ive been hailed over the years by friends and family etc as being a wonderful mum, all three of my kids have been high acheivers and excel in sports and academically as well as being lovely natured and polite…theyve also grown up for the last 6 years with me on my own as well, so add solo mum to the mix, and judging by the way some of you talk they should be having some serious therapy!!
What i know also from several of my frends who come under than ‘normal’ spectrum is that they have often yelled and sworn at their kids in the heat of the moment (i swear but have only ever sworn at one of my children once in 17 years)….so perhaps there was more going on with your mothers than just bipolar, and perhaps in some cases you are finding it easier to blame her for your failings rather than taking some personal responsiblity?
Food for thought…
If you’ve read through the blog, as well as the comments here, then you know that they are NOT directed at everyone with bipolar. They are directed at unmedicated people who think they don’t have a problem
In my case (which is the only one I know from the inside), my mother has never admitted that she has bipolar, and quit the meds as soon as she could. You also know that your kids need you to maintain your regimen so that you can continue to be a good parent. Imagine just how wrong you would go if you decided you were cured, and imagine what effect that would have on your kids.
Where should I start? I’m 38 years old and mother of a 9 month old who is a sweet angel and have a loving husband. I swore at an early age I would not be like my mother who now is in a facility with dementia and bipolar 1. In a nutshell Mom was probably a bipolar sufferer from her childhood based on conversations from her family and close family friends. Back then they didn’t label mental illness least of all in Cuba. My mother is a smart woman, professional chemist, hard worker and perhaps in her own way loves her family but had great difficulty showing her love in a healthy way. She always loved being the life of the party, the devout Catholic, giving the facade of the perfect mother/wife and trying to impress
soo what are you asking???
Well,I’m going to be honest and say that I skipped a lot of the other comments. Sorry guys. I’m 16 this year. My mother is diagnosed with manic bipolar depression and is denial. I have a 9 year old brother that has hyperactive tendencies that drives me up the wall and I’m worrying that my father is going down the road to depression as well. I was abused by my mother (mentally and physically) since young so safe to say that I really have no qualms cutting ties with her. But then there’s my dad who refuses to give up on her.
Anyway, she is manipulative, intelligent and really, a drama queen. I think the reason it got so bad was probably because of my grandmother’s recent death due to an unfortunate car accident. She is the third sibling in her family and does everything to please her parents to gain affection. Linking this to now, my brother and I have a really big age gap for Asians. She’s manipulating my brother and I to hate each other just like what her mother did to them. It’s working tremendously well.
My mother will always use the guilt trip to stop me from shoving her meds down her throat or she’ll start yelling “Everything you own is mine. Your friends. Your skills. Everything.” It really doesn’t help that she’s a pharmacist. I swear one day I’ll just strangle her and be done with it. I really don’t know what to do anymore. She threw her meds away by the end of the week. And I can’t buy them. This has been going on for months.
She will also start screaming and crying randomly. I think the main reason I can’t stand her now is that she acts like a kid. A NINE year old kid to be exact. Do you see any adults running around wrecking HER DAUGHTER’S basketball and bouncing it till it hits the ceiling and starts squealing like a madwoman?! Oh, and do you see adults, sane adults walking around the compound with her undergarments only?! And she says” Oh it’s okay I’m covering my private parts.” No. Just no.
And then she goes ahead and says that I’m the one that has problems. I’m seeing a counselor now. The sessions are like “*Stares~~~~ So what are you doing here?” So apparently I’m violent. Wow. That fact is so well-known around my mates it isn’t even funny. Fine, I do have problems. And I’m working on it. But she’s the adult isn’t she the one who’s supposed to set an example by let’s say NOT BE IN DENIAL?
Okay, one thing is that she apologizes. It’s good really. At least she knows she’s wrong right? But then she goes ahead and does it over and over again. It’s always the same. “I’m sorry that you have to take care of him” “I’m a bad mother” “I’m sorry, I won’t hit you again.” …She just did hit me, well, tried to last Saturday. I’m tired of this already. Why can’t people see that she’s not worth saving anymore?
All my life I’ve been forced to fill in as a mother for my brother. I’m 16 and I’m tired of this. Why can’t she stop. She’s always going out with her friends, working… She scolds me if my brother has bad grades, got in trouble in school. She kicks me out of the house if I get bad grades in my academics as well as in piano. I’m trying. I really am trying to please her but I really think that it’s time to stop. I can’t take it already, I’ve been researching ways to get her to admit that she’s bipolar but it keeps backfiring. When dad’s frustrated I get scolded. I’m not a stress reliever. Aunts are always saying be strong take care of your brother. Why can’t THEY help for a change? Mom is always the first one to help them when they have problems.. why can’t they do that too?
To wrap it all up, I’m tired. I want this to stop. I can’t get away as I’m still studying and have a younger brother to take care. I’ve done everything I can. I’ve been receiving insults on a daily basis and I’ve never retorted. Unless she says “Why aren’t you saying anything?!” I really give up. She’s a lost cause. I’m 16 and I want to live like the others where all they worry is about new phones/bags/boyfriends etc. Why can’t my mom be normal.
~Night
I am 45 yrs old the only daughter of a rapid cycling bi-polar mother, l have 2 brothers. I am so amazed to read all of these mothers that have bi-polar and adult children. You all sound exactly like my mother, having big pity parties for yourselves. My goodness take responsibility for what you have done to your children. The only people who know how cruel you truly were but you and your kids. Please dont be so foolish as to think you can wish our memories away. Trying to convince us that you never did anything, no that doesnt work either but nice try. You have hurt us and our kids, that gives us a right to separate our lives from yours. Telling us things like you do and demanding resilience and subservient behaviors, we can only take so much. We can only honor you by living right and you make that impossible. You need to realize to honor you may mean to keep the kids away from you so they have a chance at being normal. You are mean and you act innocent as if tormenting someone is a “symptom” as if l can treat you like you have a cough? Just get away if you love us and know you are really being kind. Send a card but stay away from our families. Now it is time to have another pity party you immature senior.
I am 23 years old and an only child. My mother is and has been bipolar for as long as I can remember her. I think I didn’t have a normal childhood since I always considered myself responsible to stop my parents’ fighting and shouting before things got out of control. The whole neighborhood knew exactly what was going on in our house which was very humiliating and I just started keeping to myself. My relationship with my mother has never been good, in fact I’m not sure if she can feel I am her daughter because honestly, most of the times she treats me like a random person she hates. I decided to leave at the age of 19 after a long fight. She thought I must have been a whore because I went to a gynecologist and she also assumed I had contracted every STD on the planet. She thought all these things and chose to believe them. She spit me in the face because I kept silent. And then I just prepared my suitcase, grabbed my keys, took my dog and attempted to leave. But no. She locked the door and took a scissors telling me that she would commit suicide if I left. I can pretty much say that the dog saved me because he bit the hand with the scissors and I found enough time to get out. She called my dad and told him to let me starve in the streets so that I would return home. Thank God my dad decided to leave the house as well. And now, after all these years she keeps calling me and tells me that what happened then, and every thing that happened earlier was just a normal mother-daughter fight. And from that, she jumps to the fact that I stole her husband for his money. She finally hangs up and I am an emotional wreck. I tried to cut her off but it didn’t work that well. She started showing up at my workplace and I then had my first panic attack. So I’m right here, trying to understand how am I ever going to cope with this and wondering if I will ever manage to have a normal relationship with a man being the weirdo that I ended up being.
I am 18 years old, and I have finally accepted the fact that my mother is bipolar and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Growing up I always knew that something was wrong with my mum, one moment she would be helping me with school projects, taking me to my hockey games, doing art, then the next moment I’d have to go and visit her in a clinic. It never made sense to me.
When I turned 6 – it was explained that my mum wasn’t all that well, she has a condition where she gets “highs and lows” . I always blamed myself the moment she hits her low, because I thought that there must be SOME THING that triggers it?
As the years went by, I’d learn to see the signs of her becoming unstable, she would not listen to me or my father when we pleaded her to get help. She’s constantly in that denial phase. Her medication concoction is always wrong because she doesn’t take them right or simply does not feel the need to take the meds. For years I begged, I pleaded…but about a week ago, I made peace with the fact that she will only be able to accept help when she realises that she needs it. It’s not my fault, not my dad’s fault, and it’s not even her fault. It’s her illness. I love my mom to bits, last Friday I looked at her and for the first time in my life I realised that she’s not going to get better, and I was okay with that.
It hurts knowing that your own mother cannot even look after herself, so I cannot be selfish and ask her to look after me too.
One thing I have taken out of all this… my mother is not her illness, my mum is a sweet, loving and caring woman, and I cannot say that the woman I have been living with for the past 12 years is my mum. Because it’s not her. I’ve been living with her illness and I must accept the fact that she will not change unless she has the willpower to do so.
This is just my realisation, other people’s views could be very different.
Just remember that if you live with a family member living with bipolar. . Just remember how they used to be
You are only 18 and you have found peace with this. How is that? What things have you done to not let it take you over? Im 36 and still cant figure it out.
My mom has not been diagnosed bipolar, but her actions SCREAM it. She has refused to get help and has always put her children 2nd. It is so hard to deal with the constant yo yo of emotions. One minute she is loving and caring, the next, stone cold hearted to the point where you feel pure evil radiating from her. It makes the good moments that are few and far between hard to remember. We are all adults and I have kids of my own yet I am really struggling with bringing her around my children. All 3 of her children have distanced themselves from her, including me. It is really overwhelming trying to help her when she does not want the help. I have tried the best that I can to bring peace to my household, but when my mom is around, everyone is on edge. What advice can you give to keep my family at a mentally healthy state without severing off ties with my mom.
hello . i am 26 years old and i have been diagnosed bipolar since i was 10. both of my parents are bipolar which means i have a double bipolar . sadly my dad passed away this year due to being depressed and sick. my mother on the other hand is bipolar with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. which me i am the children that does everything wrong while my brothers do everything right even when they dont . i have had to deal with thsi all my life . my children are dealing with it to . my mother has temp custody of my kids due to me getting in trouble with the law a few year back. my mother has her good/bad days . more bad then good which is worrying me. she will not get help nor think she needs help . i can not talk to my brothers about anything that worrys me about her because they dont believe she is sick . i know how bipolar works because i am bipolar myself . she thinks drinking will make everything better which it doesn’t . i can talk to her and be normal when she is drinking but its not healthy for her or us as a family. for so reason in the state i live in .they will not allow me to place my mother in to a hospital to get treatment . which i think is stupid but yet i have the power to override oh life or death matters . i just need some pointer to help deal with her . when i was younger we got alone we were happy . we did everything together . she was my best friend and now i feel like i dont belong in the family .
My mother is bipolar. I believe maybe she was even born that way. Either that or it has been passed down from generation to generation. I’m not going to tell you my life’s story. But a lot has been done to me and said to me all my life that has caused me to feel worthless, angry, depressed, have anxiety, and even made me feel like I should have never been born. All from my mother. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother with all my heart and I long to have a true relationship with her. But I believe she is in true denial of her illness. And I do believe she does know what she’s doing when she’s being mean to me. I gave her a very sweet mother’s day card last year, that when you open it, it sings we love our mom. I also gave her a beautiful Santa sitting at a desk, that his hand moves and looks like he’s writing the good/naughty list, and it lights up and plays all kinds of christmas songs. She got mad at me right before christmas….Just as she has for the last 12 or more years, and she took that mother’s day care I gave her and scribbled out all the mother’s day words and wrote with black permanent marker, MERRY CHRISTMAS (my name) and said I HOPE YOU HAVE A HAPPY CHRISTMAS. She also took the santa sitting at the desk i had given her, wrapped it up, along with the card, and had my younger sister bring it to my house. Now she uses my 2 younger sisters against me all the time. I believe they are blinded by her illness. Now she gets mad if i tell her i love her. she pushes me away if i get to close. She asked me to come over all the time, and when i do come over, she or her husband say i’m coming over too much. When me or my sister come to their house, we are not allowed to touch anything. And if we get thirsty or hungry while we are there, we have to ask for anything, and then her husband starts screaming, “don’t eat everything, don’t drink all my pop!!” Growing up they only cared about their house, how many time to paint the walls and change the tiles and carpeting. They painted that house about every 3 months because they didn’t like the coloring. They changed the carpeting pretty much the same amount of times. My mom always calls me names, which I cannot repeat. She is always putting me down. I love her, but I cannot take it anymore. I don’t want to kick her out of my life, but I’m just about at that point. I have been physically and mentally and verbally abused all my life. I have no children, yet. But I’m even afraid to have any, because I do not want them to go through this. My baby sister has 3 children, and each one of them ages, 9, 5, and 4, have already experienced some of the things i experienced growing up, with my mom, their grandmother. I don’t know what to do. Even her doctors told her to go see a psychiatrist, but she told them no because she didn’t want the guys in white jackets to come get her. I cry constantly because of all the abuse. I am depressed constantly. When I do have a happy day, I’m afraid to let her know that I am happy, because then she starts putting me down. I am terrified, petrified of my mother. She has done so many things to me and my sisters. I’m really afraid to even mention this because I don’t want her to get in trouble, but I also don’t want to lose my life due to anxiety and stress!!! I NEED HELP!! I don’t know where to turn because I have no money to go see a doctor. My insurance only covers certain things. My doctor already told me he’s not gonna just dish out pills. Which I’m not wanting pills, I”m scared of pills, medicine for that matter, because I’ve been pretty much allergic to everything i”ve ever taken. I just want HELP!!! For those of you mothers on here that are bipolar. I’m sorry you are sick. I’m sorry you are going through what you are going through. I’m not sure how deep or bad your illness is, but I hope you and your children can make amends. For those of you that are going through this, that I am going through. Maybe we can help eachother!!! I mean sometimes I have noone to talk to but God!! And He is number one person I go too!!! But sometimes I need a human to talk too. And I beleive God understands that!! Not only all that, but my mom uses my sisters and me against one another. She will give one of us something and make sure the others know about it. and then smirk at the others as shes talkign about it. She plays us on eachother is what i mean. Also, every friend I have ever had, or boyfriend, even my husband. She has come against, or tried to turn them against me. She would call them and tell them bad stuff about me. She would even lie to them and tell them that I said bad stuff about them. She would throw my friend out if they were too pretty. Needless to say, I have my husband, my pastor, and God as my friends. That’s it. She even came to my church, and threatened my pastor. Said, she would tap them out, meaning hit them. All because I go to church there and I love them and they love me. Super jealousy issues I guess. I don’t want to be like this ever!!! I told God if I was going to treat my children this way, to NEVER let me have any!! Beacause I don’t want to see anyone go through this. And as mean as my mom has been to me, I woudn’t want her to go through this!! I’m actually afraid to post this, becaues I’m afraid some how my mom will find out. Then she wil really go off. I mean I’m an adult, I should not be so terrified. But i am!! I am so scared of everything and everyone!! If I have to go to the store, I try to just run in and get right back out to the car. I know I probably sound crazy, but if you were being treated this way, then you would understand!!!
Hello everyone, I am 21 years old and I live with my parents and siblings. My mother is 39 and was diagnosed as bipolar around 4 years ago. Everything made sense after that. All of her paranoia and hatred towards certain people and how easy she go pissed. Well, when she first went n her medicine she got better and it was wonderful. None of us had seen her like that in years….but in the past year its one down hill. The smallest thing pisses her off. She shoves words in our mouths and logic has no meaning to her. If I want to go to town and hang out with friends she gets mad, or if I’m late coming home late from work she gets mad….One night my bloodsugr was low, so I texted my dad to let him now and that I wasn’t going to leave until I felt it had come up enough for me to drive without worry….I got home and she called me a liar, saying that I was off somewhere else instead. all she would’ve had to do was call one of my friends and coworker and he would’ve told her where I was. My dad knew I had done what was best. She yells and scream and no one is right but her. I have been called whore, slut, bitch, trash just for standing up to her….and over the stupidest things that I shouldn’t have to defend myself about.
She tells me to get a life, then gets mad when I do go out and tries to find reasons for me to stay home. I can’t even go out with my boyfriend for fear of her. she hasn’t hit anyone of us but has thrown things in our directions. I’ve had one of the biggest potted plants in the house thrown towards me before and my sister just had a cup of water thrown at her not too long ago…..I love my mom but she is a controlling, spoiled, child and she hides behind her illness. I am afraid to do anything. I’ve been working on moving out and she found out recently. She basically talked down to me, acted as if I was 5 years old playing pretend and said I would turn into a druggy alcoholic whore with a bunch of kids and would live off of government support….apparently she already thinks I’m a whore because when I mentioned that a guy friend had offered to be a roommate she flipped her shit.
…..We’ve tried to help her and she sees a therapist and takes meds…but she doesn’t try and she is never sorry abut the things she says or dos during one of her episodes. in fact she just ignores them. She controls us wit her illness and abuses it. Me and my siblings cant even speak our minds and be ourselves. nothing makes her happy. I don’t want to live this way but everyone here has just about reached our breaking points and can’t live in fear for much longer.
I came across this website while having a text conversation about how being a horrible parent to someone can ruin them for life. I too was raised by a bipolar mother. For all the bipolar patents out there who treat their children lovingly, don’t hit or scream at them, and treat their illness rather than let it turn you into a monster that will haunt a child for the rest of their lives, you are truly awesome parents beating your disease for the sake of your children. I wasn’t so lucky. My mother didn’t get treatment until I was a teenager and by then the damage was done. The only reason she did anything was because my father threatened to divorce her. I walked on egg shells for my entire early childhood. One day you spill milk and she helps you clean it up, the next you spill water and you’re being hit while being called retarded. She was also very manipulating. She pit me and my brother against eachother for the longest time to the point I don’t have a relationship with him. She would tell me if I didn’t help her clean my room at 3am my father would beat her. I’ve never seen a mark on her. My father caught her beating us with a belt to the point he took us and ran. She told him if he didn’t bring us back she’d call the police and blame the bruises on him. Everyone in the family knew she had a problem but didn’t want to get involved. Growing up I started cutting myself regularly, which I still get the urge to do when I’m upset. I tried go commit suicide 3 times before I was 15. When I asked her for help she just brushed me aside like I was lying. I have horrible depression, and surprisingly I managed to graduate from college twice. I still feel worthless, have little to no self esteem, and still have trouble doing things for myself. I’m horribly socially awkward. My mother told me regularly how a stranger was going to kidnap me and kill me. I have a hard time trusting people and it effects my life very negatively. I feel that everything I do is wrong and the world would be better if I put a bullet through my brain. I’ve probably blacked out most of the things she did to me. My point is bipolar disorder is very serious and these people need help for their children’s sake. I still try to keep a relationship with my mother, she’s gotten better over the years. I do agree with people who don’t want their untreated parent around their children. If you haven’t lived it you have no idea how devastating being raised by a mentally I’ll parent can be.
I don’t have a mother. She is alive but not well. She was abusive during our childhood and now is abusive to my father. When the police come they tell my dad to have her committed. She hits him, hides money, she is mean. She says she is embarrassed of us as children, was never meant to have children. She breaks things, spends money uncontrollably. It is a living nightmare that has almost completely broken my dad and effected my children and sister. She won’t get help. She is the most selfish human being on this planet. I have come to the realization that I do not have a mother. Now I pray that she doesn’t hurt or kill my father.
I am a 34 year old woman,daughter,mother i am a daughter to a mother with mental illness and have, been a child who never quite knew which “mum” i was coming home to in my teens i decided to avoid “home” as much as possible i had younger siblings who i cared for my respite came when my dad returned from work and my innocence and behaviour to be allowed to act as a child i never quite knew my place i was a caregiver by day and a child by night blurred boundaries meant i had no order in my life i left home at 18 after alot of confrontations i made my way in the world got a good job and for 13 years i worked hard ,still maintained a strong relationship with my siblings and looked out for them offered a place of shelter from the “dark days”that engulfed there lifes as it had mine i fell pregnant suffered post natal depression my mother was my rock very supportive and absolutely grateful in the time and effort repaid into my sons first year,i was still mentally ill when i found out i was pregnant again and this time around my mother did not want to know abd disowned me in hindsight i think my own upbringing made me fear not being good enough for my babies im terrified i will be a volitile monster but im medication compliant and level my kids are 6 and 4 and i know im not perfect but i will not let history repeat itself my narcisstic mother has had too much of my love and thoughts and now i need to enjoy my kids so they dont resent me .people have good days and bad just sometimes i have multiple goods and bads in a day im abit quirky and eccentric but i have empathy towards my kids and if i feel an episode i remove myself until it subsides and im more even having a good support network and being honest to professionals is good advice its abit like cheating on a diet if you dont tell the truth ypu wont get the support you need good luck stay strong .
Hello. I am a 19 year old girl who has a mother who suffers with uni-polar. She attended a hospital treatment last year for 6 weeks but she was never the same since. I have come to a stage in my life where I feel I should have a strong bond with my mother, but really she doesn’t know anything about me or who I am. I have a deep anger inside by the hurtful things she says and every morning when I wake up I fear of what have I done wrong today that is going to make her angry. All I want is my mother to love me and be proud for what I have accomplished in life but all I feel is hatred and unwanted.. Almost a burden on her life. When I was 17 I moved out of home to go to college, since then I had to grow up too quickly and become totally independent. I have now moved back home for a period of time and no word of a lie it’s the hardest thing I had to do. All I want is to be loved, to see my mother smile and laugh with me instead of having a massive argument about something as small as ‘using her new towels’. Any advice on how to block out hurtful things she says and maybe try to make a relationship with her?
Maybe this is not the best advise at all but I honestly think this disease can NOT be treated. live, love, lost. It gets worst with age. Long story of my experience.
I have just spent the last few hours reading these posts and can relate to so much about what has been said. I’m in my late thirties, have two gorgeous young children and a bipolar mother. I’m currently working out how to no longer have any contact with her and am seeing a psychologist. After 18 yrs of minimal contact she has edged her way back in to my life and has caused me countless sleepness nights because of her behaviour and recent manic episode. Thankfully she is currently hospitalised. Anyway, thank you for this page, strangely it has made me feel stronger knowing other people in a similar situation have broken all contact with their bipolar mother.
This site is validating and thought-provoking. When I started to read up about BPD 10 years ago, the discussion of mania seemed to emphasize euphoria, not dysphoria. It is one of the reasons why it took me so long to recognize the illness for what it is. For many years I believed that my mother’s irritability, arguing and temper tantrums were part of her personality. Her depressive episodes got the attention and medication instead.
My mother does not have one of the more extreme forms of BPD, but I have realized through reading this site that she covers quite a bit of the behavior in milder form: denial, sucking up the sympathy, reveling in melodrama, lies, controlling behavior, emotional blackmail as well as periods of calm when she is truly lovely.
Family who do not believe the child and the husband as an enabler are also very true. Being heard is important and something I rarely got when I was younger. More likely I would be interrupted by my mother and talked across before she continued as though I had never said anything.
After reading through this site I am beginning to think about some other issues for the first time, like targeting a particular child, narcissistic behavior and those quirks of ours which may be a side-effect of her behavior over the years.
Hey i need. Help. Trying to deal wjth my wife she is bipolar. And dealing with the news. That she just got a few weeks ago. Her mom gots cancer and doing bad. I no that we got are ups and downs but this time i no i am lost and she thinks or saying to that i dont care. I have try to show that i no what she is going thur some 1 plz any thing that can help let me no plz
Im a 19 year old living with my mother who is bipolar. I read through all of the comments in the last 2 days and can relate so much. I always thought I was the only person who has to get through this. I live alone with my mother, my sister moved out 3 years ago and I have to deal with my bipolar mother every single day. My mother doesnt work so shes at home every single day. I always kind of knew my mom wasnt like all other kids moms. She used to be so loving, caring and was very popular, had a lot of friends and people liked her a lot. Thats totally different now. People try to stay away from her as much as possible.
I know that my mother had a horrible marriage with my father (he beat her etc.) and she told me that she could never deal with her own parents divorce etc. The older I got the weirder my mum acted.(I only just realized that a couple of years ago, while I was younger I thought it was normal the way she acted). She would refuse to let me out of the house cause I wanted to go to school, she wud believe that my sister and I were in a sect and that everyone is plotting against her. When I was around 13,14 she was sent to the hospital for a couple of weeks. I can remember that when my mum came back home she acted more “normal” but eventually it started to get worse. She refused to take any meds and also was sure that everything was fine with her. Shes still like that today! I wake up every day knowing that Ill be screamed at because Ill do something wrong. Stuff like where I hang my jacket, that I put my shoes in the wrong place etc. Just little things would make her yell at me and call me stupid names.
She calls my sister and me “monkeys”(normally Id laugh if someone calls me monkey, but not with her), even called us “little whores” at my sisters birthday. Other things I get to hear nearly everyday is “I raised so stupid children”, “Youre not doing that and that right”, “youre exactly like your father” and things like “I hate you”. There were a lot of times where she made me feel so worthless, angry (even at myself) and there were times where I believed her. I believed her that I was worthless and that im a bad person and that its my fault that she feels the way she does. I am not a bad person and its not my fault my mother is like that. It is so incredibly hard to live with a bipolar mother and sometimes I just cant control my anger and just scream at her. Sometimes its all to much!
My mother always told me how my sister and I had everything when we were younger and that wed always get what we wanted. We never had a mother who would listen to our problems while we got older. Even now its all about my mother. She always tries to blame everyone else, everyone is plotting agains her. We are mental NOT her. Furthermore she would always have pain everywhere and I would be responisble for the houshold, making her food (not cooking for US, FOR HER, shed eat in her room afterwards on her own) etc. Its funny how she isnt in pain while she can hit me and can scream at me at the top of her lungs.
I feel very sorry for my mum that she is that way and I know its not her fault but her brain doesnt function properly. I blame her though for NEVER telling me or my sister what has been going on with her. We were the ones who figured out that she is bipolar. She would never talk to us about it or tell us that something wasnt quite right with her. If a bipolar parent is reading this: please, please talk to your children no matter how old they are. Dont try to ‘protect’ them, even when theyre young you can still explain it to them in an easy way. My mum always told me that its not my responsibility to deal with her deaseas and its none of my business that shes ill. WRONG! I probably would have acted different if I knew right from the beginning that something wasnt right with my mum. It would have been easier knowing that my mums behaviour isnt normal instead of now looking back knowing that it wasnt normal but at that time thinking it was. Please talk to your children.
I came here looking for help and im so relieved Im not the only one suffering with a bipolar parent. I know it sounds weird but its kind of relieving.
I know Im only 19 but Id like to share my “tips” that have helped me a bit to deal with a bipolar parent and share things that I wish I would have known earlier.
First of all, it is not your fault your parent is like that and its not your parents fault either. Its a deaseas that they cant control. I had a very hard time understanding that and at some point I still dont understand it. Our brain is such a complex thing and I know that my mothers brain doesnt function right. This is so hard to understand! I see a person with a broken leg and I know theyre ill but when someone behaves like my mum does its hard to believe that shes ‘ill’.
For a very very long time I thought that it was her choice to treat me like that. She wanted to. She loved to call me stupid names and she loved to make me feel angry and sad etc. Thats not the case, she DOESNT choose to do these things. She feels emotions 10 times more than I do and she projects emotion she feels towards other people onto me. I remember when Im angry that I have a really hard time controlling myself, I think we all felt like that in our lifes before. Thats how my mum feels, 10 times harder. It is so, so hard to control oneself and not get into an argument when youre being called “stupid” or “worthless” by your own mother. I know that. But remember, that your parent is ill! Would you react to a mental person who is calling you stupid names at a psychiatry? No, you wouldnt cause you know theyre ill.
In addition, when your parent has an psychosis and they call you “stupid” or “worthless” etc., its not true! Youre not worthless or stupid or anything else your parent calls you in an episode. That was hard for me to learn as well. Your well being should be on top of your priority list. It is important, that youre healthy and that you feel happy and good about yourself. My mom would always call me selfish cause all I “ever cared about was myself.” Try not to listen to it and try to sourround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself.
I found it very relieving to talk to people about my mothers condition and how I feel about it. I want to start to go to a therapist to get stuff out and I would highly recommend to do the same.
It is so hard and very sad to have a bipolar parent, expecially growing up with it. We love our parent either way but at some point its just so frustrating seeing friends growing up in a differnet way. Dont get bitter,angry or agressive like I was over a very long time. Try to accept your parents bahaviour as a deaseas (I know its so hard) and make sure that your well being is a priority to you.
Life unfortunately isnt easy but what doesnt kill you makes you stronger.
(Sorry for the all over the place story and bad english)
due to financial reasons me and my partner have to live with his parents, I don’t have a problem with his dad but I hate his mother. She had been diagnosed with bipolar when she was 16 and apparently it was under control, even when I moved in she was fine for about a month or so but then the nastiness started, on top of her medication she started drinking heavily and became very abusive verbally at first but then it became physical, she slapped my fiance and tried to stab his dad and we had to phone the police on her. We have now stopped buying her alcohol full stop to stop this violence happening again (she refuses to leave the house so we know she won’t buy herself any) but now she’s refusing to take her meds so is constantly in a bad mood and takes it out on me, she will talk fine to my fiance and his dad but she tries to pretend I’m not even there, if I walk into a room she will walk out or turn around and when it comes to going to bed she used to say “night both” but now she only says “night son” to make it known she wasn’t saying it to me. This has been going on for months now and there’s no sign of it improving, she’s making living here unbearable, ive mentioned it to my partner and he’s noticed it too he tells me to just try to ignore her as best as I can. I just don’t get it ive always been nothing but nice to her, I even comforted her when her sister died and this is how she repays me! I cannot wait until we can afford to move out and I won’t be looking back to this nightmare.
My mother abandoned me a my five siblings when I was 11yrs old. I had to raise my four younger siblings. We were left hungry dirty and destitute. My mothers health is failing and she expects me to care for her. I love her in spite of the brutal neglect, but I can’t do it. Those memories keep flooding my brain. Please give me advice on / how to deal
Im 20 years old and have lived with my father, who has extreme bipolar disorder/manic depression my entire life. I have had enough and I am at my breaking point, to the point where I have came across this blog and I am so thankful to hear people have the same feelings as I. I am an only child, and my dad goes through ups and downs all year around. But, his downs are violent and abuse towards my mother and I. He tells her HORRIBLE things, he makes up irrational situations that are not true in his head and harasses my mother about them all day and night, follows her around the house screaming at her and at times physically abusing her. His main issue he always has is that my mom is cheating on him, which is NOT true in the least… at all.. it never has happened and he has thought this since I was a child. A man speaks to my mom and apparently my mom is cheating on him with whoever. It has become so extreme that he has accused her of sleeping with MY FRIENDS (my 20 year old friends), his family, her family, her coworkers, random people she meets. My earliest memory of his disorder was my mom screaming “Help me, he is going to push me down the stairs, call the police” and me running outside of my house to get away from it. In September my dad went into a rage while I was not around (I live away at school in University through the year, although I come home quite a bit to make sure my mother is okay), my dad was accusing my mom of sleeping with his cousin, she hid in my room and he ripped my bedroom door off to get at her, and threw my door down the stairs, had holes in the walls all over the house, and she ended up leaving.. only to come back and forgive him two days later. He took $2000 out of their bank account when this happened, and changed the locks on the house door. She eventually came back home and forgave him like she always does. This isn’t the first time he has hit her or hurt her. When I was a child I would end up being abused because I would get between the fighting. My dad has hit my breaking point, as he is on a rampage again today. He is mad today because my mother is getting an award at work tonight for 30 years of service and she asked me to come with her, and she didn’t ask him. So he is now accusing her of horrible things. I could sit here all day and write the many abusive situations. Once we had a restraining order against him because he dragged her out of bed and I called the police, but my parents then blamed the whole thing on me, saying I was “scared” because I heard them screaming at each other and called the police. All charges dropped. My voice is never heard. I need some input on my situation, and some advice from anyone on getting out of these types of situations.. I can not go without being heard any longer..
Where do I start? I’m 38 yrs old, the daughter of a bi-polar mother, & only girl of 3 brothers. I remember being called every bitch, whore, M.F etc in the book, being yelled at & hit all of the time, from four yrs old until I escaped the rath of her sickness. I would also find her in puddles of blood (when I was a child), where she’d slit her wrists. She drank all day everyday, which didn’t help her condition. At the age of 14 I started running away from home, as she would take her anger out on me, physically and verbally abusing me, whenever she got upset about something. I remember going to school in the 1st grade with a black eye, I remember starting my first day of H.S with bruises & welts all over my body from her beating me with a broom, and a big thick security guard belt. I was a very artistic and talented child in school. I signed up for every play getting lead roles, I was a track star, and excellent graphic artist, facing scholarships. Unfortunately for me, I was too preoccupied with trying to run away from home all the time and lost my focus on these things. Although I had a father that I’d run to, the Police would just take me right back home telling my dad that he’d have to take her to court to fight for custody. He didn’t want to deal with her, and would just send me back home warning her that she’d better keep her hands off of me or he’d follow through with court proceedings for custody. So the physical abuse died down but the verbal abuse just worsened. I hated her as a child & would pray to God that he’d send me a different mother. On top of this, I’d been molested at the age of 5 to 7 yrs old, by a brother 9 yrs older than me. So I’m also walking around carrying this weight on me as well. I could never talk to her about anything without getting cursed out or hit, so I just shut down, & at 18, she noticed some tension between myself & her Son, as I’d show hatred towards him, I even tried stabbing him once. She gathered the guts to ask me what the problem was, so I opened up and told her what he had done to me, only to be hurt all over again. She asked why I waited so long to tell her, she took his side & believed his lie that he didn’t do it. To this day, she throws him in my face, always praising him, although he’s come clean and admitted, although he’s been listed as a sex offender that can’t be around other children, due to him touching a friend’s 15 yr old daughter inappropriately. I’ve tried forgiving her, as she claims she was undiagnosed when we were kids, and didn’t know any better. Yet she’s still mean as hell when she wants to be. I got through periods if time where I cut all communication off with her for my own happiness and sanity. Her medication dosage has been raised to the point of her walking around the house zombie like, falling and burning food every chance she gets. So I try & still look out for her, taking her to appointments, although I live 40 miles away, while her worthless son’s live right down the street from her. I chose to cut all relationships off with them as well. She wants me to sit and pretend her son did nothing to me, brushing everything under the rug calling me mean because I no longer will do that. I’m tired of wearing a mask to please her, I feel she’s just as sick and guilty as her son that raped me as a child. My other brother, yes her other son has been sleeping with his own teenage daughter as well as multiple teenagers over the years, and was finally caught, due to the daughter finally telling on him. He only served one yr and received probation. I told my mother I wanted no relationship or communication with her son’s or their dysfunctional wives and children. It’s a very weird situation, and this missive will go on way to long if I go into it. This upset her, and she once again referred to me as being mean for not wanting to be around these people. I’ve tried to be nice and move forward with her, but at this point, I feel my happiness is more important. I have two beautiful kids to live for, to protect from these sick people, and have made the choice to completely cut off any type of contact or relationship with all of them. It seems like her mind is backwards. She praises bad behavior, & surrounds herself with bad & negative people, but push people that try & help her (such as myself away). I remember her telling me that she was planning on killing herself, me & my siblings when we were kids. Once I began to speak up to her, she told the only brother that I was close to that she’d stab me. So honestly, she’s lucky I tried thus far to have a relationship with her. She’s violent & capable of it, as she’s stabbed my step father twice. Poor man honestly did nothing to deserve it. She’s emotionally sick, never taught me how to love anyone. I had to learn on my own. She just tore everyone down, accept the ones that mistreated her. To this day, she’s still cutting herself, & emotionally, I can’t deal with that and don’t want my kids around it. It seems now she’s just doing things for attention, because she’s now old & lonely & has no one to take her frustrations out on. My step father died of a heart attack tears ago, so she has no one to take her sickness out on. I’m content with my decision. I have two children I’m raising total opposite of how I was raised, & they’re what’s important, & my sanity as well. This is only the tip of the iceberg–there’s so much more to this dysfunctional story.
Where do I start? I’m 38 yrs old, the daughter of a bi-polar mother, & only girl of 3 brothers. I remember being called every bitch, whore, M.F etc in the book from four yrs old until I escaped the wrath of her sickness. I would also find her in puddles of blood (when I was a child), where she’d slit her wrists. She drank all day everyday, which didn’t help her condition. At the age of 14, I started running away from home, as she would take her anger out on me, physically and verbally abusing me, whenever she got upset about something. I remember going to school in the 1st grade with a black eye, I remember starting my first day of H.S with bruises & welts all over my body from her beating me with a broom, and a big thick security guard belt. I was a very artistic and talented child in school. I signed up for every play getting lead roles, I was a track star, and excellent graphic artist, facing scholarships. Unfortunately for me, I was too preoccupied with trying to run away from home all the time and lost my focus on these things. Although I had a father that I’d run to, the Police would just take me right back home telling my dad that he’d have to take her to court to fight for custody. He didn’t want to deal with her, and would just send me back home warning her that she’d better keep her hands off of me or he’d follow through with court proceedings for custody. So the physical abuse died down but the verbal abuse just worsened. I hated her as a child & would pray to God that he’d send me a different mother. On top of this, I’d been molested at the age of 5 to 7 yrs old, by a brother 9 yrs older than me. So I’m also walking around carrying this weight on me as well. I could never talk to her about anything without getting cursed out or hit, so I just shut down, & at 18, she noticed some tension between myself & her son, as I’d show hatred towards him, I even tried stabbing him once. She gathered the guts to ask me what the problem was, so I opened up and told her what he had done to me, only to be hurt all over again. She asked why I waited so long to tell her, she took his side & believed his lie that he didn’t do it. To this day, she throws him in my face, always praising him, although he’s come clean and admitted what he did to me, although he’s been listed as a sex offender that can’t be around other children, due to him touching a friend’s 15 yr old daughter inappropriately. I’ve tried forgiving her, as she claims she was undiagnosed when we were kids, and didn’t know any better. Yet she’s still mean as hell when she wants to be. I go through periods of time where I cut all communication off with her for my own happiness and sanity. Her medication dosage has been raised to the point of her walking around the house zombie like, falling and burning food every chance she gets. So I try & still look out for her, taking her to appointments, although I live 40 miles away, while her worthless son’s live right down the street from her. I chose to cut all relationships off with them as well. She wants me to sit and pretend her son did nothing to me, brushing everything under the rug calling me mean because I no longer will do that. I’m tired of wearing a mask to please her, I feel she’s just as sick and guilty as her son that raped me as a child. My other brother, yes her other son has been sleeping with his own teenage daughter as well as multiple teenagers over the years, and was finally caught, due to the daughter finally telling on him. He only served one yr and received probation. I told my mother I wanted no relationship or communication with her son’s or their dysfunctional wives and children. It’s a very weird situation, and this missive will go on way to long if I go into it. This upset her, and she once again referred to me as being mean for not wanting to be around these people. I’ve tried to be nice and move forward with her, but at this point, I feel my happiness is more important. I have two beautiful kids to live for, to protect from these sick people, and have made the choice to completely cut off any type of contact or relationship with all of them. It seems like her mind is backwards. She praises bad behavior, & surrounds herself with bad & negative people, but push people that try & help her (such as myself), away. I remember her telling me that she was planning on killing herself, me & my siblings when we were kids. Once I began to speak up to her, she told the only brother that I was close to that she’d stab me. So honestly, she’s lucky I tried thus far to have a relationship with her. She’s violent & capable of it, as she’s stabbed my step father twice. Poor man honestly did nothing to deserve it. She’s emotionally sick, never taught me how to love anyone. I had to learn on my own. She just tore everyone down, except the ones that mistreated her. To this day, she’s still cutting herself, & emotionally, I can’t deal with that and don’t want my kids around it. It seems now she’s just doing things for attention, because she’s now old & lonely & has no one to take her frustrations out on. My step father died of a heart attack years ago, so she has no one to take her sickness out on. I’m content with my decision. I have two children I’m raising total opposite of how I was raised, & they’re what’s important, & my sanity as well. This is only the tip of the iceberg–there’s so much more to this dysfunctional story.
Wow, you are so strong. I admire your perseverance in the face of the difficulties you faced.
hi there, my brother has BP 1 ( manic ) and I understand bothsides of the story . It is true, living with BP is terrible for the sufferer and people around them , and it is the responsiblity of the BP sufferer to be aware of themselves so they can cope and the outside people to be patient
Hello All,
My name is Brittany. I’m 24 years old, recently engaged to an amazing woman with two children who I love as my own, and will be graduating law school in less than two months. I should be the happiest girl alive.
However, I’m having an extremely hard time with the internal struggle I am having in regards to my mother. My mom is diagnosed with bupolar disorder. Her battle with mental illness seemed to begin when I was about 5 years old and it’s never slowed down since.
I have never judged my mother, or anyone else, due to their illness. I actually took every psych class available in my undergrad in hopes to be “better” for my mom.
I’m at a point now, though, that I truly can’t handle my mom or the drama that is neverending. And I don’t just mean harsh comments or mood swings. My life with my mom, and now my older brother, has been hell. my mom doesn’t deny being sick (although she refused to accept a diagnosis of a personality disorder), she takes the meds she’s prescribed (and probably then some), and she goes to her therapist weekly. Yet, nothing seems to help, wven after 20 years of this.
My mom, throughout my life, abused drugs (from pills to speed to heroin), there are times i recall her telling me i ruined her high or forgetting my somewhere because she passed out. She was in the hpospital more than out from the time i was 5 until i was 17. She had many rounds of ect’s (which actually are the only treaent that wver provided progress, though short lived ), and was more of the child than the parent. she dated and atayed with terrible men after leaving my father. One nearly murdered her and the other nearly murdered my brother. She got pregnant by one of them and then slept with my dad, said it was his, but that she wanted an abortion, and got my father to pay for it. She told lies of of bf’s raping her as revenge against them. It goes on and on. My older brother, now 29, saw and dealt with much more than i ever have and on top of that his bio dad (he was raised by my father from the age of 2) showed up when my brother was 20 and then hung himsepf 6 months later.My brother ove the past 10+ years has developed the most debilitating drug addiction. He will use anything, but prefers meth and has been convicted of cooking it as well. I tried for many years to help him but he has yet to truly want the help. 6 months after i asked my.fiance to marry me, my brother asked.his gf to marry him. His gf of a few months who is also an addict, introduced her kids to heroin, and is employed as a prostitute. Well back in august, when my.brother was arrested, my mother atated, in front of people I’m very good friends with, “what am.i going to do, he’s my favorite child.” I have spent years given my mom rides because she has no license anymore, and helping her financially when i could. And that’s what she says to people. Well this past week i found out that she gave my brother our grandmother’s ring to propose to his gf with…
Let me really make my point, she gave my ananny’s ring to my brother to propose to his addict, prostitute, neglectdul mother of a gf. When i proposed, i was offered no such thing…wven though i.proposed 6 motnhs prior toy.brother, had been with my gf for.quite some time, and my mother had gotten to.know her very well… my mom has broken my heart many times, but nothing compares to these recent “events.”
And on top of It lateley has been nothing but her criticizing me nonstop and talking to me in the most condesending ways imaginable. My mom is sucking my happiness and love for Life out of me. I want nothing more than to cut her from my life…but somehow i still manage to guilt trip myself about how a good person wouldn’t do that. And then this weekend my brother slit.his wrists and was messaging me about how he was going to kill himself, and i had.no.idea where he was and could only try and talk him down. The saddest moment of my life. My brother was and is my best friend. I love him so deeply that my heart literally aches for him.
I now have been battling my own physical mystery illness for 7 months Which causes chronic 24/7 pain in my back but i have not allowed it to slow me down in my goals. But i need to take care of me and my family I’m starting…
I just don’t know what to do about my mom and my feelings towards her… any advice from anyone would be more than appreciated.
I’m sorry by the way that this is so long and disorganized, for some reason tonight I’m truly struggling with my options.
To all the bipolar people bitching about the author: I’m bipolar too, so is my my mother, all her siblings, and my own siblings and cousins. Feeling frustrated, hurt, impatient, etc are all perfectly understandable and acceptable. It took me years of self-help to get my mood swings under some level of control, but I’m only 20 and I can handle myself pretty okay. So can most of my bipolar family members. But my mom is 55 and my brother is almost 40, yet not only are they incredibly volatile and controlling during their episodes, but they still are in denial that anything is wrong with them even after decades of 911 calls, failed relationships, and other bipolar people blatantly telling them they need help. Counseling, behavioral therapy, weed, anything. I know I have a problem too, but at least I admit it and try to help myself, and I love my family, but only they can help themselves too. I know from my own personal experience that being babied and waited on only gives you less incentive to try to change.
I have been reading this site the last few years, but never wrote on it. I’m 45 and it’s my father who is bipolar. Everything I read about parents who are bipolar could describe my father exactly. Even the parents who get on and rant …because I could see my father saying those same things verbatum. I gave up all communication with him about 4 years ago when I finally realized he would never get help. I have been sucked emotionally dry. This has been a constant guilt struggle, but I’ve been to counseling and it really is what is best for my family. I have to remind myself that without him getting help, nothing can change. He will always be the victim and I will always be the ungrateful child in his mind. My father was never physically abusive, only emotional. I really don’t think he is a bad person, but he says really hurtful things. For example, I lost my 7 year old daughter to cancer and he told me that I was a horrible mother and killed my daughter. My life stopped when my daughter was sick. I devoted everything to get my little girl healthy. I’m heartbroken that she is no longer with us. I know that my fathers brain isn’t normal, but I’m so sad that he refuses to get help. I won’t let my other young child be around him because I don’t want him to be exposed to the emotional rollercoaster. I fought low self esteem for years. That’s not what I want for my kids.
It seems to me that my father also has gotten worse with age. Is it because my eyes are open or does the disease progress?
I know there is a possibility that I our my son will have this illness. I tell my husband all the time, if I ever start having symptoms tell me. I will get help. I would never want to lose my family because I think I’m ok when my family is telling me otherwise. I trust my husband to be honest and upfront. So far he says I’m rational. Fingers crossed, but if there comes a time I need help… I won’t hesitate to get help. I know this disease can drive away loved ones for their own survival. I tell my son too, if you end up having this illness, you must take the meds, even if you think you don’t need them because that’s how the disease works.
I’m right there with you, just with my mother. I am so sorry to read about your loss and the awful words your father had for you. My mom is the same, she never slapped me but said words that sting just as much. Lots of love sent your way to help you heal.
It was by chance I found this blog and in the ooh, 10 minutes that I’ve been reading comments it was as if I was reading my own words. It amazes me that so many have similar stories from beginning to end. When it often feels like I’m alone it’s a strange comfort to read these comments.
My experience seems slightly mild to what I have been reading but the feelings are the same. I wholeheartedly believe my mother is bipolar and it took my own suicide attempt and weeks in therapy to realize what had been present my entire life. Now that I’m a full fledged adult (30 yrs old), married and have a child of my own, I fear I will become her. I tell my husband all the time “the moment I sound like my mother, tell me!” and he knows exactly what I’m talking about.
I don’t remember my mother’s behavior being off until I was about 10 years old. One of the first things I recall my mother doing that I knew other moms probably didn’t do was scream, no… growl that she hated her child. My sister was being a pre-teen brat. Didn’t wanna do the dishes when she had a friend over. Mom lost her temper, got what we refer to as “crazy eyes” and unleashed this voice that’d make you shake. She pushed my sister away from the sink and said “God, I hate her!” and began doing the dishes herself. I looked at my sister who had the most devastated and embarrassed look in her eyes and felt her pain. That, unfortunately was just the start of the terrible, awful, unforgivable things she would go on to say to us.
“I should have had that abortion!” because my sister (19 at the time) wanted to move out.
“I’m not making dinner anymore. I have no family to cook for.” because her and my father separated (for 6 months) yet I was living with her and was only 16.
“Your child will be the devil spawn” because my husband had a patch for his motorcycle vest with a pentagram within the design. Note, my husband and I do not worship the devil.
“Your wedding isn’t a real wedding.” She never explained this one she just kept repeating that phrase.
She never hit us, though at times I feel she really wanted too. She always, always said “Do you want me to treat you the way my [step]mother did?” which was threat to be hit. Honestly, she did treat us the same way. Her stepmother said just as horrible things.
I know bipolar can be/is genetic but I think the behavior can be taught. Anyone else?
Nicole, I’ve been reading about narcissism recently and people in the related online communities often mention the concept of “fleas” in unhealthy family situations. You live with the weirdness of a loved one who misbehaves for long enough and it starts to look normal to you. You might even behave the same way… the behavior is contagious, and you’ve “caught” their fleas.
I love that concept. Someone might be prone to acting out or indulging bad behavior naturally, but when it’s a normal part of their living situation, how can they even tell when it would be appropriate to tamp down that behavior or seek treatment? I can easily see it being possible for someone with even a relatively minor case of BPD becoming an absolute nightmare as a parent once their idea of “normal” is skewed. Maybe it’s not even always about childhood trauma making someone’s preexisting bipolar tendencies worse or quicker to manifest, but simple prolonged exposure moving the goalposts so more of their behavior seems reasonable to them as they enter a decline.
It’s strange the things that become “normal.” I, for example, initially assumed that your mother invented her claim of being mistreated by her stepmother. Then I reread your comment and realized you likely know the stepmother and have seen this behavior firsthand! My own experiences with people with bipolar disorder apparently now have me assuming that any and all tales coming from their mouths about childhood mistreatment are creative fiction. That’s one hell of an assumption to make!
I agree that it’s really nice to read what others have experienced and remind myself that even though the things I see and am used to are not normal, they’re also not unique. Lots of us are facing the fears about whether we or our loved ones will start behaving that way in the future. Lots of us are making the same hard choices about how to deal with our bipolar relatives and even whether it’s okay to remove legitimately mentally ill people from our lives for the sake of ourselves and our families. I hope that these similarities continue to be a source of comfort to you!
Yes! The idea of fleas is 100% true. My mother has totally caught her stepmothers fleas. Therefore it has intensified a condition she was most likely, genetically prone to having (BPD) and magnified it ten fold.
I’ve read on a website about narcissistic mothers and what those behaviors are like. My mother, her stepmother and even her biological mother all possess some of those qualities. It was as if my mom absorbed all the negative qualities from her natural mother (whom abandoned her at the age of 2 and did not see her for many years). Then was taught those qualities from a woman who took on the role as her mom but was resentful towards her.
So yes, I do know her stepmother. While it’s very hard to imagine the childhood tales are true, and even I have assumed they were exaggerated, getting older and seeing behavior and hearing words coming from her stepmother with my own eyes and ears, I know that those tales are true. In turn, I see and hear my own mother in her.
They both have a sense of entitlement. The phrase “when I say jump, you ask me how high!” was something they both said. The awful things they say and have no realization those words are hurtful. Last year mom had told me during an argument with her stepmom she had said to her “I give you back to your real mom now” and my mom was livid. Said “how can she say such awful things?!” All the while I’m thinking “You’ve said something very similar, to me!”
Her biological mother, whom she’s had a relationship with since my mom was a teen (now 54) is the side of my mom that wants pity. I see that in both of them. Woe is me. My life sucks. Help me. Care about me. Love me. But when a moment is about you (for instance, my wedding) she is lost and distances herself on purpose. Waiting for you to go grab her hand, cheer her up and include her in a big, grand way. And when I didn’t cater to her needs, she’ll fester on it, let the anger simmer and 5 years down the road she’ll explode.
She is them!!
And I’m terrified of repeating this cycle.
Thank you for replying to my comment! I will be sharing your words with my sister whom I know will also love that flea concept!
I’m sick and tired of dealing with my bipolar mother. I can’t talk to people about it b/c they either don’t believe me or don’t understand. I don’t want to live in her dilusonal world anymore. She only happy when she’s making someone miserable or when she thinks bad things are happening to people. She tries her best to draw my back into her craziness every chance she gets. I cant play her games anymore or deal with her moods anymore i have to live my own life. I so scared that im going to screw up my daughters life the way my mother screwed me up.
I don’t know where to start. I just that I understand the absolute chaos that comes with having a emotionally and psychologically Deficient Mother. People make poor excuses for mistreating others. I don’t want to just sound off about my ill’s. I’d really loved to be a sounding board for those who are struggling with their parents. It’s so painful for the adult children. There’s so much guilt and shame. I want to help so Much. Maybe in all of that I can heal myself finally. Blessing to all.
I grew up with both parents having bipolar and now at 34 have been diagnosed with it myself I’m also a single mother of four . I used to blame my parents for everything and still have difficulties relating to and maintaining my relationship with my mum who can be scary ,manipulative and constantly exhausting to deal with. But I love her and I know she can’t help her illness anymore than I can and I seek out ways of dealing with our relationship with help from my psychologist like building boundaries etc. Also understanding how hard it is to deal with bipolar has helped me have empathy for her aswell . I try everyday to be a good mum to my kids and try to make sure they don’t suffer because of my illness. I would like to point out that not all people with bipolar are abusive or violent , and a big percentage of us are mainly plagued with cycles of depression .
This is for Theresa, I can relate to what you’re saying. I realize bipolar disorder isn’t something a person can just stop doing. With that being said, I feel it can be used as an excuse for bad behavior. Just like the concept of alcoholism being a disease. There are many who will disagree with me. Those people are entitled to their opinion.
This blog helps me stay calm when my guilt takes over. Thank you..
My mom got diagnosed with BP 8 months back… During the months beforw my marriage in December… So this is so much more screwed up for me…the memories I have ,dont stop playing in my head.. Like in many comments, my relatives are in denial too, they have accused me of being selfish, my mom has had manic episodes of physical abuse with me and my dad during those days which i cant forget. She got a lil well with meds that dad n me forced her to take. Bt now she is off medication. I am married so now the abuse is less with me ,bt she takes it out on my dad. He tells me and i feel bad. I call her very less and meet her for very less time even though she stays 5 mins away.
My question is,how do i stop feeling this pathetic guilt… I am a very emotional person and its taking a toll on me. I am 26. I am planning to start therapy myself. I am afraid I ll too get bipolar disorder someday. I also feel bad for my dad so much, and along with the guilt of distancing myself with my mom,i feel so lost and depressed. Please tell me what do I do? Also,i have cut all ties with my relatives after my marriage. I hope someone replies!
Hello 🙂
I’m not sure the feeling of guilt will truly go away completely, at least for me it’s still there, just not as intense as it once was. I felt more guilty about leaving my dad alone in this mess then I did about distancing myself from my mom. Is that where your guilt is too?
I’ve told myself repeatedly, until she decides to get real help and is making progress on changing her behavior, I can not be around her. That is my choice and my right. I am no longer a child. I have the option to not be around it.
As for my dad, he technically has that right too. He can choose to leave but he won’t. He enables her. He lets her get away with too much. That is HIS choice. He is also an adult and that’s his right. I can’t feel badly for what HE chooses to do.
As for what do you do? I made a choice. For myself and my young son. She is not a healthy part to our life and we can not be around it.
I hope that gives you some light.
Take care and good luck!
This site made me sad. I am 31, bipolar, and a single mother. My bipolar disorder already cost me a marriage, and the most important thing to me is that I don’t allow it to hurt my child emotionally. Is there anyone who has a good relationship with their bipolar parent? When I read these stories, I am appalled at what some parents put their children through, and I am sorry for all of you that went through those things.
My daughter is 7. I love her more than anything. I was diagnosed 3 years ago and have done everything I can to control my moods, and I think that I am a good mother, but I have to work hard at it every day.
Recently I had a co-worker tell me that my daughter deserves better than a parent with a mental disorder, and that I should have my ex-husband take custody and that I should just visit her every other weekend because I am too “sick” to take care of her.
I know that I am much more in control than the mothers I have read about here. I rarely yell at my daughter- and if I do lose my temper while I am going through a manic episode, I make sure to sit down with her, apologize, tell her that I was wrong to yell at her, and that she did absolutely nothing wrong. I have decided that she is getting old enough (she’ll be 8 in 3 weeks) that I may have to start explaining bipolar disorder to her.
I see so much hurt here in so many of you and I want to make sure not to cause the same pain to my daughter. Is there anyone who can give me advice to keep this disease from hurting my daughter? How to explain it to her and help her understand that I love her more than anything and that she has done nothing wrong? I don’t want her to feel like she has to worry about me or take care of me, either.
Basically, what I am asking is, is there anyone who can give me advice- or even just what you wish your parent had done, or how they could have helped you- so that my daughter doesn’t feel like she has to worry about or parent her mother? What things could have helped you growing up?
What I’ve experienced, and the majority of others here, just doesn’t seem to apply to you.
My mother:
Never admitted she has bipolar, it was always someone else’s fault
Never sought treatment, and stopped it as soon as she was able after she was forced
Never apologized without a ‘but’ in it.
I don’t know how much different it would have been if my Mother would have done those things, but I assume it would be major. So far, it sounds like you’re on the right track. Make sure your shrink & support network knows of your concerns. They should be able to alert you to potential problems. 8 is definitely old enough to start discussing that with your daughter. Your shrink may even have her in & help answer questions that she may not ask you.
I don’t expect that you will hear many ‘success’ stories of people raised by caring bipolar mothers who recognized and dealt with their illness. It doesn’t mean that they don’t exist, just that they have better things to do than look for sites like this.
I wonder how a co-worker feels they know you well enough to determine whether you are fit to be a parent just because you have a mental illness? With the stats of 1 in 5 adults suffering from one, there are a lot of people out there who shouldn’t be parents according to your co-worker!
I think you are miles ahead of the mothers on here who are in denial and who can’t empathize with their children or see the hurtful things they do. If you keep doing what you are doing, you may end up with a better adjusted child than some people who have “normal” parents. It’s important to acknowledge when you’ve been hurtful and to truly apologize.
And I think the hardest thing for someone like yourself who recognizes the illness and is trying to lessen its impact on others is determining when your behavior is because of the illness, and when it’s just because you are having the same normal frustrations that all parents have. We all lose it sometimes, so learn to forgive yourself for that. It’s being able to say “I’m sorry” with no “buts” and the ability to try again that counts. Good luck!
Thank you both for your response. It gave me hope and motivation to keep fighting this disease, for both my daughter and myself. I am very sorry for all of you that did not get to enjoy your childhood because of a bipolar parent. I’ve noticed that a lot of bipolar individuals seem to have had hard childhoods as well. I would think that would help them to understand what their children went through. My mom’s 2nd husband was abusive, and I know that is part of why I work so hard to keep from allowing my child to be hurt by this disease.
The reason I happened upon this site is because of the things my coworker (my supervisor, actually) said to me on the last day of school (I work with special needs high schoolers). I was completely shocked because I have never had anyone call me a bad parent. My ex-in-laws have told me on many occasions- today included because I went over to their house to talk to them about this situation, that they are very proud of the job I’ve done with her. So when she told me that my daughter deserved a better parent than me and that I should let her go live with her dad, I was extremely hurt.
On top of all this, she had over-heard me telling my friend that I had noticed that I had been spending too much money lately, and I had been wanting to do coke a lot (I’ve been clean for 12 years), so I was worried that things would get worse and I was nervous because I had asked my mom to call me when she got off work- her husband is a psychologist. Not mine, but he is someone I trust to give me advice/help if I can’t get in to see mine right away. I wanted to ask them what they thought I should do to keep myself from getting hooked on drugs again and to stop my mood from escalating into full-blown mania. Now that my mom left her 2nd husband and is remarried to this amazing guy, I know that I do have help and support when I need it, but it is still very difficult for me to ask.
After over-hearing this, she pulled me aside and began pressuring me to go check myself into a hospital right away because she thought it would be the best thing for my daughter. I told her that I was going to talk to my parents and if we felt it was necessary for me to admit myself, I would do that on Monday when my daughter went to visit her dad for a few weeks. This way she wouldn’t have to know unless I had to stay longer than the time she’s supposed to stay with her dad. My coworker told me that I had to do what was best for my daughter and that she would understand when she got older. When I told her that I didn’t think I was at that point yet, and that right now I just want to make sure I keep myself from getting to that point, she threatened to call my ex-husband at work and insist that he come up here and take me to the hospital and then take my daughter home with him. Finally, I gave in and got ahold of my mom who said she would pick my daughter up from school so a coworker could take me to the hospital (because at this point I was crying and did feel like a mess, plus I didn’t feel like I could say ‘no’ to my boss). She took the phone away from me when my mom started asking me if I just wanted to come spend the weekend with them first so that her husband could help me figure out if that was the best thing to do, and she told my mom, “No, Linzi needs to go to the hospital. Will you be able to pick (my daughter) up from school?”
At the hospital, after I had calmed down, I started to worry about how it would make my daughter feel. I was supposed to pick her up from school and we were going to go get ice cream to celebrate the last day of school. She loves my parents, so I knew she’d be happy to see them, but what was my mom going to tell her about where I was, and would she understand or would she feel abandoned and worried? I decided that I wanted to wait until I talked to my step-dad and ask him if he felt it was necessary for me to be hospitalized. I talked to the nurse who was going to do my assessment and explained that I wasn’t sure I needed to be there, but that I would talk to my step-dad and if he felt that it was a good idea I would come back for an assessment and would admit myself if it was the best thing to do. But I told her that it was important to me that I got to talk to my daughter first to make this easier for her (I’ve never been hospitalized before, and the longest I have ever gone without seeing my daughter is 4 days when I went to a wedding in Jamaica- I didn’t want her to feel abandoned, scared, or worried about me). The nurse asked if I was having any suicidal thoughts or if I felt angry and I told her that I felt over-whelmed but not alarmingly so. She told me that I seemed ok to go home, as long as I felt I was ok. My shrink’s office is in the same building so they had my file and there was nothing in it to indicate any reason to recommend that I stay. I had her schedule an appointment with my shrink for Monday and went home. When my boss found out that I didn’t check myself in, she called child protective services and told them that she thought my daughter was in danger because I refused treatment for a mental disorder. CPS then called my mom, who promised to take my daughter home with them for the weekend. My daughter must have over-heard some of this because she kept telling me that she didn’t want to go to my parents’ house but wanted to stay with me. I had to carry her to their car. She was in hysterics, clinging to me, and bawling because she was scared I wasn’t going to come get her on Sunday.
Before finding this page, I was very angry at my boss for calling CPS because it really upset my daughter. I felt confused, because my friend that I had talked to about my worries earlier was the one who took me to the hospital, and on the ride home, she asked me what had happened when she was on break. Before she went on break, I had been ok- a little stressed and worried (we don’t get paid during the summer, and I had been spending money I didn’t have. I was dreading admitting that to my mom because it embarrasses me and makes me feel ashamed of myself when I lose control. I’m 31, I’m supposed to be responsible for my own finances) I also felt hurt and betrayed because I could not figure out what I had done that made my boss so sure I was a terrible parent and to call CPS about my daughter. We have always gotten along really well, and she has never expressed concern about my moods or ability to parent before. It seemed so drastic and I felt discriminated against because I have bipolar disorder. If I did not have a mental illness, my stressed state would have seemed normal for a single mom, because I hear that even single moms who are not bipolar get stressed out now and then.
Now, after reading many of these stories, I realize that her reaction was probably due to an experience she’s had in the past with someone with bipolar disorder and not actually about me personally. I did not realize that emotional abuse and neglect were so common for children of bipolar parents. I also wasn’t aware that so many people denied their problem and refused to do anything about it. I HATE not being normal, I can’t understand why people wouldn’t want to do what they can to stop feeling like this. (I didn’t research much when I was diagnosed, just some of the symptoms and different treatment options- I just did what the doctor told me to do) I’m glad I know that now because I can understand better why she insisted that I go to the hospital immediately and why she called CPS when I didn’t stay. If she knows a bipolar person who refused treatment and lied about needing it, or didn’t believe they did, she may have seen this as the same thing.
As for this current mood episode, I am working with my shrink and a therapist to come up with a way to discuss things with my daughter in a way that will not cause her to worry and think she has to take care of me, and to also come up with a plan for any future moods that may come up. It will include giving my daughter a list of signs that things are not right, so she can call my parents for help. They will then approach me about my behaviors/mood, so that I get help right away. Because of what you guys said, I feel very hopeful that I can still be a good parent to my daughter. My parents took my credit card. They are not going to just give me money because I call and say I need it. I have to say exactly what it’s for and tell them where my other money went. They aren’t going to bail me out when I get myself in financial problems anymore.
To other bipolar posters on here who do not understand/feel offended/etc. by the posts, I want to say this:
You are right, it hurts a lot to have bipolar disorder. No, people who do not have it cannot truly understand how it affects us or how hard it is. But, do you know how it feels to be a child and to watch a parent go through this disorder? Do you understand the confusion, fear, abandonment, blame, and inadequacy some of these people felt as a child? Can you say, truthfully, that you KNOW you would not feel the same way?
I know how guilty and ashamed I feel by my manic actions after the mood leaves. I know how it feels to feel as though you are watching and hearing someone else do and say the things that are coming from your own body when you are in a height of a manic state. I have experienced the lack of sleep, the foggy/fuzzy feeling when it seems like you’re dreaming, the depression so bad that you feel paralyzed. Many people may not believe that we truly cannot control our thoughts or impulsive actions, but we truly can’t- at least not without any kind of treatment or help.
I know exactly what it feels like to lose control, which is why I work so hard to keep that from happening. I may not always be able to control my thoughts and actions, but I do everything in my power to have as much control as I can. I take medications. I check in with my psychiatrist often, even when the medications are working exactly as they should, to keep it that way. I took myself to alcohol treatment before anyone else noticed I was developing a problem because I didn’t want my daughter to have an alcoholic parent. I don’t date because I know that people with bipolar disorder have a hard time making relationships work and I don’t want my daughter to have a parade of guys coming and going in her life. I don’t want her to get attached to someone, only to be hurt if I mess it up. I stay home when my daughter goes to her dad’s. It helps me focus my energy on taking some control over my thoughts and actions. I try my best to explain to my daughter that it is not her fault and that she did nothing wrong on the occasions that I am unable to control my impulses. I tell her that I was wrong and that I am sorry. I can’t promise that it won’t happen again, but I promise to try very hard not to yell. I try to convince her not to worry about me or money or other adult things because that is my job, not hers. And if I need help worrying about it, I’ll call another grown up.
I am not saying I am an amazing parent. I make a lot of mistakes, but I do my best to fix them. I have many flaws, I am just being the best parent I can.
I am not saying I am stronger than any of you, I’m not. What I am trying to say is that there are things you CAN do to make this easier on you and your family/friends. Things you can try to gain some control.
Since I started medication and therapy, I have felt so much better. It is nice to have fewer episodes, and when I do have them they’re not quite so severe. It has also helped with my own self-image. I have just started learning how to love myself and because of that, I don’t need to seek love or get attention from other people.
No, it doesn’t always fix things 100%, but still, any kind of relief is still relief! In the past year, I have finally found a peace in myself that I never knew was possible. Not counting the last week-10 days, I have been genuinely happy. Not the frenzied manic happy, that seems so amazing until it isn’t anymore, but actually calm and content. And I’m sure I can get there again.
If you really try, life with bipolar disorder can be so much better. No one chooses to have this disorder, but we do have a choice in how we handle it. How can you claim that you can’t help it- that it’s not your fault-that you’re not responsible for your actions if you don’t try to get help? Being bipolar is not your fault, but choosing to do nothing about it is. You are responsible for TRYING to get better. If you try as hard as you can, than I would guess your family would be more supportive and understanding. But if you are not willing to get diagnosed, to seek treatment, and to do whatever you can to manage this, it is not fair to expect your loved ones to allow you to continue to hurt them.
Many of these posters were not taken care of as children. They had no control over that. Now that they are adults, they can make sure that they, and their children, are taken care of. They have every right to what they need to, to protect themselves and their families. How can you ask your children to sacrifice and be understanding for you if you are not willing to even try to help yourself and make it easier for them?
Sometimes leaving is the only option. After less than a year and a half of marriage, my husband left me for someone else. I used to be angry about this, but since I have started treatment, I have been able to remember more clearly what our marriage was like, and to also realize how awful it must have been for him. I am no longer angry, but thankful that he tried for as long as he did, and also that he left before I had done enough damage to make him hate me. Because of this we are able to co-parent in a positive way. We have not had a fight since 2008, shortly after our divorce was finalized. My daughter was only 1, so she does not have any memories of us fighting. If he had stayed, she would have thought that’s what love is supposed to look like. Instead, he has found a woman who loves my daughter like her own, who is kind to me, and who makes them both happy. They also have a son, so he was able to give my daughter the family I want her to have- at least when she is with him.
When his parents told him about what happened, he contacted me and told me that he would do whatever he can to prove to CPS that my daughter should be with me.
If he had stayed and continued to allow me to emotionally terrorize and abuse him, this friendly co-parenting would not be possible. Sometimes, as much as you don’t want to, you have to walk away from a person. He needed to walk away from me. I’m glad he did, and during our divorce was the first time that I went to therapy sessions to work on my anger issues. That was the start of my treatment, even though it still took another 5 years to be diagnosed and to get medication. Him leaving was the best thing he could have done for himself, our daughter, and me.
To everyone here who has a painful past because of a bipolar parent, thank you for sharing your stories. They gave me even more motivation to get well and stay well for my daughter.
I apologize for rambling, it is a trait I have even when I am not in a mood episode. I realize that my own story is not exactly what this page is for, but I am glad I had a chance to share it anyway, because this page helped me to understand that my boss was most likely trying to protect my daughter from having the painful experiences you all did.
Learning my mother has bipolar disorder was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Not because I was excited she was mentally, but because I knew there was a reason for the way she treated me. I’m my mom’s favorite punching bag, I am her favorite way to rid herself of her anxieties and depression. When she is depressed, she spills her problems onto me. When she is angry, she verbally destroys me. Growing up I could not understand why this was happening. I would do nothing wrong, yet my mother would scream and curse and tell me how horrible I was. She made me feel so worthless and insecure I believe that I will never fully recover.
Absorbing all of her problems make it hard to have my own. I want to tell her everything because she is MY parent, but I feel guilty putting more problems onto her. I still find myself telling her too much and then hating her for not wanting to help me. She has asked me to never tell her any of my problems because I ask too much of her. If I can’t talk to my own mother, who do I have?
When I was 17 I was raped and I refused to tell her. I kept the issue to myself for a year and a half until I finally had a mental break down. When I told her, she looked at me with rage that I would burden her with this. She did not hug me while I cried, she did not pity me, she only felt for herself.
Anytime I am upset or have an issue, I know that she does not take me seriously. She is too self-absorbed and not self-aware. Her depression depresses me and her anger terrifies me. Living with her you never know what to expect because she can be so sweet for months, and then randomly becomes a BEAST. My biggest fear is that I will inherit her disorder or pass that on to one of my children. Because of her I do not believe I will ever have a child. I would not wish this disorder on anyone and I feel sorry for those who have it. I also feel sorry for myself and this disgusts me.
I’m a 37 year old adult with a bi polar parent and recently became a father and since I’ve moved back home with my mom who is the bipolar one and my grandparents, one has dementia and the other is 92 years old with hearing loss, I have been called a f****** idiot the all high and mighty and been told that I’m going to pass along my recreational drinking to my son. At any point in time I get in an argument with my mother she always brings up my son and the fact that I like to drink. She is the only one in my life that has ever pointed out my drinking as a problem and I feel she uses that as a way to win arguments. I am on the verge of cutting her out of my life completely and I’ve done it before for about 6 months and in those six months I was the most stress free and happy I’ve been in a long time. It hurts to say it, it hurts to think it but I cannot be in a relationship with a person like that if they continue to go around saying and doing things without an apology I’ve tried to understand her mental disorder and I understand that people who also have it DO have the ability to apologize and talk through their problems. I also understand that people with more severe mental disorders have been able to accomplish a lot more than she’s accomplished. The fact that I’ve been raised by someone with this disorder has made me learn a lot about myself and my anger issues but like I said before I am at the point of cutting her out of my life completely so that I can be at peace and hopefully be a better parent to my son than my mom and my father were to me. If anybody on this blog has any advise as to how I can better deal with her please let me know. I should also say that my grandparents are getting older and they are the best enablers I have ever seen in my life they let her say and do things and then just go to the room and close the door. In the 15 years that my mom has lived here she has assaulted both of my grandparents, one time I witnessed it for myself but yet she has told me she has been threatened with violence by my grandfather. I do not know who to believe due to the fact that my grandfather has dementia and Alzheimer’s. I do not know what to do so I keep to myself and keep conversation to a minimum. As much as I would like to share pictures and events of my son with my mother I fear that eventually she will say or do something to my son and I cannot allow that please help
I went to Google to search for “how to be a better mother with bipolar” and I found this site. I’m 26, with 2 daughters. I was diagnosed with bipolar 10 months ago and it’s hard to accept. I thought coming to this site would let me understand my side and my daughters side of this disease. I’ve never read such saddening hateful words towards a mother from her children. Well not to your mother but here. This isn’t what I wanted to hear or read. It is very hard to understand a disease that you do not personally experience. But then again, it’s hard for me to understand and I’m the one with the disease. I believe some of you need to do more research to understand more. I pray everyday that I can be better for my children and my self. Even being on 100 mg of Welbutrin and 40mg of Celexa I still lose control. Not only is it heartbreaking to see the looks in my childrens eyes but I will forever fell guilty for even the tiniest of mistakes I made to and around my children. It’s even more heartbreaking to think that maybe this is how my family feels about me. It makes me want to give up. I hope none of your mothers read this. If suicide was an option before could you imagine the thoughts they would have knowing their child despises them because of they can’t control themselves 100% of the time. let me say it again WE CAN’T CONTROL OURSELVES 100% OF THE TIME. It’s even crazy for me to hear that come out of my mouth. I can’t control myself? Why not? I don’t know. The human mind and body will never be understood the way it really it is. But telling someone they can not blame their childhood or life experiences on how they are now or how they feel is ridiculous. And after writing that, it makes every one of you a hypocrite to say ‘she can’t blame her childhood’ and turn around and say “this is what she did to me when I was a child”. You are who you are because of how you grew up and the experiences you had. We all think differently, feel differently, understand differently and respond differently. Who are you to say that my childhood or anyone elses isn’t an influence on our thought process now? No it may not be an excuse but it doesn’t mean it didn’t have an effect on us. Your mothers that you have “cut off” and put in a home, no wonder they crave drama and attention. Their children left them, their blood- left them. It’s Sad regardless of any situation. I hate that I’m on this side of the fence but I’m trying and learning to deal with this new life. I already have regrets and people to remind me of them. I don’t need reminding. Every night when I take my medicine I am reminded that I have no control over my thoughts and emotions and that is why I have to take something to help me control myself. I don’t feel sorry for myself but I feel sorry for you all.. and your mothers. What a nightmare it is to live in either of your shoes. Mental disorders are not taken as serious as it should be. Wish you all peace and more love to each other.
I grew up with a bipolar mother, and after years of emotional abuse I went away to university and then moved in with my Grandma to save money and commute. My main coping strategy in dealing with my mother has been to ignore her. She has this cycle where she draws you in and pretends to be supportive and okay, and then completely shred you apart. I reached the point where I accepted that the best thing for me was to just cut her out of my life. My Grandma (moms adopted mom) has always been a source of comfort and support for me growing up. Her house was always my safe haven on the weekends as a child. My
Grandma takes full fiscal responsibility for my mother and has a relationship with her. Even though my mom emotionally abuses my grandma my grandma steal puts up with it because she’s her daughter. I’ve known for awhile my mom has been calling my grandma to cry to her about how I’m just a bad daughter for neglecting and abandoning her. It’s hurt me because I love my grandma more then anything and since my grandpa’s passed I know she has been struggling. I’ve told my grandma that I’ve been working on forgiveness, but I couldn’t bring myself to invite my mom to some important college events as I near my graduation. I felt like these moments were about me, and I only wanted people there who had helped me or supported me in my academic pursuits.
My Grandma approached me yesterday morning and accused me of being an unforgiving daughter who needs to get to invite my mom to events and include her in my life. She told me it was wrong to be closer to my boyfriends mom then my own, (a boyfriend of three years who I will be engaged to shortly) and so on. It destroyed me. Here I am safe from my mother’s reach, and years of complaining to my grandma have caused a rift between me and someone who I care about so much. My entire family thinks I’m in the wrong and that a good daughter has a relationship with her mom. Im honestly so emotionally destroyed by this. I never once approached my mom in a negative way, or harassed her. All I did was make the decision to cut the toxic relationship from my life. Now I’m stuck in this place where I either bring her back in or possibly injure my relationship with my grandma. Not to mention that I may be asked to leave my grandmas home. After 5 and a half years of full time schooling at university, I’m literally four months away from graduation. I do NOT want the abusive relationship of my mother back in my life. But I also don’t want to be unsupported and possibly homeless four months before I graduate. Honestly, I think all I’m looking for is some feedback. Some support. Someone to say, ‘Hey, I have a parent with bipolar. It’s okay to not associate with them. It’s okay to do what’s right for you.’ I guess I just want someone to let me know that I’m not the wrong one here.
I raised my sister while my mom was cycling super hard (depressed and manic multiple times a day), and bringing not the greatest guys into our home. I’m not ready to forgive her for the emotional abuse. She hasn’t changed either. I don’t want to be a punching bag for her bipolar. If anyone out there has made it through something like this I would love to hear about what you have to say.
Please excuse any typos I may have made. I’m writing this on my smart phone in the middle of the night after a very draining weekend. I didn’t want to go back through and spell/grammar check.
Don’t listen to your family. Seriously, I bet they’ve got some abusive expectations/behaviors themselves.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting to have your own life and have intimate relationships with people other than your family. Actually, that’s the healthiest thing you can do for yourself. My mother is bipolar and I endured years and years of emotional abuse at her hands and at the hands of my extended family. Guilt is a big thing in the games bipolar people like to play. It’s also perfectly fine to cut out the toxic people from your life. I did it about 5 years ago to protect my kids from these sick people. Best decision I ever made!
I am the 13 year old daughter of a bipolar woman.My mom is 46,she is divorced from my Dad.They got divorced when I was 2.My dad and I found out my mom had Bipolar Disorder about 6 months ago when tey both got in a fight.I am beginning to realize that my mom’s illness is beginning to affect me too.My mother is always criticizing me,fighting with me and thinks Im her slave.I am out of my house as i write this because she kicked me out.I am beginning to get tired of all of this and I was depressed for about a month because of her.My 13 years of life have been very hard and I feel somewhat very attached to my Dad and my Stepmom.Whenever I get in a fight with mom I pick up my phone and call them.I have also seen this affects my social life.I am not bipolar,but sometimes I get very moody at school after a fight.My mom also knows which scabs to pick when she’s fighting so she gets me really mad and I cant control myself and I shoot back with witty comeback.My dad always tells me to mute her out but the things she says just make me so mad.Please email me at ionadiver@me.com because I need help on this, or DM me at @iona4nier please and thanks
Hi Iona,
Your Dad is right when he says to learn to tune her out when she is saying things that are simply designed to pick a fight or make you feel bad. If you are in doubt, share what she says with someone you trust (like maybe your Dad), and have them tell you whether what she has said is relevant.
I’m hoping namegoeshere will remove your contact info from your post, however. Unfortunately there are people out there who will see your age and know that you need a friend, and will try to be your friend when they are actually someone you should run away from. Please don’t respond to anyone who emails you. Anyone with advice for you can simply respond to your comment here.
Good luck!
I’ve just read some of the entries of your blog and some of them are so real its unnerving. My mother has had bipolar for as long as I’ve known. Its kinda refreshing/ relieving to know that there are other folk out there who have been in a similar situation as I, as sometimes I had felt so lonely and frustrated as a child.
I look forward to reading any future posts.
Thank you
Ali
I read a few of the posts and it brings up too many painful emotions as the abandoned parent who imagines what my child might feel.
I never hear this discussed, and I would like to, in hopes that there may be some understanding. Bipolar normally doesn’t develop until the teens or 20’s. That means until then a person assumes they are normal. They assume they will probably marry, have a family, have a career, have friendships etc.. When depression or mania or even psychosis develops it is hoped that is a one time thing. The rest of life can go on trying to find a correct diagnosis, medication (or changing medications) and lifestyle to deal with the mood disorder. It’s not a black and white illness and unfortunately not one where we have the foreknowledge that usually allows us to choose whether we would pass on the genetics for Bipolar or pass on parenting for the sake of the children. I don’t know any person with this disorder who doesn’t hate it, hate how it impacts our behavior and relationships and isn’t lonely due to keeping the illness a secret, or being rejected for disclosing it.
It is an affliction that impacts our love ones and us and for that we all deserve understanding and compassion.
After spending the past 24 years of my life supporting and taking care of mother, helping my brother through his drug addictions, and doing everything in my power to be the best me I can be, I have finally cut my mother out of my life. At least for now. Not only am I the first person to go to college in my family, but I managed to put myself through law school and graduate with amazing grades and being accepted as a student assistant district attorney during my final year. How did my mother celebrate this accomplishment? By not showing up to my graduation.
I always showed up for her. Whether she needed a ride, or she was hospitalized, or she needed money… I always showed up. But yet, the one thing I have been working towards my whole life, she didn’t show up to. I have never been so heartbroken and devastated in my entire life. I thought the prior 24 years of abuse and neglect was bad…. but nothing will ever compare, for me, to this moment with her. I’m not strong enough, nor should I be, to deal with this tornado she calls life.
Today my mother is freaking out on me again. She has manic bipolar disorder however her therapist tells her she is normal because she can’t face reality, (he told me this), I’m her youngest of three daughters and for some reason I get the big blame. Sometimes I feel like I’m the parent and she’s the spoiled kid who only cares about herself.
Hi my name is Paige. Me and my mum both suffer from problems she has bipolar and I have anxiety. She’s 36 and I’m only 16 when my mum is having a high day she put’s all her energy into cleaning and she doesn’t do ordinary cleaning like for instance today she moved the fridge and that’s new to me and I can’t deal with that because I don’t like change so we just keep out of each others way sometimes but when she on a low she just sits in her bedroom were I do that every single day when we are both in our bedrooms we know that our problems are taking over us and that’s when I wanna help her because we have all been through other stuff and I’m the youngest of three my dad helps sometimes but he doesn’t live with us anymore my mum has a boyfriend but he lives 3 hours away and works a lot and my sister does everything she has 2 jobs she helps mum with the rent as she is 20 and she pays for the food sometimes and my brother he’s 18 he helps sometimes but not a lot. I really wanna help my mum but I don’t know how she has therapy and medication but is there other things I can help with.
Hello everyone. I am an adult child of a bipolar mother. She was actually only diagnosed as depressed, but looking back on her mood swings and impulsive actions some days and then sleeping for days, I realize she was misdiagnosed. My mother would shower us with gifts and love one day and the next she would be physically and verbally abusive. She threatened my life many times, threw large objects across the room (sewing machine, vacuum cleaner, bags of groceries), called me names, accused me of wrong-doings despite my being a good child. Once she woke my sisters and I up in the middle of the night because she couldn’t find her hairbrush. She spanked all 3 of us until we confessed to having it. It was in her purse the whole time. She went through a very religious phase where she’d watch TBN and cry and then took away all of our toys. The stories go on and on. I suffer from anxiety and depression but have treated it. I hope that my stories help to show others that they’re not alone. And if you suspect that you or your spouse has this crippling disorder, please get help. Your children shouldn’t have to suffer.
My bipolar mother abused both mentally and physically, my two brothers, sister and myself. My mother had her four children, myself being the youngest, at the ages of 15,17,19 and 20. I know it was and would be hard for anyone to raise 4 children at the age 20, which is part of the reason, along with a bout of depression, why she lost custody of us to the state. Within a 18months she regained custody. She reminded us of this our whole childhood by telling us “she should of left us when she had the chance” “no man would want her with kids like us” followed by numerous occasions in which she would pack a bag and say she wasn’t coming back, as she left the door. That’s how she lost custody to the state, she left us with a babysitter and didn’t return until we were in the care of DFS. The fear of being abandoned was devastating the first few time but eventually I was happy to see her go and at times wish she wouldn’t return. The lack of money for food, clothes, activities, everyday household items etc wasn’t fun for any of us but we understood why but as far as the abuse we had no understanding of and we still to the day don’t understand why. My mother divorced her 3rd alcoholic husband by the time I was 6. I thought things would get better, boy I was wrong, the abuse only became worse. It was a daily routine for my mother to come home and immediately look for a reason to beat on us. She would line us up and beat us with a belt, one by one. The hardest part of the beatings was watching my siblings get beat as they cried and begged for my mother to stop as they danced across the room in pain. When she was satisfied with whatever it was she was trying to accomplish, she would send us to bed. Hearing us all cry ourselves to sleep was just another kind of pain that tore at my soul. This physical abuse accompanied with her verbal abuse went on for years. I’ve experienced night terrors as child from a very early age but when I was 5-6 I started having a reoccurring nightmare about my mother being a witch, I can vividly recall the nightmare til this day. By time I was in the first grade I knew I was different from the other children at school. I was labeled as having a learning disability and ended up in therapy once a week at the children’s hospital and also I took speech therapy for two years to correct my “baby talk”. Come to find out my L.D. and speech was a direct cause of my environment at home. When you’re a child you know nothing about mental illness but eventually you start to realize things aren’t normal and eventually you realize mom’s not normal. Their are way too many things my mom did to us to list but a few of the things she would do are :take my 12yo sister to the Dr for a pregnancy test (my sister hadn’t a clue about sex) :my mother would take my sister to the room, strip her down and tell my sister how fat she is :she would allow me to stay the night with a friend, then call the parents to tell them I ran away :if a girl called the house for me, she would listen in and then start calling them whores, dogs in heat etc :I would come home from school to my room destroyed because she was looking for a gun that apparently was stolen from a neighbors house that was burglarized. She thought I did it. :she thought someone was on the roof looking through the skylights at her :she told people I was in a gang and ran a “bike operation” (at 14yo) :my junior year of hs i found out she had a meeting with all my teachers telling them i was in a gang and that i beat her. I left home the summer between 8th&9th grade and haven’t seen my mom or talked to my mom in nearly 2yrs.
We were all four good kids and never would think of raising a hand to her. We went to church twice a week. We weren’t allowed out if the house but for church and school so our chances of getting in trouble were very limited.
. To add insult to the abuse, my mother went to community college for nursing and became a RN, at a children’s hospital!?!? She also played the piano at church on Sundays. So people thought everything my mom would say about us was true and that we were just bad kids. I believe these are the reasons why people turned their heads to what was really going on at our home.
I’m 36 now with 3 children of my own that I love more than anything in this world, I couldn’t imagine hurting them the way my mom hurt us. She robbed our childhood and left a scar that stays through adulthood. My mom knows right and wrong. What she did was wrong. I can’t help but be insulted when I hear her and others like her blame it on bipolar disease. Why do they get a free pass for ruining lives. If this is how bipolar people act and treat people then maybe they need to be the ones imprisoned so they don’t continue to mentally/emotionally imprison those close to them. Then maybe we can blame it on bipolar.
Im always sorry for any child of this parent. That’s my mother: the “paranoid” type rages and searches, that weird fake public persona, violent rages, constant screaming at us kids, lining us up so she could beat us (minimum every other day*) to satisfaction though i can never remember for what, we were good kids (respectful, no trouble, good grades), never allowed to display any of our own thoughts, feelings, opinions etc., if she didn’t like it we weren’t allowed to like it either, thus she dressed me like a toddler until I was 10, well, that’s when we did got clothes. Mostly our clothes and shoes never fit. Never. But if she liked it then it was ok. She was never a comfort or protector. She was scary and mean. Dad** did not make a lot of money however she always makeup, hair, nails, shoes, etc., My older sister got it the worst. She actively tormented my sister. Just one of many examples: She went to my sisters school to have the principal search her locker for drugs, of course none were found since, like you, we were only allowed school and church. It was so absurd. Even the principal knew better. Or when my sister got a part time job after school which was a huge deal/ongoing fight but I think she allowed it because she learned she could take my sisters money. You know, so my sister could buy drugs. She would wake us up at night, put us in the car, so she go stalk our dad. He’d be at work or at a friend of the family. I knew at an early age she just didn’t really like/love/care about us. It’s embarrassing and I always feel put on the spot when people ask me about my mother, especially if they’ve ever encountered her fakeness. I never know what to say. But I usually think to myself “You’ve heard of the 8 or the 9 year old that killed their parent-I can see why it happens”. But they’d probably gasp and faint in disbelief. I was never homicidal but I did aways want to be away from her. By age 5 or 6 I couldn’t wait to leave home. My mother somewhat cooked, cleaned, did laundry, yelled and beat us so I didn’t have a mother. At most I had a housekeeper. And my slightly younger brother she always favored for some reason. We’re a year apart. If we both violated some impromptu rule I got the belt but he did not. Anyway, when I was 12 she ran off. It was the best thing that could’ve happened I think. Whatever was holding her together had finally had broke. She was never quite put together anyway. She reappeared a few years later. Nothing changed except that she was now an alcoholic. And cigarette smoker. Who starts smoking at 36, 37? She’s never even acknowledged a problem. Never received help. Never apologizedid.
*She could also completey ignore (no meals, laundry) us for 3, 4, 5 days at a time. Like a zombie with alzheimers.
**Dad. He worked a lot and stayed in the streets. He was a functioning alcoholic. To this day I don’t think he’s aware of the intensity or frequency of her “unpredictable discipline”.
I’m also an adult child with a bipolar mother. I’m in the 5th year of my PhD program…& my mother “lost” her job & is living with me now… It’s tough trying to support both of us on my small stipend. What’s even more upsetting is the fact that my mother doesn’t see what’s wrong with this…& doesn’t seem to want to help herself…& find employment. I’m just about at my limit…I’m exhausted…I’ve never had a period in my life in which I was truly happy & enjoyed life… I’m strongly considering cutting ties with my mom for my own well being & happiness.
I am a son of a bi polar mom,, living under the same roof which wont be for much longer. because she kicked in my door with my 3 young children there. I have anxiety I don’t make excuses and I seek help for it. She’s bi-polar and is so mean and seeks no help for it. She tells me to f*** off and is just so up and down.,, it’s crazy.. I cant make excuses for her.. either she gets help or she gets evicted from my home. I am sorry . I just cannot live like this no longer.. my mother has hurt me so much and I am a grown man.. so I need to do what I need to do for me and my family to be healthy and safe
*edited for profanity
I am a son of a Bi-polar Mother. She has been this way for as long as I can remember. I did not understand why she would show me affection one moment as a child and in a few hours, be as cold as ice and ignore me. She developed mechanisms of using her sorrow and guilt as a means to excuse herself from being a Mother. She used her anger as a tool to excuse her lazy behavior too. Many times, she would unleash on me and my siblings to create a huge argument when she did not want to do something Dad asked her to do. If she did not want to do something, she would create a reason by picking a fight with one of us. Dad would blame us for fighting with Mom and many times, we were punished for ruining their plans or for her not getting things done around the house.
I learned to insulate myself from my Mother. To be close or to trust her, meant she would betray me. She would blurt out my confidences I told her for all to hear using them as weapons to harm me. I felt foolish by trusting her with my feelings and love. I had a huge deficit all my life for older female affection and yearned for love from women. I do not blame my mother for my relationship failures but I do have severe trust issues. I feel that I cannot confide in a woman because she will mock me and hurt me for what I feel. I am very reluctant to be involved because I feel worn out/beaten down from my mother’s antics. I will confess that my Mother and Father did o.k. with tending to our needs even though we did not have much money. It was the head games and emotional abuse that created a very explosive and hostile environment. We had so many daily fights and Mom was always involved in the majority of them.
My friends were afraid to come over and I was embarrassed to have them come over because it was way more than the typical I am “too cool” to have dorky parents thing. My Mother would tie into them when they rarely called. Most of them gave up on me. I grew isolated and became a prisoner at our house. My friends were good people. Straight arrows who did not get into trouble but she would unleash on them for calling. One time, she went into a rage and wanted me to tell my friend to stop driving down “her road.” I have so many stories about her acting weird but I am not going to take up space here detailing them.
I dreaded hearing her foot stomping coming my way like a raging bull. I knew I had not done anything wrong because I was not allowed to go anywhere or do anything. I was later allowed to work in my teens which got me out of the house. I worked way too many hours but it got me away from her. She then focused on my Sister.
Mom went into nursing and like many nurses, think they know more than a team of Drs. The nursing degree made Mom an “expert” in everything. Everything except her health and mental well-being. Dare to mention that she needed help or go to the Dr., and be prepared for a rage Hiroshima explosion. She refused treatment because she was a smart nurse and knew what the meds would do to her. How ironic, be mean and full of rage. Pick fights with family. Drive everyone away from you. OR get right and get on a treatment plan and feel better.
I moved out of state for a while. It was nice to get away from her. She was so toxic to be around! When she called, it was always to tell me bad news or tell me how bad she felt. I was no longer around to listen to her troubles and have her dump on me anymore. I felt so free not having to be near her toxic life. I guess Dad finally figured it out as he asked how I would feel if they got a divorce. He blindly followed her and believed everything she had told him through out the years about us kids causing Mom so much grief. She had no one to unload on other than Dad. His eyes were finally opened. He still enables her to this day though always saying “she does not feel good”. I don’t want to know what private hell he lives in. Love really is blind, deaf and in many cases dumb too. They mirror each other and feed in each others sadness almost like a sorrow filled symbiotic relationship. Mom slumps into her depression and Dad tries to pick her up. They take turns feeding off from each other. She is an emotional vampire.
I have gotten to the point where I cannot talk to her more than 5 minutes or so. She has nothing good to say. She can only see darkness most of the time. The times she is manic, I am in no mood to nor can I rejoice in her false happiness. I am not fooled by the sun peeking through her dark clouds. There are no silver lined clouds with her and I learned this at a very early age. I have built a fortress around myself and she will never get me to feel anything for her again. I have an understanding for all the people who battle this illness. I pray for your healing. I am proud of the fighters who seek help and stay on top of it and keep this hulk into check. You only have one life. Do it for yourself and your family who is trying to be close to you.
Hello after reading your piece I feel like I can relate a lot to what you are saying. my mothers has bi-polar – as a child mum was in and out of hospital and I had to care for my two sisters. I am 33 now and have met a lovely guy and due to get married in 2017. I have backed away from my mother a lot over the past few years. I cannot take the drama any more – I could write a book about the number of times she has exagerated stories and told us she was dying – its all attention (I know that is harsh and she cant help it) but for my own sanity I have had to cut away. I am not strong enough to handle her. She makes me feel guilty to this day. She writes letters telling me how awful iam can how I dont care. I compare her to the boy who cried wolf – she has said she was ill and sick so many times and yet she is perfectly fine and ok. I am scared to think if anything really bad happened to her – first thing that pops into my mind – is she really sick or is this another attention seeeking tool? Bipolar is such an awful illness and I feeel terrible guilt feeling the way I do about my own mother. I do take some comfort in reading these articles and hearing from people who feel the same as I do
I am a Daughter of a Bipolar Mother, and I have gave up my own life as I know it to take stress off of her to try to keep her “healthy”. We have went through suicide attempts, crazy mania you name it and it’s pretty much happened. I am now 30 with a 6 year old and husband, but I just can’t seem to really be there for them because my Mother is so needy. It has caused me to have so much resentment that I don’t want to be around her. She lives with us because she has no one else and can not work due to this sickness. I’m helping her to try to get disability so she can live on her on again. I don’t know how much more I can take. I love her dearly, but she is going to be the death of me. Please pray for me!:(
Keep fighting for disability coverage and if they deny it, keep appealing!!! They almost always deny on the first application.
I am so sorry you’re enduring this!
Hello, I am 21 years old and the daughter of a bipolar woman who chooses to be unmedicated. My mother was bipolar since her youth- after suffering for years of being raped by her father. She had many children and they have almost all turned out with personality issues. I have avoidant personality disorder and severe trust issues. Although she already had bipolar disorder when I was born, I was not aware that she had this disorder until my high school years. She was physically abusive sometimes but it was really the verbal abuse that led to me withdrawing from society.
Ever since I was a kid, I was very afraid of her. I wanted to get as far away from her as possible. I felt like a bad person because I had no love for her- there was only fear and resentment. She draws her energy from causing problems and making people feel bad about themselves . I was always confused because sometimes she would act like a caring parent. It made me question if I was just imagining things or if I was too sensitive. There have been so many problems in this family. My mom’s irrational behaviour never ceased to shock me. I have this vivid memory of my mom trying to commit suicide. She got into a big argument with our stepfather which triggered one of her episodes. There was a mirror nearby that broke. She took a large shard of glass and dug deep the long way down. I must have been around 12 years old at the time.
Now that I’m an adult, I want to get her out of my mind forever. This is impossible because I still have a younger sibling that lives with her. She still seems normal now except for her really low self esteem. Still, sometimes she says things that make me think she might end like me. Regardless, I want to stop trying to make sense of my mother’s behaviour. We will never reach a solution; she will never stop hurting people. I’m sure I will never stop feeling guilty for not loving her.
As a new mother who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (type 1) 10 years ago I take offense to some of these comments. I realize there are many people with bipolar disorder who are not compliant with Meds or refuse to come to terms with their illness. I think these people are the reason bipolar can be so stigmatized and it makes me sad. However, there are many of us who do not fit into that mold. To say that no one with bipolar disorder should have children is frankly cruel. I treat my disorder the way a diabetic treats his illness. I’m completely compliant with Meds and will always be because I have a strong network of people who would suffer if I have an episode. Granted my bipolar disorder rears its ugly head even completely medicated but those episodes are rare caught very quickly and my Meds are re-adjusted. I deal with them and so does my family and I feel okay about it because of my compliance and because I’d do it for them. Would you tell a diabetic hey You should never have kids you might have to be in the hospital at some point or hey you have heart disease being a mother is selfish? I highly doubt it. So please before making a general statement try to remember that we are people too
I believe there is a good possibility my mom could be bipolar. The things she does sound a lot like what a lot of people are describing here. The problem is she is in denial of anything she does wrong & gets really angry if anyone suggests she’s bipolar. My family is at a total loss at what to do with her. She was horrible to my sister on her wedding day & really rude to her new family. She even tried to tear up my dad’s speech he was going to give. Now she won’t talk to my sister. I tried to talk to my mom about making things right with my sister but she says it’s all my sister’s doing & she has no clue what she did wrong. It’s like she has her own reality. My dad is really discouraged now because she’s spending all their money & he’s afraid of her leaving & selling the farm because she doesn’t give a crap about keeping everything my grandparents & great grandparents worked for in the family. We don’t know what to do. We’ve tried talking to her & we wear ourselves out to the point we can’t sleep & it doesn’t phase her she goes straight to bed after all the yelling, crying & drama & sleeps soundly. Could anyone give me advice on how to help her? Was there a certain point any of you with bipolar disorder had to come to terms with your behavior & realized you were tired of living that way? I pity her because she has no real healthy relationships with anyone. I hate to see what all this will come to if she doesn’t change.
I would love to hear other people’s coping methods.
My 75 year old mother has untreated bipolar disorder. She has completely ostracized herself from her friends and family. It is incredibly hard to watch and not try to fix. She can be such a generous, creative person, mother, grandmother when she is not experiencing mania. There are times where I feel like I have come to some sort of peace with it. But it has taken years. Other than my father, I am now the only member of my family that has regular contact with her. If it weren’t for him, I am not sure I would stick with attempts at maintaining a relationship. I would like my kids to know that side of her. But it is not an easy balance, because I am also determined to not have them experience the turmoil this illness can wreak on children.
When I am feeling like I have a better handle on things, these are the methods that help me and my husband get through interactions:
1. Reminding myself I will not be able to fix it. She may not be able to fix it on her own, but I can not be a daughter, mother of 2 of her grandchildren and her therapist. I need boundaries. I can only try to keep a connection and not play into the narrative she has created that she is abused or abandoned by everyone. I show up and host holiday gatherings. I realize I will not have that warm, fuzzy give and take mother/daughter relationship with her. But I still love her and try to do my best.
2. I try to have empathy, but do not get involved or sucked into mania or take it personally. I find it very helpful to think of her episodes much like a child having a temper tantrum thrashing and saying horrible things. If I picture my 6 year old acting in same way, I can better understand her state of uncontrol. When my 6 year old fumes that he is the only one in his class that doesn’t get to spend all day playing video games and I am a terrible mom, I don’t take that to heart. Bipolar parents are still parents and know how to push your buttons like you know how to push theirs. Just like with my 6 year old, I try to not engage or disagree during a rant. (this is hard) There is no conversation, communication or pacification that can be had during her episodes. She will rant about things I had done to hurt her when I was 4, how I am poisoning her friends (people I have never exchanged more than passing niceties with) or my kids against her. How can/should I argue with that?
3. Protect yourself (and your children, spouses, etc) from the episodes. My husband and I are prepared before every visit how to extricate ourselves. We only make short visits. We don’t have extended stays or get stuck having to sleep over, etc. My husband is a doctor and we have a plan in place to “have him paged” and suddenly all have to leave so that we can avoid putting our kids through an episode. That has only happened a few times. We choose not to leave our 7 and 9 year old children unsupervised with her.
4. She can be a master manipulator and instigator. It is most difficult to not respond when she attempts to manipulate or attacks my father, sister, husband, etc. When she claims that one of them has done her some grave injustice, I don’t jump to get involved or defend them. This seems to only make things worse. She gets sucked into this internal narrative that everyone is plotting against her. I can only disengage and walk away.
Biting my tongue and muttering a noncommittal “hmmm” is the only response that hasn’t made things worse.
5. I tried family counseling with my mother when I was 30 and pregnant with my first child. After 2 sessions the counselor called me and told me that the sessions would be futile unless my mother sought separate counseling for much deeper underlying issues. This was a big turning point in my perception of my relationship with my mother. Until then, I thought much of the problems were my fault, that I could fix it if I just… just… communicate better….. had the right answer… knew how to be a better daughter… It was a relief to realize it wasn’t her fault either. That there was an imbalance that made her deeply unhappy and unable to communicate, relate, etc in a healthy way.
She cannot hear from anyone else that she is ill. Her deep insecurity that nobody likes her can be her greatest trigger. She did go to a therapist a while back and was medicated- it helped a little. But then she decided the therapist was plotting against her and stopped the meds. She does not talk about this with me. I don’t believe that she will ever change. This is both sad and relieving, because I no longer feel like it is my job to fix her- just to be as supportive as I can while protecting myself and kids. This way I can usually find forgiveness.
If anyone has any other suggestions or tactics they employ, I would be very grateful.
The by poler grandmothere hates children and minor grandchildren and idle threats or not it more than concerns me. You never know when her threats will be carried ou
I just found this blog. I know it’s pretty old and I’m not sure if anyone will read this but I just feel like sharing my story, and maybe one day it will help someone.
My mother was Bipolar, and untreated my entire life. She died from Mesothelioma back in 2010 when I was 20. It was hard for me to be sad, or emotional about her dying. To be quite honest, the day she died in a Hospice, I went to the mall by myself and walked around. I feel guilty about the way I felt, and still feel.. totally detached. I know deep down she had a good heart, and her intentions were good, but growing up with her were the absolute worst years of my life. Every day you would never know what to expect. She would either be insanely happy and chipper, or she would be extremely mentally, physically abusive towards me and my sister. My mother would stay up all night on the internet, chatting, playing cards.. whatever it was she did. My sister would wake up and get me ready for school. Most times we were very young and would be late to school because there was no one really taking care of us. One time specifically, my mother was driving us to school and we were going to be late. She had a total meltdown on the way, turned the car around and drove us home. The entire day was a living hell. She physically beat us all day, and mentally destroyed us. Every holiday was a total nightmare. No one was ever happy, and nothing was ever her fault. Everyone around her were the crazy ones, the ones with the issues.. not her. I grew up shy, insecure, nervous, horrible anxiety. I always expected something insane and scary to occur, which has been a problem for me in my life as an adult. My anxiety is a huge issue for me. In high school, I was getting ready for my homecoming with a friend. My friend did my hair, it didn’t look amazing, but I loved it. I had bought a dress with the money I made from working. My mother was in a horrible mood all day. She was yelling at me, telling me how horrible my hair looked etc. She dropped us off at a friends to take pictures and go to the dance. My friend supposedly “slammed” the car door, which really set my mother off. I immediately broke down crying once in the house to my friends parents. My mother called me shortly after saying she was coming to get me and I would not be attending the dance. I was never allowed to see my friend again. It has been years since this all has occurred, and I used to think back on this as just some bullshit that happened when I was younger. Now, this year specifically for whatever reason.. I’ve looked back and realized we did not have normal childhood. It was horrible. I understand why I am the way I am now. Why I have anxiety issues.. why I am super insecure about everything. I want to forgive her and just let it all go and be a happy person. My biggest fear is that I will turn out to be just like her. It is going to be a long process, and every day I self-check myself and make sure I’m staying positive and trying to be nice, caring person. I look back now and I can’t believe I made it through. I remember days of just crying all day, wishing I could just die and not have to live like this anymore. These are just a few stories. I literally could sit here all day and write about the experiences I had, but I think everyone gets the point. Hopefully this helps someone, in some way.
Hey Sarah- just wanted you to know that I read your story and felt numb b/c it sounded so much like mine. I had 2 younger sisters and we were physically and emotionally abused. Then she was sweet and bubbly. You just never knew who you were coming home to after school. My mom died 5 years ago and it was bittersweet. I’ve never been sure how to feel about it. Email me at charityethompson@yahoo.com if you just want to share stories. You’re not alone. This blog has been eye opening to me!
Can you help me? Im a mom w an mental illness & I’m desperately looking for help and support and guidance on how to speak to my 17 year old son about my struggles w living with bipolar. There are circumstances that have contributed to what it’s come to, but I’m too exhausted to to put my thoughts down @ moment ‘ plus I can’t keep up w my mind as well. I hope someone can understand this? Thank you so much . Very happy to have found your page.
Thx a bunches ,
Yasmina Graves
Mama to TnT, ( I have two sons) Trysten Lee( off at college as Freshman), and Travis Jr
We turned our back on MIL after years of abuse from her. The final straw was her going online, creating false stories and campaigning to get strangers from overseas to call child welfare authorities on us. If that’s not crazy…
Yes, it does get that bad. Adult children have to put the safety and welfare of their own families ahead of everything else.
This is a woman in total denial of her state of mind. She is untreated because she says she doesn’t have any problems, and never did.
She threatened us, and threatened to take our child away, and make sure he would never be “found”.
She had a history of throwing dishes at her husband and son during her ” rants”. She has never managed to hold down a job, despite her remarkable amount of energy and lack of need for sleep. She motormouths, lies constantly about every little thing, and manipulates. She has never had any problems — according to her, but her life is on a shambles.
She has obnoxious opinions on everything, but no insight into herself. And she is too much.
She grew up in an alcoholic home and abused substances herself, but denies all of that. She started skipping school after sixth grade would go missing for five days at a time, and said her parents didn’t notice. She quit school on her 16th birthday, without completing 10th grade. She got pregnant, married, divorced, went back to the broken marriage twice and had a baby each time. But she was a wonderful, perfect mother! Oh, yes, bipolar does make for grandiose delusions.
Things are so much better with her out of our lives. No regrets. You have to save yourself, your spouse and children from destruction. That’s what would have happened if she carried out her threats.
My mom has bipolar depression. She has had it since she was 15 when her mom died in her arms from cancer. She got diagnosed with it this year. I’m starting to understand why my childhood was so unstable now but since I graduated high school things have got worse. Every time I tell her I wish she would come spend time with us she says I am so unappreciative. The last thing she said to me was “maybe I should work on my mental health by distancing my self from this relationship since you keep hurting me” because I told her I need to limit our relationship. I found out that she is always drinking alcohol and taking bipolar medication at the same time. She has really good days and she has really bad days when she attacks me and goes and tells people that my husband is the stupidest decision I ever made. She also told me I shouldn’t be proud of staying home with my kids. Recently she turned my sister against me and My husband because I defended myself. She is nice to everyone’s face but will talk bad about them on her bad days. Everyone thinks she is the nicest person and I’m just being an ungrateful daughter. I always feel isolated. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Now that I know she is struggling with her illness I feel guilty for being mad at her but her words are so hurtful. I really want to help her get better but I also want us to have a relationship where I don’t constantly get hurt.
My Mom hid being Bi- Polar and my Stepdad told me.
Life is more peaceful since She has passed. She left a path of destruction, even after death. Caught Her in multiple lies, being the object of Her physical abuse and financial ruin to my Dad.
My Dad realizes how manipulative She was, after leaving Him $10,000. in debt, when She died.
I can smile in the fact She can’t hurt anyone anymore!
I find myself in bed right now restless and exhausted. My story with my progenitor (If after all these years I can still call her mother.) her mental problem started even before I was born. So as many stories of bipolar mothers. I never knew when it actually started. I was born and raised by a bipolar mother. I’m sorry. Two mothers. Mom number one caracterized by Insults, fights, verbal threats, physical aggression, tantrums etc etc. Mom number two, someone comprehensive, kind, affectionate, always excited and happy. It’s incredible how many times I heard from her about projects and goals that she keep on talking and thinking of obsessively .but in the end she never got to actually do them or achieve them. She hasn’t worked for more than 10 years. She gets a shared income with her sister. It’s a rent from a business in inherited from my grandfather. But as my mom is the coowner she is responsible to pay half of the taxes. She hasn’t paid for them in years! Leaving my aunt with all the responsibility of it. My aunt has a single son. She once told me she doesn’t wanna bring another one to this world because she has to pay for my mom’s side when she is negligent. For me, well. I’ve received physical and psychological mistreatment by her since I have use of reason. But after every episode either depresive or maniac she calms down we talk about the situation in a normal way and we agree not to fight with each other again. But it’s a vicious cycle. It doesn’t stop and I already acknowledge it never will. If I go out and I avoid her calls or messages she tries to reach my friends saying I dissapeared. She even called the police in several occasions but they already know she is just panicking and they just don’t pay attention anymore. She is already 43 years old. Her illness has gone too far. Yesterday I told her to leave me alone in my room for a while cause I was feeling stressed. She started to slap herself very strongly. She went to the room and while doing that she was talking to herself. “You are a piece of shit!” “You are worthless.” I’m afraid she is developing dementia. The only option I have now is to take legal action and send her to a mental hospital. She is not only dangerous to me but also to my herself. I live in Israel and I have all my life here and my mom is the only relative I have here and I also have this huge the moral dilema cause she is my mom after all. I don’t know what to do…
I am the 48 year old eldest son of a bipolar mother. I would like to thank everyone who has shared their stories on this blog – I really needed to hear that there were other people like me. I did research my mother’s bipolar symptoms and I did speak to her psychiatrist. My sisters and I have had many discussions on what we can do to support her, and we have regularly swopped notes on whether she is high or low. But I find I can not accept anymore that she can enjoy being as high as a kite and then suffer through her depressions, all the time focussed selfishly and manipulatively on being the centre of attention.
My mother was finally diagnosed about 10 years ago, at the age of 64, four years before by Dad died in 2009. My Dad said he knew something was wrong and had his doubts even on the eve of his wedding. My Dad’s childhood had damaged him, my mother has always been very convincing and persuasive, and I don’t think he realised how bad it could become. My Dad was the rock that held our family together. He provided the strong stable consistent presence which offset my mothers behaviour. But my Dad became ill and was no longer able to cope with her progressively more extreme and at times aggressive behaviour. He had hydrocephalus “water on the brain” which meant he gradually lost control of his body and then his mind. Aged 70 he told me he had had enough and would be happy to die. He was a distinguished academic and I still cry when I think that my mother committed him to a mental home in the last few weeks before he died, where he was scared and confused. At this time we were still in thrall to her dominance and did too little to help him.
And this is the main point of my story. For 38 years I was convinced that my mother was exceptional and that her intelligence and success was to be emulated. She promoted herself as a ‘supermum’ who had raised six children (the middle two being mixed race adopted) and had a successful career as a business consultant. Even when she was diagnosed with bipolar she liked to highlight that some of the most creative people were depressives or bipolar. Like many other writers to this blog, I remember being hauled from my bed, aged 13 or 14, and beaten for something I had done that day. She often called be a ‘lazy sod’ for not making my bed or tidying my bedroom. I remember her shoving my head back against the wall so hard that I fainted and when I came too she was kicking me and calling me a lazy sod. I remember her whipping me with my fathers belt whilst a Catholic priest was talking to my Dad in the sitting room below.
There was a lot of stress in our family. The second adopted child was a ward of court – she had been removed from her biological mother because her biological mother ‘had not bonded with her’ and had left her to rot in her nappies. But she refused to allow my sister to be adopted by the first foster parents, despite their best efforts, because they were not Catholic. And so my sister came to live with us aged 2 years old, wrenched from foster parents that she had bonded with, and with scars on her bottom and legs. I remember her standing at the garden gate shouting for her foster parents to take her home.
My mother should not have been allowed to adopt. She had already exhibited some extreme behaviours. But as I mentioned above, she was always very convincing and persuasive and I am sure that the adoption agency believed that our family would provide a stable and happy home. If she had not adopted then perhaps my Dad could have controlled my mother’s behaviour better. I do think that the added stress over the years made my mother’s condition worse. But in my cynical hours, I suspect that one of the reasons why my mother wanted to adopt, and in particular to adopt mixed race children with disturbed backgrounds, was to show the world how successful our family was. My mother arranged for our local newspaper to write a story about her titled ‘Supermum’, together with group family photo. As I write this now, I hate to think how we were paraded as a ‘model’ family.
But here is the rub. I believed all of it. It felt good to be part of this special family. I was proud and happy to tell my friends and work-mates. I remember, aged 30, telling my then boss about how gifted and talented my mother was.
I also developed what I now know is a ‘transference’. I created a logic for why my mother was always too busy doing something important, to be able to focus attention on me. I believed that I was not important, and that it was OK for her to beat me because she was doing these great things. I knew that if I reacted then it could make things worse for everyone, my younger brother and sisters particularly. So I never said anything or told anyone. My transference was that I was not important, but if I could become important then perhaps I would then get some attention, and some love. Throughout all of this I loved my mum and was always very proud of her. And when I looked for a wife, I wanted someone who could match up to my mother’s example.
In many ways, my transference served me well between the ages of 15 and 30. I worked very hard and was a classic ‘over-achiever’. But it did not matter if I won prizes or awards, whenever I went home there was always something more important than me. And then I met my wife. And my mum still needed to be the centre of attention. And my wife, somewhat over-awed, acquiesced to some extent at the beginning. But the turning point for me was the birth of my son. I was so proud of him and felt that now, surely, it was our turn to have some attention. And as my mother continued to put herself first I felt angry for my beautiful son. It was OK that I am not important, and perhaps my mother was more successful than my wife, but my son was definitely important.
Over the years that followed I saw more clearly the extent to which she would manipulate us children so that we were always still jostling for her attention. Another turning point was when my younger sister had her first baby. My mother still had to be the centre of attention and I felt angry and upset for my sister.
And I still wanted her approval. I would offer the things I had done for her acknowledgement. I tried to help her by giving her support and encouragement to continue to live in her own home. Only 1 month ago I offered her my heartfelt advice and support. I felt it was my duty to continue to support her, even after she could be quite viscous and hurtful. I had overlooked the malicious comments when she did not get her way with my family. Even when she said the most hurtful things about how ashamed my Dad would have been of me for not doing what she wanted. I told myself that she was lonely and mentally ill and that was why she lashed out. Like a drunk, she never seemed to remember what she had said when we next spoke, and never apologised. I did ask her once about the time when she hit my had against the way so hard I fainted, but she got very defensive and said she did not want to talk about it.
The breaking point for me was a few days after my advice 1 month ago. When my mother wants to manipulate us she tries to speak to my wife because she thinks my wife will be easier to control. She phoned my wife’s mobile but I was sitting next to my wife at the time and answered the call. We had invited my mother to stay with us over Christmas. Here was my mother, high as a kite, trying to manipulate my wife into inviting other people in addition to her. Christmas is a really important time for me and my little family, and the last thing I wanted was to spoil it for my children. The people she wanted to invite are quite disturbed – my son is scared of one of them. My mother still came, by this time in a deep depression and so fairly uncommunicative, and we got through Christmas. But I will not put up with this any more. Yes – she has a mental illness. But she damaged my Dad and my five siblings, and she is continuing to damage me. I do not see why one person should be supported to cause so much harm and upset. And my wife is completely fed up with how my mother’s behaviour impacts me and our family.
As you can probably tell, I have got to this point several times before, after much upset with my wife and family. I have had a very difficult few days with my wife and I need to make amends. The biggest question I always ask myself is whether I should confront my mother with her behaviour and try to explain how damaging it is. But I remember how defensive she got the last time I tried. And I also understand the illness well enough to know that it would be like trying to remonstrate with a drunk. It would make her very confused and upset. It would be very painful to have to explain how much she has hurt me and others. She may even acknowledge the harm she has done. But I expect that within days she would have forgotten our conversation and moved on to the next thing she wants our attention for. I think that trying so hard to confront her and then for it still not to be important, would be worse than not trying at all.
I’m glad I found this chat room. My mother has it and it is still causing me hell because I’m an only child. She has completely isolated everyone and I moved across the country to get away from it. She has been battling it for 50 years, and I just don’t know what the future holds. She is very manipulative, has been to prison, tried to commit suicide, makes threats, and spends frivolously. I just wish there were more outlets where I could ask for help.
my mom is bipolar. diagnosed, tried to commit suicide, overdosing on drugs because she didnt drink water on meds.
dont wanna say too much, but she is driving me crazy around the house. There are things that are moved or just put in weird spots or literally ruined. She will go around the house ruining everything she touches. She will pick something up just to ruin it, but not use it. Her illness is driving me insane right now.
She’s also extremely lazy. Does not do any work around the house. This does not bother me much because she’s been admitted to the mental hospital a few times. I prefer that she sits around the house in front of the TV not doing anything. Problem is that, she is a person just like everybody else, but refuses to clean up after herself or do anything for herself. I would very much like her to be out of my life and have somebody else take care of her. Sucks having a mom, that you wish you would rather have out of your life.
Sorry for the rant.
Hi I’m 21 years old. I have 8 brothers and sisters. My moms first marriage she had 3 kids with a very abusive man. My dads first marriage he had 4 kids with a drug and alcohol addicted mother. Then my mom and dad got married and had me and my twin brother. My mom adopted my dads kids. My dads kids didn’t get along with my moms and it was always tense in the house. My dads kids hated my mom for reasons I don’t know about because I was very young. There are atleast 9 year age gaps between my siblings and I. But from what I know my mom treated them like her kids providing them with shelter education and even buying them new cars. Remind you that my dad is not a attentive dad. He was never home. He liked to sit in the garage and never come out. He also had a huge temper. Later on my dads kids moved out. This upset my mom because she considered them her own kids. Now it my 4 brothers and sister and my single mom. I haven’t spoken to my 4 (dads side) siblings in years. Aside from many family fights that happened between my mom sister and brother some abusive. But never my mom hitting it was always my brothers and sisters hitting her. For 7 years my mom and sister didn’t talk. My sister often called her horrible names and spread rumors about her. Recently they just began talking by my mom doesn’t trust her. My eldest brother and my mom haven’t spoken in 4 years. He put my mom through hell. Things you think your own son would never do to their mother. So to say the least my mom has been through a lot. Protecting her children from an abusive man and having 2 of her children be abusive towards her. It’s been 4 years. Now my mom is coping with it by saying she hates all her kids and how they have their fathers blood and all have cruel intentions. However I do not have the same father. When she says these things it really gets to me. My mom is extremely unhappy. I am still young. I’m 21 I still need my mom. I need her support and she’s not there. All day everyday she talks about how her kids are evil and she wish she never had them. She has 2 grandkids now whom she showers with gifts but isn’t happy she has them. Often her daughter will send her framed photos of her grandchildren and I’ll ask where does she want me to hang them and my mom responsed, ” back in the box. I don’t want to be surrounded by my family anymore. It’s not a good feeling” I don’t know what to do. It’s so hard to connect with her. Her mother (my grandma) was often out of mental hospitals. She often had break downs and would try to set the house on fire. My mom talks about how difficult it was having a parent with a mental illness. But I don’t think she realizes how I’m going through the same thing. I try to tell her to let it go and move forward but then she says that I’m going against her. She thinks the solution is to disown all her children. To never talk to them again. And I fear one day she will do that to me.
Myself and my daughter suffers with bipolar I’m also an alcoholic. She has 3 children under 6 which I know is difficult but all she seems to do is scream n shout . I’m there from morning till night helping her but she always says I do nothing for her. I do 99% of washing children’s ironing n see to most of their needs there’s not a lot left for her to do. She got no respect and things she’s been sent from God as an Angel to heal people wtf. I’m going off my head with her. Any suggestions please.
My heart breaks for everyone involved in these relationships , my mum is bipolar nd has been for as long as I can remember. My childhood was by no means easy reading trough these comments is like reliving my own childhood with her.. But never in a million years would I turn my back on her, she tries very to deal with her condition. Some days are good some days are bad such is life unfortunately. I feel for her more then hate her, despite how cruel ( and does be) she is at times .. But is she is also the most loving person u could ever meet when not having an episode. Compassion goes a long way x
I’m 19. I have two bipolar parents that I live with. My birth family (I’m adopted) is genetically misfortuned with mental illnesses. I to am bipolar now. My world seems to be sometimes. But livie is right. I get angry sometimes when people don’t feel sorry for me all the time. It makes me fustrated and disappointed but I control it and don’t portray it onto anyone. I now understand the disorder like its normal. Having anger towards someone with bipolar disorder is completely acceptable and so is cutting them off. Anyone reading this if you have bipolar learn to control your anger, sorrow, and guilt. Try as best you can and if you can’t don’t be f****** stupid. Get on meds. If your being cut off becuase someone wants to work on there own sanity and your not allowing that don’t be f***** selfish and still want pitty for your mental illness. I’m 19 and I sound a lot more mature then some of you older folk pitting yourself for your own problems. Learn to deal with it on your own. Not with a punching bag. I feel bad for everyone suffering from bipolar and I would love to stick around but you can’t always put someone with a mental illness first. Your own sanity is the most important. I have so much more to say and this gets me really worked up but I’m going to control my thoughts and stop.
* Edited for profanity
Just becuase you love someone and have good intentions does not excuse your mental abuse portrayed by your own mental instability.
Hello. Im 18 and 9 months pregnant i have been living with my bi polar and schizophrenic mother my entire life. Its just me, my sister, and her. We live in a small 2 bedroom apartment. Living with her has been hard. She is very selfish she never considers me or my sisters feelings. She is rude to us,mean, she has threatened us, put us down, made fun of us..i mean the list goes on. I got so stressed out from her that i was having anxiety attacks and had to start taking Prozac to keep my self calm. But my main concern is just moving out asap because im pregnant. I dont want to bring my baby into this unstable environment. Its hard because im not working right now and im still trying to figure all of this out because i dont have her support. She always says she’s here for me but never listens to any of my opinions she even told me she would never give me her last. Like what kind of mom says that? I just need some advice on what my first step should be because my baby, my sister, and i cant stay here.
Thanks
I am 25 with a mother 62, she is the best mother ever and I love her deeply, she was diagnosed 6 mo. After she had me and doctors told her that she may have a complicated pregnancy she did not care, she even had her tubes untied to have her babygirl, fast foward, I never thought that there was something wrong with my mom, she worked as a teacher, she is very sweet, goes to church, and everything, I started to have friends like we all did as kids they came over and everything was fine, My father use to argue with my mom a lot and she flared up, I just though she was angry, my dad use to call her retard and one day we as her children would find out that she is “Retarded” I started to realize my mother was keeping a deep dark secret hidden from us, as time went by my friends mother started to realize something was wrong with her, me personally just thought that was my nomal sweet mother, I couldn’t tell anything was wrong, My brothers as time went on started to look at her medicine and try to find out what was her deep dark secret, as time went on my mom started to file for SsI, I thought it was strange, so I asked her why was she filing for SSI, she said it was her ankle and since she had surgery on it she couldn’t work, mmm I thought since I was coming of age 17 I knew it had to be something else l, so I started to dig and found out she was bipolar type 2, I was crushed I thought my mom was perfect just had flaws like everybody else, and now I’m at age 25 I’m just in denial I guess, I see my mother different now, I feel sorry for her, and asked her why did she have me, since I think I inflicted this on her, she doesn’t blame me, but I do, I blame my father for driving her insane, I blame, I blame, I want to protect my mom against everybody that dont know about her illness and talk about her, my mom just wants to be nomal, she didn’t ask for this, And I didn’t ask for a mother with BP , It hurts watching her deteriorate from the medicine, I cry, because there is nothing I can do, But my mom is Okay with it, even thought she denies having a problem, she says she is just as normal as everybody else but, on the outside she’s not and I protective and hate to see people look at my mom, like she’s a freak.
I decided to turn to the Internet for some help. I’m 33. My Mom is 53. I’ve been dealing with my Mom’s bi-polar since I was about 13 when she had her first mental breakdown. When I had to literally dig in her throat to gag her to bring up the assortment of pills she had swallowed. I learned at a young age my Mom’s phases. Her more typical depressed phase and her manic phase. She’d keep herself in her room and cry. She’d leave work early from her nerves being so bad and cry. When her Mom passed it got worse. She’s been on different meds. And after a while they’d work but them she’d stop taking them. And she battles addiction as well. During her manic phases she’d blow all her money to the point she’d be late in her rent. She’d steal. She’d be extra loud for attention. And God forbid she’d say something funny, she’d repeat it louder to get more attention. I think when I actually saw the symptoms in full glory was when we were at the toy store and she literally touched every toy that made a noise up and down the aisles. It was complete chaos. And that is my Mom…complete chaos. Her boyfriend (who also has mental health issues) just broke up with her again for like the 5th time. She’s devastated. It kills me to see her like this. Knowing that she’d rather put up with someone who treats her horribly than be alone. My Mom has Daddy/ Abandonmentioned issues. Funny I’m not even a psychiatrist but her old therapist agreed with every single diagnosis I said. It’s that apparent. I’m exhausted dealing with her. She doesn’t have many friends. So I’m her shoulder to cry on and that is alot of weight to carry on my shoulders. I’m tired of having to be HER parent! I’m tired of having the burden of trying to help her be “normal”. To be a productive member of society. She’s been leaving work so much lately cause her nerves are so bad cause she’s upset about the break up so her depression is at an all time high. Which means I have to try and help her financially and I’m a single Mom with a teenager myself. I just need her to be my Mom for once. I love the person she is when I get to actually see glimpses of the real her. Unfortunately it’s not too often. Her stress is becoming my stress as usual but my tolerance is fading. She doesn’t even have the money to pay the co pay for the therapist. I don’t know what to do. I’d be devastated without her, I love her but with her she’s slowly killing me. And my son is old enough now to see how it’s affecting me. I dont want him to remember her like that. He doesn’t even like to be around her anymore cause all she does is randomly cry. God knows I needed to get this off my chest.
I’m 27 a single mother to 2 year old girl. I love her so much she makes me so happy but my whole life I have suffered from chronic depression, very high anxiety seems like every little thing makes me anxious especially ppl, I also have PTSD from things that happen to me in my younger years. A year after my daughter was born I went to a facility in my town that has doctors and counselor its like if your broke or no insurance that’s where you go anyway after talking to doctors and counselor they diagnosed me as being bipolar for years I was able to hide most of the symptoms that it brought but after I had my daughter me and her father just fell apart immediately, when he was around he didn’t help me at all with our daughter. One day he just didn’t come home he wanted out. So I had to step up and pay for all of the bills,food,daughter everything on a very low paying job luck is the only reason I was able to keep our home for a year. My job then had to close down so me and my daughter had to move in with my grandmother who is a huge pack rat. Me and my daughter are now sharing a room and my grandmother just recently had a stroke. The day I got a new job is the day my grandmother had a stroke my dad asked me to quit my job to stay home to take of my grandmother and daughter. That’s when my bipolar started going crazy,incontrollable,scary! I have no control of my anger anymore and I feel so bad because I try so hard to keep my cool keep my patience with my daughter but anymore I can’t I feel like I’m always yelling and just an emotional mess but like 100x worse. I just hate sounding like im always mad. Its like I’m standing outside my body just watching myself act like this. My acting like this doesn’t phase my daughter at all she has just always ignored me when I have my episodes. She has been a challenge ever since she was born. She never and still doesn’t like to sleep she can get up at 8 in the morning not take a nap have a active day and not fall asleep until 1am. She is very smart she likes to test me a lot cause she knows I’ll give up because i get stressed,then anxiety then the anger builds up everything just starts to boil I can feel it through my veins to where I’m just like you know forget it just do it. I even hurt my grandmother with my grumpy attitude I try to solitude myself in my room the best I can. On my dad side is the grandmother I live with on this side of my family they don’t really believe mental issues like this like my grandmother has been telling me since I was 7 when I first told her I was depressed and stress so weird I don’t know where I learn those words but I knew exactly what they meant anyway her and my recent family on my dad’s side say o it will just pass over. They treat me like I’m some alien none of them really talk to me unless has to with my daughter. Now on my moms side I get all of this from my grandmother exact replica! She does go to the doctor and get medication for it all. I would love to get on medication but the place I was saying before put me on like 8 different pills to where I would doze off driving just living in a blur felt so much like a zombie, then the counselor only wanted to talk about my ex and his mother. I have tried a few other behavioral offices but they just put me on this junk that doesn’t fix anything for me even taking them for a couple months I still feel like I’m not living life its either I’m mad and on edge and having one good day a week or I’m just a clueless zombie. Any kind of advice or help would be appreciated. I hope if anyone reads this you don’t think I’m a horrible monster. I’m one of the nicest people you can meet so nice I get taken advantage of, disrespected, walked over all the time. I’m really try to communicate better and get a bigger thicker backbone so I don’t just let everything that people have done to hurt me doesn’t build up to where I freak out at home im scared I will get so mad that I won’t be able to control myself so I just paint a fake smile and take it out usually on the people I love the most sadly the people in that fire is my mother,grandmother and daughter. If someone could just say they have had episodes that I’m not alone with these crazy sicknesses. Thank you for your time if you read this novel.
I have a mother who has been clinically diagnosed with bipolar and schizophrenic my siblings and I had to mature at a very young age I’m reading some of these responses and I feel sad for some who have allowed themselves to have a hardness of heart I was in foster care for two years total we moved numerous times I cannot remember how many schools I was enrolled in after being in the foster care system mysiblings and I were reunited with my mother yes she’s not perfect she’s selfish and very self absorbed but when I think about it in her state of mind who wouldn’t be yes she’s unstable but that doesn’t take away her title and she still deserves respect and genuine compassion thats reflected in love this doesn’t mean I allow her to use and abuse her mother to daughter privilege I am learning to love her and create and set boundaries and be at peace with what needs to be done at the time I’m not her God nor her savior I am human and imperfect just like she is I love her and she is truly a beautiful woman that is just literally broken mentally and wounded no she didn’t choose to be that way just like someone doesn’t choose to have cancer but the difference is some have been healed through chemo but mental illness that’s a totally different story trials in life aren’t suppose to make us bitter it’s suppose to make our love bank more full of compassion for the mentally handicap and disabled.
I am a 34 year old woman, mother of 3, married 10 years to a great guy but yet remain awake because of the horrendous memories of my childhood. The memories which include being raised by a bipolar mother. At a young age I remember being woken up at 3 am by her so that she could find a silver necklace. Or the high volume fights she would pick with my Father after a long day of working. The days she would spend in bed. Or the months she spent in the hospital getting her medication adjusted. The one memory that keeps me awake at this current hour is of me at a young age, pressing my face against the screen on a summer morning. Watching my amazing father get into the car to drive off to work. I can still feel the tears rolling down my cheeks and the pressure in my chest from trying to hold in the sadness. I wish he could just take me to work and I could have sat in the corner quietly all day. Anything to get away from my mother. I think I was only 6 or 7 at the time. I had also realized at that very moment that there was no such thing as a fairy god mother or she surely would have come to rescue me. I never knew what the day was going to bring. Was it going to be her screaming, crying, ignoring us (my brother and I), talking excessively on the phone or maybe just laying in her room all day? By the age of 8 or 9 the anger and uncertainty rose so high towards her that I finally figured out that what she said really should not hold that much bearing. I do love my mother in a different way. I have not cut her out of my life. I have set some boundaries that have come in handy. I learned to set boundaries early in life, it was a survival skill. I think I came out ok. No drug or alcohol addiction, a successful career, a successful marriage (thanks to a loving and devoted father), and I think I am an ok mother. My issue that still lingers like most of the children of a bipolar (manic/ depressive) mother is the pain you feel for your child self. You wish you could float back there and fill in the love that was denied by your bipolar mother. There were so many days that I ached to find her gone or my father filing for divorce. I wonder what my childhood would have been like if my father had just left to find a kinder, sweeter woman? But he didn’t leave, he stayed. He is still by her side today. Caring for her at her worst moments. She had to switch her medication after 25 years of being pretty stable. Lithium was good for controlling her bipolar but not for her kidneys. She was able to switch to something else but it is no longer working. She now is in an anxious/ depressive state. She cannot work, barely leaves the house and can barely follow simple instructions. Now constantly questions herself. I could barely tolerate her for one day. But my father cares for her everyday and does it well. I don’t feel guilty about not being able to take care of her. The bond was really never made between us. I was used as a child– as a verbal punching bag, listened to too many inappropriate things from her mouth, and emotionally ignored. Everything focused around her needs. Unfortunately being egotistical is one of the traits of bipolar disorder which makes for poor bonding with children. I truly believe deep down that certain bipolar mothers should not have custody of their children. I can only speak from my experience, and my experience on the spectrum is not that bad. We all have our problems and challenges…but bipolar disorder is a pretty bad one.
my mother is bipolar she raised me my brother sister alone.I understand the way she was cause of us we had problems and all of us are in denial are dad raped all 3 of us when we were little.My mother recently after was diagnosed with cancer and still worked 8-5 everyday monday thru Friday for 5.35 an hour.Years later she adopted my nieces from my sister that been incarcerated.I will always know she was angry all the time but I understand why. there’s only 14 of us on are side of family but I will always be there for her and our fam.
Who should give bride away,,,
Deadbeat biological father or
Step dad that has raised hersince she was 2, paid for eveything snd is most likely paying for wedding?
Hi everyone I’m an adult child of a bipolar mom. I imagine I’m really late into this conversation but as we speak my mom is having a maniac episode, this would be the 4th one this year. I live hundreds of miles away from my mother and it’s like she has multiple episodes every month or two. She has no concern for I or my 2 younger siblings safety or well being. I am 20 and live in Texas & brothers are 11 & 12 and live in Florida with her. She refuses to take the medicine and has even went so far as saying , the hospital is her holiday inn. I have went to the extremes to get custody of my brothers but all attempts have failed because she miraculously seems normal in front of a judge. Example of the craziness she does, she has turned on all of the gas burners and water faucets in the house and just walks out at 4 am. Just last month she left them at 5am to go God knows where in the pouring rain. She crashed her car and could of died. They found her in a night shirt, bloody and soaking wet. Ive tried to live with her but in between waiting on her hand and foot, my brothers, working, school and the bills I was burnt out. Not to mention she doesn’t sleep at night, I don’t trust her so I stay up and watch her. I just don’t think a mother that loves her children would latch on to them and not give them a chance at happiness or stability. I have been nothing but supportive and my whole life she’s made me feel inadequate, lonely and insecure. She’s hated me and I always bent over backwards constantly only for her to kick me in my ass. She ruined me I don’t want my brothers to go through trying to find the love they never felt. I have been recently diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety I feel like apart of its because of all the madness she’s done. She’s cause me so much pain and anger. She will never understand the feeling of confusion, panic, pain and helplessness we have felt endlessly. I can’t wake up to another phone call of my brothers crying and begging me to come get them because they were scared. I’ve spent my rent money to go save my brothers so they don’t get put into foster care. But yet again I have to spend money that I just don’t have and time off from work to go there again and she doesn’t appreciate it. She’s angry, delusional and disconnected all of the time. I can’t get her committed on a long term bases and I’m tired and running out of ideas. Im drained physically, mentally, emotionally. I have barely had support from family for or time for my own illness because it’s always about the “sickness that needs love and support” but where is mine? What about me?
I’ve just come upon this site as of today. I’m ten years older than my brother, and I can imagine how hard it must be to want to protect your brothers, but you can’t. By the time my brother became the only person she had left to abuse (before this she was against my dad and I, but treated my brother as a prince. She would even put his shoes on for him when he was 12), my parents were divorced and my brother left my mom to move in with our dad. Thank God for that because otherwise I would have been in your position. I think that if the state takes your brothers away, they will give them to you. Maybe you should not give her any more money. I say this but I just gave my mom money a few days ago. She is now single, alone, jobless, and I’m the only person she has left that will help her at all. I’m afraid that my help is nothing more than codependency and enabling her reckless behavior. I think she feels that she always has someone to fall back on, and this takes away fear for true consequences. I told her not to quit her job to move in with a man she just met. But she quit her job the next day and within two days she was threatening to leave him. After two weeks she did leave him and is now back at her apartment with no job. So I had to help her pay her rent. Point being, maybe any financial help to your mother will only hurt your case to get your brothers. If anything, send them gift cards for food, clothes, etc. Her losing them is probably the only way that you can get them. You should probably talk to them about this. They can call cps on her themselves, and speak with their teachers. I do believe they will send them to you rather than put them into foster care. But I would probably speak to a legal professional about it. A consultation is free.
I just found this blog today. My moms therapist and her doctor have within the last week, told her they think she is bipolar. All along I thought she had borderline personality disorder. So, I wanted to research the experience of children with mothers of bipolar disorder to see if I agreed with this possible diagnosis, because God knows she’s been misdiagnosed for twenty years. My mom definitely is bipolar. I identified with the children, and I saw my own mother in most of the mothers with bipolar disorder. I will tell my story, but not today. What I would like to point out to all of you is that these mothers tell you how terrible you are to abandon your mother. What they do not realize is that it is them who have abandoned us. While they may remain physically present, they are absent in all that is motherdom. Bipolar Mothers: If you did happen to spoil your kid as some of you say, it is probably only because you decided that child was your favorite. When that child no longer sees you as the perfect mother, but rather for the destructive person you are, they then turn into “spoiled” children. I’m ten years older than my brother, and not only have I been a mother to my mom, but I have been a mother to my brother. He was her perfect baby until he became of age to question things. Now he is nothing. Since I’m still here to listen to her victim stories, give her money, do tasks for her that she is perfectly capable of doing for herself, I am now the child she has something to do with. It is out of need, not love, make no mistake about that. Did it ever occur to you mothers that just because we had the misfortune of coming out of a bipolar vagina, that does not make you a mother, nor does that indebt us to you? That you are supposed to take care of us and not the other way around? If my mother does not take her medication, I will cut her out like the malignant tumor she is. This is her last chance. You really are sick people, in more ways than one. Maybe some of you aren’t sick in all senses. Maybe you do have remorse, maybe you do take your medication. But to those of you that blame is for abandoning the toxic “mothers” in our lives, you are a poor excuse for a mother. You are not a mother. We are your mother. I didn’t sign up for that. What I did sign up for was taking care of my children, and if they developed bipolar disorder, I will make them seek treatment, and take medication. I will take this to court if they are no longer minors. I will not abandon my children. Heads up, you are not a child. If anyone is a spoiled brat it is you. That is evident in your temper tantrum every time you do not get your way. My three year old used to say “I don’t love you anymore mommy. You are not pretty anymore mommy”, when he did not get his way. You are no better than a three year old having a tantrum, trying to manipulate to get your way. You didn’t ask for it. Guess what? Neither did we! Do you think we can fix you? Take care of you? We can’t. We can only be a co dependent. We can only enable your sick behavior. The sad thing is that those two options, make us sick just like you but in a different way. You enjoy that don’t you? You can’t stand the thought of your child having more, being more than you ever thought about being. Somehow we have survived you, coming out of an insane situation to be sane. Living without a mother, and becoming mothers, as we have known how to be one to you at much too young an age. If we should decide that you are no longer our dependent, our cancer, someone to suck on us like a leach for the remainder of the lives we have managed to salvage from your insanity; then I say good for us. Blame us as you will, be a victim as you always have been, and live without the only people in your life that could ever love you unconditionally. I will always love my mother, I will always mourn the death of her sanity. Love does not require us to martyrdom. Maybe sometimes we will finally love ourselves and our children the way that you could never love us. That doesn’t mean we don’t love you. It only means that our children need and deserve us more, because they are our responsibility. You are not. I guarantee you that if you actually tried, we would all be right there. Wanting nothing more than for our mothers to finally be happy and stable. It is when you do not try, that we have to finally say good bye. We may not understand what it is like to be you, but you will never understand what it is like to be us; the true victims of this situation.
Compassion has it’s very distinct fences with BP. I know, I have BP and am taking medication and my mother is BP/ narcissist/socio-path (diagnosed) in denial. After a lifetime of emotional abuse in one form or another (whether that has been theft of my assets-savings-inheritance or the current lawsuit she is attempting to extract tens of thousands of from me over financial services or verbal abuse when I was young or “monster mommy” when she raged as we gaped in disbelief and dismay), I have finally begun the task of extraction. It is a strange thing to read the comments of folks who are so vehemently “against” the symptoms of an illness, as if it is a choice when one is suffering the ravages of an infestation in the mind. The only choice is whether to accept your diagnosis and then to accept and administer your treatment. When you give up your need for identity around your disease, and see your mental mantle and its sickness as a cancer or a virus or any other malady that should and can be healed, then and only then can you be mended with those who love you.
I have chosen treatment, and my mother has not. I have had to remove her from my life because she is simply too toxic for me and for my children. I will miss her for the rest of my life . I will love her for longer. But I cannot ignore the boundaries that should be set between an ill and angry and ludicrously impish (well, see, it’s that one that makes it so hard to sever ties) person. I was about to be divorced when I started treatment for my own BP and it saved my Life. Dealing with my BP mother not being medicated has been impossible, to where now she has escalated the drama of our life to this outrageous lawsuit. This is a cautionary post especially for those who are BP offspring of BP parents, make sure you are on meds and if you are and they aren’t, consider a very arms-length relationship.
I need help. I’m 33, have two kids. My bf recently moved here from Texas about 3 months ago. My mom is bipolar (manic at times)… She lives with us. She doesn’t like my boyfriend which she has absolutely no reason to not to. She keeps saying horrible things, acting childish etc. I don’t know what to do? I can’t handle her anymore. She’s in denial about being sick, you can’t talk to her about it cause she blows up. Everything is always about her. What do I do?
I’m 44, female child of a bipolar mother. I cut ties 4 years ago and have had the most peaceful four years of my life. She had alienated me from the rest of the family (both sides…her side and my father’s side), so I had to walk away from EVERYONE. It was lonely at first, but I have gained my life back. My husband and children couldn’t be happier. I get to choose who enters my life, and I’ll never have to deal with her lies and denial ever again. Every holiday was ruined by her…she tried to ruin my wedding, and every Christmas, every birthday, every Mother’s Day. Now I get to enjoy those holidays in peace. There’s nobody there to tell me how awful I am or to remind me of my failures or to bring up every little thing that ever went wrong. She gets to take her misery somewhere else…because this girl chooses to be HAPPY and I broke the cycle….yay!
I am a 38 bipolar mother of a 8year old kid, the love of my life… I tell her all the time. I’m concerned about what will her future after having me in her life. I don’t if I’m bad, if Ihurt her very often… I see the psychiatrist every 15 days and she is seeing a psycologist every week, cause she’been having problems at school with relathionships.
I am not sure if what I am about to leave will be okay or not but here it goes…
I’ve been reading some of y’all’s stories and they have broken my heart mine may be a bit different. My 25 year old son was just diagnosed by a therapist due to all of his nasty, off the wall hateful (out of control down right mean ) outburst, which could be caused by saying or asking any wrong question. On a good day il throw in he is the sweetest, happiest, hard working man I know. Yes he is living at home the reason right now is 1 he is saving for a house but my daughter was killed in a domestic incident and since then that is what triggered the bad part of these out burst. He has always I guss had them. Just more understood now. Anyway I am constantly been in told how awful I am for the way I grieved, or how I wasn’t there for him, he doesn’t want to live he hates life, he can be distrust I’ve at times. And half the time he doesn’t remember it. I am new to these major out bursts. I am just skiing the top. How do you handle these? Do you walk away? And how do you deal with the pain? Thank God for therapy? I don’t know how to approach him to get him to a psychiatrist it was by chance he was unofficially diagnosed at my appoint by my therapist who it was a pretty cut and dry diagnosis. But she doesn’t prescribed medication. I’m lost and hurt. But iv lost 1 child I don’t what to loose my other one.
Lost mothere
I have a bipolar mother. I’m a 17 year old girl who lives with my mother and little brother. My brother and I see our dad every other weekend. My mother has been hospitalized two times due to psychosis. She took meds when I was younger but has quit taking them. She doesn’t want to take them because according to her they made her emotions smaller and made her depressed. I don’t remember how she was when she took them so I can’t say if she was more “normal” back then. I think she is maniac right now. She screams a lot. She can be so mean.
She has had and still has it hard. Her friend’s boyfriend threatened to kill her and the police has done nothing about it. She has a hard time making ends meet. She has a lot of drama going on with other people too. The sad thing is she wouldn’t have all this drama if she wouldn’t be so aggressive. They simply don’t understand her. I have to listen to her anger for these people a lot. It’s frustrating and makes me sad.
I have no one to talk to about my mother expect her. I’ve grown to become quite angry with my relatives. They’ve never talked to me about my mother’s sickness. They haven’t sat me down when I was younger and explained what is going on with my mother. I just read an article about what to say to a child whose parent has been diagnosed with bipolar. I cried. Not even my dad felt that he was responsible to talk to us about my mum.
I haven’t told any of my friends. They’re all from “normal” families. I feel like they wouldn’t understand. They probably would but I’m scared. I’ve hid so much from them and can’t just take that first step anymore.
I want to move away from home. I can’t take it anymore. But I don’t want to leave my brother alone with my mother. I still have one year left of high school. I don’t have money to move away. I could ask my father to pay my rent. That’s the only thing he ever has been good supporting me with – money. But I don’t want to leave my brother.
I want to scream at my mother. I want to punch and kick her and make her listen to me for once. At the same time I feel this sympathy for her. She has it so hard and still manages to take care of us. I wish I had someone to talk to. I wish my mother would be normal. Like my friends’ mums. But that’s not going to happen, is it? I’ll just have to pray that I make it one more year, that my brother wont lose his mind with my mother and that my relatives would grow some balls.
*edited for profanity
Hi. I don’t know who else I can speak with. My mother has bipolar, but she doesn’t know it. It is impossible to be around her, one minute she is happy and the next she is filled with anger. It is very emotionally difficult to keep up with her emotions and logic. She thinks that her way of doing things are the right way and if we choose a different (more logical) way then we are the foolish ones. Sometimes I think to myself ‘how can a mother be so nasty to their own child’. One minute she is proud of me and then in the same day that can be reversed to disappointment which is so hard on me emotionally as I am now 18 years old and have lost my father a year ago. I feel alone and feel as though I cannot talk to anyone about this. This is my last resort. I want to run away from home nearly every day of my life. When I do something that she isn’t happy with she says “What would your dad say if he was here” or “you wouldn’t do this if you dad was here”. The fact is, I was very close to my father and we had such a close bond, I was on the verge of a breakdown and felt depressed every day as I still had to attend school; this was just a reminder of what happened so I despised school. I do no know how to cope anymore, I’ve feel as though I have tried everything. I am helpless.
I hear everything you say and it goes right to my heart. I am now 30 years old and I’m still dealing with my mother and her unstable and selfish ways. I left the house as soon as I got out of high school. I never went back after I felt. I will say separation was better but I still couldn’t handle all the verbal abuse I would receive from her over phone calls or short visits. I also lost my dad when I was 15. My dad was married to another women and lived in FL so I wasn’t able to live with him or I would have before he died! I think if he was still alive I would have been old enough to leave my mother and live with my dad , but life gives you heart ache and takes the good ones too soon. I wish I could give you answers that will take away your pain but I know i can’t . I have a wonderful husband and 3 children now and I know that I can’t help my mom anymore and I have to think of my family first as I don t want her to ruin me and my family. She is in denial that she has Bi Polar. She was treated for depression when she was admitted to a hospital years ago for trying to commit suicide and now she states she will never take medicine again for that… unfortunately she has ruined all relationships around her. When I detached my self from her for a year I never felt so could.. the minute I let her slowly in it starts again and I start feeling pain. I can tell you this…. you can’t help her if she doesn’t want to help her self.. I could go on but if you want to chat more about this I am hear… Its nice to know we are not alone and others deal with the same issues.
I’m 31 and my mom is also bipolar. I haven’t spoken to her for a while, even though so continues to try to contact me. She is a liar. She lies to me, and about me. You can email me if you like. mbmedl02 (at) cardmail.louisville (dot) edu
No one ever bothered to talk to me about my mom’s illness either. My dad also gave me financial support, and no more. I believe he is a narcissist.
*edited to reduce spam email
My advice is to seek a therapist to talk to. Not because there is anything wrong with you, but to get experienced, informed information to help you deal with unhealthy people. You probably won’t find anyone that will understand what you are going through, but a therapist will understand and can offer you unbiased perspective and advice. Sometimes we need therapy because we are ill, and sometimes we need therapy because someone in our life is ill. There is no shame in that. My mom is bipolar too, and the blame and guilt game they play is too much for any child of any age to handle. It will never stop hurting, because you will always want to have a mother. You can’t fix her, you can’t help her. You can only help yourself.
I am bipolar. I have been doing well for the past year. I retired which has helped me tremendously. I am 52 years old. My three adult children and I met with my psychologist to make the decision that I leave my educational career of 27 years. I have read some of the posts and I a m becoming alarmed. I am concerned about what I must have put my three children through as they were growing up. All three are successful, but live away from me. My 78 year old father is acting irrational and has shown signs of being bipolar for many, many years. He his being a Bully to my brother, mother and me. We live in isolation and insanity. Even my own children do not understand the magnitude of stress he carries in all of our lives. I get along best with him, so it’s been decided that I should discuss with him that he needs to take medication to calm his nerves. This will be a major undertaking. All the while I’m wondering what I’ve done to my own children.
Thanking my lucky stars I found this.
My mum has bi-polar and decided to stop taking her meds before I fell pregnant with my daughter. I had her stay to help me when she was born and it was a living nightmare.
I was feeling in over my head with sleep deprivation along with all the worries that come with being a new mum and having to tip-toe around my mum while she was in a manic state, she would happily stare at me with the baby all day, forgetting completely that she was there to help me. When I bought it to her attention that I needed her to help around the house and help me. She flew off the handle. It may sound selfish to some, but it is not. I make excuses for her to myself, allowing her to say some terrible and awful things to me.
She is living with my husband and I at the moment until the end of winter as her cancer is back and she is having treatment again, I was with her for everything the first time around, this time with bubs, it’s not possible to be dragging her along with me so I can take my mum to appointments, but just having her living here is like walking on eggshells all the time. We got on so well and my mum was so much better on her meds, but now she is a stranger, if d even go as far as to say horrible, hurtful monster in my mums body.
I don’t even cry anymore. That concerns me. When things kick off with her, it always used to make me so upset, but in the last couple of weeks, it hurts, but it’s as though she has no longer got that effect on me as though something between us is inrevackably broken or lost.
My mum is bipolar and I sometimes don’t know how to deal with it. I try to ignore it and pretend it’s not there, I never talk back just sit there and take whatever verbal abuse she may be yelling at me. Obviously if you know someone with the disorder you know that the person isn’t always mean and most of the time they are your loving parent but I’ve found over the years her illness has really affected me emotionally and how I act in relationships. When I was younger I would lock myself in my room and cry. If a teacher even mildly gave put to me I would go into a panic attack and I could never ever stand up to bullies because I would break down in tears before I could even get a word out but as time went by and crying became all too common I became emotionally unattached. Now I can’t cry I have no emotions towards a lot of abuse. But if I get too invested in something or someone they’re the only thing that can move me. Therefore I have become Unreliable as a friend and as a partner and I find it hard to make lasting connections with people. I would say I’m a very sociable person and have lots of friends but only really care about 10 people. I should also mention my mum is in denial. She has never once told me she is bipolar and I have never asked her either the only reason I know is bc my GP asked me how her illness was affecting me. I always kind of knew though like in the back of my mind I always questioned how normal my childhood of items being thrown out the window and the repetition of my life was ruined when I had kids I wish I never had you. It was completely not normal and I hate to admit it but I did think it was. As time has moved on I feel myself becoming a worse and worse person like my light is slowly being put out. I look to the future when my encounters with my mother are scheduled and I have my own family so I can give my kids everything I never had. All things aside I love my mum and that’s the hardest part
Hi, I’m 20 year old female and my mom has short term memory loss and she’s been diagnosed as bipolar. This all started in 2012 and I was 16 I didn’t know what was wrong with her I just knew she was different. What makes things in the household worse is she is a smoker and a drinker. She doesn’t listen to me and he wants her way all of the time . She doesn’t care about her children all she wants is her cigarettes and beer and when she does have any she has fits like a child.. I am currently outside with my cat in her cage because she kicked me out… Ik if I give her cigarettes she will let me back in but I refuse.. and when they rub out she will start getting angry at me again. I don’t know how to drive no one ever showed me how so I can’t escape .. my family doesn’t know what me and my brother go through SMH and my mom acts different when she is around them.. I don’t have friends because I’m too embarrassed of my mother and the way she acts.. does anyone have ADVICE???
Hello, I am a lifelong survivor of an abusive BP mother and turning 40 this year. When I was quite young, my father died saving a family friend and I’d spent my youth attributing my mother’s wild behavior to having witnessed this during late stage pregnancy and having to leave her dead husband behind dragging 3 children through the wilderness to seek the help of strangers. They fought from time to time prior to his death, sometimes with weapons so I never had a time when parents were ‘all there’. I spent most of my youth being drug through strange events at all hours, alternately abused and praised for ‘intelligence’. At some point my attempts to leave were succesful and I spent the end of my teen years wondering how my very out of control parent could hop from one psychologist to another (all unrelated, no files to refer to) screaming the whole while how CPS had conspired to turn her children against her. In my 1st decade away from drama, I tasted sweet sweet stability and the bottomless resentment ‘what the hell did I ever do to you?’ took a back burner- I turned my back on the BP beast. I fell in love, we started our own family, and my partner tried to convince me that things change- Give her another chance. My body screamed out in frozen shock and antipathy till it shook uncontrollably, but the idea was brought up repeatedly as though my confessions were exaggerations. Eventually I accepted communication, and at first saw the incredibly charismatic, compassionately witty, and powerfully imaginative character others experience ‘from the outside’. Mere months later her mania took full effect and we were drawn into a truly insane world of delusion, religious righteousness, witness to a full on persecution complex manifested. Behind all our backs a careful charade played out, with a different personality and agenda to each face she told her tales to, and none of us the wiser. As I would again and again in the future, learnt too late to distrust my mother’s ‘busy’ boundary pushing nature. My husband was sent to prison for 2 years, my son was taken into state custody for nearly 1 year, and all because police departments and CPS were manipulated by the very woman who’d accrued a massive file from abusing both me and my sibling… I ordered my own 3,500+ page abuse history from CPS and waited for it to arrive, 2 and a half months after paying several hundred for this tome my child was returned to me, the judge presiding grave that I leave and never contact her again, my husband’s charges were dropped and we moved to another state. My god, could such hell have ended so abruptly? But we all must live, and years later I’d stupidly stumble across my dysfunctional family only to endure the most incredibly unbelievable events, bereft of all semblance of normalcy and utterly disconnected to any rationale, unable to make the most basic of choices because I was eternally baffled at how the simplest of scenarios blew horrifically out of proportion with a swiftness no hurricane ever held (as only life around an untreated BP person can lead to). As an adult I’ve attended alcoholics anonymous meetings in such a desperate state lying that I struggled with substances, just to find a moment of peace or clarity, BECAUSE: I slowly realize the horrible manipulation of authority and high she gets from it is starting yet again; Her whispered stories to her friends that I am an anorexic prostitute (on crack of course because why not) are circulating; the plumbing/electrical/furnace/etc is shot and someone has to handle her house; I’ve promised to pay her overdue bills and naturally found myself amid a schizophrenic’s exorcism with no vehicle nor transportation away from remote areas; I’ve allowed her friend to store his belongings packed up to the ceiling in the middle of my home with no contact and then been accused of robbing him (when he suddenly appeared after over a year without contact and a big screen tv that was supposedly there is missing!); I’ve found my mother lying like a dog on Oprah sounding for all the world that greedy caseworkers destroyed her family- as though she were a saint who cared the least for my basic survival; The massive hoarding and inevitable PODS/trailers/storage units/etc which surface, the discovery of CASES of empty & expired cough syrup bottles which littered her room when she ‘was cured of asthma by God’ (and refused to continue her inhalers); I have been treated sorely as one would not do their own enemy, and am haunted by articles of others who haven’t been so lucky to have lived through the same things I suffered by her hands. For those who bitterly mock my words, Ive NEVER known an ounce of rest since learning my mother is afflicted with Bipolar disorder, there is no solace. There is only a desperate sort of hell, in which you aspire to know the symptoms and treatments, and push everyone away so as not to offend them with your broken psyche which may be predestined to blow up in everyone’s faces like a pipe bomb. I can run from my mother, but I will never forget her father carried this curse as well (bless his POW heart) and the entire slew of deranged debutante heiresses his own insincere mother was born into and of. Knowing all of their descendants have a mighty high rate of the sorts of fortune and tragedy that mark this disease. There’s only a cold horror knowing no one you love will ever truly be safe, and that for all her shitty madcap antics, your own worst enemy would have been such a wonderful human after all if it weren’t for this dead end and the myriad methods by which one may hang themselves with it.
Eloquently put. I’ve escaped my mother for a few months. I deal with weekly emails from her (she’s been blocked from all other avenues). She’s sorry, she wants to see the kids, excuses, etc. I have equal sympathy and hatred for her. I don’t know if she’s so detached from reality that she believes her own bullshit, or if she secretly journals all of her triumphs at sabotaging her own family. Your story makes me afraid to let her see my kids. I’m not sure what she is capable of. I stopped speaking to her after threats to lay my shit bare, after she accidentally texted me, about me. So as she had already betrayed me, her response was to threaten me with ultimate betrayal, rather than simply apologize. Why couldn’t I just have a normal mother? I have no intent on making amends with her, although I would let her see the kids if they WANTED to see her (but they don’t). They have said that if she willtreat her own daughter “like that”, why wouldn’t she eventually treat them the same. Of course it is me keeping the kids from her, turning them against her. She has done all of that on her own. How sad that she put your family through that. I never considered my mother might go that far.
My heartfelt empathy to you & yours, Megan. It is yours alone to determine suitable conditions and boundaries necessary, then to uphold and cut off all communications when those are broken- I’ve married friends who co-create these with the BP under treatment. And the everpresent disquiet that comes of repeat performances entitles you to do what you must, because your children come first (mine say they are fine without such influences, seeing how screwed up I am in contrast to ordinary adults). When one matures under the ever present oppression of other’s emotions in overdrive, there’s no place for your own and indeed we may come to question why we harbor any feelings at all for the very people who’ve shown us this dark glimpse of hell. Our lot is to anticipate another’s mental state with an almost psychic acuity, to detriment of never holding space for our own selves. When we gain our own ground and find our voices it’s frightening I feel, to many and oddly unfathomable that banal, everyday things should hold such significance- we’ve a personal perspective that may seem petty or insignificant to those who’ve never been exposed to ’emotional erosion’… a Bipolar Parent in episode will take this ‘sense of self’ as umbrage against them with all the aplomb they may muster… By keeping journals, coming together and listening, reading, sharing and learning may we cope with this disease and trust our instincts or even evaluate and evolve them! Ours is a highly attuned subconscious ‘second sight’ compensating for the debilitating inability to do the smallest things otherwise. As to BP instability, there are many factors to intensity & focus of episodes, and not every episode is the same despite sharing similar themes or treatment. We become masters of passivity to keep the peace (at risk of being blamed for exaggeration, as well as ‘enabler’ accusations) in times of extreme duress… we ‘know’ in their right minds, our loved ones are better than the sad states we’ve seen them reduced to, and endured. I’ve come to see that the steroids and asthma medication my mother has taken her entire life, daily, compounds her condition producing a hypercycle unlike usual BP spectrum. The depressive or manic types appear to me very clearly as ‘lethargic/heavy/crippled’ or the ‘anxious/overactive and energetic’ (disconnect from life, ability to relate or experience being depressed, whereas intensity of emotions residing frequently in the manic); as my own mother lived in ‘benders’ of 3 to 9 months followed by a few days of complete catatonia. I’m understanding her mental state includes precious little short term memory (or ability to recall actual long term memory, often substitutes other stories as her own experiences). It does seem something like sleepwalking, or living in a dreamlike, fog state. I can say that anything my mother is able to take basic notes on, has provided the backbone to her overall success in many projects. However many times non-essential lists give way to some intriguing- interspersed with insane- ramblings. Her religious fervor is overlooked as a ‘purpose’,and these semi coherent writings are tolerated if not expected as some diction from divine sources- this is an interesting component as it serves to shield her troubled mind from scrutiny, church providing a sort of shelter from civil decency under presumption that such a helpful and knowledgeable christian is under a higher authority than humans and somehow ought to be absolved of any questioning or doubt. I find unchecked power and lack of accountability a toxic combination for most people, heaven forbid for BP sufferers. I do hope that some of this may be of use to you or at least a guiding beacon in the darkness to better places.
As I got older I would understand more and more, that my mothers way of thinking was just not normal. Her being bipolar, made me miss out on a lot so far and I’m only 15. Sometimes it just gets to the point where I have to go out because she’s always blaming me for something I didn’t do. But then she says I can’t go out because I grounded for whatever. Literally. Her childhood was full of, wanting attention. She always says that she hopes I have bipolar when I’m older and I can go through the same thing. Sometimes I will wake up, not even out of bed yet and she wI’ll already be mad at me from something I did last month. She would go for happy to mad like that. It was horrible but not even I would be able to do anything. I’m not saying this to sound mean or anything but she would get jealous that I was going out with my friends and stuff. Then she would alwaysay bring up stories about her and my dad and how their lives were perfect. Like okay.
I’m 46, single mother with an 8 year old daughter. I’m dealing with monatery problems while dealing with medical problems. My mother is bipolar and I think has been since I was a child. She and I didn’t have a loving relationship growing up. I’m completely torn inside with what I should do. I’ve had to barrow money from her to stay afloat. Money I intend to pay her back. I have a well paying career but right now I’m dealing with the possibility of having MS. In the last year and a half we started to have more of a relationship. What I’ve learned is that with ALL her medical problems she doesn’t take her medication for days or even weeks at a time. I know this because in one day I picked up 15 different medications. So when she’s up she’s up and when she’s down she’s down. I find it very sad that she can be so manipulative, down right mean and cruel. I’ve seen how she treats her friends (they don’t last) and family members. She’s nice sometimes but very rude and cruel most of the time.
I have one older sister and she has cut our mother off from her life. I’ve come to respect and understand my sisters choice. It’s to protect herself and her family. I get that. One day my daughter and I left my moms house and my daughter looked at me in a very calm voice said “I don’t think Nana loves me”. Heartbreaking. If she wasn’t my mother…I would have nothing to do with her. I think I’m at the point mentally and physically that I need to build a wall in front of her.
Hi! I have a pi bolar mum, I’m desperate now. From an early age I realised she didn’t like me as much as my siblings. She could never control her temper pulling me by my hair punching kicking me. Dragging my brother out of bed by his hair to dunk him underwater. Anyway as I got older and bigger it turned to emotional abuse as s result I’ve suffered with bulimia for 15 yrs. I’ve recently just taken her on holiday, and surprise she said I was being horrible to her, we ended up having an horrendous argument and for once I my life I shouted back said things I shouldn’t of she began punching me. She got a flight home and has took to her bed. My brother and sister blaming me for it said I should have just sucked it up and let her rant!! I’m so low. I want nothing more to do with her, and I know I’ll loose my siblings who I love dearly. I can’t cope anymore.
I’m in shock at how many stories there are about this. The reason for my visit to this page is I’m in a situation with my mother-in-law living in our home because she has lost everything and we seem to be the only ones that were willing to shelter her. Her husband won’t let her come home, her bothers and sisters are detached, etc.. After living with her for almost a year now, I can understand why her family is detached, after all, I’m trying to figure out how to cope with her, or move out. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever battled with internally for sure. It is putting an incredible amount of stress on myself and her daughter/my wife. She is so self-destructive and lives in a poor me state most of the time, and causing a lot of stress in a pretty normal, stable home. We are raising two school age children which sheltering them from all is really hard but most days are focused on her state of mind. She also has an addiction/codependence on pain meds, self-medicates regularly and fluctuates between extreme depression, crying, or over intoxicated mania, annoying, inconsiderate behavior. She has no means of supporting herself and is unable to work in this condition. I know she was referred to a psychiatrist but is not willing to go. I’m really at an impasse as I don’t see this living situation as sustainable for very much longer….
If she’s not getting help, and you’re providing her with the home her family has been denying her, then you are ENABLING her. True, she may not seek help if you kick her out, but you shouldn’t make it easy for her to avoid it.
Hello,
I have bipolar1 and I am sensitive to medication, and I am not medicated appropriately. Still in the process. I hold a lot of my emotions to myself because of my mothers judgements of me. My mother, She also has bipolar, but has never told me which one. And never discusses it with me.. She gets mad really quickly, and says shame on me if I become extremely moody. Example if someone is playing loud music all day and night. And I verbalize my feelings.. A dark deppression comes over me, and anger, because the music is so loud. I always regret telling her. I love her very much, and sympathize with her, because her emotions can switch very quickly as do mine. Being bipolar you can become two different people. I just hate having to pretend all the time with my mother that I’m fine. And on those rare moments when I can’t hide my emotion, and seek comfort, I do indeed feel her shame and discuss, for sharing my emotions…
My son will not believe that he is bipolar although he has symptoms for the last 10 years. He is 30. Very hateful towards his famiky, threatening, abusive. Had a load of friends but not anymore. Moves from one profession to next blames us for his failures
Well just when I thought we’ve been through it all and there could be nothing new under the sun, of course my bipolar mother has decided to run for a judge position and sheriff in her town. Yes, I posted awhile back about having the cops called on me and enduring years of repeated harassment and losing my kid to CPS because my mother is very convincing. I stoically await my bp mother getting her way & having to move to another continent to avoid these episodes. Here we go again.
I am 19 years old and my mom recently told my she had bipolar disorder. Learning this made a lot of sense, but did not make anything easier. Me going to college has made my moms disorder worse and I don’t know how I can handle this emotionally. A couple weeks ago my mom called me telling me she wanted to commit suicide and I made sure she was safe even though I’m many miles away. The constant worry and emotion changes she has are wearing on me and I don’t know how to deal with it.
Today my mother had an episode. She walked into my house, fussed for a while and then slapped me in front of my 2 young children (3 and 18 months). I am 35 years old. This is all because she got something into her head that was never said. This happens a few times a month. Usually, I just let it slide but the last few times I have stood up to her and held my ground. I see what happens now when I do. The last time she got mad at my step dad she pulled a gun on him and hit him several times in the groin and face. There is also a step sister with down syndrome in her home that she abuses i.e. hits upside the head when she gets mad to punish her but the amount of verbal and emotional abuse she bestows sometimes makes me feel so sorry for my step sister. My step dad is 73 and my step sister with down syndrome is 54. They can not take care of themselves very well. My mother likes to cause issues between my biological sister and me. She pits us against each other. Today, I called my sister who doesn’t speak to me or like to be in the same room with me and left a message that if she doesn’t see about getting mom help for her anger issues I will see about having her committed for a psychological evaluation. I can’t wait until she seriously injures or kills someone.
I don’t know if that is the right thing to do or not. I was so mad today that if my husband wouldn’t have been home I would have called the police to press charges. I shed a few tears but then stopped myself. My husband wants me to just leave it alone and us prepare to move out of state. He said his job can transfer him. He feels at the end of the day she is still my mother.
I hate how she just keeps getting away with things like this and never accepts responsibility for her actions. When she gets ready to apologize she’ll say, “you know I love you.” “you shouldn’t have made me mad.” etc…
I want my children to know their grandparents but I want so much to just cut her off. What makes it worse is when she goes to church and claims to be a christian. This episode happened this morning after she put a flag in her yard that said, “Thank Jesus.” In her mind, her slapping me, her yelling at me was justified. My sister won’t talk to me about anything so I feel isolated in this.
I have read maybe about 3-4 other stories on this before I decided to write my feelings on the situation . For the mothers battling illness I completely feel for you to the best of my ability of understanding the disease . I am a 32 new mother with a 52 year old mother that has recently been diagnosed as bi polar – For much of my life that I can remember my only request from god or whatever wishing well I could find was that my mom would find a way to be happy . It was apparent that love didn’t make her happy because she didn’t believe she was deserving of it , it wasn’t me because I could count a handful of times she ‘s ever said anything nice or maternal that didn’t make me shiver from the coldness and insincerity of it . I understand a person with this disease feeling hurt when people pull away or eventually shut you out – I also know how it feels to be 10 and stumbling across some medication that I thought I would take and hopefully
Die because to spend one more day feeling as lonely and worthless as I did couldn’t be much worse . I remember being told that she wishes I hadn’t been born and how I was a mistake and then blaming it on booze or hurt feelings that led her to say these things . I’ve given my fair share of chances and have broken my own heart over and over again just so she wouldn’t feel alone and in the end where has that gotten me ? I just had a baby 3 weeks ago – I’ve asked her to come see the baby several times and her excuse when she doesn’t come is that I don’t want her around ?! The madness and constant attention seeking is just too much for me to take anymore – I don’t have the energy for it and I’m afraid my heart doesn’t have the room left for it anymore due to the massive amounts of love and constant fear that I will ever have the same relationship with my child as she does me . It’s a scary situation for anyone to be in but I have to say it’s a lot harder on the people that actually know the truth and reality of what is going on . My heart goes out to all the families dealing with this
It’s mind blowing reading this. My mom has been extremely manic my whole life, but it wasn’t until this last episode at Christmas that I thought to do some research. I mean, I always knew my mom needed help, but I never realized how common this craziness is.
I am 34, and my whole childhood I dealt with a woman who on some days was the most amazing mom in the world and on other days was physically and emotionally abusive. I never knew how the day was going to go. This constant turmoil led to my own issues. My first suicide attempt was at age 11. There were a great many things that happened, but at age 15 I knew that I could never be OK living with her so I left. I went into a foster home and with the exception of a couple times I had no choice but to go home, I have been on my own since.
We had many many years of ups and downs. I went through a bout with drugs in my early 20s but thankfully started getting my life together around 25. Today I am married with an amazing husband, a wonderful job, and a great place to live. Turns out, none of this matters to my mother.
Every phone call with her is a crap shoot. I never know if something I say is going to throw her into a tantrum. She could laugh at a joke one day, then completely be offended the next. However, since I live on the other side of the country from her, I just tow the line and make sure I say and do only things I know she’ll be happy with.
This Christmas my husband and I went to go visit her for 7 days. We knew this was a risk, but we were optimistic. For the most part we were OK. Little comments and moments here and there but nothing really to bad. She was the good version. Then we went to do something, and my dad forgot the camera so she last her mind on him. Telling him to be a man and care about people other than himself. That only lasted a day and then Christmas day was amazing. Then it started to deteriorate.
The day we were leaving she only needed to keep it together for one more hour, but alas, it was too much to ask. She went to kiss me on the lips, and I kissed her on the cheek (cause that’s weird). She got all offended and stormed off. About 30 minutes later she came out and lost it. Like bad. She first started screaming at me saying how dare I tell her not to kiss me cause she’s my mother. When I tried to explain I just said kiss me on the cheek, she cut me off and started screaming at me to stop manipulating everyone. Wtf? Well I couldn’t take it anymore and fired back and she went nuclear. She started screaming at me and my husband and it just got worse..so many obscenities. Mind you, she’s extemely extremely Christian.
Any who, she said things you just can’t take back. She went so far as to disown me tellinng me that if I ever want a relationship with her I have to make changes in my life. She broke picture frames and sent me pictures of them telling me what a horrible person I am. She went on texting me for days until I finally blocked her. Now she has text my husband.
I don’t know what to do. I mean, she’s my mom. I’m just so tired of being made to feel like a horrible human being when she’s the one who needs help. I just want her to get help, but she never will. She thinks it is all me and that I’m evil and a manipulator and sinister. She made it really clear she does not like me and I just don’t know why.
Normally I just let her calm down and apologize for whatever she says I’ve done, but I’m over it. This time she went too far. My husband will never forgive her. He’s never seen anything like this and certainly had never been screamed at the way she screened at him. He refuses to ever be in the same room with her again.
For days after she text me that it was the last time she was going to contact me and that I was dead to her. Eventually I had to block her because I just couldn’t take another thing. I’m so conflicted. Part of me wants to send her a letter addressing all her accusations and plead with her to get help, but the other part of me knows it will only fuel her fire and it’s not worth it. I know she’s mentally ill and it just kills me that this may be it for us. I’ve seen comments from those suffering from the disease about how turning our backs on those that are ill is wrong, but how much does one take? Does loving her mean taking her verbal abuse my whole life and never holding her accountable for it? But then the good version of her loves me and cares for me again, until I don’t call her back fast enough or I say I love you in the wrong tone.
What on earth do I do?
You have to decide what your boundaries are, before making rules that when those boundaries are tested, she is on ‘time out’. No contact, no reacting, no being in the same place public or private- a bp cycling will turn the tables & destroy you in public- they have nothing to lose. If and when she comes out of her fit asking for you in her life, you can tell her to get help or buzz off. It’s not possible to have a relationship with untreated bp people, and if she denies it that is your answer. She makes the choice, you don’t need to play into her dramatics because they are not real; the choice to pretend her disease IS real.
Deepest sympathies, there is no easy way about it.
Update to this – After I blocked her text, she started emailing me. Horrible, horrible things. For months she harassed me. I tried to maintain radio silence, but the emails got more and more abusive. Eventually, it all came to a head. In the last email she sent me, she called me soulless and told me that I never loved her. We haven’t spoke since, which was in March. I think about it everyday. I feel so bad that I don’t have a relationship with my mom, there are so many good parts to her. She has the ability to be so amazing, but I know that having her in my life means I have to allow her to be abusive and controlling. It really sucks, but I have had to remove her from my life, at least for now. 😦
If anyone has any advice about getting someone to get help who won’t admit they need help, please let me know.
Update to the update – It’s now 7 years later, and I still do not have a relationship or contact of any kind with her. She is only progressively getting worse. She has no concept of reality anymore and her narrative is the only thing that exists for her. Since my blow out, my step-sister, step-brother, and two of her sisters have all stopped speaking to her because she is becoming more and more abusive. I am now in therapy and have had a lot of realizations. For instance, when I went into foster care, she told me none of our family members would take me because they were mad at me for leaving her. Come to find out, she didn’t tell ANYONE. I had a conversation with an aunt recently, and she was blow away but what I had to say, and told me that if she knew I needed a home, she would have gave me one. It was then that I realized the things my mother put me through as a kid were on purpose. All to fit her narrative.
Look – I see the mothers on here that talk about their own challenges and how they are trying and that they don’t want their kids to turn on them. But my mother isn’t that. My mother will never ever acknowledge that it’s even possible she could need some assistance. She will never believe anything other than everyone around her is plotting against her. That’s different. If my mom showed any sign of being willing to even try to get help, I wouldn’t be here. But that will never happen. So my boundaries remain firm. I have come to peace with the fact that you can love someone from afar.
Hi guys. Im 21 and for as long as I can remember my mom’s always been “strange”. She’d go on shopping benders with our rent money (which wouldn’t have been such a huge problem if she wasnt a single parent), start all kinds of projects she’d never finish, we were always either in a homeless shelter or sleeping in the car . Ive always had to be responsible if not for her than my two brothers and its been physically, emotionally and mentally draining. Recently Ive confirmed my mom is bipolar 2 while going through some of her paperwork. Which for me confirmed what I had already suspected. Seven years ago she started having these “episodes” which ive just found out are called mania but, my mother not only has maniac but shes has psychotic episodes at the same time. Well she has had these episodes every year for the last 7 years and sometimes it last for months and and she goes in and out of the hospital several times before the issue is resolved….my brothers are suffering because she holds onto them and subjects them to her crazy way of living. They want to get away from her but shes selfish. She needs them for her benefits and because they take care of her. I hate her for being this way. People bend over backwards to hekp her and she doesnt want the help. Shes angry, mean, vindictive and scary. When she gets like this im terrified she’s going to hurt someone but thats the only way an outside source would help us. Ugh some days I wonder would life be easier if she just went away. Like maybe we can just breathe and live with this bipolar cloud hanging over our heads.
Im scared of her but i feel like I have to be strong for my brothers. It happens so often its getting tiring like my mom is literally having a episode right now. Its snowing and there’s ice on the road..and i cant get to them. I feel helpless and I have nothing to say to comfort my scared little brothers. I cant have her committed, she wont take the meds, and legally if I take them she can take them right back in her maniac state( which shes done). I dont know if im making any sense and this was probably stupid to write out, i just needed to vent. Im exhausted and frustrated and ready for this to stop. Please pray my family and I also if anyone has any suggestions or has experience with a similar situation like this please could you share it with me. God bless.
My mother was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and I, being 16, am not sure how to handle her mood swings. She’ll go from fine to throwing things, slamming doors, and screaming at anything that moves. She thinks the entire world is against her, and I don’t know how to help her. She’s been extremely rude and hurtful to everyone in the family during her mood swings, even going so far as to tell me that I’m a whore at one point when I asked her if I’d be able to go to practice the next day. I’d rather her take it out on me than on my siblings, 9 and 10 years old, but I don’t know how to help lessen her mood swings. Whenever I try to talk to about it, she shuts down and says that I’m just a child that needs to learn my place. My step father has the emotional range of a teaspoon, and is usually a ticking time bomb of anger. I know her disorder is affecting her, and that she’s not taking it very well. But I also know that if things keep going the way they are now, then she’s going to end up seriously hurting herself and probably the family too. Does anyone on here know anything I can do to help her out?
Well hello. I’ve just come across this blog and I thought I’d post a little bit about my experience with my bipolar mother. I am 16 years old, and my mom was diagnosed before I was born. She knows she is bipolar, but she will not take meds or help. She even lied to her therapist about what goes on at home. She just continues to get worse and worse. Well, for as long as I can remember she’s been unpredictable. When I was younger, I just assumed everything was my fault and didn’t truly understand the effects of her bipolar disorder on me. She hit/punched/slapped/pinched/flicked me and called me names, and still does, only now it’s worse because I’m older and can tolerate more pain. Recently, when she hits me in the car, I’ve started to ask her why. She screams at me telling me not to ask why and hits me even more times. This tells me there’s really not a reason. I’ve been keeping track lately and in the past 2 months she’s threatened me 4 times and hit me/called me names 8 times. It’s all getting out of control. I’ve even contemplated suicide because of this. She found out that I cut myself, and hit me repeatedly. Unknowing of the fact that she caused me to cut in the first place. Guess she thoght she could beat the depression out of me, not to mention I have severe anxiety caused by her that has given me asthma. She has called me stupid, a simpleton, a bitch, silly, ridiculous, etc. I just wish my life were normal. Lately I’ve just been trying to detach myself from it but it’s hard. It’s hard to not be influenced by abuse from my own mother, especially since I have no friends other than my boyfriend. Sometimes I just want to die.
“There’s hope out on the horizon, from I light only I can see
I’ll take the last exit to freedom, the last chance to be free”
I am a daughter of a bipolar father. The situation is very complicated because my dad is a great person and one of the best dads around when he is not in one of his mood swings. He has been there for all my sisters and I when we need him and tells us that he loves us more than anything. My mom and dad got a divorce and it has been very hard for him. When ever he is in one of his mood swings he blames my mother for their divorce saying it is her fault that he hit her and it is the only reason they are apart. He once said to me ” you are a parasite who sucks up all my money” or “you should stop talking because you are only making yourself look stupid in my eyes” and ” you are worthless” and that’s just one example of his many outbursts. The worst part is, he does not know he is bipolar. He thinks this is because he was raised differently. We have no idea how to get him to realize his mental illness or get him help. His dad ( my grandpa) was bipolar but it was a worse case and my dad thinks there is no way he could be like that.
Its so incredibly heartbreaking having to parent your parent. I’m 16 and I seem to be the one who has to worry. When I’m supposed to be focused on school and sports I find myself wondering if I’m going to come home to my mother dead or alive. We have no relationship at all and at this point I don’t want one. I feel guilty for that I know she’s sick I know I need to have empathy and compassion. But I just don’t have it for her anymore. Its like she has physically sucked it out of me. I hope one day I can be more understanding.
This is probably the most rediculous thing I have ever done- after a fight getting online to read a textbook definition of your family and venting on an anonymous website. Since I was really little (17 now) I never thought of my mom as being any different than anyone else. Everything she does I just take as her being herself, that everything she does is just part of her personality. I try really hard in everything: never had anything below an A, take three hours of ballet a day, and work hard at our inhome daycare, but it is never enough. I can never do enough. I am always working And helping out with our daycare but she always tells be that I never do and that it’s not enough. I am an only child and she is a single parent- it’s just us and our plate is spilling over. I do everything I can to try and make her life easier but it’s impossible, it’s too much for us. After everyone leaves we are exhausted and pick at each other. It often ends in a screaming battle. She never hears me speak and everything always comes back to her and how I did something to HER. I get so frustrated that I tell my defense for no reason knowing it’s not going to do anything and it usually escalates to her pushing or throwing things at me. I feel so alone and defeated. I love my mom so much, it’s always been her and I against the world but sometimes I wish i had a sibling. Someone who knows what I live through. I can’t tell my friends at school how disfunctional eveything is. Our business doesn’t suffer from this, our family life is hidden, but it could if it was known. Besides, I don’t want anyone to know my part in the screaming, I just want to no be alone all the time, to feel like my efforts are enough. My church (lads or Mormon faith) values family soooo much, and we just don’t conform to everyone else, it’s so painful.
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry you are going through this. I too thought my moms outbursts were just “part of her personality”. It wasn’t until my husband, an outsider, saw it and told me just how crazy it is. I made the choice to leave home at 15 and went into the foster care system, but it was the hardest thing I had ever done. I have spent my whole life battling with her. Just try and remember that it is her illness, and not you. If she is like my mom, she lives in an alternate reality, and her actions are not based in our reality and therefore not a reaction to you. Not really. I know you’re under 18, so you are kinda stuck, but I suggest you start working on a game plan. Have an exit strategy for when you are 18. In the mean time, just try to keep your cool and don’t engage in the mania. The most effective way for me to deal with my mom was to just let her yell and scream and get violent and just not ever respond. I know that’s a lot on you, but if you don’t give her fuel, eventually the fire will burn out. The best of luck to you.
It made me feel so much better someone else feels this way. ❤
I’m a bipolar mom, age 55. I regret that I was not emotionally available for my children when they were teens. I allowed them too much freedom while I went out and did my thing. I made poor decisions that left them in unstable situations and left them vulnerable to alcohol and pot. I was so oblivious, wrapped up in my own stuff. I need up hospitalized, diagnosed, appropriately medicated, and in therapy. By the grace of God, my life is stable. I have 3 grandchildren and the 4th one on the way. I have strong relationships with my children and grandchildren. I live with such regret that I left my children to fend for themselves as a vulnerable age. They have forgiven me, but scars do remain.
I am a 25 year old single mum of 3. I am convinced I have bipolar i am sure I’ve had it for years I haven’t done anything about it. The past few months i have spiralled and I feel like a terrible mother. Hence why I stayed awake all night I am waiting to go straight to the doctors because I NEED help. And I want to get help to be a good mum. I couldn’t care less if I didn’t have kids I’d deal with it by expressing myself. But I can’t do that not when my kids need me to be the mum they deserve. I go through these phases of depression, anger, happiness, motivation and then poor judgement. Lately it’s been a mix of everything all the time. I love my kids with all my heart and I feel like I have ruined their lives enough I want to be normal and function normally. I just want to be consistent – I want a routine, I want to take them to the park, I want to stop being angry or crying and I want to stop being selfish. The biggest thing I want is to go to bed at night without guilt knowing that my kids are happy and well cared for and most of all know how much I love them. I hope that I can sort myself out for them. Because I want them to be happy and I want them to feel 100% secure.
Oh my gosh! As a child of a bipolar parent…thankyou! I no longer talk to my father because it is too much emotionally. I had a child die of cancer and the disease made my father say terrible things like I was trash and a terrible mother who killed my kid. My husband told me it was too much drama and he wanted me to take a break. It breaks my heart my father wont get help so we can see him. I want him to be apart of our lives, but he refuses to go get help. I have told my husband if he ever sees those same signals, to please tell me. I dont want to drive my kuds away from me. I’m so glad you can see it. I don’t think many parents can through the highs and lows of bipolar disease. Do it now and if your kids see you trying and getting help, they will help you too. Im so glad for you to try!!!
As a long suffering Mother of a BP Daughter who made family life a living hell with lies beyond shoking, as an adult she still screams at the top of her voice to her children who are abs terrified of her, my priority has always been my Grandchildren so when I tell her that she is terrifying them she cuts me out of her life byomaking up shocking lies why she has done so, here latest is. she was battered by me and her Uncle she was Teenager . She loves do nothing more than sharing her life on Face Book and this is whatl
she is publicly saying, she is one again making my life hell. Now I am banned from seeing my GRANDCHILDREN once again. I am no longer wanting to fight this losing battle with the DEVIL called bi-polar.. I am now walking away
Sounds like bipolar is genetic….
My bipolar diagnosis came at the age of 39 after a life long battle with anxiety, depression, and agoraphobia. I’m assuming that is why it went undiagnosed for so long.
I have six children. My oldest three teenagers have particularly terrible feelings toward me. I am only just understanding what I it must have been like for them and it’s horrifying to me. Their feelings are just as real and valid as my disorder. Since my diagnosis last year I signed away my rights. It’s a nightmare for me. I miss them every second of every day but it gives me joy to know they have a chance to have the rest of their childhood be normal. This may not be for everyone, but their father left us and left them with me and then I was a single parent. I think that’s when things began to rapidly deteriorate. Last year I had a minor stroke and nervous breakdown. I was put into a hospital for a few days and got the diagnosis of bipolar. God made it plain to me that the worst decision I would ever have to make was ultimately going to be the best decision for them. We are not mean, or at least on purpose. If someone had a brain tumor and it made them act aggressively, would they be ridiculed? Just as someone with cancer, my illness has no cure and can be equally as fatal. Just as my children’s
feelings are valid and real, so are mine and so is my illness. So is my suffering. It’s hell in my head all of the time.
hi Katie- As a child of a bi-polar parent I can see you recognize the disorder for what it is. I am so glad you are getting help. My father refuses to get help even though the disorder causes him to say awful hurtful things and we no longer talk. I am still shocked he is so headstrong about getting help that keeps him from seeing his grand kids. He is just angry all the time and no self empowerment of getting that help he desperately needs. It makes me so sad.
You are right, you can’t ignore it- you must treat it. Like a brain tumor or cancer, a person gets help or the disease takes over and eventually the body can’t fight it and dies. So with help (meds and counseling) for the bi-polar disease you are fighting back. In years from now, when your children are more grown, they will recognize that. Please don’t stop getting help, even when you feel good enough not to take those meds. That’s when most people quit and then spiral right back to where they were. If one med doesn’t work- keep looking. Don’t give up! You can do this! Continue through and keep fighting that sickness with all the help you can get. Just like cancer- when you give up or say it doesn’t matter…thats when the sickness wins and you lose. I tell my husband all the time- please tell me if you start to see me acting like my father. I want to get help before I drive everyone I love away. I know it is a sickness, but it must be treated if we want healthy relationships! May the Lord bless you with strength and courage as you fight this battle and progress towards a healthy mind and better place.
I lived with a sister whom I feel most had to have wanted help (and nurturing of course which we all did as we lost our Father in the middle of the night as he was a firefighter who passed away saving 3 lives that night… My sister was one of the first documented cases following Karen Carpenter so we were all VERY confused as to what we were witnessing…. I, myself shared a room with my sister who violently attacked us (as I’m sure her “some” disorder had to lend itself to the craziness and yet my everyday was anticipating what chaos was going to be present in my day.. and would my friend stay my friend after witnessing even a shred of what I saw ALL the time? The violence between her and my brother and my mother only progressed ( but thank God I was good at staying under the radar and only having to witness it versus be a recipient of it. I , however DID (which no one else had to) share a room with her and live amongst not only the violent temper threaded but the vomit filled hefty garbage bags and multiple vomit filled glasses in my drawers ( although I can remember my mother crying and yelling to her “for God’s sake, not in elllen’s drawers or her side of the closet!”… Awhhhhh, how sweet right? I did not even know the abuse I was living among! Im still alive as an adult (😔) but my sister since committed suicide jumping off the goldengate bridge…. I think we all just really very much yearned for warm, kind words of hope from our mother… Which I can only speak for myself, I NEVER received even after trying to fulfill her life with everything I thought she could ever want. How does one heal as an adult from that… And that is truly just a bit of it all…
I’ve never posted on one of these websites, but I need to see if others have had the same experience that I have. Context: my parents divorced when I was very young (4 years old). My childhood was spent trying to mediate the relationship between my mother and my father. At that age I held out a hope that one day they would figure things out and find their way back to each other. As I grew older, I realized that this was likely never going to happen. My Mother was fairly strict and hated my father. She would always tell me how awful he was to her and how much of a terrible father he was to me. My mother had near full custody of me so I only ever got to see my dad every other weekend. As a result I began to dislike my father and even distanced him from my life. A mistake, since we have so much in common and get along really well. Eventually as I grew into my teens, me and my dad grew really close and my mom was always jealous of this (I think?) She often would paint things black and white whenever they would argue, claiming that she always had to be the bad guy while my dad got to play the good guy. Now I know that things are never as plain and simple as that, but my mom always saw things in this way. If I was not on her side, I was just as bad as my father. As I gained friends in high school and started to form my own individuality, my mother and I fought more and more. It seems whenever she gets angry she lashes out and can’t control the things she says. She has said things to me along the lines of “I deserve better from you”, “why do you hate me?”, and any other buzz line that creates guilt. She often puts words into others mouths, jumping to conclusions about what others think of her. My entire childhood revolved around caring for my mother during her depressive phases and walking on eggshells during her manic episodes. Things got even worse in college. She didn’t like not knowing where I was or what I was doing (I was often studying with my girlfriend at the time) she seemed determined to control my life even though I was away at school. A time when I should be becoming more independent and autonomous. This escalated until my senior year when I cut all contact after she flipped out on me for only spending two days of my spring break with her and the rest with my other family and friends. Something in me snapped and I ended up running away to my dads apartment, where he drove me to the airport the next day. All the while my mother is sending accusatory and hurtful messages to myself, my dad, and his girlfriend for weeks. It was at this point I decided to cut contact with my mother due to the stress of finals and my job. I eventually had to be the first to apologize, even though I didn’t think i did anything wrong. It was clear though that if I wanted to have a relationship with my mother that I would always have to be the one to apologize. To this day she has never apologized to me, my father, my family members, or anyone else she has lashed out at. In fact she denies everything. She is one of those people who could rip you apart with her words and then act like nothing was said the next day. After moving back home and struggling to find work, I was constantly bombarded with criticisms of what I was doing wrong, emasculating me while demanding I help her with every errand, chore, or frivolous task that needed doing. (Things I’ve had to do my entire life) I was practically her assistant without pay. A year later of this and I snap again and go no contact with her. It was due to a fight we had, I was trying to explain to her that when I get sad/ down/ depressed, that I need to be left on my own to work through it. She has a habit of telling people to just get over it whenever anyone is sad. “Pick yourself up”, “shake it off”, or “what you should be doing…”. She took offense when I told her that this doesn’t make me feel better and accused me of thinking that she was a monster. It eventually escalated and she started in on me with her routine of attacking me and not trying to talk to me. I packed my things, explained my reasons for leaving and said that I couldn’t handle this type of treatment any longer. I effectiviley cut her out of my life for my own sanity. Since then my anxiety, stress, and anger have subsided and I no longer hate myself or feel like I’m responsible for how others feel. After 5 months and some email exchanges, she ambushed me at my work demanding to talk with me during my shift. It again devolved into guilt trips, personal attacks, and manipulation. I am currently at my wits end and don’t know how else to handle this situation. I fear that at any moment my mother will come into my work and make a scene, resulting in me getting fired. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Hi Philip I am 52 yr woman My Daughter who is now 35 has controlled our family her whole life. She has Personally disorder, she makes my life a living hell, I have come to accept this is who she is always has been and will never change, you have done the right thing to distance yourself it’s the only way you will have a life. Lies, hatred and accusations will never stop, Don’t allow yourself to feel guilty
I had a step mother who would wake me with a shot-gun. she would put her drugs in my food. she would draw all over my walls with crayons and then when my father came home from work would flip and scream about how I was doing all of this …and would not listen to me as explain she did this.
I would really get in trouble and she knew what she was doing.
I had to move back to a home where I was being raped. The lack of responsibility was enormous. If a person is so dangerous that your ruining another persons life and we want to color it with some kind of understanding moment because “psychology today” magazine got big post the 60’s movement; Bite me. It’s not about understanding an over diagnosed mental illness! Even on meds she was just as crazy, in different ways. My father has serious mental issues; He being with her gave him an accomplice to get away with so much that he should have been locked up. And people from the outside world looking in were unable to see the real truth which still causes problems for me to date. Because mental health protects people from taking responsibility for really bad behavior that they can not control; Perhaps that is true for actual cases, I have seen it, I know it is real. But removing or having “NO” access to health means that we rely on those around us still even today to rationalize situations; what a dangerous ability to act out a thought. Yet, sex offender registry is in full force. WHY? Because WHY. They CANNOT CONTROL THEMSELVES… Right? So you can have a registry for one mental illness but not for the plethera… Really? Mental Illness is just that. And until we stop segregating it because having bi-polar is not a threat – you are wrong! It most certainly is a threat and it is scary when you are actually capable of reasonable thinking. Which btw I have found is really rare.
I am someone who has been through a lot – I can tell you stories.. But the idea that oh’ I was sick but now I am better because I take my meds now. Uh huh.
No. No.
This is not okay! What if your just an a**hole that can destroy or even murder another person with chemical deficiency. We see all the time. But why is mental illness for pedo’s only charted for public use?
For everyone else, your an a**hole! It’s everywhere today this is this and that is that… O’Cmon. Also, there are children who are get adult sentences and they have not even grown up yet? I mean we barely make it on this earth day-to-day! It’s amazing how humanity has not capsized yet. Really. Just look at what we have done to our world? We ruin food. We destroy the environment. We manipulate others to the point where someone else wants to create a law because of lack reasoning skills. No real foot prints today people its all become a cloud. It was only 10 years or so ago that the Cloud you were in was a metaphor. Today. It’s not.
The MEDS only help because your not far enough off in the first place. You never really work to get someone to not be an a**hole. I mean you can be bi-polar but if you are a selfish arrogant tool in the first place, now your capable of doing some really messed up stuff getting clarity. Because that extra lithium will provide focus. I say that because most people who are on this drug are mis diagnosed and this is not just with bi-polar its everywhere.
People getting hurt is people getting hurt – and bi-polar dementia is real and there is no reason why we should not have sites for mental illness and not just for one small fragment of it, being sex-offenders. laughable. It is nice lithium does work to an extent for the arrogant mis-diagnosed a hole out there. My step mother is not bi-polar. Yet, she does have the meds, the diagnosis and walks the walk. NEVER has she had dymentia, never has she slipped her eyes have always been present. She has a great crutch when both of them should have been locked up years ago let me tell ya.
It was not until I was much older and a friends husband was with bi-polar and I would go out at night to help her find her husband — when in a dementia state. Sorry to break the news to most of the articles I have read on here, but acute bi-polar diagnosis is prescribed because being an A**hole can’t make anyone money. And that foes for sex, murder all kinds of stuff. We have so many names to throw at Sh&t but no one uses their own.
I give humanity 20 years tops!!!
I am a suffering Mother who’s Daughter was recently diagnosed as Bi-P, but my life of hell with her honestly, I say they should also mention Personality Disorder, as that to me means exactly what it says on the tin, PERSONALITU, the nature of the person, giving people with wicked personalities an excuse to say it’s not them and they can’t help it outrages me. My Daughter is a wicked B…..d. she makes my life a living hell, but gets away with it, she doesn’t get on with any her Neighbours and her Kids suffer her horrific aggressiveness, she lies through her teeth to get what she wants and by this I mean she’s such a great liar when it comes to claiming benefits it makes me sick
These past 5 days I have turned around for the first time in my 42 years to confront an NPD mother who has recently started verbally abusing my sweet daughter as badly as she verbally abused and insulted me. I lived away from home for 23 years for good reasons, but recently had to move back. I ignored her outbursts mostly for the past year that it has been financially necessary to live with her, but touch my child and you’re toast. There is nothing more satisfying than hauling *ss as a middle aged adult on the aggressive, belittling NPD of someone who should have really loved me as a vulnerable child and didn’t. The second my daughter started getting it my hackles went up and now they’re verbally shooting like poison porcupine quills. I spent my childhood terrified and walking on eggshells. Now it’s time for the momster to get force fed 42 years of her own poop omelet.This is how I have hauled *ss on NPD. Everyone gets precisely what they feed me AND my daughter, in true Anton LaVey fashion. No more benefit of the doubt, no more giving an inch. If you feed us kindness, you will eat kindness. If you feed us sh!t, you will eat sh!t. It is now your choice what you want to eat at my table, because I will feed to you exactly what you feed me, goodness matched with goodness, force matched with force.The rules apply to everyone. NPD is not healed with kindness, it feeds on kindness, and I will always have to keep feeding it at my expense until I decide to smack it down. The later I do this the more traumatic the change to everyone; negative for the NPD, positive for me. Otherwise NPD always takes the advantage. When NPD takes the advantage, I must take the superior position immediately.My daughter came down half an hour ago to tell me that the bullies at her school aren’t giving her so many problems because she’s been standing up to them the last several days- corresponding, of course, to me finally turning around and shouting down the sugar monster, (my mother). When it comes to kids, what happens at home happens outside. Standing up to a parent with NPD will always have positive repercussions, no matter how much cupboard-slamming she does or silent treatment I get for barking down the sugar monster when my child is harangued, belittled, or insulted out of turn. She roars, I roar louder, she serves me sh!t, I feed it to her, until the only options left are silence, communication, and kindness.As Bill Hicks said, we have a choice between fear and love. If your narcissism gets in the way of loving me, and I have given you the ten thousand chances that an emotionally wounded child gives any parent, (and I gave this woman chances that included a sexually humiliating episode when I was 12 where I was not allowed to apply my own thrush/yeast medication because she wanted to “protect my hymen”, which was just pervertspeak for her own fscked up twisted curiosity) then by perdition’s forces and all the hellspawn of the Abyss, you will fear my verbal fangs upon your ego until you address me exclusively with kindness.
Wow so much pain here, If I could reach out and give you all a collective hug that felt like you were really loved – I would. I struggle about MD – a card gets her satisfied and I aviod contact and drama. My great joy and deliverance from the unending pain and nonsense is to Study normal people and adopt their actions and atitudes. Healthy people cooperate, solve problems encorage others /treat you with respect, because its who they are. Im a christian and have been attracted to unhealthy people my whole life- i get it now. You cant become healthy without being around healthy people. And I am not healthy. Ive been damaged. So I watch them and copy their actions until it makes sense. Love begets love, kindness begets kindness I hope you all will find God, it’s tempting to turn away from Him, but there only One person Who has died in my place because He loves me Thats Jesus, and He is totally trustable with my life. I feel greal love and Joy from my Father in heaven even tho ive given up on the Narc Family Dusfunction and my Non acquiescence of the abuse.There is Someone Who loves you so so much Just ask a sincere question of Him. Show Yourself to me God. And He will Get ready to be changed and Receive Love to our withered souls. John 17:23
Very informative post, thanks for sharing this wonderful blog, read journey through bipolar disorder